WEBVTT

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Sorry, I was like sitting there, I'm like, Oh, no, did I have the wrong one or am I?

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I'm up at my friend's house.

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Just feeding her cat.

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So I was like, Okay, I'll just log on from here.

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And then I was like, Oh, maybe because I'm not on Wi Fi, but that shouldn't matter.

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And then you said it was a new link.

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So I was like, Oh, good.

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It wasn't me.

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Well, I forgot until I went into my zoom and it said you have got no upcoming meetings.

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I was like, Yes, I do realize, oh, I'd set up that link to go through, you know, last

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week.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I got sick.

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So that's why I decided to end.

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So it's like, Okay, just create a new one real quick and send it.

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Oh, good.

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How are you feeling?

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Better.

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I'm a bit, you know, as with is usual with COVID is, you know, just watch out.

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So I'm tired.

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I mean, it does with a knee sickness, but COVID is just kind of known for that.

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So anyway, so my energy isn't great, but it's a lot better, obviously, than it was.

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And so I managed to get a grocery store run in before our meeting.

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So that was good, because during me, during me being sick, my mother in law, so sweetly

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from Florida, ordered us Uber Eats, I mean, just randomly showed up at the door, like

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hot food.

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And then it was followed behind with another Uber Eats driver from a lot of Uber Eats that

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delivering Target groceries.

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So I was taking care of last week, but I needed some more this week, so I had to go

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out again.

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But yeah.

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Yeah.

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Oh, I'm glad people are taking care of you.

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So I know, it's really nice, because, you know, as you know, and, you know, just living

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alone when you're sick, I mean, if you need food, you got to do it, you know, yeah, you're

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the one who has to make it happen.

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And so since I've lived literally half of my life like that, and because I was, because,

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you know, I was, well, I'd say half, maybe not quite half, but I didn't get married until,

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you know, I was 39.

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So I was, I'm spent half my adulthood, you know, single.

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And I'm finally getting to enjoy, oh, so this is what it's like to live with someone.

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Somebody can get me groceries.

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I know.

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This is so nice.

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Is this how the other problems always lived?

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Anyway, that's been really nice.

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I've been, I'm slowly getting to like, see the other side that I've always thought about

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it.

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My, I was, Ed and I were in Houston, you know, a few weekends ago, well, maybe about a month

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ago now, something like that.

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And there was a lady that we were staying with, we were staying with her and her husband.

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And she said, oh, well, my, my daughter is about, no, her daughter wasn't my age.

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I told her how old I was when Ed and I got married and that we'd only been married for

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like 15 months.

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And the, and how old I was, like I said, when we got married and she said, oh, wow, really?

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She said, well, my daughter is 30.

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I think she said 32 or something like that and is really struggling.

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So to hear that you got married, you know, at 38 or 39, 39, I was 38 or 39 now, and you

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got married at 38.

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She said, that's going to give her a lot of hope, especially because I told her that I'd

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never dated anyone.

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And I mean, technically I've gone on several dates with like different guys, but like none

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of them, I would call boyfriend.

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Like I wasn't.

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Yeah.

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I wasn't dating any of them, you know, and, and, and I told her, I said, yeah.

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I said, just to encourage her, cause I hadn't met her at the time, the daughter at the time.

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And I did like a couple of days later, but I said, just to encourage her, I said, you

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just let her know that it really is as hard as she feels that it is.

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I said, you know, I always wondered if I just was kind of living in some kind of a victim

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mentality because I just felt that being single was so hard in society and that society

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was just societal norms and events were built around that, you know, families and couples

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and whatever.

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And I kept thinking that, well, you know, sure, that makes sense, but I bet you that

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I'm just making it harder than it really is.

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And I'm just looking at it with victim mentality because I want something different from my

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life and whatever.

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And I said, I told her though, I told her, I said, you know, when I got married though,

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I said, all those struggles.

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rules that I had dealt with, they changed, meaning like what I really thought was happening

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really had been happening.

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And then my life really did change in the way I wanted to when I got married, meaning

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like socially, like, like it was like at parties or, or making friends or getting to know people

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or that people feel more comfortable walking up to you when you're near.

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I said, I noticed, I said, I have not been married long.

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And I said, I noticed immediately, as soon as I got married, everything changed.

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Yeah.

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So I realized then that it really had been as hard as I thought that it was, and that

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it wasn't me being hard on myself or being, being too hard on myself, or it wasn't a victim

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mentality.

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It was me struggling with the reality of things are set up.

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And I understand why it's working like that, but anyway, so I just thought about that just,

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just now.

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So if there's any encouragement at all, that it, that to know that if it really, when it

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feels hard, you know, for all of the reasons, like I mentioned, you know, for society, you're

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like, maybe, maybe it's, maybe it sounds to me though, that you have easier time making

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friends than I did.

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And, and a better, and it's easier for you to like, that you do a better job of like

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networking and, and building relationships than I did.

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But if you ever do find it hard and feel like there's there, there's a bubble, it's because

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there is.

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Yeah.

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I discovered it.

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I live both sides now.

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And I'm like, although there's a bubble, I was treated differently on either side of

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the bubble.

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Yeah.

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I just know, I mean, it's not hard on yourself.

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Yeah.

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No, it's real.

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I mean, God's been really good to me all the time.

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Like even I feel like he's given me new friends groups, like whenever, but what's been sad

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is that I'll have these close friends and then they all get married and then I get new

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friends.

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So I like taking care of it's like, but then they get married and then I get new friends.

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So I was like, okay, well, people think I'm younger, so that's nice.

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But still, I'm like, but I'm not, you know, I'm like, no, I'm like, so people get shocked

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when they hear how old I am.

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And then they're like, Oh, no, we were not thinking that.

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And I'm like, I can't.

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At one point, I'm like, it has to change.

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Because it's like, I mean, now I love the community where I am, you know, but it's also

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it's different.

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It's like, most of them obviously are pre Christians, you know, so that's a different

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thing.

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And I like how you word that, pre Christians.

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And then it's like, I mean, the youngest ones are like, 27.

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So I'm like, and I'm like, well, I like almost could be your mom.

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You know, but like, most Yeah, but most of them are like, 36, 37.

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And one is like 40.

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But still, it's like, yeah, 3036 is still like, you know, now I'm like, Oh, why did

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I stress when I was like, 35?

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You know?

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But yeah, it is interesting.

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And I was so I'm like, Oh, I'm always being taken care of.

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So I feel fine.

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That's great.

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But at the same time, it's like, obviously, when it's like planning vacations, like New

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Year's coming up, like Easter, like all of those things, like I just miss having somebody

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to plan that with.

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So it's like, you're not at the mercy of somebody else that's doing the same thing.

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But people are super nice and being in, you know, including me, but I'm like, and that's

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awesome.

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And I feel like whether you're 36 or 44, it's not like super huge difference.

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But then again, it is, you know.

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So I have been I was thinking the other day, I was like, Whoa, if I was like me as a man,

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I'd be like a catch.

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You know, not married, no kids, like 44.

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Not too bad looking, like, okay, looking like, have your have your own job, have money, never

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been married, no kids, like, I mean, you'd be fighting girls.

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Very true.

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Very true.

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And I'm like, well, who decided it was different with girls?

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I've never thought that, but I just thought that the other day, I was like, Oh, that's

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really interesting.

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Like, why did I think that?

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But then I'm like, it's true.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Correct.

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It's like we have an expiry date.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I know that it's interesting.

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I never thought of it quite in those words.

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Like, I was never able to articulate it.

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But that idea was there of like, of kids.

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I've never been one to do the whole, like do a lot of comparison between men and women

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and you has it worse than whatever, because I was hearing so much about the feminine stuff

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and feminism and feminism and whatever.

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And it's just like, Oh, I don't want to be like that.

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And so I really and the way that I grew up, you know, women were always cherished.

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And so I always felt it was such a privilege to be a woman, because we were just like covered

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and taken care of.

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And so growing up, I never, I never had any different kind of an experience, but I mean,

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like a difficult experience.

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So I wasn't, I didn't feel exposed to the challenges like that until or I didn't recognize

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them about the difference between men and women until I hit until I was in at a large

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corporation few several years ago now, I guess it didn't feel like that long ago, but years

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ago now.

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And, and someone told me that the reason I was having trouble with someone, a gentleman

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is because he was, he had an issue with women.

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It was like, I don't think so.

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I don't think that's right.

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And like, no, Ashley, it's true.

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And when I had intelligent people that I respected, and I had multiple of them watch the situation

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and say, no, actually, we're telling you, we're watching the dynamic between the two

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of you.

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And we're telling you, that's what's going on.

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Then I'll open my eyes to, oh, wow.

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So that really does exist outside of like, you know, some political, you know, agenda,

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it really is a thing out there somewhere.

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So anyway, my point in saying that is, it opened my eyes to realize that there really

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are some differences that I hadn't given allowance to, because I hadn't really felt,

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I hadn't felt the pain of the difference.

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And that there is a difference that I noticed between single men and single women.

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And sometimes how hard, how much harder it can be for women, and single women in society

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than single men.

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Like you said, it's like there's an expiration date, while for a man, it's like, the more

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he matures, the better it gets.

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From a societal perspective.

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So anyway, I just think all of this is just rather, I don't know, just rather interesting.

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Yeah, it is super interesting.

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Yeah.

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It's like, things to reflect on, because it's just like, I was never even thinking about

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that until I think I was like, 35, 36.

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About that was the first time I was like, starting thinking like, hmm.

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Well, what about kids?

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Like, do I want them?

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Do I would I want it?

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Like, do I enjoy it?

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You know, because then, yeah, friends of mine were starting talking about having kids by

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themselves.

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And I was like, No, like, please don't, you know, like, I had so many discussions, thankfully

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none of them have, they all found guys, but like, thank goodness.

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But um, yeah, but then I was like, Oh, I wonder how much is like something you want, or something

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that's just expected of society, or what is like, protection, because maybe you won't

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have it.

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And you're like, Oh, maybe I don't like, those are like, things that I'm just like, reflecting

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on, you know, where it's like, because I think so many of the younger people around me are

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like, I don't even know if I want kids, you know, a lot of them, like a new thing, you

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know, yeah.

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Most of them actually are like, they're either like, I don't want it, or they're like, I

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don't know if I want.

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Yeah.

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It's been challenging me on a past few, I don't know, well, I don't know, maybe a year

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or so of whether what it is that I want, is something that I really want, or that I just

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learned really early on, was something I'm supposed to want.

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Yeah.

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So I adopted it.

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And because it was so early on, like, say, for instance, I was in elementary school.

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Yeah.

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And I haven't known, and I'm almost 40 now.

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And so it's, it's been my whole life, essentially.

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And so I just thought, I thought that was me.

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And so it's really caused me to, it's really challenged my perspective of things.

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And I, it's something I never thought of before, because it's very easy to distinguish, and

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this falls in line with what I'll be teaching about when I get the teaching sessions out

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this week.

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It's very easy to distinguish between what some, the fact that we feel that, that society

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is pushing something on us that we don't want, versus something we really do want for ourselves.

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That's easy to distinguish.

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But what's hard is when you think that you want something, and, and, and trying to discern

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between all the things that you want, what do you really want?

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And what do you want because you think society, because, because you think it's going to get

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you something in society that you wanted, you thought it was going to get you attention

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or you thought it was going to get you make you valued, seen as a value, valued contributor.

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And there's this underlying reason that we don't realize creates is the foundation for

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wanting this.

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And we just think it's this that we want, and really it's what we think this will get

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us.

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And we don't realize that we just think we've just wanted it for so long.

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Yeah.

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We interpreted getting this by getting this so long that we just think, well, this is

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what I want.

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So anyway, it, it, I'm telling you what, it's just like really been a challenge for a challenge

258
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for me, meaning like it's, it's caused me to have to stop and think about things that

259
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I never thought that I'd need to think about and really question.

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So who am I?

261
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And what is it that I really want?

262
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What do I want to pursue?

263
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What do I want to build?

264
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But yeah, I have.

265
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And so anyway, that's been something that I've been thinking about, you know, for a

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year, but particularly this summer, you know, it's the worst, a lot of healing in me and

267
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whatever.

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And, and as it's more and more time goes on and I set more and more into my own, you know,

269
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I own myself more with between me and the Lord.

270
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So anyway, so how have you been?

271
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Yeah, this is, this is good.

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I've been, I don't know, I kind of feel like I'm in a vacuum almost, like I actually wrote

273
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my doctor last week, just like to set up an appointment, the earliest ship was next week.

274
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So I'll go there, but it's mainly because I could just feel like my heart has been like

275
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racing and like, I could get numb in my, you know, my lips.

276
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And I was like, and I'm like, Oh, it's probably just like, it's very like symptomatic, I feel

277
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like of stress over time.

278
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So I think now as I'm just like, I just said the final stretch of waiting, it's like, I

279
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feel fine.

280
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But then I'm like, Okay, my body is not, you know, my body is trying to tell me, you know,

281
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to like, chill.

282
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So I'll see when I go see her.

283
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I just wanted to like rule out that anything is like, because I feel like it's not but

284
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I'm like, it's just good to do.

285
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And then, um, yeah, um, so I think I'm still kind of I'm, I feel like I'm learning more

286
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to just trust that God is in control, like with everything, whether it's the court case

287
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or meeting someone or getting a new job or things like this.

