Hey, yes, I can see you good. I'm sorry about that link. I'm apparently I don't know. I lost Internet connection at some point. And so it stopped the meeting.
Anyway, so it kicked me out of it too. So, like, okay, well, here's a new one. That's totally fine.
So I've been looking forward to this. We haven't gotten up in a while. I know. I know. I was excited too. And amazingly, miraculously, my kids are all having quiet time. Lori's probably sleeping by now. But yeah, so nice.
So what's going on at me?
Oh, my. Well, as far as life goes, oh, man, I'm trying to think what's new. I feel like we've just been settling into, like, just normal life. And we've never lived anywhere for this long, like, in one place. So it's actually been really nice.
Oh, yeah.
Um, in October, it'll be three years that we live here. So yeah.
That's hard to believe. Wow.
I know. So yeah, in the middle of just parenting and business, and just all the boring life stuff that actually feels really good for. Yeah, I'm excited for life stuff.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it does. I enjoy my, I don't know, my mundane, you know, things that people call mundane, you know, just, what do they call it? Domesticity, you know, just domestic stuff. Like, as weird as it sounds, like just doing the dishes, even though it's not like my favorite thing to do. It's like, I enjoy what I get out of it. I enjoy, oh, there's order, and there's, and everything's clean.
And so I enjoy stuff like that. I enjoy taking care of my garden and whatever. I don't know. It's just a slower time of life right now. So I understand. Yeah. So what's going on?
Well, I feel a little more emotionally stable than when I
The other day.
Oh, man. But yeah, we got home from DBS. I think it was Tuesday night.
And I was just I was just mad on Tuesday. I just felt really angry and angry at life and mad at Arnold and I was just generally ticked at the world. And then I had to go and do game night at DBS with like 120 children that I was supposed to be nice to. And it was so loud. And it was it went okay. But yeah, then that night we came home and Arnold and I finally attempted to make amends.
And, and that went well, we were able to talk and I felt like it went, it went really well. And so I feel like since then him and I are more connected and stuff.
But yeah, I feel like I've been kind of in this cycle this year of like trying to figure out, okay.
Like I know I'm I'm one one person, you know, spiritually, mentally, physically, and all that stuff. I feel like I'm trying to figure out this year, like, what is going on with my like with me mentally? Like, is it? Is it physical problems? Like, and I think I know that it's all connected. I'm just trying to figure out which end to start fixing it.
And I've been doing some health stuff. I've been working with a functional medicine doctor, and he's recommended a few different things. And I feel like that was kind of the start of when I I feel like I started realizing that I think I shared this on the rest intensive, like the reunion or whatever.
How I started realizing, like, what it was like, I could label it as intrusive thoughts. And I never knew what to call it before. And also realizing, you know, that not everybody deals with that. So it kind of gave me hope, but also kind of made me feel like, really, like other people don't have to like fight so hard to not be dragged down by this every single day.
What do you mean by intrusive thoughts? Like,
Well, like, okay, so it was really bad when I was little, it would be always like,
It was more, that was more like worry, or like, if I felt guilty about something, even if I shouldn't have felt guilty about it, it was like, I literally couldn't stop, couldn't stop thinking about it. And I would try, I would try so hard. And I know there was a time in my life where like, every time a thought would come into my mind, I felt like I had to like confess it to my mom.
And I think that's actually a thing. I don't know what it's called. But I know there's other kids that go through that.
stage or maybe it's a stage or maybe it's a condition. I don't know. But anyway, and then
now as an adult, it's more just like it's really hard for me to stop thinking like down a negative
path. Something negative comes into my mind. I'm just like thinking about it the whole time. And
so it's more like negative thoughts or I'll catch myself like right in the middle of like
imagining a really traumatic event happening and like down to every last detail. And then all of
a sudden I'm like, what am I doing? Like, where am I? And so, yeah. And I've been learning a lot
about brain rewiring and I'm realizing it's encouraging because I'm like, you know what?
No, like I can change these pathways or whatever. But yeah, it's difficult. I feel like I'm wired
very negatively naturally. And Arnold is wired very positively, which is great. I'm really glad.
But yeah. So, I don't know. There's just a lot of stuff jumbled up everywhere is what it is.
Yeah. Well, just for starters, I mean, I know that
there is such a thing as like the fact that we can wire our brains in a particular way because
we're in so much of a habit of doing something, but it can develop as a coping mechanism.
So, in other words, it's just like, so I was shocked one time and you may have heard me say
this before, but I asked a really close family member one time why they worried all the time.
And this lady was much older. She was, I don't know, at least in her seventies when I asked her
this question. So, in other words, she lived her whole life and a very long life, longer than me,
all like that. And I asked her, so why do you worry so much? I mean, it was like,
it was her, it was her hobby. It was what she, it was her job. It was her work. That's what she did
is she's worried. And if she didn't have something to worry about, she didn't feel right. So, she'd
find something. And so, she'd watch programs that talked about the state of politics or the state
of the church and everything's going to hell in a handbasket. And if she couldn't worry about any
of her family members' health, she would hear about family members or friends or neighbors
and would worry about their health. It was just whatever. And I'm just going, I do not understand
this. And that just gives you one example of how this person would think negatively, because it
wasn't just in worry. It was in, well, I mean, it was worry, but it wasn't just in like health
things. It was just in general, there was a tendency to always go to someplace negative,
to always make a negative remark or comment, meaning like she was thinking about it when
someone said something. So, that was her, her contribution to conversation. And so,
anyway, so I asked them, why, why do you worry so much? It sounds exhausting and it sounds just
self-damaging. Why do you do that? I mean, why would you want to? And they said, well, my mom,
so again, this lady is 70-something years old. She said, my mom once told me that if I worried,
it wouldn't happen. That if you worry about things, they won't happen. So, my point is
that thinking negatively, so that just gives an idea about the fact that thinking negatively
can be a coping mechanism for the fact that we're always, we're, we don't feel safe and we're
always trying to protect ourselves against the thing that can happen. So, it's almost like we're
always trying to be vigilant. It's a, it's a, what they call hyper-vigilance. You're always on.
And so, if there's nothing wrong right now that you're having to, and I'm not saying you, I'm
talking about people, to focus on, well, then they will create something. And so, these terrible
possible traumatic events can start playing out as a story in their head or they can start thinking
about, okay, well, if there's not something that I'm worried about or not something that I'm
working on or trying to fix with me, my husband, my children, my environment, my job, my whatever,
there's something I'm missing. Because it's this perspective that there's so much bad in the world
that that's what you have to focus on, that we're here on earth trying to clean up.
And so, if you're not cleaning something up, you're not fixing something, then you, your life
is about to get worse because the only way your life can get better is by you battling something
all the time. And so, if you're not battling, then it means that you are subconsciously being taken
over by the devil, by something, or you could be blindsided.
You're making yourself weak because you're not prepared.
So as a coping mechanism, we, or we have, people have a tendency to go, people
who have a tendency to be negative, have a tendency to go to that place because
they don't expect that life is going to get better, like deep down psychologically.
They do, but not truly, they think life is going to get worse or that there's
always something bad that's about to happen or going to happen and because
they're suffering this world and I want to be the most prepared that I can
in order to avoid the most pain.
But what they, but what ends up happening is for one thing, the things that we
worry about or that we think of as negative or whatever, and that most of
it ends up not happening anyway, but we do tend to increase the amount of
negative that does happen in our life.
And the amount of negative that we do feel, because not only does it get
attracted to us because we're focused on it, even if we don't want it, that's
what we're focused on and whatever we focus on, we feed, not whatever we want.
Whatever we focus on is what we feed and what ends up happening more in our lives.
And it also, part of that is because that's how, that's the perspective that
we have on the situation is that it's bad.
So it doesn't always mean that what's happening is bad or a situation
someone in is bad.
It's that, that's their perspective of it.
While somebody else with a more positive perspective could see the situation
very differently and they're in the exact same situation.
So anyway, and that's another reason why more negative can happen in negative
person's life is partly because of their perspective.
So they take on the meaning that, Hey, this is bad.
And therefore they, the trauma of it ends up happening to them because that's the
belief they had about what happened is it was negative.
And so they internalize it as a trauma or as something bad.
While somebody else who can go through the same situation, since they didn't
see it that way, they weren't traumatically affected.
You know, they weren't affected as a, it wasn't, it didn't affect them as a
trauma or something they need to heal from or whatever.
So anyway, that's just a very big, broad overview of like multiple
things that came to mind.
So, but I just wanted to, as weird as it sounds, I just wanted to encourage
you that it's a coping mechanism.
So it's not like something's wrong with you or whatever it that you didn't
feel safe.
And so this is what you, you did for yourself.
You to develop this habit and this tendency because you were trying to
create a safe environment.
You're always trying to be prepared.
You were trying to do good.
You're always trying to do the good thing.
And you thought that that if you're like me, which most people in the
rest intense bar, that's why they're attracted to it because that's the
message that I, in the perspective that I teach from.
So it ends up attracting the people who have the same experience that I
did.
In other words, internalized events in the same beliefs that I did, that
I'm bad, I'm wrong while I'm always trying to be better.
I'm trying to be good.
I'm trying so very hard to be good, but internally I must be very evil
and I have to overcome myself or whatever.
And you pointed it out really well in the and the reunion where you also
mentioned that the Holy that you were always trying to stay one step ahead
of the Holy Spirit.
I was like, that is a great way to phrase that be and I've tried to
explain that to myself and other people before and then you just said it
says the thing way.
I'm like Batman right there and and I did the same thing with my parents
because of course your parents are your authority.
And so they just create that this first because you can see them as
opposed to the Holy Spirit.
They're that like your first experience with I don't know with with
authority and like how authority or and you know people over you will
interact with you and what they will cause to happen.
They will cause rewards or punishments based off of what you do or don't
do and then we project that onto the Lord.
