Okay.
Hey guys.
Hey, Nick.
Well, no.
It doesn't say you're muted.
Oh, it did. Okay. That's why.
I couldn't hear you.
How y'all doing.
Oh, there we go. I, I muted him.
We're hanging in there and we're definitely.
Yeah, thankful but we're eating outside, but no, I'm sorry. Yeah, we both read and what you wrote which I appreciate you sending and you know ahead of time and we, you're more than welcome to just tell us on here but you know, having the
heads up, you know, just gives us more time to be able to talk about stuff.
So, um, I, you said that there were some developments that happened this morning where some more stuff came up and so what, how are y'all feeling and thinking about things right now.
You're unsure.
Yeah, it's been a whirlwind so I don't know what all she had shared but with the started, you know, last Thursday night and the Friday of our girls father harassed us on Friday night upon pickup called the cops on us, and then called the cops on us
during our parents time Saturday night.
Just to check in, quote unquote, the girls.
He took one of them out of school on Monday that he's concerned about having a celiac disease which has been disproven and we just learned from her teacher tonight that she suspect maybe an ulcer from stress, so it might be something that he is causing and
just flipping out and going crazy on.
So now he has served emergency orders with today this afternoon he was holding the girls.
On my youngest daughter on Monday.
And that was the third time the police were involved, but then that's when I had said that night, you know, please pray and we're trying to discern whether we should get an order of protection or what to do because the police were saying, do this right multiple police
were saying, take them to court get an order of protection. But then we heard the Lord say, again, stand down stand still.
And let me fight for you and see the salvation of the Lord and all these things you know basically to not fight back and to not cause more turmoil because the girls are suffering.
I mean, we're most concerned for their, you know, emotional, spiritual, physical well being and if we were to do that, they would then feel all of this, even more, and it would be detrimental to them and so the Lord knows he's doing something behind the scenes.
So we felt peace on that. And then he was threatening to take them away, as in like you're not going to see them anymore and all this when we were at the last police incident.
And he kept my daughter out of school now five days without telling me.
So it's like truancy at this point she's nine. And then today he filed a motion with the court saying that the girls aren't able to be with me because of my mental health.
And now it's back to she's crazy she's unfit and it's, you know, I mean, in the past it's like he caused me to go down with my mental health and I've shared that with you.
And I took responsibility for that and ownership over that and have worked with the Lord to, you know, come out of all that and yet the fears still remain, especially because he's constantly telling me that I'm the problem I deserve this, I deserve the
abuse it's it's in my head I'm paranoid it's because of my mental disorder that he's doing all these things, and that's usually how they do it, especially through kids in the courses they tell you you're crazy and they use that to try to take the kids
and make you go crazy and so anyways he's doing that now he's actually petitioned now the court saying she's, she's mental and she can't be with the kids and has all his lies lined up in the court, you know, addendum or whatever saying all these
things about why so we're just like okay, this is where again we stand still and see the salvation of the Lord but we can't see our kids like I went to pick them up and he was filming me on camera, sit waiting at the bus stop, and then my daughter said
dad won't let us see you today, and this time I just said okay I'm so sorry and I love you I, you know, I wanted to be with you and and drove away.
So, so.
Are the girls are the girls scared, or are they not quite aware of the situation other than like bill in between. Oh, I think at this point, when the cops got called Saturday night, you know all the oldest is 11 and she's like oh yeah my dad probably called
you because we brought in the officer after you talked to him just to like calm down say like, this is a nice person, you know, don't be scared of.
I'll have to say that, oh yeah, that would be my dad.
He overreacts.
So I think they've learned to downplay his tendencies
just to cope, you know?
So that way they don't internalize,
like, well, my dad's capable of this
and what am I capable of?
Or if my dad's bad, am I bad?
Like the identity through, you know,
who he is and what he does, we don't want them to.
Which is good coping.
I mean, I'm glad that they're not internalizing it
more than they are.
I know that there's times like Olive cried
basically for two hours yesterday
or the day before yesterday
with the last police interaction
or just the fact that she had already been through,
you know, the whole weekend and then this happened
and she was just, she had her fit.
I mean, she just, who wouldn't have a fit?
I mean, she's just begging us to leave
and we just need to go.
If you just go, mom, we just go and it'll be fine.
I know where she is.
She's at this place and, you know,
you just need to go there.
Will you just go there?
And she cried and I just comforted her
and did my best to say, I can't.
And she didn't understand why you can't just drive there.
Just, you can, you know, she just wants it to be okay.
And she knows deep down that it's not because of me
that it's not okay.
But she doesn't really know how to think about her dad.
I think she's torn because she's actually really deep
in the Lord and really understands.
Like she has compassion for him.
She understands.
She said, mama, don't you think it's fear
when she was like five or six years old, you know?
And don't you think it's fear in him?
Things like that.
So I think she's very strong in the Lord
and very strong in general.
I think Nellie just received the Lord for herself
a few weeks ago.
And she reminded me of that the other day.
She's like, mama, I remember October 12th, 2022.
And she's like, I said, really?
She said, yeah, because you told me to remember that day
to let her know that was a big deal.
But I don't know that she's emotionally
doesn't cope as well.
And I think with the stomach problems,
I think it's a way of manifesting her crying out,
so yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
So y'all are still feeling the same now that you were,
was it yesterday morning where you felt,
that the Lord was continuing to tell y'all to stand still
and y'all still both have peace about that.
And you're both like both in here and whatever.
Yeah, we feel peace, but then there's always like,
you know, your brain won't stop.
Like, well, what if this, what if that,
what are we gonna do if this happens?
And so, you know, again, but it's funny how God works
because when he had sent the,
the girl's father sent this email that I was like,
just digging at, like responding to,
and so frustrated that there was a sticker on the bottom
that was a pop-up sticker.
It was a stop sign right on the bottom of my laptop
that I've never seen before.
I don't know.
Nobody's ever seen it before.
I don't know where it came from,
but it ended up on the bottom of my laptop.
And I was like, okay, God, you're right.
You're right.
I'm gonna stop, so.
Yeah, he's definitely showing up
and really just impressing upon our hearts
and giving us people.
I mean, even the timing of tonight and being with you,
I mean, he's just giving us a few people surrounding us
that do understand and get it
because there's teachers and principals involved
and attorneys and all these things that they're trying,
you know, and the police are trying to be diplomatic
and all that.
So sometimes it just feels like,
does anybody really see what's really going on?
And he has given us people that very much see into it,
that have the insight and spiritual insight
into what is going on and how not to react
or to feed into it, which is very comforting.
And another sign that he is helping us to stand still
and to stay calm, you know, so.
And giving support.
Yeah.
So what would y'all like to particularly focus on tonight
or particularly address?
I mean, where are y'all feeling y'all's greatest,
I don't know, sense of, I don't want to say urgency,
but you could say that, you know, urgency,
I'm talking about like just kind of emotionally,
where it is that y'all are,
what you feel like is just the forefront of everything.
Cause you were mentioning, you know, just multiple things,
you know, in the, not the email you sent,
the Facebook message that you sent.
Is there a particular,
where would you like to go with that?
What is on your heart to need to get resolved
or addressed from a particular perspective?
I mean, what's, I think the reason,
part of the reason I wrote it out is that,
because I feel like it can go in circles,
especially if I'm, you know,
trying to explain it in the moment
and there are so many kinds of pieces, I guess,
to the puzzle or like, I don't,
I think the web that I described is such that,
like that's where I feel personally most stuck
is kind of the web of it all.
And that I tried to like share the heart of it,
but I know it's a lot.
So I'm not saying that we can address all of that,
but just even like a starting place.
to sort of that mess of a web of like this is going on and this is going on and this is going
on and they're interrelated but it's like there's something that I would like to be able to find a
shift into a way forward that actually like penetrates that that web in that cycle of you
know the trauma and the nightmares and all these things that are showing up but then also feeling
the call to rest and then feeling the call to grieve but I don't want to fear the grief and
the pain and yet those are they're they're interconnected to where I don't know how to
decipher when it's it's the lord saying grieve and let this out or when it's me giving into fear
and letting myself maybe read into it too much or try to figure it out too much
but I I know he keeps telling me to grieve but there's resistance to that and like I said I go
kind of round and round with the trauma feelings of it I don't want to give into that but then I
don't want to stuff down the grief because it's coming up whether I like it or not and I feel so
poisoned by it in my thoughts and in my body and all these different um in my soul so yeah
ideally it would be for her to process all these um fears and emotions without actually feeling it
feeling the pain but um you know at least if she is feeling it emotionally and going
through it to release that emotion to release that pent-up um just some of the things that
that's happened the trauma just just release that to god without being afraid of you know
what's on the other side of this you know if I start feeling this way is it going to drag me
back down to a place where I can't get back up you know so yeah correct yeah well one of the
great things about talking to you um liberty is that you are system stiff and being able to discern
the the very nuances between in your emotions of like where the source is coming from so that is
you know a great benefit for you um because one of the things that you know like what we've been
talking about in the rest intensive is you know not being afraid of yourself there's nothing wrong
with you and who it is that you are and so these emotions yeah we don't want to I understand you
know we don't want to feel that pain etc but there's um there's a way in which you know that
pain is revealing to you something that's deep down and it has to get out otherwise it'll just
keep poisoning you because it's poison whether or not you're feeling the pain you've got your
days where you're feeling the pain you got your days when you're not but it's still there
and so there's an aspect of in letting it out that is that's healthy um and there's multiple
things that we're going to be talking about and there's some things that that ed um you know had
some insight into before we got on the call that he'll be you'll um that he thought would be helpful
that he'll be talking about but in it I just wanted to mention one of the very very very
important root things is to not be afraid of you so even not even talking about okay like how do I
deal with the emotions what do I do with the fear because it's very important to break the
break the power of some of this stuff at the root and the fact that you are the thing being attacked
consistently not just by your ex-husband and I don't remember what's his name
Sam Sam that's right okay because I'm like I don't want to keep having to say ex-husband
okay that Sam is continually saying that you are the problem and then that is the thing that you
have been battling your own so-called you know demons with in other words all of these voices
and thoughts and words that keep coming into your head you know from from however many years past
to currently so you are the thing that is constantly being torn down is not being able to
be trusted and so you have to choose yourself that there is nothing wrong with you and that you're
not anything to be afraid of and none of the emotions that you will be feeling or that God
is going to be taking you through in this process and sure it doesn't have to be messy
but we never know what God what is going to be part of God's journey my whole point is telling
you prior to that so that you know the root the the base and the foundation of what to take of
how to go through it is you have to choose you over everything you have to choose that you are
who God says that you are there is nothing wrong with you so your fear is nothing to be afraid of
the fact that you are afraid is nothing to be afraid of the fact that all of these things
happen to you the fact that you don't know how to deal with it the fact that you you know you
want to be there for your girls and you're just like am I doing it right am I handling it all
right you have got to choose that you are that there's nothing wrong with you you can't doubt
you if no one else chooses you you have to that is the salvation for everything that's the salvation
for the situation and for you
That's right.
And the reason for that is because you're coming into agreement with
God, that you are who he says that you are now, just like God says that
we're supposed to choose that he is.
And he says that he is, and we're like, okay, yeah, but who is that?
It's the same thing with us.
God says, choose yourself because I do so come into agreement
and completely receive yourself.
And to be honest, we really were so deep and complex because of who we're
born from, we don't even know who that is.
So my point is you don't have, you don't have to worry about having to
have these particular anchors of things to believe about yourself.
Sure.
If they help you, that's great to grab ahold of.
I'm saying, grab the whole kit and caboodle and just know that whatever it
is that you are, that you already know, or that you're going to discover
that you are on this journey, choose now to fully receive it, not when it
comes, receive it now before it reveals itself about who it is, you know,
that you fully are in the Lord.
So I just wanted to mention that is that a lot of the reasons why we're afraid
of the emotions and the pain and the et cetera, is we feel that it's saying
something about us or the fact that coming up out of us makes us feel like,
oh my goodness, you know, I must have born in other words, birthed this
wickedness because it feels for it.
And so therefore, if I, if I, if it came up out of me, I must be the source
and I must be bad and we have to have to come out of that agreement first.
So, so just like I was telling Cicely today in, in a comment and
you may not have seen it yet.
Well, maybe I told y'all yesterday.
I don't remember.
Be, be God.
How, how did I, how did I word that says be for yourself, what
you want God to be for you?
So good because God is being that for you.
And if you're struggling to believe that, agree with him where you can.
And he says that you are, that you are the new man, that you're one with him,
that there's nothing wrong with you.
There's nothing wrong with your spirit, who it is that you are.
Sure.
We, we sin in the flesh, but this, the flesh God says, and makes it very
clear over and over that the flesh is not who we are.
It's not our identity.
So anyway, that's where all of the problems come out of, but it's not who you are.
And so you don't have to you don't have to, like I said, you
don't have to be afraid of you.
Anything that you battle that feels negative, you're always more powerful than.
In other words, you're in Christ and you're in that position of power and
authority of being in him, not on our own, but in him.
And so you've got nothing to fear least of all yourself.
So you, like I said, if we, there's something about something that God is
asking us to agree with about that.
He said, and we're struggling to do that.
Find something else.
And I think that one of the very important things for this is to choose you to
choose that no matter the attacks and the questions and the self-doubt that, um, to,
to choose to fully receive yourself and to not receive anything, any thoughts or
fears that come out of you as being.
As, as indicating anything negative about you or anything that's inadequate to the
situation or inadequate as a mom or whatever.
So, because I know that that is true.
So anyway, that's the first thing I'm going to say, first thing talking about.
I don't know.
I would probably, I don't want to take up a bunch of time.
I would probably just have a bunch of questions.
Um, trying to think of, uh, just this may seem like a strange question, but is your,
is Sam, your ex-husband, is he single or is he remarried?
Well, he, um, so is he saved before we even like separated dating websites?
I found out through pastors and then he actually ended up getting pregnant with
somebody while we were still married and in these emergency hearings and hid it
and then had the baby, it came out halfway through the pregnancy or whatever, right
before trial and he had the baby and then he left her when she had the baby.
And he went into three more serious relationships over a few years.
And then last year he broke up with a girlfriend of two years and went back to
the baby mama within a week.
And they've been together for, since last year.
So they have a five-year-old son now.
Yeah.
Okay.
I couldn't remember the timeline.
I was trying to tell him, I said, I don't remember how long ago.
Interesting.
Cause we're in the seventh year and it's, there's been a lot about, you know,
seven being the number of completion and, um, seven years of, uh, famine or
whatever, but yeah, slavery debts are canceled, all that kind of stuff.
