meeting is now streaming. All right, cool, cool, fam. Welcome to the adventure.
Always a delight to be sharing this time together. We are looking forward to this
time. It's always a good chat. This is part two in the Seven Sacred Pathways to Intimacy and
on the Sensual and Sexual Pathways. So that is going to be a bit of fun.
We will just kind of kick around a little bit, waiting for people to jump on here. But
while we are waiting, let's just double check that everything's streaming like it should be.
I'm pretty sure it is. And then we will, maybe we'll just get a few little teasers out of the
book. Yep, sweet, that's happening. Cool. So if you haven't read the book yet, then the juicy
chapter is the last one, right? That's where you're saving the best till last. Yeah, saving
the best till last. That is where we talk about the sexual pathway, chapter 10. So we had a few,
well, we had a part, oh, here we go. We had part one a couple of weeks ago. And then last week,
we didn't have a session, but it's cool to be jumping on board here with people now. Who've
we got jumping in here? Hones, someone's jumping in here. That's awesome. We looked at some stats
on porn and a few other things. Honey's here. Okay. Owie, how are you doing there, bud?
Can you hear me all right, Owen? Oh, yeah, we're just getting set up. How are you going?
Good, good, good, good to see you there. So we talked a little bit about our honeymoon in the
last one. And we talked about some porn stats. Let me do a quick recap on porn stats. This is pretty
dynamic for you. And then as people jump on board, feel free to get chatty and ask questions.
So interesting quote here from Theodore Roosevelt, which is comparison is the thief of joy.
So we talked as well about how we had no sex for ages. I think at the longest time was probably
like seven months for us. Lana doesn't count. I count all of that stuff nearly to the day.
So it was probably over seven months or around about that in our worst time.
I'm sure it was just the other day.
Well, it was just the other day for lately. So we went through some of the interesting stuff
that we went through was porn stats and sex stats and health stats.
Porn in the church. Porn in the church stats. Porn in pastors stats. But before we jump into
that, we're going to pray. Owen, seeing as you're in here, why don't you pray for us to
kick the session off?
Nice.
Yeah, he can unmute though. He's just figuring it out.
There you go.
We're on mute.
So I was doing the press briefing.
Yeah, that's all good.
Yeah, well, we just thank you, Father, for your blessings, Lord. We pray that you just speak to
us, Lord, that your Holy Spirit would be with us and lead us into all truth. Father, we thank you
for our marriages. We thank you that you want to bless them and you want them to fill them with joy
and love. And Lord, I just pray that this time would be precious and that you would speak to
us through our word and through the testimony in Jesus' name. Amen.
Amen. Very cool.
We're going to unmute because of our kids.
Yeah, all good.
Where did you do that?
Sweet. So...
uh last night because this is the sensual and the sexual it's not just the sexual but last night it
was a good night usually thursday night um lana gets a massage so a nice oil massage for lana last
night which was great um and then i i tried my moves on it real pretty intense no i didn't really
i usually just let her go to sleep because that's her favorite and um one of the things that we've
been looking at in the intellectual pathway is just really about understanding what everyone
wants sonia good to see there you got your camera working well done
yeah she's a good donor through my phone oh yep good move cunning move so um
with the intellectual pathway one of the things we've talked about a bunch is just
learning it's so much of this journey into intimacy is learning about what everyone wants
uh you know a big big focus for us has been learning how to get you know create a marriage
where both people get exactly what they want when they want it and how they like it uh which if you
want to create that type of marriage then it requires lots and lots of good information
so um so one of the things that alana and i know is that uh if it's a night kind of dedicated to
alana that she loves a good oil massage followed by going straight to sleep
and uh and she got it she got what she wanted when she wanted it and how she liked it last night
but it took a while to get there didn't it benjamin uh yeah what about eight years
about eight years something like that eight years of struggle pain of me getting a massage
and you trying it oh yeah well in the past i used to give you a message so i could get sex
yeah that was why i was giving you a message in the past it was actually just but that was because
i was so desperate because i never really got sick so i was like man i've got to try something
that might work um but now uh you take care of me a whole lot better so it's way easier just to
give you messages and then not be desperate and horny um so uh let's just jump back in here and
check out a few stats again just recap some of these stats because um so seven common sex issues
in marriage who wants to hear seven common sex issues in marriage the crowd goes wild niece i
can see niece is pumped for it yeah niece is pumped okay let me give you so number one is affairs
that's like that's probably one of the biggest sex issues in marriage is affairs
um then the next on the list is porn it's just um is porn so your porn is probably one of the
second biggest um issues in the in the sexual area in marriages so here's one of the stats is
57 percent of pastors in the states said that porn addictions were the most damaging issue in
their church and 69 percent of pastors said that porn had had a negative impact on their church
and here's interesting dynamics well only seven percent of pastors said that their church provides
any type of support to people who are struggling with porn and just like this crazy kind of stat
right that 57 percent of churches porn is the single most damaging issue in their church
but only seven percent of churches provide any type of support to that so just remember that
those stats they're really interesting 57 percent and seven percent so there's only seven percent of
churches doing something um that leaves 50 percent of churches where porn is the single biggest issue
in their church yet they aren't doing anything about it and here's some more like christian
church stats so 68 percent of men who attend church regularly and more than 50 percent of
pastors admitted to observing porn on a regular and consistent basis so 68 percent of american
church going men said that they had a consistent ongoing uh engagement with porn and over 50 of
the pastors um 70 percent 76 percent of young christian adults between 18 and 24 said they
searched and watched searched for and watched porn on a consistent basis 76 percent of the young
people and so according to the study over 50 percent of american pastors are struggling with
porn themselves so if you think of why there's 57 percent of churches say that porn is the most
damaging thing in their church and then only seven percent are doing something about it why is it
but it's because that 50 that aren't doing anything about it's because the past is hooked on porn too
and so he actually can't do anything about the single biggest issue in their church because
he's
struggling or she's struggling.
The pastor's struggling with porn themselves,
so they can't really help.
So they might be doing marriage courses
and relationship courses and stuff,
but this is undermining all of that.
Yeah, absolutely.
Underlying porn issues,
it's gonna mess with the whole atmosphere of the church.
55% of married men and 25% of married women
admitted to watching porn at least on a monthly basis.
So 55% of married men and 25% of married women
admitted to watching porn on at least a monthly basis.
And then 47% of American families acknowledged
that porn is a consistent problem in their household.
And 56% of American divorces record one spouse
as having an obsessive interest in porn sites.
So if you think about it with marriage stats
being at about 50% and 56% of those marriages
being divorce, sorry, 56% of those divorces
being based on obsession with porn,
that would mean that you've got at least around 25%
of marriages in the States
where porn obsession is a big deal.
So that's pretty high stats.
Any thoughts on that, team?
You wanna add anything in there?
Yes, those are quite alarming statistics,
particularly when there are people
who are struggling emotionally
to actually just live in this world.
And part of the church's role is to actually empower people
through the word of God and through fellowship to overcome.
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Oh, were you gonna say something there?
No, I was just thinking about that.
If that's the stats in the church,
then no wonder the divorce rate in the church
is just as bad as people that are not in the church.
So it makes sense.
Yeah, it's pretty intense, eh?
So that was the top two reasons
for sex issues in marriage.
Sex issues in marriage, so affairs and then porn.
And then the next one is a low sex drive.
So if you haven't read the book,
you can check this out in the book,
but low sex drive
and or just not being in the mood for sex,
which was us for ages, eh?
No, it was me.
Oh yeah, that's right, it was you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh, that was all you.
So I actually, I bought a book.