But anyway, so I did that same thing for my parents.
I was always trying to stay a step ahead of what they thought was right
and wrong now.
Just interestingly, my parents are very normal.
Just like everybody else.
It wasn't their instructions to me and their laws and their standards
were not just right and wrong.
Some of it was just not just their opinion, but their personality.
Like if they didn't if they got embarrassed easily by talking or like
talking too much, then they would tell us to not talk too much with other
people.
So if you talk and by talking too much, I don't mean like too much.
I mean like
talking more than they would, then you were wrong.
You weren't different, you were wrong.
So anyway, my point is that that,
the problem with that is, and this is my point with that,
it can create this environment with a child
where they never know what's right and wrong.
It leaves them completely dependent on their authority,
their parents, to tell them at any given moment
what's right and wrong.
They can't predict it because it's subjective.
It's subjective sometimes to how the parent feels
in the moment, how secure they feel in themselves
in the moment, how secure they feel in the environment
that they're in and how people are thinking about them,
and that'll affect how they parent their child,
you know, in front of someone else.
Everything's subjective.
It's not just the straight right and wrong standards
of God and of the Bible.
So point is, there is no security.
You can't figure it out for yourself.
And so always trying to stay ahead
of what you think is the Holy Spirit,
because the only way at that time when you're young,
unless you have encounters with the Lord,
is usually just what your parents tell you
about what the Holy Spirit wants from you.
And you're always trying to stay ahead of Him.
So therefore, how you feel in your own conscience,
which is being influenced by your parents,
and then you're always trying to stay ahead of,
step ahead of your parents.
And it's a moving target.
So you feel like it is, I don't ever use this phrase,
but it is the first phrase that popped into my head.
So excuse me for saying it, but it's like it,
because it's the most perfect way
that I could think of to describe it.
It's a crapshoot.
I've never said that in my life, so you're welcome.
I just like, it's like, there's no winning.
It's like, I'm just trying and I just got a shot.
I mean, it's 50-50.
I could win, I could lose.
And in the middle of it,
you're just trying so very hard to do, to just,
I don't know, to please someone,
to do the right thing, to,
there's another phrase that I was gonna use,
but anyway, that left my mind,
but you're just trying so hard
that you end up self-sabotaging.
You end up stifling yourself.
You end up restraining yourself.
So you end up losing in this battle that,
and you're, because you're sacrificing yourself
for something, for a reward or avoidance of a consequence
that may or may not happen.
It's not even like you are,
you're sacrificing yourself
for a guaranteed reward of your parent's pleasure.
It is not guaranteed.
You don't know what's gonna happen.
You don't know if they're gonna be happy with you today
or happy with what you did or happy,
or if your conscience is gonna be okay with it,
or if what you try to explain to a friend,
if they took it the way that you wanted them to or not,
it feels like this,
you're sacrificing yourself all of the time
and hurting yourself and self-sabotaging yourself
for something that sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't.
But even if it does happen, you've lost
because you self-sabotaged yourself
in order to get that reward of them being okay with you
or them being whatever, whatever.
So anyway, I just kind of wanted to paint a picture
of what's possible just to see if it resonates with you
because everyone has a different experience,
but just to see what resonates with you for yourself
so that you can start like doing some discovery,
internal discovery when I'm talking
about what experiences you may or may not have had
and how you can see, oh, that's where I'm getting this.
And it's because I didn't feel safe
and it didn't feel like there was any security
or any guarantee of safety.
And so therefore it just sets you in nothing
but a hypervigilant mode of wishful thinking
that I hope it works this time.
And then you live your whole life like that.
But the whole time you're self-sabotaging,
whether you get the right thing or you,
meaning like the right, the reward happens
or the consequence happens,
you've gone through so much turmoil
and so much distrust of yourself.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's the self-sabotaging.
So you always lose no matter how old you get
and no matter what your life is looking like
is we can live in this perpetual state of self-sabotage
without getting anything, without getting enough reward
for the sacrifice that we're making for it.
So, like I said, then what ends up happening
is hypervigilance mode.
How can I work harder?
How can I, whatever?
So, you know, sometimes it's.
it's making up or expecting negative.
Always being afraid of the negative
because you always feel like you don't have
the power in the room.
Arnold's more powerful than you are.
The kids are more powerful than you are.
Your parents are more powerful.
Your pastor, your friend, that your voice,
your, what you think you and your relationship
with the Lord, what he thinks of you in that moment
is not the most powerful thing in the room.
I mean, the most powerful thing to you.
You're always have the least power
and you're just trying to survive.
Is any of this resonating at all?
Is any of this making sense?
Or it may not, that's perfectly fine.
Yeah, no, I feel like what you said about,
no, now it's not gonna come out.
But the whole thing of, yeah,
trying to make sure that I am always the,
yeah, worrying so that the bad things don't happen.
I feel like it's something that I definitely did
and or do, and I'm not sure.
I don't know where that, sorry,
now I'm hearing my kids.
It's fine.
I'll be right back.
Hang on a second.
Okay, I'm back.
Definitely not sleeping.
Yeah, no, I know for as long as I can remember,
I've always had the mentality that if I'm not like worried,
worrying about something or like thinking about something
or like holding it, always holding it,
you know what I mean?
Then I'm gonna go backwards
and like I have to be extremely vigilant
to not be deceived.
And I feel like that part is getting better slowly.
Oh, that's good.
That's cute.
But it's hard for me because it feels like I am,
it feels like I'm lukewarm.
And I don't know, have I just always associated worry
with being like passionate or I don't know,
with it's spiritual.
It's a good way to put it.
Well, it's also different.
There's a difference between having feelings.
I read this, I read this quote recently
and I was like, oh my word, that's it.
That is how to describe it.
Cause I've always thought this and I was like,
but how do you, I couldn't grab how to articulate it.
And it's like, there's a difference they said
between feelings of and about God
versus connecting with God himself.
And we can confuse our feelings of or about God
or in your case, you know,
oh, I desire to do the right thing for God.
You know, I'm always trying to make sure
that I'm protected for God from the devil,
you know, and whatever.
And we can confuse those feelings
as actually feelings of love or actual zealousness
in following God, two totally separate things.
So when those other things go away, you know,
when those other things are attacked,
when like for instance, when there's no more worry,
now it just simply,
reveals the lack of foundation that and like attention that hasn't been paid to really
connecting with God because he's good as opposed to always trying to thinking that the way
that you're protected, the way that you connect with God is simply to avoid the devil or to
make sure to not do the bad thing. Because God is if God always focuses on, well, just
a walk with me is not doing the bad thing. This is not true. You know, so yeah, it can
just reveal the fact that we don't that we've just built a connection with God based off
of like they worry or whatever worry, you know, trying to defend herself against Satan
or whatever. And there's no connection with God because he's good or because there's there's
positivity to be gotten between us and our relationship. And that's what that's what
happened to me, too. I had focused so much on on Satan and on being hyper vigilant against
Satan because I thought if I wasn't hyper vigilant in my thought life, in my, you know,
my actions, particularly, though, in my thought life, I would think about all the time I was
always trying to, like, push him away. And I was thinking it was always trying to get
at me. That's what we're taught in church, that he's always trying to get at you. Like,
oh, my word. Sorry. And now we're talking about that. Not that long ago. It's just like
it just drives us crazy to always hear people talk about, oh, my word, Satan's trying to
get in the way and Satan's been trying to keep me from getting this done. And we're
like, I really don't think that much. You know, and even if he is. We don't have to
turn and fight him. We just like, OK, whatever. And if we just focus on the Lord. So it was
a big adjustment for me to huge adjustment, because when I no longer thought about Satan.
And my relationship with God was no longer about. Staying away from Satan and now my
relationship needed to be built on just looking at God. That was hard because that requires
vulnerability. And I didn't have that. I didn't have the vulnerability. I didn't have a connection
with him. I didn't have the history with him and just him. I had the history of how to
how to stay away from Satan because God told me to. And I call that my choice of God. Well,
God, God's my choice. And I'm proving that by staying away and by whatever. And that's
not that that's not the same thing. So it was a big adjustment. So anyway, that's all
that it is. It's just revealing the fact that that's what it was built on. And God wants
it. That's not freedom. And God wants us to be free. It's like, oh, my word, you don't
even have to pay attention, so to speak. I'm talking very simplistic ways to pay attention.
That's what I had to tell myself because I couldn't understand how to be how to fight
against the devil or the enemy. And not do it vigilantly. And so it was like, OK, I think
that God's going to protect me. The only way that I can let go of that belief is if I let
go completely of paying attention at all and just focus on the Lord. And then I'll shoot
and I'll trust that he'll just protect me. And that's how I had to learn. So anyway,
does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, I think one. One thing that I've had to like battle
through is like I feel like I have had times with the Lord where it like builds that relationship.
But then I feel like the next time I have this, I don't know, I always go back to like
if something bad happens or if I feel unworthy or I feel like my relationship with the Lord
is not where it should be. I feel like it just like erases all that stuff. It's just
like gone. We have to start from scratch again. That's what I thought. Yeah. And if someone
explained it like a rubber band that you get that it's like, OK, every every good
thing that you do stretches it further and further in your you think you have to keep
doing it just to hold it, because if you lose it once, if you don't do the next right thing,
all of this stuff, let's go and then it's gone. And I got to start all over. I don't
know where we get that from, but we all think that. So I understand. I do. Yeah. I just
feel like in the last. I don't know, I'd say probably in the last year or half a year,
I feel like. Those I mean, I don't remember the last time I had like a well, I shouldn't
say that, I feel like probably about. A month ago is probably the last time that I that
I feel like I really had an intimate encounter with the Lord. And so, I mean, obviously that's
I mean, I'm glad for that, but I'm just like, why does it feel?
