Hey. Hey, how you doing? I'm good. How are you? Good. You look like a fun soccer mom.
I'm actually a tired, greasy haired mom. Just a regular mom today.
That's so funny. Well, I don't know if you knew, but today is a very exciting day for me. I started working with Josh. Josh Fryler.
Yes, Carrie said. Oh my goodness.
Yes, I'm excited. We had our first meeting today so that he could walk me through where he is on one of his projects.
Anyway, getting back into all of that business stuff. I'm very excited about it.
Josh and I talked about this years ago. When I first met him, he was in marketing.
But then over time, he switched into doing what I used to do.
When I decided that I wanted to get back into it, I reached out to Josh and he did. He said, actually, this is perfect timing.
Carrie said it was a huge answer to prayer.
Which was great because it was a huge answer to my prayers as well. In fact, I had a dream about it. Hey, Ed.
I had a dream about it. I'm not really sure if I told y'all this or not. Did I tell you about the dream that God gave me about going back to work?
I don't think so.
I was planning to go back to work and Ed says that my brain is one of those that needs to be watched like a dog.
My analytical brain needs something to noodle on and a challenge.
I think that all of your hobbies are giving you enough mental stimulation.
You're right.
Because they were great for a while and then after a while, they just don't provide the mental challenge.
I decided to go back to work.
I didn't know. I was like, okay, what should I look for?
Should I look for just anything or look for something I've already done?
I had this dream where there was a salon where you've got all of these different booths and everybody rents that space.
They have their own business.
It was like that only in my dream, there were seven desks.
Three of them belonged to this one hairdresser and she was leaving so it was going to be available.
I thought, oh, well, maybe I could do that.
I could rent that space and I could be a hairdresser.
Then this other lady jumped in my dream and she said, oh, no, no, no.
I'm going to ask to rent that space.
I was like, okay, we'll give it to her and then I'll look for something else.
Not everybody in this place to rent booths, not everyone was a hairdresser.
It just happened to be the two that I was talking about that I looked at in my dream, they were hairdressers.
Anyway, there was this one other desk that a hairdresser was going to leave.
I was like, okay, well, if my friend's going to take this, well, I'll just take this other one.
All of a sudden, I caught myself in the dream thinking, why on earth am I, if I'm looking for a job, why on earth am I looking to create a business from something that I don't know anything about?
Why don't I pick something within my wheelhouse, something that I already know how to do?
I woke up from the dream and I knew from that dream, because of how it ended, I knew that God was telling me, Ashley, don't just take anything.
Ed and I had talked about just me getting a job at Hobby Lobby to get employee discounts and just have fun.
It's something that wasn't mentally taxing, but it would get me out of the house and doing something.
I was wondering, well, Lord, am I supposed to be open to that or am I supposed to be specific?
What I have for you is to look for something within your wheelhouse and your past experience.
I remember Josh and two other people and reached out to all three.
Josh got back to me within an hour and said, hey, do you have time this afternoon?
I said, I do.
I'm going to marry you.
Wow.
I love that.
That's how it worked out.
Annette, I was just telling Priscilla that I haven't worked an actual job job outside of my ministry for, I don't know, at least,
four, four years, if not five. And, um, and today I started to
work, uh, started, um, a contract job with her brother-in-law.
Oh, wow. So it's the first day. Yeah. Because of, uh, Oh, good.
We, we just, it was pretty easy. We just had a meeting about, uh,
for him to catch me up on where they are on where he is on his
project. And, and to give me an assignment of like the first
thing that, that, um, you know, that I can take on. So that's
what, anyway, so that was my stuff today, along with the fact
that I'm really not feeling well at all. I'm able to be this
perky because I took ibuprofen. I had to take two ibuprofen. Like
I had to double the dose this morning to get on the, on the
call with Josh. Cause it was like, I need my brain. I've got
to, I can't have brain fog. I really have to concentrate. So I
took two this morning and then I, when we got off, I laid down
and I took a nap for at least an hour and a half or an hour, 45
minutes, something like that. And then I got up for this call
and Ed made me lunch and I took another ibuprofen. I don't know
what I asked. I had a little bit of a fever this morning, but
it's one of those where you have aches and pains all over. You
just like, it's just not fun. But yeah, those are my updates.
So who's going to go first today? Annette, you want to go
first today?
Sure. Um, I don't, I've been listening to the teaching like a
couple of times and I'm, I'm not going to say I'm trying. So I'm
going to say I'm embracing the parts of myself that I don't
like. I'm, I'm, I'm,
are you trying to understand what I'm saying in the, in the
teaching? Or, or is it like, Oh, no, it's more, it's more that I
it's more that I get it, but I don't get it. You know what I
mean? Like I get it, but I don't know how to do it. You know,
like, I mean, I'm, I'm, and then I'm not gonna like, so I want to
say try. And then I'm like, so that's how I know I'm not, you
know, like, I'm, I think a lot of things were like,
resonating, as I was listening to it, like, I've definitely
like, even before listening to it, I had this, um, this day,
and I was just like, you know, accepting my body or whatever.
And I just like started crying, because I was like, Oh, I'm so
sorry. Like, I've been really mean to you, you know, like, and
like, people have been really mean to you, you know, like
throughout your entire life. And it was just like, it was one of
those things. And so I think I'm starting to like, embrace that.
And, um, yeah, I started working out again, today, I got my
kitchen, like, there's like some things like, just physically
that are like falling into place, like just but, but I can
still feel that I'm like, my heart is racing still. And you
know, so I'm not able to live fully in rest with like
everything that's going on. You know what I mean? So I feel
like, Oh, my heart is racing. I'm at the conference. And I was
like, I'm like, I'm gonna go and see what she talks on. And if
it's not aligned with what I'm teaching, like learning right
now, I'm just gonna leave. But then it was so I was like, Okay,
well, here's like some physical, like, being able to just like
respond and go get prayer and you know, like all these things.
So it was like a really beautiful weekend. But at the
same time, I noticed I'm having a hard time connecting when I'm
like around a lot of people if that makes sense. Like I it's
it's easier when I'm kind of like by my by myself at home. I
don't know. So I don't know, I'm having like a hard time. I can
like feel the presence but it's like it's, it's a lot of
commotion for me many times when I'm there. It's like, you know,
like people's like all the stations and falling down, you
know, and I'm like, and it's fine. Like, I'm not bothered by
it. But it's like, um, yeah,
you're something like lots of activity or
sorry. So it's busy and noisy. Like lots of activity or
yeah, I just feel like I get very aware of everybody else
that's around if that makes sense. Okay, yeah. So it's like
if I just sit in the morning with God, I can like feel his
presence. And I'm like, I can connect more with what he's
wanting to show
know me or you know, but then when I'm at church, and it's
like a lot of people, it just becomes so chaotic. It's like,
so it's so many people, it's so many, I can't really, I can't
just connect in and out of like, worship, you know, like,
what are you asking? Do you feel like you're struggling to
connect to people as you're shifting person? I mean, oh,
yeah. So you don't know this. So it's actually I've since I was
in the States. And with like, Iris ministries, and all of
this, I had like this really tight community of people. And
I felt like we were going after kind of like this, you know,
like, you're going after the same thing. And it's like,
everybody's kind of like connecting the same in worship.
And then when I came back, it was like, I just couldn't
connect with my church anymore. And like the people that I'd
been had, yeah, and like the people I'd been hanging out
with wasn't there anymore. And the people that there were a few
that were left of the people that I'd been hanging out with
before, but it was like, I didn't connect with them the
same same way. And so and then COVID came, you know, and it
was like, and then everybody was at home. And it was just I could
then feel like I would get more and get closer to God doing
programs like this, you know, connecting with people online,
worshipping at home, you know, so it's been so I haven't really
I've just been on it. So they probably think I've walked away
from my faith or something, you know, everybody's just like, Oh,
my goodness, it's so good to see you. It's like, I mean, it's,
it's, it's, yeah, so I've kind of like been because I love
community and all of that. But I've been kind of looking for
haven't really found anything here. There aren't that many,
you know, churches, and I don't want to go just to go, you know,
just because, you know, that's kind of not what's sustaining
my faith. And I Yeah. But anyway, so that was like my
first time time back. And it was I mean, it was it was a good
conference. And I got a lot of things, but I could still feel
that I can relate to what you're talking about, where it's like,
Oh, I haven't, like, why haven't I gotten further, you know, or
why am I not getting this? Or I can feel where I'm like, Oh, I
felt like I had breakthrough. Like y'all know, before, like
the court ruling came and all of that, and now kind of walking it
after, when you were talking about the forgiving, like
ourselves and God, then I kind of felt like, Oh, wow, I should
probably forgive her to you. Like, I have forgiven her to
some extent for what she's done for my dad, too much what she
did to my dad. But then there was like a whole nother layer of
just like forgiving, actually, like, leaving him alone, you
know, like that. And then it's almost like I could see a door
was being shut. So I felt like, Oh, I felt like, what it felt
like to me was, as I felt as I did that, God closed the door,
because he was like, Thank you, this is what I needed to fully
close the door, I needed you to like release that forgiveness,
you know, but then I kind of freak out after because I'm like,
Oh, no, now I'm expecting this outcome to be standing or like,
should I be doing that? So I'm still struggling in that, you
know, where I'm like, still trying to. So there was
something else you said in the teaching where I'm like, Oh,
yeah, that's exactly what it is. And I forget what it was. But
it's kind of like, I'm choosing to believe he's all these
things. And he has manifested in goodness, both in this and like
with all the dreams and everything, you know what I mean?
