WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:12.480 Hey, hey, how are you guys doing? 2 00:00:12.480 --> 00:00:15.680 Good. Great to be with you all. 3 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:21.200 Just check. Yes. 4 00:00:21.200 --> 00:00:24.400 Very good. Sounds as it should be. 5 00:00:24.400 --> 00:00:34.520 And we will just check a little bit with you guys right now as people get ready to jump in the Zoom room. 6 00:00:34.520 --> 00:00:45.000 But some fun news is that the book and this is the this is the this is the workbook for singles on here. 7 00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:47.280 That's not very seen it very well. 8 00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:48.560 Just the reflection on the screen. 9 00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:52.880 They go not so great, but they go. 10 00:00:52.880 --> 00:01:00.720 That's the. Oh, that's the seven second pathway, 11 00:01:00.720 --> 00:01:09.240 since we see in a workbook for singles and then there's a workbook for couples, which is done as well. 12 00:01:09.240 --> 00:01:12.680 We're going to be releasing them in just a few days. 13 00:01:12.680 --> 00:01:18.440 So we've got it all. We're just making a couple of tiny little little edits on the main book. 14 00:01:18.440 --> 00:01:21.560 And then we're going to release it to you guys. 15 00:01:21.560 --> 00:01:24.240 But it's all pretty much done just a couple of tiny little things. 16 00:01:24.240 --> 00:01:29.280 And so we're pretty excited about that in sharing this journey together. 17 00:01:29.280 --> 00:01:33.000 So, oh, I can't see this very well. 18 00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:37.920 Just the reflections of things that this is a lot of fun, these workbooks. 19 00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:41.200 So you're going to get a lot of good value out of that. 20 00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:47.600 So we'll be sending everyone the workbooks next week. 21 00:01:47.600 --> 00:01:50.040 So that is awesome. 22 00:01:50.040 --> 00:01:53.200 Sorry, dancing around each other here. 23 00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:55.440 That's right. We like dancing. 24 00:01:55.440 --> 00:02:01.880 And we are also, what are we doing? 25 00:02:01.880 --> 00:02:08.639 We really were hanging out for a second here to check and check that this is streaming. 26 00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:13.040 I was doing it. Hey, for you beautiful people in Adorkis. 27 00:02:13.040 --> 00:02:17.080 Great to see you. Facebook world people give us a little shout out. 28 00:02:17.080 --> 00:02:19.840 Great to be with you. 29 00:02:19.840 --> 00:02:27.160 If you can, come jump in here in the Zoom room with us so we can have a little bit of fun. 30 00:02:27.160 --> 00:02:34.000 And yeah, we've got a fun session lined up for you today. 31 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:38.480 We're quite keen as well to have a little bit of Q&A with you guys too. 32 00:02:38.480 --> 00:02:41.360 So Facebook people, if you feel chatty. 33 00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:43.720 Oh, yeah. 34 00:02:43.720 --> 00:02:49.840 Niamh from Ireland jumping in here. That's so cool. 35 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:55.000 Yeah, we're stoked to be jumping into this session. 36 00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:59.360 And we will be doing a little bit of a recap on the Singsacred Pathways. 37 00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:02.440 So you're kind of getting familiar with them. 38 00:03:02.440 --> 00:03:04.120 Hey, Niamh. 39 00:03:04.120 --> 00:03:06.880 Hey. Hi, Hey, Jim. 40 00:03:06.880 --> 00:03:09.200 Doing great. Thanks. Doing really, really good. 41 00:03:09.200 --> 00:03:11.120 Great to be with you. 42 00:03:11.120 --> 00:03:15.840 And you two guys, looking forward to what you have to share this evening. 43 00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:19.840 Sorry, my evening, your morning. 44 00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:27.440 Isn't that kind of funny, but awesome at the same time that here we are all over the world enjoying each other's company. 45 00:03:27.440 --> 00:03:30.440 It's so cool. Yeah, it is so cool. 46 00:03:30.440 --> 00:03:33.720 A new era, to be honest. 47 00:03:33.720 --> 00:03:39.320 Yes. So, yeah, in this session, we're going to recap the Singsacred Pathways. 48 00:03:39.320 --> 00:03:42.880 We're going to open it up for some Q&A. 49 00:03:42.880 --> 00:03:50.400 And we're going to also chat in on what some of the things that really worked for us. 50 00:03:50.400 --> 00:03:55.640 Going a little bit deeper into the nitty gritties of actually what worked for us to create change. 51 00:03:55.640 --> 00:03:58.440 So be cool to hear from everyone. 52 00:03:58.440 --> 00:04:01.640 I see a beautiful people on Facebook world as well. 53 00:04:01.640 --> 00:04:06.160 Like I said, the link to jump in the Zoom room is in the description of the video. 54 00:04:06.160 --> 00:04:09.760 So why don't you hit that and jump in here and join us. 55 00:04:09.760 --> 00:04:14.320 And I want to just start with a prayer. 56 00:04:14.320 --> 00:04:17.279 Neve, can we give you the honors again? 57 00:04:17.279 --> 00:04:18.720 You were amazing last week. 58 00:04:18.720 --> 00:04:22.240 We may as well keep you on the roll. 59 00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:25.080 It's the Irish accent. 60 00:04:25.080 --> 00:04:27.720 It's that. Yeah, yeah. 61 00:04:27.720 --> 00:04:29.080 Every tribe a tongue. 62 00:04:29.080 --> 00:04:31.840 Hey, hallelujah. 63 00:04:31.840 --> 00:04:34.240 Father God, we bless you and we praise you. 64 00:04:34.240 --> 00:04:39.120 And as Benji has said, thank you that from all over the globe, we can come together to 65 00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:45.560 sit at your feet and to sit at one another's feet and to learn of one another, to listen 66 00:04:45.560 --> 00:04:50.920 to Benji and Alana's story and hear the secrets that they have found as they've walked with 67 00:04:50.920 --> 00:04:53.960 you in this path and on this journey. 68 00:04:53.960 --> 00:04:59.920 And Lord, in all of this, we open ourselves up to your spirit. 69 00:04:59.920 --> 00:05:00.920 Amen. 70 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:03.360 for your spirit to touch those parts in our hearts 71 00:05:04.680 --> 00:05:07.400 that need to be touched and to hear those things 72 00:05:07.400 --> 00:05:11.440 that your spirit highlights to each one of us, 73 00:05:11.440 --> 00:05:14.480 whether we're listening now or on the replay 74 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:17.560 or in years to come, whenever, 75 00:05:17.560 --> 00:05:20.080 that you would just cause us to hear 76 00:05:20.080 --> 00:05:23.200 what we need to hear each one individually 77 00:05:23.200 --> 00:05:27.480 and have your spirit touch those tender places 78 00:05:27.560 --> 00:05:31.040 in our hearts where you might need to soften, 79 00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:36.040 to heal, to restore, to build in some new things 80 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:39.120 or whatever you might need to do. 81 00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:40.760 And so we give you this time 82 00:05:40.760 --> 00:05:43.040 and we bless you in Jesus' name 83 00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:46.520 and we bless this couple and pray 84 00:05:46.520 --> 00:05:50.360 that you give them clarity and grace 85 00:05:50.360 --> 00:05:53.920 and just support them as they share 86 00:05:53.920 --> 00:05:57.600 and we bless them in Jesus' name too. 87 00:05:57.600 --> 00:05:59.480 Amen. 88 00:05:59.480 --> 00:06:00.320 Amen. 89 00:06:00.320 --> 00:06:01.800 Fantastic. 90 00:06:01.800 --> 00:06:02.840 Cool, cool. 91 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:06.160 We've got Linda jumping in here. 92 00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:09.560 So, babe, why don't you just give a quick recap 93 00:06:09.560 --> 00:06:12.440 on what the seven sacred pathways are of the group? 94 00:06:12.440 --> 00:06:14.160 Well, I'll get them off my list here. 95 00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 96 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:16.760 Get them in the right order. 97 00:06:16.760 --> 00:06:18.960 So we've got the spiritual pathway, 98 00:06:18.960 --> 00:06:22.160 the emotional pathway, the intellectual pathway, 99 00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:25.120 the sensual pathway, the financial pathway, 100 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:28.480 the leadership pathway, and the sexual pathway. 101 00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:29.320 Cool. 102 00:06:30.400 --> 00:06:35.160 We've been getting reviews back on the book as well 103 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:37.000 from people coming in from all over the world, 104 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:38.440 getting some choice reviews back. 105 00:06:38.440 --> 00:06:41.680 So really, really good hearing 106 00:06:41.680 --> 00:06:43.360 how those are impacting people. 107 00:06:43.360 --> 00:06:45.280 Linda, great to have you with us. 108 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:48.960 I'm not sure if she's gonna unmute, 109 00:06:48.960 --> 00:06:51.120 but Linda, it's a treat to have you with us. 110 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:52.280 So thanks for jumping in here. 111 00:06:52.280 --> 00:06:53.440 Thanks for joining in. 112 00:06:55.040 --> 00:06:57.600 So that's the seven pathways, right? 113 00:06:57.600 --> 00:06:59.840 Let's, we'll hit them again. 114 00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:02.120 Number one is the spiritual. 115 00:07:02.120 --> 00:07:04.240 So if you're on Facebook World or wherever you are, 116 00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:07.240 say the spiritual pathway. 117 00:07:07.240 --> 00:07:11.240 So our first three are the foundational pathways. 118 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:12.880 So babe, hit those again. 119 00:07:12.880 --> 00:07:15.880 Spiritual, emotional, intellectual. 120 00:07:15.880 --> 00:07:19.840 Yeah, so those are the foundational pathways. 121 00:07:19.840 --> 00:07:21.480 And those are the pathways 122 00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:25.200 that we don't really always realize 123 00:07:25.200 --> 00:07:27.240 that's where our problems are rooted, 124 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:30.280 but they're always rooted there in some way or another. 125 00:07:30.280 --> 00:07:34.280 But where they start really showing up 126 00:07:34.280 --> 00:07:35.320 and the things that, 127 00:07:35.320 --> 00:07:37.960 I guess you could say that all of our triggers 128 00:07:37.960 --> 00:07:41.640 are all established somewhere along those lines. 129 00:07:41.640 --> 00:07:43.320 Usually, to be honest, 130 00:07:43.320 --> 00:07:46.960 it's usually all of our triggers, 131 00:07:46.960 --> 00:07:49.200 all of our issues are actually usually established 132 00:07:49.200 --> 00:07:51.000 in the spiritual pathway. 133 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:55.240 And that's something that is really not realized 134 00:07:55.240 --> 00:07:57.200 or seen or understood by most people. 135 00:07:57.200 --> 00:07:59.000 That's, you know, you hear people say like, 136 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:00.360 oh, I'm just an angry person, 137 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:02.240 or I was just born like that. 138 00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:04.360 Well, it's actually not true. 139 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:06.640 It's, there's actually triggers in people 140 00:08:06.640 --> 00:08:08.240 that are in the spiritual foundation 141 00:08:08.240 --> 00:08:10.000 who don't really realize. 142 00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:11.800 So those are our founding three, 143 00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:14.400 the spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. 144 00:08:14.400 --> 00:08:16.000 And then we've got the forgotten pathway. 145 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:17.840 The central pathway. 146 00:08:17.840 --> 00:08:20.920 And why is that the forgotten pathway, babe? 147 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:24.000 Because most people think touch equals sex. 148 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:24.840 Yes! 149 00:08:24.840 --> 00:08:26.000 Well, at least in our case. 150 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:30.040 Yeah, all touch should have a happy ending, right? 151 00:08:30.040 --> 00:08:31.520 They're not alone in that. 152 00:08:31.520 --> 00:08:33.000 That's what I used to think, 153 00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:37.600 and that got me into a fair bit of strife. 154 00:08:37.600 --> 00:08:40.480 But eventually we got there, figured it out, slowly, 155 00:08:40.480 --> 00:08:41.520 but only with help. 156 00:08:41.520 --> 00:08:43.799 You know, like, we didn't actually figure that out 157 00:08:43.799 --> 00:08:44.640 by ourselves. 158 00:08:44.640 --> 00:08:47.560 It was only people speaking into our lives 159 00:08:48.280 --> 00:08:50.120 to help us realize these things. 160 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:53.160 So then we've got the three make or break pathways. 161 00:08:53.160 --> 00:08:54.480 Let's highlight those again. 162 00:08:54.480 --> 00:08:57.400 The financial, the leadership, and the sexual. 163 00:08:57.400 --> 00:08:58.240 Yeah. 164 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:01.760 So that's the space where it's gonna make or break for us. 165 00:09:04.280 --> 00:09:06.160 And yeah, it was nearly a break. 166 00:09:07.280 --> 00:09:08.400 It was nearly a break. 