Hello.
So sorry.
Can you hear me.
I'm not muted but not I hear you do you hear me at all.
Okay, I can hear you.
Okay, good.
All right.
So yeah, my air was for whatever reason, who said they were connected but they weren't connected.
How are you.
Sorry to be so late. I'm hanging in. How are you this morning.
You said you're what you said I'm hanging in. How are you.
Is it a hard day today.
Um, it's kind of a hard day every day.
Yeah, it's hard day every day lately, so it's.
Yeah, it's been a major attack on my health. So like, oh, I'm just kind of every day trying to not try and not figure out why I'm so sick every day, so that's my heart right now, but yeah, it's.
Yeah, that's hard and frustrating if it's any encouragement, I'm, you know, having to do the same thing.
And now currently I'm not having to do it to the same intensity that I've been doing it.
I don't know if you remember the last time we talked I probably talked about this, but for two years.
Well it'll be two years this December, I will. I've been having my skin has been having an allergic reaction.
I don't know, I don't know.
Oh my goodness, I didn't know that long.
It's going to be two years this December, and I don't, you know, I don't know what it is I'm allergic to other than like fragrances, but basically it's like this, this is the simple way that I've realized that it's working is my skin is just sensitive, period.
Meaning like it's become sensitive, just out of the blue, I don't know why, and the doctors can't find a reason so therefore I'm not just reacting to fragrances I'm reacting to unknown things.
And the only thing that I'm that works is if I use ultra ultra clean products, and like literally as clean as I can find, excuse me, like to laundry, or to wash my hands or things like that.
And that's the only thing, because like laundry would be things like, I mean the reason that's important is not just the clothes that I'm putting on but also the sheets that I'm sleeping in or the towel that I'm driving my hands with.
Just stuff like that. I had a horrible allergic reaction even just yesterday on my face. And I thought, why, why all of a sudden, am I having it on my face.
I don't fully know why, but as many times as I've washed this blanket.
I was, I was wrapped in this blanket. Yesterday or day before, I think it was yesterday. And I would periodically scratch my face, and my face would just break out in these highs, and I'm like, why today of all you know days.
What have I done different. Yeah. And I realized, well, I had the, I had it on my lap, and I would periodically touch or scratch my face.
And, and I realized that I didn't have foundation on. I had like, I had like, what do you call it and not blush that like a bronzer on, but I didn't have a really thick buffer, not that I use like thick foundation but it, it's thick compared to like a powder.
And that I think is sometimes creating a barrier between my face skin and other things and so since I didn't have it. And that though I was sick, all last week with coven, and I was, I didn't wear makeup and I had this blanket on so I don't know.
I'm having this reaction, and while it's not as bad as like other things that I could have. I've been shocked at how debilitating it is when it's bad because when it's bad my skin and my whole body feels like it's on fire.
It feels like it just, it burns and it itches and it part of it is it's very intense but then the other part is it wears you down because it doesn't stop.
And it's just like constant without any relief, and it's that water on a rock idea of like it won't stop and so it builds it emotionally builds an intensity of like I can't get this to go away and you know what I mean.
So it's not that any one thing is particularly bad it's that when it doesn't go away and you're in constant burning, you know, constant, and I don't know just pain that just emotionally just wears down on you so my point is, I put my situation and I've had to figure out, you know,
with the Lord. Okay, Lord, how do I process through this? If I've been prayed for by multiple people
who pray for people and like miracles happen, lens grow back, you know, kind of thing.
I had people like that pray for me. Yeah. And, and I prayed in my husband's prayed and it's,
and it's, and I'm still not fully healed, you know, Lord, how do I continue and not be an
accusation against you that these things are continuing to happen? And, and, and then,
and how do I partner with that by obviously not saying the accusation against the Lord,
but how do I not, how do I not, I'm still trying to figure out how to articulate this
to people? And this idea of like, because we, we tend to default to things like desperation.
We think that that's valuable to the Lord. Like, Oh, if I'm very desperate, well,
then God thinks that that's a really good thing. And I've learned that that's actually not
desperation is will can lead us to the Lord. The Lord can use it, but desperation won't get us in,
don't get us what we need to in won't get us what we need into the kingdom. It, because it's a,
it's a negative thing. We think of it as this, it's like this thing that's valuable to the Lord
as if like, Oh, well, it means I really, really want him, but there's something in, there's a
negative aspect of desperation. That's usually associated with desperation all the time,
but usually associated with desperation, which is founded in this, in this thing founded in
accusation against the Lord and, and not expecting it to happen. Yeah. And belief. And there's this
negative aspect and that won't ever get us, you know, into the kingdom. I mean, and I don't mean
this being a Christian, I mean that, you know, won't get us all of the benefits and whatever.
So how do I continue to hold this petition before the Lord, Lord, would you please heal?
You know because for me, it is something that I have to manage all day long is this,
is this reaction. And especially if I mean, like, you know, just, I'm just like scratching and
itching and whatever it's, I don't even realize how often I do it now because it's, it's just
all the time. And I don't realize how, until I stop and think about it, how many parts of my body
are in pain at any given moment, because I've just come to live with it, you know?
Anyway. So my point is that how do I hold this and petition before the Lord in faith,
not in accusation and in a posture of expectancy without the negative,
than any negativity that I usually apply as an ingredient in desperation of life with this
aspect. And so, and so my very long explanation, again, I'm trying to learn how to articulate
all of this to myself, let alone to other people. But part of the thing in all of that is learning
like the word that you use, you know, how do we not try? In other words, how do we not add effort,
strife, approach it from a, from the foundation of lack? Like I don't have, and therefore I need,
and God, you haven't done it yet. And therefore this is a problem. And how do I, you know, not
view it from such a negative perspective? That is something I'm really, I'm, I've been working
through and I have noticed that the more that I just kind of let go and with expectation that not
only God is currently good and he's being good to me and he's good to me now and he's good to me now
in my body. So I've learned that things like that are very helpful. Like if we pick, if we have a
particular characteristic of the Lord, like his goodness or his, or his provision or his safety or
something like that, and then we choose, okay, yeah, he is that period. And then he's that to me.
I'm not left out. It's not everybody else, but not me, you know, in the end that it's not for later.
He's that way to me right now. And then on top of that, that he is that way to me right now.
Not later, right now in this specific area that I'm needing it in, like in my body or in my skin
or in my whatever. And that has been a really big deal and a really big helpful thing for me to grab
a hold of. In other words, it's helped my faith. It's given some specificity to my faith. This is
what I am, who I am.
leaving God is and how it man. And I don't, when I say how I was going to say and how
it manifests, I don't mean specifically like, well, God's only good to me if I'm healed
and if I look like this and if I look like that, you know, I don't mean that. I just
meant that God is good to me right now in my body. It's in. So therefore it's that kind
of a manifestation, that kind of an expression. Um, so that has helped because then there's
something in me that has like tightened down on that. I really want this to happen. I really
want to be healed. I really want this. That's allowed me to let go while still holding it
before the Lord, but not, uh, but, but not, um, hold onto it so tightly that I'm not allowing
the spirit to move. Like there's an aspect of what I refer to as death that comes when
we want something so badly, we tend to like lock down on it. We locked down on it emotionally.
