Thank you.
How are you.
I'm good. I mean, thank you so much for sending everything.
I'm like, wow, wow.
No one can accuse me of not being thorough.
No, or at least not.
I was like,
I'll leave it here.
And then we can talk about it.
And then you just like went through everything. So in depth,
I was like, wow, this is amazing.
Well, I always think if I, if I don't.
People have kind of gotten onto me about this before.
Oh, by the way. Hey, Priscilla.
I've gotten onto me.
I'm trying to like,
Protect me from myself.
And I have a question for you.
I'm like, just, just answer the question or just like,
these haven't been like clients of mine or whatever.
There'd be like, I don't know.
People are listening to me tell a story or try to explain something or
whatever.
Like, okay, well, actually just, just answer their question.
You don't have to like give them all of this stuff or whatever, or,
you know, give all these details or whatnot.
And I'm like, I don't know.
I feel like I'm not answering their question.
I feel like I'm not doing it like that.
I'm actually not giving people enough of the foundation to do anything
with the answer.
To be able to understand it or to do anything with it.
And so I'm like,
Well, that has been a disservice.
Then I feel like I'm actually not answering their question.
So anyway,
I have nothing about the row and Carrie who is Priscilla's.
She was always telling me, actually,
you will always answer.
I don't know.
Like.
Anyway, but I always, I also finally realized, you know,
People that are okay with how I teach.
Continue to be like.
Attracted to it. It talks to the programs and like them. So I'm like,
Apparently these people are fine with it.
And these people are getting what they need and this is how they need
to be.
So that was my biggest.
I'm not sure.
Yeah, no.
It was amazing. It was more like.
That's above it above and beyond.
Okay, well, I will.
It was helpful. Well, I also felt a bit more, I wasn't liking the first.
I was telling Ed.
I was not liking the first few sessions that I did.
Not that are the art Q and A's are, you know,
like the teaching sessions, like.
And I don't feel like myself.
I feel like something's wrong.
I feel like.
Trying to like explain it in a different way.
Like to try to be more sustained or to try to include this or to try to
include that. And basically to be more helpful.
Then I thought that I was probably being.
In the past.
And so I finally realized.
I don't feel good about it. I don't feel like I'm teaching. Well,
I just, I don't know what's wrong with me. So I told him, I said.
So last.
With it.
I was going to go out on the Jack and I was going to do my, my.
That this past teaching.
And I told him, I said, okay.
I'm going to go back to myself.
And be like me and I'm going to teach from that place.
And then we'll see what happens. We'll see if finally.
I like the teachings again and that they're okay.
You know, because I haven't liked the past two or three.
It's like, okay. So I came back and I.
I opened the door and I told him.
I'm back.
I said, I mean,
I loved her.
And I was like, it was an hour and a half.
Yeah.
100%.
Oh, good. I'm so glad.
I was just like, see, Ashley, you don't,
you're not a problem that needs to be fixed.
I'd like the others too, though.
That's very sweet. What a nice, sweet diplomatic way to say it.
I was not pleased with them.
In fact, I almost redid the one about like, who.
Who does God say he is? Cause I finished it. I'm like.
That didn't get across what I was trying to get across.
It got across ideas and concepts, but it didn't get across the heart of it.
And I meant the heart of it. I thought I need to do it all over.
But by that time, I think I'd already sent it to y'all.
And I thought y'all already watched it. And I'm like,
Oh, wow.
Y'all really took it with me.
So I'm glad that was helpful and that those additional videos were
helpful. And the reason I sent those is.
And the encouragement.
Well, as you know, mentioned for y'all to ask questions, you know, if things
weren't making sense or whatever, if I, I was sensing from the Lord, I mean,
I'm assuming it was from the Lord.
I was just getting this feeling, just this sense that the way things have been
going, um, the past like week, week and a half was not enough.
I was like, no, no, no, no.
They, I think they need more support and support in a different
way than, than, um, what I've been doing.
I think that they, I think that they'd be more helped if I made some changes.
And, um, and if there was like a personal, more of a personal
interaction throughout the week and they could just choose to watch
them, you know, on their own time or whatever, but I thought that might
help y'all be apply and get stuff in the moment in real time when you need
as opposed to these almost like, as opposed to how we do church, you go on
Sunday and then you're on your own for the rest of it to remember
and to figure out how to apply it.
And I was like, that hasn't worked.
And so I thought maybe even though I was trying to create more touch points, I
didn't, I also haven't wanted this to be overwhelming.
Um, and, uh, so anyway, I tried the other, so it wouldn't be overwhelming.
I don't like that just didn't work.
I'm trying to create a bit more, uh, touch, uh, some touch points and some
interaction with me throughout the week so that it's hopefully a bit more helpful.
Um, so anyway, because what it is that we talk about are stuff that y'all
struggle with, meaning like all y'all is in all of us, like including myself.
And that's how I know this all day long.
Like, well, this came up and then this came up and then this came up, you know,
we, we have this choice.
50, a hundred, a thousand times a day, whatever it is.
And especially when you're trying to learn something new, it's, it's, um,
it's just helpful to have the reminder.
I will be by myself and would just have to remind myself in one of the way that
I did it and whether it worked for me.
So I'm mentioning this to y'all in case it's helpful for y'all is I had to.
Basically infuse my whole life with this new belief, this new,
that this almost like make, make the make, who does God say that he is?
And who does he say that I am my new theme in life?
Like that was the overarching thing.
It wasn't an addition to my life.
I had to make it the filter through which I experienced every single
detail of my life every day.
Um, and that's what changed everything for me.
It wasn't because it can't be understood as this concept that I've compartmentalized
and I'm trying to learn apart from trying to keep all of this together, all the
rest of my life, you know, the grocery shopping and the, you know, the data,
the relationship with so-and-so and it had to be the way through which I
interacted with, it had to be basically the new me through which I interacted
with and determined and, um, engaged with the rest of the details of my life.
Um, and that's when everything changed because again, I'm changing who I am.
And therefore it was going to change how I live, how I experience life.
Um, So I just say that as an encouragement to y'all, then that will help you
tremendously to get breakthrough in a short amount of time.
It's very intense because it's a new way of engaging with every single detail of
your life, but you'll get it.
You'll get the breakthrough a lot faster.
It's like ripping off the bandaid.
Um, and I've not, I've done it, not just with the first big area of my life.
I've done it with multiple areas of my life.
When I need that kind of like a breakthrough is I just very, um, I
treat it in a very intense way.
Um, like that.
It's like, like I said, it's the filter through which I see everything.
And, um, the theme that I make my, my life, not like this new thing
that I'm learning over here.
I'm trying to keep all of these activities and I have this new activity.
No, this is my first choice between me and God.
This is who, how I'm trying to adjust.
And I'm going to, and I'm going to be that and act like that and bring
that into this aspect of life.
And then when I go to the grocery store and when I'm getting into my car and
when I'm driving down the road and when I come back and I'm unloading the
groceries, when I'm taking a shower, when I'm whatever, and, um, it's
basically a new me that's trying to interact in life and then that's
what changed everything.
It's hard.
It's intense.
Uh, but I promise you, it's, it's just that powerful because we're making
a willful choice and in God's faith and, and just doing that God will
do then make everything change.
We're not making anything change.
We're just making the choice and then God we're making the choice to allow
God to come in and to change everything.
Um, but it's risky, it's vulnerable, et cetera.
Anyway, so, uh, can I just ask something?
Cause I think, cause, cause I get that, like, um, Think like make the decision.
in, and then, and then let go. And then I'm just like, still
struggling, like practically, because I think I'm doing it.
But clearly, I'm not doing it because they like, I, I know,
I'm not doing it. But I'm like, I don't know how to so I loved
the example you had about like, sitting with God, just like
you're sitting with friends at Christmas, and just like just
being. And I was like, Oh, my goodness, that is so practical.