I bought a book called
How to Turn Your Wife into a Nymphomaniac
by a guy named Carl Zorro.
Now, so you gotta be careful
if you ever look up that book,
if you're a guy like me, who was like,
man, how do I get more sex?
So this is a Christian book.
It's a Christian book by a Christian author,
but it's not to be mistaken by another book
that's really similar to this book.
It's got a similar title,
which says How to Turn Your Wife
into a Raving Nymphomaniac.
Okay, so there's one book that's called
How to Turn Your Wife into a Nymphomaniac.
That's a Christian book,
but just avoid the How to Turn Your Wife
into a Raving Nymphomaniac
because that is not a Christian book at all.
And if you search for that one,
you'll get all sorts of porn on your screen.
Like I was looking for,
I didn't even know that second book existed,
but when I was looking for the other one,
it popped up and I thought, oh yeah, I've got it.
It was like a nude woman on the front.
I was like, oh, that's the wrong thing right there.
It was like moving right along.
But there's some really good things in that book.
Actually, it was, he used the title Draw People In,
who were in marriages where there was kind of
sexist marriages or struggling or they wanted more.
And I actually had a friend who,
he went about, I think he said over 30 years
in his marriage without sex.
How's that?
Over 30 years without sex in their marriage.
So here's 10 things that can reduce someone's sex drive.
So unsafe atmospheres.
That was us a ton.
Do you want to describe that cycle a little bit?
I know we've covered it a bit already.
That I didn't want it and you did.
And that leads to you manipulating me
and me wanting it even less
and you wanting it even more in a downward spiral.
Yeah, and I'd use emotions to punish Alana
and I'd sulk and I'd pout
and I'd create a really unsafe atmosphere.
I was punishing Alana.
So that's.
And then you would try and like,
bless me with something with the ulterior motive.
of to get sex. Yeah, it didn't work. So we got so here's here's some of the here's the 10 things
that can reduce someone's sex drive. Okay, so first one is unsafe atmospheres. Second one is
narcissism. So one of the challenges with narcissism and we should be like, with narcissism,
it's like a spectrum as well, right? So you can someone can be like a low level struggle with
narcissism versus all the way through to like a pathological narcissist and like extreme. So
there's a whole journey there. But the problem with it is that narcissism is basically blindness,
so you wouldn't know if you've got it. So that was really challenging. So for me, that was like,
years and years and years of struggling with that. But the only reason that I kind of really
came to understand that I had that issue is because the pain never went away. So with narcissism,
here's what it does is it enables you to become your own worst enemy and blame everyone else for
your problems. So that's exactly how I lived in our marriage for probably seven, probably about
seven or so years, I was the catalyst of all that chaos. But I was blind to it. So I blamed Alana
for everything that was going wrong. And I was open and saying, yeah, I need help. There's stuff
going on that is making me not want to have sex with you. Yeah. So get into our space a little bit
more. I thought that the problem in our marriage was Alana had issues and those issues led to her
having a low sex drive. And that caused all of our other problems. Because the narcissist dynamic,
and I'm not saying I was a pathological narcissist, but I'm saying it's a spectrum.
And this enabled me to be creating all these problems in our marriage. And it's like, you know,
having a log in my own eye. I had a log, but I was trying to pull the splinter out of Alana's eye.
I was like, oh, like all of our problems. So when I was praying or anything, I was doing like that,
the problem was never me. The problem was like, we've got to fix Alana.
But the thing is that they went on for years and years and years and years and nothing got fixed.
And we talked to everyone we knew to talk to, to pray for us, counsel us, everything like that.
Yeah. And the thing that got to me the most is the pain never went away.
So because the pain never went away, I was like, I eventually realized that
maybe I actually, the pain got, here's what actually happened. The pain got so intense,
and I got so desperate that I finally asked a question that I'd never thought to ask after
all this time, which was, you know, am I contributing to the chaos in our marriage in
some way? And it just never crossed my mind. I was so convinced that Alana was the issue,
that I'd never really genuinely asked, like, what am I doing to create chaos in our marriage?
And once I asked that question, my eyes opened and I realized I had been creating chaos everywhere
in our marriage. And then when I took ownership for my bad attitudes, when I took ownership for
my sulking, when I took ownership for punishing Alana for not giving me sex, when I took ownership
for all of my junk, all of a sudden, our marriage started just changing rapidly,
and Alana basically didn't have to change anything.
But what happened when I changed all my unsafe atmospheres and attitudes and all of those things
and started taking care of Alana, what then started happening is that it became,
our marriage started becoming safe, and then the sex started taking care of itself.
And actually, you know, that was the key really to changing the whole thing,
was me just taking extreme ownership for my mess. So that's number three on the list of
reasons why people have low sex drive. Number four is stress. I think you can kind of guess
that self-explanatory emotional connection. Babe, I know that when we are emotionally connected,
you're much more interested in sex. Anything to say on that one?
Not really, other than previously that sort of manipulation and control
made emotional connection impossible because I wasn't safe.
Yeah, sweet. Okay, guys, thoughts on that? Like feedback?
to say. Happy time, a big thumbs up. Any questions, feedback, thoughts on that?
Stories, testimonies? Anyone here been 30 years without sex in their marriage?
Owen, that was Owen responding. Yep, it's been 30 years. Or is he going to leave?
Can I talk about the narcissism thing?
Yeah, yeah, do it.
Yeah, I would say that it's a disorder. It's a disordered mind that tries to fix itself.
It's a spiritual disorder too, it has to be because of the way we're made.
Well, I don't know that we need to use the word disorder, but I would say it's dysfunction.
It's dysfunction? I agree with you.
Yeah, dysfunction as opposed, it's not something that needs to be clinically diagnosed as though
it's a biological condition.
No, it's not really. No, it's a chosen thing. It's what we choose.
Well, it is something that if you make a little decision one day to be selfish,
the next day it's easier.
That's right, true.
And then if you keep choosing that, it keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
It's a bit like addictive behavior. And related to pornography,
like narcissism and pornography can go together sometimes.
Yeah. What would I say about it?
Don't have to say it just now.
Yeah, I'm with you, but narcissism just becomes your whole mindset,
your whole outlook, your whole worldview.
Yeah, it's habitual.
You see, and it gives you the ability to see all the problems,
even if you're causing them all, but still blame everyone else.
It's what Jesus was saying when Jesus said,
if the light within you is darkness, then how great is that darkness?
Right.
So if the light within you, right, if what you believe to be true is actually a lie,
then how great is that darkness?
That's like a narcissistic mindset.
The truth that you believe is actually a lie, but you believe it's the truth.
So you hold on to it real strong, and it causes massive cycles of chaos.
And you see it play out in relationships over and over,
and people just creating all this chaos and never taking any ownership for their mess.
Okay. So instead of facing up to it and talking to someone and saying,
I'm angry about something specific in this particular way,
the context of my life becomes hidden?
Well, I think that part of the thing for me with this journey was,
I couldn't even tell I had a problem.
Right.
You know, so I couldn't see that I was the one with the problem.
But there was obviously a problem, right?
We had the evidence that there was a problem.
And in some ways, I was taking ownership for where I knew that I had problems.
And so it was easy for Benji to be like, well, you've got a problem.
You're admitting you've got a problem.
So obviously, the problem is you, rather than him being like,
well, maybe I'm actually contributing to this as well.
And it took a lot of pain for him to realize that maybe he was contributing to
which that blindness on his part is narcissistic.
Right.
So the narcissistic process has to involve another person or persons.
No, I mean, you can be blind on your own,
but it's when it really starts showing up, though, right?