And then when you do that over a period of time, it gives us that feeling of I'm stuck.
And it's because we've locked down on this thing that we want so desperately. And the
reason why we keep doing that is not only do we do it for our own sense of security,
feeling like we can control something, but also we've, we've tricked ourselves into believing
from various scripture versus that. I don't, I don't believe that we've interpreted correctly.
We believe that it's valuable to reward and it's not, it's the, it's the consistency in
our faith in him that he values, not this locking down on something or this God, you
know, why haven't you done this yet? Or, or whatever, because I was thinking about this
this morning in my own, you know, just, I mean, briefly, I think about this stuff a
lot, but this specific thing you're talking about right now about kind of locking down
on it and versus, cause it's happening again in my sleep where I'm like, I'm trying to
understand, I'm trying to figure out why my ear is, you know, waking me up again, like
night after night or whatever, it's various things, but it is a constant of multiple things.
And then adding in like additional things as you go, it's kind of like you're snowballing
the wrong direction. It feels like constant, but I was like, but why, like, if I'm, if
I'm trying to figure it out, which again, he's spoken to me about, like, not, not eating
from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, not trying to understand and figure
it out, but then there's still that. Okay. Well then am I supposed to, like, I wrestle
with, am I supposed to surrender to it and like be okay with it as in not ever take authority
over my body and the symptoms that are coming upon me? You know what I mean? Like, do I
surrender to it? That doesn't feel totally right, but it does feel right to let go. But
then again, to navigate it moment by moment, like every second of every day and night right
now, it's not cyclically kind of go back to, okay, is it this, or is it that I'm trying
to understand, you know, is this the root or is that the root? I mean, there's some
element of that, especially when, when there's big unknowns there and I don't think we're
meant to live in it. So it's like, well, I guess coming back to like, what aspect is
for him, like to surrender for him to figure out and me to have faith. And what is my part
to take action and partnership with him toward it. And then of clamping down, like you were
saying, like, when is it time to try to understand and get to the bottom of something that doesn't
have yet answers, but it's like plaguing me all the time versus letting go of surrendering
and just trusting, you know, like the timeline and everything. That's yeah, definitely the
challenge. We participate while releasing control. And that's hard because we either,
if we don't want, if we don't get to have control, we tend to want to not, we tend to
give up any kind of active participation. Like, so if we're like, okay, God says he's
going to do it. Okay. Well, then I'm not just not going to do anything. And, or we, or we
actively participate, it's, it has a tendency to always be towards controlling the thing,
controlling the outcome is what I mean, controlling what is going to happen, making it, figuring
out how to get a specific outcome and making a determination, moving and moving toward it.
But it's like, there's, there's an intentional intentionality inside of us that has a
tendency that is controlling and that the intentionality to control is the problem. So
anyway, it's, it's actively participating without controlling. And so meaning like we need to
release the outcome to the Lord, like what happens, whether or not, like say for instance,
for my skin.
whether or not this stops, um, whether or not, you know, he heals period, let alone
like in other words, whether I see the manifestation feeling in my body, um, uh, and then whether,
and then how that happens, does it happen by miracle?
Does it happen when someone prays for me?
Does it happen when I'm just sleeping and I didn't do anything?
Does it happen because I, um, I researched things, research, possible, um, possible
causes and went to different doctors and the, and the Lord used those, uh, you know, healed
me through my purchase, my allowing creation to participate in the process, meaning like
doctors and medicine or whatever, you know, so I have to release, not just the outcome,
I have to release how the outcome happens, um, and by outcome, I don't even mean just
healing.
I mean, whether or not I'm healed kind of a thing, I have to just release that I can
no longer hold God accountable to me for what happens and change my, um, and change your
relationship or expectation or, or, or identification of who God is based off of what may or may
not happen.
That's what we release, um, that we can still want something, we can still desire it, um,
and, and we can still hold that before the Lord, we can still ask them for those things
and we can actively participate in exploration in discovery and be like, okay, well, you
know, let's, let's go to a doctor, let's, let's research it, let's whatever, but without
the internal ingredient while we're researching or going to a doctor or whatever, without
that internal ingredient of, um, of fear, of, of a sense of lack of a sense of like
a desperation.
And by desperation, I'm talking about like the negative aspects that we typically include
in desperation.
Um, and, and so what we do is you, when you're talking about surrender, we're not surrendering
to it.
We definitely don't want to do that because that either falls into the category of giving
up or giving in.
And so when we let go
At this moment where I'm like, is this resignation?
Cause I feel like I'm to the point when the, so the most, I guess the most recent symptom
or like day to day moment by moment grading on you all day, all night thing is this ringing
in my ear tinnitus that started.
Um, and that was kind of like, it was, it's been one of those, it's kind of a big deal.
I mean, I don't know how to quantify or qualify it, like compared to the other things I'm
dealing with, but like, it's, it's a constant, something I've never dealt with in my life.
Like I wanted to pull my hair out for, I mean, I had to cry out to him for like a couple
of weeks.
I feel like the couple of weeks I've either there's been like, I've been able to adapt
to it enough to like for it to not grade on me so much, but it was like nails on a chalkboard.
Like I have chirping ringing in my ear all day and night.
And I'm going, oh my goodness.
But I also, by that point, Ashley, I was like, okay, you know, like there was a, uh, an element
of I'm letting go.
Like I can't, like, I can't figure this out.
I can't control this.
I don't want to.
Um, but then I also hit a point when other things are hitting all at once alongside that,
then I'm like, yeah, like I'm giving up, like I'm either I'm on this teeter of, I either
I'm like sort of just giving in and like in resignation or I'm resisting and trying to
figure it out and understand so I can be better and figure, you know, figure out what's happening,
why and how to fix it.
And then I was like, but with the Lord, I was like, I feel like it's either like this
resignation or this resistance and neither one I was like, I feel like I just, and this
has more to do, I guess, with the spiritual awakening too.
And like the emotional healing and trauma and everything healing that he's doing that
I'm like, I just feel like I'm here for the resurrection of, you know, like the seed that
had to die, the chrysalis, you know, that feels like death.
And so it was just like a cool moment of like, I didn't mean to come up with those R words,
but there was just my desperate in the shower kind of moment that I was like, I feel like
I'm either like giving up hope or I'm like in a pattern of resisting and I'm wearing
myself out.
But like, I just want to be reborn, you know, like in all of this.
I want to see hope, which the resurrection is ultimate hope, you know, and that what
his suffering bore, you know, birth, I guess, was the resurrection.
So out of all that came the beauty, you know, but yeah.
You were saying about, you know, not, not living in that place of like giving up and
just sort of resigning, you know, and that can be part of that.
the fear lack sort of internal ingredients
that you were saying.
Yeah, and what you mentioned was really wise
and very insightful because that usually
is what we teeter between
and God doesn't want either one of those choices,
the resignation or the resistance.
Because the resistance, remember that if we're not in rest,
we're in an active state of resistance.
So that resistance requires effort and exertion,
you know, as a force against something
that we feel that is being, you know, put on us
or being, you know, forced on us or coming against us.
And it takes a lot of work.