Like, but at the same time, I think there's I can still feel
there's part of me that's kind of expecting him to just like
pull the rug, you know, to be like, Oh, well, now I'm gonna do
this, because now you got this, but will you do I think when you
told your story about not getting the thing, you know, and
I was like, Oh, yeah, that's probably part of me is still
feeling like, oh, he's probably gonna pull the rug to see like,
well, will you still stick with me then, you know, so I still
have that thing. And I'm like, Oh, I, I want to be further. And
then you were talking about no love the places in yourself
where you haven't gotten where you want to be. And I'm like,
yes. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah. Well, um, yeah, the thing about the
um, about Yeah. Sorry, I'm trying to figure out how to how
to start because my mind is like already in
middle of a conversation about where I'm going. They're not
with you actually have to back up and start over. We feel like
we're, you know, what we talked about last time, you know,
there's this, this waiting for the shoe to drop this risk of
disappointment, etc. Because we we've built well, multiple
reasons, but one of it is we have built this theology of our
relationship with not not our relationship with God, and how
God interacts with this and what he like, does to us, and how he
teaches us that isn't quite accurate. We've believed that
well, he does all of this stuff to teach us lessons. And to make
sure that we've learned our lesson. And there, like I said,
there's something about what it is that we believed about all of
that, what what that means to like, learn a lesson that, like
I said, isn't accurate. So God's view of learning lessons is and,
and taking us through or allowing things to happen that
are stretching for us is not like it wasn't school where
you're where you have to take a test and you're abandoned and
alone, and you had all this build up for weeks, teaching you
something, and you have a test to ensure that you've learned it
and you're based and you're very alone when you take the test,
you're not allowed to talk to anybody, you don't like anybody
else's paper, no talking, no, you know, it isolates you in the
person, you know, there's this fear that can creep up. You know,
some people are very bad test takers, they can all this stuff
with a very bad test takers for this reason, that they that they
kind of freeze when they have to quote unquote, perform. And
there's this mini trauma that has that has arisen in us as a
thinking that when we're when we're going through a test, or
when we're learning a lesson, in any area, including with the
Lord, that it's going to be a very isolating event, that he's
already taught us everything we're supposed to know. And at
that point, and now we're being left alone, tested to on
remembering everything that he's already taught us. And that's
not quite how it works. So what what is happening is when we're
going through a testing period, it's where we're being
stretched, where we'll be where God is like he has invested
things in us, and he's taught us things about himself. And he
wants us to step out in faith. But there's always an amount
that we haven't yet learned that you're stretched in the test. So
the test is still like a learning thing, you're still
learning in it, and you're not alone, he's with you, because
his whole point is not for us to do certain things to execute to
perform his whole purpose, what it is that he's, that he's
trying to get us to an end life is how to live life with him,
how to have a relationship with him. So part of the test is us
interacting with and relating with the Lord, while and he's
teaching us during the test. But the test is just stretching.
We're like, okay, so so here's my point. Part of it is part of
my point is, there's just a lot going on in this in this
subject. But part of my point is that you don't have you haven't
learned everything you need to learn by the time you get in the
test. The test is you applying what it is that you know,
because God's giving you a particular direction, but he's
still with you in the test, y'all are still talking about
you're still learning how to how to how to implement it, how to
step into it, how to relate to him, how to believe that he is
who he is, despite the, despite the attack of the threat of what
the world is doing at the time that seems so counter. And it
seems to evidence the exact opposite to whatever God is
saying, you know, and then there's, and then there's also a
there's a further risk that you haven't experienced before in
any, in any of the other tests, there's like, okay, well,
there's this one will have to stretch a bit more. So it kind
of, my point is saying all that is it, it hopefully, this is how
it is for me, it relieves me of the pressure during the test.
Like, I'm supposed that it's all about getting it right. It's not
about getting it right. It's not about passing. That's what we
always think of this test is there's all of this groundwork
of learning. And then let's see if you, you regurgitate it
alone. And let's see if you pass. And if you don't pass,
well, then we're going to do it again. It's not like this past
thing. It's more, it's more just like, hey, I'm needing you to
stretch. So in this situation that is called a test, stretch.
And if you don't stretch, well, then we're going to go around again, because we're going
to go around again so that this time you'll stretch, but it's not a pass fail thing.
Also tests are God simply are not punishment, you know, for something that we've done wrong.
It's actually just simply an invitation to move into more freedom.
So that's all that it is.
It's not, Hey, let's make sure that you've learned the right thing.
Make sure you memorize the rules and that you interact with it correctly and they do
the right actions and all of that.
It's instead God's what tests are, what suffering and trials are, or where the aspects of our soul
and our body, our flesh are not in line with our spirit.
And that's what the trust and trial is.
That's what the struggle is.
It's the fact that body and that flesh and spirit are warring against one another.
God says, you know, your soul and your flesh, your soul and your body, they're, they're
currently manifesting the fact that they're in bondage and they're in, they are opposite
acting opposite of the, of the spirit, meaning like your spirit.
And so therefore you're going to experience pain because it's a house divided against
itself.
It's not supposed to be like that.
And so whenever it's acting outside of its normal way that it was created to function,
it's going to create pain because like, I want to invite you into freedom.
I want you're in bondage now.
Life is actually a lot harder now than it would be if you changed than it would be if
you stretch than it would be if you believed me.
So what I'm doing is I'm inviting you to step into more freedom.
I will treat you the same.
I will talk to you the same.
You may communicate with you the same and relate with you the same if you don't do it.
Why? Because you have all of me now.
You're completely unified with me now, just like you would be if you did this, you know,
and you went in, you stretched and you believed me and all of that.
Oh, I, you have just as much as me now as you will have of me then, because you're
completely unified, but you won't get to experience as much of me.
If you stay here, then you would, if you, if you did this.
So what he's simply doing is he's giving us, he's already given us everything of
himself. Think of the, of how the father reacted when the prodigal son came home.
That's like, it's always open, but are you going to take this step and choose that
you want it or not?
But as far as I'm always going to look on you favorably, I'm always going to be
looking for you to come home.
I'm always excited about it.
You know, I'm always whatever, everything, you know, our communication, you know, I'm
going to still talk to you.
I'm going to still guide you.
You know, I don't shut off communication.
If you choose to not step into this other thing, you're just limiting the degree to
which we interact and relate, and therefore you don't get all of the benefits.
So it's all, it's all, all of these struggles and trials are simply an invitation into
more freedom, not, you know, this is a test to see if you've learned something.
Does that help at all?
It, you know, for me, it has tremendously opened me up and freed me in the middle of
tests and struggles, struggles, trials, you know, pain, because I'm not so afraid of
making mistakes of getting it wrong because God's not testing me.
Like I was tested in, by it, in the world.
He's inviting me into more freedom.
It's uses the same word test, but it's, but it doesn't, um, we're not isolated and
alone.
He hasn't taught us everything we need to know in order to pass the test.
The rest of it is done in the middle of it, you know, and he offers his assistance and
you can ask questions during the test and it will help you during the test.
Because remember that all of the test is, I want you to stop doing it and let me do
it.
That's all of the tests.
All of the tests are always stop doing it and let me do it as opposed to in the world,
which is no, I'm not going to help you.
And you've got to do it on your own.
This is like, this isn't even like, Hey, I'll do it with you.
It's like, Hey, what I'm teaching you to do is I'm teaching you, you know, talking
about like moving into more freedom.
I'm teaching you that, that you no longer have to do this for yourself.
Trust me enough to let go and let me do that.
And those are all of our tests.
So there, so tests and trials and struggles, it's always a good thing.
It's always about a good thing.
It's always about a good experience.