Yeah, it usually expresses itself relationally.
Because it usually expresses itself relationally.
Usually, yeah.
So.
Owie, what were you going to say?
Jump in there, bud.
Yeah, there's now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.
Sorry, I'm the wrong person.
Oh, no, you're right.
You're right.
Yeah, so I was just thinking it's more of like a lens.
Like, and I think the real problem with it is it leads to a lot of resentment
and bitterness and like unforgiveness.
i think i definitely know that's where um things start to break down relationally
because you pull your curtain mate it's like your eyes gonna burn up
um yeah that's what i was thinking about it too because it's just that um
it's just the unforgiveness and bitterness so they just eat they're just poison and then um
there's resentment in your life then you begin to be deceived about your other person you
actually begin to see um your spouse in a different you actually you project that onto
them even um you actually start to see them that way and you just basically the bible says you've
been deceived you know um as far as going to sleep um with anger says that you'll wake up
deceived um that scripture so yeah that's what i think about it yeah and no amount of
good communication or um sort of like good sense or anything like that you know on my part
could convince him that he had anything wrong or that he might have something to contribute
and so i mean i was saying the same things to him over and over and over and over but it never
clipped so years for years that it never actually clicked to him or hang on i might have an issue
it's like well i've got an issue you've got an issue to me and so because you've got that issue
you're viewing me in that way and so when he finally realized he might have a problem
all of a sudden all the things i'm saying nothing changed but it was like oh actually
you're right in a way like what you're saying was true and so i was giving him good information the
whole time he just couldn't hear it yeah um but you're being on it and it being a lens right
because the moment that narcissistic lens comes off all of a sudden you can see it's like oh sweet
i can see oh wow and and i think that's one of the big indicators that you'll be able to tell is
your level of ownership like how much ownership do you take for your behavior
that is a big tell like if you can take extreme ownership then you've really broken
that narcissistic mindset but if you can't take ownership for your behavior that is evidence of
a blind spot that you just can't see the damage that you're doing
yeah all right what's next on the list next on the list we had stress we had emotional connection
or parenting pressure that was definitely a big one for me parenting pressure we had three little
kids um lana's breastfeeding day and night and um a lot of times like just don't touch me yeah
totally touched out um which did nothing uh did nothing for our sex life for quite a long time
and you're tired and yeah all my resources were used up there's none left for you yeah and that
flows as well into hormones because um like that's the next one on the list is hormones so
you can kind of get um yeah all over the place so there's so
uh parenting pressure the answer for parenting pressure is don't have babies
but if you've had babies then it's hard to um it's it's hard to turn back um turn back the clock so
if you've had babies oh here we go we've got a few people um i hate it since almost the whole
while i was married yeah yeah i hated it too for a long time did everything i could to avoid it um
oh i just some of the excuses were so funny but i just want to go to bed for hours i know
and i knew he was up there waiting for me i was exhausted and i was exhausted i just didn't want
to go to bed because i knew we'd have that conversation now for you beautiful people
um watching on facebook why don't you jump into um the zoom room and join us in here in the zoom
room as well come and come and join the party in here so um parenting pressure is a big one
i think sometimes that's something you just kind of had to write out you know yeah some of it was
writing it out but i think also some of it was um actually understanding that i needed space
and how and actually been able to create that space and making that a priority and we did go
through times where i would get that space but it was always the first thing to disappear as soon as
there was any other extra pressure like you teaching or or those types of things my space
was always the first to disappear um so i mean we we tried we just didn't we just couldn't keep it
up yes this isn't me
yeah there was a lot of there was a lot of pressure on there and i dropped the ball on that
one quite a bit it's also you know like just in that time when we had little kids um we had so
much going on there was just so much busyness and intensity on all fronts and finances were a big
thing as well and all contributed in here just to create a huge amount of pressure depression and
yeah so that was a big thing for us as well like with the parenting pressure
that you know atlanta did actually get we wouldn't we didn't realize it at the time but in hindsight
you can say oh look there's all the symptoms right there of post-natal depression so we didn't
realize that's even we were even dealing with it um but that's what we're going through so the
parenting pressure was a big one then hormones um low testosterone in men and hormone imbalances
in women can cause a low sex drive um but i think that um a lot of doctors say that the main reason
main fix for this is just go and eat a pie oh no it's not a good pie no it's not it's not a pie
um but a balanced diet you know exercise good sleep reduce sugar avoiding you know inflammatory
foods that you know can mess with hormone production um can all help um but it would be
good sometimes it'd be good if the answer was just to go and eat a pie but um that's not usually what
yeah um and then but if so that's for ladies you know like ladies can work on that hormone balance
often through diet and exercise and sleep uh but for a man it's really hard to deal with low
testosterone so if a dude has a low sex drive and it's based on hormone then uh dude really
usually needs to go and see a doctor and see what they can do with that so next up here's a question
for anthony oh you're on the spot anthony oh this one um is uh the next one on the list for
sex issues and marriages bored with your sex life
um is that yeah well you know you or not yeah i've got a yeah you don't overcome that by
introducing all kinds of uh fruity stuff and um you know yeah it's about the emotional connection
basically if you haven't got the good emotional connection then nothing will make up for
uh the loss yeah of a good sex life yeah yeah so it's not about it's not about having all the moves
and you know gymnastics and all that sort of thing and it's not and that creates an expectation and a
performance anxiety the real thing is in our heart it's our heart connection with our partner
yeah very cool very cool so bored with your sex life that's the next one um
what was that
so i'm gonna go through the book i'm going for a walk are you going for a walk now yeah i'm getting
a bit bored i'm getting bored talking about sex i want to do it
okay the camera switches off for a little bit switch me off quick
welcome um so uh here's so just this is like um from sex therapists and things like that this is
all in the book but um here's a few tips from sex therapists if you were um bored of your sex life
one is make a weekly sex date so spontaneous sex doesn't always happen so schedule some
um when we got advised by counsellors to start scheduling sex because when we talked to a
counsellor and he's like right a big part of the problem here for you guys is you're not having sex
um so he said you should schedule sex and that's um like scheduled sex for us
i was like that does not work scheduled sex for us was so bad oh um well any sex for me is good but
what we did is initially like we sat down with david out and he's like right here's your problems
you guys have got problems alana's not getting sensual touch you're not getting sexual touch
so sort yourselves out and you two should be having sex and you should be giving your messages and
non-sexual touch as well at least once or twice a week yeah so we um we came up with a schedule
which was two sex nights a week and alana was happy with one massage a week so you've got
you've got to negotiate it like what is it what does work what works for you so we for us it was
like twice a week and um and once a week for a message was what alana was happy with and that's
why i negotiated and um
then it just went real bad because it was a title fake agreement because when we were
with the council we were like yeah we will do that and then Alana would not put it out
and so we both just we weren't feeling connected i was feeling super like even more obligated
to do it and like as soon as someone's like you have to do this i'm like no
and then he was like well you agreed to this so therefore you have to
and like it just made everything worse to be honest yes it made everything worse and not
for like a little bit it was like nearly a year so we had one meet one session with dave riddell
and we set these agreements in place and then we basically spent the next year lying to each
other with fake agreements and arguing and i'd be like yeah it's a sex night so i'd be waiting in
bed and alana would and i'd have to get up early in the morning so i'm kind of like oh man she's
mucking around taking her a long time to get to bed and then she'd eventually come to bed and
it was way too late already and then all we'd get was an argument that same conversation same
conversation which we had thousands of times and that would just like ah it was way too late we're
both exhausted and i'm punishing her and when i'm desperate and i'm getting nothing and i'm like i
can't believe it it's sex night and all you're giving me is attitude it was like oh no that's
all i was getting and then he would give me a massage and be like i've given you a massage now
we can have sex um but the massage nights i wasn't supposed to so sometimes i'd try my moves
when i wasn't supposed to so that was a fail um but then it was like it was after a year of that
