Sorry, I was like sitting there, I'm like, Oh, no, did I have the wrong one or am I?
I'm up at my friend's house.
Just feeding her cat.
So I was like, Okay, I'll just log on from here.
And then I was like, Oh, maybe because I'm not on Wi Fi, but that shouldn't matter.
And then you said it was a new link.
So I was like, Oh, good.
It wasn't me.
Well, I forgot until I went into my zoom and it said you have got no upcoming meetings.
I was like, Yes, I do realize, oh, I'd set up that link to go through, you know, last
week.
Yeah.
I got sick.
So that's why I decided to end.
So it's like, Okay, just create a new one real quick and send it.
Oh, good.
How are you feeling?
Better.
I'm a bit, you know, as with is usual with COVID is, you know, just watch out.
So I'm tired.
I mean, it does with a knee sickness, but COVID is just kind of known for that.
So anyway, so my energy isn't great, but it's a lot better, obviously, than it was.
And so I managed to get a grocery store run in before our meeting.
So that was good, because during me, during me being sick, my mother in law, so sweetly
from Florida, ordered us Uber Eats, I mean, just randomly showed up at the door, like
hot food.
And then it was followed behind with another Uber Eats driver from a lot of Uber Eats that
delivering Target groceries.
So I was taking care of last week, but I needed some more this week, so I had to go
out again.
But yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm glad people are taking care of you.
So I know, it's really nice, because, you know, as you know, and, you know, just living
alone when you're sick, I mean, if you need food, you got to do it, you know, yeah, you're
the one who has to make it happen.
And so since I've lived literally half of my life like that, and because I was, because,
you know, I was, well, I'd say half, maybe not quite half, but I didn't get married until,
you know, I was 39.
So I was, I'm spent half my adulthood, you know, single.
And I'm finally getting to enjoy, oh, so this is what it's like to live with someone.
Somebody can get me groceries.
I know.
This is so nice.
Is this how the other problems always lived?
Anyway, that's been really nice.
I've been, I'm slowly getting to like, see the other side that I've always thought about
it.
My, I was, Ed and I were in Houston, you know, a few weekends ago, well, maybe about a month
ago now, something like that.
And there was a lady that we were staying with, we were staying with her and her husband.
And she said, oh, well, my, my daughter is about, no, her daughter wasn't my age.
I told her how old I was when Ed and I got married and that we'd only been married for
like 15 months.
And the, and how old I was, like I said, when we got married and she said, oh, wow, really?
She said, well, my daughter is 30.
I think she said 32 or something like that and is really struggling.
So to hear that you got married, you know, at 38 or 39, 39, I was 38 or 39 now, and you
got married at 38.
She said, that's going to give her a lot of hope, especially because I told her that I'd
never dated anyone.
And I mean, technically I've gone on several dates with like different guys, but like none
of them, I would call boyfriend.
Like I wasn't.
Yeah.
I wasn't dating any of them, you know, and, and, and I told her, I said, yeah.
I said, just to encourage her, cause I hadn't met her at the time, the daughter at the time.
And I did like a couple of days later, but I said, just to encourage her, I said, you
just let her know that it really is as hard as she feels that it is.
I said, you know, I always wondered if I just was kind of living in some kind of a victim
mentality because I just felt that being single was so hard in society and that society
was just societal norms and events were built around that, you know, families and couples
and whatever.
And I kept thinking that, well, you know, sure, that makes sense, but I bet you that
I'm just making it harder than it really is.
And I'm just looking at it with victim mentality because I want something different from my
life and whatever.
And I said, I told her though, I told her, I said, you know, when I got married though,
I said, all those struggles.
rules that I had dealt with, they changed, meaning like what I really thought was happening
really had been happening.
And then my life really did change in the way I wanted to when I got married, meaning
like socially, like, like it was like at parties or, or making friends or getting to know people
or that people feel more comfortable walking up to you when you're near.
I said, I noticed, I said, I have not been married long.
And I said, I noticed immediately, as soon as I got married, everything changed.
Yeah.
So I realized then that it really had been as hard as I thought that it was, and that
it wasn't me being hard on myself or being, being too hard on myself, or it wasn't a victim
mentality.
It was me struggling with the reality of things are set up.
And I understand why it's working like that, but anyway, so I just thought about that just,
just now.
So if there's any encouragement at all, that it, that to know that if it really, when it
feels hard, you know, for all of the reasons, like I mentioned, you know, for society, you're
like, maybe, maybe it's, maybe it sounds to me though, that you have easier time making
friends than I did.
And, and a better, and it's easier for you to like, that you do a better job of like
networking and, and building relationships than I did.
But if you ever do find it hard and feel like there's there, there's a bubble, it's because
there is.
Yeah.
I discovered it.
I live both sides now.
And I'm like, although there's a bubble, I was treated differently on either side of
the bubble.
Yeah.
I just know, I mean, it's not hard on yourself.
Yeah.
No, it's real.
I mean, God's been really good to me all the time.
Like even I feel like he's given me new friends groups, like whenever, but what's been sad
is that I'll have these close friends and then they all get married and then I get new
friends.
So I like taking care of it's like, but then they get married and then I get new friends.
So I was like, okay, well, people think I'm younger, so that's nice.
But still, I'm like, but I'm not, you know, I'm like, no, I'm like, so people get shocked
when they hear how old I am.
And then they're like, Oh, no, we were not thinking that.
And I'm like, I can't.
At one point, I'm like, it has to change.
Because it's like, I mean, now I love the community where I am, you know, but it's also
it's different.
It's like, most of them obviously are pre Christians, you know, so that's a different
thing.
And I like how you word that, pre Christians.
And then it's like, I mean, the youngest ones are like, 27.
So I'm like, and I'm like, well, I like almost could be your mom.
You know, but like, most Yeah, but most of them are like, 36, 37.
And one is like 40.
But still, it's like, yeah, 3036 is still like, you know, now I'm like, Oh, why did
I stress when I was like, 35?
You know?
But yeah, it is interesting.
And I was so I'm like, Oh, I'm always being taken care of.
So I feel fine.
That's great.
But at the same time, it's like, obviously, when it's like planning vacations, like New
Year's coming up, like Easter, like all of those things, like I just miss having somebody
to plan that with.
So it's like, you're not at the mercy of somebody else that's doing the same thing.
But people are super nice and being in, you know, including me, but I'm like, and that's
awesome.
And I feel like whether you're 36 or 44, it's not like super huge difference.
But then again, it is, you know.
So I have been I was thinking the other day, I was like, Whoa, if I was like me as a man,
I'd be like a catch.
You know, not married, no kids, like 44.
Not too bad looking, like, okay, looking like, have your have your own job, have money, never
been married, no kids, like, I mean, you'd be fighting girls.
Very true.
And I'm like, well, who decided it was different with girls?
I've never thought that, but I just thought that the other day, I was like, Oh, that's
really interesting.
Like, why did I think that?
But then I'm like, it's true.
Yeah.
Correct.
It's like we have an expiry date.
Yeah.
I know that it's interesting.
I never thought of it quite in those words.
Like, I was never able to articulate it.
But that idea was there of like, of kids.
I've never been one to do the whole, like do a lot of comparison between men and women
and you has it worse than whatever, because I was hearing so much about the feminine stuff
and feminism and feminism and whatever.
And it's just like, Oh, I don't want to be like that.
And so I really and the way that I grew up, you know, women were always cherished.
And so I always felt it was such a privilege to be a woman, because we were just like covered
and taken care of.
And so growing up, I never, I never had any different kind of an experience, but I mean,
like a difficult experience.