So I don't know, like, I feel like I've struggled more with doubt in the last two or three months
than I have in years. Just like, well, what if this whole Christianity thing is just a big
scheme that somebody dreamed up, you know, a thousand years ago was like, here, we're just
all going to pretend for a thousand years till everybody believes in it, you know?
Yeah, correct.
I know that I'm not as, I'm not as scared of those thoughts anymore as I used to be. I'm just like,
okay, whatever. It's all a part of moving through life. But at the same time, I feel like
I want, I want it to be real to me. I don't want to just be like, oh yeah, I believe in it
because I just have put my big girl panties on and I refuse to, you know, see anything else.
I'm just not, I'm just not going to give ear, you know, to these doubtful thoughts. I want to
actually believe it, like, because it's true and because I've experienced it.
Yeah.
And I hear my kid again.
Who should very well much be sleeping. Hang on. I'll be right back.
Okay.
All right, I'm back.
Well, I took advantage of it and went to the break and saw that my dill plant is,
my little dill or herb was like, very sadly, like limp. And so I was like,
if you use the drink, poor little thing. It wasn't like that this morning. So anyway, go ahead.
Yes. What was I even talking about?
Oh yeah. Like the doubt.
Oh yeah. But it doesn't bother you as much.
Yeah. So yeah. But anyway, yeah.
Yeah. As it means you're more secure and.
Yeah. But yeah, it does. It does very much feel like, I don't know if it makes sense or not,
but I feel like I can't see the face of God right now. Does that make sense?
It does.
And I just, it just feels like a very, like a, like a side view, if anything, if not a back view.
Yeah. Now interesting distinction that I just want to make. Does it feel like you can't see
his face or does it feel like he's facing you in whether or not you can actually see his face?
It feels like you, and this is such a very unflattering angle. It's that you, you don't
see his face or that he he's, he's facing you, but he's not reacting to you. It's like he's,
you feel, you feel as he's paying attention to you, but you can't get a reaction. You can't get
a negative reaction. Can't get a positive reaction. It's just like dead pan. Which one is it?
Yeah, I would say the second one. Yeah.
Yeah. So there, I don't know if you remember, I think I talked about this in the, well, I did,
I talked about this in the rest intensive, you know, what, three years ago where there was this
study that they did about like the, the still, the still faced experiment, you know, where a mom
will be still faced in front of her child and then see that the child can't handle it.
Well, I obviously didn't know about that experiment until like,
you know, years after I had that experience with the Lord, where I told the Lord, I said, Lord,
I mean, I was so upset.
I said, Lord, I know that you're there, but I can feel your presence.
It's like you're paying attention to me, I have your attention, but I cannot get you
to respond.
I said, it's like talking to a brick wall.
You aren't mad at me, you're not, I mean, so to speak, there's not anger, but there's
not pleasure.
And so therefore, what I go to in my mind is if there's not pleasure, you're mad.
So I'm like, God, I can't handle it.
I just can't handle it.
But you're not telling me you're mad.
You're not telling me what I can fix.
And so it's in any way, the point is, that is where you are, is what we absolutely cannot
stand.
We can handle a positive reaction, we can handle a negative reaction, we can't handle
no reaction.
So yeah, I definitely understand what you're talking about.
And yeah, so anyway, go ahead.
Well, and I feel like the last time, it was interesting because the last time that I really
felt like an intimacy with the Lord was when I was, I don't remember, I think I had a sitter
here.
And I was praying, and I forget what I was praying about specifically, but I was remembering
like back when we lived in Montana, before I was married, we lived in a beautiful place.
And like, it was just gorgeous.
And I would sit outside, like often, like by myself, and I just felt like that was the
time when like my roots with the Lord just went really deep.
And I felt, I feel like at that time, I did feel loved by God, like I felt safe.
And I felt like I was, well, I felt like anything was possible, you know?
And like, everything was, and I mean, I'm sure some of that has to do with just, you
know, the time of life I was in.
But I remember just during prayer a month ago, or whatever it was, as I was remembering
this and just like talking to the Lord about it, I was like, you know, I feel like this
is for the first time in a long time, like a glimpse of what I used to feel back then.
And then in that, I don't know, during that same time with the Lord, I realized that we
had scheduled a trip to Montana in October.
And I mean, it just came to me while I was talking to the Lord about all this stuff,
that I scheduled it for exactly seven years, like to the day that we moved here to Pennsylvania.
Yeah, and I just really felt, yeah, and I felt like it was really significant.
And I mean, I'm not sure why, and I actually texted Arnold right away, because it was just
like, it felt like, you know how in a movie, when all of a sudden somebody like has a thought
or something, and everything just like spins past them and fast forward?
That's how it felt.
And he right away was like, wow, like, I don't know, we were both just kind of wondering
what the Lord has for us.
Oh, nap time is exhausting.
I hear the door creaking again.
Is it Lori?
Oh, that's cute.
I have a feeling he's going to try to sneak over to Monty again.
And play?
Well, Monty's playing on his little, he has a little watch that has games on it that Eric
gave him.
And Lori wants to go over and watch him play with it, I think.
Maybe he'll fall asleep while he does that.
So anyway.
So y'all were wondering about what, if God meant something by the seven years to the
day?
Yeah, I always pay attention to stuff like that.
I mean, because he's done stuff like that to me before.
And I always saw, in fact, he's done it a gajillion times.
And I stop and I, for one thing, I treasure it between me and the Lord.
Oh, God, you gave me this gift.
I acknowledge that it's him talking to me.
And I'm so appreciative.
I'm so thankful.
I use it as a way to connect with him, not the gift itself, but to just, okay.
And basically acknowledge, okay, you're talking to me.
You know me, you remember me, you have good things for me.
I don't know what's going to come of this.
I don't know what it means, but I'm going to take it.
And I'm going to fully, it's like, I fully, I acknowledge that I acknowledge it in such
a way that I fully receive it as hope.
And like, it's this package of something that God is going to be opening over time.
So in other words, I'm going to see more of him talking to me.
I'm going to see more of these things.
I'm going to be expectant that there's abundance.
that's going to unfold in my life, in what way, and in what area, and at what time, I don't know.
But I always take it like that. And God loves that. God loves when we fully acknowledge and
take something as Him being good, or as Him providing, or as Him being one of the things
that He says that He is. And then when we do that, He'll increase it. He'll do more of it.
So yeah, that's wonderful. Those things aren't weird. They're not superstitious. It's not being
too detailed. Those are ways that God talks to us. There's more detail in the way that God
interacts and arranges things than we realize and give Him credit for. And so I think that's
great. It's very exciting. You know, you feel seen. Yeah, yeah, I know. And I feel like that
was the first time in a long time that I've been like, oh, maybe God is still interested in my
life. And I know He is. I feel like there's just been a lot of weird things that I can't put my
finger on where they're coming from. Like I told Arnold, I feel like I can usually know where I
can say, oh yeah, I feel this way because. And now I'm just like, I just feel like there's an
Eiffel Tower of becauses that I can't like take apart anymore. And my life has been free of
significant trauma for a very long time. And I feel like I should be, I don't know, I feel like
I should be stable or something by now instead of just feeling like I, I don't know, just go back
and forth. And I feel like so easily offended by literally anything, like anything. And
I am sensitive about everything everyone says. And I'm just like, what is my problem? Like I told
Arnold, I just feel like I want to go into this shell. I don't want to pursue friendships. I just,
I just want to like not do anything. And I don't want anyone to see me.
And I hate it. And the other thing too, is I feel extremely sensitive. Well, actually one thing that
really blew up in my face was, or blew up just as a conversation was, I don't know if you know who
Dale Partridge is or not. Do you know who that is?
No, but I think that when I've been with all of y'all, y'all mentioned his name here and there.
Yeah. He's like old, old, like, I mean, not old, old, but he's like, well, he's like,
old, old, like, I mean, not old, old, but he's like one of y'all's like path, like fathers of
the faith kind of thing. Right. Not that old, but like more recent. Like he's one of those people,
they all quote a lot, or he was an old pastor or something.
Dale Partridge is like a, he's like in his forties, I think. And he's a Calvinist. Anyway,
and he's very outspoken about like really controversial subjects. And there's like,
okay. I don't know. It's like, I think, I think Josh has mentioned him before
and maybe his dad likes him or something. I don't remember. I'm not sure. Are you thinking of,
I think you're thinking of somebody else. It's not Churchill. It's David Ravenhill.
Oh, okay. All right. That's a different guy. Anyway. So this Dale Partridge guy, like I said,
he likes to speak out on controversial topics and he likes to talk about biblical patriarchy,
which is very triggering. And anyway, so he had this whole podcast about why women should not
teach theology. And he literally went as far to say as that it's better that women,
that there be no women's Bible studies and that there's a Bible study that's led by women.
And I know, I know that I should know not to be affected by stuff like this,
but my poor unsuspecting husband, well, it was funny because Loretta, she, I think she called me
or something. We got started talking about it. She's like, did you see that podcast from Dale
Partridge or whatever? And I was like, yeah, well, like, you know, I can't actually talk
about it because I'm too mad anyway. And, but anyway, what happened was I forget how Arnold
and I got started talking about this. It's partly because our neighbor is a Calvinist and he's very,
like he's told me, you know, that the reason that women can't preach is because they're
more easily deceived than men. And I, I know that I shouldn't, even if people think that,
or even if it's true, like it shouldn't even bother me, you know, I should just be so happy
to be like a stupid woman. Yeah. Anyway. And, but Arnold and I started talking about this and I
just got madder and madder and madder because first of all, if Arnold knows that I refuse to
talk about stuff like this, he's going to be mad at me. And I know that he's going to be mad at me.
thing. He's like, No, like, we're going to talk about this.