I can do that. Like, but then I was like, is that? Because then
I'm like, how do I put that down in? Like, if it's like, who does
God say that he is? And who does he say that I am? Because that's
when I was like, sitting and getting those things.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm not an I'm not understanding. That's when
you were sitting and getting what?
So in the journal, we have that, like, who does God say he is?
And who does he say I am? And how will I choose to live? So
when I was sitting with the journal, that's when I was like,
God, who do you say you are? And that's when I could like hear
him speak. Oh, okay. And then. And then I really loved your
example about no, just sit with God. And just be like you would
be at Christmas. And I was like, Oh, yeah, I'm definitely gonna
do that. You know, I really love that.
We're talking Okay, so we're talking about two different
things. I was talking about the practice. You know, where's the
my practice thing, which is separate from the journal in
that I was saying, you know, yeah, something to do to
practice is the practice experiencing the truth that is
sitting with the truth. And that that is the your existence, that
you're currently existing in the fact that God is like that, like
he says the is to the degree he says he is that and that I am
who he says that I am to the degree I am to the degree he
says I'm that. And just sitting with that, sitting with that,
choosing that that's the reality in which you're currently
existing in that moment in that chair in that wherever it is
that you are, instead of trying to try instead of trying to
learn something about God, instead of trying to solve a
problem instead of trying to do better, instead of trying to be
better, instead of trying to break through, instead of trying
to do anything like that. So I was talking about the practice.
Yeah, it's separate from like the journal part of like, okay,
what's a willful, intentional decision I'm making? The reason
why they're a bit different is that experience that I mentioned,
there's a manner in which Okay, well, let me explain it this
way. You're feeling more than thinking. So you're experiencing
more, that's all about experiencing a moment, instead
of thinking through a moment, or understanding a moment is
understanding something new. It's like your spirit knows
things, but you don't know in English or in Norwegian. What do
y'all speak in Norway? Norwegian? Yeah, Norwegian. Okay, I wasn't
sure if it's Norwegian or some other or a different word for
y'all's language. But you know, in English or Norwegian, you're
not thinking through much in your head, you're just enjoying
the experience of it, the feeling of the atmosphere. And
the atmosphere is determined by just like at Christmas, where
you're sitting there with the fire and the coziness of the of
the atmosphere. You're watching everyone, but you're not talking
right now. Because at the moment, at that moment, you
know, there's so many people, you know, so many family members,
that you don't have anyone you have to talk to right now, you're
just enjoying watching and listening to multiple
conversations go on, you're just enjoying the atmosphere. That's
what I'm saying is that you and God aren't necessarily having a
conversation in that time, you're just sitting and enjoying
the app, the the peace, the centeredness, and the
atmosphere. And honestly, the more that got, well, let me
explain that in a minute, because I don't want to, I don't
want to confuse what I'm saying, the, the atmosphere that you are
in, in God being that amazing, that good, that, that, that
dependable, and that you are all of those things that he says
that you are the in that you're that you're a king, and that
you're a son, and that you have a purpose, you've got, you've
got something he's planned for you to be and you're you being
here. And knowing that you're his son, you're doing it, you're
already doing that. You're ruling by choosing that you are
who God says that you are, and everything else will see that
you finally know who you are, and they'll all now respond
accordingly, even though you're not even interacting with them.
Just, which is really wild how that works. But it's just kind
of like the spirit emanating. And you're just sitting and
enjoying that experience. But you and God aren't like talking
just like in that Christmas picture. You're talking with
anyone else.
you're enjoying the coziness of the atmosphere that's created, but you're not even psychologically
thinking about this is really cozy. And this is really special. You don't have words that are
going on in your head. You're just sitting in the warmth and the coziness of how you're feeling
inside because of an experience that you are having in that atmosphere. That's what I'm saying
with this other is that, and here's why it's so important is if it's just an experience,
that's one thing. Here's why it's so important. Two things. One, you experiencing God is what's
going to heal you. And also it's not what we learn about God and what we understand about God,
what we finally know how to articulate about God that won't heal us. What heals us is in our
encountering God and experiencing him, experiencing his spirit. So that puts you in a position to be
able to do that. And even when you cut off the other side and you feel healed in some way,
you feel rejuvenated and strengthened in some way. You feel refreshed in some way.
You may not be able to explain it in a language in English, Norwegian, whatever you can't,
you don't even know really what happened, but just the fact that it happened, just the fact that
you're healed is enough. And you don't care that you can't explain it. You're just grateful that
it happened, you know? So it's there's, there's a healing and an experience, but also what it does
is it will reveal things. Uh, well, okay. Then I thought of another one. It will teach us that
we're safe with God because it'll look, we'll experience being in his presence where it feels
good. And we're not always being corrected. We'll stop associating the presence of God with the pain
of not being enough. And we'll now experience, Oh, this is actually pleasant. This is healing.
This is life giving. I feel like I'm getting more life being with him instead of feeling more
snuffed out because I now realizing all the things that I did wrong and how I need to correct it or
how to mature and be more and whatever. So that's the, that's the second thing. And then the third
thing is you will learn, you will learn things about him because you're simply exposed to more
about him, but you won't even be able to explain in a language what it is you just learned about
him, but your spirit and your soul shifted because you finally discovered something else
about God. You didn't know, you can't explain it to somebody else. You don't know what it is.
You just learned about God, but whatever it was, you learned enough about God that it made you more
God, like opened up an aspect of himself and showed you more of him. So she, Hey, by the way,
did you know I'm like this? Oh my word. I didn't know God was like that, but you don't know what
God, you can't tell yourself what God just showed you that he's like, you don't have an English word
for it. You don't, well, he just showed me he was good. Or he just showed me, he was like,
you won't have a word for what he just showed you, but your spirit and your soul will now
have access to a deeper part of God that you experienced that he entrusted you with that,
you know, and you feel, you feel closer to him because you shut off your brain and you just
allowed yourself to experience it. So anyway, that's why I said that this, that I recommend,
that's why I recommended this exercise, even though it sounds really simple,
it's very powerful for all three of those reasons. And there's probably more reasons that I could
think if I could stop and think about them, but, and then to do that for yourself as well,
for you to basically be. The God that you're sitting with. I don't mean that you make yourself
God. That's not what I mean, but just like you were sitting there with God and you're like,
okay, God, I'm, I'm believing you are who you say you are and that I am who you say I am.
How, so when I'm sitting experience, what do I experience or what do I, what do I see?
How do I see you experiencing me? Do you like me? Do you accept me? All of that stuff.
Then do be that for you, be the parent to your inner child, you know, that fully loves and
accepts you for being just as you are without requiring yourself to change. So instead of
the tendency that we have is to turn against ourselves, to turn on ourselves, to betray
ourselves, to think that we're not good enough to question ourselves, to doubt ourselves or
whatever. So we're also been learning in that second exercise I mentioned, sitting with yourself,
truly being who it is that God says that you are. And then enjoying that and accepting yourself to
be that new person. There's a way similar to the, to Adam, identifying the animals that you're
identifying yourself. You're declaring something over you that God has already created and said
that you were, and now you are agreeing with him by also saying that you are who that, who he said
that you were by sitting with yourself, fully receiving yourself as that person. I hope that
wasn't too deep. That's, that's what I was trying to say with those two practices. Yeah. Is that
helpful at all or not? Or is there any aspect?
Yeah, no, no, it's it's perfect. Yeah, I think that's very
practical and something that I can, can definitely do. And then
I just think I there were like two other things I was wondering
about. And the one was like, how do I journal like, but I think
the most important thing is like what you were talking about
before the whole like, making a decision and then letting go.
And like, do you do that in every single aspect? Like, is
there a practical way like this that you do it? Because I'm, I'm
still trying to be like, I feel like I'm choosing it. And you
were explaining so many great things. So I'll be listening to
that over and over again, because I'm like, Oh, that was
so good. And you really went through every every single
thing. But I sometimes I don't know if there's another
practical way, or if it's just one of those, you need to like
listen to it again to like, then all of a sudden you just get it,
you know what I mean?