The difficulty of the experience is the fact that we don't want to let go, but
everything that we're moving towards, it's all positive.
And the process itself is positive because the process itself is doing it with the
Lord, where we don't have to be afraid of mistakes because he knows he's never done
it before.
It's like.
toddler learning to walk, he doesn't expect us to pop up, never having watched before and start
running. He knows we're going to fall, like he created babies with extra fat and then like very
limber, flexible, um, bones and joint, uh, you know, uh, joints because he knew that they were
going to fall and everything needed to be able to, to, to bounce back. So he like made provision
for it. And so he does that in the spirit as well. He's not as harsh as we make him out to be.
Yeah. Yeah. Cause I think that's it. I think it's just, I, I speak about it to other people
and I'm just like, yes, I believe this and I believe it's sober. And then I can still feel,
oh, but there's part of me that actually don't trust him, you know, to actually see it through.
And that's just annoying to me because I'm like, oh, but I say it and I want to believe it. And
I've chosen it. And I'm like, why can't like my body and my soul get with the program kind of,
you know, cause I'm like, why am I stressing? I shouldn't be stressing. I should just be relaxing
and trusting God. And it's like, but I think cause it's just like blown out of proportion
and it's like in so much media and so many people, you know, but it's like, but that's
fine. It's like, I'm okay with it. Like, I'm like, okay, God, well,
you're doing something with that too. Like it's, it's, um, um, um, it's, so I, I think it's just
that whole, it's the same thing I'm working on kind of, and maybe I've gotten further than I,
I think, I don't know, like I am talking to him and talking to my body and all of these things
too, like just embracing and, um, but I'm always in a rush, you know, I always want things to
happen really fast. So, um, yeah. So I think I just get frustrated with myself that I'm like,
ah, why don't you just like fully trust him and be like, it's done. And it's great. And it's like,
what's your problem? Like, why can't you just trust? And then I have to embrace that part of
myself too, that doesn't trust and be like, God, I don't know. Like I choose to, but I can feel that
my soul and my body is not aligning. And I don't know why. And I have to embrace that because I
don't know what to do with it, except for like, I choose to trust you and try to move light or just
like move, not try, but just move towards that and the different tool. Cause yeah, I, yeah,
but I'm probably scared of being disappointed, you know, which is what we've been talking about
before. So, yeah. You know, what I've been talking about, about like believing that,
you know, choosing God over the outcome is very, very hard to do. So sometimes,
you know, it's, and now it's not done overnight. So God will,
it often walks us through, you know, smaller steps. So one of the things that I would recommend
for you, that is just feeling like too big of a stretch and too much to do. Yeah. I mean,
I mean, just like too much to process through and to believe and to trust in, you can take
smaller steps of believing. How do I put this? Believe God to the degree that you can have faith
to the degree that you can and hold on to that. And don't worry about like this extra and this
more and then it's whatever that'll come. So you can, so in the midst of, of all of this,
you know, the, the question of like, is something else going to happen? Is another shoe going to
drop? You can just continue to choose. Okay. You know, my, um, Oh, I hope that it, and my God is
good. And my God is safe. And my God provides not that God's going to do a particular thing.
And here's, and, and here's why it's different than what I was saying before and why it's like
a smaller baby step in faith. And these are the types of things that I had to do
is you are, it's almost like you're disregarding and not thinking about whether or not you're
choosing to let go of the possibility that it could happen, like that, that the shoe could
drop and that they'd appeal and that they'd get approved for the appeal and all of that.
You're just choosing to just let that go and not worry about it happening. It doesn't mean that
God won't allow it. And it's not going to happen, but you choose instead of trying to protect
ourselves from something from the possibility of something happened, we choose happening.
We choose instead to not protect ourselves emotionally against the possibility of it
happening. So basically we leave ourselves vulnerable to it happening.
choose instead to ignore the fact that it could happen and, and stop and stop thinking about it,
stop giving it any emotional energy, stop considering it emotionally as a possibility
and just choosing instead, Oh my word, God was this good. He did this and he did that.
It's continuing to, and it continues to be like that. And it's going to be like that. Yeah. And,
and, and, um, yeah, sorry. Thought I thought of another way to explain it, but anyway,
I think, yeah, it does make sense. And I think it's also like, as you're talking,
I'm realizing it's also probably cause in this whole like ordeal, like I'm the only believer,
like of everybody who's involved, like really closely. And so I think I just have this like
pressure on myself to want people to see that it's like, Oh, how can you have so much peace?
How can you just be so sure? How can I mean, I do say a lot of those things where I actually
feel like I'm sure about things, but then that also leaves me like, Ooh, well, what if it's not,
you know, but I'm, I'm, I liked when you said, well, the outcome or however I am, it's not
depending on, you know, salvation, like that's, Jesus is the one who saves, you know, so it's
like, but I would have, I would want to, you know, in my ideal world, I'd be like, I fully trust and
this is what it's like. And everybody can see that, wow, she's clearly not living in this world.
And she, you know what I mean? And that is like, Oh, darn, like, I'm probably just as much on this
like, carousel as everybody else, maybe not. But I think that's what I'm scared of. And I just have
to let that go to like, I don't, I don't have to be like a Joan of art, you know, kind of like
standing on the correct barricades, choose, you just choose you and the Lord, and that you want
to grow and develop in your journey with him, not what that looks like to other people and is going
to, how it's going to affect them, but rather just you and the Lord. And then you'll get more
out of it because you're focused on, okay, where do you, you and me Lord, how do we need to develop
during this time, et cetera, as opposed to making sure that it looks good to everyone else or look
the particular way, because you can't even control that. Even if you may look a particular way,
that that's how they're going to read it or they're even going to want it. Yeah. I mean,
it's like, we can't control that anyway. So you might as well choose the most important thing,
which is the thing that really can transform. And yeah, it's, it's, it's out of our control,
but that really can transform. And that is who you and God are together in your spirit
operating into creation that gives them an actual exposure to God himself, because you're choosing
that his kingdom is what's powerful in your life. And you're pulling joy from that you're pulling
security from that. So as, as the events go up and down as the, as the media and the legal system,
you know, some people's emotions, you know, on this rollercoaster, you're more stable because
you're choosing not that God's going to do something for you, for your family, but that
he's just good. And because he's always the same, because he's always the same thing.
You're on an even keel, regardless of what is happening in the media or the legal system.
But you have to choose that. We have to choose that for us. We have to, it sounds really weird,
but you have to choose our relationship with God over our family. Really hard to do,
because especially when we have, we have the label of God and Godliness on to taking care of family
and loving them and whatever, then we have all of these rules about like, well, if I loved him,
well, then I would do this. And I would act like this, but that they'd be God. And that,
and, but even Jesus talked about the fact that he said, unless someone hates their father and mother,
you know, they can't, they, they, what is he saying? Something like they can't follow me
or whatever. Basically it's just, and all he's saying is he's like, they, they have to choose
me to that degree that they abandoned everything else. If there has to be a choice between the two.
And so, but by doing that, that gives them the greatest chance of being, of seeing God and being
changed and affected by him. And anyway, and then Priscilla makes a really good point. Did
you read her chat? Yeah, I saw it. Yeah. I just, I saw it. Yeah.
Yeah. The fear that, you know, God isn't, that if we truly know God, he's going to be who I wanted
him to be. That's the fear that I, you know, that I've dealt with, you know, as well. And that he
says, or, you know, that we are ourselves speaking of that, that we ourselves aren't
going to be who he wanted us to be. If we've got it, got to know ourselves. Yeah.
So anyway, that was another good point. So isn't he
this, is any of this helpful? Yeah, yeah, it is. You are,
whenever I try to explain this to people when they're going
through any of the programs, whether it's the rest intensive
or this one, that whenever you start getting frustrated or
bogged down, because it's like, well, I'm not getting it or I'm
trying or I'm applying and you just start to feel stuck or
locked up, the fastest way through it is to just kind of
let it let it go. Yeah. And meaning like that, you choose,
you know, okay, God is good. He is provider has showed you go to
the E is not the easiest step, go to simple step, just make
everything very simple. And your door and then your attitude
towards yourself very simple instead of like, okay, you need
to get into shape, or I need to be kind to my body, or I need to
do this, I need to do that. None of those things are supposed to
be hard. I try to use language to explain that it's actually
stopping all of the things that we've been doing that actually
allow us to accept. It's stopping being hard, it's
stopping the requirements, it's stopping, you know, all of that.
