WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:11.680 yo yo yo family it is it is on tada so maybe a couple of little adjustments as 2 00:00:11.680 --> 00:00:23.880 we go this tripod happening at the moment I think I am there we go 3 00:00:23.880 --> 00:00:31.600 boom that should be good for you guys to see now as I need to because I've got 4 00:00:31.600 --> 00:00:40.760 hey Lorraine hey John hey guys I've got a bit of whiteboard action today look at 5 00:00:40.760 --> 00:00:45.080 that good bit of whiteboard action going on today and I haven't done this 6 00:00:45.080 --> 00:00:54.800 teaching really before for many people just for some of my in-house crew and so 7 00:00:54.800 --> 00:00:59.040 we're going to be jumping in in this video we're going to be jumping into 8 00:00:59.040 --> 00:01:06.160 part two on the seven sacred systems sorry the seven sacred pathways to 9 00:01:06.160 --> 00:01:13.480 intimacy which I think has the capacity to be a massive game-changer for 10 00:01:13.480 --> 00:01:18.640 relationships for marriages for single people who want to get married and want 11 00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:27.480 some massive game-changing tips and relationship hacks before they even get 12 00:01:27.480 --> 00:01:36.280 into that so I'm really really pumped about this and this is information that 13 00:01:36.280 --> 00:01:44.840 I gained through a whole lot of suffering and learning etc it's going to 14 00:01:44.840 --> 00:01:48.440 be exciting so if you can hear me alright just give me a thumbs up say 15 00:01:48.440 --> 00:01:52.320 hello so I can hear you I can see a bunch of you guys jumping on I can see 16 00:01:52.320 --> 00:01:58.760 Ness and Sandy and Kevin and Julie and Jeanette and Sam and Hayley and John and 17 00:01:58.760 --> 00:02:02.880 there's a whole bunch more so if you're there give me a thumbs up so I can I can 18 00:02:02.880 --> 00:02:08.160 see because not all the faces pop up D good to see you as well if you're 19 00:02:08.160 --> 00:02:13.080 watching this in the replay as well then just give me a thumbs up say hello I'm 20 00:02:13.080 --> 00:02:17.840 here I check I watch all the feedback of who's watching the replays as well so 21 00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:23.720 love to journey with you guys on this and I think this is honestly a huge 22 00:02:23.720 --> 00:02:34.760 topic so today because I know that so many of us in the pursuit for intimacy 23 00:02:34.760 --> 00:02:42.560 suffer a lot I'm gonna do something that I haven't done before in a online 24 00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:46.680 dynamic I'm going to go deeper I'm going to get more vulnerable I'm going to 25 00:02:46.680 --> 00:02:52.120 share about my marriage I'm going to share about a bit about my sex life and 26 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:58.280 my suffering and all those dynamics so that you guys can kind of get an inside 27 00:02:58.280 --> 00:03:04.480 of you on on my world and where I'm speaking to you from and I'm not sure 28 00:03:04.480 --> 00:03:08.440 I'm not going to try and come to you as an expert but I'm going to come to you 29 00:03:08.440 --> 00:03:16.560 today as someone who is journeying on this road with you together into what I 30 00:03:16.560 --> 00:03:23.200 believe is the core desire of the human heart to be intimately known and to be 31 00:03:23.200 --> 00:03:27.600 able to know someone intimately in and I think there's actually a dynamic that 32 00:03:27.600 --> 00:03:31.800 cuts that goes a little bit further beyond that as well that it is not only 33 00:03:31.800 --> 00:03:37.000 to be known intimately but to be known intimately and loved unconditionally in 34 00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:44.480 the context of being known intimately and so that's where we're going and 35 00:03:44.600 --> 00:03:50.000 really excited to have all you guys with us if you've got friends and family 36 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:55.800 which we all do who are on this journey of wanting to go deeper into intimacy 37 00:03:55.800 --> 00:04:01.320 and and create a marriage that looks like bliss or if you're single and you're 38 00:04:01.320 --> 00:04:04.320 wanting to get married and you look like man why is this not working out for me 39 00:04:04.320 --> 00:04:09.020 give me some hints and tips and some relationship hacks on how how I can set 40 00:04:09.020 --> 00:04:14.200 myself up for a great marriage because what we'll be covering a lot of it 41 00:04:14.200 --> 00:04:18.640 applies to single people a lot all the foundations to intimacy you can do as a 42 00:04:18.640 --> 00:04:24.720 single person right so half of the stuff that makes a relationship work you can 43 00:04:24.720 --> 00:04:28.600 do before you even get married and if you don't do it before you get married 44 00:04:28.600 --> 00:04:32.320 you set yourself up for a lot of suffering if you do do it before you 45 00:04:32.320 --> 00:04:37.560 get married you're setting yourself up for a massive success so give me a 46 00:04:37.560 --> 00:04:44.000 thumbs up give me a yes if you're excited about going deeper into this 47 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:53.120 journey of intimacy and also here's a big one here's a big one if you because 48 00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:57.360 I'm gonna be literally taking some personal risk and getting more vulnerable 49 00:04:57.360 --> 00:05:01.960 than I've ever been before online so if 50 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.680 you want to encourage me into being be vulnerable if you want me to get really 51 00:05:04.680 --> 00:05:08.840 vulnerable with you and share my real heart then I just want you to say go 52 00:05:08.840 --> 00:05:12.000 vulnerable all right whether you're watching the replay or watching your 53 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:16.440 live if you want vulnerability and you want me to really open my heart up to 54 00:05:16.440 --> 00:05:23.020 you then just in the comments just write get vulnerable all right and and that 55 00:05:23.020 --> 00:05:27.480 will just encourage me when I make the decision as to how deep I go that'll be 56 00:05:27.480 --> 00:05:30.960 encouraging me and helping me influencing me in the decision of how 57 00:05:30.960 --> 00:05:36.520 deep I really go on this journey but all right John wants me to go vulnerable hey 58 00:05:36.520 --> 00:05:44.400 let's start with praying and then we'll jump into it Trinity I thank you so much 59 00:05:44.400 --> 00:05:49.800 for the way that you created us I thank you so much for the way that you 60 00:05:49.800 --> 00:05:56.320 designed us that you formed us and fashioned us with this unrelenting 61 00:05:56.320 --> 00:06:05.440 desire for intimacy and so Holy Spirit I just welcome you into this time right 62 00:06:05.440 --> 00:06:11.120 now and I welcome you into this into this space here where I am into my heart 63 00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:17.000 and I welcome you into the space where every other heart is right now Holy 64 00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:23.040 Spirit you know the journey of each person you know the personal suffering 65 00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:29.160 the pressure the trials the disappointments you know the personal 66 00:06:29.160 --> 00:06:34.720 pain that has been experienced by every person listening and Holy Spirit I 67 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:39.640 invite you into that space right now and Holy Spirit as I go vulnerable and as I 68 00:06:39.640 --> 00:06:44.720 go deep I ask you Holy Spirit that you would go deep in the hearts of everyone 69 00:06:44.720 --> 00:06:51.440 listening that there would be a real level of vulnerability and intimacy even 70 00:06:51.440 --> 00:06:59.120 as we talk today Holy Spirit I ask that you would protect this space as well 71 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:03.680 that you would create a safety around this space for people as our hearts go 72 00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:08.800 deep and we welcome you into this journey Holy Spirit lead us where you 73 00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:15.200 need us to go in your beautiful name Amen boom guys well great to have all of 74 00:07:15.200 --> 00:07:19.960 you with us like I said we're gonna start with some Bible reading and the 75 00:07:19.960 --> 00:07:26.680 Bible reading is going to be from up here Matthew 19 3 to 6 so let me grab my 76 00:07:26.680 --> 00:07:37.680 Bible and we're going to jump right into it so Matthew chapter 19 starting at 77 00:07:37.680 --> 00:07:45.320 verse 3 this is all about intimacy is really the core theme of this short 78 00:07:45.320 --> 00:07:54.360 little passage so here we go some of some Pharisees came to Jesus to test him 79 00:07:54.360 --> 00:08:03.840 they asked is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every 80 00:08:03.840 --> 00:08:08.120 reason how old is that is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and 81 00:08:08.120 --> 00:08:16.640 every reason so these guys are their question is really about disconnection 82 00:08:16.640 --> 00:08:23.960 separation yet that whole dynamic of divorce but Jesus replies is beautiful 83 00:08:23.960 --> 00:08:29.200 he says haven't you read he replied that at the beginning the Creator made them 84 00:08:29.200 --> 00:08:37.000 male and female and said for this reason a man will leave his father and mother 85 00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:43.360 and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh so they are no 86 00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:50.160 longer two but one flesh therefore what God has joined together let no one 87 00:08:50.160 --> 00:08:57.440 separate so I want to touch on this lightly but don't want to spend too long 88 00:08:57.440 --> 00:09:01.160 on it as well because as you can see we've got a real journey ahead of us 89 00:09:01.160 --> 00:09:05.520 today into some real deep beautiful stuff Aaron Karen great to see you guys 90 00:09:05.520 --> 00:09:11.600 great to see everyone that's here so that these guys were saying what's the 91 00:09:11.600 --> 00:09:15.440 lowest common denominator like how can we get away with can we live with 92 00:09:15.440 --> 00:09:18.880 dysfunction like how do we get away with dysfunctions what their question was 93 00:09:18.880 --> 00:09:22.280 they were asking about you know can we can we divorce can we do all these 94 00:09:22.280 --> 00:09:26.920 things but really the core of it the core thing is that how can we function 95 00:09:26.920 --> 00:09:31.640 with dysfunction and so Jesus is like let's not let's not talk about your 96 00:09:31.640 --> 00:09:36.400 dysfunction right now and he jumps above that and he comes from this divine 97 00:09:36.400 --> 00:09:43.160 paradigm and from that divine paradigm he says actually let's just ignore your 98 00:09:43.160 --> 00:09:48.080 dysfunctional separation disconnection divorce paradigms for a moment and let's 99 00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:52.160 talk about the divine design for your life and so he says in the beginning the 100 00:09:52.160 --> 00:09:57.600 Creator made the male and female and that's gender right that's sex we say 101 00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:01.880 what what sex are you male or female 102 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:07.560 and some people you know so it's are you male or female what's your gender the 103 00:10:07.560 --> 00:10:13.040 thing with that is that's your sexuality God created you with a stunning sex 104 00:10:13.040 --> 00:10:19.360 drive he put a huge sex drive and each person and so much of a sex drive that 105 00:10:19.360 --> 00:10:26.760 that Jesus said that a man once he you know he will stay with his mum and dad 106 00:10:26.760 --> 00:10:32.720 until he's he meets his wife and then boom they will become you know they'll 107 00:10:32.720 --> 00:10:37.120 be joined in sexual union or intimacy or intercourse or whatever and then they'll 108 00:10:37.120 --> 00:10:42.920 become one and then he and he says what God has joined let no man separate so he 109 00:10:42.920 --> 00:10:49.040 blesses it and he loves intimacy and in the heart of the divine design for 110 00:10:49.040 --> 00:10:54.480 