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I feel I feel peaceful.

289
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And I'm like, Oh, I feel like there's something coming.

290
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I just can't pinpoint it, you know.

291
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And it just part of me feels like I just have to wait.

292
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And then and then I think part of me is just thinking which is interesting, why was that

293
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we started this conversation earlier is because I think Renata had mentioned to me that you

294
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had talked to her about something you did.

295
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And then like a week after, like, Ed asked you out or something.

296
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So I think that's where I am, like, where am I in like, resting and where I am, and

297
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then actively pursuing something or like doing something.

298
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I see.

299
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You know, like, so I feel like that's where I am.

300
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Because right now I'm like, Oh, I feel peaceful with the court case.

301
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But obviously, my body is still reacting.

302
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So I'm like, should I be doing something there, you know, and it's like everything

303
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happening in Israel, and then people are like, and I'm like, I understand people are freaking

304
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out.

305
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And then I, I understand how my mindset has changed.

306
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So I'm like, No, we carry peace, like, we have to release that we have to like, from

307
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the spirit, like, release that and pray for it and, like, pray from that sense and not

308
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be caught up in the whirlwind of fear, you know.

309
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So there, I feel like, because it's not affecting people, of course, but not like personally,

310
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I mean, I have people that I know that are but like, then it's easier to see, oh, I need

311
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to get up on a spirit level and pray from there and decree from there and like release

312
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them.

313
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Yeah.

314
00:19:25.120 --> 00:19:30.760
But I don't really know how to do that in my own life, whether it comes like what you

315
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said, like with the court case, or meeting someone or like the job or whatever.

316
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So because like, with the weight, I'm still like, embracing my body, thanking it and doing

317
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all of these things.

318
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And, and now I've been wanting to eat like more healthy, so I feel more free around food,

319
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you know, I'm just like, learning to like, yeah, do things, I feel more freedom in that.

320
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So I'm like, Oh, I feel like, well, whenever.

321
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things is gonna happen it's gonna happen, you know, but then I I'm not sure if I'm cuz I feel fine around it

322
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And then I think maybe I have a fear that oh, do I feel too fine?

323
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Should I be doing something else? You know, I think that is the general in all of those things whether it's like I

324
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Feel fine being single because I'm so well taken care of but obviously I'd love to meet someone should I do something else?

325
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You know, like is there something that I'm blocking or have I been?

326
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Disappointed like what we're talking like when I said with the kids things it's like, oh do I even want it?

327
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I don't really know

328
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Or have I just gotten there because I think that's gone, you know, like or at some point

329
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It's just like even if it's physically possible. I'm like, would you even want to it a certain age?

330
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You know what? I mean? Like I think those things are what I'm

331
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just pondering but it doesn't feel like

332
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But it doesn't feel like

333
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Struggles in that sense like it doesn't bother me

334
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How maybe it used to before where I would like go and think about it and be anxious and like yeah

335
00:21:08.520 --> 00:21:13.280
I have to do this and this and this and this like I feel relaxed, but I'm just like hmm

336
00:21:13.520 --> 00:21:19.160
Still feel like I should practically like be doing something. Yeah. Yeah, but that makes sense. And

337
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:23.200
so we'll be talking more more about that and

338
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You know at the end of the week

339
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About because the first thing we'll be talking about is the knowing ourselves

340
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So that we can know God and so, you know that the last one was, you know accepting ourselves, you know, be me Lord

341
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You know fooling me just however it is that I am fully accept myself and whatever and then forgive let go whatnot

342
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and then this next one is going to be about and

343
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Knowing like who it is that we really are like what we've been talking, you know in this conversation is what are what do I?

344
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Really feel what do I really want?

345
00:22:00.080 --> 00:22:05.360
Yeah, and not even necessarily just thought not even all the all the positives

346
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but also the negatives as well because now usually what's happened is we've

347
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we're so focused on the negative and we don't want to feel the negative that we've shut all of our

348
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Emotions down to the point or cycle them all to the point where we don't feel the positive ones as much either and we're afraid

349
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We think that wanting anything just just can lead to disappointment

350
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So again, we make all of our decisions based on what it is. We don't want to happen in the future

351
00:22:31.840 --> 00:22:38.480
So we're gonna be talking about that about like who it is that we really are and the last one is going to be called

352
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You know own myself, which is about okay. Well now that I'm you know, fully accepting myself as I am

353
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You know regardless of what that means regardless what that means that I find that's negative within me meaning like the negative parts

354
00:22:52.760 --> 00:22:59.840
Parts of myself that view things negatively that view things and if you things in anger, whatever and then okay

355
00:22:59.840 --> 00:23:04.920
So now that I'm I allowed myself to be a safe place for myself now allow all those feelings to come up

356
00:23:05.360 --> 00:23:08.880
You know, what? What are the evidence themselves at in the end?

357
00:23:09.440 --> 00:23:13.760
What do you do with them? And that's the last one is owning ourselves. So what do you actually do?

358
00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:18.760
I can like start the conversation about all of that

359
00:23:19.320 --> 00:23:20.800
from

360
00:23:20.800 --> 00:23:22.800
telling you the story of

361
00:23:23.920 --> 00:23:26.480
You know Ed and I and I meant to do this

362
00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:32.400
I think it was the very first session and then I just I just forgot it was at the end of my notes and then

363
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:35.880
I realized later that I thought I'd gotten to the end of my notes

364
00:23:35.880 --> 00:23:39.520
So I finished the session and then after I got off the session like an hour or two later

365
00:23:39.520 --> 00:23:41.840
I looked at him. I was like wait a minute. There's this whole section

366
00:23:42.840 --> 00:23:46.480
And in it was the story about like at a nice so

367
00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:53.400
What had happened was I had been very and the Lord's gonna have to remind me

368
00:23:54.720 --> 00:23:59.040
the whole story that I had but basically the thing is that

369
00:23:59.680 --> 00:24:04.120
Being single like everything it is that I went through because I it was basically

370
00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:10.800
Kind of the focus of my life for the majority of my life was getting married ever since I was six years old

371
00:24:10.800 --> 00:24:12.720
I would hold this little baby

372
00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:17.560
It was a it was a baby doll and I remember about six years old

373
00:24:17.560 --> 00:24:21.920
I remember exactly where it is that I was and I was I was playing with my doll and

374
00:24:22.120 --> 00:24:25.840
Putting her in the cradle and all of a sudden I realized wait a minute

375
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:31.720
One day since I'm a girl. I'm gonna in girls grow up to be you know, big girls

376
00:24:31.720 --> 00:24:37.840
You know that are called women that are moms then it means that I'm gonna have my own one day

377
00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:44.280
And so I'm gonna have a real baby not a baby doll, you know, I'm gonna be like one of those oh wow and

378
00:24:45.240 --> 00:24:49.200
So from that point on I just thought again talking about societal norms

379
00:24:49.360 --> 00:24:54.200
What do you want versus what do you think it's expected is I just thought oh, that's you know

380
00:24:54.200 --> 00:24:59.880
I just thought well, that's what I'm supposed to want. That'll get me credibility in society. It'll give me like value

381
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:06.640
because the people that I grew up around greatly valued a woman for how she expressed herself as

382
00:25:06.640 --> 00:25:12.000
a wife and as a mom. And then a lot of them were like, Oh, that was big time that homeschooling

383
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:17.840
was starting to come up. So everything revolved in my life revolved around, and we were homeschooled

384
00:25:17.840 --> 00:25:24.320
everything in my life that I, of what I watched women do revolved around them taking all of this

385
00:25:24.320 --> 00:25:29.200
stuff to potlucks and then doing Bible studies and then cooking and then cleaning and then going to

386
00:25:29.200 --> 00:25:34.000
the grocery store and then, you know, doing the, um, taking care of kids. And so I thought that is

387
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:37.600
my future and that's my life. That's what's expected of me. And what enables all those

388
00:25:37.600 --> 00:25:42.480
things to happen? You have to get married. Yeah. Not to mention the fact that if I felt that if I

389
00:25:42.480 --> 00:25:46.800
got married, I'd finally be fully accepted by someone because I struggled with that growing

390
00:25:46.800 --> 00:25:50.880
up feeling fully accepted for who it is that I was. And I thought, well, these other people

391
00:25:50.880 --> 00:25:54.880
that are just, they just have to be around me because they're my family. But when I get,

392
00:25:54.880 --> 00:26:00.080
but when I'm grown, that person has to choose me. So it must be real. It must be genuine and

393
00:26:00.080 --> 00:26:06.400
whatever. So it became this whole focus of this is what I need in order to make all these other

394
00:26:06.400 --> 00:26:13.520
things happen, which of course meant that it was, that was what I was, uh, founding my identity and

395
00:26:13.520 --> 00:26:21.120
I was founding my identity and whether in, in that as a woman, I had to check all of these boxes off.

396
00:26:21.120 --> 00:26:26.320
And the only thing that would allow me to do that is if I had a man in my life that

397
00:26:26.320 --> 00:26:32.080
enabled me to do that, because that's way I thought that society was set up to only allow

398
00:26:32.080 --> 00:26:35.920
it to happen. You know, that was only, that was going to give me what it is that I wanted, which

399
00:26:35.920 --> 00:26:42.080
was feeling like I was considered credible as a woman and that I had a value contribution to

400
00:26:42.080 --> 00:26:46.640
society, you know, and that I would be included and all of that kind of stuff would be included

401
00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:54.720
in like relationships, uh, you know, societal relationships, whatever. So it, again, like what

402
00:26:54.720 --> 00:26:59.440
we were talking about before, where it's like, this is what you really want, but you build all

403
00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:04.000
of these things on top of it that you think get you this. And then you start focusing just on

404
00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:09.440
these and you forget that that's why you created the desire in the first place. And you just think,

405
00:27:09.440 --> 00:27:13.520
I just, I just want to get married. I just want to get married. That's all. And it was just,

406
00:27:13.520 --> 00:27:19.920
it was just my sole focus. Um, because again, I, the, the, you know, deep down, I was basing my

407
00:27:19.920 --> 00:27:26.320
sense of identity and value in that. And that's why I wanted so desperately. It became an obsession.

408
00:27:26.960 --> 00:27:32.320
Uh, no, I was not one of those people that like flirted or I was trying to put myself in

409
00:27:32.320 --> 00:27:37.680
guys' ways and acted desperate for me. It was very much the opposite. I was very hard to get.

410
00:27:37.680 --> 00:27:43.120
I wasn't trying to play hard to get going, sweetie. I know it's a, it's a honeybee.

411
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:50.240
Um, uh, I wasn't trying to play hard to get. It was just that I also knew that, well, no,

412
00:27:50.240 --> 00:27:53.680
you're supposed to do things the right way. And there's rules, there's boundaries. And I was just

413
00:27:53.680 --> 00:27:58.720
very strict. So I handled every aspect of my life that way, including this whole, like getting

414
00:27:58.720 --> 00:28:06.320
married, finding someone, et cetera. So what ended up happening is, um, I, I wasn't getting asked out.

415
00:28:07.040 --> 00:28:11.920
I, um, you know, wasn't being pursued or the guys that were pursuing me were the really

416
00:28:12.960 --> 00:28:18.000
socially awkward guys that, because I was nice to everybody and they weren't used to being,

417
00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:23.360
you know, treated nicely. And so therefore, you know, they, they cling to, you know,

418
00:28:23.360 --> 00:28:27.680
my cousin is the one, my cousin's a guy. And he had to explain that to me in college.

419
00:28:27.680 --> 00:28:32.640
One time I was like, why do all of these weird guys, you know, why are they the ones, only ones

420
00:28:32.640 --> 00:28:35.440
that are pursuing me? And he said, actually, because you're nice to them and no one else.

421
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:41.760
And I was like, it's a horrible reason. Everyone should be nice to them. And, you know, anyway,

422
00:28:41.760 --> 00:28:48.240
so I was very frustrated by that. Well, um, you know, just the pain just increased again, again,

423
00:28:48.240 --> 00:28:53.600
just over and over and over again, you know, throughout the years, uh, with, uh, because I

424
00:28:53.600 --> 00:28:59.600
tried as much as possible to make my life as normal and be as much a part of society as I could.

425
00:28:59.600 --> 00:29:04.240
So, okay. I'm going to, not only am I going to go to all the baby showers and all of the,

426
00:29:04.240 --> 00:29:09.920
the laundry showers and bridal showers and the weddings and, you know, help brides shop for this

427
00:29:09.920 --> 00:29:15.440
and do that. Not only am I going to do that, I'm going to like go the extra mile and be really

428
00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:23.680
involved in, I'm going to squelch this, this pain inside of me and not be selfish and focus on all

429
00:29:23.680 --> 00:29:31.200
of them by hosting all of these things. So I would, I, I was in, um, I would help with so

430
00:29:31.200 --> 00:29:35.520
many different weddings going to the absolute nth degree. In fact, the very first wedding I was in,

431
00:29:36.240 --> 00:29:43.360
I was the wedding coordinator and I did the makeup for the bride and I was the maid of honor.