167 00:09:08.400 --> 00:09:09.240 Cool. 168 00:09:09.240 --> 00:09:13.200 Got Tina jumping in here in the Zoom room. 169 00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:15.680 So now for our Facebook people, 170 00:09:15.680 --> 00:09:17.920 and for those in the Zoom room, 171 00:09:19.600 --> 00:09:21.600 I would love just to open it up, 172 00:09:21.600 --> 00:09:23.880 just open mic for a bit, 173 00:09:23.880 --> 00:09:27.240 and just see any thoughts, any questions. 174 00:09:27.240 --> 00:09:30.040 We just want to kind of create this open mic Q&A, 175 00:09:30.040 --> 00:09:33.000 discussion space for a little bit before we charge on. 176 00:09:33.000 --> 00:09:34.280 This is our third session. 177 00:09:34.280 --> 00:09:35.360 So you've had a couple of sessions. 178 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:36.320 You've heard some of our story. 179 00:09:36.320 --> 00:09:38.440 If there's any questions, 180 00:09:38.440 --> 00:09:40.680 if there's any discussion points or anything like that, 181 00:09:40.680 --> 00:09:42.480 this is a moment for that. 182 00:09:42.480 --> 00:09:43.320 It's open mic. 183 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:44.160 Tina, welcome. 184 00:09:44.160 --> 00:09:45.000 Good to have you with us. 185 00:09:45.680 --> 00:09:46.520 Thank you. 186 00:09:50.320 --> 00:09:52.080 Oh, you're still on mute. 187 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:55.560 Your video has come on, Tina, but you're on mute, but. 188 00:09:55.560 --> 00:09:56.400 Sorry. 189 00:09:56.400 --> 00:09:57.240 Good morning. 190 00:09:57.240 --> 00:09:59.640 I'm turning my video off because I'm doing stuff. 191 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:07.040 but I'm listening. Two heads, two ears, one mouth. Yeah, very cool. Tina, before you turn your video 192 00:10:07.040 --> 00:10:14.160 off, we've just opened it up for discussion, for Q&A for this session. Just wondering, 193 00:10:14.160 --> 00:10:20.720 is there anything on your end that you had as a question or anything like that that you were 194 00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:29.680 interested in chucking out there and starting some conversation on? On the spot. Yeah, on the spot, 195 00:10:29.680 --> 00:10:37.280 thank you. I'm always interested to know how to, like we've been married quite a long time, 196 00:10:37.280 --> 00:10:47.280 and I'm always interested to know how to get the romance back that can be lost over some years. 197 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:56.800 So that would be something I'd be quite interested in hearing. Cool, so first of all, 198 00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:03.840 what does that look like for you? What does romance look like? Because I think we have to 199 00:11:03.840 --> 00:11:10.160 really have a good picture of what we want that to look like. So for you, what would romance 200 00:11:10.160 --> 00:11:16.880 look like? What's the dream? Very similar to what you had in your video, actually. I thought 201 00:11:16.880 --> 00:11:22.000 that was quite cool, just having a dinner in some obscure place with all that beauty and stuff. 202 00:11:22.640 --> 00:11:31.120 But my husband is quite addicted to his working, and that's important to him, so 203 00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:37.520 it's navigating through that. Yeah, I'm a girl, I love stuff, I love going places. 204 00:11:38.720 --> 00:11:46.080 I just like being, you know, impromptu. He knows that, but it's... Yeah, and I think, well, I appreciate 205 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:53.840 you sharing, because this is where things get quite personal, right? So it's quite personal, 206 00:11:53.840 --> 00:11:57.840 and I think it's nice to be able to do this here in the Online School of Sonship, where 207 00:11:58.640 --> 00:12:02.160 it's not free, because people have to pay to be here, you know, they have to really want to be 208 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:07.680 here. We're safe people here in a safe place. So what I would... 209 00:12:14.640 --> 00:12:21.200 So what I'd like to just get a little bit deeper on for you is, can you just paint a picture 210 00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:27.920 of what romance would look like for you? Like, what's the dream for you in terms of romance? 211 00:12:28.880 --> 00:12:34.960 So the dream would really be... So your ideal date, your ideal, like, let's... I don't want 212 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:40.800 to pick on you, but I just want to, like, journey with you. So let's go deeper on this. Let's create 213 00:12:40.800 --> 00:12:46.960 a picture of your ideal day or your ideal date. How about your ideal date? Why don't you describe 214 00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:53.680 that for us? My ideal date? Day or date? Well, let's go with day. Your ideal, most romantic day 215 00:12:53.680 --> 00:12:58.800 you can imagine. Okay, all right. Right, so there's no limits. You don't have to... It doesn't 216 00:12:58.800 --> 00:13:05.440 have to be connected to reality, possibility, or even probability. It's just based on desire. 217 00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:10.480 What would your ultimate day look like? Oh, you'll be so sorry. When I asked a lot of this, 218 00:13:10.480 --> 00:13:16.240 it started with being picked up in a jet. And the other question was, who's going to be with me? 219 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:24.400 I love it. Okay, so picture this. You won't be happy you asked. 220 00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:30.640 I will be picked up in a jet as well, and I'll be flown to a tropical island. 221 00:13:30.640 --> 00:13:38.560 And the island will just be mine and his. That's it. Just mine and his. And we, yeah, and I will 222 00:13:38.560 --> 00:13:45.520 have a boat waiting to take me scuba diving. And it will be in the time where he dives as well. 223 00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:53.920 This is my dream. And we will spend our day on that boat out by a lagoon, hopefully when the 224 00:13:53.920 --> 00:14:01.120 manta rays are mating. And I'll be down 60 feet, and they'll just zoom over the top of us. And we 225 00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:09.760 will watch this amazing, yes, this amazing dance that they do. And then I'll be going out later on 226 00:14:09.760 --> 00:14:14.960 to dive with the whales. And he can stay on the boat if he likes, but he'll be sharing the journey 227 00:14:15.680 --> 00:14:22.640 with the whales. And then I'll be whipped away for a wonderful silver service. I will be able to 228 00:14:22.640 --> 00:14:30.400 choose my dinner. My dinner, my menu will come in a gilt. It will be written in gold, and it will be, 229 00:14:30.400 --> 00:14:35.600 it will have several choices for several, for several, oh, this is exciting. 230 00:14:36.560 --> 00:14:45.520 It will have several menus, so I can choose from entree. And this dinner will last a good 231 00:14:46.400 --> 00:14:52.320 four or five hours, at least, because we'll be dancing. We'll be dancing in and amongst it. 232 00:14:52.320 --> 00:14:56.480 Then we will sit down with the tribe that's left in the kitchen. We will drink whiskey, 233 00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:59.600 and we will sing. And I'll probably 234 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.640 not go to bed until the very early hours of the next day. 235 00:15:05.920 --> 00:15:07.080 Very cool. 236 00:15:07.080 --> 00:15:11.320 And when you do go to bed, what's gonna happen? 237 00:15:11.320 --> 00:15:12.160 You're just gonna go to sleep 238 00:15:12.160 --> 00:15:15.680 or are you guys gonna have some nice sex 239 00:15:15.680 --> 00:15:19.080 or some arguments or what's gonna happen when you go to bed? 240 00:15:19.080 --> 00:15:21.200 Is that part of your most romantic day 241 00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:22.920 or not part of the experience? 242 00:15:22.920 --> 00:15:24.080 I might've overdone it, 243 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:25.520 so we might have to back up a bit 244 00:15:25.520 --> 00:15:28.200 and just have sex somewhere else as we go. 245 00:15:30.840 --> 00:15:33.920 You might be, well, this is your ideal day. 246 00:15:33.920 --> 00:15:34.760 It is. 247 00:15:34.760 --> 00:15:36.760 I didn't think about all that. 248 00:15:36.760 --> 00:15:40.240 So you're not gonna run out of money or energy, 249 00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:41.920 so it's your ideal day. 250 00:15:41.920 --> 00:15:43.360 So in your ideal day, 251 00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:46.240 how many times do you have sex on this most romantic day? 252 00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:47.280 Oh my goodness. 253 00:15:47.280 --> 00:15:51.240 So yeah, if I leave it till tomorrow, 254 00:15:51.240 --> 00:15:52.880 it might be he'll be speaking Russian 255 00:15:52.880 --> 00:15:53.960 and I won't understand him 256 00:15:53.960 --> 00:15:56.400 and he'll probably just snore and fall asleep. 257 00:15:56.400 --> 00:15:59.520 So yes, we will have multiple opportunities 258 00:16:00.040 --> 00:16:02.880 to be quite intimate throughout the day. 259 00:16:05.160 --> 00:16:06.640 Fantastic, I call this good. 260 00:16:06.640 --> 00:16:08.800 Good to see your picture of the day. 261 00:16:08.800 --> 00:16:11.720 There you are, you're watching the manta rays dancing 262 00:16:11.720 --> 00:16:15.160 and you've done a little bit of dancing yourself underwater. 263 00:16:15.160 --> 00:16:16.000 Very good. 264 00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:17.520 So cool, that's a cool picture. 265 00:16:17.520 --> 00:16:20.560 So I think that's where we have to start, 266 00:16:20.560 --> 00:16:24.200 is we just start by knowing what we want. 267 00:16:24.200 --> 00:16:25.040 Yeah. 268 00:16:26.400 --> 00:16:27.480 And creating that picture 269 00:16:28.480 --> 00:16:32.120 if we want a marriage, 270 00:16:32.120 --> 00:16:34.200 and this is for singles as well, right? 271 00:16:34.200 --> 00:16:37.360 Like wherever you are in the relationship journey, 272 00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:39.160 you still have to know what you want 273 00:16:40.400 --> 00:16:42.520 because you've got to design it. 274 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:48.080 If you really, if you want the best marriage, 275 00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:49.880 it comes through intentionality, 276 00:16:49.880 --> 00:16:54.880 comes through being an architect of that relationship. 277 00:16:55.320 --> 00:16:58.400 And if you haven't taken the time to go through 278 00:16:58.400 --> 00:17:03.400 and describe what you want or identify what you want, 279 00:17:03.400 --> 00:17:04.240 then it's really hard. 280 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:07.680 But I love that, round of applause for you, Tina. 281 00:17:07.680 --> 00:17:10.040 Thank you for sharing that. 282 00:17:10.040 --> 00:17:12.119 I think that's where the workbook's really helpful too 283 00:17:12.119 --> 00:17:13.920 because we ask lots of questions 284 00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:17.640 which help you sort of gather information on yourself 285 00:17:17.640 --> 00:17:21.079 about what you want and sort of the core reasons why. 286 00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:24.560 And then the point of that is that you compare notes. 287 00:17:25.240 --> 00:17:29.280 So hopefully your husband is hearing what you're saying 288 00:17:29.280 --> 00:17:31.200 and understanding and vice versa. 289 00:17:31.200 --> 00:17:33.880 And so you'll be able to give him good information 290 00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:36.320 and he'll be able to give you good information. 291 00:17:36.320 --> 00:17:39.320 And therefore you might get your most romantic date 292 00:17:39.320 --> 00:17:42.200 or a version of it because he's understood 293 00:17:42.200 --> 00:17:46.600 why that's important to you and yeah. 294 00:17:46.600 --> 00:17:48.680 Looking forward to your workbook. 295 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:50.800 Yeah, the workbooks are so fun. 296 00:17:50.800 --> 00:17:53.680 We actually, we had so much fun creating the workbooks. 297 00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:55.640 We were just losing it. 298 00:17:55.640 --> 00:17:56.480 We were just like, 299 00:17:56.480 --> 00:17:58.640 part of it was because we stayed up until nearly midnight. 300 00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:00.880 And so we started getting a little bit inappropriate 301 00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:01.720 with the questions. 302 00:18:01.720 --> 00:18:03.880 So we deleted a lot of what we'd written. 303 00:18:03.880 --> 00:18:06.400 Yeah, it was pretty funny. 304 00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:09.040 But even the stuff that didn't get deleted 305 00:18:09.040 --> 00:18:11.800 is still pretty like, whoa, you said that? 306 00:18:11.800 --> 00:18:14.120 Whoa, oh my gosh, okay, Christ. 307 00:18:15.160 --> 00:18:17.320 So they're pretty fun, the workbooks. 308 00:18:17.320 --> 00:18:20.000 So you'll love those when you get them next week. 309 00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:22.800 But I think that, you know, 310 00:18:22.800 --> 00:18:25.840 like when it comes to the divine design 311 00:18:25.840 --> 00:18:30.840 or what we really want from marriage is a marriage, 312 00:18:31.240 --> 00:18:36.240 like, you know, and Kareem, if you think I'm wrong, 313 00:18:36.440 --> 00:18:38.760 but I think that what we really want is a marriage 314 00:18:38.760 --> 00:18:43.760 where both people get exactly what they want, 315 00:18:44.760 --> 00:18:48.880 when they want it, how they like it 316 00:18:48.880 --> 00:18:51.200 without manipulation or control. 317 00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:52.040 Yes. 318 00:18:54.520 --> 00:18:58.480 So it's impossible for that to happen 319 00:19:00.120 --> 00:19:02.560 without knowing, without good information. 320 00:19:02.560 --> 00:19:05.520 And this is one of the biggest keys, I think, 321 00:19:05.520 --> 00:19:09.960 in the whole process is the ability to give 322 00:19:09.960 --> 00:19:13.040 and receive really good information to each other. 