And, um, this is kind of a, probably an aberrant question to what we're
discussing, but, um,
Do you have like periods of time in your childhood that are missing?
Do you remember all of your childhood?
I don't remember at all.
I have like a first memory at three, you know, a couple of first memories.
I don't remember my parents together because they split from Florida to Illinois,
very far apart when I was two and a half.
So I remember being in Florida, but then I don't remember a lot of my childhood,
like my early childhood, except for some homeschooling things when I homeschooled
for a couple of years and some like arts and, you know, musical things that I did
because those were so special and fun for me to get to sing or to get to act.
Or these special things that I got to do amidst the chaos
of the home I grew up in are what I kind of remember, so.
Well, I don't want to turn this into like a, so my back, so I've got a bunch of things
that I've kind of toured through in my spiritual journey.
And so, but I started in the inner healing side of stuff.
So I don't want to just turn this into like a giant inner healing thing
and start asking the questions, especially since you've had all of this.
I mean, I don't know what you've done already or what, but, you know, it's evident to me
that you've had some, one, I have a feeling, I'm not, this isn't a question,
but I have a feeling that you were, you were spiritually sensitive
and you probably saw things at a very early age.
Is that right?
You probably knew about stuff, you probably have, knew about spirits and stuff like that,
or at least you were very sensitive to them being around at an early age.
Is that right?
Yeah, I think so.
I feel that's the same with all of us all.
Yeah. I mean, I know later, you know, feeling demons like on my shoulder in my mom's house,
you know, but I don't remember so much when I was younger, but I think I've always been me
and I've always been sensitive and I'm very, I'm very much a feeler.
I'm very much empathetic and compassionate, all that.
And I think I might, I don't know exactly know what a seer is,
but my friends that are seers and the prophetic, you know, sometimes I wonder like, okay,
I know I'm prophetic because we all are and God showed me that the past few years
that I'm prophetic, but I don't know about, I get the visions and dreams,
but I don't know if the seer is in there or not, so.
Well, I think it is.
Now, most likely you used to see a lot when you were young and then it,
it for a lot of people, it'll shut, it'll shut down.
And I don't know, I was thinking of a book called The Veil.
I'm trying to remember the guy's name that did it.
And he was a young man.
He's now over the Bethel School of Supernatural in Atlanta, but he could see his whole life.
And he was very tormented as young, as a young man, because a lot of what he saw was dark,
what he experienced was dark, but he could see all kinds of stuff.
And it's a, it's a fascinating, there's no like ABC how to do it, right?
But he gives some analogies of what it is to see in the spirit when it's not.
But it's his story and his journey of going through this, that's the point that when I felt the
prompting for people to look into the story, because on the other side of all of those
experiences, he describes what's going on in worship, like in the spirit, that's like beyond
anything I have ever heard of, you know, or he described once he was sitting on a street
corner and he saw there was a homeless man over there.
And, and there, there was a woman that walked through and she looked like she was giving off
this gold dust.
And as she walked past, everybody started to look, to look, to raise up like this, including
the homeless guy.
And then after a period that she was gone, she started to, you know, everybody started to
wilt back and he realized that she was a believer and that that's what we all carry.
We all walk in that, that thing.
But when he started his journey, he didn't see nice things.
It wasn't pleasant at all.
Right. But most people have no grid for it, if that makes sense.
And I, I mean, if I remember reading through your, your thing, there's all the evidence
there. There's probably a lot of early childhood trauma, most likely.
There's some kind of awkward questions I could ask that would probably, you know, point to
that. I don't, I don't know you very well.
And I know you're starting an inner healing journey now, you said.
Well, I wouldn't say it's the start of it.
This feels like it's been I mean, it feels like it's been a journey.
It feels like it's I've been trying to get to the inner healing.
for a long time, but I can't say that I really,
I was stuck in the,
and while I was trying to figure these things out,
I was also in what I didn't know
was narcissistic abuse for 10 years.
And then there's been now seven years since then
that the Lord broke open the spiritual things again,
that, you know, I like been prophesied over
when I was in college,
my grandmother spoke in tongues, things like that.
But then a lot of, I got basically in Baptist churches
for about half that marriage or more,
really Calvinistic thinking and told that that's weird,
we don't do that, all completely shut down,
didn't know what to think of it.
And then when I went through what I did
and I saw such darkness, I mean, I feel like I saw,
I feel like I saw hell,
but I also feel like there's times that I've seen
definitely glimpses of heaven.
I know I've heard from the Lord.
I have word after word that I've heard from him.
I know he wakes me up at the night or like this mix,
but it's felt like the darkness has been heavier.
And so the inner healing piece, I'm definitely open.
I'm more open than ever.
And I've been open.
I think it's just been the survival mode.
It's been difficult with this man constantly coming at me.
And I know it's not him and I know it's bigger than him.
It probably goes back to my early childhood,
but it's almost like,
like I feel like the enemy like literally tried to kill me
and I almost died.
I mean, multiple times through the situation,
like it was so, so bad.
And I was on the street.
I didn't know who to turn to for help.
I was in the psych ward
and then I got served papers in the psych ward
saying he wanted my kids and took everything.
He hid my children.
So, you know, and then when my mind couldn't cope,
it's like, that's when I was drug into court.
And that's when I was in the spotlight going,
are you a fit mother?
Are you a crazy mother?
And I had no idea what had even happened to me.
I didn't even know the context
of what the narcissistic word was before all this started.
So when that happened, it's like,
it became this cascade of so many lies
against my identity going, you must be,
how could this have happened if you're not crazy?
If you're not bad,
then why would you have seen all these bad things?
I mean, and just trying to understand a narcissistic person,
trying to understand how it could be,
how that could that be that my best friend
and my husband was that all this time?
What am I not seeing?
What do I not get?
What can I not trust about myself or him or anyone or God?
And then when I went into some of the inner healing,
it was like, I started to see things in the spirit again.
And I opened up the prophetic world again.
And the Lord like did so much in my life
and past couple of years where it's like,
wait, I feel like I should be further along
because he really has moved so much.
Like I just started seeing visions and dreams
and all these things.
And he gave me a whole vision for my life
and a vision for ministry and all these things
and called me.
And then suddenly, I ended up getting married unexpectedly.
I thought I was gonna be single
for the rest of my life, honestly.
And so I was in ministry for women
and then I realized I'm still so broken.
Like I know God gave me this vision,
but he's calling me to pull back from it
because I have to go first for these women.
I have to go first.
And I was told, there's been things prophesied over me
about like that I'm gonna stand
against trafficking in a major way,
like things about changing the legislation for it,
like being powered up in suits in court,
just different pictures people have gotten.
Also in business, they've said,
I'm gonna start a massive earring company
and I'm gonna help launch all these businesses
in the kingdom world.
And there's been so many things,
but it's like, if I don't get me right.
So the things I've tried for inner healing
are time with the Lord,
just in his presence kind of sozo type thing,
doing it for myself,
actually going through maybe three sozos.
And then I started,
I'm about six sessions into something called RSM,
which is Retracing Sequence Method.
Is that the Rabbi movement thing, RSM?
It's not, it's actually a Christian spirit-filled,
like a neuro, like, well, what is it called?
Neuro-emotional therapy for like spirit-filled believers.
So basically they take you through,
they identify like something in a generational line
through muscle testing,
if you're familiar with like a muscle testing thing
where we're testing the physical body,
the electrical system,
while asking questions based on something
like God's love toward me or my love for God
or these different sequence kind of steps.
And then we go into,
it's like an activating event
from the generational ancestral line
when it activated in your life.
And then when you had a, what do they call it?
Like a, what's the last of my call?
It's the origin of that.
Exile, exile.
So you're exiled.
So maybe you had a generational thing, then you had an early childhood activation of that DNA
or generational thing, and then you have like an exile event where you chose to believe that.
Like I'm now, I'm out of my mom's house from the time I'm 15, I left when I was 16, and I can't
trust anybody and I'll never blah blah blah. You know like this is how it's going to be from now
on is your exile event, and then you go in and you do through the testing that you're doing
and through the spirit you let him bring a new truth to those events and the lies that
come out of the belief system from the events. And then also on top of that it's and it's
releasing the body from holding all that you know trauma so that way like you don't start shaking
if you get your door closed or whatever else. It's about kind of disconnecting that trauma from your
body and also digging up and releasing and having God replace that lie that you believe is true.
Kind of like a holistic approach to something similar to like a SOZA which is more spiritual.
EMDR is out there for trauma but it's not faith-based at all but can be very effective.
So they're trying to kind of bring those together I think in this model. It's very interesting. I
had to research it for about a year and just talk to the Lord before I even said yes because I was
just terrified things are going to get opened up that are going to take me back to the hospital and
I just feel like that wrecked my life. Why would I choose that? Why would God want that for me?
You know and this has now happened three times. It always happened in a February
but it was absolutely terrifying. The most traumatizing thing on top of everything with
my kids and my ex just having to go through that and going to the hospital and the shame around
that was like and the enemy said you know I saw things in the spirit after my child and he said
it was like but it was like I was devouring her like I felt it inside me like I was going to eat
my own child. I was going to do these you know what I'm saying like I was going to do these
things that I was responsible for trafficking that I was spirit cooking which I never even
heard of spirit cooking but these things came up and so the terror that that produced it's like
I haven't really known how to get that level of inner healing except for something like RSM that
they talk about helping people from domestic abuse trafficking kind of the worst of the worst.
I don't know so that's what I've started and then the past month since everything has just been
I mean it's been like this cascade of just we're just trying to catch our breath because it's been
thing after thing we haven't even been able to get together with her to do a session for the
past month but we started it and I think it is I have six words from the six sessions that the
Lord gave me and I think the last one we did is when he said you were free and some things about
freedom and said your name's no longer Libby it's Liberty and he spoke a lot about liberation
and freedom and saying you're free because I have felt my whole life like I am so patient and
oppressed and I internally it's like I'm trying to get myself out of this and I've tried what
feels like everything to do it you know including the Lord and yet that's what maybe perpetuates
this idea that something's wrong with me or that I'm bad which is already the deep-rooted fear that
keeps me stuffing it down because the longer it takes to really get to the impetus or the
you know the crux of it and really get in there a lot more it's like am I not believing them maybe
I'm not a believer maybe I'm not saved you know all these things have come up along the way to
say what's wrong with you that you can't get free from this but I think his timing is perfect and
that's really been more the issue is his timing yeah well you know I don't I'm going to be very
careful because I don't want to put anything on you you know I don't know you I've just seen you
for the very first time and I don't know what you've been through and all of that but I have a
I have a sense that you were exposed to some things at a young age that a young person's not
supposed to be exposed to is that is that accurate I mean potentially RSM testing kind of
alluded to that but they don't really dive deep into what that event meant they just kind of
process it and get it out of your you know your system but there wasn't didn't you say spiritual
abuse might have been something that you yeah I mean I have some alleged spiritual abuse by
grandfather at a young age that you know as he's been kind of a I don't remember all the rest but
yeah like a step-grandfather has come up a lot but I haven't been able to fully process it I don't
even know if I'm supposed to or what but he yeah he could have been a spiritual abuser he was like
there early in my life because he married my grandmother when we moved from the divorce to
Florida and I remember living in their apartment being two and a half three but I don't have
memories before that.
But I also, I feel like it's the first time in my life
that I'm even realizing,
because I know I've gone through psychological abuse,
emotional, verbal,
but at least I haven't gone through sexual abuse.
Then I'm realizing, oh, like spiritual,
maybe even sexual, I don't know.
How do I know that I haven't?
And for all these years I've been saying,
thankfully I haven't been through that.
And all my friends seem to have gone
through some kind of sexual abuse.
And then all of a sudden the past few months,
these dreams and these repressed memories,
it's like they're trying to come up about either him
and something sexual or spiritual or both.
And I mentioned the SRA,
like that was something that was brought up.
But when it was brought up,
it was very scary to me because it was brought up
when I was already triggered.
I was going through hell with this divorce
and this girl that I didn't trust sent me a video,
explicit video of something I had never even heard of,
satanic virtual abuse.
She sends me a video of it and I open it.
And I'm just, I mean, I'm like dancing around my table
in fear and anxiety, just freaking out.
Like, what is this?
And she told me I need to get
to a deliverance minister in Chicago.
And I don't even know if that was from God or not,
because this girl, I have a whole experience with her
that was very strange and I still don't know
what to think of it.
So I did nothing with it.
And fast forward, I've been now recently
hearing more about it from friends
and it's coming up in dreams.
And I'm like, this sounds like the worst thing ever.
And it also came up when my mind was in that place of-
Thinking that she's bad.
Thinking that I'm bad and hallucinating
and whatever that was.
It was spiritual attack,
but it was also what they call like a mania
or a psychotic break or whatever in the medical terms.
And I saw things like, I mentioned like rape I saw,
but it was like a mockery of it.
I saw like the Holocaust and babies piled up.
I saw babies stretched out all over the room.
Like they were carcasses.
I saw so many things that I just thought I'm,
I did this, I'm responsible for this.
But I also would get freaked out by like,
like I had a couple of videos come up on my phone
during that, that had to do with CIA
or like FBI kind of stuff.
And it would freak me out because I'm like,
if you've ever seen the Born Identity
and all the Born movies, I used to love those movies.
I had never thought twice about it.
And then all this stuff happened and I'm like,
I can't even watch that.
Like what if I've been brainwashed
or what if something has happened to me
that is similar to what these people have gone through,
being their head being put under water
and then being conditioned in some way
or something like that.
And so the more that I learned about trafficking,
the more sick I got and then the conspiracy theories
got so bad that the last time that my mind slipped,
I thought my children were being trafficked
and I went looking for them.
Like I actually went out in my neighborhood
looking for them and thought that I was hearing direction
to where other children were being trafficked and held
and was searching for the children to release the children.
So I have no idea what any of that means, honestly,
but I know there's something, yeah.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna ask a really weird question, okay?
So forgive me as it sounds a little inappropriate
or whatever, but please forgive me for asking this question.
But when just first number that pops out of your mind,
what age would you say you became sexually aware?
Single digits, teenager?
Yeah, I'm like, I'm trying to think.
You understand what I mean when I say that, right?
Like where you know you're a girl and you know you're a boy,
but then there's a moment where you really understand
there's a difference, right?
And there's arousal, there's all other stuff
that comes around.
Well, I remember a couple of things from my early childhood
that were like not the earliest.
I don't remember anything before three,
but I remember being five to seven
and a couple of things happening.
