I'm going to turn it over to Ashley.
I can see you but I can't see you.
It shows that you should be showing because it doesn't show your profile picture, but it's black, which is weird.
Maybe the cameras covered.
Um, no, I don't know. Let me see if I can figure this out.
Because it's acting like it's showing your video, but the screen's black.
See,
security, let me see if I
second.
Camera.
Let me go back here.
Um,
I can do it on my phone.
Let me see.
All of a sudden,
the sun is right at that spot. So let me
get this over.
Give myself some shade.
Okay.
Yes. Here, how about I'll try doing it on my phone. Okay.
All right.
Let me see if I can do that. Um,
because I don't know what's wrong with this camera.
I'm on a Google Chrome.
And I uploaded the app.
Okay.
I did that and it says, and I don't know why it's doing this.
This did this to me the last time I did a zoom and I thought it was
just because I didn't have the app.
And it has permission to view your camera or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah. So I tried this. No, it's not. Okay.
All right. So let me try this again. Hold on.
Sure.
Okay.
Let me see this.
Okay.
Okay. And let me see why that this is not.
I don't, I don't do zoom that often. So I apologize.
Yes, I can. Are you on your phone?
Oh, says you're muted.
Okay.
Let me figure out how to do.
Okay.
So it says you're muted again.
So if you touch the screen of your phone, you know,
the menu will pop up at the bottom.
Do the click the microphone to unmute yourself and then click the
video to show the video.
I mean, unless of course.
It doesn't have permission to.
Your camera.
Okay.
Hey.
All right. Hey.
You look, you and your daughter look so much alike.
Yeah, I look a lot younger without makeup on.
I don't know why I can't really hear that much.
Oh, and.
Are you hearing a lot of background from the cicadas?
No, it's just the volume sounds very low.
Okay.
I think it's going through my.
Got it.
I got it.
Oh, how are you?
I'm doing okay.
Yeah.
I'm doing okay.
How are you doing?
I'm doing good.
Ed and I are doing good.
We're and, uh, it, you know, it gives us a whole different, our whole relationship,
you know, at least as far as like dating engagement, marriage was just
at morningstar in the building.
So it's very, very different somewhere else.
Yeah.
My point is that it was just like, we only, we had developed a relationship
within a specific environment.
And now that we're out of that environment, it's just, it's like, uh, getting to
know different aspects of someone.
And so we're enjoying it.
It's special.
And I mean, we enjoyed what we had there as well, but my point is just
still, it was all the same thing.
And so this is just totally different.
Um, so yeah, we're enjoying it.
We're back here in on, um, back here, my hometown, um, at least where I
moved after I graduated from college.
And, um, so yeah, we're, but we're laying low.
We're just, we're just, um, quite honestly, we're, and I'm sure that
Ed's explained some of this to Caleb.
We're, we're just kind of spending a time and season of healing various
things and from a variety of things.
And, um, and, and it's been going really well.
The Lord has really gifted us with this time in the season.
So we're very grateful for that.
And, uh, we've just pulled away from basically all social activity.
Um, except my best friends that he now works for that we've rented
an apartment from, and then my family.
And that's the extent of our social life.
So really it's just focused on the two of us and on healing and anything
God wants to teach us these days.
And I'm taking it like a sabbatical for ministry as well as he is.
And, um, so it's just, I don't know, we're, we're enjoying
this time for what it is and we're looking forward to go.
And, um, so, but yeah, but thanks for asking.
So we're doing good.
Yeah.
So, um, so I guess, so probably one of the main reasons why I reached out is, um,
I feel like I get myself, um, so anxious with work.
And so I noticed that particularly over the last week and so much so that, um,
I get my, I don't know, I don't know how to stop.
I think that's what it is.
I get like, so for example, I'm listing a home and, um, I'm not
I'm picking everything apart over analyzing.
I get so invested with the people that I'm helping.
I want them to have the best there possibly is the best offer, the best scenario.
And when, you know, then I beat myself up saying like, Oh no, I, what
if I, what if I didn't do good enough?
What if, and maybe they're, they're happy, but I'm still, I can't not
being able to come to peace with it.
Like, uh, recently we had, uh, I listed a home, there was multiple
offers and then I, it's like, I just couldn't stop.
I couldn't be joyful that that happened because I was so worried that maybe what
if I should have let the listing go longer?
What if I should have allowed more tours?
What if they could have gotten something more?
We, um, I advise them to do a different offer and what if really they should
have taken that one and then I caused them to not get as much money.
Does that make sense?
So, and then it's like the sickening feeling inside of my guts, like of
anxiety, uh, like, like then I'm feeling condemnation, like I'm a bad person.
And I've just noticed that with, um, like, I think it's because I just
want for people to succeed so much.
And I just take all this on.
I've had to say, Angela, you're not the savior.
Um, and I just, I just don't want it to rob my joy.
I think it's just like, like I'm trying to, like, I enjoy what I do and I want to
help my, um, I want to help out financially in our home because it does help.
Um, but it's just, um, I don't want to be somebody that I'm always anxious.
And then I have other personal things besides work, probably from past trauma
that, that I feel like, you know, I, I don't feel like I'm living in rest.
Let me just say that.
Yeah.
And so, um, it was like this week, I never really pray like this.
And I just said to the Lord, I was like, you know, I just want to live in a place
of rest and I'm just sitting there thinking, I don't know how to do that.
Um, I just don't know how.
And so, um, because, and then at the same time, you know, I know that I've seen
some people that just.
you know, it's like, then I get worried, like, Oh my gosh, what if I stay in a place to rest?
Am I going to lose my slight edge where I'm not like giving people five star service? You know,
that kind of a thing. Um, so, but I just, I just feel like over the last past week,
I just like, maybe I came under some spiritual warfare, some attack at a situation where
we had put in an offer deadline. And then this guy comes in and weasels his way in to get another
showing. And it was like, Caleb heard him on the phone. He's like, this is very manipulative.
And I, and I felt in, you know, I think maybe that could have been an attack from the enemy
because then it was like, when that came in, that's when I noticed this straight up anxiety,
like second guessing all of that. Um, so anyways, I, I was talking to Caleb yesterday and I hadn't
even, I wasn't thinking of you. And then as I'm talking and I'm saying, Caleb, I just really want
to get to a place where I'm just living in rest. I don't want to be so heavy. Like it's a heavy
feeling that I've been feeling heavy. And, um, I kind of came a little bit, I've it's lightened up
after I talked to my mom the other day and I was just like trying to make my mom was like, I
believe this was spiritual warfare. I believe you made the right decision. You didn't do anything
wrong, but it's like this feeling of, I did something wrong and I didn't do anything wrong.
And so, and I know that it's so after I talked to her about it being spiritual warfare, I started
feeling better. Um, but then I'm trying to then daily I'm, I'm still at a point where I'm like
feeling this, uh, nauseous feelings, uh, of anxiety. And I've dealt with this for a long time,
not just in this area, but I've dealt with it. And, you know, I think some of it happened
through some past trauma. Um, just, uh, even like driving my car, sometimes I can just feel
super anxious. So I, something happened in years ago and, um, I have thought to have that feeling
of just peace for a long time. And I just don't know how to do it. Um, no, I would say not every
moment. Do I feel anxious? There's a lot of times I really feel nothing. And I know that some sessions
that is peace. You know what I mean? I don't think, I don't guess it's just certain situations
trigger. Does that make sense? So it's not like I'm just sitting majority of the time, not, not
until the recent event or work. And that was also something, something happened last year that was
absolutely terrible with work and that could happen the same time. And so I think that also
triggered something as well as something traumatic. And so, so just anyhow, um, that's kind of why I
reached out. Um, it was like, as I'm selling Caleb, I just want to live in rest. I don't want
to always be anxious. I hate this feeling. I don't want to always be second guessing myself. Like,
did I do something wrong? Could I have done this better? It's like these rehashing thoughts. And,
um, and as I'm saying that, I just, all of a sudden I like hear your name. I just said, Oh,
Ashley. And then that's where I reached out. So well, is there before I dive in, is there anything
else that you want to tell me anything else? I mean, for one thing, I really commend you for
jumping right in and just being vulnerable and just saying, this is literally how I'm feeling.
This is literally the experience that I'm having from these triggers or from these, you know,
from these past traumas or whatever, because then that allow, because what that's doing
is you're presenting yourself vulnerability, vulnerably before the Lord for him to actually
be able to do something as opposed to simply being transparent and being honest and like, Hey,
this is, this is what's going on. I'm just being honest about it. Very different from vulnerability
because God can only work with vulnerability because vulnerability is, is actually giving
is at starting to actually give it to him, presenting it to him. So that's great. But
is there, you know, I always like to make sure that people, you know, tell me everything it is
that's like coming up that they feel like, Oh, I feel that this is important. Yeah.
Um, I feel like I noticed a difference, um, years ago. I, and I think this is why that I,
this is where that I noticed such a change was back in, um, Let's see. It was around
2014 ish around that time. I used to work at the Ballantyne resort and I was a manager
and I was in front of a large group of people presenting an award. And I was standing right
next to the guy who founded Ballantyne and developed a Ballantyne. And, uh, we were at,
it was a big crowd of all the managers at the hotel and all this kind of stuff. So it's kind
of like a big thing. And I'm pregnant, 25 weeks pregnant, and I just was winging it. I didn't
have any notes and I was supposed to.
who one of my friends was another manager and she was supposed, she was out of town.
And so she asked me to get up there and present her, her associates.
And I was presenting mine.
It's called, it's like this, an award and I'm up there.
And all of a sudden I can't remember what to say.
And I'm about to freak, I eat the panic.