432
00:29:43.360 --> 00:29:48.560
And it was the very first one I'd ever been in. Oh, no, it was worse than that. It was also the

433
00:29:48.560 --> 00:29:54.960
day before I graduated from college and I was struggling with mono and didn't know it,

434
00:29:54.960 --> 00:29:59.840
it hadn't been caught. And, but, and it was my last semester of college.

435
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.160
And I was trying to graduate with, uh, I was trying to graduate summa cum laude.

436
00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:07.680
So it was pushing all of my grades that's that semester.

437
00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:10.960
And I was exercising and I was running up to six miles a day,

438
00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:15.280
all while struggling with mono planning a wedding that I'd never planned before.

439
00:30:16.320 --> 00:30:16.960
It was crazy.

440
00:30:19.120 --> 00:30:22.960
And so when I say that I push hard, I push hard.

441
00:30:22.960 --> 00:30:27.360
And I'm always thinking I'm the problem and I just need to push harder.

442
00:30:27.360 --> 00:30:28.400
I need to do more.

443
00:30:28.960 --> 00:30:31.600
I need to, um, so that's why I did all these things.

444
00:30:31.600 --> 00:30:37.920
Like I hosted things and I would, if I, cause my tendency was if I felt pain,

445
00:30:37.920 --> 00:30:39.840
I would push harder into it.

446
00:30:39.840 --> 00:30:44.480
So if I felt pain from being single, I was going to find all of the ways that all of

447
00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:46.160
the things that I wanted to avoid doing.

448
00:30:46.160 --> 00:30:50.400
And I was going to run at, run at them full steam and do them with excellence.

449
00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:57.040
And, um, anyway, so I just created lots and lots of pain for myself though.

450
00:30:57.280 --> 00:31:01.120
But y'all heard that before that the way that I thought that life was,

451
00:31:01.120 --> 00:31:03.920
is that whatever it is that I wanted was bad.

452
00:31:03.920 --> 00:31:07.520
And whatever it is that God, what I didn't want must be God.

453
00:31:07.520 --> 00:31:09.360
So I didn't do anything I wanted to do.

454
00:31:09.360 --> 00:31:11.280
And I always did everything I didn't want to do.

455
00:31:12.640 --> 00:31:15.840
And so here's perfect example and story of all of that.

456
00:31:15.840 --> 00:31:18.720
So point in telling you all this detail is.

457
00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:21.680
It was not all I wanted to paint this picture.

458
00:31:21.680 --> 00:31:23.920
Like it was literally my whole life.

459
00:31:23.920 --> 00:31:26.560
It was, I mean, other than the fact that I worked for a living.

460
00:31:26.560 --> 00:31:29.920
And I didn't have many, you know, friendships and relationships.

461
00:31:29.920 --> 00:31:34.560
I mean, I had, you know, I had friends and whatever, but I tend to have fewer closer

462
00:31:34.560 --> 00:31:34.880
friends.

463
00:31:36.560 --> 00:31:40.560
And so my life was just focused on work and the fact that I was single and I didn't want

464
00:31:40.560 --> 00:31:43.200
to be single anymore, but was I doing anything about it?

465
00:31:43.200 --> 00:31:43.840
No.

466
00:31:43.840 --> 00:31:46.320
I mean, I was, I was going to work and I was going to church.

467
00:31:46.960 --> 00:31:48.320
I mean, what did they expect me to do?

468
00:31:48.320 --> 00:31:48.960
Go to bars.

469
00:31:48.960 --> 00:31:50.240
I mean, that just wasn't me.

470
00:31:50.240 --> 00:31:52.720
Now, maybe you do that and other people do that.

471
00:31:52.720 --> 00:31:54.960
And if I look back on it, I wish I had.

472
00:31:55.760 --> 00:31:56.640
But I didn't.

473
00:31:56.640 --> 00:31:58.880
I mean, I don't wish I'd gone to like clubs and stuff.

474
00:31:58.880 --> 00:32:04.400
That's just not my personality, but I do wish that I'd had more of a healthy perspective

475
00:32:04.400 --> 00:32:10.720
of like, and a healthy exposure to just society outside of.

476
00:32:11.600 --> 00:32:15.920
Outside of strictly church and work, like even like sports clubs or whatever.

477
00:32:15.920 --> 00:32:16.640
And I just didn't.

478
00:32:18.640 --> 00:32:24.880
So point is my, the pain that I went through was very, very, very intense.

479
00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:26.960
And I was just very, very hard on myself.

480
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:29.440
And I created a very difficult life for myself.

481
00:32:30.560 --> 00:32:34.560
But all this time, I thought I wanted it really, really badly.

482
00:32:34.560 --> 00:32:35.440
And I was desperate.

483
00:32:35.440 --> 00:32:37.120
So I would just cry out to the Lord.

484
00:32:38.000 --> 00:32:42.480
And this is part of how I've learned, not just this one situation, but other situations

485
00:32:42.480 --> 00:32:47.680
as well, that desperation does not, it doesn't hold a currency with the Lord.

486
00:32:48.800 --> 00:32:53.200
We can want something really, really, really badly, but that doesn't mean that God's just

487
00:32:53.200 --> 00:32:56.560
like, Oh yeah, I've just been wanting you to want it really badly.

488
00:32:56.560 --> 00:32:57.680
And now I'll give it to you.

489
00:32:57.680 --> 00:32:59.520
He's like, no, that's not what we're going for.

490
00:32:59.520 --> 00:33:01.360
He's like, I'm wanting you to trust me.

491
00:33:01.360 --> 00:33:03.440
I'm wanting you to choose me.

492
00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:07.600
And the desperation can lead you to the point where you finally let go of everything,

493
00:33:07.600 --> 00:33:09.280
including the desperation.

494
00:33:09.280 --> 00:33:12.640
But the desperation itself can't come into the kingdom and can't.

495
00:33:12.640 --> 00:33:17.280
And something so negative is not what will push you into the kingdom.

496
00:33:17.280 --> 00:33:19.040
Only good things will push you into the kingdom.

497
00:33:19.040 --> 00:33:22.080
So, you know, to experience good things in the kingdom.

498
00:33:22.080 --> 00:33:23.600
So anyway, I was extremely desperate.

499
00:33:23.600 --> 00:33:25.440
So my point is, I thought I was open.

500
00:33:26.880 --> 00:33:30.000
And this, you know, eventually leads to the story, you know, that Renata was telling you,

501
00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.160
I thought I was open, but I wasn't, I was very closed off.

502
00:33:34.720 --> 00:33:37.760
And part of it is, I didn't expect to be accepted.

503
00:33:37.760 --> 00:33:41.360
I expected to be rejected and I didn't expect God to give me good things.

504
00:33:41.360 --> 00:33:42.960
I expected to be disappointed.

505
00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:51.040
I expected that it would, that if that, that to find a relationship was going to take a very

506
00:33:51.040 --> 00:33:54.960
long time, because I thought that's who God was because God just made things hard.

507
00:33:55.600 --> 00:33:56.400
That's what I thought.

508
00:33:57.440 --> 00:34:00.560
And that the road to it was going to be very challenging.

509
00:34:00.560 --> 00:34:01.920
It was going to be very difficult.

510
00:34:01.920 --> 00:34:08.239
And, and God was just going to like, see how long that I would last and how many things

511
00:34:08.239 --> 00:34:09.280
he could throw at me.

512
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:12.159
And without me like completely breaking.

513
00:34:13.199 --> 00:34:15.120
And that if I broke, I would lose it.

514
00:34:15.120 --> 00:34:16.639
I would lose my opportunity.

515
00:34:16.639 --> 00:34:22.080
And so my only chance in getting it was to lasting, it was to last and endure as long

516
00:34:22.080 --> 00:34:25.840
as he threw things at me or he put obstacles in my way or whatever.

517
00:34:26.480 --> 00:34:34.639
And I've changed so much in my understanding of the Lord that to me, it's wild to vocalize

518
00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:35.600
these things.

519
00:34:35.600 --> 00:34:41.120
But back then, that is literally how that I was in that much of a sewage in my, in my

520
00:34:41.120 --> 00:34:43.520
spiritual perspective of things.

521
00:34:45.280 --> 00:34:47.600
And that it was just that bad.

522
00:34:48.960 --> 00:34:51.199
And, and that's what I really did think about the Lord.

523
00:34:51.760 --> 00:34:55.600
So I finally began to heal a lot.

524
00:34:55.600 --> 00:34:59.920
And the only way that I healed from the whole single thing, singleness.

525
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.600
thing in it and stopping to be such an obsession is because I finally began to change the whole

526
00:35:05.600 --> 00:35:10.560
reason that it was important to me, which was my identity. I finally found that in the Lord.

527
00:35:10.560 --> 00:35:15.760
And the only way that I did is I got desperate enough where the pain of changing was less than

528
00:35:15.760 --> 00:35:21.920
the pain of staying the same, you know, through that phrase. And, and for, and that didn't happen

529
00:35:21.920 --> 00:35:30.800
until I think I was 34, 35, something like that. Finally, that the pain of every, of staying the

530
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:35.920
same was too, too great. So I shifted and it wasn't about being single or not being single

531
00:35:35.920 --> 00:35:42.080
to that point. By that point, by that point I'd gotten, I not only have this single part of my

532
00:35:42.080 --> 00:35:45.680
life, you know, just not worked out the way I wanted, you know, the married part, the relationship

533
00:35:45.680 --> 00:35:51.040
part, but all these other aspects, business, feeling like I had any kind of success, et cetera.

534
00:35:51.040 --> 00:35:59.280
Oh, I tell you what, what broke it was my you remember me telling that story about in December

535
00:35:59.280 --> 00:36:04.800
of 2018, everything changed. And the fact that on Christmas day, you know, I finally had had it.

536
00:36:04.800 --> 00:36:11.440
Well, what I don't tell people is what happened just publicly. I mean, I can tell you this on

537
00:36:11.440 --> 00:36:19.440
this call, but is the fact that my what I wanted is I wanted to be married. I wanted a house. I

538
00:36:19.440 --> 00:36:24.800
wanted a minivan. I wanted children. I wanted, I don't think there's anything else, but anyway,

539
00:36:24.800 --> 00:36:30.400
I just kind of wanted a place as, as, as one of the women of the families in a church. And that's

540
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:35.600
the, it was like this perfect little, little picture that I created when I was really young,

541
00:36:35.600 --> 00:36:40.320
watching my mom and the kind of life she had. And I thought this is apparently, and then the lives

542
00:36:40.320 --> 00:36:46.640
of the people that she knew. And I thought, apparently this is the ideal. And anyway,

543
00:36:47.200 --> 00:36:57.280
excuse me. At that point, my best friend and my sister had both married. So I had,

544
00:36:57.280 --> 00:37:01.600
there were three people in my life that were about my age, you know, that we're all like going through

545
00:37:02.480 --> 00:37:08.320
life together. I was always kind of the one that led everybody. I was always the most mature

546
00:37:08.320 --> 00:37:12.800
out of me and my siblings, because obviously I'm the oldest. And then my best friend at,

547
00:37:13.280 --> 00:37:20.080
at, at the time she was my age, but she acted much younger. She acted more like my sister's age.

548
00:37:20.800 --> 00:37:24.800
So she always emotionally needed everyone, including to this day needs everyone to kind

549
00:37:24.800 --> 00:37:29.920
of like emotionally, you know, keep her together, which is very sad. And supporters trying to say,

550
00:37:30.560 --> 00:37:36.800
not keep her together supporter. And so I was led everybody, but over the years I watched everybody

551
00:37:36.800 --> 00:37:40.560
get all of the things in the checklist that I'd asked the Lord for. They all got married. They

552
00:37:40.560 --> 00:37:45.680
all got a house. They all had had kids. And by that time, they all had multiple,

553
00:37:45.680 --> 00:37:51.280
I say they all had multiple Audra and my sister and, and Sarah did my friend.

554
00:37:52.800 --> 00:38:00.960
And my brother, however, had by that point, he'd gotten married, he'd been married. He'd he'd had,

555
00:38:00.960 --> 00:38:05.840
he had a house. And at that Christmas, they finally announced that they were pregnant for

556
00:38:05.840 --> 00:38:11.360
the first time. I couldn't handle it anymore. That was like the last thing because finally,

557
00:38:11.360 --> 00:38:18.960
now everyone had everything that I wanted and I didn't have anything like I'd watched all of them

558
00:38:18.960 --> 00:38:24.160
go through dating multiple people and at least having that experience relationships. And then

559
00:38:24.160 --> 00:38:29.440
finally going to engagement and having maybe an engagement party. And then they're having the,

560
00:38:29.440 --> 00:38:35.200
the you know, all of their, you know, their bridal showers and the lingerie showers and shopping for

561
00:38:35.200 --> 00:38:40.880
wedding dresses and having the wedding. And then they get, then they get married and people are

562
00:38:40.880 --> 00:38:45.440
always asking their opinion, you know, before Christmas, like, Hey, can y'all make it? Hey,

563
00:38:45.440 --> 00:38:49.280
can y'all, you know, or thanks to me, Hey, can y'all do this? Hey, and including them in the

564
00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:58.560
plans. And then me, I mean, we would go off and we would go off. I'm like for family vacations.