So I wasn't, I didn't feel exposed to the challenges like that until or I didn't recognize
them about the difference between men and women until I hit until I was in at a large
corporation few several years ago now, I guess it didn't feel like that long ago, but years
ago now.
And, and someone told me that the reason I was having trouble with someone, a gentleman
is because he was, he had an issue with women.
It was like, I don't think so.
I don't think that's right.
And like, no, Ashley, it's true.
And when I had intelligent people that I respected, and I had multiple of them watch the situation
and say, no, actually, we're telling you, we're watching the dynamic between the two
of you.
And we're telling you, that's what's going on.
Then I'll open my eyes to, oh, wow.
So that really does exist outside of like, you know, some political, you know, agenda,
it really is a thing out there somewhere.
So anyway, my point in saying that is, it opened my eyes to realize that there really
are some differences that I hadn't given allowance to, because I hadn't really felt,
I hadn't felt the pain of the difference.
And that there is a difference that I noticed between single men and single women.
And sometimes how hard, how much harder it can be for women, and single women in society
than single men.
Like you said, it's like there's an expiration date, while for a man, it's like, the more
he matures, the better it gets.
From a societal perspective.
So anyway, I just think all of this is just rather, I don't know, just rather interesting.
Yeah, it is super interesting.
Yeah.
It's like, things to reflect on, because it's just like, I was never even thinking about
that until I think I was like, 35, 36.
About that was the first time I was like, starting thinking like, hmm.
Well, what about kids?
Like, do I want them?
Do I would I want it?
Like, do I enjoy it?
You know, because then, yeah, friends of mine were starting talking about having kids by
themselves.
And I was like, No, like, please don't, you know, like, I had so many discussions, thankfully
none of them have, they all found guys, but like, thank goodness.
But um, yeah, but then I was like, Oh, I wonder how much is like something you want, or something
that's just expected of society, or what is like, protection, because maybe you won't
have it.
And you're like, Oh, maybe I don't like, those are like, things that I'm just like, reflecting
on, you know, where it's like, because I think so many of the younger people around me are
like, I don't even know if I want kids, you know, a lot of them, like a new thing, you
know, yeah.
Most of them actually are like, they're either like, I don't want it, or they're like, I
don't know if I want.
Yeah.
It's been challenging me on a past few, I don't know, well, I don't know, maybe a year
or so of whether what it is that I want, is something that I really want, or that I just
learned really early on, was something I'm supposed to want.
Yeah.
So I adopted it.
And because it was so early on, like, say, for instance, I was in elementary school.
Yeah.
And I haven't known, and I'm almost 40 now.
And so it's, it's been my whole life, essentially.
And so I just thought, I thought that was me.
And so it's really caused me to, it's really challenged my perspective of things.
And I, it's something I never thought of before, because it's very easy to distinguish, and
this falls in line with what I'll be teaching about when I get the teaching sessions out
this week.
It's very easy to distinguish between what some, the fact that we feel that, that society
is pushing something on us that we don't want, versus something we really do want for ourselves.
That's easy to distinguish.
But what's hard is when you think that you want something, and, and, and trying to discern
between all the things that you want, what do you really want?
And what do you want because you think society, because, because you think it's going to get
you something in society that you wanted, you thought it was going to get you attention
or you thought it was going to get you make you valued, seen as a value, valued contributor.
And there's this underlying reason that we don't realize creates is the foundation for
wanting this.
And we just think it's this that we want, and really it's what we think this will get
us.
And we don't realize that we just think we've just wanted it for so long.
Yeah.
We interpreted getting this by getting this so long that we just think, well, this is
what I want.
So anyway, it, it, I'm telling you what, it's just like really been a challenge for a challenge
for me, meaning like it's, it's caused me to have to stop and think about things that
I never thought that I'd need to think about and really question.
So who am I?
And what is it that I really want?
What do I want to pursue?
What do I want to build?
But yeah, I have.
And so anyway, that's been something that I've been thinking about, you know, for a
year, but particularly this summer, you know, it's the worst, a lot of healing in me and
whatever.
And, and as it's more and more time goes on and I set more and more into my own, you know,
I own myself more with between me and the Lord.
So anyway, so how have you been?
Yeah, this is, this is good.
I've been, I don't know, I kind of feel like I'm in a vacuum almost, like I actually wrote
my doctor last week, just like to set up an appointment, the earliest ship was next week.
So I'll go there, but it's mainly because I could just feel like my heart has been like
racing and like, I could get numb in my, you know, my lips.
And I was like, and I'm like, Oh, it's probably just like, it's very like symptomatic, I feel
like of stress over time.
So I think now as I'm just like, I just said the final stretch of waiting, it's like, I
feel fine.
But then I'm like, Okay, my body is not, you know, my body is trying to tell me, you know,
to like, chill.
So I'll see when I go see her.
I just wanted to like rule out that anything is like, because I feel like it's not but
I'm like, it's just good to do.
And then, um, yeah, um, so I think I'm still kind of I'm, I feel like I'm learning more
to just trust that God is in control, like with everything, whether it's the court case
or meeting someone or getting a new job or things like this.
I feel I feel peaceful.
And I'm like, Oh, I feel like there's something coming.
I just can't pinpoint it, you know.
And it just part of me feels like I just have to wait.
And then and then I think part of me is just thinking which is interesting, why was that
we started this conversation earlier is because I think Renata had mentioned to me that you
had talked to her about something you did.
And then like a week after, like, Ed asked you out or something.
So I think that's where I am, like, where am I in like, resting and where I am, and
then actively pursuing something or like doing something.
I see.
You know, like, so I feel like that's where I am.
Because right now I'm like, Oh, I feel peaceful with the court case.
But obviously, my body is still reacting.
So I'm like, should I be doing something there, you know, and it's like everything
happening in Israel, and then people are like, and I'm like, I understand people are freaking
out.
And then I, I understand how my mindset has changed.
So I'm like, No, we carry peace, like, we have to release that we have to like, from
the spirit, like, release that and pray for it and, like, pray from that sense and not
be caught up in the whirlwind of fear, you know.
So there, I feel like, because it's not affecting people, of course, but not like personally,
I mean, I have people that I know that are but like, then it's easier to see, oh, I need
to get up on a spirit level and pray from there and decree from there and like release
them.
Yeah.
But I don't really know how to do that in my own life, whether it comes like what you
said, like with the court case, or meeting someone or like the job or whatever.
So because like, with the weight, I'm still like, embracing my body, thanking it and doing
all of these things.
And, and now I've been wanting to eat like more healthy, so I feel more free around food,
you know, I'm just like, learning to like, yeah, do things, I feel more freedom in that.
So I'm like, Oh, I feel like, well, whenever.
things is gonna happen it's gonna happen, you know, but then I I'm not sure if I'm cuz I feel fine around it
And then I think maybe I have a fear that oh, do I feel too fine?
Should I be doing something else? You know, I think that is the general in all of those things whether it's like I
Feel fine being single because I'm so well taken care of but obviously I'd love to meet someone should I do something else?
You know, like is there something that I'm blocking or have I been?
Disappointed like what we're talking like when I said with the kids things it's like, oh do I even want it?
I don't really know
Or have I just gotten there because I think that's gone, you know, like or at some point
It's just like even if it's physically possible. I'm like, would you even want to it a certain age?
You know what? I mean? Like I think those things are what I'm
just pondering but it doesn't feel like
But it doesn't feel like
Struggles in that sense like it doesn't bother me
How maybe it used to before where I would like go and think about it and be anxious and like yeah
I have to do this and this and this and this like I feel relaxed, but I'm just like hmm
Still feel like I should practically like be doing something. Yeah. Yeah, but that makes sense. And
so we'll be talking more more about that and
You know at the end of the week
About because the first thing we'll be talking about is the knowing ourselves
So that we can know God and so, you know that the last one was, you know accepting ourselves, you know, be me Lord
You know fooling me just however it is that I am fully accept myself and whatever and then forgive let go whatnot
and then this next one is going to be about and
Knowing like who it is that we really are like what we've been talking, you know in this conversation is what are what do I?