One, my sister was molested by our neighbor.
It went to court and they didn't prove anything.
I don't think that he touched me,
but his daughter, he was molesting too.
We would hear her in the room and him doing it.
And then she would put me in sexual positions
in the bedroom, that kind of thing.
But that's all I remember of that.
And then I remember being exposed to a man,
a predator came by and this is Florida.
So there's lots of them,
came by in like a Walmart or some store
as my mom was way down the aisle in the shoe department.
And he started whispering to me
and showing me a picture, a closeup picture of a male.
you know, genitalia, and I just was in complete shock.
I just remember, like, I couldn't speak.
I've had dreams like that since,
where you just can't get anything out of your mouth.
I just was in complete shock.
I couldn't say anything.
My mom's yelling and starts calling my name
and calling for security and things like that.
I remember with, like, five years old, like, putting,
I mean, this, I guess, is kind of normal behavior
for children I've heard, that, you know,
putting, like, ice packs down each other's pants
and, like, spanking each other, spanking each other.
Like, I don't know if that's anything.
But other than that, I don't remember.
I don't remember the sexual.
As far as you can understand,
you weren't, like, switched on.
You know what I mean?
It's like, you know what, like, you've had children,
so you know what, like, a five-year-old knows, right?
And then there are times when it's like, wait a minute.
I knew stuff at five that I shouldn't have known.
Like, we adults are supposed to know those types of things,
you know?
That was actually one of my, that was one of,
I don't know if you're sensing what I went through,
but yeah, I went through it at a young age
with, you know, a brother and cousin, whatever else.
And that was from, like, probably six or seven
on to, like, 14 or 15 kind of scenario.
But yeah, I was definitely exposed to pornography
and a bunch of other stuff that got as,
I hit a lot of it, but then it came out
and was releasing it partially through various things
in my church, like Spirit Filled,
and then was able to finally, when I met Liberty,
is to finally get the rest of it out.
The shame that kind of just dug in you, like, you know,
why am I attracted to other men or whatever else is,
you know, the things that come up just from that deep,
you know, stance of that sexual abuse.
So hope you're not mixing me with her.
It's fine.
I just, you know, thank you for sharing.
I know that's not easy, even with the shame gone out of it.
It just, what it looks like to me
is when early childhood things,
especially it's easiest for most people to see it
when it's sexual, but it doesn't have to be.
You know, it can be just exposure to things,
is that if this is a tree of somebody's life, right?
And this is the ground over.
When early thing happens, it'll bend.
The tree will bend, right?
And especially when there's a sexual things of nature,
let's say something gets switched on inside of you
and it kind of bends your thinking.
It changes how you think, what you're aware of at an age
where you're not able to process in any type of trauma
what's going on in your life.
And it kind of bends you.
The thing is the Lord can come and heal this place
and that tree can come in
and get back to where it's supposed to be.
You're not going to have to learn to live and cope.
Right.
If that makes sense.
That does make sense.
And the way it seems to me for you,
I just want to alleviate a couple of things
and I don't want to take things over here.
No, you're good.
Is it looks to me like a gentle descent
and that the Lord is there.
He's got the safety net for you.
And the descent, I mean, is you're not in charge
to root around inside of your soul to figure this out.
It's kind of like, that's not your job.
Oh, hallelujah.
Right.
It's not your job.
And I feel like you and the Lord are on a rescue mission
and you're the rescuer
and you're the one that's doing the rescuing.
But the thing is you're going with him.
You're not the one that's doing it and he's helping you.
Right.
There's a rescue mission for you.
And I see something about the ages of three,
five, seven, nine, and 11.
There's something, it was especially three,
seven, nine, and 11 in your life.
And I don't know what those,
what happened in those times of your life,
but I wouldn't worry if this would be my,
I don't really like per se giving advice,
but I wouldn't focus on what you don't know.
That'll drive you crazy.
It literally, it'll drive you, no pun intended,
but it'll drive you crazy in the sense of like,
it'll be almost like an obsession.
What do I not, what do I, whatever.
I, you know, I remember when somebody told me once,
I went to kind of a counseling session
and a woman had told me that she thought 80%,
blah, blah, blah, things that happened to me.
And I went and sat in the car and I have no memory.
And I remember sitting there in the car going,
oh my God, like, what if I remember?
What if it, what if it, what if it,
what if it was people I know?
What if it was my family?
What if it was blah, blah, blah?
And I was in that moment, like freaking out about what's going to happen to me.
Like, am I going to wait, am I going to wake up and all of a sudden I'm gay
tomorrow or like, you know, like whatever, I don't know, I didn't know what those
things are and the way it looks to me with you is that there is a cleansing
taking place in your life.
And sometimes when I know that someone's had trauma, uh, in their life, I'll see,
uh, young versions of them in their heart.
Okay.
Saying this, he's been saying like, help her.
Like he had gave me this whole word where I saw you're, you're the hurt.
I saw that I'm the hurt.
And he said, help her because he actually said, so he showed me, um,
myself as a very young girl.
And it was, I was, it's interesting.
Cause I was rolled up in a mattress and like, when I came out, like I had like
one eye closed and my eyes were full of tears and I had this limp leg and I was
very, you know, very sad and very disheveled looking and he was like, like,
look at her, like, what do you see?
You know, trying to kind of help me to help her and was, you know, leading me
toward that and I couldn't feel anything.
And he said this, like this, he basically said, this has been your child abuse.
Like you haven't, he, he said, you haven't, you don't have compassion for her.
You don't love her.
You love everyone else.
You have compassion for everybody else except her.
And, you know, some people go, well, if you have this little girl inside of
you, then maybe you have, um, this DID, you know, dissociative, um, personality
or, you know, these different things that can feel scary, but I've let go of that.
I'm like, I've worked in mental health.
I've gone through what I've gone through.
And I'm like, even if it is that that's just a, that's not bad either.
That's a coping mechanism for severe trauma, you know?
And I know believers that are blogging about this.
So I'm like, but he did say in that word.
And in that vision of the little girl, he said, help her all capitals.
Yeah.
And so what it looks like to me, like when there's people have had traumatic events,
now this is the way I see things is I'll see, you know, this in different ages or
whatever, and they'll look like they're in a room, for instance, in, in, in the
heart, in someone's heart, for lack of a better term, it's like a, it's a picture.
Okay.
And, and there's kind of a rescue mission.
And the thing is that if you think, just think of you, you know, I've not had
children, but I've certainly known my, my share of them and I'm a giant boy.
Okay.
So, you know, I want the way I would think about it is, is like you have a
child that is learning how to survive.
Okay.
And so it creates rules and it builds like a kingdom, like a house, right.
In order to protect itself.
Yeah.
Right.
And this becomes part of your operating system.
Think of like a computer.
This is part of your operating system.
And that was installed by whatever age you were when you went through this.
Right.
And so the remarkable thing is often the things that we're, you know, we're beating
ourselves up over are things that a remarkable young five-year-old created to
protect you.
Wow.
Yeah.
And that little five-year-old is still there.
Right.
And all of those things are still in place.
All of those things are still working.
All of those things are still playing out in the background in your, in your
subconscious or whatever you want to use to, to protect you.
And those things, those rules, those ways of operating are all still functioning in
there, but I'm, I'm telling you, like, I'm telling you that that stuff's going to
start getting dismantled.
Yeah.
And I believe
is it supposed to go away?
Is it supposed to like, when we, when we understand that there's a little girl in
there, is it, is it like, um, we can't ignore her.
We can't, we can't, you know, beat her up.
We can't not care about her on the flip side.
Or is she supposed to, what do we do for her?
Like, is she supposed to be set free?
Is she supposed to understand that now she can grow up?
Cause somebody at a Sozo session, they might not have known much about this in
their experience.
Um, even though they're trained in Sozo when some stuff came up about the little
girl.
Um, I wasn't afraid of it at that point.
Cause I used to think that was weird, like the little girl thing and, uh, maybe
new age or something.
I don't know why I thought that.
Um, but I wasn't afraid of it.
This was like two months ago, but she was almost like trying to talk to the little
girl and not that that's bad.
but maybe in a way that wanted her to grow up now.
Like it's okay now to come out and it's okay to be safe.
And I felt in that moment,
like I understand what you're saying and where you're going.
And I appreciate that you're not weirded out by this
because some people could do more damage
by being weirded out by it.
But it was almost like, she's like, okay,
she has in her training some knowledge
of this concept of being,
there being like, there can be multiple little girls
or multiple whatever.
And I don't know that that's my case.
I've had to face that because I'm like, okay,
do I dissociate?
And do I have all these little girls inside of me,
the various ones?
And how many can there be of these different personas
or I don't know what they call them,
like an alter or something?
Yeah, but even if I've started to let go,
like even if, again, that is a way of coping
that a child has to do if they're in under severe trauma.
So it doesn't mean I'm bad either.
It doesn't mean that I have multiple personalities
and that I'm bad.
And so, yeah.
If you kind of normalize it,
everybody dissociates to some varying degree.
If you've ever been driving down the road
and you get from sign 20
and all of a sudden you're at sign two
and you have no idea how you went from,
you lost 18 miles and you don't know how,
that's disassociation.
And it happens to everybody.
And there are people,
and you can kind of see how you get there,
where anytime you go through any type of a thing
in your life that has any type of a trigger,
which is a big word for you, by the way,
the triggers, right?
There's an unresolved.
And wherever, a person put it to me this way,
however old you were, whenever that happened,
is how old that person is there
and how old you respond when that place gets hit.
So if you were 13 years old,
whenever blah, blah, blah happened to you,
and it doesn't have to be some huge traumatic,
like you saw 18 people run over
by a tractor trailer or something,
whatever it was that you went through,
like whatever that is,
it's like that wound until it gets healed
is just kind of open, is sitting there.
And there's an element of you there that's stuck
for lack of a better term, right?
Yeah.
So that's like, so I wouldn't get hung up on,
is it DID, is it complete separate identities?
Is it whatever?
It doesn't really matter.
I would say I'm a visual person.
The way I would visually describe what it looks like to me
for a resolution in something, right?
Is that the Lord would reveal a moment in time in your life,
a memory that's really painful, right?
Like a traumatic event in your life.
Yeah.
And then He takes you,
not only this happens in the forms of inner healing
that I've been exposed to, okay?
Then He takes you back to that place
and He reclaims that part of your history.
He reframes your history there.
And this isn't like a mental,
I need to, I'm gonna rehearse this in my mind
to a new way of doing it.
He comes in, just like He'll heal a broken bone,
He comes in and heals that memory.
Once that memory is healed,
and as weird as this sounds, okay?
But I think you'll have a grid for what I'm about to say.
Okay?
That's when you can literally talk to that little girl.
And you tell her like a mom would to a little girl.
Yeah.
Because the problem is,
we look at ourselves when we're young
through the eyes of an adult,
even though we were a child.
If I were to say that it was your five-year-old,
you would be so sorry that it happened
and so proud of how they've managed all that they've done.
You would want them to feel safe.
You would want them to feel loved.
You would want to wrap them up in your arms
and make it all better, right?
But the problem is that that little girl is you.
It's me.
Yeah.
Right.
And why does that change when it's you versus,
I would have compassion again for a real child,
my own children, any other, any child,
or even the child in you,
if you were describing this to me,
but it's like-
Full circle to the first part of our conversation.
You have to choose you first,
meaning like you have to fully unconditionally accept
who you are, like just all of you,
as the phrase goes, you know, warts and all,
because that's how God sees you,
sees you as that high value.
He's declared that that's your high value,
but he can see you that way all he wants,
but you don't get to experience.
It's living that acceptance until you choose to receive yourself to the degree
that God receives you.
So it's that little girl, it's that whole aspect of like, be enough for you.
Will you allow yourself to be enough to yourself?
I guess if you're looking at another being like this little girl or, you
know, these other parts of your, you know, whatever, meaning like these
other aspects and areas of our life, you know, that might've gotten
stunned and at various ages, I've got my own, you know, and in like,
will you allow that part of you as weird as this sounds, will you allow
that part of you to be enough to the big part of you, will they be enough
for you and will you fully accept them unconditionally without requiring
of them, without emotionally requiring of them to ever change.
That's the only way they will feel safe enough to change, to grow, to
release, to be free.
If you no longer emotionally require them to be any different than
what they are to fully accept them.
And then once they do that, boom, they now feel safe enough to let it go.
The reason that we create these, these, um, these structures around us, you
know, regardless of what age that we're at is because we don't feel, we don't
feel, you know, safe enough to be our true selves.
And so we just put this like protection around, like this false
self that itself that we've created.
But when we're fully received as weird as it sounds in our false self and who
it is that we think that we are, then finally we feel safe enough to no
longer be the thing that's not us anyway.
Right.
I know that that sounds very backwards, but it is wild how that, how, how true
that is is total side note.
Um, you remember that, um, uh, uh, I'm trying to remember if, um, nevermind.
I can't mention the name because I don't think that she's made it public, but
there's somebody in the rest intensive that I have walked through a major weight.
Issue.
And so they posted some of that in the, in the old post from like a year or two
ago, something like that in a way they were struggling to lose weight.
And I told them, I said, you have to accept and love your body, not
ever requiring of it to change, like finally stop requiring it emotionally.
Stop requiring it to ever be different than what it is and
accept it and love it the way it is.
I'm not just accept it kind of like, okay, well, fine.
It's just the way that it's going to have to be love it for what it is.
I said, then it will feel safe enough to change because no
matter what they were doing, they were losing, they were, they
were exercising really hard.
They were, um, they were trying to eat healthy and they were like, no matter
what I do, Ashley, it's not working.
Like according to the laws of science, it's not working.
And, um, and so I told them, so you have to fully accept yourself.
And then, and so without trying.
With while they were pregnant, they lost weight without trying all the
exercise and without trying all of the eating, whatever, because their
body is in self-protection mode, you know, just like those different
aspects of our soul, like five-year-old or whatever that, you know, an aspect
of you, you know, that may have just stopped as soon as something traumatic.
You know, we have these different aspects of ourself that just do not
feel safe enough to grow, to be curious, to discover, to get bigger, to, you
know, get out, get up and out in the world and, and to change.
And so they just stop.
So as soon as they're fully accepted in their mess and in their lives and in
their unbelief and in their trauma and in their, and in the horrible pain of
whatever it is that they experienced and how they chose to deal with it.
As soon as they're fully accepted there, they will finally start responding in
their, uh, out of their default function, which is the way God created
them, which is to not stay there.