565
00:38:58.560 --> 00:39:03.040
And my grandma was living with us at the time. And I love my grandma. She's so special. And she,

566
00:39:03.040 --> 00:39:06.880
well, she still is. She's very special, very, very fun and very sweet. And so she and I were

567
00:39:06.880 --> 00:39:11.520
really close, but I kind of took her under my wing because her, um, my granddaddy had passed

568
00:39:11.520 --> 00:39:17.680
away and she was like really struggling and just feeling very alone. And so anyway, me as usual,

569
00:39:17.680 --> 00:39:21.200
I'm like trying to take care of somebody else, you know, because I feel that that's my law in

570
00:39:21.200 --> 00:39:25.840
life and she got to take her. So we would go on these family vacations and everybody else is now

571
00:39:25.840 --> 00:39:32.000
a couple of that, except Ashley. So to the thing of like, Oh, well, actually just sleep with grandma

572
00:39:32.080 --> 00:39:39.200
or Ashley sleep on the couch. So I'm like being stuck in like the leftover places while everybody

573
00:39:39.200 --> 00:39:42.320
else, okay, well, they're, they're married. We need to make sure they have a room. We need to

574
00:39:42.320 --> 00:39:46.960
make sure they have a room. And I just felt like this leftover now, no one was intentionally doing

575
00:39:46.960 --> 00:39:54.880
it. In fact, hearing my mom, even at the time, she was trying to intentionally remember me and,

576
00:39:54.880 --> 00:39:59.920
you know, and make sure I was okay and whatever, but there was this aspect of feeling like.

577
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.960
Like, Asha just needs to be stuck wherever.

578
00:40:01.960 --> 00:40:04.420
So again, it was this affirmation of,

579
00:40:04.420 --> 00:40:06.460
I'm just not as much as everybody else

580
00:40:06.460 --> 00:40:08.980
who are getting all of these things checked off their list.

581
00:40:08.980 --> 00:40:10.220
And they're being treated like that

582
00:40:10.220 --> 00:40:13.100
because they're getting stuff checked off their list.

583
00:40:13.100 --> 00:40:15.260
So finally, I find out my brother and sister-in-law

584
00:40:15.260 --> 00:40:16.700
are having a baby and I'm like,

585
00:40:16.700 --> 00:40:18.260
now everyone has everything.

586
00:40:18.260 --> 00:40:20.760
And I lost it.

587
00:40:20.760 --> 00:40:22.740
Now, not in front of everyone,

588
00:40:22.740 --> 00:40:24.100
but I, after, you know,

589
00:40:24.100 --> 00:40:25.700
I did the appropriate congratulations.

590
00:40:25.700 --> 00:40:27.460
Oh my goodness, we're so excited, this is great.

591
00:40:27.460 --> 00:40:30.400
I waited just about like a minute.

592
00:40:30.400 --> 00:40:32.800
And I was like, I can't take this anymore.

593
00:40:32.800 --> 00:40:34.080
Like, I'm sorry, just one second.

594
00:40:34.080 --> 00:40:34.920
I gotta go to the restroom.

595
00:40:34.920 --> 00:40:37.120
You know, in the middle of like present unwrapping

596
00:40:37.120 --> 00:40:40.660
and I go into the restroom and I lose it.

597
00:40:40.660 --> 00:40:43.040
I mean, I am very much in control of my emotions

598
00:40:43.040 --> 00:40:44.440
and I lose it.

599
00:40:44.440 --> 00:40:46.520
I'm like, I'm weeping.

600
00:40:46.520 --> 00:40:49.920
Finally, my mom realizes I've been gone long enough

601
00:40:49.920 --> 00:40:50.980
that something's wrong.

602
00:40:50.980 --> 00:40:52.640
And so she comes in there and she says,

603
00:40:52.640 --> 00:40:54.040
Ashley, I'm so sorry.

604
00:40:54.040 --> 00:40:56.680
Of course, she knows, she knows what's going on.

605
00:40:56.700 --> 00:40:58.020
That's really hard for me.

606
00:40:58.020 --> 00:41:02.500
That was the beginning of my thing where I went into,

607
00:41:02.500 --> 00:41:03.980
I went into suicidal mode.

608
00:41:05.300 --> 00:41:06.660
In the end, two days later,

609
00:41:06.660 --> 00:41:08.860
after two days after Christmas until the Lord has said,

610
00:41:08.860 --> 00:41:11.580
apparently I don't know how to have a relationship with you.

611
00:41:11.580 --> 00:41:13.660
So until I do, you know,

612
00:41:13.660 --> 00:41:16.820
I'm just gonna do whatever it is that I wanna do.

613
00:41:16.820 --> 00:41:20.620
And so everything was based off of that.

614
00:41:20.620 --> 00:41:22.940
I wasn't married, I wasn't getting all of this stuff.

615
00:41:22.940 --> 00:41:24.300
So it was that much of a recession

616
00:41:24.300 --> 00:41:26.140
that caused my identity crisis,

617
00:41:26.880 --> 00:41:29.040
honestly, truly, no joke.

618
00:41:29.040 --> 00:41:31.120
It was a midlife identity crisis.

619
00:41:31.120 --> 00:41:33.120
Maybe it wasn't midlife, but it was,

620
00:41:33.120 --> 00:41:35.360
I promise you the dadgum same thing.

621
00:41:35.360 --> 00:41:38.720
It was like the bottom fell out of my existence.

622
00:41:38.720 --> 00:41:41.360
And it was as if I felt like I'd wasted my whole life

623
00:41:41.360 --> 00:41:44.360
up to that point, because I was like 34, 35.

624
00:41:44.360 --> 00:41:46.320
I was like, what have I been doing?

625
00:41:46.320 --> 00:41:48.220
Does any of it even matter?

626
00:41:48.220 --> 00:41:51.800
So I'm very grateful that the Lord helped me

627
00:41:51.800 --> 00:41:53.320
through that time.

628
00:41:53.320 --> 00:41:57.860
And so everything changed in me and I felt whole

629
00:41:57.860 --> 00:42:00.140
and I no longer needed to be married

630
00:42:00.140 --> 00:42:03.660
after I found my identity in the Lord.

631
00:42:03.660 --> 00:42:06.580
Now it took a year and a half or a year.

632
00:42:06.580 --> 00:42:07.660
How long did you think?

633
00:42:07.660 --> 00:42:10.400
It took about six months before I was,

634
00:42:11.500 --> 00:42:13.780
yeah, six months or a year

635
00:42:15.300 --> 00:42:16.860
before things changed to the point

636
00:42:16.860 --> 00:42:18.060
where I finally felt whole

637
00:42:18.060 --> 00:42:19.900
and I no longer needed to be married.

638
00:42:20.880 --> 00:42:22.960
I mean like, and I'd lived my whole life

639
00:42:22.960 --> 00:42:25.880
needing to be married and I finally no longer needed it.

640
00:42:25.880 --> 00:42:27.840
I tried to tell myself that in the past.

641
00:42:27.840 --> 00:42:29.040
Oh yeah, I'm fine.

642
00:42:29.040 --> 00:42:33.760
But this was truly, I no longer needed it.

643
00:42:33.760 --> 00:42:38.160
It was not, it could no longer fill that need that I had

644
00:42:38.160 --> 00:42:39.520
because it was already filled.

645
00:42:39.520 --> 00:42:41.360
I really had my identity in the Lord.

646
00:42:41.360 --> 00:42:46.360
So fast forward to the story that Renata was telling you.

647
00:42:47.060 --> 00:42:51.500
I think that this was about like two years,

648
00:42:51.500 --> 00:42:56.500
maybe a year, two, three, maybe three.

649
00:42:57.900 --> 00:42:59.880
Maybe it's three years later.

650
00:43:01.300 --> 00:43:04.020
I was, it's possible that it was four,

651
00:43:04.020 --> 00:43:05.960
but we'll say like three or four years later.

652
00:43:05.960 --> 00:43:10.380
I was, after my identity crisis in September, 2018,

653
00:43:13.540 --> 00:43:15.140
it was, it was four years later

654
00:43:15.160 --> 00:43:17.920
because it was September of 2022.

655
00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:21.000
And I had just, or 2021, I forgot.

656
00:43:21.000 --> 00:43:22.680
I was married in 2022.

657
00:43:22.680 --> 00:43:23.640
So it's three years.

658
00:43:23.640 --> 00:43:28.640
So September, 2021, I had thought that the Lord

659
00:43:31.160 --> 00:43:33.940
wanted me to get married to someone.

660
00:43:33.940 --> 00:43:35.400
I thought that the Lord, that there was someone

661
00:43:35.400 --> 00:43:37.160
that the Lord had specifically for me,

662
00:43:37.160 --> 00:43:39.440
meaning like a specific man that I knew of.

663
00:43:39.440 --> 00:43:41.480
And I was like, I think that the Lord is telling me

664
00:43:41.480 --> 00:43:42.960
I'm supposed to marry him, whatever.

665
00:43:42.960 --> 00:43:44.400
So I just, I held onto that.

666
00:43:44.460 --> 00:43:46.580
I thought that it was a promise from the Lord.

667
00:43:46.580 --> 00:43:50.820
And so I thought, okay, well, I found him

668
00:43:50.820 --> 00:43:52.140
and I'm just waiting now.

669
00:43:52.140 --> 00:43:54.820
Well, after waiting for multiple years

670
00:43:54.820 --> 00:43:58.740
and it didn't happen, okay, Lord, I'm tired.

671
00:43:58.740 --> 00:43:59.900
I'm tired of this.

672
00:43:59.900 --> 00:44:04.340
And so what happened is I began to let go of it

673
00:44:04.340 --> 00:44:05.180
more and more.

674
00:44:05.180 --> 00:44:08.260
And that's actually how the Lord taught me faith

675
00:44:08.260 --> 00:44:11.260
is he taught me faith by going through this issue

676
00:44:11.260 --> 00:44:14.280
where I thought that the Lord had promised me

677
00:44:15.120 --> 00:44:16.580
something that wasn't happening.

678
00:44:16.580 --> 00:44:19.460
And I kept waiting and just like the whole thing

679
00:44:19.460 --> 00:44:21.740
of like, okay, well, maybe I'm just supposed to endure.

680
00:44:21.740 --> 00:44:23.580
So I'm just gonna endure, you know?

681
00:44:23.580 --> 00:44:26.060
And finally I told the Lord, I said, Lord,

682
00:44:26.060 --> 00:44:27.180
this hurts so much.

683
00:44:27.180 --> 00:44:29.020
And I said, I know what's going on.

684
00:44:29.020 --> 00:44:31.100
Cause by that time I was already in the rest intensive

685
00:44:31.100 --> 00:44:32.620
and immediately doing the rest intensive.

686
00:44:32.620 --> 00:44:35.340
And I knew, I was like, I'm supposed to let go.

687
00:44:35.340 --> 00:44:36.980
I've been like, God's taught me about this

688
00:44:36.980 --> 00:44:38.360
in so many other areas of my life.

689
00:44:38.360 --> 00:44:39.780
This is something I need to let go of,

690
00:44:39.780 --> 00:44:41.420
but I didn't want to let go of the promise

691
00:44:41.420 --> 00:44:43.460
that I thought God had made me that I was going to marry.

692
00:44:44.320 --> 00:44:48.640
And so that's when that thing happened

693
00:44:48.640 --> 00:44:50.760
where I'm laying there telling the Lord, okay,

694
00:44:50.760 --> 00:44:53.280
I'm gonna release all of these signs that I thought

695
00:44:53.280 --> 00:44:55.720
that you were, you had said that that was gonna happen.

696
00:44:55.720 --> 00:44:57.320
And, you know, I'm just,

697
00:44:57.320 --> 00:44:59.920
so I just released all of them one by one.

698
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.160
release, you know, I emotionally release you Lord from obligation, um, or in

699
00:45:05.160 --> 00:45:08.320
disconnect myself from this sign that I thought that you gave where I thought

700
00:45:08.320 --> 00:45:10.080
you were communicating something for me.

701
00:45:10.440 --> 00:45:13.380
And I actually released myself from this emotionally release that.

702
00:45:13.380 --> 00:45:17.300
And, um, And I no longer hold you obligated.

703
00:45:17.320 --> 00:45:21.660
I no longer hold those as signs in front of you in accusation.

704
00:45:21.660 --> 00:45:24.180
God, why aren't you fulfilling these things yet?

705
00:45:24.180 --> 00:45:25.620
God, I release you from all of that.

706
00:45:25.940 --> 00:45:29.020
So I did everything until I got to the promise and I'm like, okay,

707
00:45:29.020 --> 00:45:30.040
apparently that's it.

708
00:45:30.160 --> 00:45:35.800
And God says, no, I need you to release the promise that you, that, um, that I

709
00:45:35.800 --> 00:45:40.020
made you meaning like, I thought that made me that that's who you're supposed

710
00:45:40.020 --> 00:45:40.400
to marry.

711
00:45:41.240 --> 00:45:44.300
And so it's like, God, that doesn't make any sense because I thought we were

712
00:45:44.300 --> 00:45:47.040
supposed to hold on the promises that you said, duh, duh, duh.

713
00:45:47.040 --> 00:45:48.460
And so aren't I supposed to hold on to that?

714
00:45:48.460 --> 00:45:51.400
You know, and he said, no, actually you're supposed to hold on to me.

715
00:45:51.920 --> 00:45:57.880
Not, not this promise that you're now, which is this gift that I gave you or

716
00:45:57.880 --> 00:45:59.380
you thought that I gave you, you know, whatever.