And what do you mean? Is there a practical way to do what?
When you say like, Oh, you just, I think there's something in me
that's just not fully still getting the whole like, making
the will, like making the decision that changes
everything, you know, and I know it has to do with like, letting
go and stuff. But I'm just like, I feel like I'm making that
decision. But I'm, I'm, I'm clearly not.
Okay, when you make a decision, okay, when you make a decision,
for one thing, you'll, you'll feel you'll feel a few things
for one thing, you'll it'll feel aligned to you because it'll be
your spirit will feel like something about this feels
right before aligned, but it'll also feel and well, you'll also
feel powerful. And by powerful understand, it's almost like you
feel a strength coming into you. We're not talking about powerful
like you're you feel like you're all big and bad and prideful
that that has a very negative weighty feeling. We're not
talking about that. If you feel a negative weighty feeling and
that would trust me all of you follow the Lord closely enough,
you will feel that. So if you don't feel that negatively
feeling your vibe, okay. So we all know what that pride feels
like. And you're just choosing that this that if God says that
thing, this thing about you that it's not only is it true, but
that you're safe, choosing it to, and that it's not prideful,
that it's not whatever that it's not scary, that it's not that
it's not being bigger than your britches, you know, or anything
like that you really it's because God says so, but you're
having to risk and risk that. Well, what if Lord, I, I really
don't feel that strong, you say that I'm up there, but I don't
feel like I can handle being up there, whatever. And if God says
that you're there, you're like, okay, then Lord, I'm going to
risk putting myself in that position, even though it feels
really high, it feels higher than I'm used to standing or
whatever. But if you actually choose it in faith, in other
words, you make a willful, intentional decision that it's
true, you will feel you'll feel the power and the strength rise
up in you. And, and you'll, there's something else I was
going to say that you feel is the big one.
Yeah, I feel it's probably the letting go thing. Is that what
you Oh, I know. Oh, no, it was one more example that I was
going to give about maybe how like, like how you're already
doing it in life. And you need to understand. That's how you do
it in the spirit as well. Like, say, for instance, when you
decide what you're going to eat, and where and we're not
talking about a place where you feel you feel pressure. So don't
imagine some situation in which you feel pressure either by the
menu, by the fact that the waiters stand there saying
there, you're like, Oh, my goodness, I feel pressure to
hurry make a decision. Or the fact that your friends there and
you don't know what they're gonna think about you. Think of
some situation in which you feel fully empowered to make your own
decision and you and you feel powerful when you've made it.
Like this is what I'm choosing to do. I'm deciding to eat this,
I'm deciding to do that. And there's no outside, you don't
feel pressured by any other outside influence. That kind of
feeling of like, no, I'm going to do this, because that's what
I decide or similar to here's how you get here's another
thing. If whenever you have kids with you, you have a kid with
you. And they want to do something like I don't know if
maybe you have nieces and nephews, but they want to do
something and you maybe you're babysitting them and you you're
the one deciding or no, I want to eat the cookies. I'm sorry,
sweetheart, you can't have the cookies. You know, you are very
aware in that moment that not only can they not eat the
cookies, you made the decision for them. No, that's not right.
While also knowing you as an adult, you can grab one right
now if you want to.
That feeling and that empowerment of I can, if I want to, and sometimes she might sneak it when
they walk off or you might not do it, but you know, you could that feeling of I am in complete
control and I'm deciding what I will and will not eat in this moment. That's that authority
of owning your decision. That is what has to make the decision and the choice that God is.
So he says that he is basically it's like having that cookie and deciding, am I going to do? I
choose that. This will be part of my life or do I not? No one's forcing you. No one's even trying
to emotionally manipulate you. God's not trying to, isn't there trying to emotionally manipulate
you to grab him? He's just offering something. And so you have to powerfully decide, is that
something I choose for me or is it something I'm not going to choose? It's your decision.
So I think that's a powerful point to point out. You're not being emotionally manipulated by God.
You're not being emotionally obligated by God to do anything. He does all of the work for you
anyway. So there's nothing for him to emotionally obligate you to because he won't allow you to do
anything. In fact, you want to do stuff for him and he won't let you. He's like, no, if you're
going to do stuff, well then to earn stuff, then the only thing I can give you is something in
this world because that's the only thing that can be earned. Anything that you work for,
that you try to get of the kingdom, I can't give you because nothing in the kingdom can be earned.
So if you, if you make any progress towards it yourself, you don't get it. I can only give it
to you if you don't make any progress towards it. Meaning like if you don't do anything for it or
whatever. So there's literally no emotional manipulation by the Lord. There's literally
no obligation. We're not even obligated to love him. He invites us to love him. Why? Because
not only does he love us, but he's like, hey, it's in your DNA to love me. So I invite you to be you.
And when you're you, to love me. And there's no manipulation in that. There's no obligation.
He's just like, hey, I just want to let you know who you are. And if you act like yourself,
then you'll be free. And so anyway, so the thing is, everything that we do is because
we do it out of our willful, intentional decision that that's what we choose.
It's your will operating just to get the idea across. It's your will operating
completely separate from God. What do you decide regardless of what God decides?
So, but how to, but, but here's why that's safe. And it's not bad. It's because God always has to
make the first move. We don't, what's quote unquote bad is when we decide of our own free
will, we want to do something that God has not initiated first. That's a problem. That is a
man sourced exertion of our will. And God's like, no, no, no. I want you. I will give you an idea
first. I will declare truth about me that I want you to believe or act on or to receive or whatever
or benefit or whatnot. And this is what I say is true. This is what I want for you. This is what I
created to be provided to you. Here you go. Now, do you want it or not? So he puts it down,
backs off. And now it's completely our choice. We don't get to benefit from that thing unless we
reach out and grab it ourselves. What we keep doing is we keep thinking God's going to like
open our mouth and screw the top and like force feed us. And he doesn't. He's like, no, you want
it. I'll, I'll give you the idea first. I'll create it and make it possible. I'll put it into
existence. But now you have to decide, are you going to come into agreement with me? When I say
that I'm giving this to you and I want you to experience it, are you going to choose to
experience it? Or are you going to leave it there and choose not to experience it? So that's, that
is a healthy way for us to operate within our will that God gave us to make a choice for or not make
a choice for something. But, um, God always just wants us to make the choice for what he said,
not for something that we decide or something that he said no to, or that he didn't even create,
but we wish were possible. You know, we're not talking about that. So it's not, it's not a, it's
not a bad or, um, a thing for us to do. And that's not us thinking that we're more as powerful as
God. It's literally, God didn't want us to love him unless it was our choice. He didn't want to
make us love him. So it has to be our, so we have to choose. And it's the same thing with every other
aspect of our benefit of any benefit that we receive from the Lord. He's like, I won't force
it on you, but I will.
make it available. I will create, I will come up with the idea. I will make it possible. And then
I will put it down. I'll invite you to it. Now you have to make a decision. And here's the hard
part about it is if we pick it up and bring it into our life, and it changes our life,
we know that that's a huge risk. Because if it doesn't go the way that we want,
we're responsible. And we don't want to be responsible. We want if something bad happens,
or in other words, something happens that we don't want to happen, we want it to have been,
well, God, God forced it on me. And then we can blame someone other than ourselves. You know,
God, why did you do that? Because I didn't force that on you. You chose it, you know.
And I'm sorry. So what were you saying, Priscilla? How much much realizing how much I want to blame
God for my decisions? Okay. Yeah, we and we do that because we can't. And here's, here's why.
What is what's wrong with us handling our own the weight of our own decisions? We think God is
holding us accountable for how those decisions affect our lives, so to speak. Like, in other
words, that God is holding us responsible for the outcome of stuff. So if we put if he put something
here, you know, he invites us to something and we're like, Okay, but what if I don't like how
that thing creates an if the out, but if I don't like the outcome that it creates in my life?