Really feel what do I really want?
Yeah, and not even necessarily just thought not even all the all the positives
but also the negatives as well because now usually what's happened is we've
we're so focused on the negative and we don't want to feel the negative that we've shut all of our
Emotions down to the point or cycle them all to the point where we don't feel the positive ones as much either and we're afraid
We think that wanting anything just just can lead to disappointment
So again, we make all of our decisions based on what it is. We don't want to happen in the future
So we're gonna be talking about that about like who it is that we really are and the last one is going to be called
You know own myself, which is about okay. Well now that I'm you know, fully accepting myself as I am
You know regardless of what that means regardless what that means that I find that's negative within me meaning like the negative parts
Parts of myself that view things negatively that view things and if you things in anger, whatever and then okay
So now that I'm I allowed myself to be a safe place for myself now allow all those feelings to come up
You know, what? What are the evidence themselves at in the end?
What do you do with them? And that's the last one is owning ourselves. So what do you actually do?
I can like start the conversation about all of that
from
telling you the story of
You know Ed and I and I meant to do this
I think it was the very first session and then I just I just forgot it was at the end of my notes and then
I realized later that I thought I'd gotten to the end of my notes
So I finished the session and then after I got off the session like an hour or two later
I looked at him. I was like wait a minute. There's this whole section
And in it was the story about like at a nice so
What had happened was I had been very and the Lord's gonna have to remind me
the whole story that I had but basically the thing is that
Being single like everything it is that I went through because I it was basically
Kind of the focus of my life for the majority of my life was getting married ever since I was six years old
I would hold this little baby
It was a it was a baby doll and I remember about six years old
I remember exactly where it is that I was and I was I was playing with my doll and
Putting her in the cradle and all of a sudden I realized wait a minute
One day since I'm a girl. I'm gonna in girls grow up to be you know, big girls
You know that are called women that are moms then it means that I'm gonna have my own one day
And so I'm gonna have a real baby not a baby doll, you know, I'm gonna be like one of those oh wow and
So from that point on I just thought again talking about societal norms
What do you want versus what do you think it's expected is I just thought oh, that's you know
I just thought well, that's what I'm supposed to want. That'll get me credibility in society. It'll give me like value
because the people that I grew up around greatly valued a woman for how she expressed herself as
a wife and as a mom. And then a lot of them were like, Oh, that was big time that homeschooling
was starting to come up. So everything revolved in my life revolved around, and we were homeschooled
everything in my life that I, of what I watched women do revolved around them taking all of this
stuff to potlucks and then doing Bible studies and then cooking and then cleaning and then going to
the grocery store and then, you know, doing the, um, taking care of kids. And so I thought that is
my future and that's my life. That's what's expected of me. And what enables all those
things to happen? You have to get married. Yeah. Not to mention the fact that if I felt that if I
got married, I'd finally be fully accepted by someone because I struggled with that growing
up feeling fully accepted for who it is that I was. And I thought, well, these other people
that are just, they just have to be around me because they're my family. But when I get,
but when I'm grown, that person has to choose me. So it must be real. It must be genuine and
whatever. So it became this whole focus of this is what I need in order to make all these other
things happen, which of course meant that it was, that was what I was, uh, founding my identity and
I was founding my identity and whether in, in that as a woman, I had to check all of these boxes off.
And the only thing that would allow me to do that is if I had a man in my life that
enabled me to do that, because that's way I thought that society was set up to only allow
it to happen. You know, that was only, that was going to give me what it is that I wanted, which
was feeling like I was considered credible as a woman and that I had a value contribution to
society, you know, and that I would be included and all of that kind of stuff would be included
in like relationships, uh, you know, societal relationships, whatever. So it, again, like what
we were talking about before, where it's like, this is what you really want, but you build all
of these things on top of it that you think get you this. And then you start focusing just on
these and you forget that that's why you created the desire in the first place. And you just think,
I just, I just want to get married. I just want to get married. That's all. And it was just,
it was just my sole focus. Um, because again, I, the, the, you know, deep down, I was basing my
sense of identity and value in that. And that's why I wanted so desperately. It became an obsession.
Uh, no, I was not one of those people that like flirted or I was trying to put myself in
guys' ways and acted desperate for me. It was very much the opposite. I was very hard to get.
I wasn't trying to play hard to get going, sweetie. I know it's a, it's a honeybee.
Um, uh, I wasn't trying to play hard to get. It was just that I also knew that, well, no,
you're supposed to do things the right way. And there's rules, there's boundaries. And I was just
very strict. So I handled every aspect of my life that way, including this whole, like getting
married, finding someone, et cetera. So what ended up happening is, um, I, I wasn't getting asked out.
I, um, you know, wasn't being pursued or the guys that were pursuing me were the really
socially awkward guys that, because I was nice to everybody and they weren't used to being,
you know, treated nicely. And so therefore, you know, they, they cling to, you know,
my cousin is the one, my cousin's a guy. And he had to explain that to me in college.
One time I was like, why do all of these weird guys, you know, why are they the ones, only ones
that are pursuing me? And he said, actually, because you're nice to them and no one else.
And I was like, it's a horrible reason. Everyone should be nice to them. And, you know, anyway,
so I was very frustrated by that. Well, um, you know, just the pain just increased again, again,
just over and over and over again, you know, throughout the years, uh, with, uh, because I
tried as much as possible to make my life as normal and be as much a part of society as I could.
So, okay. I'm going to, not only am I going to go to all the baby showers and all of the,
the laundry showers and bridal showers and the weddings and, you know, help brides shop for this
and do that. Not only am I going to do that, I'm going to like go the extra mile and be really
involved in, I'm going to squelch this, this pain inside of me and not be selfish and focus on all
of them by hosting all of these things. So I would, I, I was in, um, I would help with so
many different weddings going to the absolute nth degree. In fact, the very first wedding I was in,
I was the wedding coordinator and I did the makeup for the bride and I was the maid of honor.
And it was the very first one I'd ever been in. Oh, no, it was worse than that. It was also the
day before I graduated from college and I was struggling with mono and didn't know it,
it hadn't been caught. And, but, and it was my last semester of college.
And I was trying to graduate with, uh, I was trying to graduate summa cum laude.
So it was pushing all of my grades that's that semester.
And I was exercising and I was running up to six miles a day,
all while struggling with mono planning a wedding that I'd never planned before.
It was crazy.
And so when I say that I push hard, I push hard.
And I'm always thinking I'm the problem and I just need to push harder.
I need to do more.
I need to, um, so that's why I did all these things.
Like I hosted things and I would, if I, cause my tendency was if I felt pain,
I would push harder into it.
So if I felt pain from being single, I was going to find all of the ways that all of
the things that I wanted to avoid doing.
And I was going to run at, run at them full steam and do them with excellence.
And, um, anyway, so I just created lots and lots of pain for myself though.
But y'all heard that before that the way that I thought that life was,
is that whatever it is that I wanted was bad.
And whatever it is that God, what I didn't want must be God.
So I didn't do anything I wanted to do.
And I always did everything I didn't want to do.
And so here's perfect example and story of all of that.
So point in telling you all this detail is.
It was not all I wanted to paint this picture.
Like it was literally my whole life.
It was, I mean, other than the fact that I worked for a living.
And I didn't have many, you know, friendships and relationships.