717
00:45:59.900 --> 00:46:04.700
And then, um, and hold that now an accusation against me saying that

718
00:46:04.700 --> 00:46:08.500
apparently I'm not as good and as in who it is that I, that apparently I'm not

719
00:46:08.500 --> 00:46:13.660
who I say that I am because this gift that I wanted to give you meaning like

720
00:46:13.660 --> 00:46:16.580
this promise of like, Hey, I want to show you, you know, how good I am.

721
00:46:16.860 --> 00:46:18.620
Look what I look, what I'm promising you.

722
00:46:18.660 --> 00:46:19.140
Oh my word.

723
00:46:19.140 --> 00:46:20.100
Lord, you'd be that good.

724
00:46:20.620 --> 00:46:24.640
But you've now taken that and you're now using it against me instead of receiving

725
00:46:24.660 --> 00:46:29.020
something of me that I wanted to offer you, which was myself and me being that

726
00:46:29.020 --> 00:46:30.940
good, not in that thing happening.

727
00:46:31.220 --> 00:46:34.700
But now you're focused on that thing happening instead of me being that good.

728
00:46:35.700 --> 00:46:38.820
I'm not that good that he would do this, but just that good.

729
00:46:39.260 --> 00:46:42.180
And then he's expressing it in this particular fashion.

730
00:46:42.560 --> 00:46:46.620
That's what I mean by choosing that he's that good, that good, like, Oh, I get this.

731
00:46:46.660 --> 00:46:51.460
No, he's as good as this expressed to you and your value system.

732
00:46:51.880 --> 00:46:53.480
And so I released the promise.

733
00:46:54.360 --> 00:47:01.960
And a few months later, um, I told the Lord, um, Ed had come and, uh, so a few

734
00:47:01.960 --> 00:47:05.760
months later I've been traveling around the U S and I, I come down.

735
00:47:05.760 --> 00:47:10.360
In fact, I just visited Priscilla and her family and everything and, and, um, in

736
00:47:10.360 --> 00:47:14.320
Pennsylvania and, and so I had down the East coast, you know, a bit more.

737
00:47:14.640 --> 00:47:19.880
And finally I get to close to Ed and he, and I hadn't seen each other in months,

738
00:47:20.300 --> 00:47:21.860
probably six months or something like that.

739
00:47:22.220 --> 00:47:26.620
And I said, Hey, you know, you need to come up and where I'm staying with a mutual

740
00:47:26.620 --> 00:47:29.300
friend, you know, she has that she and her husband have a bed and breakfast.

741
00:47:29.300 --> 00:47:31.620
She should come up and we'll all just all hang out and visit.

742
00:47:31.620 --> 00:47:35.980
So he came up and he said that at that time he noticed there was something

743
00:47:35.980 --> 00:47:39.980
different about me and that I caught his attention in a way that I hadn't before.

744
00:47:40.380 --> 00:47:43.500
But he still wasn't.

745
00:47:44.940 --> 00:47:49.020
From what I understand, he wasn't like attracted or interested particularly.

746
00:47:49.400 --> 00:47:54.520
Um, I mean, like, yeah, enough for him to like notice or, or anything.

747
00:47:54.880 --> 00:48:00.040
And, um, and also I was still closed off and that's something that he's always

748
00:48:00.040 --> 00:48:03.920
told me, he said, cause I've asked him and said, well, you know, Ed, have you

749
00:48:04.000 --> 00:48:05.440
ever been reinterested in me?

750
00:48:05.440 --> 00:48:08.840
Because by that time we'd already known each other for a year, we'd been

751
00:48:08.840 --> 00:48:13.920
friends and we'd hung out and we'd like literally live together as when we, when

752
00:48:14.240 --> 00:48:18.200
we live with our friends, as we'd go from town to town, like we would stay in the

753
00:48:18.220 --> 00:48:22.100
same Airbnbs, you know, you know, at a time.

754
00:48:22.420 --> 00:48:25.060
So, um, were you ever interested?

755
00:48:25.060 --> 00:48:30.660
And he said, he said, Ashley, I wasn't at the place to notice anyone.

756
00:48:32.060 --> 00:48:38.120
And he said, plus he said immediately, whenever I kind of felt into that,

757
00:48:38.120 --> 00:48:42.340
because he's, you know, just really prophetic, he said, I immediately was

758
00:48:42.340 --> 00:48:46.500
just hit with this, basically this wall that you're closed, you know,

759
00:48:46.500 --> 00:48:47.780
you weren't even open to it.

760
00:48:48.460 --> 00:48:52.900
And the reason I I'm telling you all of this is I thought I was open.

761
00:48:53.700 --> 00:48:56.540
I thought it was, Hey Lord, especially because I just released all this other

762
00:48:56.540 --> 00:49:04.260
stuff open and I wasn't, I was still closed and he recognized that and he

763
00:49:04.260 --> 00:49:08.940
could spiritually now he knew enough to be able to articulate that's what was

764
00:49:08.940 --> 00:49:13.860
going on, but most people don't know that most people just go around just

765
00:49:13.860 --> 00:49:15.500
reacting and don't realize that.

766
00:49:15.540 --> 00:49:17.340
Oh, it's cause I felt they were closed.

767
00:49:17.640 --> 00:49:19.320
I didn't feel an openness from her.

768
00:49:19.320 --> 00:49:22.760
I thought they don't know that they're just all spiritually responding to

769
00:49:22.760 --> 00:49:26.160
stuff or in there, you know, whether it's in the spirit or it's in the

770
00:49:26.160 --> 00:49:28.960
metaphysical, you know, they're all just, we're all just responding

771
00:49:28.960 --> 00:49:30.920
to stuff, but he knew what it was.

772
00:49:31.260 --> 00:49:34.080
Then maybe you can articulate the time, but we'll know.

773
00:49:34.160 --> 00:49:37.880
I think he could anyway, point is, and that weekend was different.

774
00:49:38.880 --> 00:49:40.560
I was not interested in him.

775
00:49:41.040 --> 00:49:44.240
In fact, I felt that he was interested in me and I thought, okay, I've

776
00:49:44.240 --> 00:49:45.520
got to be careful with this.

777
00:49:45.580 --> 00:49:49.660
Even though he says he wasn't, I thought that at the time, I thought that he was,

778
00:49:49.660 --> 00:49:52.500
I thought that's what the science was me and I was like, okay, I've got to be

779
00:49:52.500 --> 00:49:56.020
very careful and how I treat him, you know, not giving the wrong idea.

780
00:49:56.720 --> 00:49:59.660
And so I, my point is I was not interested.

781
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:06.180
And he left it to go back to his, his place about an hour and a half away.

782
00:50:06.180 --> 00:50:14.380
And I walked into my bedroom at that Airbnb and I stood there, I still remember, I mean,

783
00:50:14.380 --> 00:50:15.720
you just put myself back there.

784
00:50:15.720 --> 00:50:23.020
I stood there and I said, I said, Lord, I said, I know that I released so-and-so.

785
00:50:23.020 --> 00:50:26.660
I said, however, and, and, and I said, Lord, and I feel completely whole.

786
00:50:26.660 --> 00:50:31.620
I said, Lord, it's like a circle that is finally completely connected together.

787
00:50:31.620 --> 00:50:34.700
And there's no point of penetration.

788
00:50:34.700 --> 00:50:37.900
There's like no, there's no hole anywhere.

789
00:50:37.900 --> 00:50:40.140
It's like completely full.

790
00:50:40.140 --> 00:50:45.060
I said, that's how I feel, Lord, just with you and me, it's enough.

791
00:50:45.060 --> 00:50:52.320
But what I'm struggling with, Lord, is I feel that what's inside the circle, me and my life

792
00:50:52.320 --> 00:50:55.140
is not as enriched as it could be.

793
00:50:55.140 --> 00:50:56.300
That's what I'm sensing.

794
00:50:56.940 --> 00:51:02.340
I'm completely whole, but that I'm, there's some like empty space.

795
00:51:02.340 --> 00:51:08.140
It's like my life is so much more compact, so much more in it.

796
00:51:08.140 --> 00:51:13.740
There could be so much more richness in it that I'm allowing there to be.

797
00:51:13.740 --> 00:51:23.120
So Lord, if you, and I said, I feel like you, that, that you are providing me with an opportunity

798
00:51:23.240 --> 00:51:26.560
to be more enriched and I'm not taking advantage of it.

799
00:51:26.560 --> 00:51:32.760
So Lord, I'm asking if there's any way in which I'm not, I'm, I don't remember exactly

800
00:51:32.760 --> 00:51:36.080
how to phrase this moment, but something like, Lord, I'm asking that you would enrich my

801
00:51:36.080 --> 00:51:42.160
life more and I'm finally, and Lord, that means that I don't get to decide what that

802
00:51:42.160 --> 00:51:43.160
is.

803
00:51:43.160 --> 00:51:47.320
I mean, sure we get to co-labor with the Lord and co-counsel and decide and be like, okay,

804
00:51:47.320 --> 00:51:48.560
well, I think I'd like this.

805
00:51:48.560 --> 00:51:52.360
I mean, there's that, but just in general, what I'm talking about is we have to let go

806
00:51:52.600 --> 00:51:53.600
of the outcome.

807
00:51:53.600 --> 00:51:58.280
We get to contribute on the co-counseling part of it, but not on what comes out of the

808
00:51:58.280 --> 00:51:59.280
co-counsel.

809
00:51:59.280 --> 00:52:01.360
We don't get, not that part.

810
00:52:01.360 --> 00:52:08.360
We get to be part of like the creation, but we don't get to be part of, you know, it's

811
00:52:08.360 --> 00:52:09.800
like a man and woman coming together.

812
00:52:09.800 --> 00:52:15.960
The man initiates, but he can't create the baby on his own, you know, and he gives her

813
00:52:15.960 --> 00:52:21.200
his peace and parcel of himself, which of course is God with his word, his peace and

814
00:52:21.200 --> 00:52:22.200
parcel of himself.

815
00:52:22.200 --> 00:52:25.600
And then the woman, though, in order to make a baby, the baby doesn't just come just because

816
00:52:25.600 --> 00:52:31.040
the woman and just because the man initiates and gives her something.

817
00:52:31.040 --> 00:52:38.080
She has to provide her own contribution, her egg, in order for there to actually be a conception.

818
00:52:38.080 --> 00:52:42.920
And so it's the same thing with us and the Lord is, you know, God has initiated Steph

819
00:52:42.920 --> 00:52:47.360
and I need, and we can co-counsel with him at the beginning.

820
00:52:47.360 --> 00:52:52.160
We have a valuable contribution, but the outcome of the child, it's kind of similar

821
00:52:52.160 --> 00:52:59.400
to think of it like, for one thing, if the sperm don't find the egg, no, it's all up

822
00:52:59.400 --> 00:53:00.400
to the sperm.

823
00:53:00.400 --> 00:53:01.400
That's one thing.

824
00:53:01.400 --> 00:53:09.400
And then also though, you know, that a baby's gender is determined by, by the man's DNA

825
00:53:09.400 --> 00:53:10.960
and whether it's a boy or girl.

826
00:53:10.960 --> 00:53:15.480
So we kind of use that as like an example of like, it's the man still that determines

827
00:53:15.480 --> 00:53:21.040
the outcome, whether he doesn't fall in control of it, it determines the outcome.

828
00:53:21.040 --> 00:53:24.720
And so it's the same thing with the, between us and the Lord is the Lord determines the

829
00:53:24.720 --> 00:53:25.720
outcome.

830
00:53:25.720 --> 00:53:32.000
But at the beginning, we get to not only to counsel with him and can have a valuable contribution.

831
00:53:32.000 --> 00:53:37.840
God's what God decides is what's going to ultimately is what we submit to.

832
00:53:37.840 --> 00:53:42.600
And a lot of ultimately happen, but we get to be part of the, of the discussion.

833
00:53:42.600 --> 00:53:47.480
And the woman nurtures the promise, you know, within her, not fully knowing what it is that

834
00:53:47.480 --> 00:53:52.600
she has, but just evaluating it because of who it is that, you know, what it is she's

835
00:53:52.600 --> 00:53:56.840
carrying, which is the fact that it's peace and prosperity of the one she loves.

836
00:53:56.840 --> 00:54:03.200
And then she's fascinatingly responsible to, to nurture it to the point of, of birthing.

837
00:54:03.200 --> 00:54:09.400
But the thing is that what actually is birthed is dependent on the Lord.

838
00:54:09.400 --> 00:54:15.240
It's, it's, he gets to determine that outcome, but the part that we, the part that we have

839
00:54:15.240 --> 00:54:19.960
a contribution in is the beginning and in nurturing it at the end.

840
00:54:19.960 --> 00:54:25.080
But as far as like any kind of decision, we get to co-counsel with him, like providing

841
00:54:25.080 --> 00:54:31.120
ideas, et cetera, but it needs to always be from the source of being like his character

842
00:54:31.120 --> 00:54:34.160
or what, what like God, what is loving?

843
00:54:34.160 --> 00:54:35.160
What is pure?

844
00:54:35.160 --> 00:54:36.160
What is holy?