Resistance works, but it works in the kingdom of the world,
you know, but in the kingdom of the Lord,
you know, in the kingdom of God,
we don't have to resist, we can just neutralize it
because it's actually not a threat.
If we call it a threat, well, then the only way to,
because we've identified it as a threat,
in other words, we've named it that,
therefore with that name comes all of the law,
it comes all of the, I don't know, the description,
what principles are in effect, sort of.
So therefore with it comes all of these other things
that are attached by strings to what a threat is.
And it means like, okay, if it's a threat,
it means that there are all of these laws and rules
and principles by which it operates
and therefore have to engage those laws and principles
in order to oppose the threat.
But if we don't label it as a threat,
we don't have to deal with all of those things
that threats are connected to,
that all of those laws and principles by which it works.
So in other words, it does work,
that that's the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
and God's like, hey, there's a better way,
there is a more restful way.
And that's what Jesus came to do,
is he said, hey, y'all are used to operating
according to the truth, knowledge of good and evil
and your covenant with me was through that.
And that's why there had to be a sacrifice
and there had to be whatever.
He said, but now you have the opportunity
to just live by a different set of rules and principles
and those you can, I positioned you in a place
where everything is beneath you
and everything is below the power is,
you have power and authority over everything else.
And so therefore, it's anything that contrast
from the issue isn't actually a threat.
It's perceived.
Yes, it's a perceived threat
if we choose to perceive it as such.
So anyway, it's if we just, if we realize,
okay, and I have to do this with my skin,
I have to realize, okay, and this is a huge,
I'm glad that we're getting to this in the conversation
because that's a huge part of what I had to do
in order to let go and to release
is I had to stop thinking of it as a threat.
I had to stop thinking even of my body
as being a threat to me
or something being in threat against my body
or my body being a threat against me
because my particular issue is an autoimmune
because it's your body, you know,
attacking itself and creating an issue
when there's no need for it to, you know.
And so I have to not think of something
coming against my body.
In other words, my body being vulnerable to
and weak against like this outside enemy.
And I also can't treat my body
and view my body like an enemy that I'm trying to combat
or that is a threat to me.
And because if I do see it as the threat,
that's how I have to engage it
in order to get it to stop or to change.
I have to engage it as I have to, as you do a threat.
I have to engage it by all those principles, et cetera.
But if it's not called this thing called threat,
well, then I don't have to, I don't have to engage,
then I don't have to engage those principles
and whatever that the word threat
that the kingdom operates in
that that word threat exists in, you know.
If I'm gonna call it this thing,
well, that thing, it's called that in this kingdom.
So therefore, if I'm gonna call it that,
I'm recognizing this kingdom and I'm saying,
okay, I recognize you
and therefore I'm gonna have to engage with you like that.
Because there's no such thing as threat
in the kingdom of God, if that makes sense.
So that has helped me to say,
while I'm having faith in the Lord,
Lord, where's the manifestation of the healing?
Because I'm like, okay, I, instead of choosing healing God,
I choose that you're good.
I choose that your provision,
I choose that you provide for me.
I choose that you are, that you're a provider,
that you're a protector.
I choose that you are these things.
And I sit, you know, just like David did.
And I think that there's somewhere.
else in scripture talks about this, but basically, you know, just waiting on the Lord.
You know, I'm waiting to see the goodness of God in the land of the living or something like that,
Lord, I'm just waiting to see this manifestation. And we don't know why it takes so long.
We don't know why we have to wait. But the thing is that God gives us that,
that expectation, and that precedence in scripture, that there's such a thing as waiting,
where we don't know why, you know, and we're just like, Okay, but I'm still here. And I'm,
I'm in this thing called waiting. So how do I exist in the waiting, that we do it in faith,
but and then we have to so I have to choose God, I choose you over.
Or the in other words, I value you, I choose you as my higher value than me being healed of this
thing. In other words, I choose you over you manifesting your character in x, y and z way
in this very specific way. I choose that that's my higher value. And that is true faith. And then
in the meantime, still wanting this, this healing or whatever, that's that waiting on the Lord. But
what we've done is we have switched our value system to choosing him over the healing. And
that's what's called a sacrifice, where we have to let go. That being our higher value,
doesn't mean we don't value it. But we let go of that as being our higher value and choose
God instead. That's the sacrifice. So that is that waiting on the Lord. Because we all wonder
what's this whole waiting on the Lord mean? That's, that's what that is. It's that time
between letting go and still being there. You're letting go of holding it an accusation against the
Lord, not letting holding an accusation of the Lord. And yet you're still, you're still in the
situation, you know, and so anyway, that's really good. That's really good. I'm going to have to
chew on that stuff for sure. Like a lot, because this is definitely on my heart, like all the time
as you, you know, as you know, like these things are on your mind when you're walking through them,
you're in the middle of it. And, and there's been times like, I think I mentioned to you on the
Marco initially that I was like, I just had this sentence, like, I don't know if it's Holy Spirit
or what, that you were walking through something similar. And not that I didn't know, you had
described to me the allergic reaction once, but you were getting to, I think the bottom of like
detergent and the sheets at that time, maybe closer to a year ago with maybe like your mother,
your mother-in-law, I can't remember. Oh yeah. That's my mom. And so like, very good memory.
Ongoing thing. So there wasn't, you know, there was kind of like a sense, but it felt
like it was the Lord where it was like, we were, you know, we've been apart, you and I haven't
caught up in a while, but I just walking through all this, especially like the autoimmune stuff and
it amping up over the past several months, as far as like the physical side of things,
cause there was already, you know, the spiritual emotional. And then it's like, now there's like
more physical symptoms through, I would say like from the end of May, which is the last hearing
to now, like there's been a whole slew of things where it's like, now it's bringing in
like my counselor, she, she, she had, she actually used the word sack, like offering as a,
as a sacrifice like last week. And it's interesting because we were talking about these.
One of the ways it shows up is like, has been this insomnia slash like spiritual attack,
but then I don't know. Now I've got like a hormonal imbalance issue,
which I never dealt with before. Again, like that's something that I was like, Oh,
at least I don't have hormone imbalance. Like a lot of my friends are dealing with this, you know,
40 ish. And that's still very young, but a lot of them are in the day we live in.
And so I'm thinking, okay, that, you know, that's at least there's not that. And then
my naturopath, he's a strong believer is like, well, we're looking at like estrogen dominance
and, you know, going these routes of that's been a really frustrating process because I only see
him every three months out of town. And in between I'm living every day with like, I feel like I'm
dying sometimes. Like, it's just, it's, it's what you're describing. It was like the perfect
description. Like it's like crawling through your body. Like I've got this burning itching
psoriasis, but also in my ears. And then my ears it's led from like,
to just suddenly like so many earaches and ear pain day after day in the middle of the night
and night is in the year. And so, but the hormonal things, it's hard to even to tell
like, is this spiritual attack or is this hormonal? Because around my cycle suddenly
also with that comes to like PMS that I've never dealt with. And I'm going,
I feel like my body is crawling.
my cycle. And this has only happened a few times over the summer in my life where I'm like, oh my
gosh, what's happening. And then I hit some kind of period insomnia where I can't sleep for a week.