humanity we were designed for intimacy and he's put this huge sex drive in us 111 00:10:54.480 --> 00:11:00.520 that this dynamic this sense of attraction and the sense of desire of 112 00:11:00.520 --> 00:11:10.600 longing to to know and to be loved and to be known and to be be loved he's put 113 00:11:10.600 --> 00:11:16.880 that in the very core of our being so let me let me transition now that we've 114 00:11:16.880 --> 00:11:19.840 just we've just touched on that I just wanted to touch on that just this fact 115 00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:25.320 that it's in the divine design for us to live with extreme intimacy and while 116 00:11:25.320 --> 00:11:29.240 you know while people are often talking about what's the lowest common 117 00:11:29.240 --> 00:11:33.000 denominator how can we survive without dysfunction Jesus just comes to it from 118 00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:37.800 a different dynamic and says look out the divine design for your life is 119 00:11:37.800 --> 00:11:44.240 extreme intimacy and that intimacy that we were designed for is total bliss and 120 00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:48.720 so when we think of marriage the culture in our day has all sorts of connotations 121 00:11:48.720 --> 00:11:53.760 around marriage and often if you see married men portrayed in a movie they're 122 00:11:53.760 --> 00:11:57.960 often at the pub drinking moaning about the marriages and I just want to say 123 00:11:57.960 --> 00:12:04.400 that is like a dysfunctional blueprint and it's not the divine design the 124 00:12:04.400 --> 00:12:12.160 divine design for our marriages is that our marriages would be absolute bliss so 125 00:12:12.160 --> 00:12:17.040 having said that having just introduced this topic of intimacy that that were 126 00:12:17.040 --> 00:12:24.400 created for intimacy I want to give you the seven sacred pathways to intimacy 127 00:12:24.400 --> 00:12:31.800 and then I want to share with you from my journey how how this is really played 128 00:12:31.800 --> 00:12:36.920 out in our marriage and I want to share with you some of the things that I did 129 00:12:36.920 --> 00:12:42.720 that really put unnecessary pressure on our marriage and you guys can come along 130 00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:46.440 with me alright so if you're keen to see the seven sacred pathways to intimacy 131 00:12:46.440 --> 00:12:50.480 give me a thumbs up give me a yes if you're keen to go there and here we are 132 00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:56.800 conveniently I've already put them up on the whiteboard so if I just bring this 133 00:12:56.800 --> 00:13:02.120 bad boy down a little bit you'll be able to see all seven of them right oh boom 134 00:13:02.120 --> 00:13:10.600 you've got all seven there now so I'll introduce these pathways to intimacy and 135 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:18.760 then after that I will show how they interacted in our and our marriage and 136 00:13:18.760 --> 00:13:23.360 you'll probably be able to see how they relate to your marriage and whether 137 00:13:23.360 --> 00:13:27.560 you're single hey I see Patricia saying it's if it's not I'm single it's not for 138 00:13:27.560 --> 00:13:33.800 me wrong answer even if you're single right even if you're single this session 139 00:13:33.800 --> 00:13:40.960 is totally for you because the first three sacred pathways the foundations of 140 00:13:40.960 --> 00:13:47.160 intimacy they take place like we can work on those while we're single so if 141 00:13:47.160 --> 00:13:52.440 you think this is just for married people it's not alright this is hugely 142 00:13:52.440 --> 00:13:57.680 for it's just as much for single people as it is for married people so the 143 00:13:57.680 --> 00:14:02.200 foundations of intimacy where intimacy begins because when we think of intimacy 144 00:14:02.200 --> 00:14:06.680 boom people often thinking of sex and I see that comment there I'm not married I 145 00:14:06.680 --> 00:14:11.520 guess it's not for me absolutely this is totally for you because the like 146 00:14:11.520 --> 00:14:19.480 building the foundations of an amazing marriage start start well before you're 147 00:14:19.480 --> 00:14:22.720 married if you wait till you're married to start building the foundations for 148 00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:29.400 intimacy then you're going to have a really really painful rocky ride when 149 00:14:29.400 --> 00:14:35.560 your marriage does start so let's look at the foundations of intimacy so the 150 00:14:35.560 --> 00:14:42.440 first one the seven pathways just quickly is spiritual, emotional, intellectual, 151 00:14:42.440 --> 00:14:49.360 sensual, financial, directional and sexual all right boom so the first three 152 00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:57.360 spiritual, emotional, intellectual those are the foundations of intimacy now if 153 00:14:57.360 --> 00:15:01.920 you look at the foundations of intimacy the foundation 154 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:09.120 Relations of intimacy, check this out, they determine your capacity to be known and to 155 00:15:09.120 --> 00:15:10.120 know someone. 156 00:15:10.120 --> 00:15:16.880 Or alternatively you could say they determine your capacity to receive love and to express 157 00:15:16.880 --> 00:15:17.880 love. 158 00:15:17.880 --> 00:15:26.040 If the perfect example for what intimacy looks like and what intimacy should look like in 159 00:15:26.040 --> 00:15:33.560 our marriages in terms of what intimacy looks like, the best blueprint that we have is the 160 00:15:33.560 --> 00:15:39.400 Trinity, the fellowship of the Trinity, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as they 161 00:15:39.400 --> 00:15:41.600 are seamlessly one. 162 00:15:41.600 --> 00:15:48.520 What happens is each member of the Trinity expresses divine love perfectly to the other 163 00:15:48.520 --> 00:15:55.320 members of the Trinity and receives divine love perfectly from each member of the Trinity. 164 00:15:55.320 --> 00:16:01.040 Now Sonship, this is why I love talking about Sonship because Sonship, when we discover 165 00:16:01.040 --> 00:16:08.360 Sonship we really master these foundations of intimacy because the art of Sonship is 166 00:16:08.360 --> 00:16:15.320 the art of receiving divine love perfectly and giving perfect expression to divine love. 167 00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:23.000 So that's one of the reasons why I'm big about Sonship because if you understand your Sonship, 168 00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:34.560 if you understand your Sonship, then you're so, so set up for phenomenal intimacy in your 169 00:16:34.560 --> 00:16:35.560 relationships. 170 00:16:35.560 --> 00:16:41.120 I see Patricia saying, I'm 62 and not going to marry but I'll relate with Father. 171 00:16:41.120 --> 00:16:42.880 Very cool. 172 00:16:42.880 --> 00:16:47.680 So yeah, then the first three, Patricia for you, if you're not wanting to get married, 173 00:16:47.800 --> 00:16:55.600 the first three pathways for you relate hugely to your relationship with the Trinity as well. 174 00:16:55.600 --> 00:17:00.400 So the first three, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, then number four is sensual 175 00:17:00.400 --> 00:17:07.520 and then the big three, the big makers or breakers are financial, directional and sexual. 176 00:17:07.520 --> 00:17:15.040 So when you listen to the reasons, the main reasons why people do get divorced, it's usually 177 00:17:15.040 --> 00:17:19.280 to do with financial, directional and sexual. 178 00:17:19.280 --> 00:17:26.440 This is where the issues really show up, but even though this is where the issues really 179 00:17:26.440 --> 00:17:36.320 show up, they are, oh let me grab a pen, these issues here are financial, directional, sexual, 180 00:17:36.320 --> 00:17:44.080 those issues are really multiplied, they make really, really bad if we don't have a strong 181 00:17:44.080 --> 00:17:45.080 foundation for them. 182 00:17:45.080 --> 00:17:49.920 So if we haven't got spiritual, emotional, intellectual foundations in place, then boom, 183 00:17:49.920 --> 00:17:55.080 we're going to have, these issues are going to go, they're going to get to breaking point 184 00:17:55.080 --> 00:17:56.080 pretty quick. 185 00:17:56.080 --> 00:18:01.800 All right, I think that's, I think that'll cover it for now, we'll, in the future I'll 186 00:18:01.800 --> 00:18:07.600 go, I'll do a deep dive into what each of those pathways actually looks like, but for 187 00:18:07.600 --> 00:18:14.800 now, I'm going to start showing you some of these other things, so that I can help 188 00:18:14.800 --> 00:18:17.280 paint a picture for you of what my marriage looks like. 189 00:18:17.280 --> 00:18:22.040 Give me a thumbs up or say yes I do, if you want to start seeing what my marriage looks 190 00:18:22.040 --> 00:18:26.720 like and how, what the pressure was like in my marriage when we first got married. 191 00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:31.440 So if you are keen on seeing that, give me a thumbs up. 192 00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:40.240 So let's jump into this beautiful fella over here, so this square here, this fella's a 193 00:18:40.240 --> 00:18:41.240 real winner. 194 00:18:41.240 --> 00:18:49.440 So we've got an L and an H and a T and an R, so the love, the L is for love, the H is 195 00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:55.520 for honour, and the love and the honour in a relationship is, those are the things that 196 00:18:55.520 --> 00:18:58.360 I give to you because of who I am. 197 00:18:58.360 --> 00:19:02.160 Oh, I see some, I see lots of thumbs up going down, that's very good. 198 00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:07.480 So in any type of relationship, whether it's a, you know, a marriage or whether it's just 199 00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:14.120 relating to anyone at all, we don't love based on other people's behaviour, and we don't 200 00:19:14.120 --> 00:19:19.840 honour people based on their behaviour, love and honour in the kingdom and in the heart 201 00:19:19.840 --> 00:19:27.840 of God and in the nature of God, love and honour are unconditional, right? 202 00:19:27.840 --> 00:19:35.120 I love because I am love, I honour because I am honourable, that's an expression of our 203 00:19:35.120 --> 00:19:39.200 identity, it's just an expression of who I am, it's like God, he loves because he is 204 00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:44.400 love, he honours because he is honourable, it's his nature, okay? 205 00:19:44.400 --> 00:19:51.400 So in relationships, love and honour, they're all on me, but the T stands for trust, the 206 00:19:51.400 --> 00:19:57.560 R stands for respect, trust and respect are all on the other person, so if you and I are 207 00:19:57.560 --> 00:19:59.960 having a relationship, love... 208 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:06.700 Honour is on me. It's it's my responsibility in the relationship to keep my love on to keep my love 209 00:20:07.220 --> 00:20:12.800 Unconditional and to keep my honor on and to love you and to honor you regardless of your behavior 210 00:20:13.060 --> 00:20:18.220 But if you want trust and respect that's on you. All right 211 00:20:18.740 --> 00:20:20.220 and 212 00:20:20.220 --> 00:20:24.900 Trust and respect they have to be earned love and honor are given trust and respect have to be earned 213 00:20:24.900 --> 00:20:27.260 That is all on you if you want my trust 214 00:20:28.060 --> 00:20:33.020 Don't expect me just to give it to you. I think Christians are so naive in this area 215 00:20:33.020 --> 00:20:38.660 We will give people trust and respect where it is not earned and where it is not 216 00:20:39.100 --> 00:20:46.980 Deserved now, this is a major issue when Christians start getting into business when Christians start getting to investing and especially when Christians start getting into 217 00:20:47.540 --> 00:20:49.540 Relationships, I've seen so many 218 00:20:50.260 --> 00:20:51.980 Christian 219 00:20:52.020 --> 00:20:58.820 People start relationships and they just go in automatically trusting the person automatically respecting the person without having 220 00:20:59.620 --> 00:21:06.860 Tested them without having them require requiring