Well, if I take it, then, then I can't blame God for it. And I'm going to be blamed for it. And
what does that mean? It means I'm bad. It means that it is what we tell ourselves. It means that
I'm bad. It means that God's not going to connect with me that God's going to correct me that I'm
going to have to go through a really hard time. And it's all because I made the decision. And
we just feel the weight of the responsibility of how things turn out. And God's just like, Oh,
give the weight of inner responsibility of how things turn out and give that to me.
So if we're now free of the weight and the responsibility and being held accountable,
they got by God for how it turns out, God has taken all the risk. There's now no risk
in taking this because God said he's going to hold himself responsible for the outcome.
Not us. Um, if that, if that helps at all, but the reason why we haven't is we keep thinking
that there's something, um, that it says something bad about us. If, uh, how would I put it?
That the outcomes that were defined by the app by outcomes were defined by an identified by,
and our relationship is dependent on what happens to us, what happens around us, how people interact
with this, what happens as a result of how we prepared dinner, you know, well, did it turn out
or not, you know, you know, or, or I don't know, whatever, or my relationship with, with a friend
and how the confrontation went or how I handled myself on the confrontation or, you know, just
whatever that, that I, that it's saying something about me. And when we learn to separate our
identity from what we do and our identity from what happens based on what we do, it makes us a
lot freer to try to make mistakes. Um, it will not that we're trying to make mistakes, but that
to try, because we're no longer threatened by mistakes. We're no longer threatened. If we don't
get it, if, if the outcome that we wanted isn't the outcome that happened, or if, um, you know,
or if I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought. There was a way I was going to explain that
related to the Lord. But anyway, there's reasons why we've, we prefer to not blame ourselves. And
we prefer to blame God because we're too overwhelmed with the weight of what blaming
our, of, uh, what it means. If something goes quote unquote wrong, it means I'm bad. It means
I'm going to go through the pain and the punishment of being corrected by God, because we just put,
we assume correction by God to be pain and punishment. We're like, I'm trying to do
whatever I can to avoid that as opposed to understanding. Well, what if our, our growth
in the Lord isn't based on, isn't, um, constant correction, pain and punishment. But if that's not
our interaction with the Lord, I sure he corrects us, but there's no pain and punishment associated
with it. Well, if that's true, well, then Hey, we can be, it just opens up a, um, uh, opens up
a freedom to, like I said, try new things because he gives me a safe place in which to learn. Um,
and he doesn't, and he doesn't stop talking to me just because, um, based off of the outcomes that
I get, um, and, uh, you know, I don't know, et cetera. So hopefully that's helpful.
So, um, so I.
I'm just trying to understand so you know, I have my list that
I've been going through. So it's like, okay, so in my mind, I
believe my breakthrough would look like being my ideal weight,
having a job that I love, that I can choose my own, you know,
time, meeting the man of my dreams. And you know, winning
the court case, you know, like, perfect, check all breakthrough.
Amazing. My life is great. But then what I'm hearing so but
what I need to think is like, I need to give all of that and
just be like, God, I'm just going to give you all of like,
whatever the outcome. So if I end up gaining even more weight
and staying single for the rest of my life and being in a job I
don't like and everything, you know what I mean? Like, I'm
just, that's very on either sides, but it's like, the
breakthrough doesn't necessarily like the breakthrough
isn't necessarily in what I'm thinking, but I need to like,
let it go, right? And just choose God above all of
whatever outcome is that?
Yeah, the breakthrough isn't how God manifests himself into our
life. The breakthrough is in is in God being who he who he
really is in our life. And then whatever happens happens. Does
that make sense? So what again, what we're having faith in when
God tells us to have faith in himself, it faith in him is that
God is who he says that he is not that he will do what he says
he will do. We have to have faith that he is who he says
that he is. So he can do that however he wants. He can be that
however he wants. We just choose that he is that and that that's
who he's going and we just ask the Lord that you be that into
my life regardless of what that makes my life look like. And so
that's the breakthrough. Otherwise, it's like Lord, if I
get breakthrough in these areas, then I'll know you love me, then
I'll know you're trustworthy, then I'll know that and God's
like, No, the only way that you'll know it is if you choose
me over these things. And, and what he wants, and that can be
very, very hard, especially because what we always expect
from God is the hard road, the painful road, the answer that we
don't want the outcome that we don't want. And he wants and so
again, we can hear in there the accuser, the underlying
accusation that we have against the Lord that God, I assume that
you're guilty, and I'm asking that you prove yourself
innocent, because and so what we have, and so that's what it
shows us, we're like, Okay, God, instead of I'm going to
recklessly choose you, because that's what it feels like, it
feels like we're letting go of all of the most important things
in our life, you know, the things that emotionally, we're
so, we're so anchored in attached to connected to. And,
and that if we don't hold on to them, God's not going to treat
them as valuable, and we're not going to get them. And so what
God wants to do is because he knows the real deep desires of
our hearts, and the real deep desires of our hearts are not
even how life turns out. It's who he is, and him being that
thing into our life, what would that make my life look like? If
God really were as good as he says that he is, what would that
make my life look like? Not God, I want you to do this. You know,
we honestly have a very limited view of what's possible. So
anyway, it I'm fully aware of how hard that is, because not
only have I done it many, many, many times, I continue to have
to do it, it really is that hard. And that's why I use the
phrase reckless abandon, because it doesn't feel like you're
just abandoning yourself to the Lord, it feels reckless, it
doesn't feel responsible, it doesn't feel emotionally
responsible, you feel like you are setting yourself up for
disappointment. You're intentionally setting yourself
up for disappointment is what it feels like. And what we have to
choose is that God, I'm choosing that you are more important to
me, not that I wish that you were not that I know you should
be not that I hope you're going to be not that I hope that I
can change so that you'll be no God, I am willfully making a
choice. I am choosing you and abandoning this. I'm actually
abandoning it. And I've talked about this before, not in this
program, but in the other one, that it will feel like you are
abandoning your baby. It's this precious thing that you are
putting on the altar. And you're like, God, I don't know that I
can entrust you to take care of this thing. Because you're
you're thinking like, like Abraham did with Isaac, he
might kill it. And, in fact, Abraham went so far as to raise
the knife, you know, over, over Isaac's head to kill it
himself. Because God says you, it has to be that much of an
abandonment where you let go to the point you can't ever grab
it back. And what we'll sometimes do is we'll try to give it a lot to the Lord, but we'll have
like a pinky hold on it, you know, or something. And he says, no, you have to let it go. It's like
we want some kind of a connection to it, because even if we're touching it, we're close enough
where we can grab it, you know, at the last minute, if we decide to, he's like, no, make it
so that you can't emotionally grab ahold of it again, you'd have to create a new connection,
as opposed to simply strengthening one you've tried to weaken, you know, I'm trying to weaken
the connection, I'm trying to weaken the connection, but you still got a little connection
that you could strengthen it again, if you need to, at the last minute, he's like, no,
I need you to completely separate so that in order to be reconnected to that thing,
you have to start all over. We're talking about burning a bridge kind of a thing,
you have to emotionally burn the bridge and submit it to the Lord. And what you're doing
is you're choosing that Lord that thing that it was in my life, I'm choosing that you're that
thing in my life that you're that you're going to be in that place. And that I was using this
as my security blanket, I'm now using you being who it is that you are as my security blanket,
not that you will do a particular thing for me, Lord, or even act a particular way,
but that you will be who you are. And I'm choosing that as my security blanket that no matter how it
turns out, that my security will be the fact that you just always are you, and you're always
that in my life, not that you always do the things I want you to do. That's a huge, huge
difference. It's very hard. It's very hard. But that's ultimately what has to come down to. So
and then what I would recommend as well, and I'm just mentioning this just because
I thought of it early when you were talking earlier about like a as a journal, when you do
the journal and recommend that you don't tackle all of them every day. But you just pick I mean,
sort of you can do it like when they come up. Sure. But like in your journal, if you're like,
you know, I do this by choosing, you know, to live by doing the just, I recommend just picking
one to kind of like highlight that day, like, oh, the court case, something specific about the
court case, something specific about or something specific about, you know, your job or something.