basically sucking that i also started was towards the end of that year that i started figuring out
that i had my problem uh figured out that i was the problem that i had a problem basically that
i was the problem in our marriage and so then i actually we kind of had another
we had another meeting with david and we kind of recalibrated with the sex nights and i was
actually i said to like so we had to renegotiate and i was actually like two nights a week actually
sucks for me i was like i can we do three nights a week and we actually so by the time we got to
this renegotiation point towards the end of that year of failing i'd started taking ownership for
stuff for myself and we were making some big changes but we still needed to have another session
with the counsellor so we had another session with david and that was actually
really good we started i remember that session i just remember the first one i hated it the whole
way the first one i think was your birthday and you cried for about two hours
um but so the second one by that time we actually made a lot of progress and i was starting to take
real ownership of my stuff and i was having more emotional connection which is what we didn't have
before we just had obligation and manipulation which is great full suit yeah so we so we had
built some more trust so we renegotiated and actually and i was actually like two nights a
week sucks for me can we do three nights a week and it wasn't um it didn't necessarily mean that
we're actually getting sex uh so he was like you can negotiate whether it's intercourse or whether
it's something else so hand jobs kind of like came in to save the day that was a big deal that helped
a lot um kids are like hey mum what's that
oh this is bobbitt um put that knife away put that knife away please i can't hear what you
guys are saying but just put the knife away um so we would renegotiate and lana was like yes
and we started being way more consistent actually keeping our promises to each other
and so when we kept those promises actually started building trust and and that meant that
actually building that trust meant that things became organic and it didn't matter whether
something happened or not because there wasn't that pressure and there wasn't that pressure on
me there wasn't that pressure on benji and so it kind of grew to take on a life of its own if that
makes sense and yeah so we renegotiated the the three nights a week but what was a big thing that
had changed with me is that there was no more punishment so if it wasn't going to work out that
night there was no punishment we're just like no worries hey babe that's all good don't worry about
it he wasn't lying on his side of the bed huffing and sighing and like sending vibes yeah so because
of that it just completely chilled out the whole thing so janice
noticed some of your comments before in the Facebook. So why
did you hate sex so much in your marriage?
There we go. Um, well, because basically, it was just all the
same types of things. We had no real relationship. It was just
all pressure on me and guilt, because he would say, if you
don't have sex with me, then you're causing me to sin.
Because he had the porn problem, and he had the lust problem of
looking at other women. And there was all kinds of abuse in
the marriage, you know, like, I had to, I had to put out even if
I was pregnant and had yeast infections and was in pain or
morning sickness or anything. And in the first year of our
marriage, and our marriage is basically like we were only 17
and 18 when we got married. And his parents basically knew he
had a problem. And they thought, well, if he gets married, they
didn't say anything. If he gets married, he just won't have a
problem anymore. But he obviously did. And, and I was
just so emotionally disconnected. I didn't even know
myself. Or, you know, how to express myself. I was I was like
Alana, as far as what's wrong. I don't know. I don't know. You
know, that kind of stuff. I didn't know how to communicate.
I was so insecure. I had been raised abusively. So, you know,
I was just a total mess. Yeah. And it was all the guilt on me
that I'm such a mess.
Yeah. So how often, if you're happy, how often would you guys
have sex? What was the normal kind of?
Oh, he wanted it every day or twice a day.
Yeah. And so it was every day or twice a day.
And then I was pregnant for four, four years out of five
years of marriage. And I was pregnant four times in that
time. Yeah. So it was just, you know, talk about hormones and
depression. And I didn't even get over one postpartum and I
was pregnant again with the next one.
Yeah, totally. Yeah. And how long after you had a baby? Was
he happy to wait?
Oh, I think about three or four weeks. That's it. Not even
first one. It was only like a week and a half.
Yeah.
Yeah. And I had, I almost died when I had my first baby. Because
I started emerging. And they said, don't get pregnant again
for at least two years. And I was pregnant again within three
months. Less than three months.
So really no consideration for you at all in that equation.
Yeah, nothing whatsoever.
So he thought he got a sex slave for a wife. If that's what his
definition of a wife was.
Yeah, yeah. He basically wanted me to be like a Stepford wife.
If you ever if you saw that movie,
A what wife?
Stepford. There was a movie back in the 70s called the Stepford
wives. And basically, they they would like, put like, electrodes
and things. It was like a science fiction. They would put
things in their wives brains. So their wives would just say, yes,
dear, whatever you want, anything for you, you know. And
so the women were just like, I'm baking a bunch cake today for my
husband. And those just kind of stuff.
They basically had no brain whatsoever. Yeah, I couldn't
even eat. I liked my hamburgers rare. And he felt that was
disgusting. So I wasn't allowed to eat a hamburger rare. Well, I
had to have it well done. He was very controlling. Yeah, that's a
big deal. Yeah, that's a big deal. So um, so our first thing
so we're under, we're just at the moment as we're going
through this, we're looking at bored with your sex life. So
here's the tips that we had. So the first one was make weight
make a weekly sex date for some people, some people that might
work. Well, actually, it didn't work the first time around. But
afterwards, it started to work. So the kind of the progression
for us was scheduled sex, that was a total fail for a lucky
year. And then after that, oh, and you got to jump in there,
buddy.
Did you say sex tape or sex date?
Make a sex tape.
sounds like sounds like um i said i said sex tape not sex date that's what i heard
sex date yeah yeah the sorry the counselor and the sex therapists usually do not recommend to
make a sex tape but maybe that's in the some of the advanced sessions no sex date so make a weekly
sex date not a weekly sex tape so yeah um yeah so make a weekly sex date so like i'm saying for us
for us the first time around scheduling that was a total fail and then the second time around we
negotiated better we're in a better place it worked great and then that carried on for a
while and then basically it kind of just then it was like training wheels in a sense for us it was
like training wheels that helped us get a cool rhythm happening in our in our world and we were
able to basically take the training wheels off after a while we didn't need that and it just
happened more organically so i didn't need to be told hey you need to have an agreement to give
alana massage and sensual touch it just became part of the rhythm and she didn't need to be told
hey you need to jump that guy it became part of the rhythm which i liked yeah um
so uh number two number two on this list um if you're bored with your sex life is
stop having intercourse for a while and explore other ways of pleasuring each other sexually
i'll let you be creative with that one um number three give your spouse very good information
it doesn't matter if you've told them before talk to them about what about all the things
that turn you on sexually and get you boiling like a kettle and for owen that's just the fact
that ness exists see ness what you need to understand is that you you're there and you're a
woman and so the natural result of that is i'm boiling like a kettle all day long just like you
yeah finally ness understands whoa what are you doing sitting on the couch like that trying to
turn me on aren't you uh no i was folding the washing yes the washing yes we understand
um and number three oh sorry that was so number four is if you are the partner who
does less of the initiating owen's gonna love this if you were the partner who does
less of the initiating take the lead and initiate sex as soon as possible
and in the book i wrote i won't be offended if you stop reading for a while
um so number five on that is take a trip down memory lane and talk to them about all your
favorite sexual experiences with them with them yeah like really important although i didn't
specify that oh no i did number five yeah let me clarify that number five is take a trip down
memory lane and talk to them about all your favorite sexual experiences together um so alana
and i don't have any other sexual experiences um but for a lot of people they do uh so yeah
make sure it's the ones that you share together so any thoughts feedback on that guys
i found one time when um one time with us when we were struggling when we were struggling to um
relax with it is to pray and when we prayed it just relaxed and away we went just away we went
just like that that's the dynamic hey felt the shift in the atmosphere all of a sudden
yeah because he's in the center of our relationship why not give it to him
absolutely great call great call that's a good breakthrough people actually if you want a
traveling ministry just let people know that you've got this particular anointing
when you pray that um people will feel really really connected
yeah are we i definitely agree with um with all that the um the sex tape thing um
and just the the boredom thing like i definitely
uh just working through things like for me the worst part is what feels like charity sex
um it really hurts because when it's something so important to you
you and you get charity sex, it's almost like.