Which is to, to grow and to, and to be free in the Lord, because that's the
way that they were naturally created to be.
So as soon as they feel loved and accepted for what it is that they are,
which sounds very backwards, because it sounds like we're giving our stamp of
approval, but we're not, we're not approving this, the sin, the unbelief,
the problem we're just like, Hey, look, you don't never have to change in
order for you to be enough for me.
Then it will finally change.
It is shocking how that will, how that will begin to heal things.
So anyway, making a, making a comment that you're like, you know, this is
coming full circle back to what we started with.
So I think that maybe the Lord is like really just putting it on, you know,
putting it in the air and like making this the, the theme of the, of the visit
tonight, because you were asking, you know, well, how, why is it so hard to
accept me?
Why is it so hard that I expect more out of me as a five-year-old than I do with
my child and out of somebody else or somebody else's, you know, back when
they, their history back when they were five.
And so you really do have to.
and choose yourself, you know, completely.
It's an intentional choice.
And can I just say sure, something really fast, because I want to hear what you're
saying, Ed, but I realized as you were talking, Ashley, that are both of you
really that like, I, I, I resisted when you were talking about accepting the
little girl or whatever parts or whatever.
And like, it was like my, my initial reaction was to tense up and resist and
be like, but no, like, because I think I've been looking at them.
Obviously I haven't been accepting them.
Obviously I haven't been thinking that it's okay to even be there or it's
okay to even have a little girl, you know?
Um, but, but then on top of that, I realized I'm looking at her, we'll
just call it her through this critical lens of a mother, right?
Because I had this critical narcissistic mother who didn't know how to love.
And that's all I knew and all I've known ever.
Cause that was what was modeled for you.
Yeah.
So then I'm like, I'm just, I've realized I'm just taking that on toward that same
little girl that she did going, no, you're not allowed and you're not, you know,
you're, you're being ridiculous and you're being, you know, whatever she would say.
Um, no better, you should have been stronger.
I taught you better.
Yeah.
That's what's your problem.
Yeah, exactly.
So thank you for sharing.
It makes, you know, a sense to have all those, those fears, you know, and, but a
symptom of this type of thing is there's an aspect of you that never been able to
connect with, like there's almost like a disconnectedness within yourself and your
emotions and things at times.
Right.
And the reality is that these, I know it sounds weird to keep talking about these
little girls, like they're little extra people.
Right.
But really all it is, is just aspects of who you are.
It's you.
And so the word is, and if you wanted to talk about the extreme DID SRA, all of
these types of things, right.
The word is integration, right?
And there's a, there's a, Hey, let me introduce you to Jesus.
He's safe.
I know this man or whatever, this person is not, has not been safe, but I can tell
you, I know you, right.
He's safe.
Let me introduce you to Jesus.
Right.
And then you're like, you know, you, and then you're like, I know this sounds
strange.
Okay.
But I'm telling you, I've, I have seen it.
I've been there.
I've watched it unfold where it's like, you've done such a good job.
I'm so proud of you.
You know, and the Lord is proud of you and you don't have to keep trying
anymore and come home.
Right.
And somehow, well, one person, it was like, the Lord led them into the closet.
Like, I don't really know.
Right.
And then that person, then you're, you're like more whole, like there's a wholeness
that comes into, into that.
And I have a couple other things I want to share, but the only analogy I have
for personally that I'll share, and this is very minuscule in comparison to some
of what we're talking about is, you know, I went through the season and I was
talking about, God, I want to be able to hear, like I hear from my, everybody,
everybody thinks, because I can hear from you that I can hear that I'm like
dancing with angels.
And I hear like, he, I know, I know six weeks in advance, what movie's going to
come out and what's it in and all of that.
And it's never been that way.
Why can't I hear from myself and blah, blah, blah.
And people would be like, you know, and it's self-hatred.
It's self-rejection.
I'm like, you can reject yourself.
Like they'll all talk about self-hatred.
That was the word that came up.
I wanted to reject her when you were saying you need to accept her.
I wanted to be like, no, she doesn't deserve.
I want to reject her.
Exactly.
And, and, and, but everybody wants to talk about the diagnosis, but nobody
ever wanted to like, oh, Mike, fine.
You know?
Okay.
So what do you do about it?
And then, and then my attitude became like, look, I don't need
somebody to tell me anymore.
What's the wrong.
If you can't help me, then shut up.
I don't want to hear it anymore.
That was where I was.
And I was in South Africa.
And this guy's car with a bunch of young men and we're going on a men's retreat.
And these young guys, there were two old, two of us that were older.
Right.
And, uh, and he's a good friend of mine.
Um, yeah, actually knows him and, and we were driving and they
were playing this eighties music.
Hey, did you guys remember this song?
Did you play this song or whatever?
And I remembered, I had this reaction of like, no, right.
And I hate the eighties.
They're like, I don't like the eighties music.
And I was this guy that I never wanted to get tracked.
Like I knew I'd have a friend.
in high school, he never left the nineties, right?
It's like he doesn't listen to music past the nineties.
He just got stuck in the nineties and that wasn't going to be me.
And I was going to keep moving forward no matter what.
Yeah, I was like, and I noticed the severity of my reaction.
I was like, wow.
I was like, what is that about?
And and then I started to forcibly with great.
The internal distress, go back to the time period of the music
and realize that there were actually good things that were going on in that time.
But in my effort to move forward,
it was like I was constantly rejecting because I wanted to get better.
I wanted to improve. I wanted to move forward. Right.
What I'm realizing because he shows me this picture
of me and I'm wearing what was the time
my favorite soccer jersey my uncle had brought back from Brazil.
And I was a little awkward at the time
and I was a little pudgy and the shirt was a little tight.
And I saw it right away.
And I was kind of like, oh, God, like I don't like I just knew.
I just didn't want to whatever.
And the Lord says, you know, and somebody has to love this kid.
Hmm. And I was like, oh, wait a minute.
And for the first time, I had a tactile thing I could grab
of this self-hatred thing, pull the thread from
was that there was this little boy. Right.
And then that picture doesn't have any trauma or whatever in it
that I'm aware of.
But I had been, in a sense, rejecting myself all these years. Right.
And so he said, what about this kid?
And then what about this one?
And I was all day. Everybody's doing their own thing.
I was off by myself.
The Lord, I wish I could wish I could tell you
I got to the bottom of all that. I didn't.
And then he said, oh, yeah.
And what about this guy that messed your whole life up?
What about him?
And if you can't love that guy, then how can you love all the other ones?
Mm hmm. You know?
And and so this whole thing about rejection and not loving yourself,
that's the only analogy I have of what is it with this little kid?
It's just like she's saying about loving yourself, choosing yourself.
It's it's going to feel really selfish.
And I'm telling you, talking to.
That's what's been said all these years is self-care is selfish.
And if you take care of yourself, you're being selfish.
And so this ingrained idea, you know, but then I can see the self-hatred.
That's absolutely what it's been.
And what it's become is I can't love myself. That's selfish.
Then there's a scripture.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Exactly right. If you can't.
So some people say exactly right.
And that's been my thing.
That's been a scripture that's hung on me for a while.
But I've had other instances like this where I've had mysteries
about my own childhood.
But the point simply was I started realizing
that I really didn't like I didn't like the person in front of me
in a sense.
But the reality was that there's a whole history of me
that I have been sticking in, you know, in a sense in trying to move forward.
And and that's a mild version.
I think it's a very simplistic analogy of what it is that we're talking about.
And it may seem strange to you to be talking to us to a five year old
in your what it feels like your imagination or something.
But I'm telling you, like, I believe the Lord is going to lead you on a journey.
Now, he may use, I don't know, Christian healing ministries
that I came out of.
He may use sozo or this other group or whatever. Right.
You know, I you know, I feel like he's going to start.
And in the process of this, also, I see a disarming of triggers
because I have a feeling that you have more than a couple of triggers. Right.
I'm sure he's learning all about them as he's going about in your new relationship.
Right. And, you know, and and those things are like,
think about when you have a bruise on your arm or you you you just
when somebody just touches your hand, you want to recoil, you know.
And again, it's tied to a moment in time and place.
And the Lord's going to start to is kind of like has to go
in the wiring, in the operating system, whatever, to go underneath
to deal with the root.
And then it's like that area is knotted.
That area is knotted in you.
And then it releases and then toxins and all the other stuff
gets released in that process.
And the other there's two things I want to mention.
I don't know how long we're supposed to be.
I can just babble on sometimes.
So you have to watch me is a lot of good stuff is.
The Lord taught me.
And I feel like this is going to be a big one for you.
Um, and there's tools in which we learn to deal with it, but everybody
wants to talk about forgiveness.
Come on.
This is like the biggest topic right now.
I have the forgiveness book sitting next to us.
Look at, look at one of many I'm sure.
But so, and everybody talks about it.
Forgive, forgive, forgive, you know, you're like, Oh my God, I've forgiven
everybody, like I've forgiven my ex-husband, like 365,000 times, you know?
And right.
But there are these elastic things that it was like, we keep trying to
forget and they just keep coming back.
Right.
And the Lord showed me once.
And I, I have a feeling this is going to mean something to you
because it's another heart thing.
Um, the word came to me, safe Harbor, safe Harbor, safe Harbor, safe Harbor, safe.
Harbor, right.
Right.
And I was thinking about the safe Harbors that the pirates used
to use to shelter during storms.
So you go into these safe Harbors and they're safe from other people, but
they're safe from the elements and the waters and, you know, all the rough
weather and they would come and they would stay in this safe Harbor.
And the Lord asks me, Ed, what are you harboring?
And I'm like, Oh, Oh, I don't know if I like where this is going.
There's a tone.
He has at times what I know he's not asking me to answer his question.
He's trying to tell me something.
And I don't know if I like where this is going.
Okay.
And so he started to show me some things that I didn't realize that
I was harboring in my own heart.
But for our purposes here, he showed me a boat and the boat had a name
and the name belonged to a person.
And there were all of these, these chains to anchors that
were, um, down anchored into the soil.
And each of those chains was written what that person had done to me.
And he said, Ed saying, you forgive this person, you know, without
forgiving what they've done to you is like telling this boat to sail out of
this Harbor without pulling up the anchors.
So there's an aspect in forgiveness where we really have to, and it's not fun.
Okay.
Depending on who it is, where we really have to go and forgive the very things
specifically that have been done or they did, or that the hardest one, what we've
done in order for that, and then what it looks like for you, it looks like a
release because there's a lot of spiritual activity that's been around you in your
life.
And I don't know where you are with this terminology, but I'm just going to use
the word that I, that I know of, right.
You've been exposed to a tremendous amount of witchcraft and I don't mean
necessarily, we use that word now that we know what it is.
We're like, this is, this is witchcraft.
And I'm getting these witchcraft dreams when I interact or somebody's, I mean,
like the moment that somebody emails me, the moment that somebody, um, cuts me off
on Facebook or, you know, if it is witchcraft related, I will get a stab in
my ear, stab in my back, a physical sensation.
Or I had like, I was just running to the bathroom sick the other night when Sam
started the email stuff, believing again, I'm bad.
I'm evil.
My, my kids don't even need me.
Like I'm not good for Nick.
Like just suddenly I'm believing I'm evil.
I'm bad in that moment.
I'm like, this is witchcraft.
Yeah, go ahead.
Rick has this little booklet in it.
And he talks about witchcraft, not in the sense of like, you know, women with green
faces and warded noses and, and broomsticks putting toadstool or
whatever that is into a culture.
Right.
It's really any form of manipulation is a form of witchcraft and somehow, even if
people aren't casting spells on you or cursing you in the sense of whatever, you
know, words have power, just like, you know, Jesus person to fig tree or whatever
the case is, you know, we have life and death on the tongue, but there's
a spiritual response to the things that are said, right.
And you throughout your whole life.
And I think that in the end, when you walk through the other side of this, you're
going to be unbelievably sensitive in a good way.
And you are really are a seer.
I'm telling you, like I knew it while I was sitting in the chair over there
before I even opened your mail, you really are a seer and the Lord's going to
open up all this stuff and redeem it.
I'm telling you, I'm telling.
Like I'm telling you, that's the truth and that you've been under tremendous amount of witchcraft of late and sustained attack.
And that's why, like, I was almost suspicious that there was someone in your ex's life that was involved in stuff that they shouldn't be.
But just the fact that he.
Because I actually got the sense today as I was driving home from all this stuff of not, you know, getting my daughter and then getting served this, you know,
emotion that my kids, you know, can't see me right now and all this, I, I suddenly like something hit me and I'm like, is this you Lord?
And I'm still asking him, but I was like, oh my goodness, what if I'm a seer?
So it's funny.
And like, what if these dreams and things that I've been having, maybe they all, I mean, I can't imagine that they all happened to me.
I mean, I really don't know that any of them happened to me, but what if I'm seeing them for other people?
Like, what if my husband, I mean, my ex-husband, like God gave me a compassion from him in the moment I forgave him again, you know, even in spite of what he was doing.
And I went, I, I'm seeing things sexually off with him.
And he had said to me when everything went down, my partner, the last year of our marriage, my partner is hitting on me.
His business partner, my, my patients are hitting on me.
Um, this guy's hitting on me.
I mean, he was talking about it.
When he harassed Friday night, it was sexually related.
Yeah.
When he harassed Nick, he said, get the, you know, what out of your, you know, what?
And he called him, you know, asked him other questions that were sexual.
So just different things that have been coming up lately.
And I'm going the way he's acting and the self-loathing that would cause him to reject himself so hard that he would act in these ways for years on end.
Like, I was like, what if there's like, the Lord is showing me compassion for him in whatever he's been through.
And I've thought about that before, but it was more today.
It was like, there could be something really severe that I could have, you know, the Lord could bring me over time to compassion for, to pray for him.
Not that I'm responsible for him, but that could be in his, his history or his family line with, with the things I'm seeing with the incest and the, you know, the sexual dreams and all.
Or maybe it's not, but I just, I had that thought today.
So one thing for sure is that there are certain people that have a larger receiver than others, right.
And just like any receiver, if it's not tuned to the right station, it's going to pick up other stuff.
You know, you know, you're wanting to, I don't know, listen to Christian and you're listening and you get death metal, you know, whatever, like if the radio, if the radio is off in your car, you can set it to the station.
But if it's not tuned right, you're going to be receiving all kinds of things.
And so my sense is that your house is probably more active than you want it to be.
And I would advise praying over your home.
Uh, I don't know where you are with anointing things with oil and all of that kind of stuff.
Right.
I mean, not, not like everywhere.