I don't know, just whatever, just you feel the most that the heaviest that day,
that you feel the most like, entangled by that you just feel the most focus on, you know,
spiritual focus on or whatever. And because the point isn't necessarily to choose to give those
things up to the Lord. The point is actually just choosing him. If you choose him as first,
you will naturally let go of all of these. The reason I talk about letting go in order so much
is because that's where our focus is. So I'm like, okay, if you're already focused on it,
this is how you can let go because you're paying attention to it. But honestly, the faster,
easier way is to stop looking at it and then to choose that he's more powerful,
these things will naturally not be as important because you made a choice. All of them will go
away. So to speak at once, they'll all, they'll all be abandoned at once by default, because you
can only, you can't serve God and man. And you can only have one master. So if you've chosen this one,
you've automatically let go of these. If you're having a hard time grabbing a hold of him,
because you're holding onto these, you can do those let go tools that I recommended, you know,
in the rest intensity, you can go back and watch that. And that can, and you can like,
try to let go of something in a moment, just to the degree that you can, you don't have to
let go of all of it every single moment, just to what degree that you can. Every time you do that,
you're getting, you're making progress. God is pleased that you've chosen him to the degree
that you have, as opposed to, yeah, but you didn't do it all the way. We still have more work to go.
That's how we look at it in, in the world. So we think that's how God looks at it. And it's not,
it's the opposite. He's pleased that you chosen to the degree that you did. And to it.
So it's kind of like, oh, I want to. So today, when I want to go eat candy, because I want
comfort, I'm going to be like, No, I'm going to choose you to be my comfort, even if it's like,
ah, you know, kind of like that. Would that be one practical thing or no?
Uh, yeah, sort of. There's only been some times that that's actually worked for me to do it like
that to have something, especially with food, because I struggled with food, to have food,
and then to have something like that, where I was trying to get comfort from that. And just
to be able to shift it into something ethereal, like being, you know, an esoterical conceptual,
like, oh, just being comforted by God, I couldn't make.
The jump, it was too big of a gap, you know, because there's a reason why I was
going to candy, which can't comfort me.
I mean, it really doesn't.
So it was so it's so base of a thing that that's that the reason I'm going to that
and not something else that comforts me, because there's a lot of things that
comfort us is because we had that little strength that we were going to something
that base it, does that make sense?
Meaning like, because, because candy can't like comfort you, it's an escape.
It's what it is.
It's a, it's a suspension of reality for a moment.
It's like a minimum suspension and many suspension of reality.
That's why I keep calling it something like base.
It's like, it can't even emotionally comfort us.
It's just suspending us from free at, from reality for a while.
And so that's why I'm like, it doesn't, it's not even connecting with our comfort,
but we're using it to do that.
I mean, it's like we're struggling in our need for comfort that much.
So shifting into something, a theory of like, I'm just going to do that.
You comfort me.
That just doesn't work for me.
I wish it did because it sounds very spiritual.
It just doesn't.
So what I have done in moments like that is I feel subject.
I feel victim.
I feel I need comfort.
I'm not, everything is against me.
I feel small.
I don't feel that I am who God says that I am.
So I, instead in moments like that, I have to shift back into who it is that
God says that I am, and I have to do that by choice because I won't feel like it.
And I won't believe it, but I have to shift into that.
And then when I, and remember that, and when I do that, I realize again,
I have authority and I have rulership.
So what is it that I want to do?
Not what do I need to make sure to avoid?
What do I need to stop doing?
What do I need to not let myself do?
How do I need to be hard on myself?
Instead from that place of empowerment, how do I want to offensively live?
What do I want to create in my own life?
And it can take on different forms to depends on how much you're needing comfort.
If you feel powerful enough, do something that you want that actively, that
proactively create something positive in your life, like, like, I don't know, pick
up your room and like create order out of chaos.
Or go to the grocery store or do something.
But if you are struggling where you're like, I just need comfort,
you be the comfort for you.
Let your spirit, let your soul experience the safety of your spirit being its
parents and in, and let your soul, uh, and, and let your spirit show your soul,
that your soul can be what it is and be enjoyed and think of something
that your soul would like to do.
That's more constructive.
Like for me, I've got all kinds of projects that I like to do.
So I will let myself, and I've been doing this recently.
If I just kind of like, just need a little something different.
If something feels like work at the moment and I normally enjoy it.
I'm like, okay, I really just need to like recenter myself or whatever.
And I will give myself 10 minutes, 30 minutes, depending on the time, whatever
I need to work on my project.
That to me feels luxurious.
And that feels like I'm wasting my time.
Why?
Because I'm enjoying it.
And I have trained myself that if I'm enjoying it, it's wasting time and it's
bad, and I have to earn my right to enjoy it.
I have to earn it by doing all this other stuff.
Right?
So I have to choose.
No, Ashley, you are a, you are good.
You are perfect.
God wants you to enjoy life.
He wants to enjoy who you are.
So I'm going to set aside some time to comfort myself by enjoying me.
But pick something that's positive about yourself, that you're letting
yourself express you like painting.
You, you know, you've been getting into, I remember you got
into painting for, for a bit.
Like painting, it doesn't have to be a big, long, huge two hour project.
It can just be for five minutes, maybe for 10 minutes, do something or
reading your favorite book, or just give yourself a little bit where you are
luxuriously and pouring into you.
And, um, and that lets, and that's affirming to you that you're worthy.
It's comforting you and it's because it's, it's, um, showing that you're
worthy, it's showing that you're worthy of something and it's affirming it by
actually allowing it or say that it's affirming it by allowing it to be that
thing.
Um, I don't know how to explain that, but is that helpful?
Yeah.
Well, so helpful.
I was just writing.
I'm like, I'm just realizing how much I've seen myself as a victim and just
like, Oh no, I have no authority in my own life and I'm just going to do whatever.
And then God has to like, do, you know, like blame him.
But, um, yeah.
Yeah.
So helpful.
That's why.
In.
But in this breakthrough program, I really wanted to focus on the two things,
God and us. And one of the main things I'm focusing a lot on,
especially in this last half is about us. And it sounds selfish.
It sounds bad. It doesn't feel spiritual,
but that's actually one of our biggest hurdles is we are our biggest enemy.
And to our, you know, we're just, we, we've, um,
we villainized ourselves and we have to learn to accept ourselves because we can
only,
we can only receive God to the degree that we're receiving ourselves in a manner
of speaking. And so,
because those two are so closely tied together and we're born from him. And,
um, uh, so anyway, you, uh, when you're when in comfort,
that's what I would recommend.
That's how I do it for myself is I find something about myself that I can honor.
I can hold,
I can give space to be allowed to express and to just be itself without
requiring anything of it without changing it and without telling it,
it needs to be better.
It needs to be whipping into shape or it shouldn't be like this,
or we don't have time for this, you know,
show that it's worthy of setting aside time in the middle of the day when you
could be doing something else productive. Why? Because you're worth it.
And it'll start changing. Yeah. I promise you,
it will start changing your sense of self-worth because you are acting,
you've chosen something in faith and now you're acting on it.
It's not real faith and we're not really believing unless we act on it. Yeah.
You're right. Thank you so much. Sorry for hogging all the time, Priscilla.
I hope it's, uh, I hope it's helpful for you as well. I love your hair and makeup.
Oh, thank you. No, I've been giving myself a manicure.
Looks nice. Talking about pampering ourselves, right? That's right.
That's right. So how are you, Priscilla? How are things going?