And so that's what I do when I start feeling stuck when I'm
trying to pursue something with the Lord. And I'm like trying to
press into something. If I pressing in and I start to feel
like everything starts locking down, then I learned then I know
okay, go back to the simple things go back to remembering
and just choosing to live in a world where God is good news
provider and protector and that I know who he says I am I'm not
good. I am everything I've just declared that God is. And then
every event that those places that have started to lock down
the side of a start to move again. And then eventually over
time, we can we get this these breakthroughs in them, because
we stopped. Because we allowed movement back in again, we
allowed the spirit to come in and the winds of change to move
things to start moving things again. So you'll get more
progress. If you if you stop trying to apply something that
feels like you're grinding to a halt slowly, you know, whatever
it just just let it go and go back to the simple things
because the execution of those is found in the simple approach
of like, God is who says he is, I am who says that I am. And if
you do those things, you'll naturally do what I was talking
about in there, accepting yourself, forgiving yourself,
all of that stuff. Excuse me. So that's what I do whenever I
start to put myself locked down, because and then I'm not making
progress in something that I'm trying to learn. Anyway, so is
that helpful?
Super helpful. Thank you so much.
What about you, Priscilla? How are you?
And how's the juice going?
Look like you were making another wood. Yeah, yeah. Um,
it's going well. I feel like, oh, had a major like, I don't
know if you want to call it a setback, or if you want to call
it a blip in the road or an opportunity for growth, or what
you want to label it as, but I feel like I feel like it's taken
the wind out of my sails physically and mentally and
emotionally. And I know it probably sounds like someone
died. Nobody died. But um, so I went on a walk with one of my
friends this morning, and she's actually she's my neighbor, too.
We go to church together. We've known each other for five years,
probably. And she told me that, well, I've been kind of getting
vibes from them recently that they're like, they're just kind
of starting to like pull back from church. And I'm just like,
okay, like, try not to panic. And anyway, she told me this
morning. Yeah, they're like starting to visit other churches.
And I know that, you know, it's fine. It's fine. I don't want to
visit other churches. It just feels extremely personal. And I
know that it's not. But I feel like, okay, so just a little bit
of background. Her husband is would say he's a Calvinist, like
he's reformed. And he believed on about that, you know, you
told me about. Yeah, he's basically, like everything,
anything that we could possibly disagree on spiritually, we
pretty much do. And not not at all, like, no, like, we both
love the Lord. And I, I feel like he's he lever and I can say
like, we're part of the body.
Christ together. But I don't know how to even explain why he
intimidates the absolute crap out of me. And he's so I don't
know. He's very, it's very important to him to be
theologically sound. And I mean, it's very important to me too.
He's just very like, anyway, and it's awkward for me and my
friend because she knows that by saying like, hey, they're
leaving church because they feel like the messages aren't meaty
enough. And there's not enough of a call to repentance. And
they are extremely complimentarian and that they
believe in biblical patriarchy and like all the things and I'm
just like, I know it's awkward for her because she and she
told and we've been talking like she's like, she hates this
because some of her closest friends are at Honeybrook, which
is the church we go to and she doesn't know how to process all
this stuff because she feels like she's projecting onto us
then that we're like, they're going down the wrong path. And
she's like, she doesn't feel that way. But at the same time,
that's why they're leaving.
And anyway, I had a I had a major crisis this morning. I
mean, I held it together like while I was talking with her and
stuff, but
I felt like feeling attacked or like not good enough in
someone's eyes or what?
I think a crisis of law and it was it was interesting because
it happened with her before I think it was actually after I
had done the rest intensive. I was really battling with like
I've always had a fear of like being deceived. I don't know if
it's just something I grew up with or like it was
like, Oh, if you Yeah, I did get into the wrong thing or
whatever, you're gonna be deceived and you're not gonna
know until you're in hell. You're like, Oh, shoot, I
shouldn't have brought home that one wooden cross, you know,
that brought a bad spirit with it. Anyway. But so I'm very
sensitive. Anytime I feel like somebody is telling me that I am
like, not comprehending God the way he wants to be comprehended
or the way he is. And but at the same time, okay, so like
backing up to the rest intensive. So after that, I was
like, okay, like, I feel like, you know, I was kind of
battling through that. And then I and then I had gone out with
her and one of her other good friends. And we were just
talking about things. I forget what I was saying. I was just
saying about how I'm very much like, I just believe that we
don't need to be afraid. When it comes to the end times, we were
talking about eschatology. Don't ask me why I even broached that
topic, like, duh. But I realized for the first time that my view
of the end times wasn't like necessarily the only view that
people have. And it's not necessarily the only one that's
supported by Scripture. And I but I and I was greatly
influenced by the left behind movies as a child. And I didn't
even know that that was even before I even knew what
eschatology wasn't. So I just thought that yeah, God's this
God who he's going to be good, but just until the end times.
Yeah. And then if you survive, it'll be just by the hair of
your chinny chin chin. And he's gonna be mad at you when you get
to heaven. Like, he's gonna be like, Oh, yeah, I'm glad you're
here. But wow, do we have a lot to talk about, you know, I feel
like through the rest intensive, through the rest intensive, I
feel like I finally realized, I'm like, wait a minute. Like,
the Lord, like compares his, his, his return to a bridegroom
coming for his bride. Like, do you imagine a bride sitting
there like, Oh, my word, I might be killed before he gets here.
Like, you know, it's like, she's so excited for his return. And
all she can anticipate is this wonderful celebration. And like,
it's gonna be amazing. And I'm just like, what the heck are we
doing? Like, thinking we're gonna be and I don't know, I
don't know, maybe it's gonna be as like doomsday as everybody
thinks it is. But I'm just like, I refuse to believe that the
Lord is going to forsake me in those days. He's not going to I
can't accept that. Anyway, so all that to say, we were talking
about this. And then they were they're very big into like, you
have to do your part. So like, anytime that there's any like a
hint of a crisis, they're like, immediately go to the store and
get like 500 pounds of flour and hide it in your basement and
lock your doors. And I'm just like, I refuse to live that way.
I can't like it literally makes me feel dead. And so I was just
saying, Well, you know, I kind of feel like I'm not going to do
any of those things unless I have like clear direction from
the Lord that doesn't bring you along with it.
And, and I also, and they're like, Oh, well, like, what do you think then? Like, you know,
if your child is sick, and you don't have vitamin C, like, do you think the Lord is
just going to drop that into your cupboard? Like, that's literally what they said. And I was like,
Yeah, so they understand. I'm simple enough to believe that he would and also even stupider
enough to believe that he doesn't even need vitamin C to heal my child. That's right. So
I just feel like all of this stuff is coming up for me again. I feel like I had finally
gotten over that encounter. And then now it's this again, like with the same person again,
and also somebody that I dearly love and dearly care about. And like, her kids are like siblings
with my kids. Yeah. Hey, I need some privacy right now. Okay. Do you remember what we said
about when I'm on a zoom call? You can save your questions for afterwards. No, I know,
but mommy needs some time alone. Is there something else that you can get out of the
cupboard to do? Your little thing? Well, what do we say about that? Just for church?
Oh, your stand? Um, I don't care if you want to go play with it over at your desk.
It's a step stool out and be careful. Um, anyway, so I feel like this morning just sent me down.
Like I was again at the same place of feeling like, okay, I finally made progress. I feel like
I'm finally like, no, God is good. I can trust him. Like, and even like, I think the other part
that has been hard for me is like, I have felt like afraid to read the Bible because I'm afraid
that I'm going to read it. And then it's like, I'm not going to find as much hope in there as I want
to find. And so, and it scares me to say these things out loud, because I know that like,
I know that the word of God is infallible and it is for us today. And you know, all these things,
I just also, I just don't, I don't know. I don't, I don't know sometimes how to like,
interpret it. Right. And not only that, but my house has just been a literal
crap show today and everybody's been upset and I know it's a reflection of me and yeah. So
bless Arnold's heart. I mean, he is amazing. He stayed home from work for a couple hours just to
give me, well, he's, I took a walk up in the woods just like right after I got home from a walk.
Cause I was just processing way too much stuff. And then when I got back, we talked about it and
yeah. So in that regard, I'm very grateful to see like progress. And he was very much like,
no, he said, the other thing I really struggle with is sharing my point of view when they talk
or like when he shares his point of view, because like my friend's husband, because he's so black
and white and like, not only that, but I see so much stuff from like his childhood and like all
of these things that I'm just like, it's blatantly obvious to me. And her and her
and don't actually see eye to eye theologically. So I feel like she's constantly like defending
him. And I feel like, and I know that that's so painful because I think she's like, well,
I love my husband and I don't want to do anything to upset the fruit basket, you know? And they do
he, I hope I'm not painting him out to be a jerk because he's not. Yeah. He's great. They're some
of our best friends. It's just, this really hits home for me. And I, I just feel like,
I feel like how I look today, like, just not, not great.