Oh, is that your perception of it or is it the reality?
Yeah, exactly. Often.
And that's where often you can
you can be deceived with bitterness and unforgiveness as well.
But yeah, that's all I want to say.
So I want to say it's all I had to say about that.
Thank you. Thanks for sharing.
I appreciate that.
That's a that's a big deal.
It's like people can be perceiving sex totally differently.
Any thoughts on that, babe?
No, but I mean, we had a similar dynamic that
he wanted it all the time and I didn't.
And so there often was that dynamic of if I give it to you,
will you shut up and stop asking?
All right. Well, maybe you'll leave me alone
for at least like a week if I'm lucky.
I think in two days.
But it's like, oh, we had sex.
I might get it tomorrow night.
Yeah. Sometimes I sometimes I totally I was like, oh, flip.
She's in the mood, you know, like that.
Try my luck.
You know, because with these hormones, everything's impossible to read.
So you're like, oh, she's like on heat.
You know, like it's a good going to be a good week.
But so and the funny thing is, sometimes it is like that
and sometimes it isn't right.
So you kind of like as a guy, you definitely get guessing
because sometimes it's like, oh, look, this is a really good week.
And so obviously, I'm going to try that next week.
And it's like not a good week.
So it's like, oh, so you kind of have to figure that out a little bit.
But I definitely I didn't label it as charity sex,
but we definitely had sex with it.
We didn't necessarily have the best attitudes at play.
Or I was crying and not so much crying.
It might have happened one time.
Oh, yeah. Other times I didn't see.
Yeah. But no, we definitely had some bad sex.
Really, really happy that the bad sex as well behind us.
But yeah.
We definitely had some bad sex, and we both actually talked
about the worst sex experience that we'd ever had.
And it was the same for both of us.
I definitely cried my way through that one.
Yeah, that was really, really lame.
It was really lame.
And we hadn't really talked about it much.
But when because actually, if you go through the workbook,
the couple's workbook is amazing.
It's got it's honestly we laugh our butts off when we're writing that.
So you can get that.
Like there's a download for that.
You can get the like it's already in the other seven sacred pathways thing.
I'll drop it into the seven sacred pathways
group into the guide as well.
So there will just be a post there.
We can get it and download the guide.
But one of the things that is in the guide was about talks about,
you know, what was your worst sex experience?
And we were talking about it.
I think when we were writing it, it was like, yeah, that was the one.
It was really bad.
It still feels dumb thinking about it.
But the only redeeming
side to that is that it's like so far behind us.
Like there's no way to redeem that moment, except to go, wow, we've come so far.
Like, oh, man, it's the only thing that makes it better is that
it's not where we're at right now.
But again, it's process and journey.
It took a long, long time to make that change.
But yeah, any where are we at this?
So that's the last that was the five tips on if you've got if you're bored
with the sex life, the date, which is not a tape.
Stop having sex for a little while and explore other ways
of pleasuring each other sexually.
Give good information.
What turns you on and gets you boiling like a kettle?
Number four is if you're not the one initiating,
then actually do some initiating.
And then number five, take a trip down memory lane,
but take a good, good trip, not a dumb one.
And so any other feedback on that, guys?
No. All right, sweet. Moving along.
So what we're like, the headings that we're under right now, remember, is
the biggest, the top ten sex issues in marriage.
So the first one was unsafe atmospheres and we had narcissism,
then stress, emotional connection,
parenting pressure, hormones, bored with your sex life.
And now we're at number eight, which is sex is evil.
So, yeah, a lot of people in church get told that sex is evil.
And this is actually one of the reasons, one of the biggest reasons why a lot of women
never actually have an orgasm in their life, right?
So even if they go, or they never orgasm unless they go through coaching and therapy, but
babe, sex is evil.
So for me, I grew up in a really conservative church and there was just this real sort of
taboo, sex is dirty, you shouldn't do it, avoid it at all costs.
One night in the book, I wrote one of my clearest memories around sex is dad saying at the dinner
table one night, if you come home pregnant, don't come home.
And so just this real sort of, and I've watched a couple of girls in the church get pregnant
and just like the shame that was heaped on them and kind of like you're dirty and I can't
associate with you now.
And so for me, that was my experience of sex growing up really, was that we didn't talk
about it or save it for marriage because of X, Y, Z, it was just don't do it basically
because it's a sin.
And so that sort of, that was all I ever heard really.
Yeah, deep in the subconscious.
Anyone have that same thing?
I bet Anthony thought, thinks sex is evil.
Yes.
Are we on?
Yeah.
Yes.
I did think that.
Well, I didn't think sex was evil.
I just knew it was normal, natural.
That when you're growing up and your hormones are kicking in, then you're going to actually
explore your sexuality.
And of course, I grew up in a Catholic church because I was always going to confession.
And you can, you can make the, you can make the conclusion on that one.
There we go.
We will.
Anyone else kind of go through that dynamic of, you know, just the perspective around
sex as if sex is evil?
Only the one that, the anal one, which is, I can't stand that, that totally was wrong
because it's, you know, one that's, that's abomination.
So it's just around all that sort of stuff.
Did you say abomination?
Yeah.
The anal one.
But yeah, that's, that's what I think, you know, it was taught that, yeah, that type
of stuff.
And yeah.
And, but no, I just, to me it's because I got caught up in a lot of Facebook stuff where
I talked on spiritual and a lot of stuff went on there and I got put off it because, and
that type of stuff, because the, you know, when I was in that space where I was shopping,
but it, but I was just appalled about the certain talk that comes on in a way that some
people have, it's just, especially when I caught, and I got caught into that pornography
and watching those.
Well, I'll be honest.
I'll go to those movies, those, and that kind of thinking that those are like that, but
there's a whole lot of, you know, that isn't like what it is in the blue movies or whatever
like that.
Cause I snuck and watched one when I was a kid because teenager, which was wrong.
But yeah, I realized that now it's, it's not like that.
It's wrong.
Not the, you know, not the, it's not exactly, it's not like that in real life, what they
put on my stuff that you sort of get the wrong impression.
Yeah.
I think historically too, for women, that sort of the whole idea around men can be promiscuous
and women can't.
And, you know, in some countries, if there's any sex outside the marriage, the woman is
killed.
And like, so there's culturally in lots of areas as well, that sort of pressure on women
around sex.
And so therefore sex isn't safe in any setting.
So, yeah, I was similar to Alana, quite conservative religious background.
We never talked about it.
And I think it's pretty dire straits really, like just because you ignore the elephant
in the room doesn't mean you're not going to get squashed.
And like that sort of approach is really stupid, especially in today's day and age.
And I'm not doing it with my kids.