And I feel like all the symptoms on top of it that are day to day on top of that, I like,
I'm like, how am I going to even make it through the day, um, on little sleep and,
and just in, in the spiritual type. But she was saying like, offer that, like, if you can offer
when you wake up from that, not knowing what is spiritual necessarily, or what's hormonal
or how they're playing together. And tell the Lord, like, I don't know, I don't know where
this is coming from. I don't, you know, I don't know how to fix it, but like, I offer it to you
as a sacrifice. Um, uh, that was like, that reminded me of what you were just saying, like
choosing, choosing him in spite of it all choosing him over it, choosing him in the midst of it and
not knowing really having a lot of answers, um, surrounding it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Choosing him. And when I do let go, I feel like you said, like, there's that, that is,
I feel like I'm getting closer to the answer and then the, the pain, the constant, like grading,
like, like, what can I do? What am I doing wrong? And I think it's actually attached to,
to a lie that like, I need to break agreement with because the Lord really has set me free
from that lie. Um, that I'm bad and that there's something like really wrong with me or evil
about me. And I had shared that with you and some close friends and mentors along the way,
especially this year. And it's like, I broke agreement with that, like replaced that. And
it was huge that the spiritual attacks that were coming, the night terrors, whatever they were
every, almost every night, like they, they went from like almost every night to like,
maybe once every couple of weeks. That's amazing. That's wonderful. I mean, that is huge. You don't
even know how many months we were like, okay. I mean, even if it could just be a reprieve,
you know? So like agreeing with that lie was huge, but then the enemy or whatever,
whether we call it the enemy or my own perceptions, my own shadow, whatever,
like I, the past few weeks, there's been all this breakthrough with the Lord. And he had me like,
he just spoke to me in such dramatic way a few weeks ago, kind of pulled me over. I'm one of
those accosting kind of moments. And then I felt so much peace in my body. I was like, I'm like
drunk. I am like so high right now. I don't even know what's happening. You know? I mean, I've had
lots of encounters with the Lord, but not like where this euphoric peace just takes over my body
from all these auto-immune pains and symptoms and whatever. And suddenly all I feel is euphoria.
So I'm like, wow. Okay. Like I'm listening. And he was speaking and speaking and it was really
profound. And then he had me go to this event and was like, you're the woman with the issue of
blood, which he's been speaking to me about for a year and a half since my honeymoon. He said
during my honeymoon of all times, you're the woman with the issue of blood.
And so I'm thinking, okay, like I've been wrestling with him, you know, throughout this
time, 18 months, like, okay, what, looking at that story multiple, multiple times, what does that
say about, you know, my situation, me, what do you, what are you asking Lord of me? That kind
of thing. And then he said it again that day and was like, I want you to go. It's like an issue of
the woman with the issue of blood. And I'm like there, I had found out about this gathering that
was in St. Louis that my mentors are like part of my Australian mentors, Nate and Christy Johnston
have partnered with this other woman and whatever, and they're doing this thing together.
And I didn't even know that because I'm not on social media at all. So I completely missed that,
but through a friend, Amber, you know, her she had moved to Missouri and she ends up saying this
and I'm kind of was like, you know, when you're kind of like, you can't do all the things you
want to do because of your condition or whatever your pain you're in, you know, you have to say no
to a lot of things. And so I was kind of like, I've been in the season for a year and a half
or gradually of this rest sabbatical. And I'm like, Lord, my mentors are coming so close by.
And I didn't even know, like, I was just so kind of offended at first. And then he spoke to me.
It was like, you're going to go. And I was like, what? I'm not going, you know, like I would say,
I would say no to it if it wasn't like directly, the Lord told me to go and he did. And so we ended
up going and receiving prayer and I have, and a lot of things happened. And so it was like,
then all of the slew of everything felt like it just came on me again, like attack. I hate to
use that because I know, again, we don't, we don't have to succumb to spiritual attack, but
as soon as all those, that, that week was over with like significance of what the Lord was doing
and speaking. And I mean, the prayer, I believe there was like a lot of forgiveness that was
released. And also I believe deliverance to like, I don't, I don't think that just because the
tinnitus didn't immediately go away, that there wasn't major breakthrough. I know there was,
you know what I mean? So depending on that, when the end.
comes again or whatever lies. And like, look, see, like you're making this up. Like that,
like that wasn't really that big of a deal. And God's not really speaking to you. Like you think
he is like, look at all your symptoms again, like they're not gone. And now it just hitting me
harder with all this full force of like the emotional, the spiritual attacks and the physical
symptoms all the past couple of weeks have been added like an all-time high. So it's one of those,
like he tries to make you think, or you, your perceptions, whatever the enemy is trying to make
you think that you didn't get receive healing, that you're not whatever, that that didn't happen.
So you almost want to like fall more into despair because it's like, I thought this,
but apparently, you know what I mean? It's almost like apparently not. But that's not really the
case. It's just these old lies are trying to come back around. And I think that's what,
why I brought it up is that I think that lie that I'm bad, like I deserve bad things is trying to
resurface that I wrote to say like, okay, well, when these symptoms are coming upon you and the
fact that you have all this autoimmune stuff going on, no doctors know anything you're even going to
a naturopath and they, you know, they can only do so much, you know, like, but I'm almost getting
like frustrated too with that. Cause I'm like, okay, I'm only seeing him every three months.
And then in between, he doesn't know what's going on. And I don't feel
hurt. I don't feel like I have actual support in the day to day of navigating because I'm to
the point where like, I can barely move sometimes, or I'm trying to eat anti candida diet because
I'm dealing with like what they say syndrome, a candida systemic fungal infection that's now in
my ears, that's causing, you know, pain and tinnitus and ringing and all of this. And I've
got, you know, headaches and pains, psoriasis, itching, burning, burning in my ears. Like
every day, all day, I'm supposed to only be eating meat and vegetables. I was supposed to
be only eating that. And when it comes to a hormonal week with this new PMS, whatever, I,
I didn't make my own bone broth and I didn't do all the anti candida diet stuff. Like I didn't
do it perfectly because I was just in such survival. And I can beat myself up going like,
I'm not doing all the right things. Cause for this fungal infection, you need to starve off
all forms of sugar. What, you know, any dairy, sugar grains, anything that can turn to sugar
and be really, really strict. But then that's kind of back on me. But I think the overall thing is
like almost agreeing with unknowingly this, this lie that it has something to do with me. And that
like, it's happening because there's something wrong with me or I deserve bad things. And
that's where I can see lately those things colliding where it's like, I'm tempted to
partner with that belief that, okay, there's some, like, if this is bad, this is a threat,
like you said, like, this means bad things about me. And I'm trapped, like I'm stuck. I'm,
you know, this, this can't be good. Right. Kind of thing. I'm believing that versus
I actually have several friends that are going through this, like close friends,
cause I only talk to my close friends right now that are going through this. And I know
there's gotta be a lot more of us that are going through some type of auto-immune type of
chronic attack or whatever you call it, but then to not call it attack and to not talk about it
can be really isolating. You know, like you have to find ways to talk, especially with like close
friends to not feel like you're the only one or to like work through and remember the truth,
but then also you don't want to refer to it as, oh, I'm going to do this, this, this, this,
and this, and this, you know, and, and start to believe that it's a threat, like you were saying.