And, and there's, there's another, I had, there was a very powerful thing that happened once in my life where I just come here.
And I heard a man talk about what anointing was, and there's this, there's this idea that anointing is this like magical thing that happens.
It comes over people and, and there's an aspect of that's true, but the word anointing really just means alignment.
And so the doorframe or the, you know, the screws that behind the shades behind you are anointed to hold up your shades or they would fall down.
Yeah.
There's an aspect, even in the land of calling things to be aligned to God's purpose for that place.
And when that alignment happens, things happen, right.
When there's an anointing in the room for healing and you, you do those things or you're obedient to God, things start to open like this.
Right.
So he started suggesting that you can go kind of like, I'm not going to get into the details, but like generational repentance, you can, you can, as the landowner, you can repent.
He gave examples of how he did this for his home because his child was seen red everywhere.
And it turned out that the land that they had moved on to used to be, there had been a massacre of the native Americans.
And so he went and cleansed the land and did stuff and never, there was no issue.
Right.
Well, just interesting that, I mean, not that we haven't done any anointing here, but I don't know how, like, I definitely would not call it thorough by any means, but we bought the house from a gay couple.
So I don't know even what sexually, you know, I don't know if that's the only thing or if that's related with this home.
So in the scripture, they talk about, I don't want to get on a rabbit trail, but in scripture, they talk about.
in various places, there was a drought in the land.
And David inquired of the Lord,
why is there a drought?
And he said, it's because of what Saul did,
I think it's to the Gibeonites or the Jebusites or something,
not the Jebusites, I can't remember the name of,
but there's a people group and he did wrong by them.
And as a result of what he did, Israel was in a famine.
So David went to the family and made right,
which you can't always do, went and repented on behalf
of the whole nation and upon of Saul,
even though Saul is now dead and the drought broke.
So similar to kind of doing generational
where you're standing as the high priest of your family
and saying, you know, Daniel did it
on behalf of the Israelites.
There are several prophets that went and they said,
forgive me for the sins of my forefathers, right?
And you stand as the high priest of your family,
you repent, deal with the legalities of these things
that allow stuff to hang on
and then that stuff can go, right?
So similarly-
So like courts of heaven almost,
or do you guys believe in courts of heaven?
Well, I mean, it's, you can say it's like courts of heaven,
whether it's courts of heaven to me are a reflection
of kind of, it's a, for me, it's a visual,
it's a visual reality of something
that we're already participating in.
When we're repenting and going before the Lord,
we're dealing with the legalities of stuff,
sin and other things in our lives,
whether you want to say you're in a courtroom or you're not,
you're doing legal transaction.
And so when people have certain things
attached to them in their life,
whether it's generational or not,
repentance deals with the legality.
And then once the legal things are done,
like as a principle of deliverance,
there's nothing for the spirits to hold onto anymore
and the stuff's got to go.
I've done my share of deliverance, right?
But the point I'm making with your home
and particularly your bedroom is, okay,
you can do that very same thing.
Do you know what those guys did before you?
Nope, but you can sit there before the Lord and say,
Lord, I don't know what they did.
I'm going to come before you.
This is our house.
We're taking responsibility for this land.
Lord, as representatives and the owners of this house,
we take responsibility.
Lord, forgive us as if you were those people
for anything that comes to your mind
that the spirit may lead you to,
to deal with the legalities of it.
You break the power of those things.
But this is the point that I wanted to get to.
That was the rabbit trail, okay?
Is there is a purpose and a place for your home,
your land, like your bedroom, right?
And you can speak that into existence, right?
And so if particularly in your bed and your bedroom,
for some reason, I think,
like the nightmares and things like that,
you anoint the place, but it's like,
this house is like Daniel seeing the angels ascending
and descending.
This is the house of Bethel.
Listen to me, no other than the house of the Lord.
This is a place of peace and encounter and dreams.
This is a place where angels will reside.
This bed is a place where they're going to be
in heavenly encounters with God.
This is where I'm going to meet the Lord
on a nightly basis.
This is where we're going to have dreams.
They're going to catch us up.
This is the place where we're going to have union and experience
union together.
Lord God.
Right.
And you call that place to alignment.
Right.
And we heard this teaching, my roommate and I did,
and we went both.
We went home.
We both had horrendous dreams that night.
And I was having these weird sexual dreams and whatever.
And I woke up the next day going, Oh Lord.
You know, and I want to say, what did I do?
What's the matter with me.
But my first thought was who was sleeping in this bed before me.
Yeah.
And I go out to have breakfast.
And then my roommate says, Hey, you know,
I was thinking last night.
Do you think we should pray over our place?
I had some weird dreams last night.
And I was like, me too.
And I said, so we went and we, we,
we repented and did the whole thing.
And we called the place and I kid you not. He's a very talented musician.
He said,
We have all these songwriting classes and I've never been able to write
music in my life.
I can play music, but I just can't write.
And included in that. And the next day he woke up.
With songs in his head and he started writing and he couldn't stop.
The whole thing had changed.
The whole atmosphere and the place changed and it opened something in
him.
And I feel like there's something like that for you to reclaim the
night.
Does not have to be something you're battered to and fro that it can be
something that's protected and a place of encounter.
And a place where you are.
God is speaking and revealing to you where your mind can be quiet and you
can redeem that place. That's really.
I really believe.
That can be.
be redeemed, your house can be a haven. And it's a note. And
that's where brother you have the authority to speak over this
place. And it's like you both do. But, you know, there's a
there's a certain authority that we carry. And it's kind of like,
hey, you know, Sam can be a nightmare everywhere else. But
he and all that he carries may not come into my home. Yeah.
That stuff, you know, you can sprinkle stuff around your yard
throw salt, it doesn't matter, you can reclaim the borders, no
demons, nothing or anyone that comes in this home, all of they
may come, but all of their stuff has to stay. And you know, they
have to listen, they have to obey and work. It works. I'm
telling you, and that house. So in the midst of all the chaos
around you, that place can be a place of stillness. Yeah.
You had to do it over our house. Well, we both have, but he may,
you know, he just spoken a certain measure of authority.
And then he specifically had to do it over a bedroom, because
we, when we moved in, I was having a hard time sleeping. And
I don't have a hard time sleeping, but I would like wake
up all throughout the night. And I would have and I'd be up for
a few hours and can go back to sleep. And I was hearing weird
noises that didn't match anything in the room. Like that
doesn't make any sense. And it will be loud. And so it's like,
okay, I know what that is. So anyway, I told him I said we
because I didn't just let it happen one night and then just
make a judgment call. It was multiple nights. And I was like,
okay, I haven't this so I let Ed know what was going on. So he
prayed about it, you know, prayed over declared authority.
And I'm telling you what, haven't had that experience
since.
In Morningstar Ministries, we haven't we've had a problem. We
were like, absolutely not allowed here.
Yeah, it feels like we at least like pacified like we knew like
hey, we need to declare like we were just kind of before a
certain area like declarations, declarations, declarations,
trying to take authority, but not sure, you know, like, is
this working, you know, kind of like wavering a little Yeah,
faith is a little shaky, I can admit myself. And then I feel
like it's been pacified with your teaching on abiding in God
and like, we are with him. And he is with us like we're seated
in heavenly places. Well, you know, we can be seated on
heavenly ground that isn't subject to spiritual attacks and
anything else. We've been declaring that at night. It's
been helping, at least for a few weeks or so. But then, you know,
stuff kind of rears its ugly head again here and there. So
now we need to use this.
It's like it can't come in. I can't like I can't like I can't
allow this to come in, like you said, and steal the night I have
to take it back like these nightmares. You know, the fear
of even going to bed because you could have one of these
nightmares. That's can't live in fear like that.
Her being a seer, I think it's hard for her to, like she needs
resolution and a dream before she can fully, you know, get up
to conquer the day is because like, if I'm feeling in
turmoil, right when I wake up, like she needs to she either
wants to go back to sleep to like resolve or you know,
whatever else like, like there's things that and I have a friend
that kind of does the same. The same kind of scenario scenario
is like, well, do I really want to wake up into all this stuff
yet until this is resolved, or they're in a good dream. They're
like, well, I don't want to wake up because you know, I'm seeing
things, you know,
but you got to shake it off with such intensity where things are
coming at you so hard, and you know, it's pure witchcraft, but
it's, you know, but it's definitely kind of all consuming
and, you know, whatever it I just I just don't want to I just
don't want them anymore. I just don't want to do that. I don't
feel like I need to be subject to that. So thank you for
sharing everything that you can say this. We're definitely
receiving that and taking that to heart.
And brother, I don't I don't know what your side of all this
is. But I know as a man, it can be feel very powerless. When
we're in situations where we want and feel like our main job
is to protect the person that we're with, or we want to help.
And we're always trying to restrain ourselves from fixing
things, because that's who we are. We like to fix stuff,
right. And, and I just wanna, and so when we're in situations
where we don't feel like we can, or we don't know what to do, it
can really, it's almost like emasculating, it can almost feel
emasculating, in a sense, because we can't do anything, we
can't go punch somebody in the face, we can't respond with fire
with fire, we can't do the stuff you're saying. And, and I can't
say that I have got great pearls of wisdom. But what I'll say is
that you have, by God and authority in the relationship in
a certain facet. And you can speak the opposite into
existence of what's happening.
You can call forth life out of chaos.
You can speak peace over her.
You can speak with love and joy in these things.
And the enemy tries to make you believe
that your words have no power.
It just sounds like, but that is the, it's a complete lie.
There's a total lie.
That's why, I don't want him to get on a soap box,
but that's why there's like a total,
even on every sitcom, there's like this dismissiveness
of the role of a father in all of the shows
as this like kind of absent-minded doofus
that doesn't know anything that's going on with his kids
and just pays the bills and blah, blah, blah.
When the reality is that God's given you a place,
both of you, in an aspect of how you're supposed
to function together.
And that he's given you an authority
and that your words have authority and weight.
And it's kind of like,
but it's like a little like compounded interest,
that you just consistently start to sow these things
and you'll start to see, it'll start to shift and change.
And you can, and that's why it's like,
what do we do about him?
Well, the scripture says that we bless him.
Oh, that's super hard, right?
And if this helps, okay,
I had a guy that I really trusted.
And he said that if you, for instance,
if you were to bless a witch
or if you were to bless somebody
that's operating into something,
it's like pouring hot coals on their head, right?
So you move in the opposite spirit,
as Graham Cook would say, and you bless, right?
Bless, you bless and whatever,
and then let God do the judging, right?
Which is super hard where you are,
but he's given you guys authority,
that's your home, that's your place,
and you can control what that is.
Yeah, I think oftentimes-
We're on the phone, you gotta run?
No, she's looking up some notes of some revelations.
I just wanted to share one thing that he showed me,
and I don't know, before we go, just, it's very short,
but I wanted to make sure I pulled it up
because I felt like I was supposed to share it.
I don't really know what it means exactly,
but I felt the Lord on it for the season.
So go ahead and go.
I was just kind of speaking to the fact
of knowing the authority,
like I think too often I place that on God,
like God, Holy Spirit come, speaking out peace,
but I'm like, hey God, you do this,
and I think that-
Kind of how you've been taught,
I mean, through church and so forth.
And in prayer, but now I can do both,
like it's not gonna hurt to have Holy Spirit
minister to somebody,
but also to speak life into the situation myself,
to back that up or to-
Your authority.
Yeah.
Because the heaven was given to the Lord,
and the heavens is the Lord,
and the earth was given to man.
And so it's our authority and what it is that we allow
in this world that is given the authority to,
and is given the permission to start taking effect.
So God will talk about,
we can call on God to do things and he'll do things,
but there's an aspect in which he wants us
to partner with him because that will kind of,
it can kind of exponentially increase the effect
and sometimes flat out help cause the effect
because God's the one who spoke at first,
we're coming into agreement with that truth,
and then that truth can make impact.
So we don't make up the truth,
but God does call us to come into authoritative partnership
by receiving that truth and saying, yes,
that truth that I come into agreement with
and allow in this kingdom to take effect,
and then it does.
And also just mentioning this really quick,
you had talked about that it can,
that y'all tried to remember,
that y'all were the authority that you were,
and that you would speak,
and that, oh, you're wavering in your faith and all of that.
One of the things that has helped me is,
and I always try to articulate this
the best way I can to get it across.
What helped me is I would try so very hard
to speak things in faith,
and then I would always be wavering.
Oh, I wonder if this is working
because what I realized later that I was trying to do then
and why that didn't always work
is because it's almost like I was trying to use
some formula that was completely outside of me.
And I was just hoping that I had the right formula
and like, well, I think this is how God said
it was going to work.
You know, am I talking the way
and with the authority that God said that I had or whatever?
So what I found made all the difference in the world
and where the spirit world finally started to listen to me.
And when I started.
to actually see things, uh, uh, uh, happen in my life and things change like sometimes
virtually immediately is when I made, which is what I've talked to a lot about lately is I made
an intentional choice that that was so. So in other words, I felt like I was making it up.
I so badly, I mean, I so intentionally chose it. So I didn't make it up. God said it,
I just grabbed a hold of it. And I'm like, well, then it's true. And I started acting
like it and choosing it for myself as if I'd never believed anything else. So I didn't grab
a hold of it as a hope that I hope that I understand this. I hope it's working. That's
like thinking that it's something outside of me, some law that I'm trying to utilize.
That's not my authority. Then that's just hoping formula that God put into place is,
you know, that I'm using it correctly in our authority, our choice that that's what's going
to be. So if that's helpful, that helped me stop wavering in my faith is if I realized that God
gave me the power to choose that it was going to be. So as if I was making it up a new rule in my
kingdom, that's like a big piece of authority. I mean, what authority is that you're describing?
Now, obviously you only choose the things that God has already said. We don't get to decide what we
wish we had the authority to say and what we wish that we could do. And we decided to be all big and
bad by ourselves. It's what did God say? I stand in that authority. I choose that it's true to the
point where I feel like I'm making it up and I just, and I start acting like it, that makes all
the difference in the world. But anyway, so you remember that, that, that, that the demons, when
the seven sons of Sceva went and you were trying to cast demons out of people and, and the, and
the demons would say, you know, they said, well, we cast you out in the name of, um, I think it was
in the name of Jesus and in the name of Paul or something like that. I remember where the Christ
that Paul serves or something. And the demon said, we know Christ and we know Paul, but we don't know
you. They weren't speaking in the authority that God had given them to, Hey, look, you know, they
didn't know who Paul was. They said, Oh, we know who Paul is. They would have listened to Paul
because Paul stood in the authority of Christ, but these other people are just trying to use
something. And the demons finally called, you know, um, what is that called? Um, call their number
or whatever it is. Yeah. And, um, and then they told him, and then of course they ripped the
demons, you know, ripped them a new one. So anyway, just, just in case that helpful, that,
that helped me finally grab a hold of the authority when before it was, I was like,
Oh, I hope this will work. I would just give yourself a little bit of grace in that
we need to have reframed thinking for sure. But there's a, I just feel like I need to mention
it. There's a, there's a, there's a principle out there that if you believe, right, you'll be right.