And so I grabbed somebody's arm and it's like this thing of like, I
don't know what else to say next.
And it was like, like a freeze, a brain freeze type thing.
And, um, I thought I was, I didn't know what's going to happen to me.
I didn't know if it's going to pass out.
And so I felt straight up out of control and it freaked me out.
And after that, I started worrying about things.
I started thinking, so then, uh, so then I, I, I grabbed the guy's arm next to me
and I say, oh my gosh, I thought it was going to pass out.
And then it was kind of like, I snap out of it.
I'm able to finish.
I said, I think maybe something's wrong with my blood pressure and
then I'm able to finish everything.
But after that happened, I, it was like some, a sense of, I felt out of control.
I just felt like I did not feel in control in that situation.
And so it carried over into some other issues, some other ways.
And I remember one day I was some of the same people that were in that room.
I was at a traffic light and here comes the enemy comes in and says,
what if you do the same thing?
What if you can't remember what to do next?
And then I just started making me feel nervous every time I
would go to a traffic light.
What if you just freeze?
So it's like things like that, like never did I have an issue before
and never felt nervous about driving.
I mean, it's not like I would send people love driving.
I, it was always fine to me, but I never felt like a panic like that.
Does it, you know what I'm saying?
Or that like, I'm approaching a traffic light and I'm like feeling like anxiety,
you know, and I guess it was like similar to like public speaking anxiety.
Yeah.
Like, are you going to be okay?
And I'm like trying to do like breathing exercises.
And so, so that's when I remember that happened.
Another thing that happened in 2016, I miscarried two times.
I felt totally out of control the second time.
And I literally, I was, we saw a heartbeat.
Uh, I had no, it was just one of those things.
I had no idea that this was going to happen.
I did, I was spotting a little bit because the ultrasound was good.
Everybody's like, oh, you're probably fine.
You're probably just in fear.
And then it was about, I was about 13 weeks pregnant.
Here I am.
I have contractions.
The baby is aborted by the, by my body.
Not that I had an abortion, but it was like, I think that's what they call it.
It's like, you just, the baby just comes out.
And so, uh, so I bled so much.
I had to get a blood transfusion.
It was just traumatic.
So at that point I dealt with a lot of shame.
I dealt with a lot of, I felt so anxious.
I was on a mission to find out what in the world is wrong with me.
Because I felt it was crazy.
I felt a lot of shame from it.
So, um, so I started diving into things.
I went and, you know, I was on a hunt, you know, like I will never, I never
want to experience this in my life because I felt out of control.
And so, cause it was like, I felt like I had no control.
Uh, it just happened.
I was doing nothing wrong and it just happened.
And so, uh, and then something without going into a lot of details, something
happened between Caleb and I and our marriage and I felt out of control.
And all of this happened around the same time.
And so I, at that point I started dealing with a lot of anxiety.
Um, and then I, I mean, I literally did, it was, I felt like a different person.
Um, I could have, I could have been going through some postpartum depression.
I could have, some of that could have been a part of it.
Um, I went and had my thyroid checked.
They told me that like I was high normal.
And if I wanted to get pregnant, they would recommend
me being on thyroid medication.
So I got on the medication and then I got so terrified to be on a medication.
So I was on it, got off of it, got on and got off of it.
And my body felt really weird after that.
So I just remember during that timeframe, I did not feel like Angela.
Angela liked to go shopping.
I like to be around people.
I was so afraid to even leave my house for some time.
So I went that I have come leaps and bounds from then, but I'm just
saying there's still some residue.
Does that make sense?
Um, I, I mean, I have come leaps and bounds, but I'm saying
they're like, I'm not the same person.
The Lord did a lot of good things.
I, you know, I had a rape, had the rainbow baby with Mia.
You know, I, there's just, so, and then I had another baby and then I.
I am on thyroid medication, uh, right now.
And, uh, but I still do, I still deal with some anxiety.
Um, it's not to that level.
I I'm able to do normal things, but I still, when I get in my car,
sometimes I do still feel anxious.
It's, uh, I'm not allowing it to stop me from doing anything, but, but I still do.
And so, um, last summer, the most recent I had the most terrible thing
happened with, uh, friends that I had known for years ago, the market, uh,
the market had a reset, their home set on the market and never, it didn't, they
just took it off because they were scared.
I felt a loads of pressure from, from her husband.
He was pretty mean to me.
Um, I felt terrible.
I felt like there, I felt like there was something wrong in the
whole situation with the home.
And I felt like somebody had told me some information.
And so it just all crashed.
All of it did.
I lost, I would have made a lot of money and I just, I couldn't get past it.
I felt zero peace the whole time.
Uh, so, um, so I think this happened the same time last year.
So I think probably this, uh, the timing and all this is why that I'm kind of
dealing with some of these kind of like dealing, cause I kind of took a break
after all that, after that happened last year, I almost just quit.
So, um, so, uh, there was just, there was so much, uh, there was just so much.
I felt so conflicted, you know, I don't know.
And I, and I do think I, I think I can pick up on things and, and, and I, and I,
maybe I just don't know how to, how to discern, you know, like some, like, I
think maybe if I feel like there's something that's not right, and maybe
that's what it was, maybe it just wasn't right.
Um, or maybe I just was so concerned for them, but I could, I felt zero peace for
a month, I just wasn't even eating.
Uh, so anyways, anyways, all of that went, all that went, they ended up deciding
that they weren't going to buy that house because their house didn't sell.
And so then I felt guilty and they lost money on their earnest, a lot of money
on their earnest money deposit, but that was their choice.
So, um, long story short, that was a long time ago.
Those last year, I think that was a trigger.
This, this new listing is a trigger.
Cause I'm friends with these people, totally different scenario,
this totally different scenario.
They are not unhappy with me.
They're happy.
But I think I just, that heaviness, I felt that heaviness this past week,
feeling conflicted about them, about their decisions.
So anyways, I hope that all this helps.
I've told you a million things.
Um, but that's where that I'm at.
I, I just, I don't, I don't want to get in my car every day and be like,
remember being triggered by things.
And I also don't, um, I also don't want to like lose joy and not be present
with my family because I'm so worried about my job and it's not that
anybody is really putting that on me.
I think I just put it on myself cause I want, I want to do such a good job.
So, um, I think I get so involved with people that, um, cause, um, uh,
real estate is so emotional because it's like somebody's dream to own a house.
And so, and this is their personal money.
It's not a corporation you're talking about mom and dad that have been saving up.
And so I just feel so heavy to like, make sure that they get the best they can.
So I don't want to, I don't want to live like that.
Um, because we'll live in that kind of, uh, constant heavy feeling.
So, um, so that's why my prayer recently was how do I rest?
I don't know how to rest.
I read the scriptures about his yoke is easy.
It's burned as light.
I say the scripture.
Do I feel that way?
No.
I'm like, okay, God, I'm giving this to you.
Do I still feel heavy?
Yeah.
Um, so sometimes for me, it's like, I felt the least heavy when maybe
I've talked to like my mom and just kind of told her the story.
And maybe she said like, there's nothing wrong with you.
You're okay.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Maybe I'm just feeling like I need that reassurance that I'm okay.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Anyways, I'll stop talking.
No, all of that's really helpful.
And I don't know why my computer.
Oh, come on.
Something.
There we go.
Now I can see that.
Okay.
Um, uh, by the way, I do have to, um, in six minutes, I have to go take the
medication I have to take every hour on the hour, so I'm sorry that I'll have
to interrupt and be gone for like 90 seconds or 90 seconds.
Um, but, um, uh, but no, all of that's very helpful.
So the thing is that what you're talking about is just very, I don't know.
It's very, um, uh, classic normal, um, state that most of us Christians are in.
Especially in this generation, but really it's been going on, you know, for obviously thousands of years. And that's that feeling that that belief that, you know, it's just like Adam and Eve struggled with that.
We're responsible for the outcome.
We're really not, and we and we can say that, but we look at scripture and we think that scripture is saying the opposite. We think that scripture is holding us that that it's saying that God is holding us accountable for everything that we're that we're
accountable for how things, how things work out, because if they don't work out well then you know I told you so I told you how to handle this right I told you the things to do in order to get the results, etc.
And so we think by what we interpret scripture in such a way that we think that God is holding us accountable for the outcome and that creates anxiety, because that is, it's basically self sabotaging it's turning in on ourselves and thinking that anything
could go that.
How do I put that, that if something goes wrong.
Either you froze.
Ashley.
Okay.
Hey, I don't know.
Hey, I don't know what happened that you're you froze up.
Second, let me.
I can see you now.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right, so I'm going to.
It looks like maybe something's wrong, my Wi Fi or that it's really low and so I'm switching to my phone so I can use cellular.
Okay, sounds good.
Can you hear me okay. Yeah, I can. Okay.
Turn that back. Okay.
So, and then there was something else I was gonna say oh yeah the whole discernment thing I think that you really hit the nail on the head because you said you know you don't know if maybe you are not.
If you're taking this something that God is just gifting you to discern, and you're actually turning it in on yourself. You're thinking, Oh, there's something wrong, I'm the thing that's wrong God is trying to direct me different or whatever.
And that honestly comes from, from a foundation, basically, or a, you know, years old, like it's been like from our childhood belief system that we're responsible for everything we're responsible for ourselves we're responsible for everyone else
around us we're responsible what happens to them responsible what happens to us if we're anywhere near it. We're responsible.
Yeah, and it sounds horrid. I mean it sounds it sounds. It sounds like idiotic, and yet that is really what we believe and how do we know that because that's what we do.
We act on it. And so we all know different, but we can say all we want that we know something, and that or that we believe something but if we're not acting like it but it means we don't really believe it.