If you're so mad that you can't even talk about this, then
But I'm like, okay, I'm going to be mad at you. And I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to
there's there's something wrong here. So anyway, and at the end
of the whole conversation, I was like, I feel like at the bottom
of all of these things, every time I hear something from you
know, a Calvinist or somebody talking about anything to do
with women in Christianity, you know, being somehow like we have
to be really careful to stay in our role, you know, and all this
stuff. I just feel like at the bottom of it all is this fear
that like, God doesn't quite see us. Like he sees men. Or he's
just like, well, I created men because that was like my first
plan. And then I was just like, like, I just added the woman as
an accessory, you know. And I was talking to my friend,
Priscilla about this. And yeah, believe it or not, her name is
Priscilla. And she's in her 40s. She's a good friend of mine.
And we were just talking about different things like this. And
she's just like, you know, she knows that there's there's
things in the Bible that would that would make sense, you know,
if that's the way it was, but she's just like, just what she
knows of the Lord. She's like, she's just thinks she's just
sure we're misinterpreting it somehow, you know, this whole
thing of women. I don't know all of that weird stuff. Yeah, that's
the way that I feel too. But then at the same time, I just
don't know. And I feel like that probably has something to do
with the blockage of why I just don't feel quite as valuable in
God's kingdom as men. And and plus, you know, Arnold and I do
have very different roles, if you will, than some men and
women from our background, like, I would tend to be a little more
like, have more of a vision and really like vision cast for the
family. And I'm always like asking Arnold what he thinks
about stuff, but I like I make a lot of financial decisions, or I
mean, we usually make them together. But anyway, so we
definitely don't fit the narrative of like this nice
little Mennonite couple. And I think usually I think I'm okay
with it until it goes like a long time that we see our
counselor. And then I'm like, Well, yeah, we probably are not
living in the right order. And I just need to erase everything
that I thought that I've known about God. And I need to just
start over with this like, blank slate of no, like my mission in
life is to just I don't know, I don't actually know. So, yeah, I
know, it's a lot. And I don't know if it all is connected or
not. But all that to say, I feel like very sensitive whenever
anybody says anything, as far as I don't know, I just feel on
edge all the time. And everything that people say, it
just affects me. And, you know, I just feel super easily
offended. And I don't know why.
And you've always been this way. Or you're saying that this is
one of the issues that you feel has just gotten stronger lately
or
I feel like it's during vulnerable times of my life, I
feel like this really badly.
So it's always there, you know, just like surface.
Yeah, like when I feel when I feel healthy, I am usually like,
pretty level headed and confident and whatever. And just
this week, somebody that had wanted me to do her hair and
makeup for her wedding, called me back and she's like, she just
wasn't happy with our trial run. And so she decided to go with
somebody else for her hair. And but she still wants me to come
to her makeup, you know, and I'm just like, please no or no.
Yeah, yeah, I'm doing her makeup. But I just feel so
humiliated beyond words like that I that I have to go and
this other hairdresser is going to be there. And I know that it
doesn't even have anything to do with this. Like it doesn't even
have anything to do with my skill level it. I just I told
Arnold like I feel like I'm always like a couple not just
below excellent. And I just feel so stupid. Like that's just how
I feel right now in my life. I just feel dumb around everybody.
And I know I can't even stand myself like I just want to be
confident. And I want to be able to like not I don't know. Yeah.
I don't know. I feel like I'm being very confusing and
dramatic. No, I think if you think you're dramatic, you're
being expressive, you know, about and to our into
articulate and reveal the feelings of what it is that
you're really believing. If it makes you feel any better. I'm
struggling with the same thing. I'm feeling stupid around
everybody I'm around right now. My husband, my best friends, my
family
That's how I feel right now. And so I know, I don't always feel that way. But when I'm vulnerable,
that's when it's processed. And so I know that right now, God's has me, you know, like I told
you to say, God's have me on a sabbatical right now for ministry, and then Julie, and I'm just
focused on, on, you know, healing. And this is and so therefore, this stuff is coming up. And
it's stuff that, you know, just have to, in the, in the issue, the ultimate issue is that
we don't believe that we are enough as we are with God, that God is enough for us,
that us in our relationship with him, meaning like who we are to God,
God identifies our full value. And so that's just something that, you know, people are working on
right now. And, and one of the, one of the things that really helped me is I, I went to the Lord,
I closed my eyes, and I, and I just imagined, I imagined a garden. So I recommend that you know,
you go through this exercise on your own with the Lord is you first of all, you put yourself
in like a very safe place, meaning like, and in your imagination, like, for some people,
it might be in the woods, or it might be on the beach. For me, my safe, peaceful place where I
felt like perfectly secure within my own home, with no one there. So if I was in my own home,
that was my favorite place. So I was literally I did this just the other day, maybe you
a week and a day ago, I did this and I was in there. And I pictured myself, I closed my eyes,
and yet I picture myself in that in that house. Like this is where I felt, you know, I love this
environment, I feel very safe. And then I pictured a garden off to the side. And that, that, and then
I, and then immediately, you know, when I said, Oh, you know, there's, when I thought, okay,
there's going to be this garden immediately was a garden filled with like my favorite things.
It's like, well, if I could imagine, you know, my favorite garden, what is it? So it was like,
perfectly surrounded by a white picket fence, and it had these gorgeous, vibrant blooms on all the,
on all the plants. And I just loved it. And then I, there was this, I knew that there was something
bad in there. I was being guided through this whole thing. Someone was telling me kind of like,
Hey, do this, you know, Hey, look, look, and you see a garden. So imagine what's in that garden.
And I'm seeing all these pretty things. I said, and then they said, okay, imagine that there is
this ugly thing in the garden. There's this bad thing. There's a weed. That's what they call it.
There's a weed. And I'm telling you what immediately I thought in my imagination.
So I knew that the Lord was guiding me in it. I mean, because it's not, you don't have fast enough
to think, you know, so immediately I thought in my, in my imagination, and it was this horrible,
ugly, dead, scraggly bush of a thing. I don't know what it used to be, but whatever it was,
it was awful. And it had no leaves on it. It would no flowers. It was perfectly dead. And
it was just ugly and scraggly and just dead. And it was hanging, it was taller than anything else
and hanging over some of the other flowers and meaning that it was old. It was more established
than any of the other flowers. And it was very, and it was dead. Everything else is vibrant and
alive. And this thing was dead. And so I asked God to name it for me, God, what is in my garden?
That is so bad. And he said, Ashley, that is who you have defined and identified yourself to be to
yourself. That is that bush. That dead bush is who you told yourself to yourself that you are.
You defined you, you described you to yourself and, and you made yourself live according to
that definition. And that is what that looks like. It was dead and it was ugly and it was horrid.
And so this is not who God said that I was. This was my sense of self. And it was worse than that.
It wasn't just like, oh, this is who I thought God made me. It was, I had, I had told myself,
this is who I was. I made the dad gun thing. God didn't plan, didn't make it like that. I did.
And so I, what I did is I grabbed it up and I uprooted it and I put it in a box and I gave it
to Jesus. Jesus just absorbed it into himself. Like he, I just gave it to him to, to surrender
my sense of self and how I had defined myself to be, which again, is the root of all of this stuff.
The fact that I feel stupid around other people right now, the fact that, you know, I just feel,
I don't know, I'm just insecure and I'm like, do I know anything? And, you know, and I don't know,
I like me, but I feel like I'm behind. I feel like I'm behind other people.
I felt like everybody else is further in life.
They, they figured things out, but I haven't, I'm not, I'm not smart enough
and mature enough to be 40 next year.
I mean, I'm just like, I don't, I don't feel like I've lived my life effectively
and efficiently to be that right.
So all of that's wrapped up in it.
So anyway, I put it in the box, gave it to Jesus, and then Jesus can do whatever
he wants with it when you give it to him, when you put it in a box.
And now I was with someone else when they were being guided while we
were being guided through this.
And theirs was a small weed.
Mine was this horrible, ugly bush.
So everybody's going to get kind of a different image from the
Lord about what they, about what he says, that that thing gives you a
visual of what your problem is that he wants to deal with my, the other
person that was going through this, theirs was pride.
That's what the Lord told them.
They were shocked.
They were like, really?
And that's the, that's the word the Lord gave them for me.
God said, that's your sense of self being.
So anyway, you have to give it to Jesus and Jesus turned away from me
and just absorb the box into himself.
And because that thing, nothing ugly and bad can exist within him.
It disappeared and like evaporated as if it had never existed.
Then the thing where that bush had been was replaced by a fully grown,
fully in bloom, vibrant green leaves, vibrant pink and roses, rosebush.
I mean, boom, it didn't have to grow.
It wasn't a seed like, Hey, you know what?
You wasted all this time.
Now we got to start over.
It was fully mature as if it had always been there.
And it was the same size as the other bush.
Only this was fully alive.
Again, I'm not trying to make this up, meaning like while I'm doing this,
I'm not trying to pick, Oh, what I'd like to see and what I hope it's
true or what I hope isn't true.
Or what do I think is the biggest issue I have to deal with?
It's like you empty your mind and your expectation of what you're
going to get out of this exercise.
You completely give it up and you just ask God, God, please show me, please tell me.
And then the first thing that comes into your mind or the first thing that comes
into your, um, into, you know, your, your mind or the first, you know, like the
first word or the first picture or the whatever, and you just go with it.
You just trust it and go with it.
Cause again, you're submitting yourself to the Lord in this exercise.
So you don't have to worry about Satan or the devil or somebody
coming in and like messing with it.
You're in a, in a safe environment where God's fully in control.
And, um, and then you start seeing, you start getting a visual for the real
issues, the name of it and how to deal and how to deal with it.
And then, um, what, what God says is actually the truth.
And because it's a visual, it's helpful as opposed to just words and concepts.
Oh, God says you're loved.
And God says you're this conceptually.
It all sounds great, but we've heard that our whole lives and it hasn't worked.
So seeing the visual, when you're asking God, God, who am I?
What do I look like?
Give me a picture, give me a whatever.
And then what are the issues that are currently have?