Or you'll be all right. That if you, you don't need deliverance, you need, you just don't know
who you are. You know, you don't need inner healing. You don't need whatever. If you just
knew who you are, then you wouldn't need these things. Or I heard somebody from stage say, you
know, no Christian should ever be depressed. If you're a Christian, you should never be depressed.
And that's fine. You know, good for you. That's fine. But the reality is if you don't deal with
the stuff, because there's a certain element of truth in the whole, like, if you, if you really
know who you are, then you can start to function from that place. But the Lord showed me, you know,
I don't want to get into the detail in an encounter I had about, about it changed my understanding of
what ministry really was to help people step over and to identify more with him than their garbage.
But the thing is, like, but when we have so much stuff, like for me, what he showed me was,
like, I carried around all of my mistakes, right? And I looked at those things as what I identified
with more than I did with him, his character, his nature and stuff. So my understanding,
then after this encounter was that my real job is not to fix people or heal people. But my real
job is to help remove the stumbling blocks to keep people from stepping into that reality.
And as you're walking through your process, you're going to hear a lot of things about addressing
thought patterns and things which are important. They are important. Okay. But you also have
things that just need to be healed. And, and to be give yourself grace that it's okay that you're
worth it, that you're worth the time and the effort. Okay, that God thinks that you're worth it.
that he's proud of you. And I can tell you one thing I know for sure is that timing is everything.
And I believe that your time has come. There's an alignment that is happening in your life.
And there's like a flushing and a cleansing that's going to happen. And so in this time,
if you have a memory of something, especially like sticky ones, right? Don't just
push him aside, you know, that's an opportunity that he's bringing forward in this cleansing,
so to speak, where for him to come in, heal and for that place to get free.
It's like he's reclaiming the land in your soul. I look at soul sometimes as land. There's areas
that he is reclaiming in you. And you get to be a participant, you get to go with him, but it's
not your job. That's not your job. His job, not your job, his job. And so if you get into a place
where people are saying all the right things, and it's like, I'm just not getting it. Why am I not
getting it? Everybody's getting it. You know, what's wrong with me? Why can't I just get it?
Why can't I, you know, well, you know, why do I have these memories, whatever, just your own
journey. And I have a feeling that there's going to be, it looks just like these, these releases
that are going to be happening in your life. They're what? Releases. Releases. They're being
released as they're being dealt with. And it's like in a sort of effortlessness that comes with
his sovereign input and injection to it. And he may use ministries. He may use other people.
I doubt it's going to be all by yourself because he's a relational God. And there's something about
us being vulnerable in front of people. I really do believe that that's true and that you're going
to start to see this kind of a cleansing and stuff and really don't worry about things you don't
remember. Don't, I did the disease of introspection. Don't get lost in yourself.
Let God be the one that's in charge of your soul. As a matter of fact, I would almost kind of
dedicate your soul to God and just say, okay, my soul is your responsibility. Okay. I'm going to do
my part. You do your part. And he may give aspects of it back to you, but that's just, you're like,
you're in his, in his, you know, you're up in his business. Right. Let God be God and you, you know,
be you, you be the kid and let him be the parent. Yeah. Yeah. Remember in line with what he said,
something, you know, that we've talked about before, as far as like, you know, healing the
body through the, or healing the soul and the body through the spirit. I don't know if you remember
that one or maybe you haven't, maybe you haven't watched that one anyway. So there is a, in the
guides in the, in the rest intensive go to guides and the look at one, I think it's an extra, I think
it's one of the bonus teachings. Look at healing the body, healing the spirit, healing the soul
and the body through the spirit. Anyway. So I don't think I've reposted that one recently,
but that point is that it meant it's that kind of a, kind of a thing where, I mean,
where we don't have to micromanage all of the healing, the soul in the body,
they already know how to heal themselves because God created them to function in a particular way.
And what they have, what we have to do is we have to just, we just have to, you know,
presenters, we have to be a safe place for the spirit. Our spirit has to be a safe place for
the soul and the body. So it'll trust it. So it'll begin to open up. And then what I do is,
and I posted a way that you can talk to your spirit and soul and body. I don't know if you've
seen that post recently that I recently posted, but if you scroll down within like the past week
or two, you'll see it in any way that just kind of gives you an idea of like, Oh, it's that kind
of an interaction. And that type of, one of the things that I, I just mentioned to that was a
write-up that I did of how I talked to my spirit, soul and body. One of the things that I told,
told my spirit and I, and I do this periodically as I tell it, bring in the spirit of wisdom and
understanding, et cetera, you know, the same thing, you know, you know, because that's the Lord
is a spirit of wisdom, understanding, et cetera. And, and then bring all of that into heal because
it knows how to heal in a manner of speaking the soul. Sure. It knows how to shift and come
into agreement with the Lord without us having to micromanage it and tell us how to do it.
We just have to say, Hey, look, do it. And then subconsciously you will start to shift without
you knowing without in the, at night when you're sleeping and it'll start to change,
you'll start, all of that'll start to shift. And then God, you know, in the spirit of wisdom,
spirit of understanding, and then, you know, obviously just the Lord and the spirit,
the Holy spirit themselves, they'll come in.
And they will begin to heal things because they know what room wounds are
there and they know how to heal them.
And the soul doesn't know how the soul does not know how to do it.
In fact, I had a, I had a vision one time, and I think I may have mentioned
it in that, in that teaching that you'll watch where, um, I saw, I saw a, a body.
And then I saw, I saw it double.
So in other words, I saw the soul come out of the body.
I did not know that that was the soul until the whole vision was finished.
But anyway, I saw it double.
And then I saw it had a wound in its heart.
And then, so the, um, uh, or maybe that was the body that came out in a new way.
The soul walked over to it, whatever it was.
And then this was trying to fix itself.
And then God looked over at me because I'm like behind the person, you know,
that's working on himself and looked at me and he said, tell that, tell that
person, tell that soul that what he's doing won't work.
Okay.
So it told them, Hey, God says it won't work.
So it was like, okay.
So he backs up, gets back inside the, the, the body.
In other words, he rejoins himself.
Oh, that's what it was.
That was what was outside.
It was the person's heart and it had a wound in it.
So the soul got out of the body, tried to fix it.
Couldn't got back in.
And then, and then that person's spirit came out of God's sort of came out of
that heaven where God had been standing and it worked on it to heal the heart.
And then the soul looked at it going, oh, so that's how you do it.
And that's how I, how I kind of got that idea of like, and how I began to, and how
I then eventually did that teaching is, you know, like I said, be, be kind to
yourself, you don't have to do it.
You don't have to know how to do it.
So you're not being held accountable by God to do it.
Let him come in and do it.
You just have to finally make yourself available and that vulnerable and, you
know, just like, okay, um, you know, and that, and the way you do that is by
fully accepting yourself by no longer resisting you thinking that all of the
negative things that you find thinking that they're actually, you know, those
are just, those are, I don't know, traumas or, or, you know, beliefs or, or
things that happen to you or attacks or whatever.
They're not who you are and you can have compassion for your coping mechanisms.
The things that the five-year-old is currently still doing to protect
themselves and what you as an adult are doing to cope and protect yourself,
fully love and accept yourself.
Then you'll feel free enough to begin to change.
That's how we open ourselves.
That's the thing that we do to partner with God in the healing.
We love and accept ourselves completely.
That makes us open, vulnerable enough for the Lord to come in and do the work.
He doesn't expect us to know how to do it.
He just wants us to make ourselves available.
We make ourselves available by fully accepting ourselves
and stop resisting ourselves.
Yeah.
Well, I would just encourage you that I almost feel like I want to pray into this
for you, uh, I think we're starting to lose you a little bit.
Got it.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Okay, go ahead.
We started to break up, but we're back.
Can you hear us?
Yeah, we can.
Um, I want to encourage you that as you have memories, if they start to come up,
um, there's two things I want to say, I'm going to do it in reverse order.
One, there is something called cleansing dreams.
I want to make you aware of, and those cleansing dreams are dreams where
you're having dreams about man.
Like normally it's stuff appalling things you've done in your past or, or,
and then we want to wake up and think, Oh God, maybe that hasn't been resolved
or whatever, and people call those cleansing dreams.
That's that's how it's kind of like.
Uh, God at night doing work in our soul.
And these things are being like, you're being detoxed.
Okay.
You're being detoxed in a sense, your soul's being unpacked and detoxed and
you have, they call them cleansing dreams.
And normally it's, I know a lot of people that have had this say they got
it's funny because they call it detox, the inner healing.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Oh, I was wondering, I thought she was like over here, like judging every word
I'm saying is because she's frozen on the screen, like this, like, wow, this is not
landing at all.
I just thought it was funny because we lost you, but I thought it was funny
because you said the detox thing and that's specifically what they call it in
this, um, inner healing RSM.
They call it detox in your night cycles.
You will detox after the testing and the new truth and the new belief that the
Lord speaks and everything over a certain period of night.
And so it's kind of cool, I think is the most like confirmation that that actually works and that actually happens. So go ahead though.
Don't don't freak out about your dreams. Okay. And then the other thing is like, as you were if you start to have memories and I'm not talking about hidden memories but just things that have come up from your past that have been painful.
Right. And if you notice that your first reaction is to push it away, or stuff it.
Right, which is probably how you survived in your life is to stuff these things.
Right. And there she is like she's got that look like you're frozen get on our screen, and you're again you're looking at me.
I'm like, wow.
I would encourage you that I don't know that they can hear us.
Hear you but we're, you're all frozen. You're all frozen on your end too. I don't think it's my internet, but I could be wrong at one point saying it was so we're frozen but you never lost what we were saying.
Yes. Yeah, but not keep talking. Okay, I wanted to make sure so need to pause but we're so instead of pushing things down or push them aside. That's a time when you can take the Lord.
And you literally invite him into that. There's a, there's a great thing that he talks, there's a guy here, you know, Rick he talks about he's been a big lover of history and history is his story.
It's his story.
For me, inner healing is going back and reclaiming things, and it becomes his story. It's the events themselves don't change, but he reframes how that happened.
Does that make sense to you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Now, you're, you're open I'd like to pray for you. Is that okay.
I don't know if we're going to have stable enough connection to be able to do this or not.
To pray.
Yeah, I'm just over you I'm going to ask you, I'm going to ask you if you want to try something.
Yeah, definitely. I'm definitely open to it I just feel like I want to share this last thing with you before we hang up. Is that okay, something that I had on my heart to share with you.
Regarding what we were saying earlier when we were talking about, you know, fully, fully accepting fully embracing, you know, the little girl whatever parts.
Regardless of whether they ever changed all that I had written something down and I felt like I felt like the Lord kept bringing it up I'm supposed to read to you it says, asking God who.
So, forget that part but he says, honor your past to accelerate into the present honor what you've been given so you can embrace what's next.
And so that can be experiences but I also felt like that was for my past experiences not just in terms of relationally or with my ex husband or whatever I've had to go through to get to now but also kind of like my whole life and the things and the stages
that have helped me along the way and honoring that to accelerate into the present, like, giving honor where honor is due, do you know what I'm saying instead of being like oh that was a mess and that was a mess and that was a mess and, you know, all of it's
been a mess until now, really honoring the journey I guess and, and, you know, each, each, each experience each person each relationship even when it comes to myself.
And then the other thing is funny because I was looking at my notes I found that first and then I felt like God was like tell them what I told you about this 120 days.
So I was like okay so I'm looking back my notes I'm trying to keep track of both of them and then I finally realized, both words are in the same note, like the two separate words he was telling me to share are in the same note, and I was searching
and looking for both of them and they're in the same note. So, it basically just says, I woke up at the four o'clock hour which he often would see up at the 4404 444, it's like consistent thing with the Lord that he does and speaks and so I was
hearing that 120 days is a significant breakthrough of healing and that there would be peace and joy associated, and I felt that in my sleep. I had the sense that I would be flooded with tears and wailing grief before and around them but it would be
very healthy and productive. And when I woke I felt an urgency to look up the meaning of 120, as I've been feeling in my sleep to the point of waking, and you know looked up some different explanations so I don't know that I know if that's a figurative
thing, if it's talking about Jubilee, and you know, there's a lot of meanings behind 120 that various people talk about, but I felt so strongly I knew that was from the Lord, whatever it means that it was a positive thing.
And then he was saying, you know, which 120 breaks down into four months not saying that that's what it is but that's the universe that would be the anniversary of all of the.
attacks that I've had that landed me in the hospital, the beginning of when my ex put
me on the street and took my kids and all that was February.
And ever since then, there was another February, two years later, and then three years after
that February.
So it's like, we're reclaiming this, like God's doing this work at the seven year mark
of all of this, you know, the seven years of the end of all this madness.
And the number four means a lot to me.
And he speaks through it all the time and he woke me up at four o'clock hours saying
120 days.
So I don't know if, but it was just cool that he said that and that he said, gave me such
a sense that like of healing and peace and joy that was coming, whether it's actually
months he's talking about or a season.
So just wanted to share that.
I mean, there's so much of like, you know, I go on for like 1000 years, I feel like,
the encounter I had that, that I want to try to make this real quick, because I, I know
it's getting kind of late and stuff is, so I was leaving someone's house, and I got in
the car.
And I don't even remember what I was repenting about.
Okay, but I was repenting for something, you know, and I mean, you just heard in this habit,
you know, you should repent and I'm repenting for something.
And it was like, the Lord was like, done.
Why are you still looking at?
And I was like, Okay, all right, well, he's got that in his voice again.
And, and he's like, you know, or he was Ed, you know, like, I know the word identity.
And it was embarrassing that this happened, like in the last three years, that that you
would think that I would know what identity is, right.
His word was, Ed, you need to be careful what you identify with.
And I was like, Okay, what are you talking about?
And he goes, you know, because he said, I'm not looking at that, you know, you are he
goes, Are you going to identify with me?
Are you gonna identify with your junk?
Are you gonna identify with me?