It means that we just know we should.
Yeah, so, because we always act on what we believe no exception.
Like zero exception, we always act on what we believe. So that's, that's one of the things, sorry I'm having some technical difficulties I had tried to get this, oh maybe I could maybe I could set it up like this.
Let's see if this will work.
Setting it up on my computer see if I can use my computer as a stand. Okay.
Works great.
This next time I have some issues.
And that.
Anyway, so before I go on to any of that makes sense I feel like I'm kind of like diving into the deep end here, but we only have you know so much time so I wanted to make sure to kind of like lace and like general groundwork before I start giving you like some things
that you can actually.
stuff in, but normally what I do is there's a, in order to get,
like, for instance, in my program, which is honestly the
most effective thing, um, because is because it immerses
people in like a, a, uh, an environment like with, with me
and with this other community in which this foundation is being
laid so that they own the new belief for themselves. They were
like, Oh no, my God really is like that to me. This is what he
says, or this is what he does or whatever, as opposed to, Oh,
that's something I heard. I like it. It sounded logical. I can see
that now in the Bible. I should shift my belief. That's a lot of
work and it doesn't work quite honestly. And how do we know
that? Because we've been to church and Bible studies and,
you know, conferences our whole lives, and we haven't changed
and transformed to the degree that we should for the amount of
information we've been exposed to. So that learning doesn't,
doesn't do it because we're simply knowing something, but
we're not getting to, to, we're, we're not, we, it actually, in
order for it to be faith requires not an action, what
would I put that? It requires our participation. We actually
have to choose that it's true. Um, in order for something to be
like, in other words, it's an actual act of our will in order
for something to be faith. So faith actually requires an
intentional act of our will that we engage with that truth. And
we choose that it's our reality, as opposed to expecting that
somehow we'll be convinced or our feelings, or because I
learned something that I'll, I'll act different. And if I
just remember and just start doing actions as if I believe
that, well, it'll, if that will somehow be faith, or I'll
eventually over time convince myself and it doesn't happen. We
actually have to make a willful choice that it's true, in order
for it to be faith. It, faith never just happens. And so
anyway, that there was something I was about to, I was about to
point out that, um, but anyway, so that whole thing about outcome
of like, well, what is going to happen? What's going to happen
to the house? How are they going to how are these people going to
interact? You know, treat me? How are they going to think
about me? Are they going to? Am I doing enough? Even that? What
is going to be the outcome of all of my actions, regardless of
the market, regardless of whether the house sells? Did I
do everything? All of those things in order to be in rest,
we have to let go of, including all the results of our
participation, we have to let go of everything. And so let go is
kind of confusing to people, because we only usually interact
with letting go of something in one or two ways. We either either
think it's giving up, or it's giving in. And it's neither one
of those. The problem with giving up, like in other words,
okay, well, I'll just let go, I'll let go of the outcome of
whether or not the house sells, which, you know, you voice the
concern of like, well, does that mean then, that I'm no longer
going to give five star service? So what all you do is, well,
that I'm sorry, I'm trying to trying to like stay on one track
and not going a little bunny trail there. So hopefully, I
remember to go back to that in a second. But we we typically
think, Oh, my goodness, you know, what if, if I don't, if I
let go, then I'm not going to put in all of my effort, because
we think that letting go is like giving up. And it's not that's
the kind of like a, what I refer to as the defeatist attitude.
It's no longer it's not thinking and believing that we are who
God says that we are. God says that we are kings, he says that
we're priests, we says that we are to rule creation. And that
laws are supposed to respond to us, including the market,
including the economy, you know, whatever, it doesn't mean that
we control the outcome. But what it means is that the laws that
are under us, not over us, and they're not equal to us. We're
not down here fighting a battle all the time. In fact, we're not
fighting a battle. In simplistic terms, we're not
fighting a battle, period. We're above all this spiritual
warfare, we're above Satan, we're above the angels, it's not
even a fight, because God already won it. We're one in
Christ. And so if he if all power and authority has been
given to him, and everything's been put under his feet, except
the Bible says God the Father, and we're in Christ, it
literally means everything in existence, except God, the
Father, is under our feet. Now, obviously not Christ, because
we're one with him and
he's the head. So literally, even spiritual laws, Satan, what
he can throw at us, all of that has already been decided, and
dealt with. And we can now operate from that place. So
anyway, it's when it to give up is this is this defeatist
attitude or posture of, oh, you know, there, I'm nothing, I'm
defeated. So I'm just going to give up, you know, okay, well,
let the outcome be what it is, you know, I can't help it. I'm
out of control, from a defeatist posture. In other words, it
feels heavy. So that's not what letting go is letting go is
also not giving in. The thing about giving in is that makes it
different from giving up is giving in means we're taking on
the lie that the situation is tempting us to believe about
ourselves or about God. And so we're giving into it like, okay,
well, you know, I guess that I'm really not who God says that I
am in a bit different from the whole giving up thing. But
we're, we're taking on the the temptation and the, and the lie
that the situation is tempting us attempting us to believe. So
letting go is simply God, you don't hold me responsible for
the outcome of my actions. That is something we do not
understand. We thought, if I'm involved, if I act, God holds me
responsible for what those actions cause. And if those that
that that doesn't make any sense, because we can't control
outcomes. We can control what we do, but we can't control the
outcome. And we know that in our heads, but emotionally and
spiritually, we have actually believed that God held us
accountable for the outcome. We act like it, we act like we're
bad, and wrong. And we self guess, and we doubt ourself
based off of either the action, or a possible or sorry, the
outcome or the possible outcome. In other words, the potential
outcome. In other words, a fear of, or worry of what might
happen, even if it hasn't happened yet. Oh, what if it
happens, or whatever. And God doesn't hold us responsible for
any of those things. And he actually holds himself
responsible for the outcome, he determines the outcome, it's
completely outside of our control. And that's why you feel
that it's out of your control. Because it really is. The
difference is, it's out of our control. But we think we're held
responsible for it anyway. And we're not. We're really truly
not. Now telling ourselves all of this isn't going to change
anything. It really doesn't. We actually have to choose that
it's true. And here's why that's scary. You really do have
to then let just take the journey of doing the actions
with the Lord, you know, doing everything that you know to do
for a health, you know, praying the Lord about it, discerning
things, making, you know, your best, your best and wisest
decisions based off of what it is that you know, the gifts that
God's given you the discernment that gives you in your spirit,
you know, all this stuff. But your responsibility and the
thing that God holds you accountable for is only you
journey through the process and developing your relationship
with him. That's the whole reason why you're realtor. The
whole reason why you're realtor from the Lord's perspective is
not for other people. That's a side benefit. It's not for
making something happen. It's not for conquering the world and
proving that you know, God really did give us dominion or
anything. You're simply journeying through life. And you
being a realtor gives you a structure for how you uniquely
are developing your relationship with the Lord, you're developing
your relationship with the Lord in the context of going through
the structure of how the how real estate world works. Well,
you know, you do these things and you help people with, you
know, get get and I don't know, I think you help people get
like, I don't I've never bought a house. So thank you help
people like with mortgages, and then in loans, and and then, and
all of that stuff. You do all of this stuff. But that's simply a
structure for you and the Lord that gives direction for how you
and the Lord are uniquely developing your relationship.
Me, it's doing totally different things. It was in business for a
while. And now it's it's still in business. But it's like a
business slash ministry thing. You know, and it now it's in a
marriage and it used to be while being single. All of
those things are simply give us direction for the development of
our relationship with the Lord. And here's how we know that
that's what God holds us accountable to God created us
before
He created the world.
We weren't created when, you know,
our parents came together and we were conceived.
That's not when we were,
that's not when our existence came into being.
Says in Ephesians 1, 4, that God chose us in him
before the creation of the world.
So in other words, he looked inside himself
and that's where he found us.
And then it says in John,
where Jesus was talking to Nicodemus,
he said, that which is born of flesh, it's flesh.
That which is born of spirit is spirit.
So if it's spirit,
he said it had to have been born of spirit.
So we have a spirit, you know, spirit, soul, and body.
And that spirit was born of spirit.
It was born of God.
That's the only way it can exist.
It's, he said, flesh is born of flesh
and spirit is born of spirit.
And God said in Ephesians 1, 4,
God chose us in him before the creation of the world.
That spirit existed.
You know, and I'm not saying whether or not
we were conscious of it and all of that.
I'm not getting to all of that theology.
My point is that God, and just like God told Jeremiah,
he knew us, you know.
And so the whole point of our existence apparently
is not creation and how we interact with it.
It's not marriage and how we raise our kids
and if we do a good job and then whether,
and then what work we do and how successful we are at that
and whether we did this whole Christianity thing right,
that we evangelized enough people that we would ever.
That's not the point because our whole point of existence
was actually relationship because God created us,
you know, as the spirit being to be able to relate with him.
And then later, and who knows how much longer that was,
later he created the world.
And then eventually, you know, he decided,
okay, well, she's gonna be born for me.
It was like 1984.
That's when she's gonna be born, you know.
And that's when she gets to have a physical experience.
And the whole point of the physical is simply to express
who we in God are together in the spirit
and express it in a physical form.
We're not, and this is very simple.
I'm expressing this simply
because there's a little more to it,
but I'm expressing this simply,
that we're down here, we're not creating things.
We are, but not really.
Where we do create things is in the spirit realm
and we bring it down.
So things, and when I say create it,
meaning like God creates it, we partner with him, whatever.
I'm not saying that we're gods out there
and we're getting to create things.
That's not what I mean.
I mean, and the fact that God talks about us
being co-creators with him.