So, so how do you acknowledge it and not deny that you're walking through it and that it's
difficult? You know what I mean? And relate to people on it, but also not engage with that.
Like I'm in lack and this is a threat and all of that. And the other thing is for me, probably
like, where is this? I'm bad or I deserve this. Or if I'm going through this, it means that I'm
bad. Things are going to happen or that I I'm going to continue to get bad things. Like it's,
it's kind of that probably mix of like hypervigilance from trauma, which is just
says like, there's always issues going to drop. You know what I mean? Where it's like I'm living
in that, but then I'm living it out through my body too, through these symptoms to where.
It just feels so debilitating. Like, I don't know how to sometimes break the emotional
ties, the spiritual lie, you know, and the physical manifestation of how it's coming out.
Like separate those and go, like you were saying, my body is good and God is good in my body. And,
you know, but I'm finding that when we do partner in those ways, that's the best that it gets.
Like when I do let go and I do, I'm just, you know, like releasing to the Lord and
letting him in and those kinds of thoughts.
and those belief systems that I'm choosing. And I'm saying, I choose this, you know, I choose
whatever, those are the best times. So I'm onto something you're onto something there, you know?
Yeah. Um, well, uh, one thing, you know, faith isn't faith if we're denying reality
in order to choose this. So if we're going to choose this, we have to acknowledge that this
is still going on. This is how I feel like, like physically, this is how I feel. And emotionally,
this is how I feel, you know, just acknowledging the reality of life and choosing God in,
in the face of that reality, because all we're doing is we're choosing to value and to give
authority to one reality over another. They both exist at the same time. So it's not like, well,
this is true or this is true. No, they're both true at the same time. Which one are you going
to give the authority and the power to? So that's what we're doing. So like you said, you know,
we never want to deny the reality of this is how I'm physically feeling. This is what's
physically going on. This is emotionally how I feel about it, et cetera. Um, so that's very
important. Um, I'm sorry, I'm trying to remember, um, all of, I thought of several things where you
were talking that I was concerned. I'm so sorry. I wasn't going to remember, but let me know. You'd
ask me some questions. So you'd asked me two specific questions. So can you remind me what
the, um, but then this is my process, like all the time. So I feel like different questions,
but it's, it's sort of, so it's not your fault at all because it's, it is like sort of that.
Like you said, I'm not sure for my own self, how to articulate it and tell anyone about it. It's
very rare that I talk to anybody like I'm talking to you, um, about it because of that. And they
have to have the experience to even begin to understand. Yeah. Just why I'm where I'm at,
you know? Um, but I think it's something you're asking me, like something that you're wanting.
I'm trying to, you know, address that. And I'm like, okay, so, so which one, and I'm trying to,
and I thought of things where you were talking and then, but then as weird as it was, you'd go
to the next thing and I'd remit. And I think it's something there. And then I forget.
So you sound like trying to follow my verbal processing. So I should,
no, no, no. I followed it. It was just my response and remembering
what he wants to in the moment and then he completely forgets. So it's like a thing that
finally told me that this happens a lot for him and that he doesn't, you know,
like he was not even saying it for a long time and now we've been addressing it where it's like,
looking on saying when I'm just verbally processing, as in, I just want to then to kind
of, yeah. And then, um, get to the actual part where I'm like, okay, so I'd like to understand
this or have a conversation about such and such and kind of give him a few sentences at a time.
So that can be like a dialogue verbally processing. And now we can get to like more specifics. Um,
yeah, I did think of something though that I was going to say, and one of them was,
so I don't remember like which place this inserts into, but you'll know. I mean,
like what thing that you've got, but yeah, I understand. I you're like me,
I'm a verbal processor as well. So I'm like at all, at all.
But, uh, so, and that is something that, um, that Ed constantly reminds me as, and that is that,
um, uh, that, you know, actually when you've done something, cause you were talking about
like, you've already prayed to the Lord, you, you know, and even though you didn't see a physical
manifestation of the tech and the tinnitus going away, you knew that there had been a change,
but, and there had been a breakthrough, but that you were, you were frustrated with the, um, with
the fact that emotional, spiritual and physical symptoms were coming up again, you know, and just
all like all at once. And, um, and so therefore it creates, you know, doubt, even though we don't
want it, it just creates doubt. Well, I, um, it was something that he reminds me of. He was, um,
I'm doing a breakthrough program right now and, um, I'm almost done with it, but, um,
I'm supposed to finish last week, but I got sick and he was reminding them of the same thing.
And that is, um, when we're healing the process and like believing the Lord and going through
like spiritual healing and, you know, quote unquote deliverance and things like that is we
have to choose that. We have to remember God's the one who does everything. We're not doing it.
We're not, we're coming into agreement with it. Yeah. But we're not causing it to happen. We're
not delivering ourselves. We're not healing ourselves. We're
not breaking something off. He is the one doing it. We're just coming into agreement with him
with the fact that we are not in bondage to that anymore. And that's what breaks it off
is because he does it that we come into agreement with the fact that he says this is true.
And that's what breaks it hold on us is we're simply coming into agreement with the fact that
he's done something and that he's doing something. And so because everything is a gift from the Lord,
the Bible says, including faith. So even our agreement, or, you know, so the thing is that
when we're in place of like, not not just in the moment when we're asking the Lord to be
delivered to something or to get breakthrough or to or to be healed, or we're choosing faith
or whatever, not just in the moment, but later in the residual, like for instance, for you,
the past couple of weeks or whatever, when all these questions start up. So in the moment,
and after we have to choose that God really is who he says that he is, and that he did what he
said he's going to do. And that that he really did do the thing. Because otherwise, we question,
oh, I wonder if it worked. I wonder if I did it right. I wonder if I followed the form spiritual
formula, right to release myself of this and to break this. And I wonder if I really did come
into agreement. And I wonder, and we have to choose. And we think that we are questioning
ourselves. We think, Oh, no, God says everything, right? I probably just didn't understand or I
didn't whatever. And we have to choose that. And while yeah, there is a journey on stuff like that.
What my point is, we have to remember that God's the one who does everything anyway.
We have to be consistent in our faith, that what he did in healing us and delivering us
and breaking those chains off or whatever really did happen. And understand that we'll have like
physical manifestations of stuff that look like it didn't happen. Because we're like, well,
surely this with the church, surely the chain reaction of doing this would have caused this
and because this didn't happen, well, then maybe this didn't happen.
It's that whole thing of like, which reality both or both are true, which one are you going to get
the power and the authority to the fact that you're still seeing this or the fact that God
said this and you stood in agreement with him on this. So again, that whole aspect of like,
there's this there's this discrepancy or this gap between where the two realities are
coexisting at the same time. And which one are you going to choose? And that whole,
in the whole, that's that that period in which we call it waiting on the Lord.