Are you gonna identify with your sin or your failures or your mistakes or your whatever,
or are you going to identify with me, my nature, my character, my stuff?
And he, then I was observing.
This can be very hard for some people to hear because it almost sounds sacrilegious.
But I was observing a conversation between myself and the Lord.
And it was like, I was always a third person watching this thing.
And the Lord just walked in.
And for me, and actually a laugh, like when the Lord wants to get something through to
me, he tells me or asked me the same thing three times, like Peter, like, just just takes
three times for some reason.
And he just looks at me, and I'm looking at him and he says, I am who you are.
And I was confused, alone.
I am who you are.
Like, I don't understand.
He goes, Yeah, I am who you are.
And I repeat back to him, I am who you are.
And he said, I am who you are.
And then I face brightened up and I was like, I am who you are.
And he says, I am who you are.
I am who you are.
And we went through this whole back and forth thing.
And he said, it's time for my people to identify more with me.
It's good.
Oh, good.
There are mistakes, there are baggage, there are whatever, you know, that's the day that
things change for me.
It's like, there's so many of us that have so much stuff that get in the way of us even
being able to try to apprehend that reality that is actually talking about, like, your
nature is his nature.
His way of being is your way of being.
Your history is not your teacher.
Your history is not your rabbi.
He's your rabbi.
And oftentimes our history is, you know, what makes up our future, but not in the kingdom.
Right.
That's good.
Yeah.
And that level of, I mean, you guys are, I'm so thankful you're bringing us into this understanding
because we've been talking so much about, I mean, this is such a revelation to understand
our union and the no separation and that, you know, how can this be?
I mean, it does feel sacrilegious at first, like you said, you know, and most many believers
would, you know, maybe balk at that, but that's how close we are.
That's how I, you know, we identify with him that closely.
And that's reality.
That's not just like a, you know, what we've called it like, oh yeah, we're one with Christ
or yeah, we're one with the.
father or whatever, but we haven't not like not identified with it.
And our, and, and lived our life in such a way.
And that's, that's a huge shift that you guys are bringing to so many.
And I see you guys doing this on such a bigger scale.
I mean, I just see God blessing this so much.
And I even had a dream before the rest intensive started this time.
That I was my whole, my whole, um, my ministry, my business had become to
share about the rest intensive that I was sharing with people, you know, out
and about, um, which I'm constantly connecting with people, that's just
what I do, but it's like, that was what it was.
It was all about the rest intensive.
Like there was such a revelation on this and I knew it was for me, but it
was definitely not just for me, you know, and that somehow, yeah, that I
was going to help spread that even beyond the sense that I got, um, that
it would mark my whole ministry.
And the Lord said through a prophet a couple of years ago, your ministry
will be marked by signs, wonders, and miracles, but it will come from
a place of rest and he will just do it.
It won't be any striving.
And that's before I knew anything about rest at all on any level.
So he said it and he's doing it.
So anyways, thank you for sharing that.
That's amazing.
Amazing.
You know, you are definitely, I want to use the word, I'm going to use a word,
but I have to qualify it and that's a rescuer in, in our codependent histories.
Yeah.
You know, rescuer is not a good thing.
Right.
Okay.
But in a redeemed sense, you can be, I think there's been the, I think there's
a, there's a place where God can do something sovereignly like this, but
what he does in a process, you're given authority and I have no doubt that
you're going to be used powerfully by God to bring healing and understanding
and inclusion and bring in a lot, even integration into a lot of people
and to bring a lot of hope and that there is a joy for morning, you know,
and that there is going to be a real shift in your life and that you're
going to be used very powerfully.
And that there's been such a battle over your senses over, uh, I'm going to use
a word, but don't judge me for it.
Empathic kind of, uh, sensitivity, you know, what we call spiritual
sensitivity, which is really going to turn into a very high form of
discernment and, and even the ability to be able to see as a matter of fact,
uh, Bob Jones used to talk about and set, there's a really interesting
thing where he's taken to heaven and his senses, he got to experience
his senses in heaven as they can fully be like all that he could smell
all that he could see all that he could taste all, whatever.
And he talks about our senses becoming golden, where we can experience
God and in heaven, in the realm of the spirit, through all of our senses,
not just in a, in a vague impression, but that you can smell the rose of
Sharon, you can, you can feel his presence.
You can taste, you know, whatever almonds or whatever it is that is.
But the, the point is that there's a redemption coming in a redeeming of
these things that have been lost.
And then the way it looks to me is that the Lord will take, uh, areas of
someone's life that the enemy intended for evil or to hurt them.
And then you become his, you become his instrument of vengeance
in the way he sees it.
And the sense is that you're now rescuing people from the very
that God, that the enemy was trying to torment you with the God, then you
went into the weapon, the scalpel, the instrument of healing and deliverance
and rescue or whatever it is that it is in a different way.
And I believe that that is really going to be a triumphant part of your story,
you know, and that there's a fierceness and that you are not a victim that you're
a victor and that there's a fierceness to who you are and who you're called to be.
And that all of the dampening that has happened in your life, because it was
clearly seen by the enemy, that there's something that strikes terror into the
ranks of the enemy about you coming into a reality and understanding and
an agreement with who you are.
Right.
And all of that, right.
Well, then start to make sense.
And once you start to see it, you're going to get angry, but what's
going to really happen is you're going to see it in other people and
it's going to make you really angry.
And there was a woman, and this you'll understand for sure, there was a woman
I knew who was called to do some stuff and we were doing deliverance things.
And she was like, I don't know if I can do this.
Like she was very well-mannered and she's like, I just don't know.
She's newly married.
And I said, it's because you haven't had your mama bear button pushed.
She's like, what do you mean, I think every mom has a mama bear button.
Oh yeah, my mom used to say there's no more deadly thing than a mama bear protecting her cubs. Right. And she hadn't had children yet.
Right. And I said once you get your mama bear button, you're going to get it because then that's going to be the Lord's kid, or somebody once you see it, you're going to rise up and you're going to want to do something about it.
Right. Right. Yes.
I feel like there's something very similar for you. Yes, there's a redemption. There's a light of the other in a tumble but tunnel but I would enjoy the ride, because it's going to be the greatest time of intimacy with you and the Lord that you've
ever had. Come on. Yes, the time for you to have tremendous intimacy, where you're going to be able to draw close to him going to be able to tell you things and and don't despise the things that you're doing, or feel like you're having to relearn,
or that you don't in your adult mind. I shouldn't be having to do this.
Remember that there's an aspect of all of us when we're just like a child. Yeah, we're like a kid. We may be five or seven or whatever. And as Ashley says, if you're five be five.
If you're, if you're 13 be 13. Stop trying to make a 13 year old, an adult. In some places, we're all children in certain aspects of our life. Does that make sense.
So, I wanted to try something with you now.
I wouldn't normally just kind of dive in here and do it but I wanted to try something with you.
And by try me and he's done it dozens if not hundreds of times and that you have.
I'm not the guinea pig.
And if it's just too strange of a, if it's just too strange of a situation and you got like zoom and, you know, there's not a box of tissues or whatever, it's okay.
Right. Okay.
You don't see anything, nothing happens.
Okay, don't make.
Don't make stuff up. Okay, but we're just going to try something. Okay. Okay.
And so basically, I'm going to pray and don't distract me sweetie.
All right.
You guys are too.
She's like, don't get too close. I gotta get I gotta get in the zone here. So, so basically, I'm going to just ask, I'm going to pray for the Lord to come.
Okay. And I'm going to ask him to bring something up.
Okay, and you're safe. Okay.
If you don't see anything nothing comes up. Nothing comes up. No big deal. There's nothing wrong with you. Okay, just not the time. Right.
And if he and if something does right, you just let me know. Okay. And all we're going to do.
And this is really going to be important for you is we're just going to invite the Lord into that place. Okay, that's it. That complicated.
We'll see where things go from there. But that's it. I just feel like I want to open something for you. That's it. Okay. Is it okay.
I feel safe.
All right.
So Lord I just thank you Lord I thank you for this call I thank you for my brother and sister Lord, I thank you. And I asked Holy Spirit, you would come
that you would start to fill their space in their home right now Lord that your heart Lord for her to unfold to cover right now Lord I break the power of all the witchcraft they've been under.
I break the power of every word every word curse every word container that Lord is every for lack of better term work order that has been out there in the spirit to plague and harass Lord we asked your angels to come and clean out all the residue to remove to arrest
everything in the home there that is not meant to be that you yourself have not aligned Lord we we speak and we command everything to align to to heaven to the sounds the vibration frequencies of heaven Lord whatever the words are there are right there.
It's just what came out of my mouth that Lord that that place be aligned to heaven, and that be aligned to you.
And so Lord right now.
I asked God if there's anything on your heart for her.
Any place from her life from her past that you want to touch that you would bring it to the surface Lord.
How are you doing?
I'm good, I'm good.
I'm seeing, I've just been seeing this house and started out with like a painter coming in.
Like I saw the, you know, the long painting stick that they use and I saw this painter come in with this bucket of paint and it's like painting up at the top of the ceiling.
And then kind of went and then I just saw like those like is kind of like this house under construction or something like that and I saw these rooms off in the distance and I was just seeing that I'm resistant to want to explore those rooms.
And I'm telling the Lord, you know, I feel scared to go in there, I don't really want to go in there and I've just seen like stuff falling out of the rooms like a, you know, a doll's head rolling on the floor and, you know, things that would seem scary like a jack in the box, you know, and a clown or things like that that feel scary in a way but that's as far as it got in terms of what I actually saw.
So, you're safe. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I was gonna, what I'm going to do, right, let's go back. I'm gonna ask the Lord to come right to be there with you. Yeah.
And then let him if and then I'll pray and if there's something he wants to show you, he'll be the one to lead you to take you. You don't need to go anywhere by yourself.
Okay. So Lord, we thank you for what this is. We don't know what all of this is Lord.
I ask right now that you would just help her to right now we just do we borrow another prayer from a friend of mine Lord we bind our own vain imaginations the voice of the enemy, that Holy Spirit that you would be the one to speak.
So she can confidently rely on you.
Lord we invite you in to this house.
The rooms.
I ask you to show her where you are.
You would join her.
And if you would just invite him to come with you.
Lord would you want to show her.
I just saw him.
And he just like took my hand and pulled me in and the kind of dining room area before the bedrooms or whatever. And it was just this like playful like embrace and I was little.
At that point, and I was like, you know, come with me like kind of pulling him toward the door, and I got really excited like we're going to go in here.
And he was like, like that he was not moving with me he was like, no, like he put it like a stop sign on the door and close the door like you don't need to go in there.
Right. What I saw.
Okay, how old do you think you were
probably looks like four or five.
Okay.
All right.
So that's an exercise we don't need to go any further than that.
But as things come up.
It's really in your alone time, this is where I really feel like the intimacy is going to go to another level, where you invite him instead of pushing these things away.
You invite him in.
He's going to show you things he's going to tell you things.
And this is also. I knew that there was a little girl lives going to be in there.
And that's why I wanted to go.
Like I wasn't going to push it tonight but I knew.
there was going to be a little girl there. I knew before we ever start. Okay. And this is a place
where you can help. The Lord can help you to kind of like, okay, what about this little girl? You
know, because we, we it's, it's, I know it sounds weird. Okay. But we almost have to look at them
as if they're not us. Right. Yeah. Right. You to engage the compassion to realize that this little
kid is a little, she's five and she's scared and she's alone. Right. And she's probably been in
that house for a long time. And if you met a five-year-old and you're going to meet them,
but they're going to be the grownup version of this five-year-old. Okay. You're going to have
tremendous compassion for them. You're going to want to, you're going to want to tell them
that they're safe. You're going to want to make it safe. You're going to want to love them. You're
going to want to tell them what a great job that they've done, that they haven't done anything
wrong. Yeah. Right. And then somewhere in that mystery, okay. Is, is a resolving of you with
yourself. Yeah. Because there's some, there's some place in there that we cross over and that,
that kid really becomes us. And then there's a compassion for you that comes that you didn't
have before. Does that make sense? Yeah. And that's what I mean in this season,
as you're walking through this stuff with Ashley and, you know, as stuff starts to surface,
don't just squelch it, look at it as an opportunity that God may be bringing this stuff up.
And this is an opportunity for you to see aspects of God that you've never had and tools to be able
to help people. And I'm telling you, the Lord is going to bring people that have been through some
horrendous stuff. Right. And, you know, you know, through your life and you're going to be
a great instrument of healing and hope, but he's going to start with you. The rescue,
the rescue mission starts with you. Yeah. That's what he said. That's the big thing.
The rescue mission starts with you, you know, and the first order of any, if you take any
kind of critical care or a first responder or whatever, or if you want to use the plain analogy,
when the oxygen masks fall, the first person that gets oxygen is you. The first thing when you get
on scene is, am I okay? Are we okay? Is the area safe? Not because most people want to run in
and run straight to the person. But the reality is if there's a wild animal, if there's a live
animal, if there's a live wire, if, if you get taken out, then there's nobody there to be able
to help anyone. Right. So you're, you know, and then in the very bottom of all of this is the
Lord telling you, you're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. And he's
going to tell you over, he's going to tell you over, and he's going to tell you over, and he's
going to be relentlessly, relentlessly telling you over and over until finally you give up and
you agree. Yeah. The last image I'm going to leave with you is there was a woman that I knew,
there's two of them as a matter of fact, and she saw one point she went and she was really
struggling. And she was in this prayer appointment and she was behind this wall, a little, little
version of her. And she was really, I don't know how old she was, but she was scared and she was
walled off and there was no getting to her. She was, she had walled herself off. Like this is the
woman, right? She'd been so hurt and stuff. And she started crying and laughing and they said, well,
what's going on? Oh, is the Lord with you? Well, yeah, kind of. What do you mean? I said, well,
he wouldn't come through the door. He was throwing rose petals over the wall.
Yeah. I love it. I've had a, I've had a vision of him where he he was on the other side of a
waterfall. My hands were up and he was right there. Like, but it's like, it was just water,
but it felt like a wall, but it was actually our hands were touching each other through this
waterfall. Wow. But yeah, he will. But he's gentle. He's gentle. His voice is always going
to be gentle. It can be firm and loving, you know, and he's fierce.