All of that's happening in the spirit.
We're translating it to appear in the physical.
So the whole point is not the physical realm.
The whole point is the spiritual realm.
The whole point is the development of your relationship.
So the physical experience that we have,
like say, for instance, your real estate
and interacting with other people and helping them buy
and sell homes and all of that,
is simply just a structure through which you are expressing
who you and God currently are,
how you're currently relating to him,
how well you know him and what you know about him.
Not about him, but meaning like what you know of him
from personal relationship.
You will be living out what you know God to be
because you know him.
Not that you went and you learned about him
and then you go and you try to execute
and just try to remember, oh, that's who he is.
No, God, this is what you and I are doing.
We are interacting with this family.
We are selling this home.
We are filling out this paperwork.
It's all about the development
of your relationship with the Lord.
That's the entire point, not a part of it.
It's literally the whole point.
So you're not responsible for what happens
as a result of all of those actions.
God's just like, hey, you and I,
we're developing our relationship.
How do we wanna do it today?
Well, you know, Angela, I am bringing this couple to you
and they wanna sell their home
and then I'm bringing this other couple to you
and they wanna buy a home.
And so you and I are going to develop our relationship
through what happens when we interact with this family.
And it's going to bring things up in you
that are gonna challenge what it is
that you believe about me.
And so you and I are gonna work through that
because I'm gonna continually release you
into more freedom from all of the oppression
that you're feeling, from all the anxiety,
from all of the fear, all of that, you know,
or, you know, I'm going to...
give you gifts, I'm gonna give you abundance,
I'm gonna shower love on you in a way
that you understand it or whatever.
That's the whole point,
not the buying and the selling of homes,
evangelizing and being a good Christian testimony
even to these people.
That is going to be a natural byproduct.
So all of those commandments in the New Testament
are descriptions of who we are
when we're operating with our eyes completely on the Lord,
only focused on the development
of our relationship with Him.
Because all of those commandments are God's descriptions
of who we are as sons of God.
We're not developing into those in our spirit.
What we are developing and what we're learning
is how do we bring who it is that we are in spirit,
like how do we come into further faith and agreement
that that's really who we are
so that it finally shows up in the physical.
That's why we see change.
It's not that you weren't already like that,
it's that your physical wasn't expressing
who you already are.
You already have all those gifts of the spirit,
you're not gaining them.
What we're learning though is how to let them out
into this realm,
how to get our soul and our body to actually believe it
so we actually express love,
so we express patience,
so we express joy.
You already have those things,
you don't have to gain them.
So when we realize that we really are a new creation,
it changes everything.
It changes how we show up to all of these appointments,
how you show up for yourself,
that you're not lacking,
you're just simply developing your relationship
more and more with the Lord
so that your soul and your body
come more into agreement with the fact
that you already are the thing
so that they'll finally start acting like it.
So just because you don't believe something about yourself
doesn't mean it's not true.
It just means because you don't believe it,
you don't get the benefit of experiencing it.
If you don't believe that you have joy,
if you don't believe that God's already given it to you
and whatever, then you're not gonna feel it
and you're not going to express it.
But the more that we believe that we are that thing,
the more that it's actually gonna show up.
It's very counterintuitive
because we think we're so used to the world
or experiences proving to us joy, love, patience, whatever,
that I have these things,
that I got these things,
that I've earned these things,
that I've worked hard for these things,
that I've endured long enough, whatever.
And that's actually the opposite.
We choose that it's true before there's any proof
and then that will prove it.
You choosing that that's who you are,
you'll suddenly start acting and feeling joyful.
You'll suddenly start feeling that love
because you're that powerful.
I don't mean like this God or anything like that.
I'm talking about the power that we have
simply because we're united with Christ.
It's not a power that we have on our own.
It's power that we're only allowed to wield
with while being unified with Christ.
And it's his power that's moving through us.
But you're that powerful and you've been given that authority
to choose and declare that something
that God has already said about you is true,
actually is true.
And when you come into agreement with it, it shows that.
Anyway, I have actually like talked a lot
about some very heavy things.
I'm just trying so hard to like mention,
oh my goodness, they're like,
if I can just hit all of these highlights, you know,
but it really is, it really is a lot.
And let me, so I hope I'm not overwhelming you
or you're just kind of like, oh my goodness,
I don't understand anything you're saying
simply because you're giving me too much.
Let me take my medication really quick.
And then when I come back, you let me know
your thoughts or any questions.
And then before we go,
I can give you some like practical things
that you can do to start that will help you
like start stepping into less anxiety,
more choosing more faith that you are who God says you are,
et cetera, so.
Thank you.
you
all right sorry about that it takes a while because it's like this
my mom calls it my potion i like to mix all of these things together but anyway
um okay so you were asking about any questions is that right yeah or any thoughts um you know uh
once i get going sometimes and just like oh my and then i stop and realize i gave them entirely
too much they probably didn't understand you know so much of what i said simply because it's like
it it's um it's a it's it's approaching life from a completely different perspective
and at least it undermines the way i grew up completely undermines it and i can you know
think oh that sounds great all i want and that sounds freeing all i want but the other is so
ingrained in me and that's where the anxiety comes in and so but anyway yeah yeah so i think for me
i've always thought that um sorry and let me make sure i'm understanding you um
so for example that situation that happened to me where i was in front of those people
and afro and so i thought well maybe if i would have had notes in front of me and i would have
been prepared then maybe i could have prevented some of that from happening because i just froze
up i didn't have anything to look at or i would have done this better um so and so what if i would
have done this and this um
Kind of like, well, if you get up earlier, you're more prepared or you are in the head,
you know, you can have a better.
However, I do know that there's scenarios that works.
And then I do know that there's scenarios like when I miscarried, or when I had things
when my marriage happened, I did not, I was doing nothing wrong.
So I think that that's, that was a hard place for me is because I couldn't just say, here's
the formula.
You get up, you go to the gym, you eat healthy, your body's going to look like this.
I'm just giving an example of exercise and working out, you're going to notice when it
came to something that happened with me losing that baby, I was healthy, I was taking the
vitamins, I was doing all the things.
Correct.
Later on, that perhaps maybe thyroid could have been an issue, I should have been taking
some kind of medication, whatever.
So but I think I've always just looked for, well, if I if I do this, and I do that, it'll
be this.
So and it's hard for me to it's hard for me to wrap my mind around thinking not having
can that I can't control.
Because in some ways, and in some ways, I know that I can't, does that make sense?
So it depends on what it's like, I'm going to get someplace early, well, then do this
outcome is just that's just what it is.
Because I overslept, I needed to go to earlier, it's late, I close out situations, you know,
when it comes to like relationships, I can't control some of that I know that I can't control
when it comes with people or situations, I can't make somebody you can't make someone
love you, you can't make somebody do.
So anyways, it's hard.
I'm just trying to I'm trying to understand, are you saying that, you know, no outcome,
you can't, you know, you're not really all outcomes.
So Lord, yeah.
What are you?
Um, you just, you're not going to be able to be in control.
But there's some simple things that I feel like, sure, you could be in control of that.
Because, I mean, all you should do is plan better.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Yes, correct.
Let me turn this off, so it'll stop beeping at me.
Okay, missed my alarm.
Um, okay, so I'm glad you are bringing us back to that.
So let me go to something that I again, I'm just trying to hit a highlight, but my goodness,
my, my program is six weeks.
And that's just the foundation, and then I have another six weeks, I guess, into advancement.
So I was trying to hit all some just highlights that I thought would be helpful, but we passed
over a very significant one that I talked about.
In the Bible study, in your Bible study, but it was a year ago, and, you know, I wouldn't
remember anything.
But it is about the difference between the way that I sometimes refer to it as operating
in according to the tree of life versus the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
And so the difference between the two, or really the tree of the tree of the knowledge
of good and evil versus every other tree in the garden, because remember, that was the
difference.
It wasn't between the tree of life and the tree of knowledge, good and evil.
It was between God said, you can eat of any tree in the garden, just not the one in the
middle.
And the thing is that the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you know, when you look
through what Satan was tempting Eve with it, that hey, God is holding out on you, you actually
can control things, if you know things.
So it's your knowledge that saves you.
So say, for instance, that you had and so that we get tempted in that for in daily situations,
like for instance, which you did with the award ceremony, you're like, if you condemn
ourselves by what we know, or by what we don't, like if someone had put you up there, it hadn't
prepared you.
And you had messed up, like, you know, when it prepared you for any kind of presentation.
And so you messed up, well, you messed up.
And you didn't know things.
That's why you messed up.
Or you do know them.
And you either do them, and it doesn't work, or you do them, or you don't do them.
And you're condemned because you knew better.
Yeah, they're the that's the problem with the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
is it's the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
It's not the tree of it's not the tree of good and evil.
It's the tree of the knowledge of it.
The problem is that we have a tendency to want to rely
on our knowledge of a thing in order to be able to decide which one we want to do so we can control the outcome.
So if I know what's good, and I know what's evil. I know which things I want to, I can choose to interact with and, and agree with and act on in order to, in order to try to control my future.
In order to be able to predict it. We know that there's still risk that we think that the risk is lower, I can try to control it whereas operating, you know, according to our relationship with the Lord where the Lord's like no I want you to rely on me for everything.
I want you to completely submit yourself to me, where I control the outcome of everything that happens, of all of your actions, whatever and I don't mean that God is being mean to us if we like to do all of this Stephanie causes, and he causes something bad to happen.
I'm not talking about any kind of weird theology like that. I'm saying that we release the responsibility the consequences of the outcome to him.
We were we released to him to protect us and to provide for us regardless of the outcome, because that's what we do with outcomes that's why outcomes are important.