Good. I actually wrote some things down, um, as we were talking,
just as things came to my mind. Um,
and I feel like I've had a very interesting week or weeks,
I would say, I'll try to share really quickly,
but something you said about how you know,
you know what the Lord or sometimes God gives you things that you,
that you know are shifting your whole life,
but you can't really like explain it is kind of how I would feel this last week.
And, um, that exercise that I,
that you recommend doing, um, the one about being,
just being with God and being with yourself.
And I really tried to be with myself first, but it scared me so bad that I was
like, okay, it's okay. I'm just going to go be with God first.
And I trust that that's going to give me, you know,
the courage I need to be alone with myself. And I remember, um,
it was actually after I'd gone to bed and I was just laying alone in the dark.
And I remember, um,
I remember feeling like what the Lord was showing me was, well,
I immediately thought about the feeling that I get when I, um,
like crawl into bed beside Arnold at night,
or when one of my kids comes to cuddle with me and it's just quiet and relaxing
and they're with me, like, it just feels like a warm blanket.
You know what I mean?
And I felt like that is,
that is what I see the Lord as right now,
like that warm sense of being and presence where it's like,
I'm safe and I belong and it like relaxes my whole body. Um,
yes. And also something that you said, um,
when you were talking in your,
in the last session was how you said that you'd always been taught that, you
know, God can't see sin. And so therefore he can't see you.
All he can see is, you know, your dread, your drenched shape.
And that I have struggled for years with that.
And I haven't really like given it much thought in the last few years,
but I felt like that was another piece to the puzzle for me of like, no,
like God sees me.
He sees me as a son of God. And cause I'm in Christ and he's in me,
but it's also not just, it's not just, um, how would you say,
like,
why would God have created me if all he wanted was his son and nothing else?
And it's not like, and that's the other thing is like,
I know I can't exist apart from Christ and yet I'm still a unique son.
So that was huge. Um, and I'm not worthless.
That's another thing that I really,
really struggled with is like apart from, I always thought like, well,
if I'm not a Christian or, um, in myself, I'm worthless.
And I don't, I don't know how to articulate why I don't believe that that's true
anymore, but I don't believe it anymore. And, um, I remember as a child,
like I would pray that the Holy spirit would control me. Like, you know, I just,
Oh, just take control, Lord.
And I'm realizing that that's not the interaction God wants.
Like he wants active participation and he wants, he wants me.
And that's also why I'm realizing why he uses marriage.
as like the picture of Christ and his church, because grooms don't want this deadbeat wife.
That's just like, Oh, whatever you want, at least not the healthy husband. That's not
what they want. They want an active participant who is like, no, this is my opinion. You know,
this is what I want. And, but it's because they're one, you know, Gwyneth Louise,
if you need something, if you need something, you have to ask daddy right now. Okay.
Um, anyway, so he wants me to interact with who it is that I am through being in Christ.
So that is like something I'm learning. Um, and then something else significant. Um,
when you were talking about how so often, um, um, we want, we want God to just, we want him
to be responsible for the things that happen for the choices that we make. And I think that's why
purity culture was such a huge boom because everybody was so afraid of messing up their
future. So they're like, well, we have to just be so short that we're marrying the right person.
That way everything's going to turn out. Okay. And that was totally me. Like I was so engulfed
in that whole thing. And, um, I've really struggled with owning my decision to marry
Arnold like since, um, since I've been realizing all this stuff, like, I'm like, Oh shoot. Like,
did I just marry him? Because I, that's where I felt like I had peace. Cause I was too scared
to marry anyone else, you know, and I was too scared to break up with him and, you know,
all these things. And we've talked about all this, so he knows all this stuff. But, um,
since I feel like in the last month, all of these exciting things that have been happening for me,
I had a dream about the first guy that ever asked me out. I was 17. He was a total sweetheart. He
was so kind and he had like this amazing family. And I, but I said, no, after six months of turmoil,
like I was just, I did not, I made him wait that long. And then I said, no. And my dear father
called him on Valentine's day to tell him no, which was absolutely awful. But I had a dream
that I said yes to him. And in the dream, it was so strange because in the dream, I said yes.
And I was so incredibly happy. And I, I know this sounds so sketch, but I promise there's a good
ending, but I remember, and that was the other thing like Arnold and I had a completely hands
off relationship. And it was very, I was scared of making any wrong moves, you know,
but in this dream, I had said yes to him. And the first time I met up with him, it would,
we were so happy. And like, we kissed and hugged and like held hands. And then we met his family
and I knew his family really well. And everybody was so happy. And anyway, and then I woke up from
this dream and I was like, Oh my word, why would I dream that? Why would I be so happy in the dream?
And instead of freaking out, I remember exactly where it was. I was in my bathroom and it was like,
I chose instead to like, listen to my spirit. And I was like, you know what? I think the Lord is
telling me that no matter which guy I would have chosen, he would have made it good. And not only
that, but my last name is good. Now, like you can stop, but it's because of Arnold. Arnold is the
one who gave me that name, you know? And anyway, and then I had another dream, uh, but probably
about a week later about another guy, which was my first ever crush. And we were dating and I was
happy and, but I wasn't like totally invested. I was like, Oh my word. So, um, I feel like I have
come to, I have been able to like totally give that air. I felt it was, it was kind of weird,
but I felt like I, for the first time ever, like I remember I was sitting in my tub when I was like
processing all this stuff. And I, I remember I grieved that relationship and I had never grieved
it before. Like the first guy that asked me, because I always felt guilty doing that. Cause
I was like, well, I should just be so glad that I told him no, you know, but instead I was like,
wow, he was a really sweet guy that wanted me. And he was super nice. And I'm sad, you know,
that he's not in my life anymore, but I'm also really happy with my life the way that it is.
Anyway, all of this stuff, I feel like it's actually more redemption. Yes. Um,
so the other thing that this is just like a side note, but it's something I've always struggled
with. And I remember processing this with you, um, Ashley was, I could never understand, like I
have, I was raised that you never get divorced and for sure not married. If you get divorced,
like everybody will judge you, but it's okay. If you were like almost beaten to death or whatever,
you could never like get remarried. Cause then you would definitely go to hell.
And so we've been like, and I always struggled with that because I was like, God, why do you
make someone else responsible for somebody else's decisions? You know what I mean? Like if you get
married and then, um, you know, your husband is abusive or he cheats on you. She's like,
oh yeah, too bad. Like, yeah, you don't have to live with any money anymore, but God's never
going to let you love anyone else. And nobody else may ever love you. And I'm like,
this just does not line up with who I feel like you are. But at
the same time, I have a lot of trouble trying to like navigate
scripture because it does kind of sound like you're not allowed
to. So anyway, we were actually processing this with our
counselor and he gave us a it was just like this little
photocopied piece of paper where this I don't even remember his
name, but he basically explained the meaning of the Greek words
and like all all of the reasons why divorce remarriage is
allowed in certain situations. And I remember in that moment,
this was already like a couple months ago. But I remember in
that moment being like, Oh, shoot, like, I can tell I'm
starting to believe this. And I should feel really scared. But
at the same time, I knew that I had peace. And I and I felt the
familiar safety of the truth. And so I was like, no, like
instead of resorting back to this fear driven mindset, I'm
going to go where peace is and where like faith is. And I feel
like even just that made me realize is how much I was
holding against God and even just that belief, like knowing
and feeling like, well, you're not good to people, you know,
you punish people for other people's wrongdoings. And you're
not a safe place for people who are abused, you know, and all
that stuff. So I feel like even that kind of started setting me
up for a lot of these breakthroughs. So absolutely, I
would say those, those are all the amazing parts. And I mean,
not even all of them, there's so many more. But I think one thing
that I, I'm kind of like, I'm not panicking about, it's more
like, every time I'm like, this is amazing. There's like this
little thing in the back of my mind where I'm like, shoot, I'm
I don't know what to do with this. And that is my business.