And you look cute. I told her, I think you look cute too.
I told her, I said, you look like a soccer mom and no, just a mom.
This is a coverup because I need to wash my hair.
You look super cute.
Don't talk about my friend like that.
Thank you, Annette. I feel like Arnold, he did really encourage me. He's like,
I felt like he was telling me the same. He was telling me the things that I had chosen. He was
like, yeah, you have, you have the Holy spirit within you. And like, you can also say things
that you feel and that you believe, even if they differ than what they think,
I'm just so afraid of hurting them and hurting my friend and causing like strife or contention
between them as a couple. And I, I don't want to pull back from our friendship,
partly because I'm like determined that I am going to have a friendship that lasts with somebody
once. But the other part of me is just like, what do I do?
Yeah. Well, a couple of things, you know, just like practically,
and, and I had to do this with your dad, my dad, I'm sorry.
No, there's no reason to feel sorry. I really liked your dad, but I do too, but he is very
aware of him. He's a, he's a lawyer. He's a, he's a spiritual lawyer and you will be
prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law of the law. That's right. Yeah. And so I just
had to realize what, when he, when it was interesting, what I had to say and when he
wasn't, and he just wanted to talk, to affirm to himself what he believed. So I remember
sitting in your parents' living room, you know, back when they lived near y'all in their
old house. And I, and, and I, and I finally, he just, he just started talking and he wouldn't
stop. He just kept going. And I realized he's just, he's just verbally process, not processing,
but verbally affirming to himself what it is that he believes. And that is giving him
security. So I realized he, so he's now at the point where he didn't care. What was that?
Oh, sorry. Sorry. Are you okay? Come what happened? Not sure what's going on. I think
Hang on. I can still hear you if you want to still talk. Sorry. He's trying to put his
shirt on and it's a tank top and it's, it's like wrapped around his arm about eight times.
Okay. Sorry. I can hear you. No, that's fine. Yeah. So anyway, I, I realized, okay,
there, my cousin is the same way. My cousin and I used to be very close and we stopped being
close and hanging out when I refused to engage in the conversations that he wanted to engage in.
I wasn't mean about it. I just, I just wouldn't, I, there had to be like it for it to be a
conversation. I had to talk and I wouldn't, and I wouldn't give him anything. So we stopped talking
to me about those things because I realized that, that people, sometimes people are just,
and all of the people that I'm talking about here, you know, your dad, my cousin, and then this guy,
you're all very entrenched in what it is that they believe. And part of their security comes
from what it is they believe. And, and so they, they can't have it questioned because then they
feel that the whole world on which they have built themselves or their way of life or their view of
life. And like I said, their security is on what they're saying. And so it, they're not open for,
for open to discussion. So a lot of those times people, I just, I, I'm always like,
I always try to think of something really nice to say. And I did this with your dad. I don't
remember what I said, but after we sat there and we talked for a really long time about something,
um, he, Oh, I think he asked me what I thought about something or whatever. And I said something
and then he went off on it. Oh, well, I don't think that's true because then the Bible does
it. And then you were off on this drawing thing. So I didn't realize, okay, he's not interested
in what I had, I had to say about it. He's not interested in like looking at a different
viewpoint than what he believed. And so I just needed, what I needed to do is I needed to give
him something different than, um, he's ever experienced before in like a dialogue. And I
thought I need to affirm him and like love on him and like, basically, basically like praise him,
find some way to affirm him. And so I did, I don't remember what I said, but that's what I
was thinking of when I, uh, when you were talking about this Calvinist neighbor of yours is that
that transforms people where it's not theology being, it's not theology being, uh, using theology
to meet theology. Rather it's the love of God being meeting, being used to meet the theology,
like someone's talking about, well, you know, this is what God said. And then giving someone
an experience of, yeah, but this is what God's like, and not in a way that sounds contradictory
or contrary, but really rather like affirming of the person. And it's not affirming of what it is
that they believe, but they feel seen. So it'd be something like, you know, your neighbor talking
about, well, I think that, and that might even be some things that feel very attacking, like
be the opposite of what the pastor talked about in church that Sunday or something,
or maybe he's so conscious.
furry that one of y'all said something, not knowing he like disagreed with it.
And then boom, he comes out.
Well, I don't think that's true because it's like absolutely in your face, contrary.
Um, one of the things that I do is I like find something about them or what they
said, that's nice, something like, you know, uh, you know, I've always appreciated
how well you, um, how, you know, how much you desire to, you know, follow
the Lord, um, and, and learn his precepts and stand on them no matter what, you
know, and I move on into like, I don't know, like, so I'm not even addressing
what it is he talked about.
I'm just like affirmed something back.
And that really was very good.
Now, you know, I may not agree with the conclusion that he comes from
going through this actions, but when I talk about that, I mean, when I address
it like that, people then enjoy being around us because we, um, uh, because
we make them feel good, we make them feel loved and accepted as opposed to, as
opposed to, um, our interaction being a clashing of ideas.
And I don't know if you remember this, but your dad did a 180 with me.
He was not sure about me when he first met me and he did a 180.
I don't know if you remember, but we were all shocked, like went to the church.
Then I thought he didn't like me.
Um, after having me over for supper with your mom and everything, I thought he
didn't like, you know, how, based on how that went, I thought, I don't think he'd
like me and, and he praised me to the skies to, um, Josh's parents who, um,
Annette are pastors of a church who raised me to the skies.
And I was like, I had to go back to carry Josh's house.
It's like, you'll never believe what happened to me today.
They were like, their mouths are hanging open.
They're like, are you serious?
Cause they all thought, we all thought that he didn't like me.
Then your mom helped me like, uh, like so address that I had gotten.
What was it at the exchange main exchange?
I'd gotten a dress, but it was too big.
And so she's a real good thrower.
So when I went to her house and to see if she, so she could help me like, uh,
sent it in and your dad came home.
And cause I was still there by the time your dad came home from work.
And he was like, so are you going to stay for supper?
He and I disagreed so strongly, you know, about stuff.
I didn't like combat him with, with my view.
I didn't like, I didn't counter his views with my views because he didn't.
I don't mean this in a bad way, but he didn't care.
In other words, that he was so what he needed and what he was so entrenched in
was what it would is that, what is the, I believe, and he uses interactions
with like, say for instance, you know, uh, Josh's dad, I've heard about that.
You know, when they just, whenever they get together, they sit down and be like
a birthday party or Loretta told me to be a birthday party or whatever.
And the two of them will sit down by themselves and talk theology
and debate theology all night.
You know, so, you know, stuff like that, instead of that, it gives them a
different kind of interaction of like, instead of telling them that God is
better than the Calvinist perspective, they experience it and they there's
something in them that knows that it's true and they don't even know that what
you're giving them is God, but it has an opportunity to slowly change their heart.
So it's right in line with the theme of what you've been talking about, about
like your team, you know, interacting with your team or ladies who've been
approaching you, you know, for ministry, it feels literally the same thing.
God keeps bringing it up in your life.
And so here's another opportunity for that.
And, and the reason I say that is I'm not trying to present this from the
perspective that, okay, yeah, stop doing what you're doing and do this instead.
As if this is another thing that you need to do, rather it's, I've
meant it as an encouragement of.
Hey, don't worry if you don't know how to defend your position.
If I don't know how to defend my position, I just don't try.
I choose to, I choose to enjoy the beauty of it on my own and
not cast pearls before swine.
Not cast something very precious to people who are just going to trample on
it because they don't understand yet.
They can't receive that amount of love or they don't know how, or it's hard
for them to believe it or whatever.
So I just keep it to myself.
And then, um, it gives it what it is that I believe.
And then just, um, and then just try to give them an experience of God of love.
I don't mean trying.
I just mean like, Oh, what is it that I can do that'll make them feel a
particular way or believe this, but rather just, just.
choosing to see them for who God sees them to be, not for the antagonistic at a environment
that I'm currently interacting with them in. And so that relieves a lot of pressure for me to have
to like come up with the right answers or to, or to affirm it to like myself. I just choose that
it's true, even though I don't, especially in the, in the light of that type of situation where it's
being countered, even though I don't know why I believe what I believe in that moment. Cause
what they said just sounded really logical. Yeah. I just choose. Yeah. But what's the experience
that I've had as God and as being, I choose that relationship over what I do and don't
understand yet. Now it's important for us to pursue what we do and don't understand
because like you say, you know, we don't want to be deceived or anything, but all of that,
how we interpret scripture anyways, based off of who, you know,
like, uh, like God interprets scripture for us. We're not supposed to figure it out on our,
um, so anyway, is any of this helpful and encouraging? Cause it's not supposed to be
meant as like, Hey, don't do this, do this instead, as if it's like work rather, it's
like all of the stuff that we feel the pressure of doing in the situation and not being able to
rise to the occasion or how we feel like beset against or whatever. We don't have to live with
that anymore. We don't have to do that anymore. We can just like, Oh, you can be free regardless,
you know, and then just love on them. That is going to make them like, want to like you talk
about like, Oh, I want to keep this friend. That is how to keep a friend. They will,
they will cling to you. Like why don't rise more than because you give them an experience
of who God is. And there were, there's something in our spirits made for them to be fed by that.