What's it going to do to me.
What does that outcome mean.
Am I going to be protected to someone else going to be protected are we going to be provided for you know are we going to be safe, are we going to be loved, are we going to be whatever it's what the outcome means.
That's why we're releasing outcomes the Lord Lord, regardless of the outcome, that's going to happen, whether Lord, the Lord causes that Satan causes that which is probably very few things, you know, ratio wise, or just simply the wages of sin operating
in creation, that's in, that's in chaos right now.
Lord, you're going to always protect me and provide for me regardless of the outcome, regardless of how it affects me.
Even if I experienced pain Lord, you're still providing for me, you're still protecting me the pain does not equal. The fact does not equal your abandonment of me.
It's a completely different perspective as opposed to, I don't want to experience pain. So therefore, I want to control it myself.
I want to try to control it so I'm going to learn everything I can. But the problem with that there's nothing wrong with learning, the problem is relying on that knowledge, relying on ourselves.
And that's where strife comes in, and sweat, and tears and all of that you know that he said, and the ground was now cursed, and that Adam was now going to have to, you know, and I was going to have to harvest everything by the sweat of his brow,
that's what they chose, they chose. I want to try to control everything.
But not relying on your knowledge to create the outcome, or relying on your knowledge to protect your provide for you, but relying on me instead.
That's the difference that this that's why this is rest, and this is sweat and strife, this only came after the fall, this did not exist before the fall at all.
And that only happened because they chose instead of rest, my goodness, I don't know if you can hear it there's dogfight over there. And instead of rest Lord.
I wanted to, you know, I'm believing you know you're holding out on, you know, and, and, and I want to be able to control whether or not how do I want to provide for myself, well I think money will provide for me I think a relationship will provide
for me in this way will then they'll react like this towards me, which will make me feel better about myself.
So, we're trying to control it over here that's a lot of sweat and the problem with that is we only get.
It means that we're earning something, and that means that all we can get as a result is what we work for.
No gift from God from this tree. None, because God's like no my guests are free so if you work for him, it's no longer free and you can't get it.
You can all in this world and over here you know and working for everything and trying to determine the outcome and trying to, and always getting on to ourselves, like, like for instance like what you're talking about that self talk of like, oh my word, if I had only.
You are always to blame for in response.
for and can control, um, you know, what, what happened like,
Oh, well, I should have done something different and I've had
to learn. No, no, just because I did this doesn't mean that God
is not still protecting me and providing for me in this
situation. It just means that I didn't do it. And it may have
had an, it may have had an effect on the outcome. Doesn't
guarantee that did, you might've had notes in supras, you know,
people do that all the time. Right. So, but we keep thinking,
how could I have protected myself from this situation? And
God's like, no, give up protecting yourself from every
situation, you know? Um, anyway, I'm sorry. There is that there
is an awful lot and it falls very short in this one hour.
Yeah. Yeah. I think my biggest things that I've had to do there
is if I could sum it up in a couple sentences, after some of
those occurrences happened, my big question became what's wrong
with me? Yeah, that's exactly it. That's the foundation. Yeah.
Gotta be something wrong. That doesn't seem all that I would
freeze up. So then I went into this thing. Is there my health?
Is there something wrong with me? There's something wrong. Um,
I've never experienced this. There's got to be it. Where's
the cause? Where's the effect? What is causing me or, and I'm
just not good enough. So those are the, um, so because I'm not
good enough, how do I, you know, so, so that's, I think those
have been the, what is wrong with me has probably been the
number one thing for a long time. After that happened, that
became my thing. What is wrong with me? Yeah. When, which thing
happens? Uh, all those occurrences. Cause you know,
that's from childhood back when I froze up when I froze up in
front of this group of people. And then I was terrified to
speak in front of people after that. That was kind of the
thing. I was like, Oh my gosh, I had a friend that got married
and I was like thinking, I'm not even going to do a speech, you
know, that kind of thing. Like I said, I've come a long way
because I mean, at least I got, I've gotten to a point where I
was leading, I'm leading, have been able to lead a Bible study
and do different things. And I've come a long, long way, but,
but that was, that was something that kind of held me back
thinking that, is there something wrong with you? So.
Yeah, correct. And that's why in my program, I always start with,
you know, the fact that there is nothing wrong with this and how
to like build a foundation from there because, because it goes
that to that aspect of we are a new creation that we really are.
That's why I kept going back to the, we're actually spirit. We
have a soul and we're in a body, but we're actually spirit and we
keep thinking where our body or where our feelings or where our
mind and our thoughts and our ability to logically process
something and navigate through it. And we're putting the
responsibility of our existence on the soul and the body and it
can't carry that responsibility. It wasn't intended to, it's
actually our spirit. And God says that in our spirit, now
this is, this is very shocking for some people, but God says
that in James, I think it's James. No, maybe it's first
John. It says that we no longer sin. It says that for he who is
born of God, which we talked about earlier, our spirit is
born of God. Our spirit is born of spirit. Jesus said, God says
that Jesus said, our spirit is born of spirit, capital S or
spirit, lowercase S it says in the Bible is, you know, born of
uppercase S. And anyway, so that it says in first John that for
every, for anyone who is born of God, it is impossible for him to
sin. It's our spirit that is really truly who we are, not our
soul and our body. Those came after we're unified with them.
Yes, but the existence of our identity itself sit in the
spirit part of us that was born of God. And it says in first
John that for he was born of God, it is impossible for him
to sin. Your spirit is literally within Christ's spirit united
with him. It's not like there's two of you in there and there's
Christ and there's you it's one and it can't be separated.
That's the difference between Christ and Adam. Adam was able
to fall away from God, but because we're in Christ, because
of what Christ did, he made it so that even if we acted like
Adam did, we literally can't be separated from God again. It's
not like Adam is possible to happen again. Adam happened
before Christ. So once Christ, you know, died, he united with
us, united us with him in such a way.
that literally if we act like Adam, which we do every day, we literally can't be separated from
him. He unified us in such a way that our actions can't affect our union with him. And God, it also
says, Christ can have nothing corrupted within him. So if your spirit is one with Christ,
if your spirit is who you are, and your spirit is one with Christ, and Christ can't have anything
corrupted within him, it matches what 1 John says when it says, for he who is born of God,
it is impossible for him to sin. Impossible. So the whole sinning thing is in the soul and the
body, and all that sin is, is unbelief. That's all that it is. And I'm not trying to, I'm not trying
to, you know, devalue it as if it doesn't matter or something. I'm just trying to say it's not
the action. It's actually not believing God. Because we're not believing God in our soul and
our body, our spirit always believes God because our spirit never sins. So our spirit therefore
always believes God. It's one with Christ. It can't not believe God because it is one with it.
So if you know and you choose that you, that that is who you are, like I said, it changes everything.
So that's one of the things that I would recommend that you do. This is what changed everything for
me. I'll tell you the two things that, I'll tell you two things. I'll tell you the first thing that
I did. And then I'll tell you one other thing. And I'll give you those two because they might
sound simple and they might even sound frustrating, but in their simplicity, because we like,
because the world system of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil requires complication
in order to be effective. God's the opposite. Everything in the kingdom is extremely simple
to the point that we don't think that it's relevant. We don't think it works.
But so here's literally what I did. So I'm literally back in the apartment where God
taught me these things and where I practice what I'm going to be telling you. I was literally in
that bed in there when God showed me this. So I was struggling with my identity.
I had hit rock bottom in my relationship, my finances, my business, literally everything
was on the rocks. I had no money. I was having to trust the Lord for food. It was that bad.
And no one knew. And I just thought, Lord, you don't love me. You don't bless me. You're blessing
everybody else. I have worked so hard for you. I have martyred myself for you in business and
relationships and everything. And everybody else has been more successful than me by worldly
standards and what it looks like by spiritual standards. And you're blessing them more than
you apparently don't love me. And I thought, so God says that he loves me. And I've always
tried to believe that he did. I always tried to believe that I was enough.
What is it? Is there anything that I haven't tried? I've tried to obey all the laws, all the rules,
do all this stuff, everything. I've tried really hard to believe him. I've tried really hard to
love him. None of it works. So I thought, is there, and I was about to give up, like literally
I give up for the rest of my life and I was about to give up. And I thought, okay, is there anything
I haven't tried? And I thought, I haven't decided. In other words, I haven't chosen that it was true.
Um, and that changed everything for me. So I lay in the bed, you know, just depressed,
not even wanting to get out of bed. And while I was there lying in bed, I think it was like
10 in the morning. I was depressed. I had been working on trying to get my businesses off the
ground and nothing was working. So I was like, I'm just laying in bed, procrastinating as long
as possible while I'm feeling oppressed and guilty that I wasn't getting up and working
hard because how on earth do I expect God to make my business successful unless I'm working at it?
So it was procrastinating, but at the same time, I was feeling guilty about it. And I'm like,
see, it's just like guilt upon guilt upon shame upon condemnation. So I'm laying there and I
thought, well, and this is all important to the story. That's why I'm giving you these details.
And, um, so I felt laying there, I felt condemned by the Lord. And here I am trying to convince my
myself that he loves me. So finally I thought, you know, I haven't chosen. He says that it's true,
but I've never chosen that it would be my reality. I kept waiting for it to make sense or for,
or for him to convince me. That was a really big thing. I kept waiting for logic,
scripture, or God himself through experiences like experiences that I couldn't refute,
that I couldn't explain away. I kept waiting for him to convince me and nothing happened.
One thing that I had not done is I hadn't chosen that it was true. And by that, I mean,
you choose that it's the reality of the world in which you exist, not choose that you want to
believe it, not choose that. Okay. Well, I guess God, that's who you are.
are in your distance, I guess you're just love over there.