And you know, my business has always been that thing, that
thing that's always there that I'm never sure if it should be
there or not. And I just feel like I'm not sure. I'm not sure
where to go with it. Because financially, it's literally
changed our lives. And like Arnold wouldn't have to go to
work, we could just live off of that income. But at the same
time, I feel like I'm it's just in this constant turmoil with
it. And especially with my team, like if it was just my
customers, I'd be like, fine. But like, lately, I have had no
energy for it. I don't, I just want to like disappear from
Instagram forever. And I, and at the same time, I'm so scared of
being without my business, because I feel like I am really
terrified to live without financial security in that way.
And I don't know, like, I don't know, this part of my life, I
feel like I'm so scared to. I just feel like there's so much
fear there for me that I can't tell if I'm in the spirit or in
the soul. And I don't know. I don't even know how to talk
about it. And the other night when I was praying about it, I
did, I, I was like, Okay, well, maybe what I should be doing is
accepting the fact that this financial blessing is just that
like, it is a blessing and to believe like, I've always felt
guilty for the amount of money that I've been able to make and
how not effortless it's been, but it has been a really good
journey, you know? And I'm like, well, maybe I should just
believe that and choose that God actually wanted to
extravagantly bless me that way. And he wasn't like sitting back
with his arms folded the whole time being like, why are you
doing this? Yeah, I mean, it's going well, but man, I'm so
disappointed in you. So I don't know. And at the same time,
yeah. Yeah, I just don't know. So there's my, my verbal throw
up. No, it's all it's all great. For one thing, I just want to
comment on all the positive. I'm so excited for you. There's so
much in which you know, even those things like, and I was
excited to see the connection that you saw between your
discussion with the counselor, you know, about like, you know,
what it got me when he was talking about this in Scripture
and whatever, and that you recognize that that was
significant to your current conversation, your current
relationship with the Lord, because it wasn't about the the
subject itself. It was the fact that that it would that that
subject, your your issue with that subject was, where was part
of how your struggle with the Lord was manifesting. It was
like, Hey, look, I just don't think you're safe. Here's a good
example. I don't think you're trustworthy. I don't think that
you protect the the widows, the orphans, the, you know, the, the
abused the, in other words, the weak, I don't think that you
protect the weak and whatever. And you saw how just that how a
subject like that was, or, you know, God's addressing of that
subject like that broke you into a greater
a greater choice and a more powerful decision to choose that he actually is safe.
In a new way into a deeper level than you'd allow yourself to choose before. So, um, so it just that
as that, that as one example of everything you're talking about, so it's very exciting for you.
Uh, and then obviously your dreams and all of that. Um, and, uh, because those are ways in which
there are things like deep performance that we've had that God just brings to the surface of our
soul to deal with. And then they're just, they're cut off. And then love the fact that you agreed
to that, that you allowed yourself to face it instead of feeling threatened by feeling of
like, well, wait a minute, you know, why should I give any time to it, to grieve it? If I've made
this other choice, you know, and really the only way that we can release something is to face it,
to let it come up and out because we don't let it come out up and out. Well, then we, uh, or if we
deny it, all of those things are cycling. And then they stay with us instead of us releasing
them. So that is really good. It's all very, very brave. Most people would not have been able to be
that brave. Um, and, um, so I just see that the Lord of God's very clear mark that he's wanting
to just continually free you from these things that you've been in bondage to that. And the
bondage isn't like, well, see, you've been bad. It's like, no, that you've been weighted down by
things that you, that you don't have to be weighed down by because I was like, Oh my word. No, no,
let's break this one off. And you don't need this one. And you don't need this, but he's just like
taking different weights off of you. Um, just because he's that good. And I love it. And he
doesn't want you to have to live with it anymore. So as opposed to condemning you for, why did you
take on the weight? He's just like, Oh my word. No, no, no, no. We don't need that. And I want
more for you than this one, you know? So that's exciting. Um, and then as far as like the difficult
thing that you're talking about, um, I've been wanting to talk more about some details about
like your business and how things and where your particular struggle is. I know that you say it's
in your team, but I think that it, uh, that you need more X that, um, that it could use more
exploration and excavation than that. And so that's one of the things that I would recommend
that you start doing is suspend the meaning of the outcome, like just suspend what it would mean
for your life. If things were to be very, very different. So basically just put yourself in what
I call a sandbox. Cause that's an, that's an it software development term where basically you get
to work and re in a mock-up of reality, but it actually doesn't affect reality. So you can like
error out and get all these and all these bugs can manifest themselves in the software and you
can fix them. And they actually aren't, you don't have to bury the consequences of them in reality.
It's you're just in this sandbox or in this like playground where you're protected to like figure
out what would happen if I do this? Oh, shoot. Yeah. I don't want to do that, but you're not
actually doing it in real life. So it doesn't, it's not affecting you. And so, but the only way
to do that is to basically get into a place with the Lord where you just suspend reality for a
minute. This is not reality suspend the potential outcome of what could happen to your life as a
result of all of these things in order to discover what it is you truly want and what the Lord really
wants. And then start going through the different aspects of the problem. And here's what I mean.
It's like, okay, if you could suspend reality of what, how business works, completely suspended,
completely suspended reality of how, how you've grown your business, what's worked, what hasn't
worked what's required of you, whatever. Like, well, I've already tried that and it doesn't
work. If I do it like that or suspend spirit past experience as well, like, Hey, I've already tried
that and it doesn't work. Suspend now completely blank slate. If, and then start picking apart your
business and start thinking, okay, if I could literally design business itself to work the way
that I wanted, what would it look like? And so then you'll start discovering, I like this part.
I like this interaction. Like say for instance, you're like, Hey, if it was just my customers,
that'd be great, but I really don't. So my struggle right now is the team.
So are you thinking like, okay, well, to what degree is that? So start taking out aspects of
your, of your, of your interaction with the team. Like if you were to take it all out,
like, okay, take them all out. And either you'd have your own line where you'd still have your
downline, but you're not responsible for any of your team. Are you really happy? And really think
about that. Really put yourself into that reality. And are you happy? Or is it like, well, no, I don't,
I don't mind helping the team with this. And my goodness, if I could never talk to them,
then I'd be sad because I actually like that. But you don't discover that until you kind of like,
put yourself into that reality and kind of live it for a minute and be, and then you
realize what parts you like, what parts you don't, and then you can kind of narrow in on, okay, this.
It's this aspect right here.
I'd like all the other stuff to remain the same.
This is such a big pain point.
It's coloring everything else.
And I think I don't like anything that any, I think I don't like the whole team
aspect and really it's just this aspect of it.
And then you can start exploring with the Lord.
Lord, are you telling me in my spirit, I need to get rid of that or I
need to do that part different.
And so, or you might discover that God wants you to get rid of
their business altogether.
I don't know that that's true.
I'm not even, I'm not telling you for Lord.
I think that's true.
In fact, I, I highly doubt that I'm just saying, I have no idea
what's going to come out of this.
But what I've noticed from my past experience is that usually
it's not the whole thing.
There's just one part that is hurting so bad that, that other parts of it's
like a body part or whatever, that's hurting so bad, but the pain is shooting
up here, up here, there's nothing wrong with it.
It's just right here.
It's just that the pain is shooting all the way up here.
So you're like, oh my word, my arm hurts.
My neck hurts.
My, whatever, really, if you just got rid of this, everything else is fine.
You don't have a problem with anything else.
You might want to explore that with the Lord, but the way to do that is the
only way to do that is spend reality and stop telling yourself, oh yeah,
but that doesn't work in reality.
That's not how business works, whatever, create in your own mind, this
world in which, you know, laws and rules don't exist, how, how would you structure
How would you do it?
And then just kind of explore some stuff with the Lord.
And, and because, and here's why you can do that.
You can do it for a variety of reasons, but let's get really spiritual about
it is because God can do anything.
And the thing is that you as a spirit being can bring something new into the world.
When Jesus walked on water, that wasn't normal and yet he did it.