323 00:19:13.040 --> 00:19:17.640 And that right there is such a big part of it 324 00:19:17.640 --> 00:19:22.640 is having a blueprint for where you want 325 00:19:23.560 --> 00:19:24.960 this relationship to go. 326 00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:27.480 How do you know what winning looks like in a relationship? 327 00:19:27.480 --> 00:19:29.560 How do you know when you've actually got to that point 328 00:19:29.560 --> 00:19:33.040 where you're actually living the marriage of your dreams 329 00:19:33.040 --> 00:19:35.040 if you haven't actually dreamed into it? 330 00:19:37.320 --> 00:19:39.160 Oh, we've got some cool... 331 00:19:39.160 --> 00:19:40.000 Okay. 332 00:19:50.920 --> 00:19:53.480 Okay, we're just getting a cool question in here 333 00:19:53.480 --> 00:19:57.160 from Facebook world, from Dorcas. 334 00:19:58.560 --> 00:19:59.880 And hi, Dana. 335 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.800 Hi, Matateo and beautiful people on Facebook. 336 00:20:03.800 --> 00:20:06.360 Great to be tracking with you. 337 00:20:06.360 --> 00:20:09.040 Tina, thanks for sharing us your dream. 338 00:20:09.040 --> 00:20:10.200 I love that. 339 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:16.200 So we're gonna ask Dorcas' question now 340 00:20:16.200 --> 00:20:19.280 and then we'll answer, do our best to answer it. 341 00:20:20.840 --> 00:20:23.080 I often have strong feelings about things. 342 00:20:23.080 --> 00:20:26.400 Anyone out there have strong feelings about things? 343 00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:29.080 We have strong feelings about things, definitely. 344 00:20:29.080 --> 00:20:31.160 Both of us have strong feelings about things. 345 00:20:31.160 --> 00:20:32.920 So if you have strong feelings about things, 346 00:20:32.920 --> 00:20:35.960 say yes or nod your head or drop some type of comment. 347 00:20:35.960 --> 00:20:38.680 So Dorcas says I have strong feelings about things 348 00:20:38.680 --> 00:20:43.280 and often if we pay attention to what I'm feeling, 349 00:20:45.840 --> 00:20:47.000 things will be better. 350 00:20:49.040 --> 00:20:52.920 Hang on, I'm just making sure I'm reading this correct. 351 00:20:52.920 --> 00:20:55.880 So I often have strong feelings about things 352 00:20:55.880 --> 00:20:59.320 and often if we would pay attention to what I'm feeling, 353 00:20:59.320 --> 00:21:00.680 things would go better. 354 00:21:00.680 --> 00:21:02.320 How can I relate to my hubby 355 00:21:02.320 --> 00:21:04.520 in a way that is honoring to him? 356 00:21:04.520 --> 00:21:07.720 He tends to feel I'm always right and he's wrong. 357 00:21:07.720 --> 00:21:09.600 How can I relate what I'm feeling 358 00:21:09.600 --> 00:21:11.800 without making him feel intimidated? 359 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:15.200 No, that's great. 360 00:21:15.200 --> 00:21:17.440 That's a really good question. 361 00:21:17.440 --> 00:21:19.720 Especially, I think there's three questions in there. 362 00:21:19.720 --> 00:21:24.720 So I think that probably the first one is the key here, 363 00:21:24.800 --> 00:21:27.040 which is, I'm sorry, the last one's the key. 364 00:21:27.040 --> 00:21:30.480 He tends to feel I'm always right and he's wrong. 365 00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:32.320 How can I relate what I'm feeling 366 00:21:32.320 --> 00:21:34.920 without making him feel intimidated? 367 00:21:34.920 --> 00:21:36.680 That is the goal right there. 368 00:21:39.600 --> 00:21:41.440 And we actually spend a lot of time in the book 369 00:21:41.440 --> 00:21:42.800 on this topic too, 370 00:21:42.800 --> 00:21:45.600 because it's all about safe atmospheres. 371 00:21:45.600 --> 00:21:47.760 Do you wanna jump on that, babe? 372 00:21:47.760 --> 00:21:48.920 About safe atmospheres? 373 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:51.560 Yeah, safe atmospheres and communicating in a way that... 374 00:21:51.560 --> 00:21:54.440 So in our marriage, 375 00:21:54.440 --> 00:21:58.280 we had huge moments where there wasn't safe atmospheres. 376 00:21:58.280 --> 00:22:01.600 And it got to the point that our bedroom wasn't safe for me. 377 00:22:01.600 --> 00:22:03.480 I didn't like going into our bedroom. 378 00:22:03.480 --> 00:22:04.440 I didn't. 379 00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:07.840 I dreaded going to bed at night and going to sleep. 380 00:22:07.840 --> 00:22:11.760 And so I would delay things as long as possible, 381 00:22:11.760 --> 00:22:14.800 because I knew when we would have that conversation again, 382 00:22:14.800 --> 00:22:16.360 if we didn't have that conversation, 383 00:22:16.360 --> 00:22:18.960 he was gonna be huffing and sighing to himself 384 00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:20.160 on the other side of the bed, 385 00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:22.280 wishing we'd had that conversation, 386 00:22:22.280 --> 00:22:25.280 or just wishing that I'd given him whatever he asked for. 387 00:22:25.280 --> 00:22:27.640 Yes, give me what I want. 388 00:22:27.640 --> 00:22:29.080 Let me control you. 389 00:22:29.080 --> 00:22:30.320 Yeah. 390 00:22:30.320 --> 00:22:32.560 And so, yeah, 391 00:22:32.560 --> 00:22:35.800 there just really wasn't a safe atmosphere at all. 392 00:22:35.800 --> 00:22:37.760 I punished her with my sulking. 393 00:22:37.760 --> 00:22:38.600 Yeah. 394 00:22:38.600 --> 00:22:40.440 I punished her with my unsafe atmosphere. 395 00:22:40.440 --> 00:22:42.400 And we were talking about this a bit earlier, 396 00:22:42.400 --> 00:22:45.120 that actually Benji wanted to control me. 397 00:22:45.120 --> 00:22:48.760 And that's what created the unsafe atmosphere, 398 00:22:48.760 --> 00:22:51.120 was his trying to control. 399 00:22:51.120 --> 00:22:53.600 So there was real power and a balance there. 400 00:22:53.600 --> 00:22:55.080 It was a power struggle, 401 00:22:55.080 --> 00:23:00.080 and I was using my unsafe emotions to punish her. 402 00:23:02.120 --> 00:23:03.600 I wasn't thinking about this. 403 00:23:03.600 --> 00:23:07.280 This is only what you get from analyzing it afterwards 404 00:23:07.280 --> 00:23:09.240 and realizing, wow, that's actually what was happening. 405 00:23:09.240 --> 00:23:11.400 I was trying to manipulate and control her 406 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:16.040 with unsafe emotions that created unsafe atmospheres 407 00:23:16.040 --> 00:23:17.080 and the whole point, 408 00:23:17.080 --> 00:23:17.920 which I didn't realize then 409 00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:20.040 was a power struggle going on between us. 410 00:23:20.040 --> 00:23:21.800 I was trying to control her to get what I wanted, 411 00:23:21.800 --> 00:23:22.880 which was sex. 412 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:23.720 And- 413 00:23:23.720 --> 00:23:25.240 And I was trying to not be controlled. 414 00:23:25.240 --> 00:23:26.080 Yeah. 415 00:23:26.080 --> 00:23:28.560 So we had this power struggle happening. 416 00:23:28.560 --> 00:23:29.400 And at the time, 417 00:23:29.400 --> 00:23:32.600 I felt like I was giving him really good information 418 00:23:32.600 --> 00:23:34.240 of this is how I feel, 419 00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:37.400 this is what's happening for me, 420 00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:38.400 and that kind of thing. 421 00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:39.760 And actually, I feel like, 422 00:23:39.760 --> 00:23:41.360 actually our final conversation, 423 00:23:41.360 --> 00:23:43.320 I said exactly the same thing. 424 00:23:43.320 --> 00:23:45.040 He just processed it differently. 425 00:23:47.120 --> 00:23:48.600 Yeah. 426 00:23:48.600 --> 00:23:52.280 So that doesn't specifically answer your question, 427 00:23:52.280 --> 00:23:56.240 but what it does highlight is the importance of, 428 00:23:56.240 --> 00:23:57.680 if you've got to communicate, 429 00:23:57.680 --> 00:23:59.680 it has to be in a safe atmosphere. 430 00:24:01.000 --> 00:24:03.600 That's one of the very first things that you've got to do 431 00:24:03.600 --> 00:24:07.200 if you ever want good communication to take place 432 00:24:07.200 --> 00:24:09.920 is create that safe atmosphere. 433 00:24:09.920 --> 00:24:12.880 And we use the example of a snail. 434 00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:15.560 You know, like a snail, when it's feeling safe, 435 00:24:15.560 --> 00:24:18.160 it's, you know, like its antennae are out, 436 00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:19.920 it's weighing out its shell, it's feeling great. 437 00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:22.040 But the moment the atmosphere starts getting unsafe, 438 00:24:22.040 --> 00:24:23.800 its antennae come in. 439 00:24:23.800 --> 00:24:24.640 And then after that, 440 00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:28.520 it retracts all the way back into its shell. 441 00:24:28.520 --> 00:24:29.360 So- 442 00:24:30.440 --> 00:24:33.360 And for me, the atmosphere only became safe 443 00:24:33.360 --> 00:24:36.880 when Benji verbalized and followed through 444 00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:38.600 on what he said he was going to do 445 00:24:38.600 --> 00:24:41.080 in terms of removing pressure off me 446 00:24:41.080 --> 00:24:44.600 and giving me back my power in that situation 447 00:24:44.640 --> 00:24:49.400 and giving me permission to say no and for that to be okay. 448 00:24:49.400 --> 00:24:50.240 And- 449 00:24:50.240 --> 00:24:51.240 Without punishment. 450 00:24:51.240 --> 00:24:52.440 Without punishment. 451 00:24:52.440 --> 00:24:55.280 And it took a really long time actually for me to trust 452 00:24:55.280 --> 00:25:00.280 that his lack of punishment was genuine. 453 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.640 Yeah. And to rebuild that trust there. 454 00:25:03.640 --> 00:25:05.320 Which is quite a trick for guys, right? 455 00:25:05.320 --> 00:25:09.160 Because we think one week of good behaviour 456 00:25:09.160 --> 00:25:12.560 rebuilds all the trust in the world, and it doesn't. 457 00:25:12.560 --> 00:25:14.760 Well, I think we often do, like, we think, 458 00:25:14.760 --> 00:25:17.120 hang on, well, I've sorted myself out, they should see that. 459 00:25:17.120 --> 00:25:19.920 You know, I'm making a big effort, 460 00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:22.800 and we'd make a big effort for a week trying to do everything right, 461 00:25:22.800 --> 00:25:27.560 and then, you know, your wife or your husband is still suspicious. 462 00:25:27.560 --> 00:25:29.920 Because, like, well, you've taken years to break this trust, 463 00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:33.960 it doesn't take one week of taking the rubbish out to mend that whole thing. 464 00:25:33.960 --> 00:25:38.680 So there's this, like, suspicion of, is this for real, is this legit? 465 00:25:38.680 --> 00:25:39.800 So that's what we had. 466 00:25:39.800 --> 00:25:44.120 But if we get back to Dorcas' question, 467 00:25:44.120 --> 00:25:46.560 which is about, you know, communicating in a way 468 00:25:46.560 --> 00:25:49.000 that will ensure your husband's not intimidated, 469 00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:54.000 then what you have to do is you have to first create a safe atmosphere. 470 00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:58.000 And once you've got the safe atmosphere, we then, 471 00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:01.120 because it's only in the safe atmosphere that you're going to get the good information 472 00:26:01.120 --> 00:26:03.600 that you need to resolve that problem. 473 00:26:03.600 --> 00:26:07.560 So you've got to figure out what's creating the safe atmosphere, 474 00:26:07.560 --> 00:26:11.160 what's causing the tension, why haven't you got the good information? 475 00:26:11.160 --> 00:26:14.400 Because you're actually asking me a question, 476 00:26:14.400 --> 00:26:19.400 or asking us a question that only he can answer. 477 00:26:19.400 --> 00:26:26.160 So you're asking us, how can I communicate to him without him feeling intimidated? 478 00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:28.800 Well, we have no idea. 479 00:26:28.800 --> 00:26:33.600 Like, he is the only one that can give you that information. 480 00:26:33.600 --> 00:26:37.200 But what we do have is a couple of tools that can help you get that information. 481 00:26:37.200 --> 00:26:41.320 So the first thing is always going to be creating a safe atmosphere 482 00:26:41.320 --> 00:26:43.560 where someone feels like they can be vulnerable. 483 00:26:43.560 --> 00:26:45.400 Because if they can't be vulnerable, 484 00:26:45.400 --> 00:26:48.800 they won't give you the good information that you need. 485 00:26:48.800 --> 00:26:51.560 And there's a possibility that they'll, you know, 486 00:26:51.560 --> 00:26:55.400 you'll stumble into a codependent relationship 487 00:26:55.400 --> 00:26:58.640 where instead of giving you the good information that you need, 488 00:26:58.640 --> 00:27:00.480 they just give you what you want to hear. 489 00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:02.200 And that's what I used to do a lot of. 490 00:27:02.200 --> 00:27:05.160 I would just tell him what he wanted to hear so he'd leave me alone. 491 00:27:05.160 --> 00:27:07.960 And that would frustrate me because she wouldn't follow through 492 00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:10.760 because it would become a fake agreement. 493 00:27:10.760 --> 00:27:14.920 And we would both hate each other for that. 494 00:27:14.920 --> 00:27:16.720 You know, you always, you both hate each other 495 00:27:16.720 --> 00:27:18.280 when you break your promises to each other. 496 00:27:18.280 --> 00:27:21.280 So the tool... 497 00:27:21.280 --> 00:27:31.280 The tool that we would use is the I feel I need. 498 00:27:31.280 --> 00:27:33.280 So do you want to unpack that? 499 00:27:33.280 --> 00:27:43.280 I feel upset when you huff over on the side of the bed when I say no. 500 00:27:43.280 --> 00:27:47.280 Well, I don't feel like I like that. 501 00:27:47.280 --> 00:27:49.280 You're a monkey. 