What does it currently look like in my life?
You know, that kind of thing is just helpful to kind of, I
don't know, solidify it to us.
Because what we tend to see is the thing that we tend to latch onto.
So if we see it, then it tends to be very helpful as opposed
to just some word in our head.
Um, so if that, if that, you know, encouraging at all, um, I'm
struggling with the same thing.
And when I went through that exercise last week, that's what God showed me.
Um, so that all sounds great.
And it provided me with some, some healing, but it, the healing felt very small.
And I knew that it meant that I now I'm going to have to walk it out.
So it's great.
You know, that, that, that that's what God said, but I now have to walk out the
fact that I'm choosing by faith, that that's actually true if that's true.
And if I believe it, how now shall I live?
Who now am I?
What would I do?
What will I do now?
And so that's what God's teaching me now.
It's like, okay, Ashley, I've, I've given you the concepts, but now you
need to walk it out in your daily life.
When you're in the middle of people and you're having a conversation and you're
just like, why can't I keep up?
Or, you know, why are they not interested in talking to me or why whatever?
And then you're tempted to start thinking and believing things.
And then that you have to remember, no, this, that old temptation, that old
fear is based off of who I've been saying that I am it.
And so I don't want to continue to tell me that is who you are.
You were, you were this ugly thing, this whatever, you know?
Um, because God gives us the authority to identify ourselves.
And by that, what I mean is like, like Adam naming the animals.
God created the animals, but Adam named them.
And in the name, there's a description of like,
of, you know, there's an aspect of it
that's carried in a name that kind of embodies
the characteristics of that animal,
how it shall operate and what it should do,
what it'll be like and whatever.
So he co-created with God, he didn't create it by himself,
he didn't create the giraffe, God created the giraffe,
but by naming it, it was a co-creation with the Lord
where Adam had an authority and a power
to speak something over the animal
that it now has to carry out for the rest of its existence.
We do the same thing with ourselves.
God creates us and God identifies us,
but he allows us to either agree with them
and speak that to ourselves,
meaning like agreeing with it,
or we're saying the opposite.
And what I had been doing my whole life
is I've been saying the opposite.
Why?
Because I thought that that's what God had said about me.
I thought that that's what, you know,
I was understanding by all of the,
every time that I felt like I failed my parents,
that I, they thought they said that I disobeyed
or my teacher said I'd done something wrong.
And I'm like, okay, apparently,
apparently they're right about me
or whatever it is that I'm thinking that they said
and then thinking what it means about me.
I'm just, I'm now telling myself that's who you are
and you need to fix you.
You need to be better than that.
You are better than that.
God says, you're better than that.
You know, step two, dah, dah, dah.
I'm co-creating and I'm making the problem worse
because I'm actually declaring to myself,
you're this, you're that, you're whatever.
And now I'm, it obligates me
to carry out those negative things.
And God said, that's not who I said you're to be.
So when I'm in these situations now,
I have to make, I have to choose,
okay, I'm not going to choose that I'm stupid.
I'm being tempted by this situation
in thinking that about myself, something wrong with me.
I'm not fast enough.
I'm not further enough along in my maturity
as I should be for somebody who's almost 40.
I should have done this by now.
I should have done this by now, whatever.
You know, like for instance, I've never had a,
I've never owned my own home.
I don't fully understand.
I know generally, obviously, how a mortgage works.
I've never had to work out a mortgage.
I've never had to, what do you call it?
I've never had to negotiate a closing.
I don't know about any of them.
And I'm almost 40.
I've never had a child.
I've never had to raise one.
You know, most people, some people that are my age
are close to being grandparents.
You know, it depends on how young they were,
especially, you know, in the Amish
or the Midnight community,
they all married a lot younger than we did.
I did in my culture.
So therefore, you know, they're being grandparents.
And I'm like, I don't even know what it's like
to be pregnant.
I feel behind in normal life,
not being a singer, being an actress,
no, normal life and what is considered to be,
what do you call it?
Like what makes a woman a woman?
That's another thing that I'm struggling with.
Not in certain aspect.
I'm very feminine,
but in certain aspects, not feeling woman enough.
There's ways in which all of us women feel that way
to some degree or another,
whether it's, you know,
whether we feel that, you know, sexually,
or we're feeling that, you know,
in our interactions with other women,
or I don't know, whatever,
or in our motherhood or whatnot.
There's some aspect in which we think
that we're not meeting some standard of womanhood.
And we think that means if I'm a woman,
if I'm identifying myself as a woman,
I'm like, and by identifying myself,
meaning like, I think that the root of my existence
is my gender.
And it's not, it's deeper than that.
But anyway, if I'm identifying with those things,
then I'm just like, I'm just not matching up.
I'm not.
So my point is that in those situations,
I have to choose.
Okay, no, that's what I'm always saying
over what I've used to say over myself.
That's what I've, God showed me in that picture
that that's who I've told myself I am.
And now what I have to choose,
I have to choose to walk out in faith.
In other words, put action to my faith
that that rosebush that God gave me a picture of
is actually who I am.
That that scraggly thing really was taken away
because I went through that process with him.
He showed it to me, he took it away,
he absorbed it into himself.
I have to choose that that really happened.
Not that I just like made it up,
but meaning like that concept of who I was
was something that Jesus had victory over.
That's my point.
Not that they're really with a bush and God absorbed it.
I don't mean that.
I don't mean it literally.
I just mean that what that was representing.
But the process I was going through in my soul and in my spirit with the Lord,
Lord, you know, I'm giving this to you and whatever.
And he says that he absorbed it.
I have to choose if it's true.
I have to choose that it's no longer there.
And that, that Rosebush is really who I am.
And now I have to choose it in that very difficult moment when
I'm sitting there feeling stupid.
I have to choose.
No, that's not who I am.
I am going to identify myself to myself because I'm given that
same power and authority.
Like Adam, it's almost like I'm an animal, an animal that I, as Adam or
naming, you know, I have to choose to identify myself as something different.
I have to choose to agree with God and be a co-creator and speak over me.
The same thing that God said that I was, God showed me who I was.
I'm the one who asked to speak that to me because I can be that all
I want in the Lord and God said that this is who you are.
But if I don't agree with it, I don't get to live it out.
I was like, that's the part that actually makes it makes
you get to experience it.
You're still are it, but you only get to experience being it.
If you identify, and if you tell yourself in your own authority that God
gave you over you, this is who you are.
I've named you.
I have the power to name you what, and to describe you and to have
you carry out whatever I say.
And I'm going to only tell you the things that God said are true about me.
And I ha and that is how I'm having to, that is how I'm having to carry out the
things that God tells me are true about me is it's not just the concept and having
gone through that experience and engagement with the Lord is God is just God giving
me a direction and for him to tell me the truth, that's not going to fix it.
Cause guess what?
This whole week I've been in situations where it's actually felt worse.
I felt more stupid, more things have come up and I'm like, God's just like,
Ashley, but I told you that that's not true.
So no, you're going to have to actually agree with me in order to finally get to
live, no longer feeling or believing that you're stupid, that you're behind, that
you're whatever.
And then, and I wish I knew how to explain this better, but in all of that, there's
this freedom and there's still like this letting go the way that you and I have
lived life so far is very heavy.
We're carrying all kinds of things and we don't realize how heavy life feels going
through it.
And so we no longer obligate ourselves to believing certain things about us,
believing certain things about God, carrying all those negative things or
fears or thinking others, always having something in your mind that you're trying
to fix.
Oh, I need to work with my leaders on this.
I need to work with my kids on this.
You can have those as things that you're doing, but not as something that, that is
like, Oh, what I'm, what am I doing right now in my life?
Well, right now I'm working on this right now.
I'm working on that.
That's not who I am.
That doesn't define my, the going with my current journey.
It's just one of the many things that I'm doing right now.
And I have to switch my mind to making it one of many things I'm doing as opposed to
this is, uh, this is my, I don't know, kind of like the focus and the, it kind of like
as if I'm trying to get legitimate legitimacy of my, for my existence.
What am I fixing right now?
That gives me legitimacy and protection and safety, you know, because I'm working
on something, I'm trying to make it better.
I'm trying to avoid bad things that could happen, you know, et cetera.
So anyway, I've, I've talked for a while, um, that, uh, what are your thoughts?
Um, well, I'm going to run and check on Lori real quick.
Cause I just don't want him to be like using nail polish or anything like that.
And then I will share my thoughts when I get back.
All right.
And I'm going to go take some drops of medicine real quick.
I'll be right back.
I'm going to go take some drops of medicine real quick.
I'll be right back.
you
have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me and I will be happy to answer them.
Thank you.
Okay.
Sorry about that.
It was good timing.
I needed it.
I was due for my dose.
So, no problem.
All right.
Anyway.
Yes.
So, and I feel like when I was back, back when I was fresh out of the rest intensive,
I feel like that was my, if I, if it would be like a word picture and you can imagine
like, I don't know, like a hill and there's like a long hill and then, you know, it comes
back down over the other side.
I felt like I climbed up like almost to the top, you know what I mean?
And, and I didn't quite get to the top.
And so then I just slid back down to the bottom and started feeling again, like, no, like
I need all of these like methods and all of these, all of these like methods.
Can you hear me okay with these?
I just, I just didn't understand what you were saying, but you said, okay, yeah.
And I feel like I just had this thing where I feel like this almost like a desperation
to know like, what is the purpose of my life?
You know, like what is, I just feel like this thing where I, I just want to like wake up
one day and know like, oh my goodness, this is my purpose.
This is, this is who I am.
Like just even writing an Instagram bio is just like, I don't even know how to do it
because I'm like, well, who am I?
I feel like I'm a squirrel that's interested in all these different things all the time.
And I'm not really ever interested in one.
And I feel like, yeah, this desperation to be able to define myself in one way that says,
this is who I am and that's never going to change.