So you never know how it is that you're going to do your business, even the way
from what I hear from your business, it, it seems like it had God's favor on it.
That cause you were doing stuff.
Sure.
You did stuff that was very unique.
And that, you know, you gave that and God gave you that mind.
But I think that part of it was him giving you those ideas and the two of you doing
some stuff together and whatever other people, and you know, this from working
with your team, other people have tried to copycat you exactly to do what you do.
And they're not getting the same results.
And you're like, well, why me and not them?
And I don't even know.
I'm telling him to do all this stuff and we're trying to figure out.
Like, that's why I feel like I don't deserve a team.
Like, and I literally had a team member message me last week.
And she's like, I had, I had done a coaching call with her and she was like,
Oh, I told you guys about that.
I think I was wondering if it was that one.
Yeah.
And she was like, oh, well, I just learned that.
I, you can, you were successful and I can't be like, see, Lauren, she sees
this, she saw right through me.
No, but, um, what you get.
So keep your business going.
And I'm not telling you what to do with your business.
Like, I think that the Lord wants you to keep going in your business.
If whatever it is comes out of this, this exercise with the Lord.
Um, and if during any part of this, you mess it, you're, you're walking
to a message in a Facebook app or whatever, and you'd be like, Hey, look,
I've kind of this part where you think about this part, you know, to kind
of help you through it, but just like, so I don't mean you have to go off by
yourself, but generally, you know, um, you know, we're, we're with you in it,
but just generally, you know, just go through this process with the Lord.
And the thing is that what I'm telling you is whatever it ends up looking like.
Keep it going in the way that you started it, which was effortlessly in the spirit,
not by doing all of these laws and rules of, well, it only works it, or I'm trying
to learn all these business tactics.
And then I'm going to play and play all the formulas to get a specific
results that didn't happen for you.
Someone could try to back engineer and say, well, yeah, she was using this
principle and she was using this principle.
Yeah.
But if I remembered your story correctly, you were just kind of
going a lot more from the heart and be like, Oh, this feels good.
And this feels good.
And whatever it's, who it is that you are that brought the spirit of God
and life in heaven into what it is you were doing.
That is Jesus walking on water.
It's bringing in the kingdom of God and it's superseding the way
the kingdom of the world works.
So that is what is special about you and all of your downline.
And that is what you have to offer your downline.
So they can't perfectly copycat you and get this same results, but what you can
get, so that's not something that you have to give them why, because that's
not what you actually did.
What you did is you gave it your spirit.
Teach them to give it their spirits and you have to pull it out of
them because they don't know.
They don't know that aspect of themselves.
It probably haven't touched that part of themselves before that
part of themselves was never honored.
They were probably told to stifle it.
I talked to a lady.
She wasn't, she wasn't men.
And I, we did ministry.
you know, in Houston, a few, a couple of weeks ago, and this lady walked up to me, I think I
may have told y'all about her. She was buttoned up to here. They didn't, it had long hair down,
at least her waist full. She and her mom, you know, long skirt. She looked men in night, but
she didn't wear the cap. And, and she, and she came up to me. And so she's having me pray for
like her gift of tongues and for all this other stuff. And she said, she said, I can't, he said,
can you tell me how, how can I, how can I feel me? She couldn't access herself. She could not feel
feelings because she was so shut down. She didn't know what she felt about things. And I told her,
I said, is because you don't, you shut yourself down to the point where you don't let yourself
access you. So you're not going to be able to experience certain things about how to remember
how I worded it. But basically I said, you need to pray and ask the Lord to help you get access
to you. And I said, you need to realize that you're not something to be afraid of. You're afraid of
you. So you don't want to let yourself feel you. You don't want to let yourself show who you really
are. And so I said, you, as the first thing is it's trust that you're actually good and that
you're going to find good things, not that you're bad, because then you're going to be afraid of
yourself. Then just start opening yourself up. So anyway, my point is a lot of people, especially a
lot of people in your, in your downline, not everyone, but a lot of them are very conservative.
They're going to have those issues. And even if they're not conservative, I mean,
listen to us, we're talking about this here in the breakthrough program too, because we all struggle
with this. We all struggle with shutting ourselves down because we thought we were bad. So that's one
of the great things that you have to give of yourself. And again, it's not, it's something
that you have within you. Like if you're wondering like, well, how would I teach them this? How would
I do this through your spirit? You show up in your spirit and you treat your team and the
leadership of your team in the same way that you grew your business. What feels good? Where's my
passion? Where's my whatever look at me and what I did for the first three sessions that I didn't
like the first three, like not the Q and A's the Q and A's I was myself, but like those other
teachings. I was like, they just feel flat. They don't feel like me. They don't have a heart in it.
And yet I poured myself. I literally spent hours creating those sessions. And I'm like, I mean,
like the notes for him and the research or not the research, but like the research of the
scripture verses and all of this stuff. And, and I was just like, Lord, this isn't working. Finally,
I just suspended it all and did the last session. And all of a sudden everything came to life again.
I'm like, okay, there I am. And that's how God, my point is that's how God wants me to show up.
He wants me to show up with me and stop thinking that no, there's probably some rules I'm supposed
to be following that'll help people get more effective, more effective help. No, they need
my spirit because it was my spirit that gained the authority in this area of rest or breakthrough
or whatever. And that's the thing that needs to be imparted to them. So your spirit and who it is
that you are needs to be imparted to the team. And you can do that in the same way you do your
business. Okay. What feels right? What feels, you know, and I'm not meaning that just how we were,
you know, whatever, or childish, it's just, you know, how you did your business, just,
you know, you're a grown woman. That part of you that is a fully adult and yet goes with your
spirit, you know, just what feels right and trust it and that, and then you will, your spirit has
power behind it and things will happen. And I don't prepare for these calls. I don't prepare
for Q and A's. I don't have people send me questions ahead of time so I can prepare.
I just show up and trust that the Lord is going to give me what I need in the moment.
When y'all talk, I had the answer immediately, or you ask a question. I had the answer immediately.
How? Because I trust, I show up simply trusting I am who God says that I am. Okay, Lord, here I am
with my spirit. I don't know the answer to all of these questions. I don't have all of these
experiences. What do I do? Can y'all still hear me? I think Denise died. Okay. So anyway,
is that helpful at all to at least start you out? Yeah, it is. And I'm really excited about
doing that actually, because I feel like that will really help me separate the sheep from the goats
when it comes to like what I love and what I don't. And I really liked the analogy of the sandbox
because I feel like beforehand, I always stopped myself short because I'd be like, well, it's not
going to work, you know, it's actually not gonna. So it helps to know that just to be able to daydream
and I would love to like actually send you guys what I come up with.
Yeah, love that. Yeah, well, good, good. And part of what will help in there is again,
to trust that what comes out of you and what you feel, remember, you're not gonna look you're not,
you're not making. How do I describe it? You're not.
and it's it's a sandbox you can't harm anything or mess anything up so just
totally suspend the reality and then do all of that and enjoy you being you
that's what I'm trying to say do this exercise enjoying being you because it's
you that you're needing access to in order to discover the answers if that
part of you that's connected with God you and your spirit y'all are the ones
that that know what it is you really want and what's really gonna work what's
really needed what it is you don't like that's where you're searching for the
answer it's just it's not your head and so you have to suspend your head you
have to choose hey you know I have the answers within me why because God is
within me and he knows what's going on I'm just trying I'm just getting it all
entangled with my soul that has no idea what's going on so I'm trying to get to
the part of me and God that that that has more wisdom and that knows so
anyway so trust that that place is good that that place is not anything to be
afraid of and then you just watch what comes out and we'll discover things
about yourself you'll discover things about the Lord awesome yeah I love that
okay well good all right well I will say Thursday okay so I will see y'all on
Monday and if y'all have any questions or whatever just pop in there in the
chat.
Okay, thank you!
Thank you!
Bye!