I'm going to be very open and honest because would I fail to teach my kids the way I want
to teach them?
the world will teach them and that's not how I want them taught so and I think
what it also leads to is unrealistic expectations and I never have any
conversation with people saying like this is what it's actually like and being
a guy you just build it up even without the porn addiction or anything because I
didn't have that but I still built up this unrealistic expectation of what sex
is just because it was like save it for marriage save for marriage and then you
just it's just becomes this God almost and then and then you get terribly
terribly and then it's really and then you got to work through that so I think
if you could just be real with your kids and and tell them what it is and I think
it'll just be healthy too for so you don't think it is evil because that yeah
that's subconscious it just messes with you I like I mean I knew it never knew
it was wrong but I think it does play it does play on people's minds for sure
maybe more so woman than guys because we have that drive but yeah well yeah I
think you're right and just in terms of not talking about it because we're just
looking at the porn stats before when you've got 68% of church going men in
the States over 50% of pastors on porn 76% of young adults on porn and I can't
remember the stats of the ladies but you know like you were saying in terms of
just ignoring the elephant in the room it doesn't really work does it you know
just to just to ignore and pretend that's not an issue when 57% of churches
say that porn addiction is the single biggest issue the church faces that's
that's a big deal so yeah ignoring is not going to work there it is alright
hey so the next thing number nine on the top ten issues this is something that I
have not struggled with it's just that this one is I just don't enjoy sex so if
one spouse doesn't enjoy sex and the other spouse loves it then things can
reach a stalemate without generous negotiation so that was us for ages I
mean it's still probably like I mean I'm still like and take it or leave it I'd
rather leave it no I'll take it so but here's the thing is that generous
negotiation is the key and this is this is like so much of of all parts of
marriage just hinge on generous negotiation because if you if you
haven't got generous negotiation then you end up like if generous negotiation
means that I'm gonna work really hard to abundantly meet your needs and vice
versa but without generous negotiation then you know and being generous givers
then I have to start trying to meet my own needs somewhere so that's when you
read this book you'll find that so much of of the book and so much of the health
of marriage revolves around generous negotiation so how do you have you guys
felt like so Janice your marriage talk to us about generous negotiation and
your marriage I don't think there was any I mean I was the only one that was
being forced to be generous you know it was just all one-sided yeah so it wasn't
good and tight it wasn't there was no generosity it was just theft right it
was just oppression and just abuse yeah definitely we might have had a couple of
good times you know maybe when my hormones were really good or someone a
particular night but actually then we we were separated for a couple of years
before we actually divorced and then we I actually enjoyed sex a few times
because it was still legal because we weren't divorced yet and it was on my
terms and it was only like six months apart so it wasn't like you know I was
really wanting something by then so long so you just went and jumped them
well you're supposed to be visiting the children but you know never mind the
children let's go out back yeah right you guys want to watch some TV
so with that someone not knowing if they want it have you guys had problems like
with asking someone not knowing what they want like you know as far as like
specifics maybe like I just don't know what I want or and you just you know in
six or in general and six and I mean like and so therefore you're like you
want to generously give that person what they want and you have no problem with
that but it's like there's a breakdown in the communication of what do you want
we've had like a classic thing for us with that I would ask Alana all the time
is what do you want what do you need in your response was the most frustrating
response in the world hang on I didn't get that what did you want I don't know
wait let me ask you 2,000 more times what do you want I don't know so but we
only just figured this out of why she never knew it's not like a lot of stupid
she's not a stupid person and she can actually figure things out but it was
usually the context of win right so if you go if you rewind in the in the chat
and training of what we've talked about we we talked about the whole emotional
pathway and we talked about safe atmospheres right because we talked
about amygdala hijack and we talked about the brain okay so the moment you
start feeling unsafe in the conversation or anything what happens is you trigger
the amygdala oh yeah just checking you good stuff Alana's just checking it in
on Facebook for the Facebook world peace but when stuff when things start getting
unsafe you can trigger the amygdala right have an amygdala hijack so what an
amygdala hijack is is you've got two tiny little parts of your brain about
the size of a pea or a fingernail you're both actually directly behind the eyes
because the amygdala is like it's your security system it's what scanning all
the information and the moment things get unsafe it's going to go fight-or-flight
so your amygdala is a really really fast acting part of your brain but it's not a
very smart part of your brain okay so your frontal cortex is what does all the
thinking or the logical stuff or the rational stuff all the clever stuff
whenever you're doing something smart or clever or you know you want to do
something you know very nice you're acting out of the frontal cortex that's
where the smart clever part of your brain is problem-solving all those good
things the amygdala it when you have a reaction might be going to fight or
fright you say you get scared or anything like that you trigger in some
way you you then start operating out of your amygdala and what your amygdala does
is your amygdala shuts down access to your frontal cortex so when you start
feeling unsafe you'd be really careful because when you start feeling unsafe
you can be starting to have a mini amygdala hijack and your brain triggers
your amygdala and it shuts down access to your frontal cortex which is why I
can ask a really an intelligent person here hey what do you want and I get this
response because she's triggering and when she's triggering she doesn't have
access to the intelligent rational clever part of her brain and so when did
I ask her what she wants during an argument and I'm trying to like high
stress situations where I'm trying to go okay well how can we resolve this what
do you want and then I'd get angry punish her a little bit more and then I
be like so what do you want it was just this never-ending cycle for years and
years but it was only just recently that we actually realized oh look that's what
that was what was happening that's why she couldn't answer and couldn't give
good information so it's just incomplete overload yeah so so if you're asking
things and that's a problem as well if a conversation is scary I'm not saying
this is where you're at but this is where we were at but if a conversation
is scary then the then the conversation itself can actually like start triggering
amygdala like a mini
amygdala hijack where the conversation gets scary you're in fight or flight and so you actually
don't have full access to that so i mean sexually it could also be that you just don't know because
you don't know what the possibilities are and you need to do some exploring and some playing and
that kind of thing like that can be another dynamic of it as well sexually um and i feel
like i often don't know exactly what i want or whatever and some of it is just it's not
the brain overload it's just i don't know um and so in in some way it just takes time to figure
that stuff out um yeah yeah and this is what um one of the things we talked about last week as
well as two of the real keys to mastering the intellectual pathway is curiosity and vulnerability
so those are two of the most important aspects to any marriage right if you is
to be in order to be able to give your spouse what they want when they want it and how they like it
you have to know what they want when they want it and how they like it so who would like a marriage
where they get exactly what they want when they want it how they like it without manipulation or
control but without without manipulation or control you know yes yes let's stop to fill
this for a second because owen's done lots of talking um can you take the unmuting off so that
we don't have to do sign language yeah this is like no way jose yes okay so um
deep honest moment here would you like a marriage where you get what you want when you want it and
how you like it of course not of course not yeah um can you like what would be a couple of the for
you and in your marriage what would be a couple of core values of things that you just want just
in general in marriage like here's the things that are like high priorities for me um a husband who
uses his eyes i understand that to do 500 things yeah that's probably a high one yeah yeah any
anything else on the on the list there like we can tell from all owen's conversation that he's
brought up today even if i didn't know him or really well like i do so if you guys don't know
i've known owen since he was like actually actually the first time i met owen he was a baby
and his mom was carrying him around because his family used to live next door to my primary school
they were the weird dutch family that kept on having babies and owen was like the last one i
was like are you serious more babies what what is going on with this family so that's when i went
on was when he was like a newborn but i didn't know that in the future that this weird dutch
family would actually become really good friends um so obviously we know some of the things that
owen wants but for you niece what else would be on like high priority for you in terms of core values
for what what you want in marriage i don't know that's a good question like for sure not having to
you know because you say oh what about the dishes but you asked me to do the dishes
well you can see the dishes so that's a big one for like the support in general yeah
yeah more quality time more emotional connection yeah yeah i know that for alana when we started
having kids her love languages kind of started changing a little bit which it started going
more and more towards acts of service because things were so crazy and she was just like i've
got no time and so many things to do like how and there's things i want to do so if you do
something i have to do then i can do what i want to do
yep good stuff all right well done being put on the spot you pass 10 out of 10
um sweet okay hey we're gonna we'll um we're getting to the the last two thing uh
i think this is number 10 on our top 10 reasons why top 10
and sex issues in marriage.