845
00:54:36.160 --> 00:54:42.280
What is, you know, you know, full of joy and truth and righteousness and, and whatever.

846
00:54:42.280 --> 00:54:46.160
And those need to be the things that we contribute to the co-counseling.

847
00:54:46.160 --> 00:54:51.920
So anyway, so I told the Lord, I said, Lord, I, and, and we, and the woman has to make

848
00:54:51.920 --> 00:54:54.240
her body available.

849
00:54:54.240 --> 00:54:55.240
And so that's what I did with the Lord.

850
00:54:55.240 --> 00:55:00.040
I was like, okay, Lord, I, I'm allowing you to.

851
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.560
give me what it is that you want. And my part in it, Lord, is I will receive it. Whatever you decide

852
00:55:06.560 --> 00:55:11.440
needs to enrich my life, whether that be dating. And I mentioned that to him. So whether that be

853
00:55:11.440 --> 00:55:19.280
dating or it needs to be, or you want it to be something else, Lord, I allow that to happen.

854
00:55:19.280 --> 00:55:24.800
And I, and I will, I, and I told him, so Lord, I will actively take part. And I, in, in stepping

855
00:55:24.800 --> 00:55:32.080
into those opportunities and I won't resist them anymore. I won't, I won't put conditions on it

856
00:55:32.080 --> 00:55:38.400
of like, well, I wanted it to happen like this and I wanted it to be like this. And so that was

857
00:55:38.400 --> 00:55:46.000
something that I had to do in order to be open. And, and so I just told him, so Lord, I'm finally

858
00:55:46.000 --> 00:55:54.000
opening myself up and I'm just going to allow myself, yeah, allow whatever you want to happen

859
00:55:54.000 --> 00:56:00.240
to happen, including to enrich my life, including dating. Lord, I'm finally open, but I couldn't

860
00:56:00.240 --> 00:56:07.600
just want it to happen, Lord. Okay. What I'm talking about is I was, I finally opened it up

861
00:56:07.600 --> 00:56:15.200
where I said, Lord, I'll no longer control it, but I'll actively participate. I'll actively

862
00:56:15.200 --> 00:56:20.720
participate, but I'm giving up my control. That's a good one. That's a good order to put it. I'll

863
00:56:20.720 --> 00:56:27.920
actively participate. This is mind blowing. Yeah. So anyway, are you, are you okay? Yeah, I was just,

864
00:56:27.920 --> 00:56:34.400
I was, I guess I'm at my friend's, she's not here. Uh, I just saw my, my phone was at 20%. So I was

865
00:56:34.400 --> 00:56:40.640
like, I hope she doesn't have a charger. If not, I have to like run down. Oh no. I think maybe,

866
00:56:41.600 --> 00:56:43.840
maybe this is a charger. I'm like,

867
00:56:47.840 --> 00:56:54.720
well, hopefully, hopefully it's going to be okay. Okay. Well also I've noticed that Zoom

868
00:56:54.720 --> 00:57:01.440
still works fine if you turn it on a low battery mode. Oh, okay. I'll try. Like it doesn't change

869
00:57:01.440 --> 00:57:06.160
the, um, it doesn't change the speed of Zoom or anything like that. It just takes out all

870
00:57:06.240 --> 00:57:13.360
those background and things that are taking your battery power. Yeah. And so anyway, um, so I do

871
00:57:13.360 --> 00:57:17.920
that sometimes when I get caught on, when I'm on these. And so anyway, sorry, I'm almost done. I

872
00:57:17.920 --> 00:57:23.520
know that this is, say is a long story, but I try to include, Oh, I love it. It's, it's everything

873
00:57:23.520 --> 00:57:30.560
that I need. Okay, good. So good. But, um, I feel that maybe one day the Lord's going to have me do

874
00:57:30.560 --> 00:57:38.320
something like for a single woman, like share all of this stuff. And like, but, um, currently he's,

875
00:57:38.320 --> 00:57:43.840
he doesn't usually allow me to share this, this story. I mean, so far he's let me share, you know,

876
00:57:43.840 --> 00:57:48.480
one-on-one and stuff like that. But when people have wanted it, like in a group setting, he's,

877
00:57:48.480 --> 00:57:53.040
he's not allowed me to do it. So I realized, okay, apparently there's not, it's not now the right

878
00:57:53.040 --> 00:57:58.800
time. So anyway, I don't really know why. Um, it's probably more like he he's got more to show me,

879
00:57:58.800 --> 00:58:06.160
but, um, in other words, it's just too early. Uh, but, uh, so, uh, I told the Lord that and,

880
00:58:06.160 --> 00:58:13.680
and I felt, I felt more open. I was like, okay. And then I went to, um, I went to ed where ed was

881
00:58:13.680 --> 00:58:17.360
cause I, and I, it was a last minute decision. I thought, Hey, I've got extra time before a

882
00:58:17.360 --> 00:58:21.840
conference at the end of this, of this week in, in Florida. And I need to kill some time. Cause

883
00:58:21.840 --> 00:58:26.480
that was on a Sunday that I prayed that prayer with the Lord and the conference in Jacksonville,

884
00:58:26.480 --> 00:58:30.480
Florida was going to be on Saturday. And I thought, well, I have all this time to kill.

885
00:58:30.480 --> 00:58:36.640
Um, and so why don't I go and just stay at the ministry that ed is at, which is morning star.

886
00:58:36.640 --> 00:58:40.240
And then they have, you know, they're in a hotel, which of course it's where we ended up living,

887
00:58:40.240 --> 00:58:44.560
you know, in one of the apartments there. But, um, so I thought, well, I'll just go,

888
00:58:44.560 --> 00:58:51.040
I'll rent an apartment and I'm in an apartment, rent a room and, um, and just stay for a few days.

889
00:58:51.040 --> 00:58:57.840
So I went and, um, uh, uh, the Lord just worked out some very interesting things.

890
00:58:57.840 --> 00:59:03.200
Um, and there was, there was a guy there who's taking over for Rick Joyner who took over for

891
00:59:03.200 --> 00:59:06.640
Rick Joyner, who took over the head of, who took over the ministry. His name is Chris Reed

892
00:59:07.600 --> 00:59:14.160
and, and ed was supporting Chris. So we would have like dinners and stuff with,

893
00:59:15.200 --> 00:59:19.680
with Chris because a conference was going on at morning star. This was not the conference in

894
00:59:19.680 --> 00:59:24.400
Jacksonville, Florida. I was eventually going to go to, I ended up landing at morning star at

895
00:59:24.400 --> 00:59:30.320
the time of this conference that ed was heading up. Well, uh, that, that Chris Reed was teaching.

896
00:59:30.320 --> 00:59:35.360
So anyway, long story, they had these special dinners that were just with all the, the leadership

897
00:59:35.360 --> 00:59:39.440
or all of the teachers or whoever for these conferences. And because ed was heading it up

898
00:59:39.440 --> 00:59:44.640
and I was his friend, he invited me to these dinners. So I got to visit with people like

899
00:59:44.640 --> 00:59:49.360
Chris Reed and whatever. And so Chris got to see the dynamic between ed and I. And one day,

900
00:59:50.400 --> 00:59:57.200
um, a few days in, um, uh, by the, okay, well, I, I was about to tell you what Chris said that

901
00:59:57.200 --> 00:59:59.920
I have to back it. So, you know,

902
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.960
No, I had just seen Ed a few days before, but this time when I saw him and we started

903
01:00:04.960 --> 01:00:09.560
hanging out a bit, things changed pretty fast.

904
01:00:09.560 --> 01:00:11.760
I started feeling differently about him.

905
01:00:11.760 --> 01:00:14.400
I started seeing him differently and the same thing with him.

906
01:00:14.400 --> 01:00:15.400
We were flirting.

907
01:00:15.400 --> 01:00:22.960
We were feeling very, um, uh, like a little like self-conscious with each other and that

908
01:00:22.960 --> 01:00:23.960
kind of thing.

909
01:00:23.960 --> 01:00:28.520
And at the time I was like, what on earth is going on and why can't I stop acting like

910
01:00:28.520 --> 01:00:29.520
this?

911
01:00:29.520 --> 01:00:34.000
Um, I was so embarrassed and I just felt out of control and I'm just not, you know, I just

912
01:00:34.000 --> 01:00:35.000
wasn't used to it.

913
01:00:35.000 --> 01:00:42.840
I was 37, I think at the time, maybe 38 and I'm just, wasn't used to that kind of that,

914
01:00:42.840 --> 01:00:47.760
uh, kind of the bumbling ness of something new.

915
01:00:47.760 --> 01:00:51.920
And um, so, uh, so think of like what you go through in high school.

916
01:00:51.920 --> 01:00:57.440
I was having to go through at like 38, it was very embarrassing, but, uh, I started

917
01:00:57.440 --> 01:01:01.640
noticing a bit differently and he started acting a bit differently about around me than

918
01:01:01.640 --> 01:01:02.640
he usually did.

919
01:01:02.640 --> 01:01:04.080
And I thought, well, I don't know what's going on.

920
01:01:04.080 --> 01:01:05.760
Well, Chris noticed it as well.

921
01:01:05.760 --> 01:01:07.440
So I kept staying.

922
01:01:07.440 --> 01:01:12.680
I kept like staying another day, staying another day and staying another day in because I wanted

923
01:01:12.680 --> 01:01:19.080
to be around Ed more, I realized, um, and I, again, I wasn't used to feeling all of

924
01:01:19.080 --> 01:01:20.080
these feelings.

925
01:01:20.080 --> 01:01:25.120
Uh, but anyway, so Chris was sitting next to Ed one time at, at one of the, during one

926
01:01:25.120 --> 01:01:29.200
of the conference sessions and leaned over to Ed and said, said, Hey, what's going on

927
01:01:29.200 --> 01:01:30.200
between you and Ashley?

928
01:01:30.200 --> 01:01:31.200
And it said, Oh, nothing.

929
01:01:31.200 --> 01:01:32.200
Nothing.

930
01:01:32.200 --> 01:01:33.200
She, you know, she's not interested.

931
01:01:33.200 --> 01:01:36.040
And Chris said, I don't know about that, dude.

932
01:01:36.040 --> 01:01:40.400
He's like, I'm real prophetic and you said, and I've never been wrong about this kind

933
01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:41.400
of thing.

934
01:01:41.400 --> 01:01:44.640
I'm telling you, it's like, Hmm, I don't know.

935
01:01:44.640 --> 01:01:49.200
Well, maybe there is something because if, if this other random, I mean, this other person

936
01:01:49.200 --> 01:01:54.080
who hasn't, doesn't know, you know, Ashley at all thinks that he's noticing something.

937
01:01:54.080 --> 01:01:56.160
I wonder if something's there and I'm just ignoring it.

938
01:01:56.160 --> 01:02:00.280
And so then he noticed that while I was there, he began to notice certain things about me

939
01:02:00.280 --> 01:02:04.680
as a woman that he didn't think that he was allowed to notice because, you know, we were

940
01:02:04.680 --> 01:02:09.600
friends, you know, started found my, found himself like being attracted to me in ways

941
01:02:09.600 --> 01:02:12.880
he wasn't used to feeling, you know, about a woman, specifically me.

942
01:02:12.880 --> 01:02:17.000
So it's like, I don't know if I'm allowed to feel this way.

943
01:02:17.000 --> 01:02:22.320
And then especially because he'd been feeling that I was so closed, you know, uh, he didn't,

944
01:02:22.640 --> 01:02:29.000
uh, he just kept like pushing it away because that had been our MO well after Chris said

945
01:02:29.000 --> 01:02:36.080
that he told, he told the Lord, he's like, okay, Lord, if I don't like how my life is

946
01:02:36.080 --> 01:02:39.480
going, in other words, he was like 48, I think.

947
01:02:39.480 --> 01:02:43.800
And he, and I mean, not that he didn't like how his life was going, but if you wanted

948
01:02:43.800 --> 01:02:46.400
something different out of life, you want to get married or whatever.

949
01:02:46.400 --> 01:02:52.240
He said, if I decided that if I wanted something different, I was going to have to make a different

950
01:02:53.160 --> 01:02:54.440
decision in life.

951
01:02:54.440 --> 01:02:59.240
So I can't treat this situation like I normally wouldn't disregard it.

952
01:02:59.240 --> 01:03:01.800
I'm going to have to make a different decision, do something differently.

953
01:03:01.800 --> 01:03:05.000
So he decided to approach me about it.

954
01:03:05.000 --> 01:03:10.440
We, um, we weren't able to visit, um, until like one, something in the morning because

955
01:03:10.440 --> 01:03:16.680
his, uh, the lady that, that helped him, she kept trying to leave our conversation.

956
01:03:16.680 --> 01:03:22.280
I found out later that it looked to us like she kept not getting the clue and leaving.

957
01:03:22.280 --> 01:03:28.720
And she felt on her part that we weren't ever giving her the out to like politely leave.

958
01:03:28.720 --> 01:03:31.520
So she felt like she was stuck and she kept trying to leave.

959
01:03:31.520 --> 01:03:36.240
So it was pretty funny, but point is it was like one, something in the morning and Ed's

960
01:03:36.240 --> 01:03:39.920
thinking, oh my word, you know, I've lost my chance, you know, because we were supposed

961
01:03:39.920 --> 01:03:43.560
to have these hours for me to get to have an opportunity to visit with her and, you

962
01:03:43.560 --> 01:03:46.520
know, ask her, Hey, this is what Chris said.