502 00:27:49.280 --> 00:27:52.280 So I mean, these are pretty classic statements. 503 00:27:52.280 --> 00:27:54.280 People are familiar with them. 504 00:27:54.280 --> 00:27:58.280 They're either called the I feel I need statements or the... 505 00:27:58.280 --> 00:28:03.280 There's a name for them, another name for them as well. 506 00:28:03.280 --> 00:28:08.280 But anyway, they're either I feel or I need statements. 507 00:28:08.280 --> 00:28:12.280 And the key, create a safe atmosphere to get the good information. 508 00:28:12.280 --> 00:28:15.280 So the I feel I need statements is... 509 00:28:15.280 --> 00:28:17.280 There's like four parts to it. 510 00:28:17.280 --> 00:28:21.280 When you did this, so you have to give them what's causing the issue. 511 00:28:21.280 --> 00:28:25.280 But when you did this, that's the information you need. 512 00:28:25.280 --> 00:28:28.280 When you did this and you've got to... 513 00:28:28.280 --> 00:28:33.280 Whoever is communicating has to give the action, the behavior, 514 00:28:33.280 --> 00:28:37.280 the emotion, the language, whatever it was that made them feel unsafe. 515 00:28:37.280 --> 00:28:39.280 They have to give that information. 516 00:28:39.280 --> 00:28:40.280 They have to figure it out. 517 00:28:40.280 --> 00:28:44.280 They have to present that information to the other spouse really clearly. 518 00:28:44.280 --> 00:28:48.280 They have to make sure that it's not done with attack in it. 519 00:28:48.280 --> 00:28:50.280 It's not done with... 520 00:28:50.280 --> 00:28:53.280 You don't use any accusational words. 521 00:28:53.280 --> 00:28:55.280 It's just good information. 522 00:28:55.280 --> 00:28:58.280 So when this happened, you've got to identify the action, 523 00:28:58.280 --> 00:29:00.280 the behavior, the emotion, the statement. 524 00:29:00.280 --> 00:29:04.280 When this happened and then I felt... 525 00:29:04.280 --> 00:29:07.280 Upset, sad, disappointed. 526 00:29:07.280 --> 00:29:08.280 Cool. 527 00:29:08.280 --> 00:29:09.280 So that's point one. 528 00:29:09.280 --> 00:29:15.280 Identifying the moment, the action that caused the unsafe. 529 00:29:15.280 --> 00:29:16.280 You feel unsafe. 530 00:29:16.280 --> 00:29:22.280 The second thing is how it made you feel. 531 00:29:22.280 --> 00:29:27.280 And then the third thing is how you need to feel. 532 00:29:27.280 --> 00:29:30.280 Like what will make you feel safe? 533 00:29:30.280 --> 00:29:32.280 Like how you need to feel. 534 00:29:32.280 --> 00:29:34.280 So I need to feel, for example... 535 00:29:34.280 --> 00:29:36.280 I need to feel respected. 536 00:29:36.280 --> 00:29:37.280 Yeah. 537 00:29:37.280 --> 00:29:39.280 I need to feel like you're listening. 538 00:29:39.280 --> 00:29:42.280 I need to feel like you care about my safety. 539 00:29:42.280 --> 00:29:45.280 I need to feel like we're working on this as a team. 540 00:29:45.280 --> 00:29:48.280 So that's the third part, is what you need to feel. 541 00:29:48.280 --> 00:29:50.280 And then the fourth part, 542 00:29:50.280 --> 00:29:52.280 another really amazing piece of information is... 543 00:29:54.280 --> 00:29:57.280 How, like the action, you know, what's going to... 544 00:29:57.280 --> 00:29:58.280 The request. 545 00:29:58.280 --> 00:29:59.280 Yeah. 546 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:07.840 So the fourth piece of information is what will make you feel safe? I feel safe when you 547 00:30:09.040 --> 00:30:13.920 and so you'll get all that in the workbooks and the book next week as well um 548 00:30:15.120 --> 00:30:17.440 there's some like we go a little bit yeah 549 00:30:19.040 --> 00:30:24.000 it's getting nice and warm the sun's just started to really beam in uh through here we've got the 550 00:30:24.720 --> 00:30:31.600 to simmer it down but yeah okay sweet so I hope that's helpful he's the only one that can give 551 00:30:31.600 --> 00:30:38.240 you the information um that you need hi Andrea great to see you hi other people that are jumping 552 00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:44.480 in on Facebook love you guys feel free to get chatting we're just doing some Q&A um right now 553 00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:51.600 so uh if anyone else has got some other questions now's the moment to drop those questions or um 554 00:30:51.600 --> 00:30:58.080 or comments and just have some discussion Niamh I have a question really for you Benji if that's 555 00:30:58.080 --> 00:31:05.680 okay what is it that made you you know that that I mean you said last week it was pain which of 556 00:31:05.680 --> 00:31:11.840 course is always the driver that pushes us to change but it's more than that there's something 557 00:31:11.840 --> 00:31:19.360 caused you to drop your defensiveness and open up and begin to say I might be reading her wrong 558 00:31:19.360 --> 00:31:27.680 can you talk more about that well um yeah definitely 559 00:31:29.840 --> 00:31:37.040 uh so pain was the real driver right like pain was the thing that got me asking the questions 560 00:31:39.280 --> 00:31:45.920 so so people will all be motivated by different things by reward 561 00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:50.560 a reward might motivate you it can be sometimes be the carrot or the stick 562 00:31:50.560 --> 00:31:56.240 there's lots of different things that will motivate people um so the reward I like the 563 00:31:56.240 --> 00:32:02.080 idea of the reward but you know so for me the reward would be a great marriage you know like 564 00:32:02.080 --> 00:32:10.000 I would have said yes that's what I want but what if we go back to my situation the issue was blindness 565 00:32:10.080 --> 00:32:17.760 as to what the problem was and I had come to the conclusion that you know Alana had already said 566 00:32:17.760 --> 00:32:23.040 she had a problem right and I was acknowledging that I had a problem and that I needed help 567 00:32:23.040 --> 00:32:28.880 that I was struggling in life in general and so for me I was like sweet there we go there we have 568 00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:33.200 it you know like that's exactly what I thought I thought you were the problem you just said you're 569 00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:38.640 the problem you've got an issue you're the problem sweet like case closed right so you're the issue 570 00:32:38.640 --> 00:32:43.680 I'll pray for you I'll try and support you you need to you know you need to get help get you help 571 00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:49.520 and then the marriage will be better so I guess that's the the rut that I was stuck in that she'd 572 00:32:49.520 --> 00:32:55.760 already said she has a problem she's been talking to everyone we knew everyone that we thought of 573 00:32:55.760 --> 00:33:04.240 that could help me so we were actively trying really hard for my sake you know we and um and 574 00:33:04.240 --> 00:33:10.000 even the really good counsellors didn't bust me like the best of the best didn't bust me on my 575 00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:16.960 subtle narcissism because it wasn't out front it was it was a deep-seated narcissism and blindness 576 00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:22.800 that was in agreement with Alana being the problem but then I just put all the blame on her not 577 00:33:22.800 --> 00:33:29.200 realizing not taking any ownership for myself so what was it that got me asking deeper questions 578 00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:36.000 it was the pain it was the fact that we were in this loop right of pain and no matter what we did 579 00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:40.000 to try and fix her problems it didn't stop the pain and I actually think there was one night 580 00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:45.120 where we had that conversation again and Benji got so frustrated he walked out of our bedroom 581 00:33:45.120 --> 00:33:52.080 and for me that was like a shit moment of like something has got to change we can't keep going 582 00:33:52.080 --> 00:33:58.320 like this and I don't know for you but I do feel like that was a catalytic moment of where the pain 583 00:33:58.320 --> 00:34:03.760 was so bad that he actually just left he stormed out of the house I don't even know what he did 584 00:34:03.760 --> 00:34:10.880 and at some point he came home but yeah I think moments like that actually it became so overwhelming 585 00:34:10.880 --> 00:34:17.120 that it's like where do we go to from here and so from my perspective anyway something like that was 586 00:34:17.120 --> 00:34:23.199 probably a self-assessment type moment of like what are we going to do what am I going to do 587 00:34:23.199 --> 00:34:31.199 yeah I mean that was for sure the most painful moment for us so I just 588 00:34:31.199 --> 00:34:36.960 seen Dorcas is dropping some more questions about her 589 00:34:40.080 --> 00:34:45.199 so Dorcas I see your questions there and we'll try and circle back there in a moment 590 00:34:45.520 --> 00:34:46.800 thanks for dropping those so 591 00:34:50.159 --> 00:34:56.960 can I make a comment see I think in that pain I think God intervenes and that time of 592 00:34:56.960 --> 00:34:59.760 when we're really desperate you know 593 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.800 really, we don't have it in our natural selves. 594 00:35:02.800 --> 00:35:04.680 And I think there's an, you know, 595 00:35:04.680 --> 00:35:08.040 I also think there are generational strongholds 596 00:35:08.040 --> 00:35:10.980 and many other things that are coming against us 597 00:35:10.980 --> 00:35:13.840 that are feeding on the psychological issues. 598 00:35:13.840 --> 00:35:15.480 But actually, I think, you know, 599 00:35:15.480 --> 00:35:17.400 I know you to be a man of prayer. 600 00:35:17.400 --> 00:35:22.120 And I think that it's the prayer that causes the chink 601 00:35:22.120 --> 00:35:24.480 so that the pain does open the door 602 00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:26.340 because we reached that point. 603 00:35:26.340 --> 00:35:28.840 And maybe some people feel they've reached it 604 00:35:28.900 --> 00:35:31.340 a thousand times, but there's a point 605 00:35:31.340 --> 00:35:34.300 where it's really reached of desperation 606 00:35:34.300 --> 00:35:36.820 where something just shifts. 607 00:35:36.820 --> 00:35:39.420 And it's a bit like, I used to do a bit of dressmaking 608 00:35:39.420 --> 00:35:42.620 for fun, you know, if you just rip that first stitch, 609 00:35:42.620 --> 00:35:44.340 then you can get the seam on every time. 610 00:35:44.340 --> 00:35:48.380 It's like, there's that first thing that has to give. 611 00:35:48.380 --> 00:35:52.500 And I would say, Nev, that thing that had to give 612 00:35:52.500 --> 00:35:55.100 is I had to ask a new question. 613 00:35:55.100 --> 00:35:56.580 Yes, yes. 614 00:35:56.600 --> 00:35:59.640 That I had to ask a new question 615 00:35:59.640 --> 00:36:01.800 that I hadn't been willing to ask before 616 00:36:01.800 --> 00:36:04.140 or that I hadn't thought to ask before. 617 00:36:05.440 --> 00:36:08.160 And this is the thing with the blindness 618 00:36:08.160 --> 00:36:13.160 is that it makes us blind to good questions. 619 00:36:14.280 --> 00:36:16.480 You know, like a good question can lead you 620 00:36:16.480 --> 00:36:18.160 to a whole new world. 621 00:36:18.160 --> 00:36:19.520 And that's actually what happened for us. 622 00:36:19.520 --> 00:36:24.520 It was a good question that led us to a whole new world, 623 00:36:24.540 --> 00:36:27.460 but I couldn't ask the good question 624 00:36:27.460 --> 00:36:29.780 because I was just blind to that concept 625 00:36:29.780 --> 00:36:32.420 or that possibility that that could even be a question. 626 00:36:32.420 --> 00:36:36.340 And the question was that I needed to come to ask is, 627 00:36:36.340 --> 00:36:39.980 how am I contributing to the chaos in our marriage? 628 00:36:39.980 --> 00:36:40.820 Yes, yes. 629 00:36:40.820 --> 00:36:43.420 But I wasn't asking that question 630 00:36:43.420 --> 00:36:45.220 because I'd already come to the conclusion 631 00:36:45.220 --> 00:36:47.980 that Lana was causing all the problems in our marriage. 632 00:36:49.260 --> 00:36:50.500 Isn't that what Jesus did? 633 00:36:50.500 --> 00:36:53.700 He got, you know, people asked him questions 634 00:36:53.760 --> 00:36:56.200 and he sent the question back to them. 635 00:36:56.200 --> 00:36:58.040 I mean, I can't think of an example right now, 636 00:36:58.040 --> 00:37:00.680 but that was a God question for sure. 637 00:37:00.680 --> 00:37:03.680 That's very much the way of a Jewish rabbi is, 638 00:37:03.680 --> 00:37:06.160 you know, a Jewish rabbi thinks that they've succeeded 639 00:37:06.160 --> 00:37:08.920 as if someone comes to them with a question 640 00:37:08.920 --> 00:37:10.920 and then they leave with a hundred more. 641 00:37:12.120 --> 00:37:13.800 You know, to them, that's success. 642 00:37:13.800 --> 00:37:17.280 It's not about actually answering all their questions, 643 00:37:17.280 --> 00:37:21.280 it was actually about getting them to ask better questions. 644 00:37:21.300 --> 00:37:26.300 Because ask, you know, like seek and you will find, 645 00:37:26.300 --> 00:37:28.740 knock and the door will be open to you, 646 00:37:28.740 --> 00:37:30.700 ask and you'll be given. 647 00:37:30.700 --> 00:37:33.460 So this is the thing for me, 648 00:37:33.460 --> 00:37:38.060 is that I was asking the wrong questions. 649 00:37:38.060 --> 00:37:39.220 Well, there are some of the questions, 650 00:37:39.220 --> 00:37:41.940 like I wasn't asking enough questions. 651 00:37:41.940 --> 00:37:44.660 I was just asking, how do we fix Alana? 652 00:37:44.660 --> 00:37:46.100 And what do I do for you? 653 00:37:46.100 --> 00:37:46.940 Exactly. 654 00:37:46.940 --> 00:37:49.140 And, you know, like in a loving way, 655 00:37:49.140 --> 00:37:50.660 I was trying to be as loving as I could, 656 00:37:51.040 --> 00:37:53.360 but totally, that's where the blindness came in. 657 00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:55.880 Not asking the question of what am I doing wrong? 