Here's number 10 is, I need some adventure.
And here's what we've written under here.
It says, I'm sure you didn't forget, right?
So when I started this before,
I talked to you about the fact that I bought a book.
Can anyone remember the name of that book
that I brought up before?
What was the name of the book, anyone?
Turn your wife into a nymphomaniac.
Yeah, How to Turn Your Wife Into a Nymphomaniac
by Carl Zorro.
Don't go anywhere near the book,
How to Turn Your Wife Into a Raving Nymphomaniac
by the other guy.
So you can remember I bought that book.
It's like an engaging title,
but it's actually really, really good advice.
It's actually really good Christian teaching
on relationships.
And here's the hottest tip I got from that book, actually.
So this is the number one hottest tip
that I got from that book, which is exhilaration.
So ensure to create regular events in your wife's life
that leave her feeling absolutely exhilarated.
Regardless of whether your partner has a low sex drive,
it's just great for them to be getting
that dynamic of exhilaration.
So for Alana, I tried to do it every now and then.
It's actually real difficult as well
when you don't have much money.
You're like, oh, flip, what am I gonna do?
You'd like to try and do something exciting, exhilarating.
But one of the things that I would try and do
is if a fishing adventure came up,
I knew she loved fishing
and knew she loved being on the water.
So I'd always try and say, yep, you go fishing.
I'll take the clips.
It's my once half a year.
Well, we didn't go out all that often.
But maybe once a year or once every second year,
that was my day off.
Well, not like that.
But exhilaration was a thing
that we tried to start building in.
Like I knew, oh, flip, let's try and create space
for Alana to have an adventure.
Maybe that was gonna be like,
go and have a day with your sister
or go and do this adventure or whatever.
That was something that was really key
for just enjoying quality of life.
Or taking me somewhere at night or whatever.
Although surprise adventures, I learnt,
I learnt slowly that taking Alana for surprise adventures
wasn't always the best way to do things for Alana.
So I had this,
a couple of times I took Alana away
on these fun, romantic surprise trips
where I had kids looked after, babysitters,
all sorted, really nice accommodation booked and got away.
But I kind of like would tell Alana at the last moment,
as in like while we're driving,
I'd come like, yeah, I've packed you some clothes.
So one day, right, Ezra's still breastfed at night.
So I must've been like 10 months, nine, 10 months old.
And I'm having a nap, which was amazing.
Like a good quality nap.
And Benji comes and wakes me up from this deep sleep
and said, babe, Owen and John have sunk the boat
in the lake, we need to go and help them now.
So I like, they had sunk the boat.
I got up frantically.
And-
Was it Mark and John?
Okay.
So anyway, he wakes me up telling me
that our friend's boat is sinking
and we need to go and help them now.
So I get up frantically and get in the car
and he starts driving in the opposite direction.
I'm like, where are you going?
Like, our friends need our help.
And he's like, babe, we're not going to help them.
And then he tells me that he's taking me away overnight.
And I'm like, well, what about Ezra?
He's still breastfed.
And what do you mean?
Like, no one's told, like, I haven't prepped him
that we're going away.
Who's got him?
And like, what's the process?
And have you packed him the right stuff?
And like, I just cried and cried and cried.
And we were going for a two-hour drive
to get to Invercargill and halfway, he's like,
babe, should we turn around and go home?
And I think I was kind of like, well, we're here now.
You've already screwed it up.
Going home's not going to fix it.
This is Ezra.
He survived.
I had him with some really, really good friends.
The wipers.
So he was being looked after by the best.
Like, he'd never been away from me before.
I like to be able to give the time, you know,
the kids some time to be like,
mommy's going away and daddy's going away
and you're going to be, you know,
like to prep them emotionally and mentally.
Ez and I had that covered.
And just like the fact that he'd woke me up with this.
disaster which actually did happen yeah just he learned very quickly not to do
stuff like that to me and that I need time to prep of like we're going away
but I tell you what I did I did two things I bought her an ice cream and I
bought her a ring and she got over it and we had awesome sex that night so buy
her an ice cream and buy her a ring but actually the place that we went was
really amazing and that's kind of sometimes can change the attitude a
little bit because we like the place we went and stayed was actually really nice
kind of five-star vibes it was like oh yeah yeah so that helped change your
attitude. He didn't surprise me he would always give me some warning after that
except what it was which is fine but yeah although I did do the same thing
again a little what like a couple of years later I had all the kids look
after I had you know like I had that covered and then we were in a place
called Mossburn and Alana's like getting ready to get into our car and I was like
oh yeah we're not going in our car and we put the car seats I think we had the
kids with us some of this and then I think we took John's truck and we went
to Queenstown and had the night in Queenstown which was really bad at the
start because I started packing the car and I was like surprise we're going to
Queenstown I've booked us a hotel and then yeah again she just started crying
sweet date fail otherwise we're gonna wrap it up for today a for effort Benji
also a for anti-climax yeah who's got a funny story for us and then we'll wrap
it up I've got a question yeah so out of these ten things what are the things
that you guys struggle with in your marriage the most you Benji and you
Alana and are they different good question for me definitely would be like
the parental pressure and having kids and just being totally touched out and
it used to be unsafe atmospheres for sure and it used to be a narcissistic
husband yeah that wasn't my issue though and stress I mean I feel like the stress
ties in with all the other ones I didn't have any emotional connection we had no
money I didn't have family and friend support around your hormones were
probably all out of whack through pregnancy and breastfeeding there was no
way she was she didn't have it enough to get bored and keep scrolling sex is evil
I reckon that it's definitely for me like a subconscious thing I didn't enjoy
sex whenever he took me on adventures I just cried so she was kind of like nine
out of ten it was like really really of these things probably nine out of ten of
them she was really like struggling with and that's the end and now probably a
store would definitely be hormones for me my hormones about really out of whack
since having Alia so I know that's something that I need to work on and
then I'm stress you know just like kids and being tired and preoccupied with
that I don't feel like the other things are an issue anymore we sort of unsafe
atmospheres are sort of the narcissistic husband stress is minimized emotional
connection is way better but the kids are not really it's not chaos you know
they're just kids as opposed to all young and our sex is less boring it's
actually a little bit more exciting now than it has ever been yeah and then so
she's probably enjoying six more not necessarily like your favorite thing in
the world but still probably enjoying it more than I did more than you did so so
we are making like
of progress in those all those areas. So for me, what's the
biggest challenge? I actually feel like our sex life is in a
real good rhythm at the moment. Like I wouldn't, I wouldn't
complain if we had more sex and probably like for us might be
like once a week and then a handjob or something and and
like massages. She gets a massage and she'll get head
rubs and things like that. So it changes. That's the thing,
right? Because sometimes, sometimes Alana is having an
excitable week, and I will roll with it. He's like, here's what
I do. I kiss her goodnight. And I always just like linger for a
moment. But and she's like, what are you doing? Yeah. So
sometimes she says, What are you doing? And then other times she
just jams her tongue in my mouth. And I'm like, I know
exactly what I'm doing. But I never know, right? I never know
what is going to happen. You know, it could be actually I
mean, sometimes it's real blatant that she's just not in
the mood. But this being sometimes Yeah, basically, I
never know. She controls the tempo of it. And sometimes
she's just like, not okay. Yeah. And there's no punishment
either way. So this, there's no pressure on it. So if, if we're
not having sex, then she's usually like, it'd be a
minimum, I can usually say, Hey, can we have a handjob? And she
might say, Yeah, right. Or sometimes I'm just like, Hey,
babe, just like go to sleep. But here's the thing, right? Um,
usually, if I go to sleep, and we just leave it, it's like,
works out good for me later. You know, so it's just like, so
whereas in the past, if I been keen for some action every
night, and then not got anything, I would have just
punished her. So the whole rhythm, like, that's the thing
is that the whole rhythm of our sex life is different. And
there's more generosity from both of us. I'm way more
generous in the sense that if she's not up for anything, then
I'm like, sweet, all right. And I might laugh about it, and just
tease her a little bit. But then go to sleep, no, no issues. And
so there's no pressure on it. And that, and that has made the
biggest difference to everything is having no pressure and
actually having no pressure. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. But that that's just lead to this more generosity
from both of us. So yeah, does that help? Got a response to
that? Any, any thoughts?