I mean, I had, you know, I had friends and whatever, but I tend to have fewer closer
friends.
And so my life was just focused on work and the fact that I was single and I didn't want
to be single anymore, but was I doing anything about it?
No.
I mean, I was, I was going to work and I was going to church.
I mean, what did they expect me to do?
Go to bars.
I mean, that just wasn't me.
Now, maybe you do that and other people do that.
And if I look back on it, I wish I had.
But I didn't.
I mean, I don't wish I'd gone to like clubs and stuff.
That's just not my personality, but I do wish that I'd had more of a healthy perspective
of like, and a healthy exposure to just society outside of.
Outside of strictly church and work, like even like sports clubs or whatever.
And I just didn't.
So point is my, the pain that I went through was very, very, very intense.
And I was just very, very hard on myself.
And I created a very difficult life for myself.
But all this time, I thought I wanted it really, really badly.
And I was desperate.
So I would just cry out to the Lord.
And this is part of how I've learned, not just this one situation, but other situations
as well, that desperation does not, it doesn't hold a currency with the Lord.
We can want something really, really, really badly, but that doesn't mean that God's just
like, Oh yeah, I've just been wanting you to want it really badly.
And now I'll give it to you.
He's like, no, that's not what we're going for.
He's like, I'm wanting you to trust me.
I'm wanting you to choose me.
And the desperation can lead you to the point where you finally let go of everything,
including the desperation.
But the desperation itself can't come into the kingdom and can't.
And something so negative is not what will push you into the kingdom.
Only good things will push you into the kingdom.
So, you know, to experience good things in the kingdom.
So anyway, I was extremely desperate.
So my point is, I thought I was open.
And this, you know, eventually leads to the story, you know, that Renata was telling you,
I thought I was open, but I wasn't, I was very closed off.
And part of it is, I didn't expect to be accepted.
I expected to be rejected and I didn't expect God to give me good things.
I expected to be disappointed.
I expected that it would, that if that, that to find a relationship was going to take a very
long time, because I thought that's who God was because God just made things hard.
That's what I thought.
And that the road to it was going to be very challenging.
It was going to be very difficult.
And, and God was just going to like, see how long that I would last and how many things
he could throw at me.
And without me like completely breaking.
And that if I broke, I would lose it.
I would lose my opportunity.
And so my only chance in getting it was to lasting, it was to last and endure as long
as he threw things at me or he put obstacles in my way or whatever.
And I've changed so much in my understanding of the Lord that to me, it's wild to vocalize
these things.
But back then, that is literally how that I was in that much of a sewage in my, in my
spiritual perspective of things.
And that it was just that bad.
And, and that's what I really did think about the Lord.
So I finally began to heal a lot.
And the only way that I healed from the whole single thing, singleness.
thing in it and stopping to be such an obsession is because I finally began to change the whole
reason that it was important to me, which was my identity. I finally found that in the Lord.
And the only way that I did is I got desperate enough where the pain of changing was less than
the pain of staying the same, you know, through that phrase. And, and for, and that didn't happen
until I think I was 34, 35, something like that. Finally, that the pain of every, of staying the
same was too, too great. So I shifted and it wasn't about being single or not being single
to that point. By that point, by that point I'd gotten, I not only have this single part of my
life, you know, just not worked out the way I wanted, you know, the married part, the relationship
part, but all these other aspects, business, feeling like I had any kind of success, et cetera.
Oh, I tell you what, what broke it was my you remember me telling that story about in December
of 2018, everything changed. And the fact that on Christmas day, you know, I finally had had it.
Well, what I don't tell people is what happened just publicly. I mean, I can tell you this on
this call, but is the fact that my what I wanted is I wanted to be married. I wanted a house. I
wanted a minivan. I wanted children. I wanted, I don't think there's anything else, but anyway,
I just kind of wanted a place as, as, as one of the women of the families in a church. And that's
the, it was like this perfect little, little picture that I created when I was really young,
watching my mom and the kind of life she had. And I thought this is apparently, and then the lives
of the people that she knew. And I thought, apparently this is the ideal. And anyway,
excuse me. At that point, my best friend and my sister had both married. So I had,
there were three people in my life that were about my age, you know, that we're all like going through
life together. I was always kind of the one that led everybody. I was always the most mature
out of me and my siblings, because obviously I'm the oldest. And then my best friend at,
at, at the time she was my age, but she acted much younger. She acted more like my sister's age.
So she always emotionally needed everyone, including to this day needs everyone to kind
of like emotionally, you know, keep her together, which is very sad. And supporters trying to say,
not keep her together supporter. And so I was led everybody, but over the years I watched everybody
get all of the things in the checklist that I'd asked the Lord for. They all got married. They
all got a house. They all had had kids. And by that time, they all had multiple,
I say they all had multiple Audra and my sister and, and Sarah did my friend.
And my brother, however, had by that point, he'd gotten married, he'd been married. He'd he'd had,
he had a house. And at that Christmas, they finally announced that they were pregnant for
the first time. I couldn't handle it anymore. That was like the last thing because finally,
now everyone had everything that I wanted and I didn't have anything like I'd watched all of them
go through dating multiple people and at least having that experience relationships. And then
finally going to engagement and having maybe an engagement party. And then they're having the,
the you know, all of their, you know, their bridal showers and the lingerie showers and shopping for
wedding dresses and having the wedding. And then they get, then they get married and people are
always asking their opinion, you know, before Christmas, like, Hey, can y'all make it? Hey,
can y'all, you know, or thanks to me, Hey, can y'all do this? Hey, and including them in the
plans. And then me, I mean, we would go off and we would go off. I'm like for family vacations.
And my grandma was living with us at the time. And I love my grandma. She's so special. And she,
well, she still is. She's very special, very, very fun and very sweet. And so she and I were
really close, but I kind of took her under my wing because her, um, my granddaddy had passed
away and she was like really struggling and just feeling very alone. And so anyway, me as usual,
I'm like trying to take care of somebody else, you know, because I feel that that's my law in
life and she got to take her. So we would go on these family vacations and everybody else is now
a couple of that, except Ashley. So to the thing of like, Oh, well, actually just sleep with grandma
or Ashley sleep on the couch. So I'm like being stuck in like the leftover places while everybody
else, okay, well, they're, they're married. We need to make sure they have a room. We need to
make sure they have a room. And I just felt like this leftover now, no one was intentionally doing
it. In fact, hearing my mom, even at the time, she was trying to intentionally remember me and,
you know, and make sure I was okay and whatever, but there was this aspect of feeling like.
Like, Asha just needs to be stuck wherever.
So again, it was this affirmation of,
I'm just not as much as everybody else
who are getting all of these things checked off their list.
And they're being treated like that
because they're getting stuff checked off their list.
So finally, I find out my brother and sister-in-law
are having a baby and I'm like,
now everyone has everything.
And I lost it.
Now, not in front of everyone,
but I, after, you know,
I did the appropriate congratulations.
Oh my goodness, we're so excited, this is great.
I waited just about like a minute.
And I was like, I can't take this anymore.
Like, I'm sorry, just one second.
I gotta go to the restroom.
You know, in the middle of like present unwrapping
and I go into the restroom and I lose it.
I mean, I am very much in control of my emotions
and I lose it.
I'm like, I'm weeping.
Finally, my mom realizes I've been gone long enough
that something's wrong.
And so she comes in there and she says,
Ashley, I'm so sorry.
Of course, she knows, she knows what's going on.
That's really hard for me.
That was the beginning of my thing where I went into,
I went into suicidal mode.
In the end, two days later,
after two days after Christmas until the Lord has said,
apparently I don't know how to have a relationship with you.
So until I do, you know,
I'm just gonna do whatever it is that I wanna do.