We're waiting on the Lord for our healing in our physical bodies and our most emotionally
in our spiritual maturity. You know, we're that we're in that we're in that. And in that,
that gap, at least coexisting at once is called that waiting on the Lord. So that's something
that I would encourage you with is that remember during those times that you don't
under
it's not obligation. You're not under
you're not forced. There's a word for it, but to maybe coerced. Yeah. And you're you don't have to
what we think is happening. And therefore it's a reality I have to acknowledge
and reality that we acknowledge. We think there's all of these meanings to it that we're,
that we're thinking we have to acknowledge. This is like the, the everyday thing pause
for just a second, because I just need to communicate that this is, this is the kicker,
like what you're on right now. Cause I know a lot of things are important and a lot of things
resonate. I need to, to pipe up because this is like, this is where the rubber meets the road
for me. This is the constant cyclical battle. And even again, my counselor was saying, she,
she was saying, it's like the I'm hearing like the, it's like the dichotomy between this reality
and this world, this world and this world, like there's some kind of don't know how to bridge that.
But specifically what you were just saying is, is huge. And I want to make sure
that I'm understanding, I guess, because it is such a constant that I haven't fully resolved.
You know? Yeah. And you were talking about the fact that both realities are existing at once
or a specific aspect. I don't know if I can wholly remember. This is what happens when
you're on like two nights of sleep out of 10. So forgive me my brain. It's like, um, definitely,
I guess that, yeah, holding both at once, like definitely not be so black and white,
but to see both, but also to not what you were saying about not having, not having to,
or being bound to, to, um, question or doubt. I don't know how you were saying that, but like,
there's a three-step process. So let's think of it like this. In fact, this is something that I
was just teaching my, uh, that I'm currently in the middle of teaching my breakthrough program
because it's like the last few sessions. So it's fresh on my mind. Cause I was just talking to
somebody in my program about a couple of days ago, the very first thing that we have to do.
So Lord, you know, Hey, good timing. You know, the Lord has this fresh on my mind
because he prompted you to reach out and like, okay, so hopefully this will be helpful.
Cause this is just something that I came to a realization to, um, cause I wrote it into the
program. I'm like, okay, well, you know, this is, this is important. These are important elements.
But then when I was talking to one of the ladies in the group, just the other day, I realized,
oh my word, that's like literally the three-step kind of like process.
I bet that hopefully gives, hopefully like breaks it down for people to be able to grab a hold of.
And so all of this, including myself, and that's what I built the whole program off of was my own
experience. How did I get breakthrough? What worked versus, and then just forget everything
that didn't work. So in a very short program, or this is something that you're in being coached
through or you're coaching. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And so the very first thing is, um, is to fully
that the, the letting go, the fully accepting oneself as one is and bought. And the reason
to bring this up is, you know, you're talking about like, this is the reality, you know, that
I'm, I'm feeling this way physically, I'm feeling this way, emotionally, I'm struggling this way,
spiritually, you know, bit and fully accepting yourself as you are, including all of the things
that you don't fully, um, know yet that you're struggling with. So in other words, you're
struggling, but you haven't been able to articulate all of the areas, you know, um, or, and maybe you
don't even know them all yet, you know, so you fully accept yourself, body, soul, and spirit.
Those all have individual struggles. And you fully accept your body, you fully accept your
soul, you fully accept your spirit, and you fully accept God, all of those things exactly as they
are, meaning the good, the bad, and the ugly. And with God, obviously nothing is ever bad or ugly.
But the thing that we're struggling with is the fact that we feel that way about him. Sometimes
there are certain areas in which we're feeling bad with. So we have to fully accept
who it is that we are, where we are, like where we are on the journey. Again, good, bad, and the ugly.
And then who God says that he is, and we don't know who that is. So the important part about this
step is you have to fully surrender yourself and choose to accept, to be a safe place
for where all those things can just make you.
Say that again. Sometimes, sometimes your audio goes out, so it's okay.
But no, no worries. I just wanted to catch that line one more time.
Yeah. Sorry. I can't figure out if my AirPods are going out. I need to find new ones. Excuse me.
So, so the thing is that we have to fully accept God and ourselves just as we are. And shoot,
I forgot what I, exactly how I worded that. We question him or something like,
sometimes we wrestle with if he's good because of the circumstances or.
Oh, I don't remember what I was saying. That's good. But anyway,
act as we do. I'll come back around to it as I, as I process through it again. So, but just the
fact that, you know, we have to fully accept God, you know, as he, Oh, that's what I was saying.
Fully accept God in our spirit, our soul, and our body individually as they are without fully
knowing what that is. That we've been able to figure out that we've been to have to face
that have evidence themselves that we've understood that we have to deal with. And
we're aware that we have to deal with them, but there are other things about ourselves and about
God that are so deep. We haven't gotten to them yet. And we're.
choosing. Oh, maybe this is what I was saying. We're choosing to be a safe place for the
reality of all four of those things. God, really it's just God and ourselves, but God
and the three parts of ourselves, the spirit, soul, and body to exist in our presence. That's
what I said. Basically, it's like this. Think of a parent creating a safe place for their
child to have a tantrum, or to be messy, or to make mistakes, or to bumble around trying to
figure out how to get it all to work, or how does it work, and then not quite executing it correctly
all the time. But a parent providing a safe place for a child to be who it is while it's trying to
figure out its emotions, how to express them, what to do, how to do this. Did I do it correctly?
She's teaching me. Did I do it right? Yeah, I spilled the milk this time.
Being the safe parent, in other words, a being that provides a space, an environment,
and acceptance for God, your spirit, your soul, and your body to exist with you just as they are,
even all of the bad, even all the bad and the ugly. Okay, I have this much so far provides
provide a safe environment and acceptance for all these four to exist with God. Yeah,
and all those parts of the parts of you to exist with you just as they are without ever changing.
Because they can only change, like, for instance, the things that you want in your body,
your soul, your spirit. Well, not your spirit. Spirit's perfect. But what I meant, your soul
and body. And the reason I mentioned your spirit is your soul and your body are in opposition
against your spirit, because they're afraid. Remember, they're afraid of their own spirit,
because their spirit agrees with the Lord. And so they don't think it's safe, because they don't
think God is provider. So therefore, they don't think the spirit, which is always one with the
father, they don't think that their spirit is providing for them, that kind of thing.
But anyway, so you provide a safe place for all for your, your, for all aspects, you know,
God's spirit, soul and body to be who it is, they are even your soul and your body with all of the
bad and ugly, all of the things that they aren't, that they aren't acting right in right now, like,
say, for instance, your body, think of it like, with all of its health issues, think of it kind
of like a child, acting out, or not acting out, messily trying to do the right thing,
because it's afraid. Its root base is fear. And therefore, because it's afraid, it's making these
decisions. And you're going, Oh, my word, those are very destructive actions. But why is it doing
it? It's doing it because it's afraid. It's doing it because it has a false belief that it's
abandoned and alone. And that it's in lack and that God's not going to heal it. And then it's
subject to vulnerable to and weak to all of these things that might come at it. You know, I don't
know anything that's coming up from inside, or like your emotions, or anything from the outside,
like fragrances or whatever, right. And so being a safe place for your body to be messy for the
fact that your body is simply trying to do your body and your soul are simply just trying to
protect you. They're, they're, they're based in, they're basing all of their decisions, all of
their actions on fear, though, on unbelief, unbelief is like your own version of or your,
your articulation of what I've understood internal family systems to mean through my Christian
counselor, because it's like, we're working through the acceptance of all the parts of me,
the stunted, like parts of me as a little girl, she calls them littles. Yeah, we all have. And
she said, it's like a whole spectrum that she, she said, I don't actually see any like disorder
in you on the spectrum. I think that like, it's, it's healthy and natural coming through trauma
and complex trauma to have for all of us to have these parts that are stunted, or that never got
to accept fully accept them. And what's come out the past few months is that I, I guess, like,
I've had, I've had to come to terms with, I mean, the Lord had already started to point to this,
that I have been the one to be the slave driver and the task, like the, like the one that's like,
you need to like, sit down and shut up to all of the littles, former versions of me as a little
girl that never got to be saved, that were never able to speak out when I was abused or whatever
was happening to my mom, when she was being abused, whatever. And I had to choke it all
back and then just decide, well, I must be the problem. I must be bad because my parents,
my caregivers, they couldn't be bad. They're the.