And, um, not, not based off of whether or not we all share and agree on the same theology.
Anyway, but what are your, what are your thoughts at all? Yeah, no, it's interesting. Like, as far
as for, for them, like from their perspective or whatever, I feel like exactly what you're saying
is what has affected him in the past. Like, um, we had a small group, um, I forget how long ago
they switched us up, but our first small group that we ever had, when we went to this church
had been in it. So we were in this model, same small group, went to the same church,
live right beside each other, are together almost every day. Um, anyway, I mean, how could anything
be problematic? Right. But anyway, um, so that, but that was the environment. That small group
was mine. Sean really softened and like started to just, I don't know, he, he felt heard, I think,
and appreciated for his, um, for his theological wisdom. Um, but at the same time,
he seemed a lot more gracious for like other people's points of views and just more, he was
just more, um, receptive. Yeah. And then, but then when our small groups changed is when he
felt like he didn't have anybody to talk to anymore, like about, you know, about theology.
And even though he knew that our church isn't Calvinist, um, he was, he was still willing,
you know, to come because he felt like he could still fellowship and like, you know, have good
conversation. And anyway, so I feel like as far as like how to treat them or how to move forward,
I feel like, yeah, what you shared was very helpful. I think, I think probably what I'm
struggling with the most is how it affected me. Like, it's not even that I think they're like
way off on the other end or whatever. It's more just like the, the things that I, and probably
some of it is just, you know, my imagination, but the thing that the, the things that I feel like
I'm being accused of are very hard for me to navigate. And like, you know, just for example,
like we, um, we're having, uh, a speaker come to our church, um, to talk about sound mind awareness.
She's, uh, I don't know. They're very, I shouldn't say they are my, my neighbor's husband is very
against anything charismatic, like anything at all. And, um, so he's just, what's that?
Your church is not charismatic. Is it? Our church is not charismatic. It's non-denominational
community church, but there's a lot of people within it that are like, not afraid of, not afraid
of the Holy Spirit and the gifts of the Holy Spirit and all of those things. But there are
a lot of differing opinions. I will say that too. Um, so anyway, um, where are we?
going with this? Oh yes we're having this lady come share about this and there was a couple ladies
from our church that actually went through her 12-week seminar and were like their lives were
just changed and like they couldn't believe all the things that they learned it was clearly like
very life-giving you know and anyway so then I had asked her last night if she was planning to come
and she's like no and I just was like I don't know I just I've sent so much stuff that I was
like hoping wasn't true and then it was all true um but then when we went on a walk this morning
she said yeah you know Sean looked this lady up and he's like absolutely not like she's not going
and I was just like I don't even know how to like how to separate myself from that because I have
sat with this woman before and I even said that last night like before I knew you know that Sean
had creeped her Facebook page and immediately judged her but I I have sat with this lady before
and I have seen like you know that she has a living relationship with the Lord she's ministered
to my dad before and like oh cool yeah yeah of course I'm not going to swallow everything she
says hook line and sinker like a like a little fishy but I still see Christ in her and anyway
and just knowing the different beliefs that they align with and knowing that I I don't I feel like
it's just making me question myself and everything like even you know going out with this with this
girl that I was telling you guys about last week like immediately all of these thoughts want to
come like what if I'm the great deceiver and like what if I'm just taking her out and filling her
full of theological unsoundness and what if I have created this powder puff God that makes me feel
good and you know how Calvinists are they're all about like if you don't feel like a worm you don't
hate yourself you're not godly you know and I just like I feel dead in that and it makes me want to
run the other direction but then I feel like a Calvinist yeah but I feel like a Calvinist would
say to me well that's just because you're not you're not repenting you're not in repentance you
know I and that I hear my dad's voice in all of those things I know it's that you're not a worm
enough you don't recognize enough that you're one meaning that you're even more warm than you
thought yes you don't spend enough time you do not spend enough time thinking about how horrible you
are and that makes you even more horrible and I'm just like you can't win where does it where does
it end like where do you actually get to be born again where do you get to be born again and forget
your old life like when does it stop following you and I just yeah so I feel like part of me
is like no this is ridiculous and Arnold's very helpful and and I want to be clear too that so
much of what I'm struggling with right now is not because of my neighbors it's all like this
internal stuff that I'm trying to reconcile and it's not like they're accusing me of these things
I don't honestly feel like they are but yeah it's just things that I'm having to
wrestle through because I feel like I was finally finding my footing
and then somebody was like well the footing that you're a part of is like not you know that's faulty
correct well it just simply means that you're not as as um as founded and entrenched in it yet
and that happens the uh excuse me um that happens you know as the lord will establish
that in you between the two of you so as you pursue him and I know this from personal experience
because when the lord when you have an inner uh not an encounter I was going to say an encounter
with the lord but that makes it sound like this is this one-time event what I mean is like it's
when you um when the lord himself tells you something you know it in a way that no one can
convince you otherwise because and and and I was saying that those exercises uh you know that I
and those practices that I recommend that y'all are so important is because you're interacting
with god and you're allowing his presence to not just heal you but to affirm things to you and to
and anchor them more deeply within you because and this is really hard and I'm just going to
speak this in general about the two of this and I'm not trying to say well you you this is what
your life looks like but I would imagine because you and I grew up so very similar in so many ways
that you're just like like mine in fact that what was um what was valued and what was pushed
was what do you know about god it was all in our head and it was all theology and it was all
concept and it was all um and and I don't know you you backed it up and assured yourself um
you assured yourself
of the truth of it through logic.
Logic is king, not an experience with God and experiencing God like on a daily
basis and interacting with him and developing that relationship.
And so when we're shifting into this new way of seeing the Lord, we keep
trying to rely on that logic again.
Like, well, this is supposed to, um, how to, if it, if it doesn't, if I can't
figure out how everything reconciles together, how everything works together.
If I can't fully understand the logic behind it to, to convince someone else,
then apparently I don't have enough logic to convince myself and it must not be
right because we were told I don't.
Go do your spellings.
I'm sorry, do you, you know, I can, do you need to wait just a second?
I thought I was muted.
So in it, did you eat supper?
Were you making supper?
Yeah.
Banana, banana pancakes.
Oh, I forgot to tell, tell Ed that I, I, uh, put one of his bananas that he
makes banana pancakes with freezer.
So he'll know where it did.
Um, well that sounds good.
It's got good protein in it.
Yeah.
It's like a banana and egg and oatmeal, oat, oat flour, oatmeal flour.
Yeah.
That's good.
After dancing, how are you feeling?
Are you still hanging in there?
Me?
Yeah.
Thank you.
I am the, the ibuprofen started kicking in, so it started better, but I'll
probably, after this call, I'll probably go lay down, but anyway, um, Priscilla,
so is that making sense that that logic was, um, what we were always taught to
get our security in.
And so if we now realize the way, just a second, I don't have fully the logic
to counter that stuff, then, um, then we think that it's wrong that we're
being deceived because we were always taught that that's how you could be
assured that you weren't deceived as you'd figured it out well enough.
The problem with that is that's the tree.
It's relying on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, that it's
what I know that gives me security and I have to seek it out and I have to figure
it out.
I have to figure out the scriptures.
I have to, to understand it and make sure that, to, to learn how it's all
reconciled.
So God does all of that.
That's why we're all, you know, arguing with each other, like Calvinists and
every cares bags and everything.
It's because everyone's relying on their own, their own knowledge and their own
unique way of, of choosing to interpret the scriptures.
Um, and instead of us relying on, on the Lord to reveal things to us, so it
doesn't feel that is a hard shift to make because it doesn't feel as certain.
Um, because we can't see it in black and white.
It's an experience with a being that we can't see.
And so to learn, to rely on getting our security of what we believe.
A being that we can't see, and that most of us don't hear audibly is very, very
hard to switch from.
I can see this in scripture.
I can see it in the Bible.