But yeah, the other thing I told Arnold is I feel like I can't, I feel like I have this
dreadful sense of like being the only one in my own life.
Does that make sense?
Like I feel like I'm the only one who, who's stuck here and I can't, I cannot, I can't
really well relay where I'm at to anyone.
I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Like it just ends up, yeah, it just ends up feeling like I'm alone in my own life when
I'm not like, I know that I'm surrounded by people, but it's yeah.
Just that sense of being lonely.
And I think that's.
part of what is driving me to to like want a purpose like I want I want to be able to be
known I feel unknown by myself and by God and by others and sorry oh that's okay there we go
my alarm went off for my dose and so I had to stop it okay Monty what
yeah we will but you have to go nap first it's gonna be a late it's gonna be a late
night tonight because we have to clean afterwards you may not lay down here you have to go upstairs
go come on in your bed this time in your own bed yes sweetie anyway yeah yeah yeah I feel I feel
unknown and I think that's another thing that I've heard the term for is like where you feel
like you're outside of your life looking in like where you're not actually in your life or you're
not actually so I feel even like disconnected from me mm-hmm yeah so yeah and yeah I think
that's that's probably the biggest thing is like what you said like and I think it's I know in my
head that I think everybody feels that way too but then that almost infuriates me more it's like
surely surely there's some way to get to a place where you don't feel behind all the time or you
don't feel like not smart enough or not I don't know like in other words it doesn't I don't know
how to say what I'm thinking like in other words I'm glad that other people can understand but I
also like I don't want that to be the end of it I don't want people to just be able to understand
I'm not talking about like you sharing your story with me that's not what I'm talking about in other
words it's not even enough that people relate to me I want to know that like it doesn't have to
stay like this right well is that you know I I feel like this panic that like I know that I've
always been a very idealistic person but is that just what I am like am I like am I just hoping
for something that's not there no you know what I mean no because like am I a perfectionist you
know am I expecting perfection out of my life or why is it that I just always feel like I don't
know the moments of feeling like fool are very few and far between well like FUL yeah yeah well
remember what I was but I was thinking and I see lost my train of thought oh you were saying that
it's not enough for people to know so oh yeah idealism so yeah I've I've been told that I'm
very idealistic as well and I but I've been only told that recently being like I don't know past
like year or whatever and and I was like no I'm not but and I never been told that before and I
realized well so what does that mean how does that play out in my life and I realized that it
meant because I always liked my and like there were specific things that I want out of life you
know there's specific things that we want our life to look like that we want out of life or whatever
so it's like well I God created a beautiful world with with it where life is supposed to be better
than we can eat them we even hope for or dream and that's his intention and his in a manner
speaking his expectation he's just like of course it's going to you know this is the way I created
it it with abundance I'm like yeah but why am I not living it you know and then whatever so that
whole idealist idealism that I used to think was that I just had high standards and I believed that
I believed the truth God really created life to be like this and he expected it to be like this
and everybody else doesn't expect God to be that good that's how what I thought and I've actually
come to understand how my idealism in the areas
is that I was idealistic about life, why it's actually a problem and why it's
not, why it's idealistic and it's not realistic.
And that's because I have put, I have misunderstood the meaning of
life in various, various areas.
Like in various areas of life, I've misunderstood the meaning.
I've misunderstood the purpose.
I've misunderstood where we were going.
And that's why it was idealistic.
It wasn't that the standard was too high and that God's really not that good.
And Ashley, come back down to earth, you know, be realistic.
You know, God doesn't do stuff like that because I was like, no, I know he does.
I know he means our life to be more and bigger and more colorful and
more vibrant and better than it is.
Um, but the idealism is the fact that God means this, this is
what everybody else believes.
So to speak, I'm just being very simplistic.
This is what everybody else believes.
This is what God says he wants to give us and that he's created
for us to grab ahold of.
And this is me.
I'm like way over here and it's, it sure it's higher than all of these other
people, but it's not what God wants.
And so therefore what the good thing is that my idealism is actually too short.
And it's not that it's too short down here.
It's that I've just misunderstood.
I gave it, I gave certain aspects of life, different meaning
that I thought God gave them.
And God's like, that's not what I'm talking about, you know, but I
thought that's what he meant.
And God's like, no, no, no.
If you choose, if you actually follow through and experience the abundance
that I created and that I meant it's a lot better than your idealism.
And that's why your idealism falls short.
It's because this is actually better.
This is what you were created to want and to need and to be satisfied
by, to fill full and to fill abundance.
And then this over here will look cheap once you discover this, but you
don't even know this exists, so you don't even know to want it.
But I did create something in you to want that's longing for something,
but you can't, you can't land on what it is.
You can't articulate for yourself what that thing is that you're longing for.
So you make something up.
You're trying to interpret the Bible.
You're trying to interpret, you know, what other people say or what other
people see as an idealistic life or how they live in a particular way.
And then from on the outside, it looks great to you.
And that's what you want.
You think that's what it looks good, but God is the one who knows what it
really looks like in their home or what life really looks on, you know, in
their heart or in their emotions to have a life like that, and it might
be stressful, it might be whatever.
And we create this idea, this idealism that's actually fall short of actually
satisfying what it is we really want.
And so that's where the idealism is actually a problem.
It's it's so what it is that, so here's my point, what it is you're longing
for and what it is you want and what you expect, you expect things to be better.
You expect things to be like what you're referring to as perfectionism
and idealism, whatever that, whatever it is you're longing for, not the
thing itself, but just that longing in you is accurate, there is something
to satisfy that you and I put a picture to it, put a name to it, put a word
to it, and God's like, that's not it.
So because that's not it and we can't ever get to it, we're, we're just,
we're always dissatisfied because you can never get to it because it doesn't exist.
That's like, that's, that's not what I'm talking about.
You know, I'm talking about this thing over here.
So anyway, if it's helpful, I'm kind of going through the same thing of like,
okay, uh, and what I'm having to do in order to actually discover what the,
and be able to live the abundance that God actually provided in various areas
of our lives, you know, marriage and kids and, you know, housing and in travel
and in work and ministry and everything, you know, just whatever relationship
with the Lord, whatever, I don't know what it is.
So I don't know where I'm heading.
So the only way to get there, because if, if I was supposed to know, God would
have told me, and I'm sure that he does, you know, reveal certain things, you
know, over time, but the majority of stuff is revealed as we get there.
Not before we get there.
It's like, once we get there, God's like, this is it.
That's God's revelation to us.
Not, Hey, I'm going to show you something that you haven't gotten to yet.
It's like, I'm talking to Abraham, go to the land.
I will show you.
Abraham didn't know the land until he stood on it and then he could see it.
You can see it before then.
So anyway, what I'm having to do, and so I recommend for you as well.
It's again, that whole thing that I talk about, it's the letting go.
It's the letting go of, of what I thought.
you know, what we thought was the meaning, or we thought we wanted, or we thought was
the best of the best, or what we thought was perfect, and just no longer going for it,
no longer shooting for it, no longer expecting it. And it's not that we're giving up,
because instead, we keep that same longing, and we just, but we no longer, we disconnect
it from this thing. We keep it, but we disconnect it. So all of those other people, and I'm just
painting this with a broad brush. I'm not, you know, speaking judgment, you know, against anybody
or whatever. I'm just talking in general. So many other people are down here, and they're just like,
this is all we can expect. So they've learned to stifle that longing. And you, on the other hand,
you, you just, you refused to let go of something that God has given you, which is the longing and
the yearning for something. That's a gift from the Lord, because the Lord intends to satisfy that.
And you were bound and determined no one was going to take that from you, because there's something
instinctively in you that knows it's good, that knows it's right. There's an aspect of you that
your existence needs it in order to continue, right? And these other people have just stopped.
They're like, no, you know, this is all we can expect. This is how bad life is, or this is as
good as it gets. This is what God intended, and whatever. And so you have probably thought like
I did, that if you let go of this, you'd have to settle for this. That this meant letting go,
letting go of this meant letting go of longing and yearning, and of letting go of not ever
arriving at the higher, at the better. And it's not true. You just disconnect it from this thing,
so that God can finally show you what it really is. Because as long as we're grabbed ahold of this,
that's all we can see. And so we can't see it when God gives us something better. We can't
recognize it when it comes. Because we're just like, yeah, but it's not this. And God's like,
yeah, but you don't want that. Trust me, I created you to want this. But you didn't know to ask me for
this. So the only way you can recognize it is to get your eyes off this and to look at this instead.
So if it's any encouragement at all, I'm going through the same thing. So and it's hard to
actually let go without just without being disappointed. In other words, without bottoming
out, and no longer longing or yearning. So that's hard, because you and I have always ever longed
for something that we put a picture to that we had a word for that we Oh, this is what it's
supposed to be. And so keep that you don't have to let go of it and then be where everybody else
is. You keep that. And then God can now use that to actually allow you to finally arrive at the
abundance that he created people who've given up, they won't get to arrive there.
But if you keep that longing that yearning, you will get to arrive there.
Maybe this make any sense? Yeah, no, it does make sense. Yeah. Yeah. So that's very good.
You know, and in everything that you've been describing about yourself, your frustrations
that, hey, you know, I felt like I was the rest of those there. And I almost, you know,
went over the top and, and everything. I'm like, that's exactly what I'd always kind of felt is
it's like, I felt so bad for her. So it's like, it's just, it's right there. She and she can't
quite and she's frustrated because she can't quite, you know, breakthrough is kind of how I
how I was thinking about it. I was thinking about it also, you know, when you reached out to me,
and then I was praying about it with the Lord and everything. That's what I thought, Lord,
this is and I've told her that I said, Lord, this is what I've always seen for Priscilla,
is she's just waiting for that breakthrough, because she hasn't gotten it yet. And so I asked
the Lord's like, Lord, can you help me hear from you what would help what she can do or what,
I don't know, articulate something in a way where, you know, her spirit resonates with you knowing,
oh, that's it. You know, she gets breakthrough. But um, so anyway, I've always had a I was at
a heart for you, because I've always loved that you wanted it. And you were just trying to figure
out how to get it. So whenever I visited with you over the past, oh, wow, it's been three years now.