And okay, if you say so, if you say so,
then I guess I'll see it.
God's like, nope, you're not gonna see it
unless you decide to risk everything
on the fact that it might be wrong.
So you start, so in other words,
that means you choose that it's the reality
of the world that you live in,
that God loves you no matter what you do.
When you're messing up, when you're sinning,
that was a huge thing for me.
While you are sinning, that God is loving you
and he's not changing his interaction with you,
he's not stopping talking to you when you sin,
then none of that changes anymore with Christ.
It did with Adam, it no longer does.
So then he doesn't stop talking to you,
he literally doesn't change his interaction with you
when you sin.
That's the whole other thing.
He literally doesn't.
The issue with us not feeling close to the Lord
when we sin is we've created a blockage
because we're no longer believing.
So if we're no longer believing,
God's like, you're not giving me the authority
to interact with you.
We're the ones who's stopping it.
So, but he never stops.
So he's always talking to us.
But anyway, the point is that I had to choose
that if he said he loved me unconditionally,
that he really did.
And I had to make a willful, intentional decision
with the power and the authority God had given me
to make it up.
In other words, it feels like you're making it up.
You're not really making it up,
but it will feel like it is.
And we're used to,
if something feels like we're making it up,
we're used to rejecting it.
We did that when we were kids, we played around,
we were imaginative.
And then as things got, as we got older,
it was stifled and squelched out of us.
It's like, in fact, we were punished for making things up.
And so that feel, you will feel like you're making it up
because you won't feel like it's true.
So you're bypassing your feelings
and you're making it a willful, intentional decision
that if he says it's true, then it really is true.
So you make the decision and then you think,
okay, well, according to James,
faith without works is dead.
So if he says it's true, how would I live?
How would I act?
What works would follow me believing it?
And I thought, well,
if I believe that God loved me unconditionally,
and I do because I'm making a willful decision
that that's the reality that I live in,
even though right now it feels like
I'm making up my own world, but he said that it's true.
If he says that and I'm choosing it,
then I'll get up and I'll make my bed.
I have no reason to stay in bed.
I no longer needed to stay in bed anymore
now that God loves me, now that I chose that that was true.
And now, and I didn't even have, and because God loved me,
I didn't even have to go work on my business right now.
I could get up and I could go get ready
and I could take however long I wanted in the shower
and I could get ready.
And while I was taking a shower,
I was thinking, God is loving me right now.
He is looking on me right now.
I was choosing that reality, not the concept.
The concept isn't gonna change anything.
I actually had to live in that existence in a new world,
in a world in which God loved me.
And then I was getting ready for doing my hair and my makeup
and then I was doing my breakfast.
I was doing the same thing.
God is loving watching me,
is loving watching me interact with these physical objects
that he created that I'm now gonna ingest
because I love this type of food.
He loves the fact that I appreciate something he made.
And by choosing it and by acting on it,
it completely changed my life.
And then I did my business that way.
I'm like, okay, Lord,
I don't know what's gonna happen with my business.
I completely give the outcome up to you.
I don't know if it's gonna be successful or not.
All I know, Lord, is I'm fully loved and fully accepted.
And if I'm fully loved and accepted,
what am I gonna do today?
What kind of actions am I gonna take?
What am I gonna research?
What am I gonna try?
Because your love of me is no longer dependent
on how they interact with me on Facebook.
And this is at least six months
before I started my ministry.
So, it no longer, and well, technically,
I suppose it was only three months,
but it depends on how you look at it.
But the thing is that I just gave the outcome up to the Lord
of what happened.
And I just, my whole life became about
the fact that I was enjoyed.
And one of the things that I would do is I would,
and I'm doing the same thing right now,
because I said, I'm going through a healing process.
So, God's having to teach,
take me through deeper healing
and teaching me deeper things about rest.
So, I'm having to do the same thing.
I'm feeling guilty for doing things that I like.
It's how I grew up, where I felt that
unless I worked hard enough,
unless I could have been a better person,
enough hours in the day doing something I didn't want to do.
I was not gonna be able to do what I do now.
I didn't have any right to do anything that made me happy.
So, I'm feeling guilty for doing things that I like.
Yeah, I feel that I had to be, I had to be unhappy most of the day before I had the
It's how I grew up, where I felt that
right to spend a little bit of time on something that would make me happy.
And it sounds convoluted, but I'm telling you as much as I've like taught all of
this and learned all of this and changed and grown or whatever, I still have
that deep, that deeply rooted belief.
So one of the things that I'm doing right now is I am forcing myself to
spend huge amounts of the day, enjoying things that I love to do simply.
And by that, what I mean is I'm enjoying me.
What is in me that makes me feel like, in other words, when I do a particular
thing, like for instance, I love to knit or I'm enjoying doing different
cooking things right now, or I'm enjoying learning things about gardening.
I I've seen, if I like it, I see it as a waste of time.
I mean, some people, you know, do these things for a living or do
these things because they have to, you know, because they've got kids and
whatever, and they got to feed them and whatever, my husband and I are fine.
I don't have to do any of that.
In fact, my husband, my husband has said that this is the first relationship
in which he hasn't been the cook.
So the thing is I forced myself to do the things that I love
because, and enjoy me in it.
Because in the reason that that's important.
And so that's the second thing that I would recommend that you do is that
you take everything that you're doing.
And you like to, first of all, it's take every, the first thing is take
everything that you're doing and choose that God loves you choose it because
you won't believe it, you won't feel it.
None of those things, but you choose that it's true.
You choose that that's your reality.
The second thing is to pick things that you enjoy doing and you
don't have to do them for hours.
You know, I understand you've got kids, you've got a job and all of that.
The thing is that, but Hey, you even do it when you're driving, whatever,
when you, when you're washing dishes, when you are, whatever.
Well, okay.
Let me back up.
Cause there's kind of like two parts to this.
When you do things that you really truly enjoy, that's
easier for us to connect with.
Okay.
Like say for instance, if you love cooking, I'm just gonna make that up.
You love cooking, then ensure, allow yourself to enjoy you cooking.
Like allow the full enjoyment of the experience as opposed to, Oh, I'm
supposed to, I have to, I need to make sure to, I need to do it right.
Release yourself to just have fun and to do it the way you want to, and
to not worry about getting everything right and making it all perfectly
healthy all of the time and whatever.
Have fun with it in order to write a new record for yourself.
That, that you, um, uh, that you can enjoy you and that God wants you to
enjoy you because by enjoying you, you're enjoying him because you are literally
because your spirit born of his spirit, you literally have his DNA in you.
You are actually enjoying him and you are agreeing with him and having faith in him
that what he says about you really is true and that it's worth investing in.
And then it's valuable because remember you were the first thing that God
entrusted you with before your husband, before your children, before anything,
he gave you, you first, and he said, I want, I'm entrusting you with this thing.
That's very important to me.
And this is your first thing that I'm holding you accountable
for before anything else.
Um, and, uh, so, so that's how we actually act on our faith.
Okay.
If God says that I'm worth it, then I'm going to spend time on it.
But I'm then while I'm spending time on it, I'm going to enjoy me.
It's it, it sounds great in theory, but when you actually do it, if you're
not careful, you'll feel guilty.
All those old things will come up.
I shouldn't be spending time on this.
I should be doing something else.
But what you're doing by forcing yourself to do it is you're forcing
yourself to act on the fact that you had chosen that something else has chosen
that what God says is true, really is true.
If it's true, then what would you do?
And so you put feet to the thing because James said, if you don't act on it, it's
not real, you don't really believe it.
It's just a, oh, well, no.
If this should ever happen, I know how I should act, but no, no, no.
We have to put ourselves in the situation.
If we don't, God will.
And he's like, I want you to prove to yourself by being in a situation
that it, that you really do believe it.
And here's the really cool thing.
God's just like, if you put yourself in this situation, I will prove to you
through the experience that what I said to you really is true about you or
whatever, and then this, the second part of that second thing, because that's
the second thing is enjoying yourself.
The other, the kind of the extension of it is, is then bleed over into other
things that maybe you don't love to do so much.
I don't know if you don't like to do dishes, but we're going to pick dishes
or driving or sunbathing.
thing. And you enjoy yourself while you're doing it. It kind
of like ties in a bit with the fact of whatever it is you're
doing shoes that God loves you. You engage with that as well as
opposed to Okay, well, I'm just here. I don't love me, but God
loves me. You know, God loves me. That's right. We have to
engage with it as well. We're like, No, I enjoy me. And so I
started doing that. I am telling you, I don't I don't know how to
explain it. It changed the trajectory of my life. And
here's why, what we believe about God, and the fact that he
loves this, and what we believe about our, about what God says
about us. Did I say that right? And will is where we get our
sense of identity. And our sense of identity is literally the
root of everything else in life. That's the foundation on which
all the other lives are built if I'm not enough, or I should have
done something better, or I'm responsible for everybody else.
A lot. I mean, sure, those things have to be navigated and
worked through and whatever, but they're all founded on that
sense of self, what it is that we believe about God, and
whether and how, and whether he unconditionally loves us. And
whether or not we participate in how to participate, come into
agreement with it by enjoying ourselves as well. Does all of
that make sense?
Yeah, I think so. Is this this is recorded, right? Yeah. So I
get to listen to this again. Yeah, we sometimes me. Yeah, I'm
just gonna have to listen to it again. Because, yeah, because
that it's hard. It is a lot. And yeah, it's through and then I
have been you have your own thoughts of your own beliefs.