963
01:03:46.520 --> 01:03:48.160
What do you think about it?

964
01:03:48.160 --> 01:03:52.320
So he, we, he walks me back to my hotel room, which is like right around the corner from

965
01:03:52.320 --> 01:03:53.320
his, his apartment.

966
01:03:53.320 --> 01:03:56.480
And he's, and he tells the Lord, he's like, okay, it is now or never Lord.

967
01:03:56.480 --> 01:03:58.800
So he said, Hey, we're about to part in the hallway.

968
01:03:58.800 --> 01:04:04.040
And he said, so, Hey, you'll never guess what Chris told me today.

969
01:04:04.040 --> 01:04:07.920
So he told me, and I was like, huh?

970
01:04:07.920 --> 01:04:12.920
And I turn around, that's so something I would do as well.

971
01:04:13.280 --> 01:04:19.280
I didn't, I like gave him like no response because I didn't know what to say.

972
01:04:19.280 --> 01:04:20.280
Yeah.

973
01:04:20.280 --> 01:04:24.320
And I was like, well, so I turned around and walked back to my apartment.

974
01:04:24.320 --> 01:04:26.040
So my, my room.

975
01:04:26.040 --> 01:04:27.040
So I went back to my room.

976
01:04:27.040 --> 01:04:28.040
I sat on the edge of the bed.

977
01:04:28.040 --> 01:04:34.120
I'm looking at the mirror and I said, Lord, I've never been in a situation before.

978
01:04:34.120 --> 01:04:35.120
Do I like this?

979
01:04:35.120 --> 01:04:36.120
Do I not like this?

980
01:04:36.120 --> 01:04:37.840
Do I want to feel this way about Ed?

981
01:04:37.840 --> 01:04:38.840
Do I not want to feel this way?

982
01:04:38.840 --> 01:04:39.840
Do I want to go for this?

983
01:04:39.840 --> 01:04:40.840
I want to go for this.

984
01:04:40.840 --> 01:04:41.840
Is this a good idea?

985
01:04:41.840 --> 01:04:42.840
Is this a bad idea?

986
01:04:42.840 --> 01:04:43.840
This is not a bad idea.

987
01:04:43.840 --> 01:04:44.840
You know, just going back and forth.

988
01:04:44.840 --> 01:04:48.560
Well, Ed had gone into his apartment and told the Lord, Lord, while I drive and you saw

989
01:04:48.560 --> 01:04:51.800
how she responded and she's leaving tomorrow morning.

990
01:04:51.800 --> 01:04:55.000
And I'm probably not going to get a chance, you know, because of how the commerce, because

991
01:04:55.000 --> 01:04:56.000
of how the conference goes.

992
01:04:56.000 --> 01:05:00.000
And the fact that I'm in seeing it, I'm probably not going to get a chance to talk to her before

993
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:00.000


994
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.520
She like walks out at the conference and has to leave for Jacksonville, which by the way,

995
01:05:06.520 --> 01:05:11.680
he'd set up an opportunity for me to stay with his mom while I was in Jacksonville.

996
01:05:11.680 --> 01:05:13.800
I'd never met his mom.

997
01:05:13.800 --> 01:05:18.280
And so this was going to be very different, but, and of course he and I weren't expecting

998
01:05:18.280 --> 01:05:20.480
to date or be interested or whatever.

999
01:05:20.480 --> 01:05:22.160
He just set that up.

1000
01:05:22.160 --> 01:05:27.600
And so anyway, the next morning, um, I, uh, I thought, okay, I think that he's waiting

1001
01:05:27.600 --> 01:05:28.720
for me to respond.

1002
01:05:28.720 --> 01:05:32.600
I think that he, that was him initiating and I'm supposed to, and he's just waiting for

1003
01:05:32.600 --> 01:05:34.640
me, my response.

1004
01:05:34.640 --> 01:05:40.020
So I asked him, I waited, um, and, uh, and knew I was going to be late to the meeting

1005
01:05:40.020 --> 01:05:44.120
in Jacksonville, but I was like, Hey, I've just, this is what I've got to do.

1006
01:05:44.120 --> 01:05:47.780
Um, I waited until the end of the conference so I could get to visit with Ed.

1007
01:05:47.780 --> 01:05:50.960
And then I asked Ed, Hey Ed, would you walk me to my car?

1008
01:05:50.960 --> 01:05:51.960
He's like, sure.

1009
01:05:51.960 --> 01:05:57.320
So he walks me to my car and I said, okay, so here's the deal, you know, and I tell him,

1010
01:05:57.320 --> 01:06:01.800
you know, and then, and then so long story short, we visited for two hours about all

1011
01:06:01.800 --> 01:06:04.040
the pros and cons and do we really want this?

1012
01:06:04.040 --> 01:06:08.280
Cause we had a lot of mutual friends I'd never dated before and here he was in this ministry

1013
01:06:08.280 --> 01:06:12.480
where everyone knew him and I didn't want to date in a fishbowl.

1014
01:06:12.480 --> 01:06:18.040
And when I never dated before, you know, it was all at this step and Rick Joyner was on

1015
01:06:18.040 --> 01:06:23.640
a bicycle doing some, it's an exercises doing his morning, his daily exercise and he kept

1016
01:06:23.800 --> 01:06:28.040
riding around the property and coming back to our part of the parking lot, you know,

1017
01:06:28.040 --> 01:06:31.960
again and again, we kept visiting there for two hours.

1018
01:06:33.880 --> 01:06:38.440
But, um, anyway, so that was the story and that's how we ended up.

1019
01:06:38.440 --> 01:06:39.800
So we decided to start dating.

1020
01:06:40.440 --> 01:06:43.880
That was October 30th of 2021.

1021
01:06:43.880 --> 01:06:49.000
So it was almost two years ago to the day at the end of this month.

1022
01:06:49.000 --> 01:06:51.560
And, uh, but anyway, so that's my story.

1023
01:06:51.640 --> 01:06:58.360
So that I, and, um, he also, so Ed realized, and this is something I hadn't mentioned.

1024
01:06:58.360 --> 01:07:03.640
Ed realized that, and I realized too, you know, he started to see me in a different

1025
01:07:03.640 --> 01:07:11.000
way and the way he was able to do that is because even though he'd seen me on Sunday,

1026
01:07:11.000 --> 01:07:16.760
by the time I went to visit him on Wednesday and Thursday, things were different because

1027
01:07:16.760 --> 01:07:22.200
finally he could see me because I had prayed the prayer after he'd left, you know, because

1028
01:07:22.200 --> 01:07:25.640
he drove off, you know, on Sunday and I went into my room and I just prayed again, not

1029
01:07:25.640 --> 01:07:26.760
thinking anything about it.

1030
01:07:26.760 --> 01:07:30.760
I'm just like, it just, I'm just like, Lord, I'm just sensing that this is something I

1031
01:07:30.760 --> 01:07:31.320
need to pray.

1032
01:07:32.760 --> 01:07:35.880
And because Ed's interested in me, but I'm not interested because that's what I thought

1033
01:07:37.480 --> 01:07:42.840
he's interested, but I'm not interested, but Lord, you know, I, I want to be, I want to

1034
01:07:42.840 --> 01:07:45.080
date someone, you know, someone out there.

1035
01:07:45.160 --> 01:07:46.760
So can you please make that happen?

1036
01:07:47.960 --> 01:07:53.000
Well, um, so between Sunday and, you know, when we saw each other on Wednesday, Thursday,

1037
01:07:53.000 --> 01:07:55.480
I'd prayed that prayer and now my walls were down.

1038
01:07:56.040 --> 01:08:01.160
So now not only could I finally see him, I couldn't see him on Sunday.

1039
01:08:01.960 --> 01:08:06.120
I could finally see him on Wednesday and Thursday and the same thing with him.

1040
01:08:06.120 --> 01:08:08.760
He couldn't see me and now he could.

1041
01:08:08.760 --> 01:08:11.240
And it was because my walls were down.

1042
01:08:11.240 --> 01:08:14.440
I had taken down a wall that I didn't think I had up.

1043
01:08:14.440 --> 01:08:16.200
I thought it was open.

1044
01:08:16.200 --> 01:08:17.080
I, because why?

1045
01:08:17.080 --> 01:08:18.520
Because I wanted it so badly.

1046
01:08:18.520 --> 01:08:22.760
So I thought that was open, but there were things in me that I was afraid of because

1047
01:08:22.760 --> 01:08:28.760
I couldn't control it because I was afraid of the potential disappointment, et cetera.

1048
01:08:29.319 --> 01:08:36.279
And, um, so all of those things were actually closing me off and shutting me down.

1049
01:08:37.479 --> 01:08:41.640
Um, because I was requiring God to be the one to overcome them.

1050
01:08:42.359 --> 01:08:42.859
Yeah.

1051
01:08:43.319 --> 01:08:46.760
I want this from you, but here's my condition.

1052
01:08:46.760 --> 01:08:48.040
I don't want to get hurt.

1053
01:08:48.040 --> 01:08:54.040
Or I want you to have him woo me in such a way that it overwhelms and overcomes, you

1054
01:08:54.040 --> 01:09:00.040
know, all of my, you know, all of my, uh, potential opposition with the call.

1055
01:09:00.040 --> 01:09:05.800
And that anyway, it, yeah, you know, the word I'm looking for.

1056
01:09:06.359 --> 01:09:07.880
The obstacle, no, yeah, no.

1057
01:09:07.880 --> 01:09:08.380
Yeah.

1058
01:09:11.560 --> 01:09:12.840
Anything I could throw in the way.

1059
01:09:13.640 --> 01:09:14.200
Yeah.

1060
01:09:14.200 --> 01:09:18.279
Um, and so Lord, you know, that's what I'm, that's what I want.

1061
01:09:18.279 --> 01:09:21.399
And the Lord's like, no, you have to be open.

1062
01:09:21.399 --> 01:09:27.160
And not only could I not see him because I wasn't open.

1063
01:09:27.160 --> 01:09:31.319
He couldn't see me until I dropped that.

1064
01:09:31.319 --> 01:09:33.080
And I no longer have those.

1065
01:09:33.800 --> 01:09:39.640
Um, I no longer had all of these requirements and restrictions between me and the Lord of

1066
01:09:39.640 --> 01:09:44.680
like, well, I want this, but it needs to fit this criteria and God's like, no, you have

1067
01:09:44.680 --> 01:09:48.920
to be open and you have to be willing to take that risk and you have to risk yourself on

1068
01:09:48.920 --> 01:09:49.560
my goodness.

1069
01:09:50.279 --> 01:09:57.240
Um, and you have to release the, um, release the outcome to me and allow me to do what

1070
01:09:57.240 --> 01:09:58.120
I want to do.

1071
01:09:58.120 --> 01:09:59.880
So anyway, that's the story.

1072
01:10:00.800 --> 01:10:03.880
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for sharing. It's so helpful.

1073
01:10:03.880 --> 01:10:08.400
Like, I feel like that's what I need, like in all those areas

1074
01:10:08.400 --> 01:10:12.240
that I was talking about, just to know, Oh, I need to like

1075
01:10:12.240 --> 01:10:17.120
release some things. And then I mean, it's like a layer of an

1076
01:10:17.120 --> 01:10:19.760
onion, because it's like, you've talked about it before. But then

1077
01:10:19.760 --> 01:10:22.760
now I'm just getting it on a different level where I'm like,

1078
01:10:22.800 --> 01:10:27.320
ah, this is what I need to do. Because I think I feel like the

1079
01:10:27.320 --> 01:10:30.080
same. And that was really good. Like with the last session to

1080
01:10:30.080 --> 01:10:34.040
with accepting ourselves and forgiving ourselves, like I've

1081
01:10:34.040 --> 01:10:36.720
really been doing that with my body. And I see a change in

1082
01:10:36.720 --> 01:10:41.480
that. And then I was just as you were saying that I'm like, Oh,

1083
01:10:41.480 --> 01:10:44.960
yeah, I need to like, forgive myself for something that

1084
01:10:44.960 --> 01:10:48.160
happened at work, too. And I'm like, I wonder if that is just

1085
01:10:48.160 --> 01:10:53.240
like, up, basically one. So I have a friend that works there

1086
01:10:53.240 --> 01:10:56.960
that basically wanted me to start working there. And then I

1087
01:10:56.960 --> 01:10:59.880
don't like it. So that's like hard for her too. And she kind

1088
01:10:59.880 --> 01:11:04.560
of feels responsible. Like, so it's like, we're okay. But it's

1089
01:11:04.560 --> 01:11:07.440
like her boss and my boss, they've kind of like created

1090
01:11:07.440 --> 01:11:11.200
this, like, wishy washy position that I'm in. That just makes it

1091
01:11:11.200 --> 01:11:14.640
hard for both of us. But we're like, okay, we're gonna be okay

1092
01:11:14.640 --> 01:11:19.160
regardless. But anyways, I had been feeling for the last week

1093
01:11:19.160 --> 01:11:21.600
that something was off. And she hadn't been there. And I was

1094
01:11:21.600 --> 01:11:25.920
like, what's going on? And so finally, she talked to me on