And so everything was based off of that.
I wasn't married, I wasn't getting all of this stuff.
So it was that much of a recession
that caused my identity crisis,
honestly, truly, no joke.
It was a midlife identity crisis.
Maybe it wasn't midlife, but it was,
I promise you the dadgum same thing.
It was like the bottom fell out of my existence.
And it was as if I felt like I'd wasted my whole life
up to that point, because I was like 34, 35.
I was like, what have I been doing?
Does any of it even matter?
So I'm very grateful that the Lord helped me
through that time.
And so everything changed in me and I felt whole
and I no longer needed to be married
after I found my identity in the Lord.
Now it took a year and a half or a year.
How long did you think?
It took about six months before I was,
yeah, six months or a year
before things changed to the point
where I finally felt whole
and I no longer needed to be married.
I mean like, and I'd lived my whole life
needing to be married and I finally no longer needed it.
I tried to tell myself that in the past.
Oh yeah, I'm fine.
But this was truly, I no longer needed it.
It was not, it could no longer fill that need that I had
because it was already filled.
I really had my identity in the Lord.
So fast forward to the story that Renata was telling you.
I think that this was about like two years,
maybe a year, two, three, maybe three.
Maybe it's three years later.
I was, it's possible that it was four,
but we'll say like three or four years later.
I was, after my identity crisis in September, 2018,
it was, it was four years later
because it was September of 2022.
And I had just, or 2021, I forgot.
I was married in 2022.
So it's three years.
So September, 2021, I had thought that the Lord
wanted me to get married to someone.
I thought that the Lord, that there was someone
that the Lord had specifically for me,
meaning like a specific man that I knew of.
And I was like, I think that the Lord is telling me
I'm supposed to marry him, whatever.
So I just, I held onto that.
I thought that it was a promise from the Lord.
And so I thought, okay, well, I found him
and I'm just waiting now.
Well, after waiting for multiple years
and it didn't happen, okay, Lord, I'm tired.
I'm tired of this.
And so what happened is I began to let go of it
more and more.
And that's actually how the Lord taught me faith
is he taught me faith by going through this issue
where I thought that the Lord had promised me
something that wasn't happening.
And I kept waiting and just like the whole thing
of like, okay, well, maybe I'm just supposed to endure.
So I'm just gonna endure, you know?
And finally I told the Lord, I said, Lord,
this hurts so much.
And I said, I know what's going on.
Cause by that time I was already in the rest intensive
and immediately doing the rest intensive.
And I knew, I was like, I'm supposed to let go.
I've been like, God's taught me about this
in so many other areas of my life.
This is something I need to let go of,
but I didn't want to let go of the promise
that I thought God had made me that I was going to marry.
And so that's when that thing happened
where I'm laying there telling the Lord, okay,
I'm gonna release all of these signs that I thought
that you were, you had said that that was gonna happen.
And, you know, I'm just,
so I just released all of them one by one.
release, you know, I emotionally release you Lord from obligation, um, or in
disconnect myself from this sign that I thought that you gave where I thought
you were communicating something for me.
And I actually released myself from this emotionally release that.
And, um, And I no longer hold you obligated.
I no longer hold those as signs in front of you in accusation.
God, why aren't you fulfilling these things yet?
God, I release you from all of that.
So I did everything until I got to the promise and I'm like, okay,
apparently that's it.
And God says, no, I need you to release the promise that you, that, um, that I
made you meaning like, I thought that made me that that's who you're supposed
to marry.
And so it's like, God, that doesn't make any sense because I thought we were
supposed to hold on the promises that you said, duh, duh, duh.
And so aren't I supposed to hold on to that?
You know, and he said, no, actually you're supposed to hold on to me.
Not, not this promise that you're now, which is this gift that I gave you or
you thought that I gave you, you know, whatever.
And then, um, and hold that now an accusation against me saying that
apparently I'm not as good and as in who it is that I, that apparently I'm not
who I say that I am because this gift that I wanted to give you meaning like
this promise of like, Hey, I want to show you, you know, how good I am.
Look what I look, what I'm promising you.
Oh my word.
Lord, you'd be that good.
But you've now taken that and you're now using it against me instead of receiving
something of me that I wanted to offer you, which was myself and me being that
good, not in that thing happening.
But now you're focused on that thing happening instead of me being that good.
I'm not that good that he would do this, but just that good.
And then he's expressing it in this particular fashion.
That's what I mean by choosing that he's that good, that good, like, Oh, I get this.
No, he's as good as this expressed to you and your value system.
And so I released the promise.
And a few months later, um, I told the Lord, um, Ed had come and, uh, so a few
months later I've been traveling around the U S and I, I come down.
In fact, I just visited Priscilla and her family and everything and, and, um, in
Pennsylvania and, and so I had down the East coast, you know, a bit more.
And finally I get to close to Ed and he, and I hadn't seen each other in months,
probably six months or something like that.
And I said, Hey, you know, you need to come up and where I'm staying with a mutual
friend, you know, she has that she and her husband have a bed and breakfast.
She should come up and we'll all just all hang out and visit.
So he came up and he said that at that time he noticed there was something
different about me and that I caught his attention in a way that I hadn't before.
But he still wasn't.
From what I understand, he wasn't like attracted or interested particularly.
Um, I mean, like, yeah, enough for him to like notice or, or anything.
And, um, and also I was still closed off and that's something that he's always
told me, he said, cause I've asked him and said, well, you know, Ed, have you
ever been reinterested in me?
Because by that time we'd already known each other for a year, we'd been
friends and we'd hung out and we'd like literally live together as when we, when
we live with our friends, as we'd go from town to town, like we would stay in the
same Airbnbs, you know, you know, at a time.
So, um, were you ever interested?
And he said, he said, Ashley, I wasn't at the place to notice anyone.
And he said, plus he said immediately, whenever I kind of felt into that,
because he's, you know, just really prophetic, he said, I immediately was
just hit with this, basically this wall that you're closed, you know,
you weren't even open to it.
And the reason I I'm telling you all of this is I thought I was open.
I thought it was, Hey Lord, especially because I just released all this other
stuff open and I wasn't, I was still closed and he recognized that and he
could spiritually now he knew enough to be able to articulate that's what was
going on, but most people don't know that most people just go around just
reacting and don't realize that.
Oh, it's cause I felt they were closed.
I didn't feel an openness from her.
I thought they don't know that they're just all spiritually responding to
stuff or in there, you know, whether it's in the spirit or it's in the
metaphysical, you know, they're all just, we're all just responding
to stuff, but he knew what it was.
Then maybe you can articulate the time, but we'll know.
I think he could anyway, point is, and that weekend was different.
I was not interested in him.
In fact, I felt that he was interested in me and I thought, okay, I've
got to be careful with this.
Even though he says he wasn't, I thought that at the time, I thought that he was,
I thought that's what the science was me and I was like, okay, I've got to be
very careful and how I treat him, you know, not giving the wrong idea.
And so I, my point is I was not interested.
And he left it to go back to his, his place about an hour and a half away.
And I walked into my bedroom at that Airbnb and I stood there, I still remember, I mean,
you just put myself back there.
I stood there and I said, I said, Lord, I said, I know that I released so-and-so.
I said, however, and, and, and I said, Lord, and I feel completely whole.
I said, Lord, it's like a circle that is finally completely connected together.
And there's no point of penetration.
There's like no, there's no hole anywhere.
It's like completely full.
I said, that's how I feel, Lord, just with you and me, it's enough.
But what I'm struggling with, Lord, is I feel that what's inside the circle, me and my life
is not as enriched as it could be.
That's what I'm sensing.