people to earn their trust and earn their respect. Now if we get these 221 00:21:08.020 --> 00:21:10.020 We get these dynamics messed up 222 00:21:11.140 --> 00:21:15.460 Then things will go crazy. All right, so if we think that 223 00:21:16.060 --> 00:21:19.100 We should trust and respect people unconditionally 224 00:21:19.660 --> 00:21:26.860 But that our love and our honor should be conditional then boom we're gonna set ourselves up for major dysfunction. All right 225 00:21:27.660 --> 00:21:35.060 Okay, so this circle here, right just if you can for a moment try and ignore the arrows 226 00:21:35.060 --> 00:21:37.600 All right, but just focus on these circles 227 00:21:39.100 --> 00:21:43.980 These are you can call them trust circles or intimacy circles 228 00:21:44.300 --> 00:21:51.260 These these circles represent the level of intimacy that you might be sharing with someone in a 229 00:21:53.140 --> 00:21:55.140 In a relationship, all right 230 00:21:55.500 --> 00:21:59.740 So I've got a little bulls-eye here a little red mark the way that we were designed 231 00:22:00.380 --> 00:22:04.900 for intimacy is that at the very core of our being we were designed to 232 00:22:06.540 --> 00:22:11.980 Know God and to be known by God and a level of intimacy that no other human can participate in 233 00:22:12.300 --> 00:22:14.860 That we are seamlessly one 234 00:22:15.820 --> 00:22:19.100 with the Trinity, okay, so this very 235 00:22:19.980 --> 00:22:26.220 Core circle the bulls-eye the red circle that represents how our divine design for intimacy 236 00:22:26.700 --> 00:22:31.380 With the Trinity and really there's only space there in the very core of our being in the most 237 00:22:31.660 --> 00:22:34.980 Intimate part of who we are. There's only space there for the Trinity 238 00:22:36.500 --> 00:22:38.500 And then outside of that 239 00:22:39.500 --> 00:22:43.860 Boom this next inner circle. We've probably really only got space for 240 00:22:44.820 --> 00:22:46.820 boom our 241 00:22:46.820 --> 00:22:48.820 spouse our 242 00:22:48.940 --> 00:22:56.500 Our marriage partners there, right? Boom. We've got space for one out of there. That's just the way that we design and then everyone else 243 00:22:59.700 --> 00:23:04.500 Gets placed in other various places our other relationships that might be your mum, right? 244 00:23:04.700 --> 00:23:09.340 In that in that top level of trust and this might be over here 245 00:23:10.260 --> 00:23:12.260 the guy that pumps your gas 246 00:23:12.820 --> 00:23:14.820 at the gas station and 247 00:23:15.180 --> 00:23:20.780 Who knows this this over here might be someone that was a friend from school 20 years ago 248 00:23:21.420 --> 00:23:27.380 And this over here that might be a really good friend in church. I hope you're getting getting the vibe, but 249 00:23:28.540 --> 00:23:34.060 What we have here is that in these in these trust circles or in these intimacy circles 250 00:23:34.820 --> 00:23:36.060 we 251 00:23:36.060 --> 00:23:40.220 Can create a real issue in our lives if we just leave people 252 00:23:40.740 --> 00:23:46.380 Jump on in there without them earning the trust. Okay, they need it people need to earn the trust 253 00:23:46.380 --> 00:23:48.380 So let me know if you have ever 254 00:23:48.500 --> 00:23:53.220 Stuffed this up and let me know if you've ever been betrayed if you've ever been ripped off 255 00:23:53.420 --> 00:23:58.980 Give me a thumbs up or a yes or even share the story of what happened on a time where you gave someone 256 00:23:59.660 --> 00:24:04.220 Respect that they didn't deserve and you got burnt for it. Let me know what happened for you 257 00:24:04.220 --> 00:24:07.860 I've had that multiple times in ministry. I've had it in business 258 00:24:07.860 --> 00:24:09.260 I've had it in relationships 259 00:24:09.260 --> 00:24:15.220 Or I've given people trust and respect they didn't deserve and because I gave them trust and respect that they didn't deserve 260 00:24:15.220 --> 00:24:21.020 I actually allowed them too close into my world and and they ripped me off. They betrayed me 261 00:24:21.020 --> 00:24:23.020 They backstab me or whatever it is 262 00:24:23.580 --> 00:24:28.200 So the more trust and the more respect a person go 263 00:24:29.980 --> 00:24:32.740 Demonstrates then the safer 264 00:24:34.140 --> 00:24:35.900 They are 265 00:24:35.900 --> 00:24:37.900 And if a person's safe 266 00:24:37.940 --> 00:24:43.020 Then you want to it's you know, it's fine just to invite them in and in and in a lane 267 00:24:43.380 --> 00:24:45.380 But if person's being unsafe 268 00:24:45.940 --> 00:24:51.300 Right, you don't want to take a person who is unsafe and go boom and put them right in the very core of you 269 00:24:51.380 --> 00:24:53.380 Now that applies to 270 00:24:53.700 --> 00:24:55.700 marriage partners as well 271 00:24:55.980 --> 00:24:58.340 This has happened a lot, you know, like there's some 272 00:24:59.300 --> 00:25:01.300 man, I mean 273 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:07.160 So many times that the person I've heard so many stories of people have been married to someone and in that person that they were 274 00:25:07.160 --> 00:25:12.360 Married to even and especially in Christian marriages that person actually changes, you know 275 00:25:12.360 --> 00:25:19.400 they it's like a facade fell away and they had put on this facade of being a safe person and in that place of like 276 00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:21.480 Kind of this facade of being a safe person 277 00:25:21.480 --> 00:25:27.080 They got married and they live the right of the world and they're right in here and it's been all of a sudden 278 00:25:27.080 --> 00:25:29.560 It's like a mask comes off and the guy turns out 279 00:25:29.560 --> 00:25:35.040 It's like a Jekyll and Hyde thing that all the guy or the girl the person just turns out to be an absolute 280 00:25:35.160 --> 00:25:37.800 Crazy make like total chaos maker 281 00:25:38.320 --> 00:25:42.960 Radically dysfunctional and they start just blowing things up making chaos in the world 282 00:25:44.640 --> 00:25:49.920 Is that a safe person I think no, I think that's an unsafe person and so what happens 283 00:25:51.320 --> 00:25:53.400 Generally, there is someone's not safe 284 00:25:53.400 --> 00:26:03.000 They need to experience being shifted out of these trust boundaries or out of these safety boundaries or out of these intimacy boundaries 285 00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:07.800 Sometimes we do it consciously and sometimes we do it subconsciously. So it's 286 00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:13.160 Yeah, absolutely Patricia can be either gender so 287 00:26:15.280 --> 00:26:21.160 What I want to say here is we do this even though that some of you might be hearing this for the first time we 288 00:26:21.160 --> 00:26:22.720 do this 289 00:26:22.800 --> 00:26:27.600 Consciously and we do it subconsciously. So you might have heard of training on it and now that's how you work 290 00:26:27.760 --> 00:26:34.920 But you also might have just been doing it subconsciously just like if someone's unsafe. Well, you just push them away and put up a wall 291 00:26:36.240 --> 00:26:38.240 So these are boundaries 292 00:26:39.360 --> 00:26:41.360 And when it comes to intimacy 293 00:26:42.960 --> 00:26:47.800 I'll just I'll just say that to the degree that someone is safe. You can be vulnerable 294 00:26:52.720 --> 00:26:56.720 And the more vulnerable you are the more access they have 295 00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:04.920 To you and your resources 296 00:27:10.920 --> 00:27:12.920 Okay 297 00:27:14.040 --> 00:27:15.560 Now 298 00:27:15.560 --> 00:27:18.040 Now you can kind of just understand what these circles are 299 00:27:18.200 --> 00:27:26.360 These circles represent a level of intimacy that you're experiencing in your marriage in your relationship 300 00:27:27.480 --> 00:27:33.240 But the higher you get in the more intimate you are and if you're living in this place here 301 00:27:33.280 --> 00:27:40.160 Where everything's in the sweet spot like that literally is the bliss marriage. That's the supernatural marriage. That's the divine 302 00:27:41.160 --> 00:27:43.160 design 303 00:27:44.040 --> 00:27:45.320 I 304 00:27:45.320 --> 00:27:49.000 Just see someone commenting here is anyone else internet glitching 305 00:27:51.640 --> 00:27:54.000 No, there you go, I see some people making comments about 306 00:27:54.880 --> 00:27:56.600 being 307 00:27:56.600 --> 00:27:58.600 Being ripped off as well 308 00:27:58.760 --> 00:28:03.280 Sweet, so just give me a thumbs up to someone made a comment about the internet is the internet good 309 00:28:03.280 --> 00:28:05.200 I see Sam saying the internet is good 310 00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:09.520 Everyone else just give me a thumbs up just to make sure that the internet is good and I don't need to change anything to 311 00:28:09.520 --> 00:28:12.400 Do with my connection. Hopefully it's vibing well for you 312 00:28:15.480 --> 00:28:17.480 Okay 313 00:28:17.480 --> 00:28:19.480 Okay, all right, so 314 00:28:21.240 --> 00:28:27.120 If I'm getting some thumbs up, okay, so I'm getting some thumbs up looks like the internet's good post in here if 315 00:28:27.560 --> 00:28:30.920 I'm watching the comments. So if if the internet starts 316 00:28:31.600 --> 00:28:37.640 Failing let me know. I think it's sweet from my end. But if it's not I'll change things. All right. Okay, sweet 317 00:28:37.640 --> 00:28:39.640 We'll charge on 318 00:28:39.840 --> 00:28:43.200 Like I'm trying to what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to create for you guys 319 00:28:44.000 --> 00:28:49.600 Context in the picture a way of being able to show you how my marriage started out and what it looked like 320 00:28:49.960 --> 00:28:51.960 Where the pressure points were? 321 00:28:53.920 --> 00:28:56.600 So that I can start telling you more of my story 322 00:28:58.360 --> 00:29:01.920 Okay, now let me show you what these arrows made of these arrows 323 00:29:03.200 --> 00:29:07.600 These arrows represent each one of the seven sacred pathways towards 324 00:29:08.480 --> 00:29:10.480 To intimacy so each of these arrows 325 00:29:11.280 --> 00:29:13.280 They create enormous 326 00:29:13.600 --> 00:29:21.280 pressure on a relationship and that the pressure that they create or them in the momentum that they create is either momentum towards 327 00:29:21.440 --> 00:29:24.640 intimacy or away from intimacy, so you can see the 328 00:29:25.640 --> 00:29:27.640 double-ended arrows and they 329 00:29:27.880 --> 00:29:32.200 They're either pushing us towards intimacy or they're pushing us towards 330 00:29:33.040 --> 00:29:39.160 Separation and disconnection and dysfunction right here in the in the center. That is the sweet spot. That's the bliss marriage 331 00:29:40.680 --> 00:29:43.360 Okay, so number one 332 00:29:45.360 --> 00:29:47.360 Number one represents 333 00:29:48.320 --> 00:29:50.320 Spiritual that's the 334 00:29:50.880 --> 00:29:53.340 First part my spiritual right tracking with me 335 00:29:54.440 --> 00:29:56.440 number two is emotional 336 00:29:59.240 --> 00:30:01.240 As I 337 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.880 this foundation it's going to be really valuable for you to be able to see where our marriage was 338 00:30:04.880 --> 00:30:12.880 at and how come I came to a place of wondering can our marriage actually survive. So I'm going to 339 00:30:12.880 --> 00:30:19.360 create this context for you so you can see what was going on in my heart in my head why we managed 340 00:30:19.360 --> 00:30:26.400 to stay together and where all the pressure came from. So first one the first part of my spiritual 341 00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:28.720 emotional then intellectual 342 00:30:33.840 --> 00:30:35.760 and then we have sensual 343 00:30:39.200 --> 00:30:39.840 financial 344 00:30:44.320 --> 00:30:45.040 directional 345 00:30:47.520 --> 00:30:50.400 and last of all sexual 346 00:30:51.200 --> 00:30:58.320 emotional. Boom we got it. Okay story time now story time. 347 00:31:00.640 --> 00:31:08.080 So when I got married uh to my amazing wife Alana when we first got married oh I have to show you 348 00:31:08.080 --> 00:31:13.920 one other thing as well this outside here this green arrow uh this green circle around here 349 00:31:13.920 --> 00:31:19.680 it represents