1095
01:11:25.920 --> 01:11:30.200
Friday. And she was like, Hey, remember in the beginning, when

1096
01:11:30.200 --> 01:11:33.320
I told you that we have to like, stick together, and we have to

1097
01:11:33.320 --> 01:11:35.320
like, do these things and blah, blah, blah. I was like, Yeah,

1098
01:11:35.320 --> 01:11:38.360
she's like, Well, I've seen you've been frustrated, which I

1099
01:11:38.360 --> 01:11:41.600
have been because I've been like, on my last nerve with just

1100
01:11:41.600 --> 01:11:44.000
the court case and everything. So it has nothing to do with

1101
01:11:44.000 --> 01:11:52.200
her. Anyways, it's been like some issues with what's my

1102
01:11:52.200 --> 01:11:55.480
responsibilities and what's hers, and I've worded it and

1103
01:11:55.600 --> 01:11:58.880
anyways, she's she comes to me and she's like, Well, now we're

1104
01:11:58.880 --> 01:12:02.320
at the point where your your frustration has a consequence

1105
01:12:02.320 --> 01:12:06.160
for me. And I'm like, what, like what's going on? So basically,

1106
01:12:06.160 --> 01:12:12.800
they didn't give her full race. Because they've interpreted what

1107
01:12:12.800 --> 01:12:16.440
I've said that she's not sharing information and cooperating,

1108
01:12:16.760 --> 01:12:19.800
which is not what I've been meaning to say at all. And I'm

1109
01:12:19.800 --> 01:12:23.040
like, she's doing such a great job. And honestly, I just don't

1110
01:12:23.040 --> 01:12:26.680
feel like they're appreciating her at all. Anyways, because

1111
01:12:28.240 --> 01:12:31.520
but I was just like, Oh, man, so I've been like, beating myself

1112
01:12:31.520 --> 01:12:34.040
up. But now that you said it, I was like, Oh, I need to like,

1113
01:12:34.040 --> 01:12:36.680
forgive myself for that. Because I have been like, talking like,

1114
01:12:37.120 --> 01:12:41.040
it's like, Oh, I've been like, Oh, my gosh, like, God, I'm

1115
01:12:41.040 --> 01:12:43.400
there to be like a light and salt and to like, be your

1116
01:12:43.400 --> 01:12:47.040
cheerleader, and like, have her back. And now I've done like the

1117
01:12:47.040 --> 01:12:50.200
opposite, like, you have to help me make it right. And I'm like,

1118
01:12:50.200 --> 01:12:53.120
now that you're talking, I was like, and I need to forgive

1119
01:12:53.120 --> 01:12:56.800
myself for like, being in the state where I've been and like,

1120
01:12:57.600 --> 01:13:03.040
things being misunderstood, you know, like, yeah. So thanks for

1121
01:13:03.040 --> 01:13:07.000
that. Yeah. So just all that to say, like, I feel like a lot of

1122
01:13:07.000 --> 01:13:10.360
those things that you talked about last, last time, I've

1123
01:13:10.360 --> 01:13:14.400
really been able to like, incorporate and like, do

1124
01:13:14.400 --> 01:13:17.480
something with and what you're sharing now. I'm like, Oh, wow,

1125
01:13:17.480 --> 01:13:21.800
I'm really gonna run with this too. And like, yeah, there were

1126
01:13:21.800 --> 01:13:24.800
many things that were coming to mind that I was like, Oh, I need

1127
01:13:24.800 --> 01:13:30.480
to do this and this and this. And then just trust that I've

1128
01:13:30.480 --> 01:13:32.480
done it. You know what I mean? Like, yeah,

1129
01:13:32.720 --> 01:13:36.320
true. And that like, like Ed mentioned, at the end of the

1130
01:13:36.440 --> 01:13:40.080
this past session, when the last time he was talking is that

1131
01:13:40.080 --> 01:13:45.360
trust that the Lord is, is that when you that we're following

1132
01:13:45.360 --> 01:13:49.200
stuff that we know that the Lord has, basically, you know,

1133
01:13:49.200 --> 01:13:52.440
put in place, it's like, you know, this, of like forgiveness

1134
01:13:52.440 --> 01:13:55.640
and of letting go and the basically these principles, and

1135
01:13:55.640 --> 01:14:00.880
to trust that, by by obeying him, in other words, by

1136
01:14:00.880 --> 01:14:05.160
following them, by actually releasing things, that it's

1137
01:14:05.840 --> 01:14:09.720
that what he says will happen when we do that is actually

1138
01:14:09.720 --> 01:14:13.000
going to happen. And that we're actually letting those things

1139
01:14:13.040 --> 01:14:19.160
go. Yeah. Oh, I wonder if it worked. Trusting that worked

1140
01:14:19.240 --> 01:14:22.480
trusting that you did it trusting that meaning like that

1141
01:14:22.480 --> 01:14:26.760
you that you went through this process. And as opposed to Oh, I

1142
01:14:26.760 --> 01:14:31.520
hope I did it right. But rather, and, and as talked to me about

1143
01:14:31.520 --> 01:14:33.760
that multiple times, you know, where I've like struggled with

1144
01:14:33.760 --> 01:14:36.440
something like especially like I've gone through like a process

1145
01:14:36.440 --> 01:14:38.560
something with the Lord, and you'd be like, actually,

1146
01:14:38.560 --> 01:14:44.680
remember, he's like, you have got to, you've got to trust

1147
01:14:44.680 --> 01:14:47.200
that he said, actually, remember what you teach, you've got to

1148
01:14:47.200 --> 01:14:50.920
trust that God really is that good. Yeah, that he said that

1149
01:14:50.920 --> 01:14:54.600
that's how that that's what's going to happen. That's what

1150
01:14:54.600 --> 01:14:58.600
he's going to gift you. Then that he really is. In other

1151
01:14:58.600 --> 01:15:00.080
words, that if you

1152
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:06.800
Choose to step into his freedom trust in that his freedom is really there and you stepped into it

1153
01:15:07.200 --> 01:15:12.960
Yeah, you know that he came through on his into the deal. Don't question whether or not it worked

1154
01:15:13.240 --> 01:15:15.960
Yeah, whether he came through on his and deal a lot of times

1155
01:15:15.960 --> 01:15:20.520
We tend to do it thinking that we're putting it on ourselves and like oh, I wonder if I did it

1156
01:15:20.520 --> 01:15:26.920
Right, but Ed was like no really we're questioning whether or not the Lord is coming through on his into the deal

1157
01:15:26.920 --> 01:15:29.360
And he's like you really do have to give it to the Lord saying Lord

1158
01:15:29.360 --> 01:15:33.060
I'm doing what I think that you're telling me to do how you're telling me to

1159
01:15:33.480 --> 01:15:38.800
To release it etc. The way that I think that you're telling me and so so Lord

1160
01:15:38.800 --> 01:15:40.720
I'm gonna trust that

1161
01:15:40.720 --> 01:15:47.300
Really did do that that I really freaked myself that I really did cut things off that I really did let go that I really

1162
01:15:47.300 --> 01:15:53.800
Did I really cut off the connections, you know, etc. And so it because Ed gets on to me

1163
01:15:53.800 --> 01:15:55.560
It didn't get on to me like in a bad way

1164
01:15:55.560 --> 01:16:01.520
But he like asked me to really think about actually how much responsibility are you taking on?

1165
01:16:01.880 --> 01:16:07.640
For doing things that God says that he's going to do God said he's going to free you

1166
01:16:07.760 --> 01:16:11.800
God says he's going to whatever he said you were just yours is just that act of participation

1167
01:16:12.680 --> 01:16:15.960
But he's the one who makes it happen. He's the one who does it

1168
01:16:15.960 --> 01:16:21.360
He's the one who set you free when you chose to let go and so and you choose that you really did

1169
01:16:21.440 --> 01:16:26.600
You really did let it go you did everything God taught you how to let go so you're okay Lord

1170
01:16:26.600 --> 01:16:29.960
I think is what you taught me. So therefore if I'm gonna follow it, I'm gonna choose that's where I look

1171
01:16:29.960 --> 01:16:31.960
But it actually let go, you know

1172
01:16:32.360 --> 01:16:34.080
Yeah

1173
01:16:34.080 --> 01:16:40.880
Yeah, that's so good because I'm just realizing so many things something like thinking I've let go and then I'm like

1174
01:16:40.880 --> 01:16:42.880
Oh, I'm actually still

1175
01:16:43.040 --> 01:16:45.040
Still trying. Oh, no

1176
01:16:45.880 --> 01:16:47.880
It went like ding ding ding

1177
01:16:48.880 --> 01:16:50.360
Oh

1178
01:16:50.360 --> 01:16:53.080
Control the outcome. But uh, yeah. Oh

1179
01:16:54.200 --> 01:16:56.920
I'm really excited. Um, yeah

1180
01:16:57.480 --> 01:17:02.560
Good. I'm really excited because it's like I've been feeling like oh, there's a change coming this fall

1181
01:17:02.920 --> 01:17:07.000
like I'm doing something so then I'm still like but then I still

1182
01:17:07.840 --> 01:17:11.960
Realize now that you're talking that off. I've made some sort of a

1183
01:17:12.960 --> 01:17:19.800
I've put some sort of thought into what that will look like and that's what I'm waiting to have. You know what I mean?

1184
01:17:19.800 --> 01:17:22.440
Yeah, correct. Yeah. Yeah, so

1185
01:17:23.080 --> 01:17:29.640
That's hard. I just have to like release it and be like, hey whenever that happened if it really even happens

1186
01:17:29.640 --> 01:17:35.720
You know like but I'm gonna choose that, you know, what's best, right? But then I can still talk to him about what I want

1187
01:17:36.520 --> 01:17:41.520
Yeah, let's be cool. But I'm not gonna hold you to that like yeah

1188
01:17:42.320 --> 01:17:46.080
Exactly. Yeah, because what it is that he promised us isn't that things will happen

1189
01:17:46.200 --> 01:17:51.240
But rather that he is and that we get to benefit from him being who he is

1190
01:17:51.240 --> 01:17:52.800
We get to benefit from all that freedom

1191
01:17:52.800 --> 01:17:56.520
We get to experience love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness general

1192
01:17:57.120 --> 01:18:02.840
As well as rest and you know, all of this other stuff and that we choose. Yeah, that's how I'm living

1193
01:18:02.840 --> 01:18:04.160
I'm living in that right now

1194
01:18:04.160 --> 01:18:11.240
So therefore and what we're talking about with the own your own your own myself is this whole aspect of therefore now

1195
01:18:11.280 --> 01:18:12.480
How shall I live?

1196
01:18:12.480 --> 01:18:18.360
Yeah, this if this is what if this is the reality that I've chosen I'm choosing to let all these things go

1197
01:18:18.520 --> 01:18:21.240
Okay, now apparently I'm living in love joy pieces

1198
01:18:21.560 --> 01:18:26.920
There's nothing in between me and that and therefore I'm I'm if God says that these are the benefits

1199
01:18:26.920 --> 01:18:31.840
Therefore I'm gonna choose that those are those are benefits. I'm living in. Yeah, therefore, that's my life

1200
01:18:31.840 --> 01:18:33.680
What kind of decisions do I want to make now?

1201
01:18:33.680 --> 01:18:38.000
What kind of a life do I want to you know now that I'm not having to make it based off of?

1202
01:18:38.680 --> 01:18:43.520
Expecting the gauntlet to drop or bad things to happen or you know

1203
01:18:43.520 --> 01:18:51.400
I'm that things that will bring me and fear and discomfort or coming on the bike. So yeah, that's so good

1204
01:18:51.400 --> 01:18:56.520
I was thinking that just this morning. I think it was there was like, oh, it's true

1205
01:18:56.520 --> 01:19:03.080
Like you want this breakthrough more than me? Yes. Yeah, I don't have to stress about it. Like you want this for ya

1206
01:19:03.760 --> 01:19:08.160
It's gonna happen. I just don't know what that's gonna look like but it's gonna happen

1207
01:19:08.480 --> 01:19:12.880
Yeah, correct, and he does it we just actively. Hey, yeah

1208
01:19:12.880 --> 01:19:20.080
Yeah, I think that's been my thing actively participate. I see my percentage is at eight and oh my goodness

1209
01:19:22.040 --> 01:19:24.040
If I die, it's like

1210
01:19:25.240 --> 01:19:28.920
Then you know, it's not I don't mean to be rude, but I'm just like

1211
01:19:29.520 --> 01:19:33.160
No, no, that's fine. It's good to visit with you Annette. Oh my gosh

1212
01:19:33.160 --> 01:19:39.400
Thank you so much for sharing like I'll be listening to this over and over again. It was so good to see you

1213
01:19:39.960 --> 01:19:41.960
Good. I love your makeup. Oh

1214
01:19:42.400 --> 01:19:44.400
Thank you. It looks so pretty

1215
01:19:46.160 --> 01:19:48.160
A knock a knockout

1216
01:19:51.280 --> 01:19:53.280
Thank you

1217
01:19:54.880 --> 01:19:58.560
Have a really great day. Thanks. Have a good night

1218
01:19:58.920 --> 01:20:01.400
Thank you

1219
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:00.840
Bye.

1220
01:20:00.840 --> 01:20:01.680
Bye.