I'm completely whole, but that I'm, there's some like empty space.
It's like my life is so much more compact, so much more in it.
There could be so much more richness in it that I'm allowing there to be.
So Lord, if you, and I said, I feel like you, that, that you are providing me with an opportunity
to be more enriched and I'm not taking advantage of it.
So Lord, I'm asking if there's any way in which I'm not, I'm, I don't remember exactly
how to phrase this moment, but something like, Lord, I'm asking that you would enrich my
life more and I'm finally, and Lord, that means that I don't get to decide what that
is.
I mean, sure we get to co-labor with the Lord and co-counsel and decide and be like, okay,
well, I think I'd like this.
I mean, there's that, but just in general, what I'm talking about is we have to let go
of the outcome.
We get to contribute on the co-counseling part of it, but not on what comes out of the
co-counsel.
We don't get, not that part.
We get to be part of like the creation, but we don't get to be part of, you know, it's
like a man and woman coming together.
The man initiates, but he can't create the baby on his own, you know, and he gives her
his peace and parcel of himself, which of course is God with his word, his peace and
parcel of himself.
And then the woman, though, in order to make a baby, the baby doesn't just come just because
the woman and just because the man initiates and gives her something.
She has to provide her own contribution, her egg, in order for there to actually be a conception.
And so it's the same thing with us and the Lord is, you know, God has initiated Steph
and I need, and we can co-counsel with him at the beginning.
We have a valuable contribution, but the outcome of the child, it's kind of similar
to think of it like, for one thing, if the sperm don't find the egg, no, it's all up
to the sperm.
That's one thing.
And then also though, you know, that a baby's gender is determined by, by the man's DNA
and whether it's a boy or girl.
So we kind of use that as like an example of like, it's the man still that determines
the outcome, whether he doesn't fall in control of it, it determines the outcome.
And so it's the same thing with the, between us and the Lord is the Lord determines the
outcome.
But at the beginning, we get to not only to counsel with him and can have a valuable contribution.
God's what God decides is what's going to ultimately is what we submit to.
And a lot of ultimately happen, but we get to be part of the, of the discussion.
And the woman nurtures the promise, you know, within her, not fully knowing what it is that
she has, but just evaluating it because of who it is that, you know, what it is she's
carrying, which is the fact that it's peace and prosperity of the one she loves.
And then she's fascinatingly responsible to, to nurture it to the point of, of birthing.
But the thing is that what actually is birthed is dependent on the Lord.
It's, it's, he gets to determine that outcome, but the part that we, the part that we have
a contribution in is the beginning and in nurturing it at the end.
But as far as like any kind of decision, we get to co-counsel with him, like providing
ideas, et cetera, but it needs to always be from the source of being like his character
or what, what like God, what is loving?
What is pure?
What is holy?
What is, you know, you know, full of joy and truth and righteousness and, and whatever.
And those need to be the things that we contribute to the co-counseling.
So anyway, so I told the Lord, I said, Lord, I, and, and we, and the woman has to make
her body available.
And so that's what I did with the Lord.
I was like, okay, Lord, I, I'm allowing you to.
give me what it is that you want. And my part in it, Lord, is I will receive it. Whatever you decide
needs to enrich my life, whether that be dating. And I mentioned that to him. So whether that be
dating or it needs to be, or you want it to be something else, Lord, I allow that to happen.
And I, and I will, I, and I told him, so Lord, I will actively take part. And I, in, in stepping
into those opportunities and I won't resist them anymore. I won't, I won't put conditions on it
of like, well, I wanted it to happen like this and I wanted it to be like this. And so that was
something that I had to do in order to be open. And, and so I just told him, so Lord, I'm finally
opening myself up and I'm just going to allow myself, yeah, allow whatever you want to happen
to happen, including to enrich my life, including dating. Lord, I'm finally open, but I couldn't
just want it to happen, Lord. Okay. What I'm talking about is I was, I finally opened it up
where I said, Lord, I'll no longer control it, but I'll actively participate. I'll actively
participate, but I'm giving up my control. That's a good one. That's a good order to put it. I'll
actively participate. This is mind blowing. Yeah. So anyway, are you, are you okay? Yeah, I was just,
I was, I guess I'm at my friend's, she's not here. Uh, I just saw my, my phone was at 20%. So I was
like, I hope she doesn't have a charger. If not, I have to like run down. Oh no. I think maybe,
maybe this is a charger. I'm like,
well, hopefully, hopefully it's going to be okay. Okay. Well also I've noticed that Zoom
still works fine if you turn it on a low battery mode. Oh, okay. I'll try. Like it doesn't change
the, um, it doesn't change the speed of Zoom or anything like that. It just takes out all
those background and things that are taking your battery power. Yeah. And so anyway, um, so I do
that sometimes when I get caught on, when I'm on these. And so anyway, sorry, I'm almost done. I
know that this is, say is a long story, but I try to include, Oh, I love it. It's, it's everything
that I need. Okay, good. So good. But, um, I feel that maybe one day the Lord's going to have me do
something like for a single woman, like share all of this stuff. And like, but, um, currently he's,
he doesn't usually allow me to share this, this story. I mean, so far he's let me share, you know,
one-on-one and stuff like that. But when people have wanted it, like in a group setting, he's,
he's not allowed me to do it. So I realized, okay, apparently there's not, it's not now the right
time. So anyway, I don't really know why. Um, it's probably more like he he's got more to show me,
but, um, in other words, it's just too early. Uh, but, uh, so, uh, I told the Lord that and,
and I felt, I felt more open. I was like, okay. And then I went to, um, I went to ed where ed was
cause I, and I, it was a last minute decision. I thought, Hey, I've got extra time before a
conference at the end of this, of this week in, in Florida. And I need to kill some time. Cause
that was on a Sunday that I prayed that prayer with the Lord and the conference in Jacksonville,
Florida was going to be on Saturday. And I thought, well, I have all this time to kill.
Um, and so why don't I go and just stay at the ministry that ed is at, which is morning star.
And then they have, you know, they're in a hotel, which of course it's where we ended up living,
you know, in one of the apartments there. But, um, so I thought, well, I'll just go,
I'll rent an apartment and I'm in an apartment, rent a room and, um, and just stay for a few days.
So I went and, um, uh, uh, the Lord just worked out some very interesting things.
Um, and there was, there was a guy there who's taking over for Rick Joyner who took over for
Rick Joyner, who took over the head of, who took over the ministry. His name is Chris Reed
and, and ed was supporting Chris. So we would have like dinners and stuff with,
with Chris because a conference was going on at morning star. This was not the conference in
Jacksonville, Florida. I was eventually going to go to, I ended up landing at morning star at
the time of this conference that ed was heading up. Well, uh, that, that Chris Reed was teaching.
So anyway, long story, they had these special dinners that were just with all the, the leadership
or all of the teachers or whoever for these conferences. And because ed was heading it up
and I was his friend, he invited me to these dinners. So I got to visit with people like
Chris Reed and whatever. And so Chris got to see the dynamic between ed and I. And one day,
um, a few days in, um, uh, by the, okay, well, I, I was about to tell you what Chris said that
I have to back it. So, you know,
No, I had just seen Ed a few days before, but this time when I saw him and we started
hanging out a bit, things changed pretty fast.
I started feeling differently about him.
I started seeing him differently and the same thing with him.
We were flirting.
We were feeling very, um, uh, like a little like self-conscious with each other and that
kind of thing.
And at the time I was like, what on earth is going on and why can't I stop acting like
this?
Um, I was so embarrassed and I just felt out of control and I'm just not, you know, I just
wasn't used to it.
I was 37, I think at the time, maybe 38 and I'm just, wasn't used to that kind of that,
uh, kind of the bumbling ness of something new.