other pressures that can come on your marriage other pressures that might be crushing 350 00:31:19.680 --> 00:31:25.680 or attacking your marriage in some way um yeah afterwards I'll definitely take a pic and put 351 00:31:25.680 --> 00:31:33.440 this up as well um let me just zoom I'll just zoom up on this for a moment for you guys as well 352 00:31:34.960 --> 00:31:39.440 okay so here you go um 353 00:31:39.600 --> 00:31:40.100 um 354 00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:49.760 okay there you go so just giving a quick zoom zoom in on this so we've got spiritual emotional 355 00:31:49.760 --> 00:31:56.560 intellectual sensual financial directional and sexual on the seven sacred pathways and then 356 00:31:57.120 --> 00:32:03.600 we've shown off our love trust honor respect dynamic and then we've got here's our circle 357 00:32:03.600 --> 00:32:08.720 so trust circles and then we've got the seven sacred pathways that are leading either to 358 00:32:09.280 --> 00:32:14.720 connection or disconnection and then the green circle around the outside represents the other 359 00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:21.520 pressures and so there we go now at uh let's get back to story time 360 00:32:24.480 --> 00:32:28.800 flipping it around and boom 361 00:32:28.800 --> 00:32:41.280 um okay so let me show you what it was like when we first got married so this other precious thing 362 00:32:41.920 --> 00:32:48.560 for some people that might look like health issues give you a vibe of what it was like for us 363 00:32:51.520 --> 00:32:52.020 um 364 00:32:52.740 --> 00:32:55.940 when we first got married 365 00:32:58.020 --> 00:33:06.740 what I didn't realize something that snuck up on us is the level of burnout that my wife 366 00:33:06.740 --> 00:33:14.420 was actually going through so for several years before we got married she had worked 367 00:33:15.060 --> 00:33:21.380 in a Christian ministry in a context where there had been some major things go down and some people 368 00:33:21.380 --> 00:33:28.980 had you know staff members uh had died of illness there had been uh 369 00:33:32.020 --> 00:33:38.900 for the sake of time I won't go into it too much but there'd been a huge amount of pressure uh for 370 00:33:41.380 --> 00:33:49.220 um for her for four years to the point that she was burnt totally completely burnt out 371 00:33:49.220 --> 00:33:58.740 and when I say burnt out she was burnt out spiritually and emotionally and physically she 372 00:33:58.740 --> 00:34:04.980 was she was burnt out but it was almost like it came like a slow tidal wave and we didn't understand 373 00:34:04.980 --> 00:34:10.340 the full dynamic of it at the time I definitely didn't she might have had a better idea of how 374 00:34:10.340 --> 00:34:19.300 burnt out she was but for me I didn't get the I didn't get the revelation until maybe about a 375 00:34:19.300 --> 00:34:31.699 month in to um until about a month into our marriage so here's what happened uh I'll give 376 00:34:31.699 --> 00:34:36.340 you I'll give you like I was I didn't know much about relationships so here's what happened 377 00:34:36.340 --> 00:34:41.219 she's sitting on the on the couch and I'm looking at her and she basically looks depressed right 378 00:34:41.219 --> 00:34:47.860 she's and as a husband when you see your wife looking depressed you feel like a total failure 379 00:34:47.860 --> 00:34:53.940 you feel like you've failed at life when your wife looks uh when your wife is looking depressed and 380 00:34:54.739 --> 00:34:59.860 that's totally not her normal but after four years of being absolutely crushed in this context 381 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:08.000 A wave of burnout just hit her. So spiritually, she's totally burnt out. Emotionally, she's burnt out. Physically, she's burnt out. 382 00:35:08.000 --> 00:35:15.000 And because I'm like real big on the spiritual side of things, I was like, oh babe, what we need to do is we just need to pray in tongues together. 383 00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:20.000 So I'm like, I'm like, I'm sitting on the couch with her, holding her, starting to pray in the spirit. 384 00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.000 And I look at her and she's got no capacity for that right now. 385 00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:31.000 And she just starts crying. I was like, oh man, this is, this is not working. 386 00:35:31.000 --> 00:35:38.000 And so I didn't really understand all the dynamics of the burnout that she was going through. 387 00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:48.000 But let me give you some other information as well around, around our, around our marriage and when we first got married. 388 00:35:48.000 --> 00:35:53.000 So my wife loves her family. She is tight with her family. 389 00:35:53.000 --> 00:35:58.000 She's got a huge amount of family and for her growing up, she spent loads of time with her family. 390 00:35:58.000 --> 00:36:09.000 They were always with her family. So in this one, direction, under direction is where you live, what you do and where you are going. 391 00:36:09.000 --> 00:36:15.000 And this is, this is in one of the top three of the deal breakers, the sexual, directional, financial. 392 00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:23.000 Those are the top three make or breaks in a relationship, the big causes of divorce. 393 00:36:23.000 --> 00:36:29.000 And for Alana, this is, you know, so it comes under where you live, what you do and where you are going. 394 00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:35.000 For Alana, she had never planned to live in Te Anau, which is where we live now. 395 00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:38.000 She'd always actually wanted to be close to family. 396 00:36:38.000 --> 00:36:44.000 And so after she's married me and she's kind of coming to this realization, oh my goodness, I've married Benji. 397 00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:49.000 We live in Te Anau and I want to be close to my family. 398 00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:53.000 So this was like, we were failing on this one. 399 00:36:53.000 --> 00:37:00.000 Like for Alana, the pressure was on hugely on direction, like on where we were living, so far from family. 400 00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.000 The pressure was on massively for spiritual because it was spiritual burnout. 401 00:37:04.000 --> 00:37:07.000 There was emotional burnout. 402 00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:13.000 Financial, let me give you another little picture of our marriage and the financial side of things. 403 00:37:13.000 --> 00:37:23.000 For about the first five years of our marriage, I worked full time chasing the dream without a wage. 404 00:37:23.000 --> 00:37:26.000 Maybe it might have been the first four years. 405 00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:27.000 I kind of forget to be honest. 406 00:37:27.000 --> 00:37:28.000 I did it for so long. 407 00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:36.000 It was probably, I spent years and years just chasing the dream, living by faith and God provided. 408 00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:39.000 He always eventually provided, but it was tight, right? 409 00:37:39.000 --> 00:37:43.000 And we literally didn't know when we were going to get our next meal from. 410 00:37:43.000 --> 00:37:46.000 And our credit card was in overdraft, like maxed out. 411 00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:48.000 We had $2,000 overdraft. 412 00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:53.000 And the concept back then of actually paying back $2,000 was huge. 413 00:37:53.000 --> 00:37:58.000 Like the ability to pay back $2,000 back then was a massive deal. 414 00:37:58.000 --> 00:38:00.000 We didn't have that type of money around. 415 00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:09.000 Yet our credit card was like maxing out at $2,000 plus on debit on the credit card, like hitting our limits. 416 00:38:09.000 --> 00:38:13.000 And we didn't know where our next meal was going to come from for years. 417 00:38:13.000 --> 00:38:15.000 So the financial pressure is huge. 418 00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:17.000 And it's not like I was lazy. 419 00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:19.000 I would regularly work 80 hours, 100 hours. 420 00:38:19.000 --> 00:38:24.000 So I was hustling, chasing the dream and going after revival. 421 00:38:24.000 --> 00:38:29.000 We would be ministering to people and we'd travel places and we'd minister. 422 00:38:29.000 --> 00:38:34.000 And people wouldn't even sometimes, not that often, but sometimes we'd travel the nation, we'd minister. 423 00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:38.000 We'd be spending huge amounts of our own finance to go and minister places. 424 00:38:38.000 --> 00:38:40.000 And then they wouldn't even take up a love offering. 425 00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:45.000 So it was like, oh man, like the financial pressure started to be, like that was huge. 426 00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:47.000 Okay, now sensual, sensual. 427 00:38:47.000 --> 00:38:49.000 Let's kind of get this down. 428 00:38:49.000 --> 00:38:53.000 A lot of people are familiar with the five love languages, which I've got over here. 429 00:38:53.000 --> 00:38:58.000 Now the five love languages come under the emotional pathway. 430 00:38:58.000 --> 00:39:02.000 So quality, time, acts of service, touch, gifts, words of affirmation. 431 00:39:02.000 --> 00:39:07.000 I'll give you guys a little bit of a picture of where we were at with that as well. 432 00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:11.000 So for myself, boom, touch, that was me. 433 00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:13.000 I was like, yes, I'm getting married. 434 00:39:13.000 --> 00:39:16.000 That means I get to have sex, which is awesome. 435 00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:25.000 Because as a good little Christian boy who was, actually Alana and I both saved ourselves for marriage. 436 00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.000 So I'm the only person that Alana has ever kissed. 437 00:39:29.000 --> 00:39:35.000 And we're both, yeah, we're both married as virgins, which was exciting. 438 00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:40.000 And so for me, I was about 26 when we got married. 439 00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:44.000 So I've been waiting 26 years to get some sex on. 440 00:39:44.000 --> 00:39:46.000 And so I'm like, yes, getting married. 441 00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:49.000 That is my, like, that's going to save me now. 442 00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:51.000 I get to have as much sex as I like. 443 00:39:51.000 --> 00:39:52.000 And it's going to be awesome. 