658 00:37:55.880 --> 00:37:56.840 Where's my mess? 659 00:37:56.840 --> 00:37:58.440 How am I contributing to this? 660 00:37:58.440 --> 00:37:59.280 We're just like, no, no, no. 661 00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:00.520 Alana's causing all the problems. 662 00:38:00.520 --> 00:38:03.040 If she would stop being so stubborn 663 00:38:03.040 --> 00:38:05.760 and she should just be a little bit more generous 664 00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:06.880 and we can have a little bit more sex, 665 00:38:06.880 --> 00:38:08.120 we wouldn't have all these conversations, 666 00:38:08.120 --> 00:38:10.320 we wouldn't have this pressure, then it'd be fine. 667 00:38:10.320 --> 00:38:12.800 You know, like, but really she's got all these problems 668 00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:14.200 that are stopping her from doing that. 669 00:38:14.200 --> 00:38:17.920 And me totally not seeing the massive context 670 00:38:17.920 --> 00:38:21.860 of the chaos that I already created in our relationship, 671 00:38:21.860 --> 00:38:23.900 which is why she wasn't interested in having sex. 672 00:38:23.900 --> 00:38:27.060 And so it was only the pain that, you know, 673 00:38:27.060 --> 00:38:30.900 like prayer always helps, right? 674 00:38:30.900 --> 00:38:33.100 Prayer is great. 675 00:38:33.100 --> 00:38:35.780 And like, you know, like I said last time, 676 00:38:35.780 --> 00:38:39.140 I was praying so much in that season, so much. 677 00:38:39.140 --> 00:38:42.740 20, 30 hours a week was like my prayer life 678 00:38:42.740 --> 00:38:43.940 in that, you know, in that season. 679 00:38:43.940 --> 00:38:46.980 So it was, there was a lot of prayer and worship 680 00:38:47.000 --> 00:38:49.800 and ministry and glory and revivals 681 00:38:49.800 --> 00:38:51.240 and conferences and outpourings. 682 00:38:51.240 --> 00:38:54.640 We were in that space like all the time. 683 00:38:54.640 --> 00:38:56.920 Seeing everything that we wanted happening for other people. 684 00:38:56.920 --> 00:39:00.480 Oh yeah, we saw so many breakthroughs for other people. 685 00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:02.960 It was so painful to watch all these other people 686 00:39:02.960 --> 00:39:04.960 getting the breakthroughs that we were after. 687 00:39:04.960 --> 00:39:07.080 Like the breakthroughs that we were after for Alana, 688 00:39:07.080 --> 00:39:09.840 pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, just like that for other people. 689 00:39:09.840 --> 00:39:14.200 Never, like, and we're just like, oh, you know. 690 00:39:14.200 --> 00:39:16.040 So you're processing that as well, 691 00:39:16.040 --> 00:39:19.260 but it was the pain that got me to ask a new question, 692 00:39:19.260 --> 00:39:23.660 which is how am I contributing to the chaos in my marriage? 693 00:39:23.660 --> 00:39:26.180 And I don't think we can underestimate 694 00:39:27.460 --> 00:39:29.220 how powerful that question is 695 00:39:29.220 --> 00:39:32.340 and also how few people ask that. 696 00:39:32.340 --> 00:39:33.500 Yes. 697 00:39:33.500 --> 00:39:34.340 Yes. 698 00:39:34.340 --> 00:39:37.380 To me, this is one of the biggest reasons 699 00:39:37.380 --> 00:39:39.540 why there's chaos in marriages 700 00:39:39.540 --> 00:39:42.780 because you don't have two people willing 701 00:39:42.800 --> 00:39:44.920 to ask that question 702 00:39:44.920 --> 00:39:47.320 and then take extreme ownership for the answer. 703 00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:50.840 Yeah. 704 00:39:50.840 --> 00:39:55.840 So let's circle back now to Dorcas and her question. 705 00:39:56.600 --> 00:39:59.040 So she said, that brings me to another question. 706 00:39:59.040 --> 00:39:59.880 My husband does. 707 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:06.080 like it when I ask him questions of this sort he gets frustrated because he says he doesn't know 708 00:40:06.080 --> 00:40:13.360 what he wants or how to answer so I wonder what can I do then um I love your answer great stuff so 709 00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:19.120 Dorcas this sounds like us but the other way around because often Benji always wanted to fix 710 00:40:19.120 --> 00:40:24.160 it he was always like well okay what's the problem what can we do to fix it and I never knew 711 00:40:24.240 --> 00:40:31.920 but actually in hindsight I just wanted to be heard and understood yeah totally so 712 00:40:33.760 --> 00:40:41.200 if we if we look at if we look here Dorcas um at at your situation and what's missing 713 00:40:43.040 --> 00:40:44.800 uh good information is missing 714 00:40:47.440 --> 00:40:52.720 you know and then you have to ask why is the good information why don't you have good information 715 00:40:54.800 --> 00:41:03.440 what's what's the where's the breakdown in terms of them not being good information um because I 716 00:41:03.440 --> 00:41:12.160 think um I think when someone says I don't know what I want is a cop-out in a sense of it's 717 00:41:13.040 --> 00:41:20.080 it's an easy it's an easy kind of option to go down so I don't know what I want 718 00:41:20.400 --> 00:41:26.560 when you probably actually do but you might just have to boil it down a little bit 719 00:41:27.200 --> 00:41:33.840 but it can be like an escape I'm not feeling safe I'm not feeling good about what's happening right 720 00:41:33.840 --> 00:41:39.600 now I know a good way to escape from this conversation uh and then I can go and I don't 721 00:41:39.600 --> 00:41:44.960 have to deal with me I don't have to deal with you I don't have to deal with this pain that I'm in 722 00:41:45.040 --> 00:41:50.720 right now I'll just say I don't know and then what are you going to do it's kind of like a 723 00:41:50.720 --> 00:41:56.960 stalemate checkmate uh move when if someone says I don't know it ends the conversation and 724 00:41:57.760 --> 00:42:05.120 uh and I would say in a way it's kind of like I mean we can we'll we'll dialogue in this now 725 00:42:05.120 --> 00:42:08.720 because that's what Lana was doing so it's like what do you need to be happy 726 00:42:09.360 --> 00:42:16.160 uh and how many times did you say I don't know countless but did you actually know 727 00:42:16.960 --> 00:42:24.000 often I didn't I think that I was so well probably what I needed was some sleep and some space and 728 00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:29.520 some free time for me to be actually to have the space to assess what it was on a deep level that 729 00:42:29.520 --> 00:42:36.640 I needed so just actually at that time I needed the basics but I didn't necessarily know how to 730 00:42:36.640 --> 00:42:45.200 voice that yeah I was asking for that but not getting it yeah so um we've got Sue jumping in 731 00:42:45.200 --> 00:42:55.760 here hi Sue welcome hiya how you doing oh excellent thanks excellent where are you today 732 00:42:55.760 --> 00:43:03.120 I'm Sydney Australia very cool lovely to have you with us we um uh have you I don't know if you've 733 00:43:03.120 --> 00:43:08.400 been following on the Facebook or if you've just jumped in just click the link now oh this is the 734 00:43:08.400 --> 00:43:15.360 first one of this session I've come to um just trying to keep up with everything yeah that's so 735 00:43:15.360 --> 00:43:24.960 cool that's so cool well we are right in the middle of chatting about um we're right we're right deep 736 00:43:24.960 --> 00:43:32.160 in discussing our relational chaos and doing a Q&A and discussions about trying to get good 737 00:43:32.160 --> 00:43:38.160 information from each other so that's that's really what we're where we're at right now so 738 00:43:38.160 --> 00:43:43.120 if you've got questions feel free to store them up and we'll ask them in a moment so we're talking 739 00:43:43.120 --> 00:43:50.080 about this dynamic where a person one person wants some good information about what the 740 00:43:50.080 --> 00:43:58.080 issue is and the other person comes back with this answer I don't know and I think what I'm going to 741 00:43:58.080 --> 00:44:04.480 do there um Dorcas on that question is I'm going to pause and share a little bit more of our story 742 00:44:05.120 --> 00:44:08.400 and then I'm going to bring it back to bring it back to your 743 00:44:09.360 --> 00:44:14.080 your situation here with something that I think is so relevant for marriages is 744 00:44:16.080 --> 00:44:22.000 Nev after the pain came and I asked that question that was the first point it was asking a new 745 00:44:22.000 --> 00:44:26.240 question so going from just blaming Alana for everything in our marriage to asking a new 746 00:44:26.240 --> 00:44:34.880 question which is how am I contributing to the chaos in our marriage so I had to ask that question 747 00:44:36.720 --> 00:44:43.760 and I think everyone should ask that question how am I contributing to the chaos in our marriage I 748 00:44:43.760 --> 00:44:50.080 think that it's really unhealthy if you're not asking that question and it's really healthy if 749 00:44:50.080 --> 00:44:58.000 you are asking that question and you probably need a little bit of like a litmus test or a 750 00:44:58.000 --> 00:44:59.920 little bit of a check right how can you tell that 751 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:01.680 there's chaos in your marriage. 752 00:45:01.680 --> 00:45:03.800 We probably need to do a session on that as well, 753 00:45:03.800 --> 00:45:05.000 but just briefly, 754 00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.080 how can you tell that there's chaos in your marriage? 755 00:45:09.080 --> 00:45:11.720 Well, I'd use the Hebrew word shalom 756 00:45:11.720 --> 00:45:13.800 to help you identify that. 757 00:45:13.800 --> 00:45:15.520 So the Hebrew word shalom, 758 00:45:16.680 --> 00:45:19.920 it's made up of four ancient pictograms. 759 00:45:19.920 --> 00:45:21.880 You know, when they wrote it back in the day in Hebrew, 760 00:45:21.880 --> 00:45:23.360 it's four ancient pictograms. 761 00:45:23.360 --> 00:45:26.600 So the first picture is a picture of sharp teeth. 762 00:45:26.600 --> 00:45:30.040 That's sharp teeth, meaning, which means to destroy. 763 00:45:30.040 --> 00:45:33.680 The second picture was a shepherd's staff, 764 00:45:33.680 --> 00:45:35.560 which means authority. 765 00:45:35.560 --> 00:45:37.480 So to destroy the authority. 766 00:45:37.480 --> 00:45:40.080 And the next picture was a tent peg, 767 00:45:40.080 --> 00:45:41.760 which meant attached. 768 00:45:41.760 --> 00:45:44.480 And then the fourth picture was a picture of the ocean, 769 00:45:44.480 --> 00:45:46.640 which represented chaos. 770 00:45:46.640 --> 00:45:49.320 So the original meaning of the Hebrew word 771 00:45:49.320 --> 00:45:53.920 is means to destroy the authority attached to chaos. 772 00:45:53.920 --> 00:45:55.520 Cool meaning of the word, eh? 773 00:45:55.520 --> 00:45:58.560 To destroy the authority attached to chaos. 774 00:45:58.560 --> 00:46:00.280 So when we hear people say shalom, 775 00:46:00.280 --> 00:46:02.400 we hear them saying peace, 776 00:46:02.400 --> 00:46:03.320 and it is correct. 777 00:46:03.320 --> 00:46:04.240 It does mean peace, 778 00:46:04.240 --> 00:46:06.240 but it means so much more than peace. 779 00:46:06.240 --> 00:46:08.920 It's the peace that comes 780 00:46:08.920 --> 00:46:11.520 when everything in your world is functioning 781 00:46:11.520 --> 00:46:13.840 according to divine design. 782 00:46:13.840 --> 00:46:15.040 Yes. 783 00:46:15.040 --> 00:46:16.040 How good is that, right? 784 00:46:16.040 --> 00:46:17.360 So it's, 785 00:46:18.400 --> 00:46:20.920 and when everything in your world is functioning 786 00:46:20.920 --> 00:46:23.640 according to divine design, 787 00:46:23.640 --> 00:46:26.200 once you have shalom established in a person 788 00:46:26.200 --> 00:46:27.520 or in a place, 789 00:46:27.520 --> 00:46:31.400 that person or that place becomes an epicenter, 790 00:46:31.400 --> 00:46:34.360 an expanding epicenter that is destroying chaos 791 00:46:34.360 --> 00:46:35.640 all around it. 792 00:46:35.640 --> 00:46:36.480 Yeah. 793 00:46:36.480 --> 00:46:38.440 And the best picture that we have of that is Jesus, right? 794 00:46:38.440 --> 00:46:41.360 He is shalom. 795 00:46:41.360 --> 00:46:42.560 He represents shalom. 796 00:46:42.560 --> 00:46:44.240 He looks like shalom. 797 00:46:44.240 --> 00:46:47.040 And he was an expanding epicenter 798 00:46:47.040 --> 00:46:48.920 that destroyed chaos all around it. 799 00:46:48.920 --> 00:46:51.640 So if we want to like do a test on our marriage 800 00:46:51.680 --> 00:46:54.400 to see how can we tell if we're creating chaos 801 00:46:54.400 --> 00:46:55.520 in our marriage. 802 00:46:57.160 --> 00:46:58.680 Andrea, welcome. 803 00:46:58.680 --> 00:47:00.400 So good to have you with us. 804 00:47:01.240 --> 00:47:02.080 Thank you. 805 00:47:03.040 --> 00:47:06.880 I had to come on because Alana is here. 806 00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:07.720 Yay. 807 00:47:08.960 --> 00:47:09.800 Hi. 808 00:47:11.440 --> 00:47:12.520 Okay. 809 00:47:12.520 --> 00:47:13.640 So cool to have you with us. 810 00:47:13.640 --> 00:47:16.080 We're just talking about chaos in marriage. 811 00:47:16.080 --> 00:47:21.080 So to give an indication 812 00:47:21.160 --> 00:47:24.080 of if there's chaos in your marriage, 813 00:47:24.080 --> 00:47:26.080 here's how you can tell if there's chaos in your marriage, 814 00:47:26.080 --> 00:47:30.040 if it's anything less than the divine design for marriage, 815 00:47:30.040 --> 00:47:32.760 if it's anything less than everything in your marriage 816 00:47:32.760 --> 00:47:35.800 operating according to divine design. 817 00:47:35.800 --> 00:47:37.520 And I think this is one of the big problems 818 00:47:37.520 --> 00:47:39.640 is that we've let the standard 819 00:47:39.640 --> 00:47:43.000 of what marriage should be go so low 820 00:47:43.000 --> 00:47:45.040 that we don't recognize that we've got a problem 821 00:47:45.040 --> 00:47:47.520 until people are about to get divorced. 822 00:47:47.520 --> 00:47:49.240 Because the standard is so low, right? 823 00:47:49.240 --> 00:47:51.480 An average marriage in our culture 824 00:47:51.480 --> 00:47:53.960 is on the verge of divorce. 