Yeah. But with you, he's going to be very gentle. His voice is gentle, you know,
that's all I begged him for is like, I know we're not supposed to beg, but I've just been so
desperate that I've just been like, please, just please be gentle. Like I'm willing to do this,
but please, you know, be gentle. Like I know what harsh feels like, and I don't feel like I can
take that, you know? Yeah. No, David prayed that he's, I don't remember which Psalm it was,
but he prayed, you know, Lord, please be gentle with me. Yeah. And, but that's part of his nature
is he is gentle. He knows you. And one of the reasons that this hasn't been a fast process
is because he is gentle and he knows what you need when you need it. But I have a feeling,
my sense for you, you know, I'm not going to say the sayeth the Lord. Okay.
Yeah. Is that the time is, is here. There's a transition.
And I just would really surrender them to that place of trusting him with, with it.
Yeah. I felt such a sense of like, this is such a, like he's made it so clear to me that this is
such a turning point that this is, this is it. You know what I mean? Like, I know what it's like
to walk with him thus far, but I know what I've been seeking after in terms of freedom and the
fact that he knows that what I, that I need that still. And even though he's told me I'm free,
you know, I don't know if you call it freedom or healing or they go together, but
it's like, I feel such a sense of now's the time. And it's like an urgency. It's like,
like this is the big finale. It doesn't mean that life's not going to continue to go on and that
there's not going to be things, but I'm like, it's, it's such a sense of now is now. And he
set an alarm, like he set up everything he's aligned everything he's forced me lovingly and
gently into and hemmed me in, into this place of rest that he's called me to and says, shut down
everything in your life for this turnoff. I mean, we've, we've, we've moved and shifted as he's
told us to in so many ways to make, make it to tonight, like the job and that the searching for
a new job and me shutting down everything online and my business, my LLC, my nonprofit, my ministry,
my friendships, my everything, just to focus on me and a gift of rest after survival for so long.
And it's like, the fear has tried to say, there's such an urgency on this. You don't want to miss
this. You can't not, you know, you can't miss this, but I know that's not his heart. It's more
like an invitation and it's, it's an inevitable, you know, rescue, I guess you, as you called it
in a redemption and a, you know, embrace between us that has been long awaited in a way, you know,
like this, this coming home feeling. So yeah. Don't fear what you don't know and where it's
going to lead. Okay. That has been my biggest question is like, Lord, you had me shut down my
entire life. And I don't know for how long, I don't know what it's going to look like. I don't
know what you're going to ask of me. I don't know how scary it's going to be. I don't know how, if
it's going to take months or years, you know what I mean? Like all these questions of just, I don't
know, I'm out of control now completely. And that's where I need to be, but it's also felt
not fun, you know, just not knowing anything. Well, just trust takes time and the more history
there is the stronger, the trust. And when you've had your trust broken repeatedly,
especially early in life, that trust is hard. And so there's aspects we trust the Lord,
but we're always learning aspects in which we, we don't. Right. So you have, you're in a house,
like a word, just a minute ago, and there are rooms you don't want to go in because you're
frightened. And he comes into the room and he grabs your hand and you're okay. And he tells
you, you don't need to go in there. And the more time that happens, the more trust is built
and he is trustworthy. We know it. Okay. But he also knows that you need that time
to get the strength, to get the trust to a level where you'll walk with him anywhere.
And then he'll walk, he'll grab your hand and he'll walk. Right. And he'll lead you into all
of these places and you'll trust him and know that he's got the best intent for you. And there's
nothing to fear, but that just takes time. So be don't beat yourself up, you know, have grace for
yourself. Yeah. Amen. Thank you so, so much you guys. Yeah. You're welcome. Thank you for extra
time and going late. I know it's very, very late for you.
y'all. Oh, you are. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, we're in South Carolina.
Yeah. Yeah. Y'all are Illinois, right? Yeah. Our head of us.
Okay. Yeah. Liberty and I had a dinner together.
Was it a September 2021? Maybe?
It's so wild. Yeah, September. And I remember, we were just
starting to, like, intentionally spend time together. And I don't
know if I even told you about it that night, because it's so new.
And I was just meeting you. So I didn't want to be like, well,
there's this potential, you know, guy or whatever. But I
went straight from our visit, Bloomington, you met back to
meet him. Yeah, Bloomington, right? Yeah.
That was good. I love it. Here we are a year later, we're both
married. So straight. I know the way the Lord did all that. I
mean, like parallel journeys and in some ways, you know, yeah,
different circumstances, but just cool timing that I think
it's seven months today. And you guys are like five months in
August, September, October. So we're on our fifth. We're on our
Yeah. Yeah. So our first, our first date was October 31. Last
year. So we just passed our first date anniversary. He's
very new.
Do you remember our date anniversary? I was like, we
have a date.
It's not that we celebrate it. I didn't remember until it passed.
Those are special times, though, to remember the beginnings
because God just such a sweet thing and a beautiful thing and
bringing you together. And I know we weren't expecting it,
you probably weren't expecting it. So it's just so we were, we
were friends and we were not expecting it at all. But the
cool thing is we started liking each other almost literally the
exact same time. Wow. Yeah, that was awesome for me. I had
Facebook stalker for three months before I you know, God
brought her back around so I can finally ask her to a conference
and then two weeks later, finally ask her to coffee.
The first time he asked me to coffee, it was just this like,
dismal failure, you know, like, Oh, my gosh, that was terrible.
Why? Why did I do that? God? Like,
I saw I saw like, I thought it was a engagement ring or
something on her finger. But it was this costume jewelry that a
friend gave her. So I'm like, is she just wearing this to ward
off guys? Because I got nervous when I asked her out. And I put
on the back end like, yeah, I want to learn more about your
ministry. So I'm like, well, maybe she's only here because to
talk about ministry. So I'm just gonna focus on the ministry
piece.
He just like had me talk about myself the whole time. And he
didn't share anything vulnerably from his life. And he wasn't
like, talking hardly at all are easy to get to know. And he was
awkward. And I was just like, I must have misread this. I must
have misread like, maybe I thought he liked me. But like,
I and I laid it down. I said, Lord, I'm just laying down the
expectations. Like I, you know, surrender it all and forget
that. And then he ended up reaching out later and and
saying, I'm glad we met and all that. And I was like, yeah. And
then finally, I said, you know, got up the courage to say, you
know, I was just curious, like, why you asked me out. And I
thought maybe you were interested, you know, because
you asked me to coffee started with our are you always you
always as kind to everybody or whatever. And I'm like, well, I
try to be kind, but like, I was kind of hinting at like, yeah.
No, not this guy. He's so kind. But But yeah, and then it came
out that he's like, well, I saw the ring on your finger. And
then, you know, I just kind of assumed you were not interested
in dating or maybe you weren't ready. And I was like, what?
That was on my ring finger. I just like threw that on. And
when I was going out the door, and it became this big joke. So
anyways, that was
after coffee, we went together to a church event where she
didn't have the ring on, which further complicated, like, why
is she not wearing it now?
The Lord used it to be like a funny beginning to our story,
because I almost never I would have never dated. I've seen him
again, thinking like, that was weird. And then it just became
out that it was a big mistake that he was nervous because I
was wearing a ring on my ring finger, and I didn't even know
it. But yeah, you guys are adorable. I love I love seeing
you together. It's like it makes all sense now, now that I meet
you and see you guys together and how you operate and, like
love each other. You're so sweet to each other.
Thanks. Well, y'all are the first ones to get to have a I
mean, it's transformation session, but personal ministry
time with with it. The first one was amazing. discover how
great it is. I told him I said, take over. Oh, my goodness. I
feel so much.
No, I think it's together. Oh, and I was gonna ask you, I hate
to I never like to pry and ask questions, you know, just out of
the blue people. But I just was curious if you felt led to have
children. Or if you guys feel a leading for that, because I
heavily, like the Lord, maybe a month or two ago, it was like, they're supposed to be parents. And
you know, it was just like putting it on my heart. Like, oh my goodness, she's going to
be a mom. And I don't know what to be, you know, it's like, I know my friend, Nathan,
who's two years old and I am has had, they had three kids in three and a half years.
And he's been, he's had a tough, and I'll say he didn't weather it very, very well. And his wife
likes to remind him of it, you know? So I wonder, you know, it's, it's something we, we want, but
of course, you know, I think like, you know, how old am I going to be when they're in, you know?
Right. Oh, yeah. You're 11 years apart. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I get it. I so get it. I have a lot
of my friends are more at the 50 mark and they're closer to, you know, I feel closer to them than a
lot of my friends that are, you know, 30 or whatever, but I'm kind of in the middle. So,
but who, who, who's counting then? Seriously? Gosh, children are such a reward. They, they really,
really are. I mean, it's, it's people say, but it's like, it is the best thing you'll ever do.
And there's no, nothing that can change that, you know, no age that can put a cap on that kind of
love. So yeah. Yes. Oh, yes. I see that big time. Yeah. Just remember you're not old to your 85.
So I just think that's the truth. I mean, we say it and we mean it, like we say it and our kids
say it, you're not old to your 85. That's cute. It says that, you know, his eyes didn't go dim
and his vigor, which is a multifaceted term did not abate. Right. And I have one pastor
that likes to really get on that, that bigger part, bigger, bigger, you know, what bigger we're
talking about, you know, I was like, amen, Jesus from my eyes. That's awesome. I should like end.
We have to go now. Hey, you guys get some rest and sleep. Well, thank you so much. I just bless
you. And I'm so thankful for the peace and the joy and the revelation and the healing. And I feel
just a total shift, even tonight, just a sense of like, yes, this is, this is where we're supposed
to be at this exact moment. And the understanding that will take us, you know, through into the next,
because it really has felt like a, like I said, just this kind of tangled mess of like, where do I
begin and what is, what is really the hindrance here? You know, what's the holdup
and trying to identify it with my words, but, you know, not knowing which of the things is
the most relevant. And so it's amazing how talking to somebody who gets these things,
especially a couple, like it's, it's just so rare. It's just so, how do you, I mean, I've, I've said,
God, like, who are the people that will understand these things and understand it from your perspective,
your heart, not just a psychological standpoint and, you know, or even a Christian standpoint,
but like aligned all the way through, you know, spirit filled, you know, understanding our, our
rest union with him, like, you know, understanding enough, you know, the authority, understanding,
you know, the gifts of the spirit, but also understanding the mind and the heart and the
wounds and the trauma, the word trauma, which a lot of believers don't know what to do with.
So I'm just very thankful that clearly he sent you, you know, and just, he said, he just placed
this rest intensive and you guys at our life at the exact moment that's undeniable for us. So
thank you. Well, remember that heaven is home. This is the matrix for lack of a better term,
heaven's home. Right. And, you know, you're living in an embassy, you're a walking embassy,
right? That's the truth. Heaven's home. And that place is an extension of heaven, right? That place
belongs to God. He's given you to steward it, you know, just like any other ambassador that would,
you know, in any other nation, you know, like, yeah, it's a little sovereign territory. And that
place is sovereign territory, period and story. And that you're, you know, and that's, that's
where he's given you to stay. And then that place, you know, we can, as a, as a friend of mine uses
the analogy, you have all these updates available for your phone, but you don't get them until you
download them, right? You have to actually grab them and download it. So you have an embassy there,
and it's up to us as to whether or not we're going to believe it and act as though
that's the truth. We're going to apprehend that truth and live in that way. So you don't need to
be, I mean, we all have aberrant dreams.
and stuff, but that place really can be, uh, an oasis.
It can be an embassy just like that.
Always this thing, the oasis, like the safe haven, you know?
Yeah.
Yes.
I received well, love you guys all have a good night and sleep really well.
I think we will.
I know we will actually
we're going to be all about a bad for the diffusers.
And we're going to break them out.
Actually, we just got a new bed last night that we've been praying for for
months because our, we brought into the marriage, the bed that I had, um,
because he was sleeping on a twin and his bachelor pad, you know, six years of it.
Yeah.
So he was single for six years before us and was sleeping on a twin mattress.
So anyways, we just got a bed after I was sleeping on my daughter's bed and moving
around, trying to find a comfortable bed for months, and it's just a blessing to
have a bed.
So now we're like, we're going to anoint our bed that we just got last night.
And perfect timing.
Yes.
And it's going to be good.
And we're going to rest this weekend, even in the midst of all the things,
you know, the swirl around.
So, and I appreciate you, you know, bringing the aspect of blessing, you
know, blessing the, the blessing, the witchcraft or the person that's operating
the person, you know, that that's the weapon.
And that when I feel like an urge to hate or anger towards what he's done, I can
just release him to God and say, God, I bless him.
And, you know, it's, it's not me that has to hold this, you know, grudge or, you
know, this protective over me and the girl.
So it's like extra because he's like, man, look at what he's done to you for seven
years and beyond, you know?
And so, yeah, just that level of, of releasing and blessing, you know, it
frees us to do that.
And then we don't have to receive his witchcraft and we don't have to internalize.
Yeah.
And I've, and I prayed into, I prayed to God, like asking, you know, what he thinks
of Sam and I just got back.
Like he said, God said, I want him back.
So I know he was saved when Libby first met him.
Um, and he still goes to church, but he's just like a wolf in sheep's clothes.
He's not operating under God's kingdom.
He's operating under his own.
He is his own, um, God basically, because he does what he needs to fulfill his, you
know, to feed his insecurities.
He's controlling other people and making himself higher than other people.
And, and so that's what I see him operating out of God, God wants him back.
And so I can't, you know, hold, I can't want bad things for him when that's not
what God wants, you know, and that's not a redemption story.
That's just a tragedy, you know?
Yeah.
I don't know.
It's cool that you were speaking redemption so much too, because I don't know if you
knew, but that was the word that God spoke over my life as my life theme and my ministry
was redemption and it was called redemptive beauty is the collective at least has been
the name.
I don't know if God's going to change that once he tells me to start something in the
future, if it's going to be the same or different.
But he's that the theme over my life and what I will write about and what my ministry
will be about is redemption.
So yeah, great redemption stories.
So I have to have my redemption story to be able to, you know, flow and whatever he
has for me to help other people find a redemption story, you know, him.
So, yeah, good.
Hey,
being vulnerable and sharing, and especially with some screen fall ahead of guy, you
don't know.
You're awesome, man.
We're so glad to know you.
So thankful again that God saw fit to bring y'all right at the exact right time.
Yeah, it's mind blowing because you don't come across people like y'all ever.
I mean, you could just go a lifetime and not know somebody close up that understands and
walks in what you do.
So just know your anointing and your authority and your power is very significant.
And I just see God blessing your ministry and your family.
You guys are going to have kids like you're going to be parents.
You're going to be amazing parents.
And you're going to have just this ministry of being mothers and fathers in the spirit
to so many people.
That's yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Have a good night and we will see y'all tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night.
All right.
Bye bye.
That's the end right there.
Cool.