444 00:39:53.000 --> 00:39:57.000 People out there, if you think that was a good mindset, give me a thumbs up. 445 00:39:57.000 --> 00:39:59.000 That was kind of what I thought didn't quite work out. 446 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:08.800 for me is touch and then after that it would be words of affirmation, boom, and then after that 447 00:40:09.360 --> 00:40:18.560 it would be probably acts of service and then for Alana it would be 448 00:40:20.880 --> 00:40:25.120 now it's kind of different now that she's a mum now that she's a mum it would be 449 00:40:25.120 --> 00:40:34.880 acts of service would be number one and then gifts would be number two 450 00:40:34.880 --> 00:40:39.840 and I think quality time would be number three. For me 451 00:40:42.240 --> 00:40:47.120 quality time would be number four and gifts would be number five and for her 452 00:40:48.960 --> 00:40:52.960 quality time would be number four and words of affirmation would be number five. Roughly how it 453 00:40:52.960 --> 00:40:57.440 would break down for us. Now let's let's get into this touch thing okay because what I didn't 454 00:40:57.440 --> 00:41:04.480 understand is there's two dynamics two dynamics of touch right so in the two dynamics of touch 455 00:41:04.480 --> 00:41:10.240 there's the sensual touch which is non-sexual touch and then there's the sexual touch which 456 00:41:10.240 --> 00:41:16.560 is very sexual and there's lots of sexiness and sexy things happening there. Now Alana 457 00:41:16.560 --> 00:41:21.520 she actually is quite into touch but her preference would be sensual touch 458 00:41:23.600 --> 00:41:28.560 and for me my preference would generally be sexual touch I'm like woohoo let's have some sex 459 00:41:30.560 --> 00:41:34.080 so just to give you an idea of that but I didn't even I didn't know that 460 00:41:34.080 --> 00:41:39.040 this pathway really existed and I hadn't kind of I didn't really understand the difference between 461 00:41:39.040 --> 00:41:43.680 sensual touch and non-sexual touch it wasn't really like a thing that I'd ever studied before 462 00:41:43.680 --> 00:41:50.720 right so for Alana um okay here's a hot tip for you guys out there if if you guys if you're 463 00:41:50.720 --> 00:41:57.360 married look save this like if you're married if you're married and uh the fastest way to get your 464 00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:02.800 wife to take her top off is to offer her a massage right so for me the fastest way to get Alana to 465 00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:08.640 take her top off is if I offer hey babe do you want a massage which is one of my weekly disciplines 466 00:42:08.640 --> 00:42:14.080 at least once a week and sometimes try and get more massages than that if we can but we've got 467 00:42:14.080 --> 00:42:21.280 the oil set up so I regularly give her an oil massage that would be sensual touch so it's 468 00:42:21.280 --> 00:42:27.040 non-sexual um kissing comes under sensual touch holding hands snuggling those things that sensual 469 00:42:27.040 --> 00:42:33.520 touch and Alana um yeah she was she was all about that but for me especially when we first got 470 00:42:33.520 --> 00:42:38.240 married I'm kind of like not really thinking about sensual touch so much and I'm I'm pretty 471 00:42:38.240 --> 00:42:43.680 hardwired for like let's have sexual touch going down so I don't know if you can see this but 472 00:42:43.680 --> 00:42:49.440 basically what we had is we had a total recipe for disaster and also you've got this other thing here 473 00:42:49.440 --> 00:42:56.320 of other pressures so the other pressures um would it would be like the burnout and the other pressures 474 00:42:56.320 --> 00:43:03.360 would also be the fact that we had crazy uh we had some crazy people around our lives like saying 475 00:43:03.360 --> 00:43:10.560 nasty stuff about our marriage um which is always hard to deal with give me an example for from your 476 00:43:10.560 --> 00:43:17.760 story uh from your life where have the pressures been so just type it in the um type it in in there 477 00:43:17.760 --> 00:43:23.280 of where the pressures have been the worst worst for you in your in your marriage and your journey 478 00:43:23.280 --> 00:43:28.880 and if you're not married um where you feel like they might be currently is it spiritual emotional 479 00:43:28.880 --> 00:43:35.520 intellectual sensual financial directional or sexual where where are the pressures at okay so 480 00:43:36.960 --> 00:43:42.080 um let me know where's the where where where have the pressures been in your marriage and then also 481 00:43:42.080 --> 00:43:47.600 what are the other external factors or other other factors that are causing pressure for for us was 482 00:43:47.600 --> 00:43:55.440 totally the burnout so being physically burnt out uh that was a huge one having some other people 483 00:43:55.440 --> 00:44:01.760 in our life at that stage as well who were saying crazy stuff about us uh that was also 484 00:44:01.760 --> 00:44:06.080 another external factor that was causing a lot of pain so 485 00:44:09.680 --> 00:44:15.600 so basically at the start you know we had we had so much pressure on our relationship um 486 00:44:15.600 --> 00:44:23.760 um and here's here's one of like a classic scenario of how this would then 487 00:44:24.480 --> 00:44:28.480 work out how it would end up playing out for us is 488 00:44:32.640 --> 00:44:34.880 actually i'm going to take i'm going to take you for a little walk with me 489 00:44:35.600 --> 00:44:38.640 i'm going to chat with you as we go um 490 00:44:39.040 --> 00:44:51.120 so classic scenario right for me is i'd be like yes uh we should uh we should have sex 491 00:44:52.240 --> 00:44:56.880 but alana's not feeling you know if you can imagine if you've got pressure in every area 492 00:44:56.880 --> 00:44:59.920 of your life do you feel sexy and the answer is 493 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:06.680 no and for me as a guy I was thinking well I'm kind of like a microwave if you 494 00:45:06.680 --> 00:45:14.520 want you know I'm I can be ready to go just like that but for Alana with all 495 00:45:14.520 --> 00:45:19.640 those other pressures on it just wasn't like that so I would end up feeling 496 00:45:19.640 --> 00:45:23.960 rejected now this is where one of the other pathways comes into play which is 497 00:45:23.960 --> 00:45:30.320 the spiritual one because I had I had a rejection wound happening in my heart so 498 00:45:30.320 --> 00:45:37.800 when I got rejected that set me off so that sets me off on this dynamic I'm 499 00:45:37.800 --> 00:45:40.880 just grabbing a um if you want to why I'm walking around at the moment I'm 500 00:45:40.880 --> 00:45:48.120 just grabbing a an extension cord because my phone here is just losing 501 00:45:48.160 --> 00:45:53.880 losing battery for a second so hold with me hold with me guys 502 00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:15.400 okay we got it so the rejection button oh the rejection button got got pressed 503 00:46:15.400 --> 00:46:22.120 in my heart and so I would have it I would end up having a meltdown and that 504 00:46:22.120 --> 00:46:30.440 would just lead to more here you see this I've got it happening now this 505 00:46:30.440 --> 00:46:35.680 boom extension cord is happening so let me know what about you guys have you 506 00:46:35.680 --> 00:46:40.360 guys any of you guys out there got rejection wounds or you've suffered with 507 00:46:40.360 --> 00:46:46.480 that before I'd love to hear from you guys if that's something that you guys 508 00:46:46.480 --> 00:46:49.560 are working through so this whole concept of all these emote all this 509 00:46:49.560 --> 00:46:56.480 emotional dysfunction that we carry from our our story our journey has a massive 510 00:46:56.480 --> 00:47:04.680 impact when it comes into into the relationship so if you look up here on 511 00:47:04.680 --> 00:47:12.280 the spiritual the spiritual dynamic has under that topic comes our image of God 512 00:47:12.280 --> 00:47:16.960 our identity our values our vision our level of wholeness and it dictates our 513 00:47:16.960 --> 00:47:30.760 emotional state of being boom here we go clocked us in there power sorted so 514 00:47:30.760 --> 00:47:35.160 everyone over on here the spiritual dynamic it includes our level of 515 00:47:35.160 --> 00:47:41.240 wholeness as an individual and also this this level of wholeness that we have as 516 00:47:41.240 --> 00:47:46.360 an individual it dictates our emotional state of being okay and then our 517 00:47:46.360 --> 00:47:50.920 emotional state of being under this emotional category comes out five love 518 00:47:50.920 --> 00:47:55.200 languages but it's also where spiritual issues start to surface the first if we've 519 00:47:55.200 --> 00:48:00.040 got some spiritual issues going on like a heart wounding and and all these 520 00:48:00.040 --> 00:48:05.440 issues from our past identity issues this is where they start surfacing here 521 00:48:05.440 --> 00:48:10.840 is an unhealthy emotion so I started having unhealthy emotions starting to 522 00:48:10.840 --> 00:48:16.600 manifest here like if Alana rejected me a little bit then oh my gosh this this 523 00:48:16.600 --> 00:48:22.200 emote I could have in having this emotional manifestation which is really 524 00:48:22.200 --> 00:48:27.960 just a spiritual spiritual issue surfacing here and manifesting here but 525 00:48:27.960 --> 00:48:33.840 here's what happens with with this let me give this scenario to a little bit 526 00:48:33.840 --> 00:48:39.240 so I've got a spiritual issue here which is an identity deficit I've got some 527 00:48:39.240 --> 00:48:43.960 wounding I've got rejection issues and so when that gets pressed on here when 528 00:48:43.960 --> 00:48:50.240 I'm looking for hey babe let's let's get it on tonight and if she rejects me 529 00:48:50.240 --> 00:48:56.520 which to be honest fair enough okay ladies let's do a little bit of a vote 530 00:48:56.520 --> 00:49:02.160 what do you reckon if this is this is us ask the ladies and guys if you want 531 00:49:02.160 --> 00:49:06.760 to get in on this thing then feel free but if you're feeling totally burnt out 532 00:49:06.760 --> 00:49:11.800 if you're currently going through people attacking your marriage and attacking 533 00:49:11.800 --> 00:49:16.760 you and you're spiritually burnt out you're emotionally burnt out you're not 534 00:49:16.760 --> 00:49:22.240 getting any sensual touch your finances are absolutely terrible you don't like 535 00:49:22.240 --> 00:49:26.600 where you live are you going to be feeling very sexy now let me ask you 536 00:49:26.600 --> 00:49:30.000 that are you going to be feeling very sexy when you've got all this other 537 00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:38.480 chaos going on on a 10 out of 10 scale how sexy would you be feeling if all 538 00:49:38.480 --> 00:49:42.880 this is going on spiritual dysfunction emotional dysfunction sensual 539 00:49:42.880 --> 00:49:46.520 dysfunction financial dysfunction directional dysfunction how's that going 540 00:49:46.520 --> 00:49:51.680 to be playing out for you when it comes to feeling sexy people just chuck that 541 00:49:51.680 --> 00:49:56.680 out there for me what do you reckon on a on a 1 out of 10 why don't you why 542 00:49:56.680 --> 00:50:01.880 don't you jump out there take a risk 543 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:06.000 get a little bit vulnerable uh on that and if you're like not if you're a little bit too shy 544 00:50:06.000 --> 00:50:11.520 for be giving oh there we go uh patricia's landing in at a zero she's at she's like yeah 545 00:50:11.520 --> 00:50:16.800 i'd be feeling zero if you're too shy to give a number give a thumbs up if you'd be feeling sexy 546 00:50:16.800 --> 00:50:21.280 and a thumbs down if you're like not sexy all right uh guys feel free to jump in on that if 547 00:50:21.280 --> 00:50:26.640 you're like it's like not sexy you can say sexy or not sexy or thumbs up oh that's a thumbs up 548 00:50:26.640 --> 00:50:34.560 or thumbs down or feel free to give a number uh and a word no 10 i think lorraine's giving me a 549 00:50:34.560 --> 00:50:44.640 10 out of 10 for not sexy uh last or even if even on the charts lol not a priority uh righto 550 00:50:46.480 --> 00:50:54.560 so how did we oh then i'm going to show you these other things as well these are going to come into 551 00:50:54.560 --> 00:51:00.960 it soon as well as negotiation of fake agreements oh gosh we're going to get into that in a moment 552 00:51:02.640 --> 00:51:08.880 so little by little we had to really start working on our whole uh on our whole world 553 00:51:08.880 --> 00:51:13.840 in order to save our our marriage because i got i literally got to the point eventually where 554 00:51:16.000 --> 00:51:23.280 um what would happen is i would we were trying to solve it intellectually because this is one 555 00:51:23.280 --> 00:51:28.240 area that we were strong okay we were pretty good on this side of things like this is the 556 00:51:28.240 --> 00:51:34.880 communication thing i want to tell you guys that this is probably one this is one of the things 557 00:51:34.880 --> 00:51:38.960 let me share with you some of the things that help save our marriage okay so one of the things was 558 00:51:38.960 --> 00:51:44.960 under the intellectual pathway because this this dictates your capacity to communicate and before 559 00:51:44.960 --> 00:51:53.120 we got married we spent a bunch of time together learning how to communicate um we did a bunch of 560 00:51:53.120 --> 00:51:59.040 danny silk stuff we did other stuff on mastering the communication done so if you're a single 561 00:51:59.040 --> 00:52:05.200 person you're like what could i do to prepare myself for marriage uh then or if you're a married 562 00:52:05.200 --> 