825 00:47:53.960 --> 00:47:54.800 And how can you tell that? 826 00:47:54.800 --> 00:47:58.000 Because over 50% of marriages get divorced. 827 00:47:58.000 --> 00:48:00.760 Yeah, so if you're average, you're in real danger. 828 00:48:00.760 --> 00:48:02.160 If you're slightly above average, 829 00:48:02.160 --> 00:48:04.880 you're in real danger of a divorce. 830 00:48:04.880 --> 00:48:06.240 But even worse than that 831 00:48:06.240 --> 00:48:09.480 is just living in a dysfunctional marriage. 832 00:48:09.480 --> 00:48:12.080 And I think that this is something terrible in the church 833 00:48:12.080 --> 00:48:14.400 that we don't talk about in the church. 834 00:48:14.400 --> 00:48:17.760 It just goes on like subtly kind of, 835 00:48:17.760 --> 00:48:19.920 you know, it's like one of the big skeletons in the closet 836 00:48:19.920 --> 00:48:22.080 is average marriages. 837 00:48:23.080 --> 00:48:26.440 Average marriages are terrible marriages to be in 838 00:48:26.440 --> 00:48:28.400 where you're coping, where you're surviving, 839 00:48:28.400 --> 00:48:32.160 where it's this place where you aren't getting 840 00:48:32.160 --> 00:48:37.120 what you want when you want it or how you like it. 841 00:48:37.120 --> 00:48:39.280 I think it's really easy to be in denial too 842 00:48:39.280 --> 00:48:42.520 because for us, there were some parts that were amazing. 843 00:48:42.520 --> 00:48:43.920 We were really good friends. 844 00:48:43.920 --> 00:48:45.680 We loved doing stuff together. 845 00:48:45.680 --> 00:48:48.160 The ministry was going phenomenally. 846 00:48:48.160 --> 00:48:52.600 It was easy to kind of just shut the door on the hard parts 847 00:48:52.600 --> 00:48:55.560 and carry on as though they're not there. 848 00:48:55.560 --> 00:48:57.520 And then also when you're leading the ministry, 849 00:48:57.520 --> 00:48:59.240 when you're pastoring a church, 850 00:48:59.240 --> 00:49:02.120 who do you turn to when you're in trouble? 851 00:49:02.120 --> 00:49:04.760 And so you're constantly putting on this good face 852 00:49:04.760 --> 00:49:05.840 of everything's great 853 00:49:05.840 --> 00:49:08.440 when actually behind closed doors, it's not. 854 00:49:08.440 --> 00:49:10.760 I feel like there's a lot of pressure 855 00:49:10.760 --> 00:49:13.040 on Christians in general, 856 00:49:13.040 --> 00:49:15.200 but even more so if you're in any leadership 857 00:49:15.720 --> 00:49:19.040 that you have to perform to the standard that people expect 858 00:49:19.040 --> 00:49:23.080 and it's not okay for them to see that it's not going great. 859 00:49:23.080 --> 00:49:26.560 And also if you are in leadership, it's a good chance. 860 00:49:26.560 --> 00:49:29.320 I'm not saying always, but it's also a good chance 861 00:49:29.320 --> 00:49:32.200 that all the other marriages around you suck. 862 00:49:34.040 --> 00:49:36.040 People are struggling themselves. 863 00:49:36.040 --> 00:49:38.240 So you're like, man, there's no way I'm gonna ask 864 00:49:38.240 --> 00:49:39.400 any of these people for help 865 00:49:39.400 --> 00:49:43.120 because that is a mess that I don't wanna get involved 866 00:49:43.120 --> 00:49:46.040 with that, that looks like even worse than us, you know? 867 00:49:46.040 --> 00:49:51.040 So we've got to first kind of do this gauge of, 868 00:49:53.040 --> 00:49:56.600 how can we tell that there's chaos in our marriage? 869 00:49:56.600 --> 00:49:57.960 And here's a good way to tell. 870 00:49:57.960 --> 00:50:00.000 And I think this requires brutal. 871 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.760 honesty, extreme ownership, and it's I think it's so painful and I think we avoid it because 872 00:50:05.760 --> 00:50:12.760 of how painful it is but we have to come to this place of going actually in this marriage 873 00:50:12.760 --> 00:50:25.520 are we both getting what we want when we want it and how we like it and for us in our marriage 874 00:50:25.520 --> 00:50:34.960 for both of us the answer was not even close. So I guess I want to put that there like first 875 00:50:34.960 --> 00:50:39.840 of all let's let's have a bit of a standard what's the standard supposed to be in marriage 876 00:50:39.840 --> 00:50:47.840 the standard in marriage is supposed to be divine design right it is and we have we can't 877 00:50:47.840 --> 00:50:54.120 we can't let the culture of this world dictate what what the standard of marriage should 878 00:50:54.120 --> 00:51:01.200 look like now that's so so important that we refuse to allow the standard of this world 879 00:51:01.200 --> 00:51:07.880 to dictate to us what the quality and the standard of our marriages should look like 880 00:51:07.880 --> 00:51:12.040 because otherwise we're going to get sold a counterfeit and it's always going to be 881 00:51:12.040 --> 00:51:17.600 dysfunctional and we're never going to live in the divine design that God has for us. 882 00:51:17.600 --> 00:51:29.880 So I'm just kind of coming back to this place right where the pain caused me to ask a new question 883 00:51:29.880 --> 00:51:36.280 which is how am I how am I contributing to the chaos in our marriage so to understand 884 00:51:36.280 --> 00:51:39.040 how I was contributing to the chaos in the marriage you kind of had to understand what 885 00:51:39.040 --> 00:51:43.200 chaos looks like were we both getting what we wanted when we wanted and how we liked it 886 00:51:43.200 --> 00:51:53.240 not even not even close I was like oh man how am I uh doing that it's a dangerous question 887 00:51:53.240 --> 00:51:55.800 because you're probably not going to like the answer 888 00:51:55.800 --> 00:52:03.880 we both came to the point that we were realizing that we were trying to take what we wanted 889 00:52:03.880 --> 00:52:11.360 by force because we weren't being offered it and so that's actually quite a hard conclusion 890 00:52:11.360 --> 00:52:16.440 to come to that you're trying to control each other take what you want by force when 891 00:52:16.440 --> 00:52:25.120 it's not yours to take yeah yeah so I had to take so this is the question is so painful 892 00:52:25.120 --> 00:52:33.080 and so hard because it's so confronting to ask ourselves like it's confronting on so 893 00:52:33.080 --> 00:52:39.520 many levels how am I contributing to the chaos in our marriage because that first thing is 894 00:52:39.520 --> 00:52:44.560 like oh you know we've got to justify we're always going to justify we're going to justify 895 00:52:44.560 --> 00:52:49.120 the quality of our marriage oh that's just what it's always been like we're going to 896 00:52:49.120 --> 00:52:55.760 justify our own behaviors this is so dangerous but we do it all the time we justify the dysfunction 897 00:52:55.760 --> 00:53:01.840 in our marriage all the time and it's because no one's standing up holding up the blueprint 898 00:53:01.840 --> 00:53:07.760 of divine marriage and saying hey face up you know like step up and I think often we 899 00:53:07.760 --> 00:53:12.960 aren't accountable or we're afraid to if we see friends going through something or we know it 900 00:53:12.960 --> 00:53:16.880 might not even be sure what it is we don't necessarily feel like we have the right to say 901 00:53:16.880 --> 00:53:23.120 hey you guys okay um or or vice versa someone to come to us and say hey we're really struggling 902 00:53:23.120 --> 00:53:29.920 in this area we it seems like it's really taboo it's so scary it's terrifying for me it was one 903 00:53:29.920 --> 00:53:36.960 of the most terrifying concepts and uh yeah oh we'll go into it right now I'll tell you why it's 904 00:53:36.960 --> 00:53:43.440 so scary for me what was so scary for me to ask for help in our marriage is because to me that was 905 00:53:44.000 --> 00:53:49.520 connected with you know like the belief that if we needed help in our marriage we completely failed 906 00:53:49.520 --> 00:53:55.840 like I have failed as a husband if we need help I have failed as a man if we need help I have 907 00:53:55.840 --> 00:54:03.280 failed and not just a little fail like if I failed in my marriage uh this is a huge failure it's not 908 00:54:03.280 --> 00:54:10.400 just a small failure this is enormous and so the sense of like failure attached to that 909 00:54:11.120 --> 00:54:16.960 but produces this irrational fear which is actually what contributes to so much of our 910 00:54:16.960 --> 00:54:25.120 blindness or narcissism right blindness and narcissism is not a conscious choice it's uh 911 00:54:25.120 --> 00:54:32.240 it's the fruit of your subconscious processing and if you're subconsciously processing the fact 912 00:54:32.240 --> 00:54:38.880 and the beliefs that to fail in marriage is the like one of the biggest ways that you could be a 913 00:54:38.880 --> 00:54:46.480 failure as a person the fear attached to that subconsciously is enormous and so subconsciously 914 00:54:46.480 --> 00:54:53.920 we protect ourselves in a really dysfunctional way and the way that we do that is we justify 915 00:54:53.920 --> 00:55:00.080 we put up smoke screens we lie to ourselves and we put up this this barrier to the truth 916 00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:09.120 truth which refuses to acknowledge that we are contributing to the chaos. 917 00:55:09.120 --> 00:55:14.440 So yeah it's the deep questions so they're not easy like it's not a yes no multi-choice 918 00:55:14.440 --> 00:55:16.880 quick done rapid fire answer. 919 00:55:16.880 --> 00:55:22.200 So for us that's what was happening that's kind of like driving the chaos for me but 920 00:55:22.200 --> 00:55:28.000 I think that one of the things that we so desperately need is to restore the standard 921 00:55:28.160 --> 00:55:33.120 because we always compare ourselves to something or we justify ourselves by saying oh we're not 922 00:55:33.120 --> 00:55:38.800 as bad as those guys you know we're kind of doing all right we're not that bad but yeah 923 00:55:39.600 --> 00:55:43.520 we're still together we haven't separated we're still sleeping in the same bed or 924 00:55:43.520 --> 00:55:48.560 you know or whatever it is but we find some way to justify our dysfunction. 925 00:55:49.760 --> 00:55:55.920 And what I don't see many people doing or many ministries doing around the world is actually 926 00:55:56.000 --> 00:56:00.880 just holding up not in a judgmental way or anything like that just saying hey guys yes 927 00:56:00.880 --> 00:56:08.400 here's the blueprint from heaven and the invitation that God has for us to step into marriages 928 00:56:08.400 --> 00:56:14.480 that look like the divine dance there's no power struggle here there's no one trying to 929 00:56:14.480 --> 00:56:19.840 take anything it's a beautiful dance it's a dance of two very powerful people in a place 930 00:56:19.840 --> 00:56:29.360 of extreme generosity giving abundantly to one another in service and delight in a place of 931 00:56:29.360 --> 00:56:37.040 delight giving each other exactly what we want what we need and how we like it what we what we 932 00:56:37.040 --> 00:56:43.360 want when we want and how we like it that's the dance and so I think that's the standard we need 933 00:56:43.360 --> 00:56:47.520 to restore and hold back up so that we've actually got a direction to go to you know like we've got 934 00:56:47.520 --> 00:56:52.960 a vision being restored to us it's proverbs 29 18 without a vision the people perish and if we've 935 00:56:52.960 --> 00:56:58.000 lost the vision of what marriage should be like because we're surrounded by so many dysfunctional 936 00:56:58.000 --> 00:57:02.480 marriages that we've justified a low stand and said this is all marriage is when really God is 937 00:57:02.480 --> 00:57:09.920 saying no no I like the divine dance the fellowship of the trinity perichoresis is the blueprint 938 00:57:09.920 --> 00:57:15.680 of this extravagant phenomenal outrageous love this is the blueprint for marriage where everyone 939 00:57:15.680 --> 00:57:22.080 gets a ridiculous abundance of what they want when they want it and how they like it and so for 940 00:57:22.080 --> 00:57:28.960 us it's kind of like a big part of it is actually just restoring the standard and yeah so I like 941 00:57:28.960 --> 00:57:38.400 what you say about um the fact that we interpret uh and something not working for us as failure 942 00:57:38.400 --> 00:57:45.200 which is a performance mindset not based on connection with with the loving God but and 943 00:57:45.200 --> 00:57:52.000 it's shame based always because performance on shame are always going hand in hand and that very 944 00:57:52.000 --> 00:57:59.840 fact that we we have that hidden shame unknown to us quite unknown to us totally subconscious 945 00:57:59.840 --> 00:58:05.280 but it's there and it's it's endemic in the culture and it's in and in a christian culture 946 00:58:05.280 --> 00:58:11.760 where we're aspiring to more but it's not rooted in connection and then we go into fail we we 947 00:58:11.760 --> 00:58:15.440 discover something's not working and we go into this failure mentality and so we 948 00:58:15.440 --> 00:58:21.120 have to drop the standard to make it okay and so the two things are kind of chicken and egg 949 00:58:21.120 --> 00:58:28.080 aren't they really they're linked you know there's so many things happening in that one moment that 950 00:58:28.080 --> 00:58:33.120 are all interlinked so many things this is where the seven sacred pathways they they fuse together 951 00:58:33.120 --> 00:58:37.760 in moments like this because you've got the spiritual dynamic happening which is you're 952 00:58:37.760 --> 00:58:45.840 taking your identity from your marriage rather than taking your identity from christ yes the 953 00:58:45.840 --> 00:58:50.560 the quality of your marriage is dictating how you feel about yourself and whether or not you're 954 00:58:50.560 --> 00:58:58.240 going to experience that you know that shame um that self-hatred uh that inadequacy all of those 955 00:58:58.240 --> 00:59:03.120 identity issues are going to be connected to that because you don't understand you're not 956 00:59:03.120 --> 00:59:07.920 operating out of this place we're exclusively defined by the trinity you've given some of you've 957 00:59:07.920 --> 00:59:15.440 given marriage and performance and other things space to define you and that becomes an idol and 958 00:59:15.440 --> 00:59:22.080 anytime that there's an idol and when you let something else define your identity it's an idol 959 00:59:23.200 --> 00:59:28.800 you know and so the moment that we allow ourselves and we don't realize how intrinsically we take our 960 00:59:28.800 --> 00:59:33.520 identity from everything else around us rather than just coming looking straight at jesus and 961 00:59:33.520 --> 00:59:39.120 him being the exclusive definition of our identity but so there you see a spiritual issue coming in 962 00:59:39.120 --> 00:59:45.200 play which is an identity dynamic uh then there's those those belief systems that are subconsciously 963 00:59:45.200 --> 00:59:50.480 unconsciously happening which is a mental processing dynamic and then the emotions kick in 964 00:59:50.480 --> 00:59:56.000 and the emotions what the emotions start doing is they boom immediately trigger an amygdala hijack 965 00:59:56.000 --> 00:59:59.920 you know like we go into fight or flight uh response 966 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.120 which brings us out of, and you want to read the book 967 01:00:03.120 --> 01:00:04.040 to get this broken down, 968 01:00:04.040 --> 01:00:06.720 but it brings us out of the frontal cortex, 969 01:00:06.720 --> 01:00:08.660 which is all of our smart part of our brain. 