Um, there's all of these ways, all of these, like whether it's in the actual
physical classroom or it's on YouTube videos, there's, there's people that can
teach me how to logically, um, uh, that can teach me rhetoric, you know, teach me
how to logically process through something or interpret it or see the, see
how different phrases reconcile in the Bible instead of being contradictory or
whatever, but we're doing it all on our own as opposed to just relying on the Lord.
So I know that it's not, um, uh, that it doesn't feel as secure, but especially
in light of how we grew up, but that's what God, and we see this all throughout
scripture, that that's what God tells us to rely on is to rely on him and our
relationship with him and, and our, and him revealing things to us and him, him
talking to us, like he said, he's, he said, I don't do anything in the world
that I don't tell my prophets about first, which is really fascinating is that I
don't do anything unless I've told my people first.
that I'm going to be doing it. And, and so he reveals everything. And so he, he wants us to
rely on him and on his word. That's why he has to talk about faith and the fact that, hey, you're
not going to see proof, including sometimes knowing how to find that proof in the Bible.
I'm not saying that God speaks things that are contradictory to the Bible. I'm saying that
and we can't find it yet in the Bible, or we don't know where that is.
It doesn't mean that it's not in there, you know? And, and so he just wants us to rely on him.
So the, the, the recommendation that I would give you is to do the same thing that I did.
And that is, and that is what my assuredness of what it is that I believe comes from. It comes
from our relationship with God and the fact that I know him and I have lived with him and I continue
to live with him by this principle. This is how he and I interact. That's how I know he's like this.
Otherwise people could tell me that he was like this. And I'm like, Oh, that sure would be nice.
Wouldn't that be nice? But the way that it got, and that gave me the courage to take a huge risk
that he was like that, but I actually had to risk it by starting to live like it. And,
but when I started to live like it, in other words, when I chose it as my reality by faith,
that's when all of a sudden everything changed and, and, and, and happened for me.
But it's, that's what gives me solidness and assuredness when I talk to people and they
don't agree with me. And I don't have all of the scripture verses to back things up.
I had more scripture verses back when I didn't back when I was more of a Calvinist than I am now.
And, and it's not that what I believe is in the scripture because I found it in scripture,
but it's like, sometimes, you know, in the moment when I need to, when I, when someone
is wondering why I believe what I believe, I can't remember the scriptures. When I was more
of a Calvinist though, I can remember those scriptures because I relied on them as my,
as my foundation, as my security. Now, since I rely on the development of my,
now that I rely on my worship of the Lord, and it's my relationship with the Lord that
gives me that assurance of this is why I believe what I believe to the point where I'm like,
no, I risked my life on it. I, I like, I like live like this. You know, this is how I make decisions.
But I, in the moment, I can't think the scriptures, you know, that goes with it,
not that it's not there. It's just, I can't remember it right now, you know? And that's
what gives me solidness and assuredness. So it's a, it's a challenging transition to make.
The cool thing about this that I think is encouraging is that God isn't telling you to
switch from the way that you used to do things to, because that was really hard to learn. You
had to have that, you know, ground into you at home and at church and for decades, you know,
in order for you to learn all of this, for us to switch our understanding, we keep thinking,
oh, now I'm going to have to learn all of these different truths and that to interpret the Bible
differently and see the Bible differently and learn all these other scriptures, you know, that,
that support it. And it's just, it's not true. But I was just like, no,
it's a lot more simple than that. It's a lot faster than that. It's how you and I interact
with one another. So this really isn't something that we can learn and be assured in when it's
attacked. This is something that it's an experience, it's experiences, it's making
ourselves, it's vulnerably exposing ourselves to the Lord. Excuse me, it's vulnerably exposing
ourselves to the Lord that, that, you know, that changes us and that gives us that assurance.
So it's a bad, no, that makes sense. Yes. Yes. And that's, and that's like,
I feel like in the last few years I have, yeah.
You could, if you'd be done with your school.
Where are they? Are they waiting on you?
Yeah. Yes.
Anyway, before mom changes her mind. So the thing is, if you just release into going to,
how do I, how do I put that? Okay. Like say for instance, when I'm in the middle of a situation,
cause I'm trying to show you how I do this practically when I'm in the middle of a situation,
say for instance, when I was in the middle of a situation with your dad,
we were talking about stuff, you know, in the living room.
And then I can tell he's getting very, wasn't getting like aggravated, but he was getting
very animated, very excited, very, very firm and staunch when it is that he believed.
And it, which was counter to something that I had expressed in explanation of a question
that he had given me.
And so, and he was just, and so as I was listening and I thought, I thought, you know, I don't
have logic that he is to, to counter his logic with in a way that he's going to accept.
So what I then had to do is like, okay, Lord, me and you do.
He sounds more logical than me at the moment, because I don't have any logic that I feel
can stand up to that, that I can remember off the top of my head.
That I knew that I knew that I knew that what I believed was true.
And it's so basically I re-centered myself between me and God and what I'll do very often
when I'm unsettled is I'll just ask kind of like in my spirit, I'll just ask God, are
you and I okay?
And he always says, yeah, it's like, oh, we're great.
Like, okay, then I'm okay.
So it, it helps give me, um, uh, relief and, um, and believes me of any like type of anxiety
or struggle that I'm having if, and then if in any situation that I'm, I'm in unrest,
I just ask God, are you and I okay?
So I call it, sometimes people refer to it as re-centering themselves.
Only what we're doing is we're actually coming back to the, coming back to the center of
who is God and who does he say that I am?
And then if I do that, then what it is that I, I'm coming back to relying on and, and
being founded in what he experienced with him and who I have experienced him to be.
And I'm solid in that.
I'm like, oh, I know what I've experienced with him.
I know how he and I live together.
I know, you know, how he interacts with me or whatever.
And that, that helps me when I have people that have, um, uh, that I don't feel that
I can match in a logical debate, um, and, and whatever.
So I can know because I have to choose in those moments, solid in what God has told
me is true, um, not in how well I can convince someone else.
So if it's between me and it's choosing between me and convincing someone else, I always choose
me to do that.
And that's really stabilized me a lot.
So is that, is that helpful?
That's something practical that I do.
I always go back to me and God, God, are you and I okay.
Yeah.
I feel like I probably haven't realized how much I have like wrestled through so many
like, okay, well, like, do I believe this way or do I believe this way?
Or like, what is my, where's my solid foundation?
You know, I feel like I, I do, I do keep coming back to, you know, even when the disciples
were, um, you know, following Jesus, like she said some things that to them seem to
be contradicting the law, you know, the, all they knew of the Bible and, and I feel like,
but they trusted him because he fulfilled prophecy and they could, and obviously they
just knew, I guess, in their spirits, I don't know.
But I think for me, I do feel that in my spirit, I have peace with, you know, what exactly
exactly what you said, like, I don't have to try to like, analyze it and explain it
and all of these things to make, so that somebody else can understand it simply because
I'm like, well, I think a lot of that, I think a lot of that, um, is a fleshly, we're trying
to, I don't know how you would say it.
We're trying to reassure ourselves, but, and another thing I do, I do feel like I have
found peace with is like, even with the word, like I've struggled with, with reading my
Bible just because I feel so scared of it.
Like I feel scared of interpreting it wrong.
And, but I was, um, I just feel like in the last year I have, I felt like, you know what,
it talks about how in the beginning was the word and the word was with God and the word
was God.
And I feel like more than ever, I'm like, you know what, actually God cannot be separated
from his word.
Like what we have today is, is the physical, is the physical word of God, but we also have
like the living word of God that lives inside of us.
And that is.
something that we can trust. And I think, yeah, I'm probably
being just like my dad right now, just verbally processing
everything.
I do that too.
I, I was talking to my my pastor's wife about some of this
stuff. And I just said, you know, I believe that somebody
can be a believer and know Christ and truly have his spirit
within them, and maybe never even have access to the Bible,
because they have the living Word of God inside of them.
Yeah, most people, most Christians on earth don't have
access to a Bible.
You think about how many people are in Africa, Asia, most
people don't.
Yeah. And I think that's also what what brings a lot of fear
even in trying to like, that's why I don't share what I
believe, you know, with with people, because I feel like
immediately this little voice comes and it's like, Who are
you? You haven't even like sat down and read your Bible. I
mean, I do here and there, but it's not like I've sat down and
like read my Bible faithfully for like, I mean, I feel like
I've been avoiding it ever since I tried to read through it in a
year. I'm just like, I'm traumatized. And
and I feel horrible saying that because I know that there's some
disconnect because I know that that's not what it's supposed to
do. But at the same time, I feel like there was so many
heavy things through the new the Old Testament that I was trying
to reconcile that I couldn't reconcile. And yeah, I don't
know. I feel like I'm not making much sense.