00:52:11.360 person you want to take it to a next level master the communication done so you can grab a copy of 563 00:52:11.360 --> 00:52:18.080 that by danny silk um he's got heaps of training on this so we went really hard on on that before 564 00:52:18.080 --> 00:52:24.400 we were married and then here's something else that was going really really well for me i did 565 00:52:24.400 --> 00:52:31.280 have i did have a rejection bit of a rejection issue a bit of rejection wording in my heart 566 00:52:31.280 --> 00:52:39.200 but on the spiritual dynamic dynamic i was so invested into the pursuit of god and while we 567 00:52:39.200 --> 00:52:44.000 were still married you know like i had a whole bunch of orphan mentalities um i was still dealing 568 00:52:44.000 --> 00:52:49.680 with a lot of religious mindsets and myself i was still working on how to connect with god uh for 569 00:52:49.680 --> 00:52:56.400 myself and the spiritual things and and if i orphaned it out that would produce a emotional 570 00:52:56.400 --> 00:53:03.040 meltdown and if you have an emotional meltdown your intellectual capacity just gets blown out 571 00:53:03.040 --> 00:53:09.360 they call it an amygdala hijack if you look at your brain the frontal cortex which is the big 572 00:53:09.360 --> 00:53:14.080 the big part of your brain so we do all your rational thinking your logical thinking 573 00:53:15.120 --> 00:53:19.520 if you have an emotional freakout or they call it an amygdala hijack because there's this tiny 574 00:53:19.520 --> 00:53:24.880 little part of your brain back here which is connected to your fight flight or freeze survival 575 00:53:24.880 --> 00:53:30.320 instincts when that triggers if you have too much pressure or if you feel like you're under attack 576 00:53:30.320 --> 00:53:37.600 or for me if i was feeling rejected these things will like boom click in and they'll can they will 577 00:53:37.600 --> 00:53:44.720 produce something that's called an amygdala hijack and the amygdala hijack is when uh the 578 00:53:44.720 --> 00:53:49.840 amygdala this tiny little part of your brain that is uh connected to your fight flight or freeze 579 00:53:50.400 --> 00:53:57.760 survival instincts it takes over an image an amygdala hijack hijack shuts down your brain's 580 00:53:57.760 --> 00:54:04.240 access to your frontal cortex so it's like in dave riddell languages that all adults leave 581 00:54:04.240 --> 00:54:09.440 the room so that that's part of what was going on for me and i didn't realize when i freaked out 582 00:54:09.440 --> 00:54:15.360 emotionally because i had spiritual immaturity and i had brokenness in my life that those 583 00:54:15.360 --> 00:54:22.800 brokenness moments would trigger and boom when it triggered the an amygdala hijack takes over 584 00:54:23.680 --> 00:54:27.440 and you lose your capacity to rationally think let me know if you've had that before if you've 585 00:54:27.440 --> 00:54:33.520 had that in a relationship where the pressure has gotten so high or the challenge has gotten 586 00:54:33.520 --> 00:54:39.120 so much it's like ah and then boom something snapped in you and you and you kind of almost 587 00:54:39.120 --> 00:54:45.520 get dysfunctional you're like you're not able to be intelligent it's like ah but some of the 588 00:54:45.520 --> 00:54:51.920 things that we had going for us was that even though alana was was burnt out and struggling 589 00:54:51.920 --> 00:54:59.600 she she did have a real love of god um i was making huge progress personally on this i was learning 590 00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.640 to experience little by little I was learning how to experience the bliss of sonship 591 00:55:04.640 --> 00:55:10.160 regardless of my circumstances and that was giving me more emotional freedom and that gave me more 592 00:55:10.160 --> 00:55:17.280 intellectual freedom. So those things were big things these just which come under the category 593 00:55:17.280 --> 00:55:22.640 of the foundations of intimacy. I highly recommend digging deep for anyone in this 594 00:55:22.640 --> 00:55:26.800 journey. If you're single right now that is such a great place to be because you've got all the 595 00:55:26.800 --> 00:55:36.160 space to dig down and to lay the foundations for intimacy there. So little by little we started 596 00:55:36.160 --> 00:55:42.320 taking progress in these areas of spiritually, emotionally and that increased our capacity to 597 00:55:42.320 --> 00:55:49.360 communicate. But let me show you like break down a classic scenario for us. I get denied for sex 598 00:55:49.360 --> 00:55:53.680 because her level of sexiness is at zero and I'm like yeah let's have sex and it's like no. 599 00:55:53.680 --> 00:56:01.200 She's spiritually burnt out, emotionally burnt out. I'm like you know our communication suffers 600 00:56:01.200 --> 00:56:06.880 in that space. I'm neglecting her sensually. Financially we're pretty close to broke. 601 00:56:07.680 --> 00:56:12.640 Directionally she's not living where she wants to live and then boom I'm coming in for sex. So I get 602 00:56:12.640 --> 00:56:20.080 rejected not all the time but uh pretty often and that triggers me because I've got a wounding here 603 00:56:20.080 --> 00:56:26.640 so I'm emotionally uh triggering right now with my rejection wound which reduces our community 604 00:56:26.640 --> 00:56:32.160 our capacity to communicate but this was still probably our strong site our strong suit here 605 00:56:32.160 --> 00:56:36.960 was in communication so we would try and talk it out right we're trying to we're trying to talk it 606 00:56:36.960 --> 00:56:43.440 out which results in countless countless conversations that go around and round and 607 00:56:43.440 --> 00:56:53.120 round and round and ultimately basically end up where they begin uh I've got no idea how many times 608 00:56:53.120 --> 00:56:59.440 we had that conversation and so what that means is just over a long period of time 609 00:57:00.960 --> 00:57:07.440 the pressure is just starting to rise in our relationship you know the pressure the pressure 610 00:57:07.440 --> 00:57:13.120 is rising and rising and rising and then every now and then we'd have these other pressures 611 00:57:13.120 --> 00:57:18.880 just hit and you could create it could create a perfect storm for me I know that I'd have other 612 00:57:18.880 --> 00:57:26.880 times as well where um because I had this I would just say that uh here's a great African quote is 613 00:57:27.520 --> 00:57:34.640 if there is no enemy within the enemy without can do you no harm let me say that again if there is no 614 00:57:34.640 --> 00:57:42.960 enemy within the enemy without can do you no harm that means if you're not if there's no platform 615 00:57:42.960 --> 00:57:48.000 for the enemy to work in your life there's no platform for demonic entities to work and mess 616 00:57:48.000 --> 00:57:52.080 with your life they're going to really struggle to get in there and mess things up but for me 617 00:57:52.720 --> 00:58:00.320 I had platforms for the enemy to actually mess up uh mess things up in our relationship and so 618 00:58:00.320 --> 00:58:05.120 every now and then we'd have these like demonic storms would hit and other pressures would hit 619 00:58:05.920 --> 00:58:11.680 and we'd have another one of these like I'd get rejected um have an emotional reaction we our 620 00:58:11.680 --> 00:58:15.440 communication would break down but we'd try we'd have another one of these conversations that we'd 621 00:58:15.440 --> 00:58:22.800 absolutely nowhere and so the pressure levels just kept going up and up and up and up and you can 622 00:58:22.800 --> 00:58:28.080 deal with this for a certain amount of time but you know after years of not making progress 623 00:58:29.520 --> 00:58:34.960 boom it got to me where I was at this point of I lit I was I was starting to think man 624 00:58:34.960 --> 00:58:40.960 is there hope for my marriage right I because we were doing everything that we knew to do 625 00:58:40.960 --> 00:58:48.480 and we just kept going round and round and round and round in circles and never made and not making 626 00:58:48.480 --> 00:58:56.800 progress but let me say that while the pressure is rising over here and this conversation is going 627 00:58:56.800 --> 00:59:03.520 round and round around over here we're each making we're each making a little bit of progress well 628 00:59:03.520 --> 00:59:09.200 we're making progress in all of these other on all of these areas as well so we're growing um 629 00:59:09.840 --> 00:59:13.680 it took me a while to discover sensual touch but our finances started getting a bit better 630 00:59:14.560 --> 00:59:18.720 um this was still hard for Alana and 631 00:59:21.280 --> 00:59:25.600 we would have moments as well we'd have some seasons where the sex life was a bit better 632 00:59:25.600 --> 00:59:27.760 but often it would end up coming back to this place 633 00:59:31.200 --> 00:59:34.480 ultimately get to this place I'm like oh my gosh I'm starting to like 634 00:59:35.120 --> 00:59:41.120 I'm really reaching capacity I'm really reaching my full capacity I don't know if I can handle 635 00:59:41.120 --> 00:59:48.640 this anymore I don't know how uh I can I don't know what to do with this at the same time around 636 00:59:48.640 --> 00:59:54.000 that point I'd really started to master some of the spiritual disciplines of experiencing 637 00:59:54.000 --> 00:59:59.920 effortless bliss and being able to just step into effortlessly receiving the bliss 638 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:06.180 Of the presence of God and the love of God so I was making some really massive things here 639 01:00:06.180 --> 01:00:11.300 I was shaking off heaps of orphan stuff getting launched into sonship in another really massive way 640 01:00:11.300 --> 01:00:17.160 So I increased my capacity to deal with this, but it was still really intense to be like I'm going through this pressure 641 01:00:19.680 --> 01:00:26.000 And that's when about then is when we actually talked to someone so we had this one night with Dave Riddell 642 01:00:26.000 --> 01:00:32.640 It was Alana's birthday, and we had a night with Dave Riddell, had a couple of hours with Dave Riddell on Alana's birthday 643 01:00:32.800 --> 01:00:35.280 So if you want to cry on your birthday 644 01:00:35.720 --> 01:00:38.560 Have a session with Dave Riddell, have a couple of hours with Dave Riddell 645 01:00:38.560 --> 01:00:42.520 And it's a great way to make sure that your wife balls her eyes out 646 01:00:42.520 --> 01:00:48.360 Well not totally balls her eyes out, but has a good cry on her birthday, so that was that was her birthday 647 01:00:48.440 --> 01:00:50.440 She had a good cry, but 648 01:00:51.440 --> 01:00:53.360 at the same time 649 01:00:53.440 --> 01:00:58.520 Dave Riddell really helped us with a few things right so some of the things that he helped us 650 01:00:58.760 --> 01:01:02.200 To see and helped me to see is this need for sensual touch 651 01:01:02.440 --> 01:01:06.760 Which was Alana's, Alana had this huge need for sensual touch and then 652 01:01:08.240 --> 01:01:10.160 Also 653 01:01:10.160 --> 01:01:12.160 he 654 01:01:12.480 --> 01:01:15.560 Talked to us about negotiation, like oh my gosh 655 01:01:16.480 --> 01:01:18.680 about negotiation in our marriage and 656 01:01:19.480 --> 01:01:21.000 negotiation around 657 01:01:21.000 --> 01:01:27.680 Sex nights like how often we're going to have sex to have that conversation in our relationship. How often we're going to have sex and also 658 01:01:28.680 --> 01:01:30.800 Under this one here sexual by the way 659 01:01:32.280 --> 01:01:33.880 Sexual 660 01:01:33.880 --> 01:01:39.960 Under this one here sexual Dave Riddell was helpful there for us because they're handy 661 01:01:41.320 --> 01:01:43.320 because 662 01:01:43.840 --> 01:01:50.320 Under sexual it's sexual activities like a sex night doesn't necessarily have to end in sex in sexual 663 01:01:51.200 --> 01:01:56.760 Activities and there's a wide range of things there. There's oral sex. There's handjobs. There's 664 01:01:57.880 --> 01:01:59.400 dry 665 01:01:59.400 --> 01:02:05.480 Dry sex these there's a range of things there that come under sexual activities that 666 01:02:06.920 --> 01:02:08.920 While they might not be plan a 667 01:02:09.600 --> 01:02:11.200 plan B 668 01:02:11.200 --> 01:02:17.600 on a sex night of maybe a handjob or something else could like 669 01:02:18.120 --> 01:02:20.480 Save the day in a