And um, so, uh, so think of like what you go through in high school.
I was having to go through at like 38, it was very embarrassing, but, uh, I started
noticing a bit differently and he started acting a bit differently about around me than
he usually did.
And I thought, well, I don't know what's going on.
Well, Chris noticed it as well.
So I kept staying.
I kept like staying another day, staying another day and staying another day in because I wanted
to be around Ed more, I realized, um, and I, again, I wasn't used to feeling all of
these feelings.
Uh, but anyway, so Chris was sitting next to Ed one time at, at one of the, during one
of the conference sessions and leaned over to Ed and said, said, Hey, what's going on
between you and Ashley?
And it said, Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
She, you know, she's not interested.
And Chris said, I don't know about that, dude.
He's like, I'm real prophetic and you said, and I've never been wrong about this kind
of thing.
I'm telling you, it's like, Hmm, I don't know.
Well, maybe there is something because if, if this other random, I mean, this other person
who hasn't, doesn't know, you know, Ashley at all thinks that he's noticing something.
I wonder if something's there and I'm just ignoring it.
And so then he noticed that while I was there, he began to notice certain things about me
as a woman that he didn't think that he was allowed to notice because, you know, we were
friends, you know, started found my, found himself like being attracted to me in ways
he wasn't used to feeling, you know, about a woman, specifically me.
So it's like, I don't know if I'm allowed to feel this way.
And then especially because he'd been feeling that I was so closed, you know, uh, he didn't,
uh, he just kept like pushing it away because that had been our MO well after Chris said
that he told, he told the Lord, he's like, okay, Lord, if I don't like how my life is
going, in other words, he was like 48, I think.
And he, and I mean, not that he didn't like how his life was going, but if you wanted
something different out of life, you want to get married or whatever.
He said, if I decided that if I wanted something different, I was going to have to make a different
decision in life.
So I can't treat this situation like I normally wouldn't disregard it.
I'm going to have to make a different decision, do something differently.
So he decided to approach me about it.
We, um, we weren't able to visit, um, until like one, something in the morning because
his, uh, the lady that, that helped him, she kept trying to leave our conversation.
I found out later that it looked to us like she kept not getting the clue and leaving.
And she felt on her part that we weren't ever giving her the out to like politely leave.
So she felt like she was stuck and she kept trying to leave.
So it was pretty funny, but point is it was like one, something in the morning and Ed's
thinking, oh my word, you know, I've lost my chance, you know, because we were supposed
to have these hours for me to get to have an opportunity to visit with her and, you
know, ask her, Hey, this is what Chris said.
What do you think about it?
So he, we, he walks me back to my hotel room, which is like right around the corner from
his, his apartment.
And he's, and he tells the Lord, he's like, okay, it is now or never Lord.
So he said, Hey, we're about to part in the hallway.
And he said, so, Hey, you'll never guess what Chris told me today.
So he told me, and I was like, huh?
And I turn around, that's so something I would do as well.
I didn't, I like gave him like no response because I didn't know what to say.
Yeah.
And I was like, well, so I turned around and walked back to my apartment.
So my, my room.
So I went back to my room.
I sat on the edge of the bed.
I'm looking at the mirror and I said, Lord, I've never been in a situation before.
Do I like this?
Do I not like this?
Do I want to feel this way about Ed?
Do I not want to feel this way?
Do I want to go for this?
I want to go for this.
Is this a good idea?
Is this a bad idea?
This is not a bad idea.
You know, just going back and forth.
Well, Ed had gone into his apartment and told the Lord, Lord, while I drive and you saw
how she responded and she's leaving tomorrow morning.
And I'm probably not going to get a chance, you know, because of how the commerce, because
of how the conference goes.
And the fact that I'm in seeing it, I'm probably not going to get a chance to talk to her before
She like walks out at the conference and has to leave for Jacksonville, which by the way,
he'd set up an opportunity for me to stay with his mom while I was in Jacksonville.
I'd never met his mom.
And so this was going to be very different, but, and of course he and I weren't expecting
to date or be interested or whatever.
He just set that up.
And so anyway, the next morning, um, I, uh, I thought, okay, I think that he's waiting
for me to respond.
I think that he, that was him initiating and I'm supposed to, and he's just waiting for
me, my response.
So I asked him, I waited, um, and, uh, and knew I was going to be late to the meeting
in Jacksonville, but I was like, Hey, I've just, this is what I've got to do.
Um, I waited until the end of the conference so I could get to visit with Ed.
And then I asked Ed, Hey Ed, would you walk me to my car?
He's like, sure.
So he walks me to my car and I said, okay, so here's the deal, you know, and I tell him,
you know, and then, and then so long story short, we visited for two hours about all
the pros and cons and do we really want this?
Cause we had a lot of mutual friends I'd never dated before and here he was in this ministry
where everyone knew him and I didn't want to date in a fishbowl.
And when I never dated before, you know, it was all at this step and Rick Joyner was on
a bicycle doing some, it's an exercises doing his morning, his daily exercise and he kept
riding around the property and coming back to our part of the parking lot, you know,
again and again, we kept visiting there for two hours.
But, um, anyway, so that was the story and that's how we ended up.
So we decided to start dating.
That was October 30th of 2021.
So it was almost two years ago to the day at the end of this month.
And, uh, but anyway, so that's my story.
So that I, and, um, he also, so Ed realized, and this is something I hadn't mentioned.
Ed realized that, and I realized too, you know, he started to see me in a different
way and the way he was able to do that is because even though he'd seen me on Sunday,
by the time I went to visit him on Wednesday and Thursday, things were different because
finally he could see me because I had prayed the prayer after he'd left, you know, because
he drove off, you know, on Sunday and I went into my room and I just prayed again, not
thinking anything about it.
I'm just like, it just, I'm just like, Lord, I'm just sensing that this is something I
need to pray.
And because Ed's interested in me, but I'm not interested because that's what I thought
he's interested, but I'm not interested, but Lord, you know, I, I want to be, I want to
date someone, you know, someone out there.
So can you please make that happen?
Well, um, so between Sunday and, you know, when we saw each other on Wednesday, Thursday,
I'd prayed that prayer and now my walls were down.
So now not only could I finally see him, I couldn't see him on Sunday.
I could finally see him on Wednesday and Thursday and the same thing with him.
He couldn't see me and now he could.
And it was because my walls were down.
I had taken down a wall that I didn't think I had up.
I thought it was open.
I, because why?
Because I wanted it so badly.
So I thought that was open, but there were things in me that I was afraid of because
I couldn't control it because I was afraid of the potential disappointment, et cetera.
And, um, so all of those things were actually closing me off and shutting me down.
Um, because I was requiring God to be the one to overcome them.
Yeah.
I want this from you, but here's my condition.
I don't want to get hurt.
Or I want you to have him woo me in such a way that it overwhelms and overcomes, you
know, all of my, you know, all of my, uh, potential opposition with the call.
And that anyway, it, yeah, you know, the word I'm looking for.
The obstacle, no, yeah, no.
Yeah.
Anything I could throw in the way.
Yeah.
Um, and so Lord, you know, that's what I'm, that's what I want.
And the Lord's like, no, you have to be open.
And not only could I not see him because I wasn't open.
He couldn't see me until I dropped that.
And I no longer have those.
Um, I no longer had all of these requirements and restrictions between me and the Lord of
like, well, I want this, but it needs to fit this criteria and God's like, no, you have
to be open and you have to be willing to take that risk and you have to risk yourself on
my goodness.
Um, and you have to release the, um, release the outcome to me and allow me to do what
I want to do.
So anyway, that's the story.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for sharing. It's so helpful.