And it's not really true. And that kind of thing. So so I'll
just have to, I'll have to listen to it again. I did want
to ask you because I know that you have that, I guess our time
is probably about to end or whatever. But what I did want to
ask you is, do you have any? I know you said you don't have
your program right now going on? You have any like resources,
like foundational things that I could listen to perhaps, that
kind of go along with what you're what you're talking
about? Maybe so that I can kind of start listening to this
stuff to try to get it a little bit more. Yeah, I do. I will.
I'll send you a link to send. Yes. And so to some recorded
teachings that I have. Okay. Yeah, I think it's really I
mean, really, my heart is, is I want to believe who that I am
in Christ. And that but it's just how do I get that? How does
it click? And so and I do think I get what you're saying. Allow
yourself to enjoy yourself. I deal with feeling guilty.
Because that because because I've seen two extremes. I've
seen very lazy people that get nothing done. And they just have
fun all day. And they have nothing that they don't. They
have nothing to say for anything. And so I'm like, I
know that there's a balance. There's a balance to
everything. And so I'm so one of those. Yeah, the reason why
that isn't doesn't work is because if they are still if
their whole life is built around the tree of the knowledge of
good and evil, that everything has to be worked for. And that's
what they believe. They don't want to do anything. In fact,
that's probably why they're lazy is they just find it too hard.
And they think, Oh, I'm not worth it. And I'm not going to
be able to get it done. Anyway, I'm going to be a failure
anyway. So why even try and I'm just going to have fun. If
they're still believing in this way of life, then this, that's
why they're getting bad results. If they they can appear not
lazy, but they can appear like they're having fun and all kinds
of stuff. If they are relying on God, God's going to be the one
to like take care of them. Now the thing is, though, if they
believe like this, they're still going to be doing things. Why?
Because they're going to know they're a king, they're going to
know they're a priest. And they are going to do actions that
reflect that they're not going to be lazy and mooching off of
people and mooching off their mom staying in the basement.
That is these people, that's people that have agreed with
this modality, or this operation of life, not this one, when they
operate on according to this one, you get more done with
less energy. Okay, so and God is taking care of all the results.
Here's the difference. With with the Lord, you're no longer
carrying the burden, the weight and the responsibility of the
outcome. Okay, you Well, you're carrying the responsibility, but
the thing about spiritual maturity is spiritual maturity
is responsibility without any weight. Without it feeling
heavy, it's the responsibility of a king, they get to enjoy all
the benefits of the responsibility without any of
the drawback. That spiritual maturity, if you can't handle
responsibility, that immaturity.
like spiritual responsibility, physical responsibility, that's immaturity.
But if you can handle without feeling weight, if you can feel, if you can take on responsibility
without feeling the heaviness of it, because remember God says to give the burden to him,
if you can carry the responsibility without the weight of it, that's spiritual maturity.
So, but anyway, but yeah, that's the difference between all those people, because again,
we're, we're talking about completely shifting from that operation of life to this one.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's why that one doesn't work. I mean, like what you're saying. Yeah,
that is scary. Yeah. We don't want to be like that. And we keep thinking if I let go, that's
who I'm going to be. And I know we're letting go of the system and we're choosing this one. And I,
we could talk a long time about all of this, but my entire life changed and I got so many more
opportunities. People changed in their actions towards me because, and I got more money and all
of that stuff. And I got more gifts and more of my needs met when I let go because God suddenly
did everything. So now I still acted and interacted and did things and, and, you know, participated
with the Lord, but I let go of this system and chose this one. And my life became like 10 times
more colorful. It's not a hundred. I mean, my goodness, I began traveling the United States
by myself. And then I started traveling internationally, strictly by faith where
God took care of me and God took care of the, took care of the money and God took care of,
you know, just whatever. And I taught and I interacted with people and I just did whatever,
just because if my God's going to take care of everything, what do I want to do? Well, I want
to do this and I'm going to do that. And I want to, I want to have a ministry and I'm going to
have a business and I'm going to do whatever because I no longer carry the weight of the
outcome. He is, so I'm no longer carrying the weight of it. What do I want to do? That's when
all of a sudden we find all of this motivation, this one, when you let go, there's no motivation.
So there's laziness. When this, when we let go of this and we choose this, we find that our
motivation increases because where there's no longer the pressure that we feel of the outcome.
So now we have all of this energy towards being ourselves. So within ourselves, we all, we have
all of the, we have, we have all of the action. And I mean, all of the, all of the creativeness
of our father to build things, to build businesses, to build relationships, to volunteer,
to whatever in here, it just felt exhausting because here you have to bear the weight of it
over here. You get to do everything without bearing any weight. So you got intrinsically
put in us our own motivation because we're like our father, we're built to create, to do stuff.
The reason we try to avoid it over here is because it comes with a burden and over here,
it doesn't come with a burden. Yeah. Okay. So it's a lot more fun than Netflix. I rarely watch.
In fact, until Ed and I started, and so Ed and I got married, when Ed and I got married,
we started watching television as a means to do something together at Morningstar.
And, but before that, I, I hardly watched television in years. And by television,
I'm talking like Netflix because I was too busy. There were too many fun things to do,
because anyway, and it's not, it's not, I was always doing something and it didn't feel
exhausting. I was energized. There was now so much I could do now that I no longer was
burdened by the doing of them. You know, anyway, I just feel like,
was it because you just felt like you were doing it with God?
It was because God, no, it was no longer holding me accountable for what happened and how it
happened. Okay. He loves me regardless. And he would always protect me and provide for me,
no matter what happens. So even if pain came with it, even if the, if, if the relationship
dissolved because of something, you know, uh, or whatever he, I don't know how to describe it.
It's as if it, those, the threat of those things affecting me, or those things that were no longer
a threat to me, to what he thought of me, to what I thought about myself, to how I felt.
It didn't take away my joy anymore. See over here, it would take away my joy over here.
It no longer took away my joy. Um, so that's why there's no, there's no weightiness in living over
here. There's no heaviness anymore. So that's the difference. Yeah. So I'm glad you brought
that up so I could distinguish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Um, yeah. So if you have any,
any teaching that you can send so that I can listen to this and try to kind of.
It's different. Yeah, it is. It's very different. Yeah. So yeah, I've got a series or two,
one or two of them that I'll send, um, you know, your way, um, to, um, to check out if you,
if you want to. And, um, and yeah, there you go. I'm sorry. I don't have a program right now.
The program is really, people say that, um, I mean,
love these things because they get to personally ask me and you know in the breakthrough sessions
they get to personally ask me questions about like their private situations, their individual
situations, and how to apply the teachings in their individual situations. But they don't,
they don't get very far in doing only breakthrough sessions because there's no, it's all just
that they're alone in executing it. And in the in the program not only is there a building
over several weeks, there's actually a community. And so people find other people get to interact
with other people that are living life like them because so most of the people their spouses for
instance don't understand what they're learning and because it's so different. And so they'll
talk about the fact I can't tell you the number of times people have jumped into the group and said
y'all are the only people that can understand the victory that I just had or what God just
showed me or what God just did and I've never had seen him do anything like this before.
You know I've had so many people say Ashley I didn't know that life could look like this on
this when I was living before death you know and going to heaven. I didn't know that heaven could
be lived on earth. I didn't know a relationship with God could look like this. I didn't know my
life could feel like this. And people's lives completely change when they hear this because
this really is just the gospel. It's just that we haven't understood the gospel so therefore
and the freedom in it so therefore we haven't gotten to experience it in our lives. So just
because it's true doesn't mean we're getting to live it. If we only get to live it if we believe
it anyway. Just really quickly and just the current situation that I'm feeling that heaviness
that weight of what if I made this decision and it was wrong for my for this listing and I told
you this was the most recent thing. Is there anything that you would just say if I start
feeling that anxious feeling in my stomach like second guessing my decision or like what if I
could have done something wrong? Is there something that you would just say do this and this will
start shifting things? There's a couple of things I can well no let me give you three.
There's three things there's multiple things I could say but we'll start with these three
because otherwise it could be overwhelming. And one of them may not make much sense because I
haven't talked about it much but one of them is where does it sound so you remember your spirit
soul and body your spirit is the king over your soul and your body. Your spirit is like like God is
to us your spirit is your soul and body. God provides for us our spirit that's one with Christ
is given the dominion over the kingdom of its soul and its body. So if our soul or our body needs
anything our spirit is supposed to get it from the Lord and send it down. So in other words our soul
and our body you know we're just scared and our soul and our body don't believe the Lord and they
don't have faith and all of that and that's why they're acting out. That's why they're scared.
That's why they get anxious. You know it's why you get all those knots in your stomach. It's your body
manifesting the unbelief. Don't believe I'm protected. I don't believe I'm safe. I've got to
do it myself and so the body and the body goes in distress. So it's manifesting the the soul's
belief not the spirit's because the spirit never questions the Lord but the soul. So what I recommend
doing is the first thing I'll recommend is what I call stop and that is where you tell you
you shift into your spirit. There's there's some stuff I could that would take a bit longer for me
to explain about how you kind of do that but you just remember who it is you are. You choose by
faith. I am that. I am my spirit. I am 100 perfect. I am the new man. I am the new creation. The old man
has died. He can't be resurrected. This is who I am. I literally cannot sin. So that person is talking
to my soul and my body that are just scared and you just tell it hey look I don't know what's going
on. I don't know what's triggered you. You might know what's triggered you but sometimes you won't
know what's triggered you. You just know that you're anxious. I don't know why you're anxious
but whatever it is I'm telling you is your king. I'm telling you to stop and you don't do it in a
mean way because that'll just scare your soul and your body even more. It just scares you even more
like oh my goodness. It's because currently there's a lot to all of this but your soul and your
body are afraid of your spirit. Your spirit agrees with the Lord and it's not agreeing with the Lord
so it's not agreeing with your spirit and it's a house divided against itself. So anyway you want
your spirit to come in in a loving but authoritative way is saying hey look I'm going
to protect and provide for you. You no longer have to.