sense, so 670 01:02:21.520 --> 01:02:27.640 That was that was a really really big learning and then also so it was just as much was a big deal on 671 01:02:27.920 --> 01:02:30.320 Getting some insight into sensual touch 672 01:02:30.720 --> 01:02:35.680 Getting some ideas of sex stuff of like what we can actually do like it doesn't always necessarily have to be 673 01:02:36.160 --> 01:02:38.160 sex on a sex night 674 01:02:39.400 --> 01:02:41.400 Especially if she's really not feeling 675 01:02:42.040 --> 01:02:47.880 Sexy there's still options like yes, that's cool, but I tell you what started to happen as well as I'm started like 676 01:02:49.000 --> 01:02:53.080 Doing I start discovering more of the sensual stuff so she starts getting way more 677 01:02:55.160 --> 01:02:59.600 Massages see she starts getting the sensual dynamics then we actually so we negotiated 678 01:03:00.440 --> 01:03:04.720 At that point in time we negotiated one sex night a week all right 679 01:03:04.720 --> 01:03:10.800 So it's like sweet once a week. It's gonna be a sex night and basically you know she was gonna be getting 680 01:03:12.360 --> 01:03:15.560 Massages and things like that on a regular basis, too, so 681 01:03:16.720 --> 01:03:24.160 That's what we negotiated and we agreed, but then this one. Okay. Look at this fake agreements. Okay guys this oh 682 01:03:25.480 --> 01:03:28.280 That is a huge deal so 683 01:03:29.320 --> 01:03:35.560 We had we accidentally came up with some fake agreements. Okay, so a fake agreement would be like this is that 684 01:03:37.000 --> 01:03:38.680 once 685 01:03:38.680 --> 01:03:43.760 We have a sex night once a week, but it doesn't happen. You know like an imaginary sex night 686 01:03:44.520 --> 01:03:46.240 will cause 687 01:03:46.240 --> 01:03:49.600 me to be really frustrated and an 688 01:03:50.400 --> 01:03:51.640 imaginary 689 01:03:51.640 --> 01:03:56.240 Massage will cause Alana to be really disappointed. Okay, so 690 01:03:57.560 --> 01:03:59.560 She's got 691 01:04:00.040 --> 01:04:01.680 We ended up 692 01:04:01.680 --> 01:04:07.360 Creating our own storm again because we created fake agreements right fake agreements 693 01:04:07.880 --> 01:04:09.880 That's no good 694 01:04:10.920 --> 01:04:15.520 Because then you start losing trust in each other and look there's a trust circle 695 01:04:15.520 --> 01:04:18.600 So if we're breaking trust if we've got fake agreements in our marriage 696 01:04:19.280 --> 01:04:24.800 Then that then we will start to lose trust in each other now each of these different pathways has 697 01:04:25.280 --> 01:04:27.280 Trust attached to it, okay 698 01:04:27.440 --> 01:04:30.360 so each of these things here if I 699 01:04:30.920 --> 01:04:37.360 Cross a line for a lot of your spiritual values or if I'm like crazy in my emotions or if my 700 01:04:37.680 --> 01:04:42.640 Capacity to communicate is just terrible. I won't communicate or I won't engage in sensual 701 01:04:43.200 --> 01:04:47.840 activities or I'm like I'm gambling away the finances or I'm 702 01:04:49.320 --> 01:04:55.120 You know, I'm going in a really bad direction making really bad life choices choices or I've got some like crazy 703 01:04:55.640 --> 01:05:00.120 weird sexual fetishes going on then that's going to cause the trust to 704 01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.680 diminish so that means that she's going to be pushing me further and further 705 01:05:04.680 --> 01:05:11.480 away so that like really what I'm craving when I'm craving sex for me it's 706 01:05:11.480 --> 01:05:15.400 not actually about the sex now that you might ladies might be thinking oh what 707 01:05:15.400 --> 01:05:20.520 isn't it just about sex no because for me in sex I'm experiencing intimacy 708 01:05:20.520 --> 01:05:23.880 that's the big thing going down that's the big thing that's the big driver for 709 01:05:23.880 --> 01:05:29.520 all of us is this craving for intimacy that's why these five love languages are 710 01:05:29.520 --> 01:05:36.600 so good as well because those are ways that we really feel that intimacy so 711 01:05:36.600 --> 01:05:39.600 anyway what we ended up getting to is this place of fake agreements now you 712 01:05:39.600 --> 01:05:43.160 can have that in in all of these areas of your life you can have fake 713 01:05:43.160 --> 01:05:46.600 agreements I've seen this in Christian marriages where one of the fake 714 01:05:46.600 --> 01:05:54.140 agreements is the fact that one of the person's not actually is not actually a 715 01:05:54.140 --> 01:05:58.440 Christian right they just they just pretended to be a Christian so they could 716 01:05:58.440 --> 01:06:01.320 marry the Christian person and then once the marriage happens like you're 717 01:06:01.320 --> 01:06:05.000 real or you're a few years into it you realize it's actually that was actually 718 01:06:05.000 --> 01:06:09.440 a fake agreement like so that was a total fake so because of the trust to go 719 01:06:09.440 --> 01:06:13.600 out here so that's where we found ourselves in this place of fake 720 01:06:13.600 --> 01:06:19.240 agreements we'd created fake agreements around how much sensual touch she was 721 01:06:19.240 --> 01:06:22.840 going to be getting how much sexual action we were going to be getting and 722 01:06:23.560 --> 01:06:31.680 is terrible so that causes a meltdown but fortunately we sorted out our fake 723 01:06:31.680 --> 01:06:36.960 agreements and we came to we renegotiate okay we renegotiated because that wasn't 724 01:06:36.960 --> 01:06:42.560 working now if it's not working for you renegotiate okay just stop I forgot to 725 01:06:42.560 --> 01:06:46.280 say as well right in the midst of all this we had three kids which means for 726 01:06:46.280 --> 01:06:51.400 the last eight years Alana has hardly had any sleep okay so if you want to 727 01:06:51.400 --> 01:06:55.680 increase the other pressures then put this massive one in here is kids all 728 01:06:55.680 --> 01:07:07.560 right kids babies breastfeeding mastitis like having babies if you tear when 729 01:07:07.560 --> 01:07:11.840 you're having a baby or if you have some other stuff for ladies it's where they 730 01:07:11.840 --> 01:07:16.600 have gynecologists because all sorts of things can go wrong downtown and babies 731 01:07:16.600 --> 01:07:21.160 can mess things up for in all sorts of ways in a way like obviously we love our 732 01:07:21.160 --> 01:07:24.880 kids like crazy but they would come under the category of other pressures 733 01:07:24.880 --> 01:07:32.360 not sleeping guys like crazy when you've got one of those babies that just just 734 01:07:32.360 --> 01:07:38.160 wasn't sleeping like oh man we had this where there's so many sleepless nights 735 01:07:38.160 --> 01:07:45.360 but not sleeping babies or sick babies man that adds so much pressure so yeah 736 01:07:45.360 --> 01:07:53.940 and this time also we had three kids pregnancy for us pregnants and for me 737 01:07:53.940 --> 01:07:58.440 anyway pregnancy was like ah pregnancy like I don't know if I like that 738 01:07:58.440 --> 01:08:01.640 pregnancy dynamic because there's not much not necessarily gonna be a lot of 739 01:08:01.640 --> 01:08:06.360 sex and the pregnancy depending on how it's going because it's different for 740 01:08:06.360 --> 01:08:11.600 different people but in a pregnancy sometimes sex can be really difficult 741 01:08:11.600 --> 01:08:16.279 just depending on what the scenarios are going on so anyway we we didn't just 742 01:08:16.279 --> 01:08:19.840 yeah it was it was kind of crazy there was a lot of chaos that we had to do but 743 01:08:19.840 --> 01:08:23.720 anyway we were starting to make our way through all this chaos when I feel like 744 01:08:23.720 --> 01:08:28.760 in some times we'd kind of just held on to our marriage and some areas would be 745 01:08:28.760 --> 01:08:32.939 doing really good but in some way some parts of our marriage like in these 746 01:08:32.939 --> 01:08:37.359 areas the pressure was so intense it's like I feel like we're just holding on 747 01:08:37.359 --> 01:08:42.319 and let me say this as well we loved each other like crazy like we really 748 01:08:42.319 --> 01:08:47.520 really really loved each other we loved each other so much but when you've got 749 01:08:47.520 --> 01:08:52.420 all this pressure it doesn't necessarily matter how much you love each other the 750 01:08:52.420 --> 01:08:59.240 pressure can just almost tear a relationship apart so that's what these 751 01:08:59.240 --> 01:09:04.840 arrows represent is the is the huge momentum that comes on a life and how 752 01:09:04.840 --> 01:09:09.680 much you can really pull on a relationship away from intimacy or how 753 01:09:09.680 --> 01:09:14.640 much you can drive towards intimacy so we got to this place where we had 754 01:09:14.640 --> 01:09:19.779 negotiated sex nights and sensual nights once a week and it was just wasn't going 755 01:09:19.779 --> 01:09:24.760 on it wasn't actually happening the way we just negotiated which led to fake 756 01:09:24.760 --> 01:09:28.640 agreements and that broke trust and so it was a bit of a mess so we had to 757 01:09:28.640 --> 01:09:34.359 renegotiate say renegotiate let me know if you think negotiating sex nights is a 758 01:09:34.359 --> 01:09:43.240 good idea so we renegotiated we renegotiated to just to be honest once 759 01:09:43.240 --> 01:09:50.359 a week just wasn't great for me so we renegotiated to twice two times a week 760 01:09:50.359 --> 01:09:55.240 for a sex night now depends on your marriage it's got to be totally 761 01:09:55.240 --> 01:10:01.520 different some couples have no issues at all sex is just on fire 762 01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.280 And it always has been it's been effortless, but for other couples totally different 763 01:10:04.280 --> 01:10:08.660 So for us we've been on a journey with that when you renegotiated around six nights 764 01:10:08.660 --> 01:10:12.920 We renegotiated around sensual things around massages and stuff like that 765 01:10:13.720 --> 01:10:17.880 And praise Jesus. Come on. Let me have an a man 766 01:10:19.440 --> 01:10:21.440 After really working on it, right 767 01:10:21.800 --> 01:10:27.920 just working on it and holding in there and I want to say as well that the 768 01:10:28.800 --> 01:10:35.160 Wasn't like heaps of dark days in our marriage. Our marriage has been so sweet. It's been like 769 01:10:35.640 --> 01:10:41.440 It's been the pressure has been more like moments of pressure and that's a beautiful marriage 770 01:10:41.440 --> 01:10:48.440 okay, so but some of those moments and I just want to say like don't underestimate the power of those moments because those moments when 771 01:10:48.920 --> 01:10:52.880 everything hits the fan and goes crazy those moments can put 772 01:10:53.640 --> 01:10:55.080 enormous 773 01:10:55.080 --> 01:11:00.280 Enormous strain on a relationship like if you've barely slept and all of this is going crazy 774 01:11:01.520 --> 01:11:07.840 Can get really really really hot and it definitely was for us. There's times was really really really hard, but I 775 01:11:09.120 --> 01:11:11.840 Just want to encourage you as well. I keep going and if 776 01:11:12.880 --> 01:11:19.000 So we're now making progress on all of like every single area of these in our life is now 777 01:11:19.640 --> 01:11:21.480 making progress 778 01:11:21.480 --> 01:11:23.120 All right 779 01:11:23.280 --> 01:11:26.720 And it's kind of like it's kind of like with the 780 01:11:27.360 --> 01:11:29.360 tide right when the tide 781 01:11:29.880 --> 01:11:33.120 Rises all ships rise with the tide. So 782 01:11:36.520 --> 01:11:42.200 So if we start doing better spiritually which we are and if we start doing better emotionally 783 01:11:42.840 --> 01:11:44.840 Which we are if we start doing better 784 01:11:46.120 --> 01:11:47.840 Communicating and 785 01:11:47.840 --> 01:11:54.800 Understanding each other better, which we are and then all the tides rise and if we start doing understanding sensual touch better and 786 01:11:56.400 --> 01:12:00.720 Nailing that and if our finances start getting better and direction because 787 01:12:02.160 --> 01:12:06.120 Let me say something just about this whole directional thing 788 01:12:07.480 --> 01:12:09.840 on the on the directional front is that 789 01:12:09.840 --> 01:12:16.880 It was really difficult for Alana to stay in Te Ano, but right at the start I said to her 790 01:12:17.520 --> 01:12:20.240 I was like I'd heard this really good