authority. So I was, and so then I, but I further through the
protectors, which you were just talking about the protectors,
like, I could feel it like a wave go through my body when you
said it, like I felt from here all the way down, like my whole
torso, this wave, and I think it has to do with, because you're
describing what it is that we're processing right now and
beginning to like, come to is like, unless I reparent and
fully accept all the parts of me and the littles that never
got to be loved or accepted and safe, then I'm shoving them
down and telling them to sit down and shut up. And I want to
ignore and deny them so I can move on without them without
like, as if like, I can correct. I don't I don't want to
remember them. Like, that's, that's how I'm living. I don't
want to remember you. And the protectors in me are like, we
don't have to go back there. Jesus died, he paid for it. So
why do we need to go back? Correct. Right? Because she
said, Jesus, and especially when he comes into these, and we,
you know, he comes into these memories and things. He's, he's
allowing or even maybe inviting us to go back, not because not
because the gospel isn't true, or that we're under any kind of
old anything, but because he's honoring, he wants to honor that
what happened to us, like, what happened to us that never was,
was acknowledged or dealt with. He wants to acknowledge and
honor that because it mattered. And it matters. No, it's not the
totality of who we are. It is a big part of who we are. And if
we just deny the past, and we don't acknowledge it and fully
like, integrated as and get like the healing so we can be whole,
all the parts of us can be wholly functioning together,
where some aren't being told to sit down and shut up. And some
aren't trying to protect when they don't need to anymore. And
it means then we can be in harmony. So
it's bringing salvation to all the other parts of you. You're
you're completely saved. It's just that it's not like we're
being saved. It's that you're bringing you're working out your
salvation, you're you're bringing the salvation to the
different aspects of your soul and basically declaring, Hey,
look, I just want to let you know you're I'm declaring
freedom to the captives.
And by the way, you didn't think you were free. I'm letting you
know that the prices are to be paid and you're now free. And
so you're bringing redemption, you're bringing that redemption
and that and that salvation to those different aspects of you,
so that they can finally grow. But the only way that they can
grow is that they feel if they feel safe enough to change.
Always it's all safe is if as weird as it sounds is if we
don't require them to change, we fully accept them as they are in
the middle of their mess, we're not ever requiring them to
change. And the important thing about that and the reason that
it's not a the reason that it's not a an issue to accept it, as
it's because we have a fear that Oh my goodness, if I accept it
like that, I'm saying it's okay. I'm approving of its actions.
I'm approving of the fact that it's based on things and fear
and unbelief. No, no, we're not. We're not approving of it.
We're not saying that it's okay. We're saying the thing or the
being or the entity that is making that choice that part of
ourselves that is making that choice, it's fully accepted by
us, even though those are the types of choices that it is
choosing to make. We're not requiring that it make
different choices in order to be fully accepted. So and the thing
is that God created all of those parts of us to operate in a
specific way and they're operating unnaturally right now.
So once they feel fully safe with us that we fully accept
them as it is that they are, they will naturally change why
because they're going to default back to their natural state. The
reason that they're not in their natural state is because they
don't feel they don't feel that that is is safe. And so they
don't feel safe. So they're locked down.
They aren't allowed to and until they're allowed to.
Yeah, and as weird as it sounds, it really makes a huge
difference to allow someone to fully be who it is that they are
acting out and doing all of that. You know, it means like
these different parts of ourselves because the its
natural state is is belief in the Lord. That's how it was
created. So finally, it feels safe enough, it doesn't want to
act unnaturally more, it takes a lot of effort on its part to act
in a natural and naturally by sinning and an unbelief and
operating from fear, etc. Your body wasn't created to operate
in a way that it's operating right now, meaning like, it was
created to operate in health, you know, in wholeness, that's
how God created it. And this thing is the, the, the, the, the
symptoms that you
have are a result of sin being in the world. That is not how God created Adam and Eve's bodies,
you know, but, um, it's because there are sins that, that, um, that the wages of sin,
that it's having to bear, you know, through the seat of Adam that, you know, in other words,
the, you know, like in Romans eight, it's a frustration, you know, groaning and anticipation.
Literally last night, me and Nick on the way home, we quoted that verse and we thought of you,
we were like, remember Ashley would say, yeah, it's, I love that whole chapter. So it's very,
very powerful. And there's a lot of spirit. There's a lot of meat, very foundational meat
in that one passage. I mean, in that one chapter, but anyway, um, so, um, you know,
that that's an aspect of ourselves. That's just simply waiting to be free. And so the only,
it will naturally default. It might take some time. It's again, it might take some time for
it to believe that you really are providing it a safe place. And it'll probably not intentionally,
but it'll test you. And it'll like push the boundary and like, yeah, but what if I do this?
And yeah, but what if I do this? And it's not intentionally testing you. I just mean,
you're going to be tested. And the fact that it's going to your determination and your fortitude
and your sincerity, that's where I'm trying to find your sincerity of what you mean is going
to be tested because it's, they're going to your bet. Those boundaries are going to be pushed.
Yeah. But what if I act like this? What if this happens? What if whatever, they're not going to
intentionally oppose you like that? It's just an acting out and your sincerity is going to be
tested. Are you going to have to, are you going to stay with your original sincerity that, Hey,
I fully accept you even though you're, you're acting out right now, even though you, even though
my symptom got worse over here, even though whatever, this is the way, this is the new
instruction. I acted out like that. I literally acted out, but I was, it was leading into my
marriage with my ex that I, I, I, I saw that happen. Like it's, it sounded wild, but I was
like testing him to see if he was safe, which in the end, but I chose him. I let him back in anyway,
even though I literally, he did something when I was like putting myself out there vulnerably to
test, like, are you safe? And he abandoned me in it. And I took off in my car and was gone,
like done. And it turned into like a high speed chase literally on the highway in the rain.
And when he got to the place where he had me cornered on a cul-de-sac, I had my doors locked,
everything, I was freaked out. And then he like kicked my tire and like, was like yelling or
something. And that even further freaked me out, but somehow he, he, you know what I mean?
