Sometimes it's looking in the mirror
and asking the question
what do I want?
What do I want?
What do I need in my life?
And then turning that
toward our spouse
and loving them that way.
So we've been talking about
worrying for your marriage
because it's the most
fulfilling institution.
It's the most exciting adventure
in this life is being married
to the right person
at the right purpose
with the right place
going for it for Jesus
seeking first the kingdom.
And I said
in my first episode
that we're to put the first thing first
and that is seek the kingdom of God
first.
Now listen,
you can't do that for your spouse,
but you can do that for yourself.
So that for you men out there
and for you women out there,
this is for you.
You seek the first king.
You put the kingdom of God first.
You put the first thing first
before you judge point the finger
or commiserate about
how terrible your marriage is.
Why don't you start seeking
the kingdom first in your life
because that's what Ephesians 5 18
is talking about.
Be filled with the Holy Spirit.
So before
Paul gets any
aspects of marriage covered
in Ephesians 5,
he starts off with be
filled with the Holy Spirit.
If you're not being filled
with the Holy Spirit,
I can promise you
it's really hard for your spouse
to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
If you're filled with the Holy Spirit,
you're walking in grace,
you're walking in love,
you're walking in forgiveness.
It's going to be really hard
for him or her
to be able to resist that
because that is
that's the homeland of the soul.
The homeland of the soul
is the kingdom of God.
So it starts with you,
you being one
who's seeking first the kingdom of God.
You can't make your spouse do it,
but you can model it.
In the second episode,
I talked about entering your wife's world
or entering your husband's world
and being willing to die there.
In other words,
study your spouse,
enter into their world,
try to understand
where they're coming from
and love them there.
And this is really hard.
I mean, it's a really difficult area,
but I'll tell you
couples that do this thrive.
They have so much success
and so much effectiveness
in their marriage
because they're entering
into their wife's world.
They're entering into their husband's world
and they're willing to die there.
And as I said in that episode,
I think probably we need to be
passing out passports
more than we need to be
handing out marriage licenses
because this is such a different culture
to enter into our spouse's world.
Then in my last episode,
Action 3,
I talked about growing together,
the importance of coming together
with the word,
with prayer,
with forgiveness,
with love and starting each day
by reading the Bible
and ministering to each other
through the word of God.
And that's how we cleanse,
nourish,
and sanctify
our spouse.
Now we're in verse 28.
So Ephesians 5, 28,
again to husbands.
So husbands ought to love their own wives
as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself
for no one ever hated his own flesh,
but nourishes and cherish it
just as the Lord does the church.
So action number four,
serve your wife
like you're serving yourself
or serve your husband
like you're serving yourself.
I mean who out there
when they're hungry
doesn't feed their stomach.
I mean you may look down right now
and if you're over 45
and you look down you go,
whoa,
I'm not sure I like the
the direction of my belly
and where it's going.
But I can promise you this
that when you're hungry you go out and eat
and
you get what you want.
You get Mexican,
you get Chinese,
maybe you're into sushi,
whatever.
And he says
so husbands ought to love their own wives
as they love their own bodies
and he who loves his wife loves himself.
So what he's saying here is serve your wife.
Men,
God is saying serve your wife
like you serve yourself.
Ladies,
I think this is true for you also.
Serve your husbands like you serve yourself.
So sometimes it's looking in the mirror
and asking the question,
what do I want?
What do I want?
What do I need in my life?
And then turning that
toward our spouse
and loving them that way.
I mean,
let me tell you when I'm in the South
and I get to go to the South a lot
because part of my family's in the South
and it seems like I've gotten
a number of speaking engagements in the South
and I'll tell you man when I go to the South
I like to get shrimp and grits,
collard greens,
and fried chicken.
That's what I dig.
There's nothing quite like it.
Well in the same way,
that's me.
That's me taking care of me
but the body.