quote 791 01:12:20.880 --> 01:12:24.000 Early on when I was a young guy before I was married 792 01:12:24.000 --> 01:12:29.240 I had a really good quote from a man and he said to me listen anyone God can use 793 01:12:30.640 --> 01:12:34.720 God can use anyone to pastor a church or to 794 01:12:34.720 --> 01:12:43.040 Start a revival or whatever, but only you can be a husband to wife and only you can be a father to your kids 795 01:12:43.040 --> 01:12:47.040 And I took that on board as a young man, and it became a priority in my life 796 01:12:47.040 --> 01:12:50.880 So I said to her early on when she was really struggling with this 797 01:12:51.400 --> 01:12:57.000 Living in Te Ano and living so far away from family. I said to her babe if we have to move 798 01:12:58.040 --> 01:13:01.080 Even though I can't imagine anywhere. I would want to go in the world 799 01:13:02.080 --> 01:13:04.080 Even though I can't imagine anywhere 800 01:13:04.080 --> 01:13:07.680 I would want to go in the world apart from where we are right now if we have to move 801 01:13:07.920 --> 01:13:09.920 for things to get better for you I 802 01:13:10.520 --> 01:13:16.960 Will let's just go all right if we have to now that was not a light decision because for me 803 01:13:16.960 --> 01:13:20.520 God gave me a dream to come to Te Ano to Fiordland from the time 804 01:13:20.520 --> 01:13:25.000 I was 17 years old and since I was 17 years old. That's all I've worked towards and 805 01:13:25.560 --> 01:13:26.800 So I was like okay, babe 806 01:13:26.800 --> 01:13:30.000 And I came to that place in my heart was really ready to leave if she wanted to 807 01:13:30.080 --> 01:13:36.840 But then she said something massive to me, which is we're you know like our spiritual thing is on point. She said 808 01:13:37.440 --> 01:13:42.120 It's really hard, but I don't want to go unless God says to go and I was like okay sweet 809 01:13:42.120 --> 01:13:43.280 But in my head as well 810 01:13:43.280 --> 01:13:44.000 I'm like okay 811 01:13:44.000 --> 01:13:47.880 I don't know like ever since I was 17 God's been leading me towards Fiordland 812 01:13:47.880 --> 01:13:52.600 I can't imagine where I would ever live apart from here, but at the beginning of this year 813 01:13:53.480 --> 01:13:55.400 something interesting happened 814 01:13:55.400 --> 01:13:58.600 We actually went on a 36-day road trip as a family and 815 01:13:59.160 --> 01:14:05.720 I was talking to Alana about excited about getting home, and she just started crying while we're driving like ah remember 816 01:14:06.440 --> 01:14:11.360 Not sexy right crying wife is not is not her feeling sexy, so you want to avoid that 817 01:14:12.480 --> 01:14:16.600 She just cried. It's like she'd been it. She's been in Te Ano a decade. I'm like oh, man 818 01:14:18.400 --> 01:14:23.600 And I was like well, you know like if God says you know like we'll go and so then anyway 819 01:14:25.400 --> 01:14:29.080 What do you know out of the blue? I never expected this, but out of the blue 820 01:14:30.200 --> 01:14:36.640 Earlier this year God's actually spoken to our family really really clearly in one sense. He's been really clear 821 01:14:36.640 --> 01:14:42.320 It's like well. He's like you're gonna leave Te Ano at the end of the year. I'm like whoa total blindside 822 01:14:42.840 --> 01:14:50.000 He hasn't told us where we're going which is interesting, so we're just gonna literally we're gonna start driving on the 20th of December 823 01:14:50.640 --> 01:14:52.640 We have no idea where we're going 824 01:14:52.920 --> 01:14:54.920 How long we're going to be away or 825 01:14:57.080 --> 01:15:00.040 Literally we're in the world we're going to be or we don't 826 01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.920 know okay so under direction comes where you live what you do and where you were going we don't know 827 01:15:05.920 --> 01:15:12.240 where we'll live we don't exactly know what we'll be doing I've got a few um like I've got financial 828 01:15:12.240 --> 01:15:17.040 side of things sorted and business things sorted online and where you were going and like we 829 01:15:17.040 --> 01:15:22.320 literally now we don't know any of that but for Alana it's so much better because we do know that 830 01:15:22.320 --> 01:15:27.120 we're going to have a good season of time close to her family so it's like wow crazy so now all 831 01:15:27.120 --> 01:15:36.800 of these things here are now all charging in the right direction which means more and more and more 832 01:15:36.800 --> 01:15:42.080 our life is being lived in this beautiful spot that was designed for in our marriage which is 833 01:15:42.080 --> 01:15:50.800 that space of the bliss life so ta-da that's pretty much the gist of like of giving you the 834 01:15:50.800 --> 01:15:58.160 insider story on our journey to to here obviously there's lots of stories it has been a beautiful 835 01:15:58.160 --> 01:16:07.680 journey for us uh but there's been so so many dimensions to it there's been so many dynamics 836 01:16:07.680 --> 01:16:16.000 to it and we've had moments where we've had to really hold on and fight and we've had countless 837 01:16:16.000 --> 01:16:21.440 nights I don't really cry I don't really cry very often occasionally very rarely my finger got cut 838 01:16:21.440 --> 01:16:25.520 off in a wood splinter someone cut that off gnarly right but I didn't cry when that happened because 839 01:16:25.520 --> 01:16:29.120 it doesn't happen very often I don't cry very often and then the nurse right I went to the 840 01:16:29.120 --> 01:16:33.920 hospital and the nurse got the needle with the drugs in it like the painkillers and she put it 841 01:16:33.920 --> 01:16:38.960 in one side of my finger and out the other so just she just poked the needle right through my finger 842 01:16:38.960 --> 01:16:45.680 and started squirting and all the it's all like going on the floor and I didn't cry so uh I didn't 843 01:16:45.680 --> 01:16:51.040 cry very often but Alana cries if I was a cry I would have been crying with her but countless 844 01:16:51.040 --> 01:17:00.320 nights of tears as we've processed through all these areas and moments of extreme pain 845 01:17:00.960 --> 01:17:07.680 and pressure I've questioned can this marriage survive even though I love Alana with everything 846 01:17:07.680 --> 01:17:13.440 that I am and I want to like maybe finish with something that's been a really really helpful 847 01:17:13.440 --> 01:17:19.600 quote for us that someone in Alana's family told her is that when you do get married here's the 848 01:17:19.600 --> 01:17:26.560 thing is that when you you get to you get to choose your love right so here's the quote is you choose 849 01:17:26.560 --> 01:17:33.120 your love and then you love your choice you choose your love and then you love your choice so whoever 850 01:17:33.120 --> 01:17:42.400 you choose to get married uh whatever is going down the good the bad or the ugly you love your 851 01:17:42.400 --> 01:17:50.080 choice and I think some of the like one of the best spiritual questions that I've ever um 852 01:17:52.160 --> 01:17:59.600 I've ever really incorporated into my life is what does love look like and I think that 853 01:18:00.800 --> 01:18:06.240 the value of that question what does love look like has been far more valuable to me in my 854 01:18:06.240 --> 01:18:12.960 marriage than it has been in terms of an evangelistic dynamic or an outreach dynamic but 855 01:18:12.960 --> 01:18:24.080 in my life what uh what does love look like when the pressure is on like crazy in my marriage 856 01:18:24.080 --> 01:18:31.440 and when everything feels like it's so hard to hold on and in that space of like oh my goodness 857 01:18:32.400 --> 01:18:39.600 um what does love look like there that has been um that has been absolutely priceless because it's 858 01:18:39.600 --> 01:18:45.520 in that asking what does love look like and when I haven't felt like loving back like if there's 859 01:18:45.520 --> 01:18:50.080 been something that's happened that's triggered me and I'm like ah that doesn't deserve love or 860 01:18:50.080 --> 01:18:55.920 whatever like I ask myself what does love look like and by holding on to that question of what 861 01:18:55.920 --> 01:19:03.600 does love look like it's enabled me uh to hold on like it's literally been one of the things that's 862 01:19:03.600 --> 01:19:10.400 enabled me to hold on through the process through the journey of mastering all the seven sacred 863 01:19:10.400 --> 01:19:19.360 pathways to intimacy and there's a lot going on and I want to encourage you if you uh if you're 864 01:19:19.360 --> 01:19:23.920 not married yet then you want to figure these things out like no one's ever taught me the seven 865 01:19:23.920 --> 01:19:29.440 sacred pathways to intimacy this is something I discovered as I went through it through the process 866 01:19:29.440 --> 01:19:34.320 I went through the pain as I've done a lot of reflecting as we've gone through the let's all 867 01:19:34.320 --> 01:19:41.200 that process um of what is it that helps create intimacy because like let me just finish on this 868 01:19:41.200 --> 01:19:45.520 is that we were designed for the bliss life and if you're married you can have it you know if 869 01:19:45.520 --> 01:19:50.880 you're willing to hold on and I'll just say that it really takes some fight you know so probably 870 01:19:50.880 --> 01:19:55.120 the most important thing that you'll ever fight for is fighting for your marriage 871 01:19:55.120 --> 01:19:59.760 and it's not always easy and I didn't understand these things so 872 01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:07.000 You know, I didn't understand the Seven Sacred Pathways to Intimacy, so I didn't understand where all the pressure was coming, you just feel pressure. 873 01:20:07.000 --> 01:20:21.000 You just feel pressure, it's like, ahhh, your heart, you know, you're triggering emotionally, it's like, pfff, just explosion, like, ahhh, pain, like, irrational pain, it's like, ahhh, there's just pain going on and pressure going on, like, ahhh. 874 01:20:22.000 --> 01:20:34.000 You're not, like, rationally thinking about, oh, well, there's the Seven Sacred Pathways to Intimacy that I have to master to ensure that my marriage comes into this place of experiencing the bliss marriage. 875 01:20:34.000 --> 01:20:50.000 So, um, there it is, guys. Why don't you, why don't you just take a moment now and just think, like, which of these Seven Sacred Pathways to Intimacy do you think is an opportunity for you to really grow in your life right now? 876 01:20:50.000 --> 01:20:57.000 Like, how do you think you could take a step towards the bliss marriage in your life right now? 877 01:20:57.000 --> 01:21:05.000 Now that I understand this, I'm constantly thinking, man, how can I take a step towards the bliss life in my marriage? 878 01:21:05.000 --> 01:21:24.000 And I want to ask you, you know, which areas, so just write, you should write these down, it'll be powerful for you just to write them out, to say them out, but which areas do you want to focus on in order to bless your marriage, and if you're not married yet, in order to prepare yourself for a bliss marriage? 879 01:21:24.000 --> 01:21:35.000 And even if you're single, studying these will set you up for a bliss marriage when the time comes. So, yeah, what have you guys got out there? 880 01:21:36.000 --> 01:21:58.000 And listen, if you've got any questions for me on this whole topic of the Seven Sacred Pathways to Intimacy, let me know. I've got a whole bunch of other stuff that I'm going to drop as we go forward, but hopefully that's been really helpful for you guys, just me sharing our story and what the journey's been like for us, the good, the bad, and the ugly. 881 01:21:58.000 --> 01:22:19.000 And it really is now more and more living in the bliss life. Obviously there's other pressures and there's these things, and we've still got some room to grow, but we're taking it really well, and I just want to say hope for you, wherever your marriage is at, and let me know if you've got questions, let me know which areas you're going to be intentionally stepping in towards. 882 01:22:19.000 --> 01:22:39.000 Love you heaps. We'll catch you soon. And go out, and if you're single, start prepping yourself for the bliss marriage, if you want to get married. And if you're married, go and do something awesome that is going to rock your spouse in the most amazing way. Catch you soon. Love you heaps. Bye bye.