Like, I feel like that's what I need, like in all those areas
that I was talking about, just to know, Oh, I need to like
release some things. And then I mean, it's like a layer of an
onion, because it's like, you've talked about it before. But then
now I'm just getting it on a different level where I'm like,
ah, this is what I need to do. Because I think I feel like the
same. And that was really good. Like with the last session to
with accepting ourselves and forgiving ourselves, like I've
really been doing that with my body. And I see a change in
that. And then I was just as you were saying that I'm like, Oh,
yeah, I need to like, forgive myself for something that
happened at work, too. And I'm like, I wonder if that is just
like, up, basically one. So I have a friend that works there
that basically wanted me to start working there. And then I
don't like it. So that's like hard for her too. And she kind
of feels responsible. Like, so it's like, we're okay. But it's
like her boss and my boss, they've kind of like created
this, like, wishy washy position that I'm in. That just makes it
hard for both of us. But we're like, okay, we're gonna be okay
regardless. But anyways, I had been feeling for the last week
that something was off. And she hadn't been there. And I was
like, what's going on? And so finally, she talked to me on
Friday. And she was like, Hey, remember in the beginning, when
I told you that we have to like, stick together, and we have to
like, do these things and blah, blah, blah. I was like, Yeah,
she's like, Well, I've seen you've been frustrated, which I
have been because I've been like, on my last nerve with just
the court case and everything. So it has nothing to do with
her. Anyways, it's been like some issues with what's my
responsibilities and what's hers, and I've worded it and
anyways, she's she comes to me and she's like, Well, now we're
at the point where your your frustration has a consequence
for me. And I'm like, what, like what's going on? So basically,
they didn't give her full race. Because they've interpreted what
I've said that she's not sharing information and cooperating,
which is not what I've been meaning to say at all. And I'm
like, she's doing such a great job. And honestly, I just don't
feel like they're appreciating her at all. Anyways, because
but I was just like, Oh, man, so I've been like, beating myself
up. But now that you said it, I was like, Oh, I need to like,
forgive myself for that. Because I have been like, talking like,
it's like, Oh, I've been like, Oh, my gosh, like, God, I'm
there to be like a light and salt and to like, be your
cheerleader, and like, have her back. And now I've done like the
opposite, like, you have to help me make it right. And I'm like,
now that you're talking, I was like, and I need to forgive
myself for like, being in the state where I've been and like,
things being misunderstood, you know, like, yeah. So thanks for
that. Yeah. So just all that to say, like, I feel like a lot of
those things that you talked about last, last time, I've
really been able to like, incorporate and like, do
something with and what you're sharing now. I'm like, Oh, wow,
I'm really gonna run with this too. And like, yeah, there were
many things that were coming to mind that I was like, Oh, I need
to do this and this and this. And then just trust that I've
done it. You know what I mean? Like, yeah,
true. And that like, like Ed mentioned, at the end of the
this past session, when the last time he was talking is that
trust that the Lord is, is that when you that we're following
stuff that we know that the Lord has, basically, you know,
put in place, it's like, you know, this, of like forgiveness
and of letting go and the basically these principles, and
to trust that, by by obeying him, in other words, by
following them, by actually releasing things, that it's
that what he says will happen when we do that is actually
going to happen. And that we're actually letting those things
go. Yeah. Oh, I wonder if it worked. Trusting that worked
trusting that you did it trusting that meaning like that
you that you went through this process. And as opposed to Oh, I
hope I did it right. But rather, and, and as talked to me about
that multiple times, you know, where I've like struggled with
something like especially like I've gone through like a process
something with the Lord, and you'd be like, actually,
remember, he's like, you have got to, you've got to trust
that he said, actually, remember what you teach, you've got to
trust that God really is that good. Yeah, that he said that
that's how that that's what's going to happen. That's what
he's going to gift you. Then that he really is. In other
words, that if you
Choose to step into his freedom trust in that his freedom is really there and you stepped into it
Yeah, you know that he came through on his into the deal. Don't question whether or not it worked
Yeah, whether he came through on his and deal a lot of times
We tend to do it thinking that we're putting it on ourselves and like oh, I wonder if I did it
Right, but Ed was like no really we're questioning whether or not the Lord is coming through on his into the deal
And he's like you really do have to give it to the Lord saying Lord
I'm doing what I think that you're telling me to do how you're telling me to
To release it etc. The way that I think that you're telling me and so so Lord
I'm gonna trust that
Really did do that that I really freaked myself that I really did cut things off that I really did let go that I really
Did I really cut off the connections, you know, etc. And so it because Ed gets on to me
It didn't get on to me like in a bad way
But he like asked me to really think about actually how much responsibility are you taking on?
For doing things that God says that he's going to do God said he's going to free you
God says he's going to whatever he said you were just yours is just that act of participation
But he's the one who makes it happen. He's the one who does it
He's the one who set you free when you chose to let go and so and you choose that you really did
You really did let it go you did everything God taught you how to let go so you're okay Lord
I think is what you taught me. So therefore if I'm gonna follow it, I'm gonna choose that's where I look
But it actually let go, you know
Yeah
Yeah, that's so good because I'm just realizing so many things something like thinking I've let go and then I'm like
Oh, I'm actually still
Still trying. Oh, no
It went like ding ding ding
Oh
Control the outcome. But uh, yeah. Oh
I'm really excited. Um, yeah
Good. I'm really excited because it's like I've been feeling like oh, there's a change coming this fall
like I'm doing something so then I'm still like but then I still
Realize now that you're talking that off. I've made some sort of a
I've put some sort of thought into what that will look like and that's what I'm waiting to have. You know what I mean?
Yeah, correct. Yeah. Yeah, so
That's hard. I just have to like release it and be like, hey whenever that happened if it really even happens
You know like but I'm gonna choose that, you know, what's best, right? But then I can still talk to him about what I want
Yeah, let's be cool. But I'm not gonna hold you to that like yeah
Exactly. Yeah, because what it is that he promised us isn't that things will happen
But rather that he is and that we get to benefit from him being who he is
We get to benefit from all that freedom
We get to experience love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness general
As well as rest and you know, all of this other stuff and that we choose. Yeah, that's how I'm living
I'm living in that right now
So therefore and what we're talking about with the own your own your own myself is this whole aspect of therefore now
How shall I live?
Yeah, this if this is what if this is the reality that I've chosen I'm choosing to let all these things go
Okay, now apparently I'm living in love joy pieces
There's nothing in between me and that and therefore I'm I'm if God says that these are the benefits
Therefore I'm gonna choose that those are those are benefits. I'm living in. Yeah, therefore, that's my life
What kind of decisions do I want to make now?
What kind of a life do I want to you know now that I'm not having to make it based off of?
Expecting the gauntlet to drop or bad things to happen or you know
I'm that things that will bring me and fear and discomfort or coming on the bike. So yeah, that's so good
I was thinking that just this morning. I think it was there was like, oh, it's true
Like you want this breakthrough more than me? Yes. Yeah, I don't have to stress about it. Like you want this for ya
It's gonna happen. I just don't know what that's gonna look like but it's gonna happen
Yeah, correct, and he does it we just actively. Hey, yeah
Yeah, I think that's been my thing actively participate. I see my percentage is at eight and oh my goodness
If I die, it's like
Then you know, it's not I don't mean to be rude, but I'm just like
No, no, that's fine. It's good to visit with you Annette. Oh my gosh
Thank you so much for sharing like I'll be listening to this over and over again. It was so good to see you
Good. I love your makeup. Oh
Thank you. It looks so pretty
A knock a knockout
Thank you
Have a really great day. Thanks. Have a good night
Thank you
Bye.