No. And I'm sorry. I think my husband's about to have a call.
So I'm gonna move outside just one moment.
I didn't hear you coughing it.
And yeah, one of the things that I recommend to people to that
helps a lot when and what's really pretty out here is
finally getting cooler, which is nice. And what that I recommend
to people when they don't like reading the Bible, they're not
enjoying it, is that they're, they're, it's not intimidating.
What's the word? There's an intimidation factor, just like,
oh, my word that felt that felt like work. Yeah, I'm gonna have
to study it and have to learn what if I get it wrong? What if
I find out that God said something different than I
thought that he said, you know, whatever. And, or I'm going to
feel corrected, or whatever. Sorry, I'm like, looking at
those are bugs. And on my poor little plant. And that's what I
found to be very, very helpful is when we just kind of start
reading scripture, like it is a fiction book or something. And
where it's like,
where there's no pressure anymore.
Oh, I forgot, you can just tell me Yeah, where there's just no
pressure anymore. And you just you just and I don't mean
fiction, like it's not true. I mean, the fact that you just,
you don't, you're not trying to get anything out of a fiction
book, you're just, you're just enjoying reading it, you're just
like, and you're reading it really fast. You're not trying
to memorize it, you're not trying to learn something from
it, you're just spending time with the Lord and just reading
what he said, and just kind of, and you'll read it pretty fast.
As opposed to like, trying, like I said, trying to approach it
from an agenda of learning something, then it's easier to
get back into scripture reading that way also trying to read in
a version that you've never read before. The light is especially
a version that is very, like New Living Translation, or Passion
Translation, or something like that, that is the same as
something like that, that isn't. Oh, good. And Passion
Translation that I always recommend to people that they
kind of that they don't see it like actual scripture, because
it's people have a difficult time with Passion Translation
because you're like, Oh, my word, that's too. That that's
what do they call it a thought for thought or concept for
concept. Translation instead of a word for word, and I'm already
can't use that for study. I'm like, well, then just read like
a commentary. It's just one person's perspective and
interpretation of what they thought that scripture would
say. And, and just kind of like reading, read the Bible with
freshness, again, and then that's not the translation that
you use to like study. But you could do that with the Passion
Translation, you could do it with like, like I said, the New
Living, or something that's just very, it's very
It's, it's a lot, it's, it's a lot more contemporary approach, but not perfect writing.
Forgive me.
I'm not, I don't feel like I'm speaking very well today because I'm not feeling very well.
So I feel like I'm not being very articulate, but anyway, I would recommend that.
And that you're just going to spend time with God, like those experiences of like sitting
with him and you're just being with him.
You're not trying to, you don't have an agenda where, Oh, this is my devotional time.
I'm supposed to get encouragement for the rest of the day.
And there's this agenda to it.
There's like, I'm supposed to get something out of it so that I feel like I'm failing.
If I don't get something out of it, I feel like something's wrong with me.
There's like this, this barrier or whatever, it's like, Oh, just go spend time with them
where you're not trying to learn something about them.
You're just in his presence.
And that will, that'll take the stigma off of spending time with the Lord as well as
reading the Bible.
So does that help?
Is that helpful?
Yeah, it is.
And I feel like that's what I've been doing.
Like I feel like the more I got self permission to like just chill and yeah, yeah.
I feel like the more, or go ahead, well, no, no, along those lines, that's something that
I was going to say is back to what we were talking about earlier.
You just go and you just be with God again, like when talking about it related to, you
know, Oh, well, I just, you know, these people are saying these things and I just feel like
I don't feel like I'm on solid footing and whatever.
Don't worry about whether or not you like in that moment, when you need to be reassured,
don't worry about whether or not what you're believing or what you have been believing
or trying to step out of faith in or whatever isn't right.
Just go and be with God and just let yourself experience who he is and learn about him like
that and see if what he says or your interaction with him, your experience of him affirms the
things that you've been hearing or doesn't because you only ever want to take something
and act on it because you're ever, each one of us is responsible for our own relationship
with the Lord and accountable to him for that.
You only want to take things that resonate in your spirit where God is saying, yes, what
that person said is right.
As opposed to, you know, Oh, well that sounded logical or that sounded good or I want that
to be true.
No.
What resonates in your spirit between you and the Lord?
So anyway, that's it.
That was something else I was going to say is just kind of like to relieve all of this
a little similar to what I was talking about with the net earlier is whenever you start
feeling yourself getting stuck and bogged down, just go back to the simple thing.
Just go be with God and let your experience of him without an agenda, without trying to
learn something, without trying to ask him questions about like, Lord, I don't know if
this is right or wrong, you know, just go be with him and see and allow your experience
of him to teach you who he's really like.
Anyway.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
And I, I, I think what's frustrating to me is I, I feel like I was doing that and I feel
like I was doing it.
Wow.
Like I felt like I was really, really getting somewhere and then, yeah.
And I know this is probably just part of life in an old situation where you were triggered
of like, this is how you used to have to respond to all my word.
It's habit.
It's habit of what you had been taught was you were supposed to find your value in.
You were supposed to find your security in your whatever it's just.
And so don't, don't be hard on yourself or aggravated with yourself or upset with yourself
about it.
Just like, Oh, okay.
See, that's a part of me.
That's why I'm, that's why I'm pursuing the Lord.
It's because I've been in this much bondage where when I talk to people, I started feeling
death come in.
I started feeling this come in.
I farted, started to sink, lack of movement, hopelessness, you know, my God was great.
And now I've talked to somebody and my world's imploded, you know?
Yeah.
It was just like, well, it's just like, Hey, just come be with me and see what you think
after you're, you're with me, you know?
Yeah.
And I know, I know in my spirit, that's the answer.
And that's, yeah, I, that's what I choose, even though it's a, it's a, not a one time
thing.
Done deal.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I will tell you though, that whenever kind of like what we were talking about earlier
with the net, you know, about like struggles, trials, that this is the hardest that it will
be.
Um, when, if you choose to let go of this and just choose to hold on to God, instead
of struggling with all of this, what you've been triggered by, you'll feel you, you won't
feel this way anymore.
This weight is only in the struggle.
Yeah.
Oh, it's not like, it's not like you have to, you're in this struggle.
Like, oh my word, is it just going to get worse when I find out the truth?
It's the opposite.
It's this as bad as it feels.
So if you don't like feeling this way, take the hard, make a hard
choice and the big risk that what he says is true and it's a risk.
So we, so we feel that that's going to be painful, but I promise
you it's so much less painful.
It's like everything within you all set goes still when you make that choice.
It's kind of like breaking the sound barrier.
You know, there's all of this noise, all this chaos, and then boom, you
have to pass the sound barrier and everything goes silent or when
spaceships go up into outer space.
If we've seen those movies where they shoot up into outer space,
there's all of this noise.
And then eventually they get out of the earth atmosphere, everything
shuts off and it is like deathly silence.
You know, that's how, how it is.
You just get into stillness.
So it's like this, where it is that you are is the worst that it can feel.
And it's like every, it's by choosing what God is inviting you to choose about
his freedom and who he is and just going to be with him and whatever
that gets you out of this place.
So in other words, you have an opportunity to get out of it, as opposed
to, as opposed to our old way of thinking, the way that we grew up of
like, no, this is where God is.
This is the Holy spirit.
Convicting you.
We got so used to our experience of God feeling bad and it's the opposite.
Our experience of God is to get us out of that and to fill the stillness.
And, uh, if it's freedom, does that make sense?
Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
And I, I did find myself this morning, just as I was like trying to like not
panic my way through the morning, like remembering, remembering being
encounters that I've had with the Lord and all of the, all of the things that
he's done for me that I can't like, that I can't explain to somebody and say,
Oh yeah, this physically happened, but that they also, I know they
can never take away from me.
So, um, I feel like that was encouraging for me.
Um, I know I'm going to be okay.
I feel like it's just, yeah.
It's just hard to get through.
Yeah.
Well, it's good to talk to both of y'all.
I love getting to chat with y'all and in between times on WhatsApp as well.
So now just reach out if you have anything.
Same.
And it was so lovely, uh, being over for Christmas.
I know, I know.
I loved that dream.
I was like, I took that as encouragement from the Lord.
I'm like, Oh Lord, is that what my life is like?
That was exciting.
So I appreciated it.
That's great.
All right.
Well, I will see y'all on Thursday.
Feel better.
I hope you get to rest.
And thanks.
I'm going to go lay down.
Hope you wake up.
Thank you very much.
Hope you sleep good and have a good rest of your day.
Thank you.
Bye.