He kind of weaseled his way back in or whatever to be like, Oh no, I am safe. But I'm saying like,
that is the best example that I have when I was engaged to him is when I was testing the boundaries
or the little girl parts of me, cause I was only 20, you know, we're testing the boundaries,
you know, to say like, are you really going to be there when, you know, and I, and I had
conversations with him, like, Hey, we're going to need counseling. Are you committed to this? I
almost called off the wedding. Cause I was like, I don't know if you understand that we're going to
need to be intentional with, with getting wisdom and healing and help. And yes, yes, yes, yes. And
then no, no, no. Like in the marriage, but I guess that is really important. Like, but I feel like I
say that too, because it reminds me of that also is shut down. Once I did marry him and there was
no, you know what I mean? There was no more like, I wasn't really safe from the beginning to test
anymore. Like there were things that were going on and that he was doing that. Yeah. I understand
learn to shut it all down. And then I never really tested it again. So it's almost like I have to let
myself go back there, but I'm the one being there for myself. Like I'm choosing myself and I'm
reparenting the littles that never got to be parented, you know, by choosing that I'm going
to be there no matter what they do, no matter what, how they act out. Yeah, correct. Yeah,
exactly. And I'm so sorry. Can you excuse me just one moment? Yeah. Sorry.
you
okay sorry about that and I actually have another appointment that I have to
brush off yeah but just to wrap and just to wrap back um the yeah it what
you're talking about it's correct you have to we have to both ourselves with
with everything meaning like all of the bad me ugly etc and we have to do that
without fully knowing what it is we're going to find what is we're going to
find about ourselves etc then the second step is to allow those things to come up
you know allow emotions to come up and and the physical things and fully face
reality fully face what it is that we're seeing with the manifestations were
seeing etc and not and not judging them like I said it's going to be like you're
going to be tested it's not like anyone's intentionally testing you it's
that the things it's that your your sincerity it's going to be it's going to
have to withstand I don't know like not up what kind of like opposition but it's
it's going to have to it's that it needs to prove that it really is sincere that
it really was serious that this wasn't conditional in other words that your
sincerity is unconditional because that's what you said it was you hateful
except you well you know then that means that you're actually going to have to go
through situations that are going to prove that we're you're going to have to
prove it and the only way you can prove it is by continually choosing in those
situations know this is what I choose I choose to fully accept I choose to not
reject you know that whole thing that you were talking about about like that
person that self rejection of those different parts of yourself or the self
hatred or whatever those are very big deals and so like you said when you
kind of agreement with them you have these huge it affects your life in a
huge way like it did like even how it manifested with and the removal of the
night terrors and so that's the second step is so the first one is fully fully
choose to be a safe place for yourself to make mistakes and to accept all the
good bad me ugly about both yourself and God meaning like whatever you find out
about God and whether or not you like the fact that that's how he is you know
and then the same thing with yourself well accepting all the different parts
of you as they are whether or not you like them and then and because what
you're doing is you're not accepting what it is that those parts of you were
doing you're accepting the parts that are making the decisions the entities
that are making those decisions etc then from that you then once you choose that
you're a safe place then you actually have to act on it you have to face all
of the things instead of rejecting or stifling or whatever and fully
acknowledge those things are there in other words you get to know you you get
to know yourself and you get to know God and then the third one is how is then
you proactively engage with yourself and with God in light of the fact that
you're fully accepting everything as it is you're fully facing the reality of it
and then now you're going to proactively engage with all those parts being what
they are you know and you do that you fully engage with it from the
perspective that you are who God says that you are that he is who he says that
he is and that you are who he says that you are meaning that you are in the you
are one with Christ you're completely unified with the Lord and you are
standing in and being unified with him you have all of his power and authority
and everything else is under your feet that is the position that you're in and
it's not like oh I get to you know eat bonbons and do whatever I want and make
all of these like
freeze that all of these other parts of my kingdom have to obey and aren't I all powerful
and therefore everything's about serving me it's it's the opposite it's like we just like
Christ gave us as an example of we are our servants to in other words we're not servants
to we serve those within our kingdom you know we serve our spirit our soul and our body
we provide a safe place our spirit provides a safe place for our soul and our body we
give to it what God's we are to it what God is to us you know king over us and takes care
of provides protects etc we're the provider and the protector for our soul and our body
and so it's a very proactive approach it's a very um it's an it's an approach of uh where
you are well yeah it's proactive but you um you're approaching life on on the offensive
instead of the defensive what do I want to create what do I want to build as opposed
to what am I going to have to deal with and what am I going to have to respond to you
know it's like what am I doing what am I choosing um you know what am I building it's all towards
the positive as opposed to negative of like what am I going to have to respond to react
to so anyway those are the three steps and I'm really sorry I have to go but if you wanted
to schedule some the next time you want to schedule something you know just let me know
I hope this has been helpful yes a lot um yeah I think I might have one like follow-up
question that I can maybe message you or what would be a good way to well we could just
schedule another time for that um I was just in terms of like that what what how I perceive
the enemy like do I give the enemy any like oh the enemy is doing this or that or is it
like so that's kind of goes into another question just with how the enemy is we perceive it
rightly to to proceed is this like I need to take authority over the enemy or is the
enemy my own like lack of partnering with what is now true in the new covenant of me
you know what I mean like is it my own belief system and lies that I'm looking at as the
enemy or like the devil you know yeah well either way they're not a threat yeah I don't
really pay too much attention I mean just in general or is it the devil now certain
times yeah you need it's it's um you know you do kind of need to like narrow it down
and figure out okay well if it's him you know do I need to be delivered of something do
I need to be um or or whatever but unless it's something like that I don't really see
that it to me I could be I could be wrong just in general let me just explain it like
that I don't know everything which is it just in general I don't it doesn't matter if it's
me or if it's him because I have to deal with it the same way just I come out of agreement
with it it's not true regardless of whether it's being imposed it's being imposed on me
or not but think about it even when Satan came against you the only way that it worked
was that you've had to come into agreement with it so regardless of whether Eve initiated
it herself you know out of her own thoughts and fears or Satan came and tried to convince
her either way she was the one who had to agree so in a way it doesn't matter what the
source was you know was it was it Satan that planted the seed in it you know in your mind
or was it your own your own fears and the chain reaction of like oh well then this and
all I wear well no no regardless you had to come into agreement with it or you're being
tempted to come into agreement with it so you just come out of agreement so generally
speaking either way it didn't bother me you know I'm just like whatever now if I feel
now you know how this is sometimes you just kind of like go through a whole bunch of things
like well it could be this and it could be definitely could be this so it could be a
spirit of this I don't know if it is but if it is that spirit I'm just gonna renounce
that spirit right now and just you know so it may not be that spirit it may not be the
spirit of deception it may not be the spirit of infirmity it may not be the spirit of whatever
but it might be so I just like okay you know I address it and and I don't worry about well
I wonder if it was or not because again I'm not trying to go through life figuring out
formulas so that I can get them all to work when I want to get out of whatever it is I'm in I just
I just kind of deal with stuff and I move on and I just focus on I try to just focus on the Lord
and on on on the positive and on the faith and then I'm like okay well regardless the source
let's just knock out some potential sources and whatever it is I'm coming out of agreement with
them is that helpful yes thank you so much yes that really makes sense okay well
Love you, girl.
Thank you so much for making time less than last day.
Until next time, you too, bye.