970 01:00:08.660 --> 01:00:11.160 We start operating in a fight, fight from the amygdala, 971 01:00:11.160 --> 01:00:13.400 where it's just like, there's no intelligence there. 972 01:00:13.400 --> 01:00:17.400 It's just, and so our ability to communicate doesn't exist. 973 01:00:17.400 --> 01:00:20.440 We can't communicate in that space. 974 01:00:20.440 --> 01:00:23.120 So it's, you know, I love quoting David now, 975 01:00:23.120 --> 01:00:24.560 but he says it's at that moment 976 01:00:24.560 --> 01:00:26.440 that all adults leave the room. 977 01:00:26.800 --> 01:00:31.880 You know, and so you've got two people who have triggered, 978 01:00:31.880 --> 01:00:33.640 and they don't realize that they've triggered, 979 01:00:33.640 --> 01:00:35.080 and they don't realize that they've triggered 980 01:00:35.080 --> 01:00:39.160 because their spiritual beliefs are out of alignment, 981 01:00:39.160 --> 01:00:41.640 but there they are in that place, 982 01:00:41.640 --> 01:00:44.920 taking identity from a failure, triggering, 983 01:00:44.920 --> 01:00:48.720 having an emotional response that, you know, 984 01:00:48.720 --> 01:00:50.320 puts them in that fight, flight space 985 01:00:50.320 --> 01:00:52.600 where they can't utilize any good communication skills. 986 01:00:52.600 --> 01:00:54.920 That probably links into what we were talking to before, 987 01:00:54.920 --> 01:00:56.560 is I don't know. 988 01:00:56.560 --> 01:00:58.400 I actually can't think at the moment. 989 01:00:58.400 --> 01:01:00.560 I'm not in a safe space. 990 01:01:00.560 --> 01:01:02.680 I can't process. 991 01:01:02.680 --> 01:01:03.960 I'm not safe. 992 01:01:03.960 --> 01:01:05.880 Absolutely, that's why safe atmospheres 993 01:01:05.880 --> 01:01:08.040 has to come first in any communication, 994 01:01:08.040 --> 01:01:10.080 because if you don't have safe atmospheres, 995 01:01:10.080 --> 01:01:11.320 you're gonna trigger, 996 01:01:11.320 --> 01:01:14.680 and you're gonna be in this place of an amygdala hijack, 997 01:01:14.680 --> 01:01:17.120 where a person will say, I don't know, in that sense, 998 01:01:17.120 --> 01:01:19.280 and they will be honest in that moment 999 01:01:19.280 --> 01:01:22.080 because they haven't got access to their frontal cortex. 1000 01:01:22.080 --> 01:01:22.960 They're just trying to operate 1001 01:01:22.960 --> 01:01:24.440 out of the fight, flight part of their brain, 1002 01:01:24.440 --> 01:01:26.560 and there's no information there. 1003 01:01:26.560 --> 01:01:28.280 Like, all that is there is, 1004 01:01:28.280 --> 01:01:33.280 argh, there's adrenaline, there's cortisol, there's rage. 1005 01:01:33.320 --> 01:01:35.800 You know, like, there's all these primal, 1006 01:01:35.800 --> 01:01:40.800 like, beast mode instincts that are not, 1007 01:01:41.160 --> 01:01:43.360 they are no good for communication. 1008 01:01:43.360 --> 01:01:45.160 They are, like, you know, 1009 01:01:46.800 --> 01:01:47.640 fight, flight, right? 1010 01:01:47.640 --> 01:01:48.760 If you've been chased by a tiger, 1011 01:01:48.760 --> 01:01:50.320 it is not the time to be like, 1012 01:01:50.320 --> 01:01:52.280 sit down rationally and say, 1013 01:01:52.280 --> 01:01:55.080 when you chew on my leg, I feel. 1014 01:01:56.240 --> 01:01:57.720 You know, like, your brain is like, 1015 01:01:57.720 --> 01:01:59.760 we don't need that information right now. 1016 01:01:59.760 --> 01:02:02.040 We do not need any of that information right now. 1017 01:02:02.040 --> 01:02:04.280 What we need is we need some violence. 1018 01:02:04.280 --> 01:02:08.480 We need some adrenaline pumping through our veins 1019 01:02:08.480 --> 01:02:10.560 so we can have superhuman strength. 1020 01:02:11.720 --> 01:02:13.560 And so that's, I mean, that's even why, you know, 1021 01:02:13.560 --> 01:02:15.840 like, couples will say things they regret, 1022 01:02:15.840 --> 01:02:19.240 you know, hurt someone, or anything like that happens, 1023 01:02:19.240 --> 01:02:22.960 because they are not using the smart part of their brain. 1024 01:02:22.960 --> 01:02:24.320 They're just using the fight, flight, 1025 01:02:24.320 --> 01:02:25.160 amygdala part of their brain. 1026 01:02:25.160 --> 01:02:28.000 It's just like, argh, a rage moment. 1027 01:02:28.000 --> 01:02:33.000 And so, yeah, so there's a lot happening in that moment 1028 01:02:33.040 --> 01:02:34.840 that can shut us right down. 1029 01:02:37.920 --> 01:02:42.920 So, I'm just trying to kind of bring this into a wrap up. 1030 01:02:44.320 --> 01:02:46.480 So Dorcas, hopefully that just gives you a little bit 1031 01:02:46.480 --> 01:02:49.840 of more context in terms of why someone might say, 1032 01:02:49.840 --> 01:02:50.680 I don't know. 1033 01:02:50.680 --> 01:02:53.240 But then, this extreme ownership moment, 1034 01:02:53.240 --> 01:02:55.760 let's kind of bring it back to that concept 1035 01:02:55.760 --> 01:02:57.120 of I don't know, right? 1036 01:02:57.120 --> 01:02:57.960 Well, I don't know. 1037 01:02:57.960 --> 01:02:59.840 What your husband has to take ownership for 1038 01:02:59.840 --> 01:03:02.360 in this context is that he has to realize 1039 01:03:02.360 --> 01:03:06.320 that I don't know is not gonna give him 1040 01:03:06.320 --> 01:03:08.760 the marriage that God designed for you. 1041 01:03:08.760 --> 01:03:10.440 So he has to take ownership of that. 1042 01:03:10.440 --> 01:03:12.640 And then he has to, like, get to a place 1043 01:03:12.640 --> 01:03:14.920 where he's not having an amygdala hijack 1044 01:03:14.920 --> 01:03:16.120 or where he does feel calm. 1045 01:03:16.760 --> 01:03:19.280 And he's gotta go and get you some good information. 1046 01:03:21.160 --> 01:03:24.480 That is the responsibility of each of us in our marriage, 1047 01:03:24.480 --> 01:03:25.720 is good information. 1048 01:03:27.640 --> 01:03:32.640 It's my responsibility to make you feel safe. 1049 01:03:36.320 --> 01:03:39.480 It's your responsibility to give me good information. 1050 01:03:41.120 --> 01:03:44.240 And that is, again, one of those chicken and egg moments 1051 01:03:44.240 --> 01:03:46.920 because which is gonna come first? 1052 01:03:46.920 --> 01:03:49.400 The safety or the vulnerability? 1053 01:03:50.480 --> 01:03:53.520 Somewhere you have to break the stalemate. 1054 01:03:53.520 --> 01:03:56.000 The thing that has to come first is not safety 1055 01:03:56.000 --> 01:03:58.040 and it's not vulnerability, it's courage. 1056 01:03:59.840 --> 01:04:02.400 The thing that has to always come first 1057 01:04:02.400 --> 01:04:04.920 is relentless courage. 1058 01:04:04.920 --> 01:04:07.120 Because someone's gonna have to... 1059 01:04:07.120 --> 01:04:08.880 You both probably feel unsafe. 1060 01:04:08.880 --> 01:04:12.080 You both probably don't feel like being vulnerable. 1061 01:04:12.080 --> 01:04:15.120 You both probably don't feel like giving out 1062 01:04:15.120 --> 01:04:17.120 that deep information right now. 1063 01:04:17.120 --> 01:04:20.080 You probably both feel like punishing each other. 1064 01:04:20.080 --> 01:04:21.160 But you're gonna ask yourself, 1065 01:04:21.160 --> 01:04:22.880 well, is that really gonna give us 1066 01:04:22.880 --> 01:04:25.200 the divine design for marriage? 1067 01:04:27.720 --> 01:04:29.400 And the answer is it's not. 1068 01:04:29.400 --> 01:04:34.400 So sooner or later, courage has to come in to the equation 1069 01:04:35.200 --> 01:04:36.760 and someone has to step into the place 1070 01:04:36.760 --> 01:04:39.480 where they're willing to bring out 1071 01:04:40.360 --> 01:04:44.240 the, start creating safety and start creating vulnerability. 1072 01:04:44.240 --> 01:04:48.360 So for us, the pain leads me to ask a new question, 1073 01:04:48.360 --> 01:04:52.120 which is how am I causing chaos in our marriage? 1074 01:04:52.120 --> 01:04:54.400 But that question is such a terrible question 1075 01:04:54.400 --> 01:04:57.040 because that question alone can cause an amygdala hijack. 1076 01:04:57.040 --> 01:04:59.000 You know, that question alone can cause you to flip out 1077 01:04:59.000 --> 01:04:59.840 and go, ah! 1078 01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.200 Like, me being an issue, all of a sudden there's that sense of failure, it's that sense of, 1079 01:05:05.200 --> 01:05:10.080 oh my gosh, all those things, and I'm not enough, inadequacy, all those things get triggered 1080 01:05:10.080 --> 01:05:15.160 in that moment, and then we automatically go back into, you know, like, fight or flight, 1081 01:05:15.160 --> 01:05:19.120 and so we can't get good information, so we can kind of get stuck in this place. 1082 01:05:19.120 --> 01:05:24.000 So what you're going to have to do somehow is work through this, and it might take, like, 1083 01:05:24.000 --> 01:05:28.000 it doesn't happen overnight, you know, it took us a long time, took us years of struggling 1084 01:05:28.000 --> 01:05:36.080 processing through this, but I had to come to that place of taking ownership and stopping 1085 01:05:36.080 --> 01:05:39.680 all this relentless justification. 1086 01:05:39.680 --> 01:05:45.280 And it takes both of you as well, like, it's not down to one person to create that safe 1087 01:05:45.280 --> 01:05:50.480 atmosphere, it takes both of you actually willing to work on it. 1088 01:05:50.480 --> 01:05:56.400 Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, there's no way, there's no way around that. 1089 01:05:56.400 --> 01:06:02.400 It's possible, right, it's possible for anyone, if they apply the principles of, you know, 1090 01:06:02.400 --> 01:06:07.520 that we put in the Seven Sacred Pathways, it's possible for anyone to create a marriage 1091 01:06:07.520 --> 01:06:13.520 like that, but I'd actually do a shout out to all the singles, it's way easier for you, 1092 01:06:13.520 --> 01:06:19.520 start now, right, because with a single person, you get to choose your canvas, right, you 1093 01:06:19.520 --> 01:06:25.120 get, you know, you get a blank canvas, and your canvas isn't always exactly what it makes 1094 01:06:25.200 --> 01:06:30.960 out to be, you know, there's plenty of people that have lied and, you know, in terms of 1095 01:06:30.960 --> 01:06:36.080 who they are to get married to someone, and then they change, but in general, when you, 1096 01:06:36.080 --> 01:06:40.160 if you're a single person, you get to choose your canvas, like, if you're like us, right, 1097 01:06:40.160 --> 01:06:44.640 and you wake up realising, obviously, we were single people, and we were stoked that we 1098 01:06:44.640 --> 01:06:48.000 chose each other, but then we woke up and not wanting to be married to each other. 1099 01:06:48.560 --> 01:06:53.280 Oh, you're like, not liking this marriage. Actually, I don't think it was waking up, 1100 01:06:53.280 --> 01:06:59.200 not wanting to be married, it was going to sleep. After that conversation. Yeah, it was, 1101 01:06:59.200 --> 01:07:02.960 it was a whole, like, it was a whole marriage, we were like, I don't think we actually want 1102 01:07:02.960 --> 01:07:10.880 to be married to each other right now. So people will be in all sorts of different places 1103 01:07:11.840 --> 01:07:17.840 of their, of their journey. But if you are single, it's really cool, kind of like a really 1104 01:07:17.840 --> 01:07:23.520 cool opportunity to start taking extreme ownership now, it's so much easier. But if you're already 1105 01:07:23.520 --> 01:07:28.480 in a marriage, and like us, we didn't want to be married to each other. And we were like, 1106 01:07:29.280 --> 01:07:35.040 not really even acknowledging that, but feeling that. And then going, right, I've got to take 1107 01:07:35.200 --> 01:07:44.000 extreme ownership. So the, and I can't highlight or emphasize enough how important it is 1108 01:07:46.160 --> 01:07:56.880 to stop justifying that we relentlessly justify dysfunction. And that's where the marriage, 1109 01:07:56.880 --> 01:08:02.240 the blueprint has to come back, has to be restored. So you have to be able to justify 1110 01:08:03.040 --> 01:08:10.720 that. The blueprint restored for marriage, which is the, you know, the divine dance, 1111 01:08:10.720 --> 01:08:14.880 God's, God's blueprint for marriage, everyone getting what they want, when they want it, 1112 01:08:14.880 --> 01:08:20.479 how they like it in a radical abundance of it. Everyone having, having all their needs, 1113 01:08:20.479 --> 01:08:25.680 their wants, their dreams and their desires abundantly met. That's the divine design 1114 01:08:25.680 --> 01:08:31.680 without manipulation or control, but through generosity and extravagance, that that's the, 1115 01:08:31.680 --> 01:08:35.920 that's the blueprint. So one, we have to actually re-acknowledge that this is what marriage looks 1116 01:08:35.920 --> 01:08:40.960 like. Yeah, this is, this is the standard. This is God's standard marriage. This is the blueprint. 