Abel is saying love your wife that way love your husband that way and think
about what they want think about how to serve them so it has become a custom of
mine to be in that kitchen a lot I help sometimes I cook the meals sometimes I
stack and unstack the dishwasher sweeping the floors vacuuming I try to
help as much as I can now Liz actually enjoys that stuff most of it and so she
doesn't want me messing around with all that stuff most the time but sometimes
she does but I serve her in other ways I know for Liz she loves that coffee in
the morning she loves me to take to go on long walks with her she loves to go
out to eat to the type of restaurants that we both like that are really
healthy she likes me to go pick up stuff for her at the store so she doesn't have
to go out on certain days and everybody's got to figure that out
you've got to figure out what serving your spouse looks like what they
appreciate the most this is how we cherish and nourish our wife because
that's what the scriptures say so husbands ought to love their own wives
as their own bodies he loves his wife loves himself and then it says for no
one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as the
Lord does a church so you're nourishing and cherishing your spouse by serving
her by serving him and serving them there and again this is why coming
together and growing together so important because sometimes the pendulum
can swing where one is doing all the serving and the other ones doing all the
receiving and that's not a good deal so I'm speaking to both spouses that you
serve that other person like you're serving yourself and eventually it's
going to get noticed eventually it's going to win the day plus it's just the
right thing to do Jesus came as a servant leader more than a leader who is
a servant he was a servant who became a leader and so we serve our spouses in
ways that are meaningful to them so that's action number four and then
action number five lastly in this series is verse 31 for this reason a man shall
leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife the two shall become
one flesh so action number five romance your spouse men romance your wife women
romance your husband just as you loved and you had passion for each other in
your dating life continue that stir that up and I can tell you that it's a
stewardship that the intimacy part of the relationship is a stewardship based
on serving based on loving based on forgiveness and communication so it's
really it's really about the first four things I mean that's how we romance or
keep romance in our relationship is by doing the first four things seeking
first the kingdom ministering and loving each other together entering
your spouse's world and loving them there and then serving the other person
that's how we romance that person and if there's no intimacy in the relationship
I in the counseling I've done it's usually one of those four areas that I
just mentioned that's missing big time in that relationship so it's not so much
that the intimate intimacy itself is the problem it could be I mean there
could be something going on there physically but it's usually intimacy is
related to a disconnect spiritually disconnect relationally a disconnect in
forgiveness being willing to forgive the other person and and that comes by
coming together so I would say this that if you want a romantic intimate
relationship with your spouse do the first four action points better work on
that and usually that takes care of itself I want to finish up by saying
that the most magnificent institution that we have is marriage I wouldn't
trade it for the world but it's a horrible place to be if you're not
willing to grow together if you're not willing to serve that other person if
you're not willing to enter that person's world your spouse's world and
die there it's going to be terrible if you're not seeking the kingdom first in
your marriage but it is fantastic if you do these five points now nobody's
perfect in this and you could probably go zero to ten on a scale on each one of
those points and some you're stronger at some you're weaker at but keep growing
keep going after it I really believe
these five action points which are just straight from the Bible really do work.
Now if you're single, you're not married yet, remember what I said because I think
it can it can prove to be a boundary, it can prove to be a guide or maybe even a
rule book for marriage for you to be thinking about as you consider someone.
Because most people, quite frankly, most people want to be married. I mean it's
a rare person who doesn't long to be married. So God placed that desire in her
heart and I'm hoping that this teaching is helpful to you, that even as you
consider your future, you consider a marriage partner, that you would look at
these action points. And let me go over them again. The first one, seek first the
kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you. So put the first
thing first. So as a single person, you need to be doing that right now. Be
working on that right now, making the kingdom first. If you want to marry a
Christian guy, then be a Christian. If you want to marry a kingdom guy, then seek
the kingdom. If you want to marry someone who's putting Jesus first, then you need
to be putting Jesus first. That's the first point. Second, enter your wife's
world or enter your husband's world and die there. In other words, it's
crossing cultural boundaries of maleness and femaleness and background
with your families. Some of you come out of divorce backgrounds, some of you don't.
But it's being able to be otherly enough or selfless enough that you can
enter into that other person's world and love them there. Thirdly, it's growing
together. It's getting up in the morning, opening God's Word, praying, and spending
time together. It does not matter how much time, but start somewhere and
grow together. Action number four was serve the other person. Learn how to serve,
learn how to love, learn how to say things and do things that are meaningful
to your spouse. And then lastly, romance your spouse. Let the intimacy, the sexual
intimacy, be a byproduct of those other things. And as we grow in those things, I
really believe in most cases the intimacy takes care of itself. So I hope
that's helpful to you. Keep dating your spouse, keep loving. If you realize you're
in a big-time struggle, maybe get counseling. If you need to get some
professional counseling, get that. Or some mentors. If you see a successful
marriage, successful couple, seem to really be joyful in their marriage, go up
to them. Ask them if you can take them to coffee. And then you go out as a couple
with them, ask good questions, and begin to let that relationship be a guide in
helping you. Nobody comes with all the stuff. Nobody comes with all the material.
We're all just a bunch of messed up people. But we can be changed. We can be
transformed if we want to be. So I hope this is helpful to you. God bless you. And I
hope you have a successful, happy marriage. But war for it. You got to fight
for it. It's worth it.