So whenever I visited with you over the past three years, that's what I've always had. I've always
tried to come at it a bit different. Let's try talking is saying it this way. And let's try
saying it this way. And, but, but, um, you're very in, you're like me.
very, very entrenched in specific ideas about what is true.
And it's, it's stiff and, and it was, and it's stiff because that's where you protected
yourself.
That's where I protected myself.
And it took me a very, very, very long time for the Lord to, uh, to, for the Lord to make
me soft enough so that I could hear him.
And for me, I broke, I mean, my spirit didn't break or something, meaning like, you know,
people talk about, you know, breaking somebody else's spirit or whatever it wouldn't like
that.
I've gotten close.
I've gotten within a month or two of my whole entire spirit, just being completely broken
beyond repair.
And so, but my point is that it's you just being who it is that you are and the way,
and that's a good thing.
God created you the way that you are.
There's nothing wrong with it.
It has a purpose and everything.
So there's nothing wrong with you, but I keep trying to figure out, okay, how can, um, how
does God intend to explain this to you in a way that break that, that finally, you know,
gets through and lets you know that you don't have, basically, this is my point, to let
you know that you being so strong and so stiff, meaning stiff isn't like your ideas
of things or whatever, because this is what God said and whatever, feeling safe enough
to grab a hold of something that isn't, that doesn't fit in that stiffness, in that structure.
Does that make sense?
I couldn't do that.
I just flat out couldn't.
And so God brought me to the point of, of, um, of just being broken.
So there I've, I've wanted something different for you where you could, um, cause for me,
the bottom fell out of all, uh, all of my life, relationship, finances, and business,
the bottom fell out of everything.
Um, but I've known, I was like, God, you watched me through that so that other people wouldn't,
not everyone would have to go through that.
So anyway, just FYI, I, um, I'm here with you, I, you know, I know that you're going
to be able to, um, that you're going to be able to, you know, get a breakthrough.
Um, and so I've asked the Lord, well, what are some simple things that she can do that
will help get some breakthroughs?
So there's a couple of things that I've thought of, um, because basically it's like, here's,
here's my point.
When I was saying everything about being stiff, that's not a negative thing.
What I was saying is it's like, um, what is it?
It's, um, like you've got all of these expectations that you think are on you or that you have
of yourself and you're always trying to hold them up.
That's what I'm trying to say.
You're trying, that's what I mean when I'm saying that things are stiff is cause that
can usually have a negative connotation and that's not what I mean.
All I mean is that you're, you're trying to hold everything and you can't move or the
whole thing's going to fall apart.
You know, that's your, the mentality or whatever.
So it's like, well, Lord, what are some little things that'll break that mindset that she'll
know that she can let something go and it won't all fall apart.
Hey, sweetheart, how are you?
You're getting bigger.
Can you hear her?
She may not remember me.
It's been a year.
She doesn't remember you.
She can't hear you cause I met her back then.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
And, uh, and so one of the things is, uh, is, uh, we, uh, is you just kind of can break
out of, uh, like a, like a, kind of like a mental routine, you know, if that makes sense.
And so one of the things that you can do is, um, it's been a long time, uh, is, uh, uh,
is, um, setting, like stopping something like stopping a project or whatever, when you're
in the middle of it and just spending time with the Lord for like, it could be two minutes,
could be five minutes, could be 15 minutes, you know, whatever.
And you're either like worshiping to it out loud, to a CD, or you are reading the Bible
or you're just simply walk out to the walk out to y'all's little river Creek by y'all.
And you just like, think about, you know, just meditate on the Lord, just thinking about
on the court.
He created the leaves like that.
And he created the river like that and he did whatever, just really giving him your
presence in order to enjoy his presence, not learn about him, but just whatever.
important thing about leaving a project undone is that goes probably very much against your grain,
just like it does mine. It's because it's the thing of that, that whole idea of holding everything
internally, and we do the same thing with our projects. We're holding everything
and we can't let it down. And so you break out of that, but you begin to kind of like break
that mindset at, by purposefully stopping in the middle of, of a project that's not done.
And if doing it for five minutes won't work, you can spend time with the Lord for five minutes,
but then go do something else for another, like 45 and leave the daggum thing there unfinished
for an hour. If that bothers you do whatever bothers you in order to kind of, so that you know,
okay, you're, because here's the point you're training yourself. I can, the world will turn
without me. Everything will continue. If I don't get this thing done right now,
the world won't fall apart. And so it's forcing you to let go and trust God.
In a second. Okay. Me and Ashley are still talking.
And is to let go and to just trust. Okay. I've been trying to control things. I think that I
have to keep it up in order for everything to keep working. And I'm not, I'm going to purposefully let
it go and then focus on the Lord, leave it in the Lord's hands while I go do something else.
And then, and then the thing is that it will bleed over into other things that aren't projects.
That makes sense. So like, say for instance, things that you, I don't know how to describe
it, like worries or whatever, you know, it'll bleed because it's a physical project that you're
stopping. If you, if you start trusting the Lord in like, okay, the world will keep turning. If I
stop, if I leave the dishes undone at times, like you don't normally, like, I don't know if you don't
leave the dishes out, you know, all night and you make sure to always do them, you know, before you
go to bed or you make sure you always do them at a certain time or whatever, you know, or before
someone comes over, it's just like, I just can't, you know, not do that. Force yourself to do things
you don't let yourself do and purposefully give it to God. And that begins to kind of break that
hold that, that has had over us, that things aren't okay unless we control them. And you're
purposefully giving it to God. So I know, I know it sounds strange, but it really does bleed over
then into things like worry, into things like that are all in your head or that are in your
emotions and aren't physical projects you're doing. You just start with the physical projects
because that's easier to feel like you're giving it to the Lord or that you're stopping because you
know what you're doing. So, and you would do that like two, maybe three times a day, something like
that. But the whole point is to not do something and give it to God. Just not doing it and trading
it for another project that you're doing isn't going to work. You have to actually just, you have
to actually release it to the Lord. And instead of worrying about it, you're like, okay, God,
I can worry about it. You're going to take care of it. My life's going to be okay. Me not getting
this done right now, because otherwise I'd feel behind, but I'm going to try to choose that I'm
not behind. I'm going to choose that you're going to make up the time. I'm going to choose that
you're whatever. So that's something that I would recommend. And then there was one more thing I was
going to recommend. What was it? Oh yeah. This might be challenging for you because obviously
you've got kids, you've got responsibilities. If there is any time that you can give yourself,
like say for instance, a week, or if you can't do that, then I don't know, a certain time every day,
the point is the consistency is, and where, how do I put this? Where, oh man, I'm going to have to
think of how to describe this, but where you're freeing yourself up of obligations so that you can
actually allow yourself to enjoy, find enjoyment in you instead of just getting, instead of being
caught up in distractions at things that you have to do, and then you don't get to enjoy you while
doing nothing. Oh, and by you, I mean, I mean by doing nothing, I mean you could do something that
feels like a waste of time to you, that you like doing, that you feel is a waste of time. For me,
that's sewing. I love it, but I feel guilty doing it. I feel guilty doing the things that I love
the most, the things that I don't feel that I
I can, that I can do things that I love until I've earned it by doing, by
spending the majority of my day doing things I don't want to do, that's the
emotional, mental and belief trap that I'm in, that I'm trying to get out of.
So, um, so anyway, that, uh, if you can do that and you like clear as much of
your schedule as you possibly can for, for a week and you know, when normally
you would go and be with this friend, normally you would go to this Bible
study and normally you do this.
If you could do that and then set aside those times to do, to just focus on,
you know, doing stuff that you consider a waste of time that you don't let
yourself do, then it, it again, breaks that cycle that you're not good enough,
that you're not enough for you, that you're not worthy, that you can't spend
time on you, that you can't be happy, you know, uh, and then, because it
forces you to actually do it.
So you, while you're doing it, you're going to love what you're doing.
And you choose that.
You love what you're doing.
You love yourself and you love the fact that you love doing this thing and
you're loving the whole process and the whole journey of it, and you
don't allow yourself to feel guilty.
If you feel guilty, you push it away, guilty, guilty, again, push that away.
Um, and you're like, no, because this is what God said.
So that's what I'm going to choose.
And it's, and it sounds, it's none of this stuff may sound simple, but the
problem is it it's so it's so it's very basic.
It's very foundational.
And that's where we're self-sabotaging.
We're self-sabotaging ourselves on stuff that manifests itself is very simple.
No big deal.
And God's like, that's the self-sabotage.
And so you will find it very hard.
It sounds easy, but you will find it very hard.
I should be at Bible study instead.
Or so-and-so, you know, was counting on me, or, I mean, you don't want to give
up something that you've like promised to do, but you know what I'm saying is
like, you feel like, oh, well, everyone else is going to help out so-and-so
who's having a hard time right now, or who is having a garage sale.
And normally I go help too.
Only this time you say no.
And instead of being busy and productive around the house as an exchange, as
penance or as of not doing the quote unquote good work, you're actually doing
something that you've, that you have always, that you love, that you consider
a waste of time that you don't allow yourself to do, like go sit and do nothing
or take a nap or for me, it's sewing or, you know, something like that.
And I know they sound simple, but here's another thing that I did want to mention.
The people.
Now, I don't know what it is that I've told you before, you know, about
what you should do or whatever.
I'm just telling you a general rule that the people that get the breakthrough
or the people that do the stuff that I tell them, you know, Hey, this will,
this help the people that don't get the breakthrough every single time are the
people that don't do what I tell them to do.
And, and I don't mean like I'm commanding someone to do it.