1117 01:08:40.960 --> 01:08:44.880 This is what we're going after. So we have to acknowledge that we actually have to take 1118 01:08:44.880 --> 01:08:52.880 ownership that, that God didn't design marriage for, you know, to be average or to be, you know, 1119 01:08:52.880 --> 01:09:00.319 dysfunctional. I guess like it's this, we have to see a new blueprint, right? Because people 1120 01:09:00.319 --> 01:09:07.600 have just got these dysfunction. They've, they've, they've justified dysfunction as okay. 1121 01:09:09.200 --> 01:09:15.120 And they say, no, this is okay in a marriage. And I think what God wants to do for us is destroy 1122 01:09:15.120 --> 01:09:20.319 our dysfunctional definitions of what's okay in marriage and restore the blueprint and say, 1123 01:09:20.319 --> 01:09:25.520 actually guys, this is what's okay. And dysfunction's not okay. And I want you guys 1124 01:09:25.520 --> 01:09:28.640 to come over here because you're going to enjoy yourselves more than you've ever imagined. 1125 01:09:31.279 --> 01:09:39.279 So. And to do that, we have to ditch shame. Yeah, we're going to have to ditch a lot of things, 1126 01:09:39.279 --> 01:09:45.120 but that, that blueprint has to be restored. And then once that blueprint's restored, then we can, 1127 01:09:45.120 --> 01:09:49.200 we can start answering. So how am I creating chaos in our marriage? Once we've seen the 1128 01:09:49.200 --> 01:09:52.399 blueprint restored and go, oh, well, this is what marriage is supposed to look like. 1129 01:09:52.399 --> 01:09:56.560 Or here's, once we can see what marriage is supposed to look like, we can then 1130 01:09:56.560 --> 01:09:59.760 have the contrast to actually accurately. 1131 01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.720 define and identify dysfunction. 1132 01:10:04.360 --> 01:10:05.920 If the blueprint hasn't been stored, 1133 01:10:05.920 --> 01:10:08.280 there's no contrast to actually say, 1134 01:10:08.280 --> 01:10:10.000 you know, if everything's gray, 1135 01:10:10.000 --> 01:10:11.200 if there's no black and no white, 1136 01:10:11.200 --> 01:10:13.720 you can't say, well, that's unhealthy and this is healthy, 1137 01:10:13.720 --> 01:10:15.960 and this is God's design and this is not. 1138 01:10:15.960 --> 01:10:18.760 So you can easily justify, 1139 01:10:18.760 --> 01:10:20.960 and when you live in the gray zone, 1140 01:10:20.960 --> 01:10:23.160 when you haven't grabbed ahold of God's blueprint, 1141 01:10:23.160 --> 01:10:26.040 he goes, oh, you justify punishing each other, 1142 01:10:26.040 --> 01:10:29.840 justify being selfish. 1143 01:10:29.840 --> 01:10:31.280 But when God's standard is restored, 1144 01:10:31.280 --> 01:10:32.360 you can't justify anymore. 1145 01:10:32.360 --> 01:10:34.040 It's like the light, you know, you turn the light on, 1146 01:10:34.040 --> 01:10:36.080 it's like, whoa, everything gets exposed, 1147 01:10:36.080 --> 01:10:39.200 and no one wants to turn the light on and get exposed. 1148 01:10:39.200 --> 01:10:40.800 No one wants their darkness to be exposed, 1149 01:10:40.800 --> 01:10:42.360 but this is what God wants to flip the light on 1150 01:10:42.360 --> 01:10:46.320 in our marriages and go, ta-da, this is my blueprint. 1151 01:10:46.320 --> 01:10:48.200 But the moment the light flicks on, 1152 01:10:48.200 --> 01:10:49.880 you cannot hide the dysfunctions, 1153 01:10:49.880 --> 01:10:54.200 like, oh, right there, oh, there's a lot of codependency, 1154 01:10:54.200 --> 01:10:55.640 there's a lot of power struggle, 1155 01:10:55.640 --> 01:10:56.880 there's a lot of manipulation, 1156 01:10:56.880 --> 01:10:59.000 there's a lot of control, there's a lot of sulking. 1157 01:10:59.000 --> 01:11:00.440 Wow, there's some bad atmospheres, 1158 01:11:00.440 --> 01:11:01.720 there's some unhealthy emotions, 1159 01:11:01.720 --> 01:11:03.040 there's an identity crisis. 1160 01:11:03.040 --> 01:11:08.040 It's like, it's all right there 1161 01:11:08.040 --> 01:11:11.040 when we flip the light on of restoring the standard. 1162 01:11:11.040 --> 01:11:13.960 So once the standard's restored, 1163 01:11:13.960 --> 01:11:17.720 then you ask yourself, well, how am I creating the chaos? 1164 01:11:17.720 --> 01:11:19.840 That's when I had to start taking ownership. 1165 01:11:19.840 --> 01:11:21.480 For me personally, one of the worst things 1166 01:11:21.480 --> 01:11:23.200 that I was doing in our marriage 1167 01:11:23.200 --> 01:11:26.760 was when Alana turned me down, I'd initiate sex. 1168 01:11:26.760 --> 01:11:28.800 Wow, she's not surprised, she turned me down, 1169 01:11:29.600 --> 01:11:30.800 I just really had a plan in place, 1170 01:11:30.800 --> 01:11:33.880 not all the time, but just the majority of the time. 1171 01:11:33.880 --> 01:11:38.880 And so, then I would, then, 1172 01:11:40.400 --> 01:11:41.560 this is one of the first things 1173 01:11:41.560 --> 01:11:42.640 I had to take ownership for, 1174 01:11:42.640 --> 01:11:46.160 is then I would punish her by sulking. 1175 01:11:46.160 --> 01:11:49.600 I'd create an unsafe atmosphere, 1176 01:11:49.600 --> 01:11:52.440 I'd be judging her, punishing her, 1177 01:11:52.440 --> 01:11:55.680 it would all be sparking, I'm like, ah, sulking, 1178 01:11:55.680 --> 01:11:57.440 weaponizing my emotions, 1179 01:11:57.480 --> 01:11:59.880 and then she'd want me to be vulnerable. 1180 01:11:59.880 --> 01:12:00.880 Yeah, right? 1181 01:12:04.760 --> 01:12:07.480 And so, what I had to do is I had to just take ownership 1182 01:12:07.480 --> 01:12:12.480 of that and go, whoa, what a loser, what a loser. 1183 01:12:12.520 --> 01:12:15.040 Like, I'm bringing this, we sometimes joke about 1184 01:12:15.040 --> 01:12:17.000 calling it a crapmosphere, 1185 01:12:17.000 --> 01:12:19.200 bringing this crapmosphere into my bedroom. 1186 01:12:20.400 --> 01:12:22.600 What, why would I do that? 1187 01:12:22.600 --> 01:12:27.080 Like, if I wanna get sex, I have to realize 1188 01:12:27.720 --> 01:12:31.760 that sulking is so not sexy, it is not sexy. 1189 01:12:31.760 --> 01:12:34.000 I don't know if you've ever seen someone having a big sulk 1190 01:12:34.000 --> 01:12:37.280 and just being outrageously turned on. 1191 01:12:37.280 --> 01:12:38.480 Probably a lot of guys have been, 1192 01:12:38.480 --> 01:12:39.640 because that doesn't really matter. 1193 01:12:39.640 --> 01:12:41.600 It's just like, wow, a lady. 1194 01:12:42.640 --> 01:12:47.320 But in general, sulking is not sexy. 1195 01:12:47.320 --> 01:12:50.600 And so, what was I thinking that in my brain, 1196 01:12:50.600 --> 01:12:53.000 I thought, I want more sex, I know what I'll do, 1197 01:12:53.000 --> 01:12:56.440 I'll sulk and totally wreck the atmosphere 1198 01:12:56.440 --> 01:12:59.000 in our bedroom, this'll work amazingly well. 1199 01:12:59.000 --> 01:13:00.280 And you know what, I'm not gonna do it once, 1200 01:13:00.280 --> 01:13:03.600 I'm gonna do it hundreds of times. 1201 01:13:03.600 --> 01:13:07.240 And yeah, it didn't work well. 1202 01:13:07.240 --> 01:13:08.480 So, I had to take ownership for that. 1203 01:13:08.480 --> 01:13:11.840 So, it was like, whoa, I gotta completely change the game. 1204 01:13:11.840 --> 01:13:14.720 So, that meant that when Alana, you know, 1205 01:13:14.720 --> 01:13:16.960 when I decide, okay, I'm gonna take ownership 1206 01:13:16.960 --> 01:13:19.880 for this behavior of mine, this unsafe atmosphere, 1207 01:13:19.880 --> 01:13:21.680 it meant that when she initiated, 1208 01:13:21.680 --> 01:13:23.520 you know, if I initiated and she turned me down, 1209 01:13:23.520 --> 01:13:25.680 I'd be like, okay, babe, no worries. 1210 01:13:27.320 --> 01:13:29.840 No sulking, and so she's like, 1211 01:13:29.840 --> 01:13:31.280 waiting for this negative atmosphere 1212 01:13:31.280 --> 01:13:33.520 to come like a storm into the room. 1213 01:13:36.240 --> 01:13:39.000 Okay, bless you, Sue, so cool to have you with us. 1214 01:13:40.200 --> 01:13:41.640 Yeah, all good. 1215 01:13:41.640 --> 01:13:44.040 And then it didn't happen. 1216 01:13:44.040 --> 01:13:45.160 Then no storm. 1217 01:13:48.320 --> 01:13:50.400 It took a while for me to, 1218 01:13:50.400 --> 01:13:53.120 like for him to rebuild that trust with me. 1219 01:13:53.120 --> 01:13:53.960 Yes. 1220 01:13:53.960 --> 01:13:54.800 In that area. 1221 01:13:57.440 --> 01:14:00.440 Yeah, so that's a thing for guys as well, right? 1222 01:14:00.440 --> 01:14:01.280 It's not instant. 1223 01:14:01.280 --> 01:14:03.400 The rebuilding the trust is not instant. 1224 01:14:05.280 --> 01:14:08.040 It didn't just take a week of good behavior 1225 01:14:08.040 --> 01:14:09.560 to sort that out. 1226 01:14:10.760 --> 01:14:13.320 It took, you know, repetitive, 1227 01:14:13.320 --> 01:14:17.120 like consistent, safe behavior to restore the standard. 1228 01:14:20.360 --> 01:14:22.160 Yeah, cool. 1229 01:14:22.160 --> 01:14:23.000 Well, I think, 1230 01:14:23.120 --> 01:14:26.120 cool, yeah, I think we'll just kind of wrap it up. 1231 01:14:26.120 --> 01:14:27.720 From there, unless there's another question. 1232 01:14:27.720 --> 01:14:29.280 Andrea, have you got anything right 1233 01:14:29.280 --> 01:14:30.560 on the tip of your tongue? 1234 01:14:33.280 --> 01:14:34.120 I don't. 1235 01:14:35.160 --> 01:14:36.200 It was amazing. 1236 01:14:38.040 --> 01:14:43.040 This is my first class with, 1237 01:14:43.560 --> 01:14:45.960 on this, on this panel. 1238 01:14:45.960 --> 01:14:47.840 So I'm really excited about it. 1239 01:14:47.840 --> 01:14:49.160 I'm really excited about it. 1240 01:14:49.160 --> 01:14:50.480 I'm really excited about it. 1241 01:14:51.080 --> 01:14:53.800 Class with, on this topic. 1242 01:14:53.800 --> 01:14:55.880 So I'm just kind of soaking it in 1243 01:14:55.880 --> 01:14:57.680 and getting the vibe here, 1244 01:14:57.680 --> 01:14:59.160 but this is really good. 1245 01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:10.400 That's cool. I just got married in October 2020 so you know I'm like okay I'm gonna set us up for 1246 01:15:10.400 --> 01:15:19.920 success and try to avoid some of some of these stories. Absolutely that's cool so can we just 1247 01:15:19.920 --> 01:15:25.840 chat with you for a moment before we let you before we wrap up because just yeah cool cool. 1248 01:15:25.840 --> 01:15:26.720 So where are you guys? 1249 01:15:31.280 --> 01:15:31.760 Uh-oh. 1250 01:15:36.240 --> 01:15:45.120 Uh-oh. Yeah okay good it froze for a minute I thought I lost you. So we're in San Diego, 1251 01:15:45.120 --> 01:15:52.960 California. We're actually about about 30 minutes away from uh Sub and Claire where they live. 1252 01:15:53.760 --> 01:16:04.960 Great that is so cool um so you got married in October last year that's so fun. Yeah it is and 1253 01:16:04.960 --> 01:16:14.000 I married a uh childhood friend I've known him since I was eight years old. Yes that's amazing 1254 01:16:14.000 --> 01:16:23.520 and so you guys is this uh first marriage second second marriage? Yeah this is my second marriage 1255 01:16:24.320 --> 01:16:26.960 and um this is his 1256 01:16:29.520 --> 01:16:36.720 third marriage so we um we actually we were together for six years before we got married 1257 01:16:37.600 --> 01:16:44.320 and um we went through some counseling before we got married to uh you know work out some 1258 01:16:44.320 --> 01:16:52.960 communication issues and to try and set us up for some success so uh but you can't you know 1259 01:16:54.080 --> 01:17:00.640 I think you can't work on it enough you know you can't you you can't bring enough God enough 1260 01:17:00.640 --> 01:17:05.520 enough godly input into your marriage you know I'm like keep it coming yeah. 1261 01:17:07.360 --> 01:17:11.120 Very cool that's great well we'll be excited to be sharing the book with you guys 1262 01:17:11.680 --> 01:17:16.720 next week um it is done we're just doing a couple of tiny little touches on it and then we'll 1263 01:17:16.720 --> 01:17:22.240 unleash so um but Andrea why don't you close for us in prayer as we uh as we wrap up for today. 1264 01:17:23.120 --> 01:17:32.880 Amen okay oh heavenly father you are just good all the time all the time you are so so good 1265 01:17:33.760 --> 01:17:43.120 and we uh we just love this father I love this I love that the vulnerability and the openness 1266 01:17:43.120 --> 01:17:51.280 and the passion and just the truth you know just the truth that uh Benji and Alana are 1267 01:17:51.280 --> 01:17:58.080 laying out there uh and I'm just so grateful to have uh you know to have this at this time 1268 01:17:58.080 --> 01:18:03.520 in my life where people are talking about true things things that uh really come up 1269 01:18:04.240 --> 01:18:12.000 in in marriage and I love they God you're not afraid you know to address real issues and we 1270 01:18:12.000 --> 01:18:17.760 can talk about things in in an honest way and we don't have to pretend like everything's perfect 1271 01:18:17.760 --> 01:18:24.160 all the time and that's just amazing father and we just thank you that you're there for us father 1272 01:18:24.160 --> 01:18:30.800 you're always there to meet our needs you're always there to show us the the better way the 1273 01:18:30.800 --> 01:18:37.680 good path father the narrow path God you show us you have a blueprint for us father and you are 1274 01:18:37.680 --> 01:18:46.000 revealing that uh to us through this teaching and we're just so thankful to uh to receive that God 1275 01:18:46.000 --> 01:18:52.320 we're just so thankful that you uh you don't leave us floundering here uh with no direction 1276 01:18:53.120 --> 01:19:00.880 and uh God we just we seek you we honor you we bless you father we uh we just are so grateful 1277 01:19:01.520 --> 01:19:08.720 for your holy spirit for the trinity just we want to dance with the trinity in our marriages 1278 01:19:08.800 --> 01:19:15.520 in our friendships in our parenting in our relationships in our lives God uh and we are 1279 01:19:15.520 --> 01:19:25.760 just uh just amazed at who you are and just it's your amazing goodness thank you for this teaching 1280 01:19:25.760 --> 01:19:32.480 thank you for this day may everyone just walk out of here uh feeling empowered and blessed and 1281 01:19:32.480 --> 01:19:40.480 hopeful God in Jesus holy name we pray amen bless you guys we'll catch you soon and have a 1282 01:19:40.480 --> 01:19:48.160 wonderful weekend um if anyone's just tracking on this as well tomorrow 7 a.m New Zealand time is 1283 01:19:48.160 --> 01:19:53.920 when we are giving away the free kingdom businesses so bless you and we'll catch you soon see ya