No, you think that you're abandoned, you're not, I'm here and I'm telling
you, whatever's going on, stop it.
You know, you're not being mean about it because again, that'll scare it, but
you do it in an authoritative, like a very, I don't know, like knowledgeable
way, like you've got no question, like, Hey, this is what I want you to do.
And you will be shocked at how fast that sometimes it doesn't always happen, but
how sometimes we'll just immediately stop.
And I tell all of my, all my clients, tell them all how to do this.
And they're, and they're like, that is shocking how it works.
I'm like, I know it doesn't always work, which is why I have some other tools as
well, but it's, it can sometimes stop.
You just tell yourself, Hey, look, this is how it's going to be.
I need you to stop whatever it is you're holding on to, let it go.
And you give it a command.
It's very kind, but as a command, you have to have authority in it.
If you don't have authority and it's like wishful thinking and hope it's
going to obey, you know, it, it, uh, it doesn't respect that.
So you have to do it with authority.
And the, uh, the other thing is to look at what I call no judgment.
And that is where we look at a situation and we think, and we think it
shouldn't be like this, it should be different.
I shouldn't be feeling this way.
I should be feeling different.
This thing shouldn't have happened.
This should have happened.
God should have done this and he didn't do it.
We're thinking that whatever should, whatever's happening should be different.
That's judging the situation.
And so stop judging it.
In other words, just shifted it and just allow it to just be again.
You're not giving up.
Like I said earlier in the conversation, not giving up where
you're as defeatist attitude, like, well, because I can't control it.
That's, that's not a kingly position and therefore it won't work.
Um, also you're not giving in to the temptation of the lie that
it's wanting you to believe about yourself or about God.
You're not giving into any of that.
You're just shifting into neutral and you're not judging the situation.
You're just allowing spiritually and emotionally, you're just
allowing it to be because you're not threatened by it because you're in
Christ and it's all below you.
So there's no need to be threatened.
And as soon as you do that, you will notice all your anxiety to stop.
So, um, so hopefully those things will help.
Um, again, I have more tools, but we don't have, have the time, but those
are probably two of the biggest ones that are the most powerful for me.
I always go to the no judgment one.
I use the no judgment more than anything else.
The last thing is, and people love this one because there's
nothing that they have to do.
They, when you go to bed at night or just whenever you think
about it throughout the day, you, um, but especially at night, people
love doing it right before they go to bed.
That's when I started doing it is, um, again, you taught, you
shift into your spirit.
In other words, you choose.
That is who you are.
That's what I mean by shifting into your spirit.
It's not simply believing that that's who you are.
It's choosing that that's who you are.
And you, and you become that you're like, no, I am my spirit.
Again, just like we choose that what God said about himself really is true.
And you have to make a decision.
You make a decision that you actually are your spirit.
You know, a decision.
That's who I am.
So, because it's who I am, you know, I'm going to talk to my soul and my body.
And you talk to it kind of similarly to the, to the whole stop thing, except
you're telling it, Hey, look, you know, I know that you're afraid.
I know that you're anxious, but I'm, I'm your spirit and I am here.
God, I'm one with Christ.
And therefore he gives me access to the spirit of wisdom, the spirit of
knowledge, the spirit of understanding, et cetera, and I can provide, I can heal
your wounds, you don't know how to heal your wounds, but I, because I'm one
with Christ, I do, I have access to all of that.
I can pass Christ healing down, et cetera.
And so there's, there's no need for you to worry about
and try to heal your own wounds.
There's no, you need for you to be afraid.
There's no need for you to be anxious.
I want you to trust me.
Let me come in.
In other words, let this spirit come in.
Um, so I talked to my soul that way.
I talked to my body that way.
Sometimes I'll talk to my body about specific things that it's doing, that
it, that I appreciate that it's trying to protect me because it's just trying
to do the right thing because it thinks I've abandoned it.
It thinks the spirit's abandoned it.
And so it's trying to fight for it, you know, by giving me indigestion or by,
I don't know, adding fat to my body because it's trying to like neutralize
toxins and hide them away so it doesn't kill me, you know, it's trying to protect
me and sort of like, you know, I really appreciate that, but you know what?
You don't have to anymore because I'm here.
So just let all that go, release the fat, release the anxiety, release the stress,
release the fear, release this pain that I'm experiencing here, release.
I've, you know, I've talked to my headaches and they've gone away.
I've told other people about this and that happens.
They talk to their headaches that goes away.
And so, and then you just talk to them, you know, and then you, and you ask them
to do these things while you're asleep.
You know, and then I sometimes talk to my spirit and say, Hey, you know, they're afraid
of you be kind, you know, and whatever.
And I know all of this might sound really weird, but David talked to his soul.
You know, you read in the Psalms, you know, rise up on my soul, this and my soul, that
and whatever.
So David talked to his soul.
And I think that there's other examples in scripture.
I don't remember where they are at the moment of people talking to their souls or their
bodies or whatever.
So there's, it's not weird.
It's not hokey.
It's actually acknowledged that they acknowledging that their entities and addressing them to
give them direction because you're the king of yourself.
So tell yourself what you want it to do, because it's there to listen to you.
It needs to know what to do.
It needs a parent to be the parent, you know, be the king, but it needs it.
It's not meant to carry the responsibility, the spirit is to be the spirit that has responsibility
that has the protection, that has the provision, that has all the healing from the Lord, you
know, and give it to the soul and the body.
So the soul and the body no longer think that it's their responsibility.
So I've had, I've shifted overnight strictly sometimes by not meaning like if there was
something I was particularly anxious about or stressed about, and I've talked to my soul
and my body before I went to bed, sometimes I wake up the next day, it's completely gone.
Other times, and it, you know, I've had one client, they said, Ashley, I did that every
single night.
And she said, I don't know what happened.
I don't know why, but everything's suddenly different.
Everything's changed.
I was like, exactly, because you're, you gave instruction to your spirit, soul, and body,
and they obeyed.
That's what happens.
So we're just not showing up in our own lives.
It goes like, you're what I've entrusted you with.
I told you, I gave you dominion over creation.
This is creation.
This is, this is, this is what came into existence.
Our soul and our body came into existence at conception, not our spirit.
That's the whole light thing, you know, that comes in, you know, it interacts, but, you
know, at conception, but the, you know, the soul and the body, that's creation.
God's like, I gave you dominion over that first before the elephant, before the trees,
before your circumstances, before spiritual laws, it's you.
So anyway, those are things that might sound weird, but I promise you, I promise you, they,
they're very, very effective.
So anyway, yeah.
Okay.
Um, I forgot, what did you said to something?
I can't remember.
What's the exact amount that you said for the session?
Oh, 250.
Okay.
And then, um, and then you sent me the link to pay, right?
Yes.
And I know that we've gone over, it's just the 250 for the one hour.
Okay.
All right.
Um, well, Ashley, thanks.
Anything that you, uh, you said you'd send me that, whatever that link is for whatever.
Um, and I'll just have to, I'll just have to listen to this again because it's, it is a
lot.
It is a lot.
Naturally believe, like I do believe in speaking things into existence.
I do believe in that kind of thing.
Right.
I've seen it happen.
I mean, I believe that's how I got married.
I believe that's how I had my second child because I felt to call it out.
So the existence and, um, and then I just believed it to be true.
So, I mean, so some of this, I, it's just, I'm going to have to take, I'm going to have
to grasp this a little bit, but, but I do the thought of enjoying yourself and liking yourself.
That's a big thing.
I think that I need to really work on.
Um, and really, I do believe that God loves me, but it's like, do I really, so that kind
of a thing.
So, so I do need to, um, I guess that's my, my heart's desire is that who God says that
I am, that I actually really believe it.
And I live it, but that's really, that's what my heart's desire has been for a long time.
I just haven't known what to do.
So, um, yeah.
So I hope that I can, um, so I'm hoping to, to get, you know, like that light bulb where
you're like, this is it.
You know what I mean?
So, and I promise you that it's in the two things.
Uh, we, we actually have to risk our literally our entire self on the possibility of disappointment
on the possibility.
That's not true.
It's basically burning all of the bridges emotionally and just choosing that it's true,
not, okay, I'm going to try this or I'll kind of like put a foot in and like, okay, well,
hang on to my suit to protecting myself over here, just in case he rejects me, you know,
or just in case things don't always work out the way I want.
And I think maybe he doesn't love me, you know, but I'll, I'll try that.
I promise you that doesn't work.
The only thing that works is complete and total abandon.
where there's, where you are,
you're risking complete disappointment
and that God might not,
because we all think that, now God always does,
but we always think that,
we always think, what if he won't?
And you have to risk all of it,
not a little of it, not some of it, it won't work.
And that's why we continue to get disappointed
because we won't risk all of it.
God says you have to risk all of it
where there's no turning back
and where you're risking full on disappointment
from rejection from God,
which he won't, I promise you,
but that's what we feel.
So that's where the rubber meets the road.
That's what faith hinges on
and that our entire lives can change on.
It's the choice that it really is true,
even though it'll feel like you're making it up.
So, but you choose that it's reality, yeah.
So I am so sorry that there was so much
that I threw at you all at once.
So I always try to not do that
and I always do anyway.
But anyway, so hopefully it'll be helpful
to rewatch again, et cetera.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Thanks Ashley, I appreciate it.
You're welcome, good to see you.