It's just like, I'm like, no, no, no.
Seriously.
This is the stuff that will help.
I don't give people busy work.
This is the serious stuff that helps me and that helps.
And, you know, and that helps other people that do it.
And I'm telling you what, I can tell a world of difference between the people
that do it and the people that don't carry did it, and I can name multiple
people in the rest intensive over the past three years that I mean, that
immediately I, you know, I feel their faces pop into my head.
I'm like that one, that one, they, they, in fact, there's this one lady who's
done the rest intensive at least three times.
And she hardly made any progress.
And she says that when she's not in the rest intensive, she doesn't do well.
I mean, meaning like in life and I'm like, and I haven't told her this yet,
but I'm like, it's because you're not doing what I've, what I've told you
works because she finds it too hard.
And trust me, the stuff that I told her is fun.
It's like, Hey, like she was having a hard time sleep going to sleep.
I was like, Hey, this is what you need to do for a bedtime routine.
That enjoy yourself.
What do you want to do?
Set aside time an hour before you go to bed, do nothing, but what you want to do.
You can sit and watch Netflix and you can have tea.
I said, do cozy things that, and while you brush your teeth, just enjoy the
fact that you're brushing your teeth.
Just brush your teeth.
Don't think about a problem you need to fix.
Don't think about what you need to do at work.
Don't think about what you're going to eat for breakfast, you know?
And, oh, I need to prepare that.
Don't do anything.
So it's just, it's all the fun stuff.
She can't do it.
People just can't do the fence.
But that's where it is that I promised.
That's how I got my breakthrough and that's how other people
have gotten their breakthrough.
So anyway, you can do, you can do whatever you want, but those are
some things that I'm telling you from personal experience work.
So anyway, you can do whatever you want.
So, and I know that you're.
I'm busy with all the kids. You need to go, but I wanted to squeeze those two things in.
No, it's interesting because every time we go back to our counselor, he asks us if.
Well, how does he usually worded it? He usually says, what are you guys doing?
Well, he usually he says, what have you guys done to make sure Priscilla has me time?
And that was one of the things.
OK, did you want to tell Ashley something?
She really wants to tell you something.
Oops.
Here, put this in your ear.
Ashley. Yes.
You have my book that I gave you.
You remember, that's so sweet. Well, it's not my book. I didn't write it.
My friend did. Do you like it?
Yeah.
I wrote in it to you, didn't I?
Yeah.
Do you see where I wrote to you?
I don't remember what I said. Something about a happy birthday or something.
That was from Ashley. It says, happy birthday, Gwen. You are a treasure to your father.
Love and rest, Ashley.
That's so sweet that you remember.
So when we first started working with him, one of his requirements or not requirements,
but one of our homework things was that I was supposed to have four hours of uninterrupted time a week to just be.
And it was every Friday morning.
And Arnold would be home with the kids during that time.
And I locked myself in my room and I was just alone.
And I feel like that's the time when I probably, I feel like I felt the most healthy, if that makes sense.
Yeah.
And I know I've told him the same thing. I said, I just feel so guilty.
Like, I just feel like I don't, I don't hear of other moms having this outrageous amount of time alone.
And he's, he's funny because he's older. He's like in his seventies and he doesn't have any kids.
And so I feel like he looks at it.
Actually from a, like from a practical point of view, he's just like, how do you expect to not be overwhelmed when you're needed?
Literally 24 hours a day, every single day.
And, you know, moms are just like, oh, well, you know, they're, they're part of the martyrdom of motherhood.
They're just like, oh, well, that's just my life, you know?
Yeah.
And I've, I've always felt like I need to be that way. And I literally feel like I'm, I'm dying.
And okay. Well, right now, Ashley and I are talking.
You can show her in the background. You can show her in the background.
Like just kind of hold it up behind me.
Yeah.
I know, but now it's not a good time. Okay.
Maybe we can send her a picture of it. Okay.
But no, everything you said is like, I know that that's what I need to do.
And I find like, it's literally almost, I know it's not impossible, but it's like on that street for me to stop something that I'm doing.
Yeah.
And just stop like, and that's with anything, like even with out, even with conversations with other people are like, you know, if my family's around, like I literally, I can barely make myself hold still long enough to hear what they're saying, because I just can't, I just can't stop.
And it's not even that I feel like I work that hard. I just feel like I'm never resting, you know, or like I'm never at rest.
And I know that I tasted of it at one time. And I know Arnold tells me every time too, he's like, he doesn't know why I'm so afraid to like, let the ball drop, so to speak.
Because he's like, every time that I've been intentional about doing that, the Lord comes through for me in ways that I never imagined, you know?
And so yeah, no, all that to say, what you're saying is definitely right on. And I want to actually do it.
So it's writing a new record for yourself. And that's, that's my point. It's not the just doing of it so that you can have it. It's doing it in order to break the cycle.
It's, it's proving a different thing to yours. It's proving to yourself that a different truth is reality.
But if you never put yourself in that position, and then you just try to convince yourself, well, if I'm ever in that position, God will take care of me.
Well, then it's always, it's always theoretical. It's not ever, and so it doesn't ever change our true belief of reality.
We, God, that's why God takes us through experiences. He's like, hey, I'll tell you conceptually.
the truth that you but I'm gonna walk you through it now to prove to you that
it's true not so that you'll learn a lesson okay now let's see if you do a
good job here's the test I already told you about it here you go now you got to
do the hard thing you know and guys just like no no I'm showing you I'm putting
you in this this experience to prove to you that it's true it's not a test of
like are we going to do what's right and are we going to perform guys just like
no I'm giving you this experience so that you can actually I'm putting you in
this situation that's old situation that feels like on my word why I'm always
here why don't like what we talked about earlier why do I always feel stupid why
I'm always in these situations you know why I felt stupid yet again you know why
do they not want to talk to me why do this keeps happening you know it's my
point it's like you're put in a situation again where I keep happening
why does God keep putting me here God's like to preach to you proof through
experience that what I told you was true it so that we'll finally get to
experience it and that's the whole point is to do these things so it'll break a
cycle of belief in you so that you'll actually believe because you experienced
that you really are enough and part of that whole thing of like having four
hours to yourself and all that it's to allow you to connect with yourself again
because we feel like you said you feel like you're an outsider in your own life
like looking in and like you just feel just connected it allows you to
reconnect with yourself because otherwise when you're always focused on
other people like oh what are the kids need and oh I need to get supper started
and what does it all mean for me and oh my word my leaders need to hear from me
or I need to give them guidance or I probably should do another like
lemongrass lady of the month and you know I've got all this time I got to do
then you're never connecting with you you're just like a machine that executes
and so this you know you can't ever you don't remember who it is that you are
and you changed from who you used to be the last time you connected with
yourself you know we just really have to continually stay connected because we are
what everything needs remember what I always say your business needs you your
children need you well they can't you can't give you if you don't know who you
are if you're not connecting to yourself then you're not fully present you're
just a machine that's actually getting something done putting food on the table
that's making sure they get in the bed but you're not there you're just trying
to how can I make them happy how can I make them obey how can I make them know
what's right and wrong but you aren't there and so it allows you to having
those times allows you to stay more in kit more connected with you even when
you're not by yourself when you're with the kids when you're making supper when
you're making a decision about like lemongrass or whatever so but you have
to give yourself strategic place it and a strategic time in order to break that
cycle because otherwise you'll never break it doing all of doing all of this
stuff in the middle of doing this stuff it's pulling away breaking the cycle and
then now trying to implement as best as possible and the more that you do that
and whether you break this cycle the more that it will invade the rest of
your life you know so and anyway but I just wanted to point that out it's that
disconnect thing and the Lord told me and he gave my pastor a prophetic word
about me one time and my pastor said he rarely gets prophetic words this is
about 12 years ago and my pastor told me this from the front of the church he
said Ashley Wheeler because I was Wheeler back then you're way in the back
you know he said God gave me a word for you and he said I want you to take the
the verse that says I am fearfully and wonderfully made and he said I want you
to flip them and believe and live like I am wonderfully and fearfully made
meaning like you fully enjoy yourself and get to know you he said and then you
will know me if you know you you will know you will know God and so it's kind
of like know you that you might know that you might know God connect with you
and that'll connect you with God as weird as that sounds it's not selfish
it's not egotistical because God you're your son of God God is in you you are
one with Christ so getting to know who you are and who he created and how he
expressed himself by creating you in that you are an actual expression of him
you will then know him by knowing you so anyway those are just some thoughts yeah
yeah no that makes a lot of sense yeah well I know you've got all kinds of
things going on so I'll let you go but it was good to talk to you and I hope
that this was helpful I just highly recommend you do those things and if you
can and let me know how it goes and I'll continue to pray for you and I I
promised you that as hard as it felt to get breakthrough I promise you it's not
as hard as it's feeling
So all we're having to do is to figure out with the Lord, what is it that you were hearing
and how to get around what you're hearing, how to get around what you've been believing.
And that's why I like continue to talk to you and ask you, so what do you think about this?
And so how's things been over here and whatever to try to get a fuller picture of where you're,
basically what your language is, so I can start speaking your language.
That's what I do with everybody. I have to, that's why I like the individual time with people.
It's like, how are they hearing what I'm saying? How are they hearing these truths based on
how they grew up and whatever, and what they believe. So anyway, I'll let you go.
Thank you so much for spending this time with me and yeah, I feel like it was very helpful.
And yeah, I'm excited to see what the Lord does with it in the next few weeks.
Well, y'all have fun at VBS tonight. Here, let me take my AirPods out.
Okay, I think they can hear you now. Y'all have fun at VBS tonight.
It's not, I know, I love those, love stuffed animals. I still have mine.
You did? I love panda bears. And I got this from Elva.
Oh, that was a sweet gift. Well, y'all have fun tonight, the last night.
Okay. Thank you, Ashley. We'll see you. Bye.