Do you have? Have you got rid of all expectations been you just
run with it? This is your test at night.
Um, so I, um, yeah, I mean, obviously, I'll pretty much
always give that. I mean, she always gets a kiss goodbye.
And occasionally, I know I've got a big day the next day, and
I need to get up early or whatever. And it will just be a
kiss goodnight, and I won't necessarily linger. But most of
the time, I'll just linger there for an extra split second. And
and then she'll just be like, what are you doing? I'm like,
just kissing you good. I'm just kissing you. Nothing going on
here. Nothing going on here.
Yeah.
So have I mean, I, here's the other thing, right? Here's the
other thing is that I just I just tell her as well. Like, Oh,
babe. Because Alana is not good with knowing how long it's been
since we've had sex, because it always feels like it was last
night. Yeah, she's always feels like we just had sex. I'm like,
Oh, so babe, you know, I'm just kissing you. And then she's like,
Oh, babe, I'm just kissing you. And then she's like, Oh, babe,
I'm just kissing you. And then she's like, Oh, babe, I'm just
I'm like, Oh, so babe, you know, it actually has been two weeks
since we had sex and four hours and 36 minutes and eight
seconds. That's obviously counting. You know, it's getting
longer right now. So for Alana and I, I feel like because we
have a natural rhythm going now, that his expectations have
changed in that it's not as rigid of like, oh, it's Thursday
night, it's Saturday night, it's Monday night or whatever. And so
he's not
going to bed on a Monday and a Thursday and a Saturday or whatever and expecting to get something
um because we've it's become organic so that's definitely changed but he knows he'll get
something in a week um and he just tells me if he needs something and I respond accordingly. Go to sleep
and that's okay
okay yeah so yeah I feel like um in the past his expectation actually put pressure on me
to put out and that was negative um whereas now there's not that expectation it just
happens naturally and it's positive so yeah so that's been I think that was a really big deal
that the organic things kind of having a bit more of an organic rhythm and it's probably not as
regular as when we schedule stuff I would say but it's better it's better quality yeah I think we've
got I think we've got quality and then you know so sometimes it's more and sometimes it's less
you know like with rather than having the scheduled side of things which we had so our like
our sex went like this honeymoon woohoo five times in one day best day of my life
come back from honeymoon
you know like months at a time with no sex Alana being really depressed and coming up
with the dumbest reasons ever why tonight wasn't a good night it was just it was never a good night
um it would be like too windy for sex I don't we lived in a house how can it be too windy for sex
you know like there's a sound outside it was like babe I think it's the wind knocking the branch
against the house like oh yeah no not tomorrow um sorry you know so that's how she managed to
make things stretch for months you know like seven months or so um uh so we had that that kind of
the kind of drought season and then we had the obligation year where we were trying to do
scheduled sex and that was just terrible uh and then we had things starting to come back into a
rhythm and because we were dealing with the root yeah but then we renegotiated set dealt with root
causes created a better sex expectations negotiated generosity on both sides kind of set that and that
was like our training wheels to kind of get things back in place for us and then after that we could
take the training reels off and just kind of cruise and in a sense oh and like you said did
I drop my expectations yeah in a sense like I just chilled it out you know like I was just like all
right I don't have this major expectation of what it's going to look like I'm going to chill that
out um if she's not really in the mood I'm going to totally ask for a handjob if you know like
if um you know but he'll stop asking at a point where he used to keep asking and asking and asking
and asking and asking and asking and I would say no 10 times and he would still ask how about now
yeah exactly and so then you just give in and it was terrible
and actually in our sex life most of the power is in my hands all the power is in almost all
the power yeah and right now that's working for us I think it's always been in her hands
yeah because I'm not a rapist yeah but but you've taken the pressure off and you've actually given
me the power rather than trying to wrestle it off me all the time yeah I don't try and yeah I'm not
trying to manipulate it out of you out of your hands yeah there's not a power struggle there
yeah so yes in a sense oh and I have just dropped the expectations a bunch I still like am I still
in my head I'm still like yeah I want to have sex at least once a week and probably a handjob
or something as well if we're not having sex more than once like I'm kind of like I want a couple of
two or three times a week for something would be ideal for me um but I'm just going to be a little
bit relaxed about it and sort myself out and if I need to I'll just go and pray like if I need to
sort myself out it's actually not that difficult to go sweet I'll just put my attention on the
presence and I'll actually just calm myself down and I'll just get in the glory for a bit you know
but you also communicate yeah and yeah totally yeah and she's and that's where the generosity
has become it's become more generous on both sides so she'll look after me um and
it's better than at 17
yeah it's definitely it's definitely the best now like this season is definitely the best the
organic season for us is definitely the best and then every now and then i have the have a few weeks
you have a week where it's like the jackpot week i'm like i did nothing different it's just alana's
on heat and i'm like i'll cash in yeah a little bit like janice after she's been six months without
seeing old mate sleep fan hey well let's um unless anyone wanted to chuck anything else in there
we will bring it in for a landing and wrap it up um let's check if our facebook friends are
saying anything you're watching the live um but if you guys had any like parting comments this
is your moment yeah dorothy says i've found that taking regular time to reflect and empathize with
one another's viewpoint is so helpful and getting on the same page to be negotiated a marriage um
hey alicia sweet all right cool um well janice why don't we get you to pray for us and we'll
wrap it up there thank you jesus thank you too benji
welcome father we just want to thank you right now for this session and how we are all growing
from glory to glory even in the area of our sexual lives lord and how it's such a beautiful gift that
you gave us you created it when you created man male and female but we just thank you for it lord
i pray a blessing on all of these marriages everyone represented here right now and in our
in the group and others that we know lord father that you would bless them and that you would help
each and every marriage to come to this beautiful place because you said lord in ephesians 5 that
the marriage is such a beautiful example of the bride of christ and christ and how much
you love us and i just pray for that love to just overflow into every marriage lord
and that every marriage would really begin to flourish and be just that beautiful oasis that
you want it to be lord and such a beautiful example to those around the people will really
start saying hey why is your marriage so different what do you guys have that we don't have and it
will be a tool to bring many many many people to christ and to identity in you oh god in jesus name
we thank you lord amen amen good stuff and hey we'll bless you um lots of uh lots of love to
everyone and being cool hanging out so i'll do part three next week yeah cool cool well we'll
catch you later new zealand will probably be who knows it's uh we won't talk about
lockdowns right now but see you later everyone bye-bye getcha